Episode 5 – Lobsters, Too Recap

In this episode, we have it all. Step right up to hear my thoughts on lesbians that love MILFs, lesbians that love GILFs, and lesbians that clock out of work at their resident lesbian bar to have hot lesbian sex at all hours of the day.

To review:
1. Shane wants to shalala with Tess
2. Micah wants to shalala with Maribel
3. The whole lesbian world wants to shalala with Gigi

The episode starts off with Finley hurling in a toilet and then shotgunning a beer out of the fridge. I can’t tell if she’s completely unhinged or just very efficient with her hangover cures. Sophie and Finley proceed to have the most awkward conversation I have ever seen in my LIFE. Finley knows Sophie was canoodling Dani in Ohai. Finley is visibly distraught and Sophie thinks it’s a good idea to call Finley SUCH A GOOD FRIEND. Ugh.

Speaking of painful moments, Gigi wakes up after what I can only assume is a night of passionate love making with Bette Porter to find Bette Porter typing away on a laptop at Gigi’s desk, already too immersed in work to offer eye contact.

Gigi tells Bette she’s meeting someone, and Bette immediately assumes that she means she’s making a romantic connection, perhaps because she is aware of the fact that she is, against all odds, sucking all the passion and chemistry out of this relationship at the speed of light.

Gigi says she’s meeting with Dani and does that bother Bette? It doesn’t bother Bette. Bette wouldn’t be bothered if Gigi and Dani’s meeting consisted of naked oil wrestling. Does Bette want to talk about the other night? As in, the night that Bette showed up and ravaged Gigi in a near-violent rage? Nope. You guessed it. Bette does not.

Before Gigi leaves, Bette makes sure to mention her #1 crush Pippa Pascal. She gets all smiley and happy.

The entire lesbian world is screaming. We love Gigi. WE LOVE GIGI. We will never forgive Bette Porter for this! Never!

Finley is off to work at Dana’s, carting around trolleys of Tecate beer and when Shane asks her how she’s doing, she seems like she’s ready to talk to someone – anyone! – about how she is doing, but Shane cuts her off. Shane is queen of the heart-to-heart lately, but apparently not for Finley. That reminds me: what happened to Shane and Finley’s cute little mentor/mentee bond? I thought she was supposed to teach Finley to be a playa? They should start those lessons up again soon.

We last saw Tess rejecting a mouth-kiss from Shane and now she’s wondering if it’s okay if the woman she met at a party the other night comes to pick her up for a date…now? As in…at the bar? In the middle of her shift?

And by woman, she means WOMAN. Grown. GROWN WOMAN.

MILF ALERT. MILF ALERT.

AND THE MILF.
GILF?
IS.
CHERIE!

CHERIE?!?!?!?!?!? As in Cherie Jaffe?!?!?!

OH MY GODDDDDD.

Sorry, sorry, I’m done. Cherie!!!

Oh my god.

Alice and…oh my god…already forgot his name. Yes, I did. 

Tom! It’s Tom. Alice and Tom are done editing the book, and their conversation includes playful hoodie string pulling and Tom giving Alice a pen in a FANCY BOX. I know where this is going.

Dani goes to visit her dad in jail, and surprise! Daddy made her CEO of his company. She had so many papers to sign for that 2 million dollar condo so he just slid those right in. She’s hella pissed. She threatens her dad and his lawyer with an ultimatum: tell me what’s going on or I set the whole place on fire. Then she marches out the jail and slides into Gigi’s car.

I’ve got to admit, it would be fun to see Dani set things on fire…but also, being rich is cute for her so maybe it would be better if her dad just filled her in on his gangster shit. I’m fine with either option, really. I think it would be funny if Dani messed things up with her dad and her inheritance and was suddenly broke. Maybe not Helena Peabody funny, since Dani seems a little more detached from the lifestyle of the rich and the famous.

Angie and her mom, mom, and stepmom are due for therapy with Micah, but Bette is late because she has a bad attitude. Carrie says, do you think she will behave? By which she means, do you think Bette will behave? Highly unlikely.

Carrie says, maybe I shouldn’t have come, and Tina says, What do you mean, you’re the one who wants to get married?

Um…what? Is marriage not a two-person arrangement? Or did Carrie decide to get married and Tina went along with it because she had nothing better to do? Ugh. That’s so…Tina.

Angie pitches donating a kidney to her donor, and Bette predictably loses her mind.

Angie runs off, Tina follows her, and Carrie tries to bring up her own relationship with her biological mother, which isn’t incredibly moving for Bette, who hasn’t seen her biological mother in 30 years and doesn’t know or care if she’s alive. Carrie says, how do you know it wouldn’t be amazing to reconnect with her? And Bette shoots, same way you know you don’t like fucking scallops, Carrie.

HAHA. THE FUCKING SCALLOPS.

Sophie pitches her segment to Alice, which involves highlighting everyday lesbians such as an old lesbian couple who are disgustingly in love. Aw! Alice is undergoing the everyday torture of texts from her ex who wants to get back together.

Tess, Cherie, and Shane are all having drinks. Oh my god, I can’t believe Cherie’s back. This is so weird. Remember when Shane went to Cherie’s house to do her hair and Cherie ripped her pants off within .05 seconds of Shane walking in the door and then proceeded to ruin her life? I remember. It was awful. And kind of hot.

Cherie reveals that she is now an out and proud lesbian. Nice.

Tess excuses herself from the table to go shout expletives in the back. Finley finds her and asks for Sophie advice. Tess tells her to find someone who knows her worth. Very good advice.

Bette, Tina, Carrie, and Angie are back in the same room again and Angie goes straight for the heartstrings. She brings up Black Lives Matter and the fact that she walks through the world differently than Bette, who has lighter skin. She reminds her parents that her black relatives (Kit, Bette’s dad) are all dead. She doesn’t want to lose her relationship with Kayla, who looks like her and shares her life experiences.

Carrie’s takeaway from the session is that she’s starving, she needs a hot tub, she needs a massage, and she doesn’t know how Tina ever married Bette Porter. Tina says, don’t talk about her like that. Yess! Go Tina! We love a respectful co-parent. But Tina follows that with, maybe I brought you in too soon, which is a little harsh. Carrie is upset and tells Tina she doesn’t feel like a priority, and by the way, Tina is her #1. Aw. Love that for Tina. And she takes an Uber to work because she’s big mad.

Sophie interviews the cute old lesbian couple, and they are cute and old. One of them was a mail carrier and she met the other one delivering mail. Hot. She also winks a lot. I want to wink at a girl so bad. Is winking a thing? Doesn’t anyone ever wink anymore? I like it.

One of them got fired from her teaching job for being a lesbian. Are we going to act like that doesn’t still happen?

Lesbian history is wonderful but also occasionally depressing to me because in the past 50 years, a lot of things haven’t changed. At least…for those of us who don’t live in LA.

Back at her apartment, Dani explains the situation with her dad to Gigi. Gigi teases her about how she can’t turn off her PR spin. She says Dani should have run for office instead of Bette Porter. An interesting point.

I just realized Dani isn’t working in politics anymore…was she interested in politics, or was she just interested in Bette Porter?

Dani also fills Gigi in on her Ohai rendezvous with Sophie, which sounds over, thank the heavens. Dani and Gigi share notes on their differing love life approaches. Dani idealizes her relationships and ignores the feeling that she’s not right for a person. Gigi tries to learn from whoever she’s with and then gets bored and ends up alone again. Gigi seems like she’s being a really good friend to Dani, but we see those eyes! She cannot take her eyes off Dani. She’s into her, for sure.

Do we like it???? I don’t know????

Feeling driven after Tess’s pep talk, Finley finds a girl at the bar to have sex with. Now? It’s the middle of the day!

Shane questions Tess’s advice to Finley to move on. Tess says Sophie has made herself clear. Shane says people and timing are complicated. Hmmm. Could they possibly be talking about more than just Finley and Sophie?

Micah’s therapy session with Angie’s family constituted a Worst. Day. Ever. He texts his crush Maribel and asks her to come over.

When she comes over, Micah starts panic-explaining that he needed her and he likes eating spicy fruit and vegan pizza. It’s a very cute and romantic speech but I don’t get to hear the rest of it because Maribel wheels right over and kisses Micah. 2.5 seconds later, he is carrying her upstairs for Sexy Time. Whoa! That was fast!

I am all for this storyline and Micah being bi/straight because, more women! Yay!

Alice invites Tom over to eat lobster that she was going to cook for Nat, who already has another girlfriend? Named Brenda? Unfortunately, Tom is deathly allergic to shellfish. Also, he’s a little worried about the lobster’s energy.

Angie and Jordi are having a cute date on Angie’s bed, except it gets less cute pretty fast because Angie’s going through something really dramatic and all of a sudden Jordi doesn’t seem to care. She’s texting while Angie is pouring her heart out and then she’s like, hey yeah, well I’m glad you fixed everything 🙂 Now we can focus on the fun stuff!

JORDI. Angie’s donor is DYING and she might be losing a KIDNEY.

Alice and Tom decide to free their would-be dinner in the ocean, except they forget to take the rubber bands off the claws so I’m pretty sure they just sentenced the lobsters to die in the cold salty water…which I suppose is an improvement on boiling hot water.

Tom thinks Nat is crazy for letting Alice go. Well duh.

Dani and Gigi are still hanging out in Dani’s apartment, and Gigi is still giving Dani relationship advice. Suddenly Dani asks Gigi, are you hitting on me?

Oh my god, I love that. So direct. I can’t really picture Dani dating outside of Sophie but I guess it makes sense for her to be kind of awkward like this.

Gigi says she doesn’t think she’s hitting on Dani, but she likes Dani’s energy. Oooooh. Nice save. Me too.

Bette texts Gigi to see if she wants to come over, and Gigi texts back that she does not. Good call. Bette needs to behave and stop treating Gigi like a booty call because Gigi is HOT and FUNNY and asdfghjkl

Cherie is playing poker at Shane’s table at Dana’s because of course she is. She reaches under the table to put her hand on Shane’s lap because of course she does. Ok, would Shane still have feelings for Cherie? The intensely inappropriate power dynamic / age gap is gone but there was a time when Shane was willing to risk it all for Cherie. Tess catches this and retreats to the back room, but Cherie follows her and throws her down on the couch and starts going to town. I hope someone is cleaning this couch.

Micah and Maribel are making hot sexy love. Maribel is worried that Micah won’t remember how to um…down there…but from the looks of things, he’s managing nicely.

Bette and Tina tell Angie she has their go ahead to meet her donor. Oh thank god.

Sophie brings home sushi for Finley and is greeted by the sounds of Finley on what I can only imagine is hour 7 of lesbian sex with a random girl from the bar. Finley is getting it on with the DOOR OPEN because she is wild and cannot be tamed. That makes 4 people currently having sex in this household. Sophie crawls in bed and screams.

Aaaaand the episode ends with Cherie showing up at Shane’s bar after hours. She dropped Tess off and she’s back now? Danger. Danger!!!!