Episode 9 – Last Dance Recap

Last week, on the L Word:

1. Finley caught a nasty dewey.
Shane and Tess happened in Vegas.
2. Micah had dinner with a hot doctor. This dinner went up in flames both physically and metaphorically.

Hereeee comes Pippa in a very adventurous hat. It’s giving me beach cabin vibes. It’s giving me fireman vibes. It’s giving me vibes. Does it pass the vibe check? I don’t know. It depends. Where are we going?

We’re going to the protest at the CAC. People are waving signs: “Art Won’t Cover Up Sins” and “Fuck Big Pharma” and “Fuck Corporate Greed”. They’re chanting Hey! Ho! Nunez has got to go!.

Pippa is leading her starry-eyed lover through the crowd. She reassures Bette that this will be her legacy, and then the two of them join the chanting.

After the last episode, I thought that Bette had changed her mind about boycotting Nunez, so I’m a little confused.

Next up, we zoom in on Alice’s panicked face when a reporter who is interviewing her about her book asks if she’s seeing anyone? And if she’ll reveal the name of the lucky lady?

Alice wrote a whole book about herself but didn’t mention that she’s bi?

Angie is nervously waiting to meet her donor with Mama B and Mama T. Is Angie excited to go to prom? Sort of. As in…she doesn’t care. Also, Carrie offered to lend her cufflinks. Bette is the cufflink queen and she is clearly threatened. She informs Angie that she also has cufflinks that can be borrowed! This garners a hefty eye roll from Mama T.

Marcus’s wife steps out to inform Bette that actually, Marcus won’t be able to meet with Angie today. Oh my god, this poor child. And poor me. Can we please just let her meet the dude so we can wrap this up already? 

Sophie shows up after Alice’s interview to drop off a list of candidates to fill in for Alice as talk show host on her 12 week book tour. Also, she wants to ask if Alice has heard from Finley Alice says she doesn’t know where Finley is but maybe she got lost on that scooter thing? Very helpful Alice, thank you.

Dani is reading the Los Angeles Times at breakfast, which is headlined: Bette Porter Rails Against the Nunez Name. She asks Gigi how the hell did Bette get on the cover of the Times? Gigi replies that Bette was almost the mayor. To which Dani spits, so you’re saying this is my fault?

Okay, that made absolutely no sense. But remember when Dani was the reason Bette was almost mayor?

Gigi comforts Dani by reminding her that she’ll find a way to spin this. Also, she has Eli’s recorder concert to look forward to tonight. Whoa, meeting the babies already? Gigi says she’ll bring edibles to the recorder concert. I cannot picture Dani taking an edible.

TiBette are together again for Angie’s big day (prom). Bette asks Angie if she needs help with her suit and Angie says no, I don’t need anything from either of you. Very dramatic. What is she mad about now?

Tina is mad at Bette for not pushing back more when Marcus’s wife said he couldn’t meet Angie. Alice shows up with a fun prom present for Angie: Vodka! Whoa there! No booze for baby!

Dani is practicing her PR shit with a grumpy man in a suit.

Grumpy man: Once you knew opioids were addictive, you continued to promote them as if they were not, is that right?
Dani: We’ve been through this. I know the line about user error…blame the addict, I get it.

Dani’s dad busts into the room and asks her to do the job she’s already doing. There are artists outside the CAC protesting their own art! he exclaims. Dani tells him not to worry: the CAC won’t be bullied into giving back a quarter of their annual budget just because a few renegade artists are upset.

At the prom pre-party, Jordi is adjusting Angie’s corsage and Angie is being a huge bummer as always. She complains about how Mama B didn’t fight hard enough to get Marcus to let her see him. Jordi suggests that Angie be mad about this tomorrow because today is prom: AKA the most important day of Jordi’s life. I agree with Jordi. It’s important to shove the pain deep inside yourself and fake your way through life.

Thank god Alice is here to break through the misery. Tina asks Alice what the deal is with Shane and Tess. Alice says they’re together, but they might not know that they’re together. But she knows it! When they show up holding hands, Alice gasps oh they know!!! And Shane makes this face:

OMG HOW CUTE IS THAT.

Tess offers to help with food and Tina mouths “I like her” at Shane. By the way, Shane also brought a prom gift for Angie: beer. HAHA.

Sophie is calling the Sheriff’s department to see if they have Finley in custody. Really, Sophie? That’s the first place you look? She tells them it’s been 36 hours since Finley’s been missing and they say it’s too soon to file a missing person’s report, but she should try calling local hospitals. Sophie says thanks and then steps out of her car to join her grandma’s birthday party. Um…what? Okay.

Maribel, ever the giver of useful advice, informs Sophie that Finley could be dead in a ditch somewhere. This is annoying but helpful. Sophie wasn’t even going to check the ditches. She’s too busy checking the PRISONS.

Sophie disappears to make phone calls and Maribel’s mom pops up to ask Maribel about what’s going on with Finley. Then she says to Maribel, thank god you don’t have to worry about any of that dating crap. Um, what?! Maribel’s family doesn’t know she’s dating Micah? Maribel’s family doesn’t know that she dates?

Bitch please I get more dick than you could dream of.

Micah is shocked that Maribel’s family doesn’t know that they’re dating. He seems upset. I would be too! Why invite the guy you’re dating if you’re not going to tell your family you’re dating? Kinda weird.

Dani shows up to the protest to argue with the CAC guy. She tells him this will blow over and begs him not to ruin her family name.

Back at the pre-prom party, Bette is studying her feature in the Los Angeles Times. Alice strides up to say, that’s a great picture. Bette is all, yeah, I don’t want to make a big deal out of it, *hair tuck*, but it really is one of the most powerful moments of my career. Then she starts talking about her favorite topic– Pippa– who she wants Angie to meet!

Alice tells Bette about her struggle with whether or not to go public with her relationship with Tom. She says that lesbians don’t believe that bisexuals exist and mentions the issue of bringing a man into a lesbian space. She brings up a line that Bette might have said to her once? “Bi now, gay later”. Bette says, come on, that was 20 years ago.

Angie walks in and Alice asks her if she should tell the world she’s dating a man. Angie says, nobody cares. Teenagers are so refreshing.

Angie looks so cute in her suit OMG SO CUTEEEEEEE. Imagine looking this cute at prom?

Tess compliments Angie’s suit and Shane notices her attitude.

Shane, Tess, and Tina discuss their Carrie interaction the other night. Tess really likes Carrie, but Carrie is kind of like Eeyore. Also like Eeyore? Shane, apparently. Haha!

Tina asks them if anything happened with Bette the other night and Shane immediately dismisses the idea. Lies! Lies!

Tess and Shane convene in the laundry room to discuss. Tess thinks Shane should be honest with Tina about what happened with Carrie the other night. Shane doesn’t think it’s relevant information since Carrie was so drunk. And then they’re making out! Eep!! This couple is really growing on me.

Shane and Tess’s Sexy Time is interrupted, first by a teenage boy with a corsage– eep! And then by Tess getting a phone call from Sophie.

Tess tells Shane that she has to dip, she’s going to go into the bar early to see if Finley’s there. Shane and Tess share a disgustingly cute goodbye and Alice wants Shane to tell her “everything”, to which Shane responds by promptly excusing herself. asdfghjkl I LOVE how happy Shane looks and this relationship is making me giggly.

Bette is taking prom photos with a film camera? Vintage. Angie is making pouty faces like a tantrum-throwing toddler at the pumpkin patch and I am so tired of her ass right now. Jordi calls her out. As she should!

Angie has the nerve to tell Jordi that she’s being an asshole. Um, hello!!! Jordi finally lets it rip. She says Angie should be mad at her donor, not her. And not her moms. And Angie…loses it. Uh oh. She runs off (RIP prom photos) to have a breakdown in her room.

I understand why this is all really rough on Angie. I do. She wanted to meet her donor, her moms didn’t want her to, she found out that he was dying, and then she finally had her chance and it was shot down. It sucks. But I don’t understand why this situation is sooo dramatic for Angie that she’s letting it ruin her relationship. Trauma is all relative, but on a scale of 1 to 10 teen drama, surely Angie’s drama doesn’t rank that high? She has good friends, a girlfriend, a new half-sister, and most importantly, TWO good parents. And she’s flying off the rails over some guy who jacked off into a cup? Make it make sense!

At dinner, Sophie’s mom brings up the fact that Finley’s not there. Sophie says that Finley is at work, and Maribel outs Sophie for lying because she can’t mind her business! Maribel also tells the family that Finley got a DUI. Ugh, Maribel!!! Shut your mouth!!!

Finally, revenge. Since Maribel loves to spill other people’s tea like it’s her full-time job, Sophie decides to spill hers. Maribel is dating Micah! Surprise! Muahaha. Great way to change the subject.

Mom and Nana are shocked. Isn’t he gay? Isn’t he…a trans? Yikes. That got iffy real fast. In Spanish, Maribel says that it’s serious with her and Micah. He makes her happy and she loves him.

Sophie bites air off her fork. Sometimes you just need to take a good bite of air.

Maribel loves Micah! She looooooves him. Oo.

Dani gets a call from Gigi asking if she’s on her way to Eli’s recorder concert, which is about to start. Dani says she’s stuck in traffic even though she is in fact sitting on her couch. Dani, if you don’t stop your lying bullshit and start treating this woman like an absolute queen I will lose my shit!

Bette tells Jordi to go to prom without Angie. She says Angie will join her later. Tina starts yelling at her for promising this, which leads to Tina also yelling at her for what she might have said to Carrie the other night.

Mom and dad are fighting again.

Bette tells Tina the only thing she told Carrie is that she didn’t think it was absolutely necessary for the two of them to be best friends. Okay…this is technically true. But Tina is right to question Bette’s tone because Bette’s tone emitted more of a I would rather cut off my big toe with dull scissors than sit next to you at a party.

Ding dong! Pippa’s here! Bette goes from shouty to, omg hiiii 😉 in a dizzying flurry.

What tha fuck is happening rn

Tina lets Pippa know that she is a huge fan! Bette took her to a Pippa Pascal show in Harlem years ago. Cool.

Pippa lets Tina know that there’s a crying girl in her driveway. Poor Jordi.

Pippa comes with big news: the museum caved and the Nunez wing is toast. Bette happy-sobs in her arms.

Alice and Shane comfort Angie in her room. Angie admits that she shouldn’t be mad at her moms or Jordi. She’s just upset that her donor doesn’t want to meet her. Shane reassures Angie that she doesn’t have to go to prom. I disagree. You better get your ass to prom, Angie!

Tina watches this thing happen:

I’m right here, guys.

Tina asks Bette how long she and Pippa have been seeing each other and comments that it doesn’t seem like a new relationship.

Shane and Alice usher the now-smiling Angie out the door to prom. Thank god!

Once everyone is gone and Tina and Bette are alone again, Bette says, I think we should go back. Tina says, back to what? The hospital, Tina. What did you think she was gonna say?!?!

Micah and Maribel are Netflix and chilling and it’s very cute. He reveals that he understood Maribel’s Spanish when she said she loveeeeed him. I guess I can forgive Micah for dumping Dr Claudia on the first date. Ugh.

Bette and Tina are in the hospital waiting room again. Bette is doing what Bette does: taking a work call. And can we talk about Tina’s eye roll when Bette mentions Pippa Pascal? Is she…jealous?

Peep the eye roll. PEEP THE EYE ROLL.

When Bette gets off the phone, Tina brings up Carrie again. Why can’t Bette be happy for her and Carrie? Then, out of the blue, Tina asks if Bette is still in love with her. Whoa. I was not expecting that.

Fortunately, they’re interrupted by Marcus’s wife, so Bette doesn’t have to answer. I think it’s shitty of Tina to bring this up, cuz like…even if Bette is in love with her, what difference does it make? Tina doesn’t feel the same way. Tina doesn’t want to get back together with Bette. I’m not sure where this is headed.

Gigi finds out that Dani lied about being stuck in traffic. She says she’s not going to let Dani take her shit out on her. I’m glad that Gigi is putting up boundaries. Dani needs to work on her communication skills, and Gigi seems like the right person for that.

Sophie convenes with Tess at the bar to discuss the case of the missing Finley. Tess says Finley has a lot of stuff to work out, and she’s not going to work it out if she has Sophie around to pick up the pieces. 

We found Finley! Is she dead in a ditch? Nope? She is…pissing in Dani’s hall.

Whoa. Okay, I thought Dani’s apartment was bougie, but apparently it’s not bougie enough. Is there no security around here? Security!

Alice is on the phone with someone who is thanking her for being an influential lesbian. At this point I’m definitely getting the vibe that Alice’s book left some details out. She finally blurts it out: she’s dating Tom. A man. The line goes quiet.

Angie runs to meet up with Jordi at prom, who isn’t that mad at her for being a wreck. Phew!

Like 5 minutes apparently.

Bette and Tina meet up with Marcus, who is on his deathbed but still keeping up with the LA Times, apparently. He congratulates Bette on her recent success and explains that he didn’t want to put his sperm donor baby through the stress of meeting him right before he dies. Bette and Tina convince Marcus to meet her anyways and give him the list of questions she’s been working on to ask him.

Finley, who looks absolutely disgusting, has shouted her way into Dani’s apartment, which she finds very fancy and nice. She asks Dani why she ever lived in a shithole (aka Micah’s house) and I am so glad someone finally asked!

She then compliments Dani on her relationship with Gigi and observes that they are both very hot. This interaction would be funny under different circumstances, but Finley looks like she just crawled out of the pit of hell and this scene is giving me horror movie vibes. I’m half expecting Finley to whip out a knife and stab someone.

Finley wants to know why Dani is staring at her like she’s scared of her and also, why does Sophie look at her like she’s scared of her? Why is everyone scared of her? I am also scared ohmygod Finley please take a shower. And a nap.

Next up, we have what is possibly the most violent montage ever aired on The L Word, and that is really saying a lot! Angie is slow dancing at prom while her donor is LITERALLY DYING. Yep, they zap him with those zappy things and then the screen flatlines and the nurse checks her watch so he’s LITERALLY DEAD. I know that because I regrettably watched four seasons of Grey’s Anatomy and I’ll never get those hours back. And who would be there to witness this moment but Bette and Tina? ASDFGHJKL I cannot believe this show killed another black person.

The end. Of this episode but also Angie’s relationship with her parents (basically killed her donor, oops) and with Jordi (made her go to stupid prom while her sperm donor was dying, oops).

Have a great week everyone!