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:: L A C U N A ::
By Hollywood

Episode 213 The GAP

The season is over and there will be millions of people out there wondering about the fate of nearly everyone on the show. We will ponder such things as Portard's last name, Dana and Alice's relationship status, the after effects of a father lost, a career terminated, and Jenny's never ending path to self-destruction, and lets not forget Shane and Carmen's next sexual encounter. In these pivotal moments of recap I shall bring to life, and wrap up the loose ends for you. I hope you don't cry to much at the end, because you wont see a shred of L word for another 9 months. Tonight's show is brought to you by the letter L.

Previously Blah, Blah, Blah. I wont waste your time on it since you probably already know. If not, get ta readin' fool.

L.A. Present Coyote Fugly
Jenny on stage stripping rather violently. When she pulls off her clothes we hear whipping noises. She teases pulling off her underpants next. Underneath she has a bush so full you could nest a whole family of birds. Namely cranes. Shave the nether region, please.

Oh. My. God. Stop the madness. Fire everyone. What happened to the incredibly talented independent artists that they were showcasing. Oh well, I guess they'll have to make due with the WB.

Outside Coyote Fugly
Shane smokes as she waits for Jenny. Jenny comes out to greet her. Shane asks Flower why in the fuck she is doing this dancing thing. Jenny says it is important because, when she is on stage she's in charge. It also helps her to remember the shit that happened to her as a child. Jenny asks Shane if she remembers what happened to her that makes it hard for her to trust people as an adult. She says she probably does. She tells her she's lucky. Shane asks her if she remembers what happened to her. She bullshits that she does, then, she doesn't. Shane wants Jenny to be careful with herself. She also wants her to come home with her. Jenny wants to take the bus, just be safe, ok? Don't go into any alleys or anything.

Peabody Parking Garage @ Peabody General Hospital
B helps T out of the Saab. They yak some about the birthing tank. Out of nowhere Hellena drives up in a silver Aston Martin . She asks if she would mind if she talked to Tina real quick. "Actually I do" says Bette. Everyone in favor say, Aye! I so hope Bette throws down here, right now. On a side note, according to Peabody standards Tina is pronounced Teener. They are both upset that Hellena is stalking them. She claims James gave out Bette's schedule. Bette knows James wouldn't do that. Hellena knows he wants to keep his job, though. Hellena pushes, that her mother is in town, and she would like her to meet them for lunch. I think Hellena is trying to be genuine but she is no match for Bette. Teener tells her to ask one of her other girlfriends, heheh. "That was uncalled for" Hellena says. Teener says "I'm Sorry". Hellena thinks this walking and arguing thing is getting tedious, and Bette agrees. Hellena is all, well then I will make sure that Dr. Kevorkian takes good care of you in there. The wing of this particular part of the hospital was funded by none other then the Peabody's.

Random street
Dana and her trainer, the foreign Candice Clone, box up the hill. She wants 40 Love to go harder. Dana thinks its ok if she is, just the tennis star who is famous for being a lesbian, as opposed to being famous for, winning a tournament. Al drives up in her Mini Cooper and honks. She gets out, and hands Dana her boxing gloves, which obviously she doesn't need. She blahs on about how Dana left this morning without saying goodbye. Really this scene is all about making Alice look crazy, which they will continue to do. Alice says she will see her at the Planet, it will be about an hour. She wants a kiss for bringing her, her gloves. More boxing. "She really loves me you know." Candice clone says Oh, is that what that is?

Casa de Despair
Bette and Tina unpack the tank. Lesbians that they are, they cant put it together. Tina says she knows a good carpenter who can. She quickly apologizes for her throwback comment and they continue to converse. They talk about how Kit has completely thrown herself into the memorial for their father. Foxy Brown doesn't want TOES there because she might lose her resolve. T tells B that she is having a home birth. Only, Bette doesn't get it. "You mean in your apartment?" No! I mean in our home and I want to move back in and I want to have her baby in our hooome, and she wants to have a family with Bette. Ohhhh ok. Bette sits next to Tina and they sigh together. No hugs, no kisses. Whatever.

Fancy Shmancy Restaurant
Hellena has come to her lunch with Motha. Mama Peabody wants her to come sit down and stop being a petulant child. Mama has invited her grandchildren along with Winnie Mann. Mama Peabody tells Hellena that she is not about to lose her little lambys, so she has propositioned Winnie. She is going to share a co-op in Gramercy Park . "You've propositioned everyone else you might as well proposition my X." "I love these little squirrelyquins, don't you ?" Says Mama. Hellena will have a bloody Mary with an extra shot. The children shall now be known as Squirrelyquin-Lamby thing's.

Casa de Despair
Bette looks through her pictures of Mel. She is comforted by Tina. Then we get a slide show of Ossie Davis pictures. Some have been doctored to include Ma Porter and little Bette. A whole six pictures.

We have merged into the memorial with another song named, Hallelujah. The SoulPlanet is packed with peeps that are there for Bette and Kit. Everyone is there. A choir sings, and we fade upon all the attendees. B & T, Kit and David who are curiously close now, Carmen, Alice, Shane, Dana, and Jenny. David eulogies for them. Afterwards, everyone hugs everyone else and cries. Gloria Steinem is there. She knew Mel. He talked about her a lot. Dana goes to the bar to greet Lara. They flirt... Lame. They note that "they are not going to go there". Where? We will never know. Alice watches, all crazy like. Again a scene completely dedicated to making Al look crazy, and show that Dana still has feelings for the soup chef. When Dana is done flirting, she swaggers over to Alice, and says hey how you doing? Alice asks Dana what she thinks about moving in with her. It goes a little something like dis.

Al- I kind of feel like maybe we're...
Dane- Really, what are you serious?
Al- Yeah.
Dane- Al, I don't know.
Al- You don't know? Are you having doubts about us?
Dane- No! OMG No! In fact the opposite. (WTF?) But, don't you think we are moving to fast
Al- Do you want to see other people?
Dane- Alice where did you get that, from what I just said?
Al- uhkk ummm oook...

Bette thanks Franklin and Leo for coming. She wants to take the rest of the week off and be back in on Monday. He basically says now's not the time. He wants to keep Leo on at the CAC of Wickedness. Bette wonders "as my co-equal?" Leo retreats like a mothaf*%$ coward. Franklin tells her that the board wants to buy out her contract. Bette is like WHAT!? I paused the Tivo when Bette was making the WTF face, and she looks like horseshit. I made it go frame for frame and it was ultra-hilarious, the faces she makes are classic, psycho. He adds that the settlement will give her a nice cushion to sit on, until she figures out what to do next. Bette, says some of the coolest shit ever. Here I will let you interpret.

Bette- I'll tell you what I'd like to do next. I'd like to murder somebody. You maybe, or your friend, Hellena Peabody. Heheh.
Franklin- eh....uh, doh.
Bette- That's nice, that's a really nice f*%$ thing to do to somebody while their father is dying. You're a class act Franklin. Buh Bye, forever.

A Betty chick asks Mark (in his 30sec of screen time) if he would like to tape the "Gloria Project" tonight. Mark accepts for the free tickets. There are actors out there that NEED jobs, and they are using Betty chicks to do these scenes? Come on lets get some much needed scenery change going on here.

Lesbians of the Round Table
Flower, 40 Love, Eva Longoria 2.0, Yoda, Foxy Brown, dumbass Betty chicks and Gloria Steinem talk about feminism. Kit says she is definitely a feminist, but nay she has not slept with a woman. Gloria says naturally lesbians are feminists. I'm not. I mean don't get me wrong, I want equal rights but I make my own rules. She also states that woman usually hate men because they live with one. Jenny says "Another big misconception is that if you're a lesbian your automatically a feminist, whereas a lot of gay women that I know are absolutely not feminists, right?" She looks directly at Shane, and so does Carmen. Shane's all, what I dig chicks. Alice apologizes for being forward, but she likes dick. Coming from someone in her position where she listens to the heart not the anatomy. To which Dana tries to cuddle to Alice, as if she gives a damn. Which honestly I hate Dana for not being truthful with her about Lara. Move on Al.

Wiltern Theater
Jenny arrives wearing a cubic zirconia encrusted headband. My guess is, it's trying to keep her brain/mind from escaping. What's left of it. Shane and Carmen park together in Shane's truck, that magically morphed into a silverish- bluish Jeep Rubicon with huge tires. Shane gets out and opens the door for Carmen. She is flustered by the fact that someone is treating her like a girl. Although, we knew who the man in this relationship was from the start. Shane sticks out her arm for her to latch onto but, its only to laugh about. They enter the building.

Everyone is at this event, including The Count, and Leigh Ostin. They canoodle and make out on the catwalk, yeah, they are doing their little thing on the catwalk. They are to sexy for this show, too sexy for this show. Blech. Hellena tells Leigh that she would look amaaaazing pregnant, and that maybe they should get pregnant together. Leigh is flabbergasted, and depressed that she is in this awful situation. She realizes now that, she should heed the warnings of the masses and get away from this ungodly woman. Bette approaches from stage right, and says "you really are the f*%$#@ scourge of the universe, aren't you?" Bette asks if she ever cared about Tina. Did she even stop to think that by having Bette fired, how it would effect her? Hellena claims it's a misapprehension. Bette says BULLSHIT! Mama Peabody enters from behind them, to offer her doting two cents. "Well, Bette Porter." Mama asks who she is here with. She says "actually I'm here with my partner, Teener." Mama says, hey wait a minute isn't that your Teener or is that a popular name for lesbians. "Actually, mummy it's the same Teener." Mama Peabody and Bette shoot the shit some more, meanwhile, Leigh and Hellena just stand there. Carmen comes to let Bette know Teener needs her help in the restroom.

Wiltern Potty
Following a trail of womb water, Flashdance enters, and says "baby are you ok?" Gaymo(m) thinks her water broke. So she calls Nurse Fodder, to ask what to do. Tina moans and groans with labor pangs.

Carmen tells Kit that Tina's water broke. Kit acts all excited, like she's the grandma or something. Then she says, well lets go, but David tells her they probably have hours to go. So they will wait it out and go after the show. Carmen congratulates her... then an announcer, announces the Ms. Foundation's evening for women host, Gloria Steinem. She quotes "remember when Emma Goldman said, "if there is no dancing at the revolution Im not coming." Well if Gloria is there, I'm not coming. She has the personality of a wet mop, but I'll listen. The audience woo's at Gloria's Speech. I hate that I have to recap all this but, here it is...

GS Speech
"Well, tonight we have both. Thanks to Betty, thanks to Heart, and thanks to all of you we have the revolution. And tonight we are gonna need it. Because there's a guy in the White House who represents all those religious extremists, that people came to this country to escape. But, that's because there is a backlash against all the great social justice movements, and if we hadn't had a front lash we wouldn't now, be having a backlash. So we keep going, and do it more and better. We're not only going to vote, but, reform the way we vote. We're going to contribute not only when we're asked, but every time we pay our bills. We're not only going to change women to fit the world, but the change the world to fit women. And we're going to become the change we want to see in the world. So, first tonight then the world."

Kinnie Starr gets on stage and MC's. Rather nice, but interrupted when Shane whispers real close into Carmen's ear, asking "do you think you might wanna come over after this... for a little while?" Doo doo doo doo doo doo do, doo doo doo do do doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo do, do da doh doh doh doh, dum dum. Waiting for the answer aren't you? Well, so is Shane. More Poem. Carmen stares at the side of Shane's head and then leans in to inform her that she will in fact come over "for a little, bit." Schawing.

Jenny glares at the reciter of poem, as if she is speaking directly to her. Uh, oh. Did you really think you'd make it through this episode without a trip to the circus. Yeah, right! Its mime Jenny, falling off the trapeze ledge. Then we go directly into the Betty set. Cut to Al asking Dane, what she meant by them, moving to fast. She adds that, her and Tanya moved in together, in like, 2 days. Which, I really love when writers find the loopholes in each others writing, and bring it out so tastefully. I can't believe you just said you like me. Here listen.

Dane- "Yeah that was part of the problem... I like this, I like you, I like us...
Al- You like, me?!?!?
Dane- Yeah, Im crazy about you, it's just the other day you freaked me out.
Al- I can't believe you just said, you like me. Freaked you out how? Where, when?.
Dane- When I had dinner with Lara, the other night, it seemed like it made you a little, you know, CRAZZZZYYYYYY.

Heheheheh, Snort.

What a great intro for the best girl band ever. HEART! WOOOOOOOO. I love them, and there is nothing left to do tonight but to go, Crazy Crazy on you. Jenny cries, during their set. Man why does everything have to be about her.

Casa de Bambino
Tina is carrying on with the labor moans. Bette and Nurse Fodder, make her get in the tank. Bette strips Gaymo of her robe.

Post Concert-
Al- I just have to say you, made me feel terrible.
Dane- I'm sorry
Al- You just, made me feel bad.
Dane- I said I'm sorry... I was just telling you how I feel.
Al- It's not like it's your fault, but I'm turning into someone I can't stand.
Dane- like your mother...
Al- F*%$ you.
Dane- I'm sorry, that wasn't even close to funny.
Al- Look, I didn't know I was turning into someone all needy, and smothery, and co-dependent. I mean gross. I can't think of anything worse.
Dane- Maybe I shouldn't have said anything.
Al- No I'm glad you did. I mean, things have gotten super intense, super fast. I have never felt this way, and it's making me act weird.
Dane- I think it's good.
Al- It's not if I get to attached to it. I feel like that guy with the mouse, he loves the mouse so much...
Dane- Well, don't be Lenny, don't smother the mouse. Just let it breathe Alice.
Al- The worst thing is, I can't even call my best friend and talk to her about it.
Dane- I know... sigh

Casa de Bambino
More groaning. Nurse Fodder asks Bette to stick her fingers, get this, into Tina's poonannie and check if she can feel anything. Bette says yes. I say eww. The babies head is right there.

Circus Tent
Shane pours Carmen a glass of wine. What, no beer? Carmen says "Uh, Im gonna go now. Ok bye." Shane's all, wha wait, a minute, I haven't even seduced you yet. But just wait, cuzz she will. They hug, and Shane has missed the way she smells. Mmmm Good. They make it as sexually charged as possible, then they kiss. And imagine that, they're having relations pretty much everywhere. And then the freakiest thing happens. I start hearing voices. Shane and Carmen's voices back to back saying each others names in echo. I thought there were ghosts or some shit.

Casa de Bambino
Nurse Fodder rolls Tina over with Bette, and there is meconium. The baby is in distress so they have to go the General Hospital.

Circus Tent
Shane is humping Carmen. They climax and... ah all is well. Shane finally tells Carmen she loves her...awww.

The Short Bus
Jenny is just now leaving the Wiltern with her headband on. She walks to the end and flashes of the you know what are going on. She sits next to some little girl with pig tails and stares at her, smiling. She hugs her and starts weeping. If I were that kid, I'd be running. We ride the bus with Jenny as she reminisces about the old days some more.

Tina has a fever and things are getting intense.

General Hospital
Tina is in distress. She believes she failed both, Portard and Bette. She is very emotional, and I don't even see her actually birth the baby. Bette wants to cut the cord. They almost don't let her, but she does. Tina wants to name the baby, Angelica. Then she passes out. That morphine is some good shit. Angelica reminds me, imminently, of the rug rats.

Circus Tent
Jenny sits in the bathtub. Pouring water over her head. Flash to her getting a razor blade out of a compact. Shane is on the phone with, most likely Alice, outside the door. Carmen exits behind her. They hear crying and shouts of pain in the bathroom. She enters to find Jenny on the floor slicing through her thighs. Shane comforts her, and she balls her eyes out. Yoda tells her they will get her help. Jenny says "I need help." Yeah we know, its about time too. Shane covers her leg with a towel and tells her that something good happened. Tina had her baby. Where the f*%$ is Carmen? She just isn't in there at all. I guess she's waiting in the hall through all this.

General Hospital
The whole gang is there to welcome little rugrat into the world. Except Tina who is still in ICU. They pass the baby around like a football, including, to Jenny. To which I say, holy shitballs, somebody help. Rugrat immediately starts crying like any of us would. Jenny gives the baby to Shane, and then to Kit. "You are gonna have a very, very interesting life. Because we are some very, very interesting people." She hands the baby back to Bette. Bette says "we're your family." Smiles all around.

YAY! I will miss you L. We will see you in 9. Peace!

Sorry its so late. i wanted to include all the good bits.

Comments? Praise? Criticism? Email Hollywood


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