Episode 7 – Lose it All Recap

Sophie is naked in the shower. Yes! This episode is off to a promising start! I love it when women are naked in the shower.  Guess who gets to see Sophie’s fine ass naked in the shower? Dani! But Dani’s already on the phone, talking about work. She seems super stressed about Pierce quitting. Sophie leans out of the shower and goes, “Will you grab me a razor, babe?” And of course Sophie looks super hot because her hair is all wet, and she’s leaning out of the shower, and she kind of smiles at Dani and she’s naked…because, again, she’s in the shower. 

I’m really on the edge of my seat here. What will Dani do? 

Nothing. She does nothing. She just hands Sophie the razor and…walks away. 

Guess who else sees Sophie naked in the shower? Finley! Has she moved in yet? Finley busts into the bathroom and she’s all, DAMNNNN, THAT ASS IS TIGHT!!! Sophie calls Finley stupid, which is her go-to, but this time it’s less of a you’re so STUPID 🙁 and more of a you’re so STUPID 🙂. 

Why is Finley in the bathroom? Ah, yes, so that she can have a moment with her pits. She sniffs her pits and comments on their unpleasant odor. 

Okay, I’ll admit, I’m loving every moment of this. I wish I lived with Finley and her pits. I wish she would bust in on me in the shower and shamelessly comment on my nude physique. I wouldn’t even mind her getting her spit all over my almond milk carton. 

Finley finishes up with her pits and resumes commenting on Sophie’s wet naked body. Sophie says “Get out of here!” but then after Finley leaves she’s all 🙂

!!!

It’s morning at the throuple palace and Gigi has ALREADY made the kids breakfast and color-coordinated the closet. The three discuss their night-time plans, and Alice has a meeting, so she asks Gigi and Nat to not watch Below Deck without her. I have never heard of that show. Does it have lesbians in it?

Cue breakfast at the Dani house, where we learn that Micah’s mom is in town and she has already purchased 24 marijuana gummies from the pot shop. OOoo, she sounds fun. I want to meet her. I feel like Micah’s mom is going to be wild, since Micah is so…normal. Fun kids never get fun parents. It’s like a rule. 

Sophie gets a call. Gramma Sophie went to bed, bumped her head, and couldn’t get up in the morning. She’s on her way to the hospital 🙁 Sophie is panicking. Poor thing. She tells Dani she should go to work. This is a lie. Dani should definitely, definitely not go to work! Dani!!!! Your fiance’s grandma is in the hospital!!! What are you thinking?!?!

Dani: What’s wrong?
Sophie: Oh, nbd, my grandma is just dying. You should go to work though. 
Dani: K. 

Mama Micah shows up and she’s all, you’ve lost weight! Ah, yes. Mothers. 

Shane, Bette, and Tina are all having…brunch? Drinks? Or sitting at a table anyway. Shane is going to the baby ultrasound today! Omg! She’s going to hear Baby Shiara’s little heartbeat! 

That doesn’t sound right. Shiara? Shanara? Quiarane?

Bette and Tina are like, OMG, remember when we first heard Angie’s heart beat? And then they clasp hands and sing: horses stampeding in the mud!!! At this, my gag reflex unexpectedly activates. Am I allergic to love? Tina is taking Angie to Jordi’s to watch a movie. 

Tina: I’m taking Angie to Jordi’s to watch a movie!
Shane: You know what that means 😉

Yeah, TiBette, you know what that means! Your baby girl has forgone the standard 10-year-awkward-coming-out phase and had the good sense to fall for a girl that might actually be gay! And they’re going to watch a movie! And cuddle! And kiss! On the lips! 

I’m so proud 🙂

And then Tina suggests that she and Bette have dinner. And Bette is a smooth motherfucker, so she’s like, hey, how about dinner at my place? And Shane is like, 😉

Sophie rushes to the hospital, where her family is panicking about Grandma’s fate. Sophie uses her authoritative voice to assure her mom and cousin that NOTHING is going to happen and everything is going to be FINE. Then she promptly exits and crumbles outside. 

Aww, this is really heartwarming. I love to see how Sophie works so hard to keep it together for her family and be the person that they need, even when she’s anxious and scared herself. 

You know what else is heartwarming? Finley showing up in a hamburger shirt with Funyuns, Cheetos, and SnoBalls and calling Sophie “Bubba”. So far in this episode we’ve heard Finley call Sophie “Boo” and “Bubba”…how many pet names does she have for Sophie?

Then Finley holds Sophie while she cries. And kisses her forehead. WHY AM I CRYING?!

Dani and Bette are in line for coffee, and Dani is acting CrayZay. She’s all, why hasn’t this line fucking moved? And Bette is like, SHHHH. And then Dani kind of barks her order at the barista and Bette adds a Please. Bette is normally the beacon of abrupt behavior, but next to Dani and her Big Old Attitude, Bette is looking downright sweet. 

Shout out to the barista, who looks super gay.

Dani is trying to convince Bette to let her run a negative ad in anticipation of the negative ad that is likely going to be run about her. Bette says no. Dani snaps, “It’s just really frustrating when you won’t let you do my job!” Yikes.

Quiara and Shane go to the ultrasound and guess what the baby’s heartbeat sounds like? Horses stampeding through the mud. 

I don’t know what this is, but it needs to stop. 

Quiara looks delighted. Shane looks constipated. 

Alice goes to her meeting, where she had planned to propose the firing of Annoying White Guy before the next season. Plot twist- Annoying White Guy is at the meeting. Alice pitches her plan anyway, because she’s a savage. Aaaand her network informs her that her show is in danger of not having a next season. 

DAMNIT. Do we need all this realism? Of course a feminist-lesbian talkshow would be struggling with ratings. Of course cis-het-white-guy perspective would be necessary in order to rescue it from its lack of success. Of course said Annoying White Guy would ironically mansplain talk show terms in a meeting with a woman who LITERALLY HAS HER OWN TALK SHOW. Let me have my fantasy! I just want to temporarily exist on a planet that isn’t like this! 

Shane and Tess have a meeting to discuss the fact that Dana’s is not making enough money. Shane is like, ohmygod, whyyyyyy???

WELL, SHANE. I could think of a few good reasons!!!

1. You hired an alcoholic as your bar manager. 
2. You fucked one of your employees, so she disappeared
3. You hired an unreliable booze-slinging party girl with NO EXPERIENCE as temp bartender instead of posting on Indeed like a normal person
4. You regularly sip your own supply
5. You let your best friends throw a massive open-bar party at YOUR BAR, which was filled with a bunch of randos who were drinking your booze for free
6. In order to make money selling booze, you have to actually SELL. BOOZE. 

Shane apologizes for snapping at Tess and explains that she’s upset about her morning with her SO. Tess recommends communicating with her SO about it. Shane acts like she’s never thought of this revolutionary idea before. 

Jose and Micah are at lunch with Mama Micah. Awww!!! I love that Jose and Mama Micah are meeting. Does this mean Jose and Micah are serious? I hope it does. I love Jose! He’s so cuteeeee.

Micah: TELL HIM WHAT YOU DID.
Mama Micah: I did weed. Heehee. I’m so quirky and cute! 🙂

Jose is smiling and friendly and totally the kind of boyfriend you could take to meet your weird parents. Who wouldn’t love Jose? Mama Micah is all, look at my son! You should have seen him when he was a little girl! Then she takes out her phone and starts showing Jose pictures of when Micah was a little girl. 

Oh. My. God.

This would be a normal embarrassing-parent situation, except for the fact that MICAH ISN’T A GIRL ANYMORE. Or rather, he never was. 

Poor Micah! On the one hand, I think Jose is totally cool enough to handle this. He seems comfortable with Micah’s trans identity. Not like he’s fetishizing it, or circling miles about it. From what I gather from his conversations with Micah thus far (I don’t like to talk about my transition…I used to be a lesbian…etc.), Jose seems fairly woke and open-minded. He respects Micah’s boundaries and doesn’t challenge or obsess over Micah’s gender identity. I feel for Micah in this scene because his mom just totally disregards him and definitely breaks some boundaries. She keeps showing Jose pictures of Micah as a kid even when both Micah and Jose tell her to stop. Then, even worse, she continues talking about Micah’s childhood and even using “she” pronouns when she talks about him. 

The she-pronouns are disrespectful and incorrect. Not only that, but they’re creepy. Talking about a trans man’s childhood and using “she” makes it sound like someone died, or something. And that’s exactly what Micah yells. “That little girl is gone, Mom. She’s dead!”

This line makes me curious. Does Micah feel like the person he was pre-transition is someone who died? Or does he just trying to put it into words that his mom will understand? It almost seems like Micah’s mom is treating him as if his past self has died, since she seems to misgender Micah in the past, but not in the present. 

Micah yells at his mom and exits the restaurant. Understandable. Jose follows him. Micah says, she always does this! Always does…what? Misgenders Micah in front of his boyfriends? Talks about Baby Micah like she’s mourning a deceased child? Completely disregards Micah’s boundaries? Dunno. But Jose reassures Micah that his mom’s embarrassing behavior will never change how he thinks of Micah. Aww!!

Mama Micah stares out the window at Jose and Micah kissing with what appears to be the stink-eye face, but I could be wrong. 

PS., Leo Sheng wrote a rad instagram post about this scene and points out that this family dynamic was radical in terms of Asian-American representation. I hadn’t thought about it, but it’s true. On the rare occasion that we actually get Asian representation on TV, you really only see the “tiger mom” stereotype depicted. Asian representation is so mind-bafflingly awful on TV in general to this day. Growing up, I always thought this was weird. I was raised in a city that was 16% Asian, but I literally never saw Asian people on TV. And if I did, their characters were always so heavily influenced by stereotypes. Fuckin’ weird. 

Bette and Tina are sipping wine and having dinner. Remember when Bette didn’t know how to cook? And only learned when Tina dumped her for the second or third time? Our Bette’s come a long way. She chops herbs now. And she has mysteriously-shaped dishes that even I would not know the name for. Bette is all smiley and nervous and keeps saying nice things to Tina. 

Bette: It’s so nice having you here 🙂 🙂
Tina: I’m marrying Carrie!!!

WHAT?! Tina left Bette for a woman? 
It’s official. They’re never getting back together. 

Bette gets more wacked out than we’ve ever seen her. She jumps up from the table and grabs a bottle of wine to pour into her glass, even though she has a small glass of red poured and the kitchen wine is white. Then she stares at the pink mix for a minute and jumps up again to grab champagne. They haven’t even eaten. Bette, despite her obvious distress, is very kind and sincere in her congratulations to Tina. Tina just kind of looks at Bette with an expression of pity, which is the absolute most painful thing to watch. There’s nothing worse than being pitied by an ex. Nothing!

This scene is heartbreaking but I appreciate the fact that it seems to offer some closure for the viewer. The relationship dynamics between Bette and Tina have shifted so much. Tina finally has the upper hand, which she clearly wanted and she’s marrying a person who gives her space to focus on her career, which is apparently something that Tina feels that Bette couldn’t give her. Bette has still been hung up on Tina up to this point, which means Tina may have given Bette just enough attention for her to hold onto hope that they might one day get back together again. If Tina is getting married, hopefully Bette can give up on that dream now and focus her energy on finding someone emotionally available who she’s compatible with. 

Alice has a convo with DouchePants WhiteGuy at work. DouchePants knows that Alice wants him gone, but he assures her that he’s trying to build a “queer sandbox” for her to play in. Ew. Is there cat poop in it? But he has a concrete idea to pitch to her: produce a viral video. Seems tame enough. I hope that works out. We need Alips!!

It’s date night at the Throuple Palace, minus the fun blonde. Gigi and Nat, as promised, do not watch Below Deck without Alice, but Gigi decides to go below Nat’s deck. Oh, yeah. Cue sexy synthesizer music. We get a kitchen kiss, some prolonged eye contact, and boom. To the bedroom. Gigi grabs Nat’s neck, then starts kissing her nipples. She rears back to pull her shirt off…

This is exactly the moment when my airbnb guest walks in the room. Because, of course she does. That’s the rule. 

…and we’re still going. We get kissing/face sucking and then Gigi sticks her fingers in Nat’s mouth. And then in her own. And then the fingers are going down…

Seriously, there’s a woman I barely know eating yogurt, like, 10 feet away from me. This is fine. This is my life. 

There’s some rocking and Nat starts moaning. Then Gigi whips back and starts going down on Nat.

Finley and Sophie are in the waiting room. Sophie says, I can’t believe Dani didn’t come. Finley seems surprised at this. You told her not to come! Bless Finley for not immediately attacking Dani. Ragging on your friend’s boo is not necessarily going to make them feel better. Sophie’s leg is shaking all anxious-like and Finley slaps a firm hand down on Sophie’s thigh. Sophie’s eyelashes flutter a little bit. 

Sparks or nah? SPARKS OR NAH?!?!

Finley listens to Sophie talk about her Grandma, then offers to pray with Sophie. This is so sweet. 

Quiara waits at a fancy restaurant for Shane. OMG, Shane! Don’t stand your hot celebrity ex-wife up! Quiara gets fed up waiting for Shane and leaves…and runs into Shane outside. Instead of offering an excuse for being late, Shane launches right into a, look, today was really hard. She explains that she got freaked out after the ultrasound because she didn’t have any happy mama feelings about the baby. Quiara isn’t freaked out by this at all. She’s just grateful to Shane for communicating. Shane tries to get out of going into Fancy Restaurant for McDonalds McFlurries instead, but Quiara is like, no thanks, I had two today already. 

Quiara: I’m starving. 
Shane: So what you’re saying is…instead of going to McDonalds, you want to eat at this fancy restaurant that we already agreed to meet at. 

Finley runs into Dani in Dani’s bedroom, where she’s picking up clothes for Sophie.

Finley: So, like…do you want to come back with me to the hospital to see your girlfriend and her DYING Grandma?
Dani: Yeah…I guess. No plans. 

Dani resumes mild ranting about work and Finley is like, oh, your work is kinda intense, right? So like…what happens to you when the race ends?

YASSSSSS. I love this seemingly-innocent, well-placed question. Way to subtly remind Dani that her job is TEMPORARY and possibly, NOT THAT FUCKING IMPORTANT. Dani’s whole Career Daddy Lesbian thing was convincing and hot…until it wasn’t. Tell me why Dani’s acting like she’s the damn one running for mayor. Scratch that, Dani acts like she’s running for president of the United States. Mayors do jack shit. 

Then Finley says it; I think you should have been there today. 

I’m expecting an, I know, or a drudgery of excuses, but Dani does the managerial, excuse me?

OHMYGOD DANI. 

It gets worse. After Dani gets all hot and defensive, Finley retorts with a, dude, you should have been there. It’s her grandma. Even I knew to be there. And this is the moment when Dani’s fangs come out. She basically says that Finley should have been there because her job is less important than Dani’s. 

WHAT??!!!

First of all, Dani’s job didn’t even fucking exist until she showed up at Bette Porter’s doorstep demanding that she be hired for it. I’m pretty fucking sure she can set her own hours. 

When Dani says, our circumstances are different, Finley spins it perfectly. She says, Yeah, they are…I’m not her fiance. Then she stares Dani down, seemingly to establish dominance. She throws in a fuckboy smile for good measure. It works. Dani looks away.

Dani: 0
Finley: 22

Alice gets home to Gigi and Nat naked in bed, post-coitus. She’s upset. Alice didn’t even want the two watching a show without her and they went and had sex without her. To be fair, it didn’t seem like the three established sex rules. Still, Alice gets pissed and leaves. 

Alice shows up to Shane’s house all distraught. Shane laughs and says, what did you expect! Such a supportive friend. But I mean…she has a point. Guess who else is at Shane’s house? Bette! Who Alice is still mad at. Bette says she didn’t tell Alice about Felicity because she didn’t want to be judged. Alice is like, why would I judge you? I’m in a throuple!

Shane says, throuples are complicated, Al. She can’t say the word “throuple” without cracking a smile. Can’t blame her. Alice and Bette hug and make up. Yay!!! Bette, Alice, and Shane are the only throuple I need in my life.

Micah and his mom have a talk. Micah’s mom promises to do better. Aw!! Then she endorses Micah’s relationship with Jose. Aw!! Mama Micah’s psychic mom powers have also clued her into the fact that Jose LOVESSSS Micah. And she tells Micah that he should tell him that he loves him too. 

<3 <3 <3

Finley: Hi, Babe.
Dani: Hi.

Finley and Dani show up back at the hospital. Sophie smiles sweetly and says Aw, you came! Dani says, should have been here sooner, in a tone that does not convey genuine remorse. 

Not five minutes into Dani’s visit, she gets a notification about that negative ad she was so worried about. It ran! Somebody inevitably made a video with the intent of tarnishing Bette’s good name! Err, sorry…tarnishing Bette’s already-considerably-tarnished name. What’s the difference, really? Aaaaand Dani’s gone. Almost as quickly as she appeared. 

Is Sophie mad? Nope. She’s too used to Dis Shit, apparently. Finley gives an irritated puff and says, I’m sorry, bud. Then she offers to beat Dani up, but in a joking way, because Finley knows how to steal your girl. 

Boo. Bubba. Babe. Bud. What’s next? Bae? Baby? Pilates-Booty Judy? 

Sophie says, it’s fine. This is why I didn’t want her to come. Hot dog! Your fiance isn’t supposed to suck at putting work aside so much that you don’t even want them at the hospital with you when your family members are ill. Sophie reveals to Finley that she’s been reading lesbian fiction to her unconscious Grandma, so that when she wakes up, she’ll yell at me!. Fucking genius. 

Also, I already ordered the book that Sophie was reading from Amazon. It’s called “Women” by Chloe Caldwell. Get yours here.

Dani shows up at Bette’s all panicked. 

Dani: I told you this would happen! What do you want to do?
Bette: Nothing. Would you like a whiskey?

Does Dani politely revoke Bette’s offer? Does she apologize for wasting Bette’s time and promptly return to the hospital where her fiance’s grandma is potentially dying?
NOPE. 
She goes, YEeeEeS. PLEaSE. 

The please seemed like an afterthought, since Mama B is teaching her manners. Bette gets up to fix the drink and Dani stares at Bette and smiles. 

WHAT. THE. FUCK. 

Is Dani secretly in love with Bette? That would be the easiest explanation, but there’s been no recent chemistry. There have been no signs, except for Dani being a complete jackass to Sophie and blowing off her personal life for work to an unreasonable degree. Why, Dani?! WHYYYY.

Sophie is walking Finley out of the hospital. The two look so…glowy? Finley offers to stay overnight! Wow! Sophie says no. She’s all smiley. Finley turns towards Sophie to say goodbye. No hug. Probably a good move. She says, I love you. Sophie says she loves Finley too. Finley walks away…and…

Sophie grabs Finley’s hand and pulls her back. Music starts to play. Finley stares into Sophie’s eyes, looking totally devastated. She’s like, what are you doing, bud? We know what Sophie’s doing. 

Sophie kisses Finley! 

!!!

She grabs Finley’s torso and then Finley grabs Sophie’s neck and kisses her back, hard. I feel…things. Like, in my vulva. 

Nat is leaving Alice a voicemail. She says she needs time to figure out what she’s doing…what she wants…UGH. 

Alice meets up with Nat and Gigi at a cafe. And it’s time for Nat to reveal the conclusions that she came to during her time to figure out what she was doing. But it turns out that Nat was doing Gigi that whole time! In Nat and Alice’s bed! While Alice was sleeping on Shane’s couch! Gigi and Nat want Alice to come back! But they also have this dewy, newly-wed look. And again, they had to spend days fucking before they could agree to this. Poor Alice. Alice begins the process of extracting herself from this fuckery, when to make matters worse, the waiter arrives with Gigi and Nat’s lunch. They didn’t even wait for Alice to order? And they got one soup with two spoons? Ew.

Alice is mad. I’m mad! I was hoping for more throuple screen time. 

Sophie and Maribel are taking a stroll. Sophie is wearing a lobster polo, because Finley’s chaotic energy has rubbed off on her? Maybe. Sophie opens up to her cousin about the fact that she kissed Finley. 

Maribel: You kissed Finley???
Sophie: She was with me all day…she brought me snacks…
Maribel: So you kissed her because she brought you snacks?!?!

Maribel acts like this is wild and crazy, but I’m on Sophie’s side with this one. Snacks are the little-known 6th love language. Snacks are the way to my heart…my lips…my vagina…my soul. If someone brought me funyuns, I’d kiss them too. Maybe not, like, after the funyuns, but…

Maribel asks if Sophie kissed Finley with tongue. Maribel’s tone implies that Finley’s tongue is the seventh circle of hell. Sophie is like, ew, no!

There was definitely tongue. I know. I watched the scene five times. 

Maribel: Are you going to tell Dani?
Sophie: No! Should I?
Maribel: …

Is Sophie going to tell Dani? IS SOPHIE GOING TO TELL DANI?!?!

Who’s team FinPhie? SophLey? I have to admit, their chemistry took me off guard, but I’m tired of Dani and Sophie fighting. I just want happy feelings. FinPhie is doing it for me. 

Until next week!!