Episode 4 – L.A. Times Recap

Guess what? I went on a DATE this weekend! This girl gave me her number at an event, which doesn’t happen often. She even wrote it on a piece of paper and handed it to me and walked away. It was so 2005. I swooned. 

The date went amazing, until I found out that she was…uh…a little younger than I expected. Not young enough to make anything illegal or objectively creepy, but still…I don’t think I can handle it. Damn it. I should just give up and get a cat already.

But in other news, my lesbian heart will survive the seasonal blues because The L Word is still rockin’. I woke up to two text messages asking me if I’d written the recap yet. Everyone’s pretty stoked about this episode. It was JUICY…so let’s get cracking.

Opening scene. Bette’s in bed with Felicity! OooOOooo!! Felicity is (still?) married to Mr. You-Fucked-My-Wife, and still (I think?) working under Bette, which means Bette is totally NOT supposed to sleep with her. Which of course makes the sex even hotter. 

Can I just say I’m mad that it took 4 episodes to get to a Bette sex scene? I live to see Bette getting back to action. Bette seems like she tops from the bottom. Like she could just barely touch your neck and still manage to communicate to you exactly what she wants you to do. And if you weren’t doing things to her, she’d be doing things to you and you’d be loving every fucking second of it. Because Bette is one of those women who always knows what she’s doing. 

Felicity: Tell me what you want
Bette: Another fruit bowl would be nice, thanks.

Finley and Ye High Priest are in bed, canoodling. 

Finley: Haha, who’s going to be at your party tonight? A couple priests and a rabbi? 😉
Priest: Yes, exactly. 

The Priestess seems a bit fed up with Finley’s pulpit jokes. She looks Finley in the eyes and says, are you going to be able to get over this?

At this exact second, my brain screams, NO!!!

I’m glad Finley doesn’t answer. For all of her quirks, Finley seems like a fairly honest person. I think finding out that the girl you’re sleeping with is a priest merits at least a year of freaking out. Maybe even a lifetime. Honestly, I would probably not be able to go there, period. At least Finley is giving it a shot and trying to stay open-minded. 

Priest: I’m starting to have feelings for you.
Finley: Gotta go answer (not my) door, sorry!

We FINALLY get a glimpse of Quiara in Shane’s birthday sex dream. Shane wakes up to no birthday text from wifey. 

Finley bursts into Shane’s bedroom, all, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Shane: Why are you so loud?
Finley: Can I have your summer sausage?

Finley heads for the door and Shane thanks her, which I think is really sweet. What is she thanking her…for, exactly? Whatever, we’ll think about that later. The Finley-Shane dynamic is mad cute to me. I want more.

Finley: Dude, bro, you’re my bro, dude.
Shane: Yeah.

Sophie and Dani wake up together. More sexy hot lovemaking? Nope. Dani is going for a run. This is weird scene #63 with Sophie and Dani. Tell me why Sophie acts so surprised that Dani is going for a run in the morning. Dani runs in the morning. She and Sophie live together. Isn’t this something Sophie should know by now? 

Finley drops by for some OJ to wash down that salty summer sausage, but upon finding there isn’s any in the fridge, settles for almond milk instead. Are we ever going to find out why Finley can’t afford to buy food? I mean, she has a job, right? 

Shane roasts Alice for being dressed like an Easter peep, which is surprising. Hello, Shane, Alice has been dressed like an Easter peep since the beginning of the season. Where have you been? 

I’d want her in my basket. 

Alice: What do you want to do for your birthday?
Shane: Something small. Just the 3 of us. 
Alice: Oh, yeah, for sure! 😉

We all know this isn’t going to happen, which is too bad, because we all love scenes with the original cast. Their friendship chemistry is better than ever, plus the appearance of the 3 OG queens takes us back to simpler times. Times with less-polished makeup, less flattering camera angles, and questionable soundtrack playlists, to be sure. But good times all the same. 

Speaking of sweet moments, Shane takes Alice and Bette to her new bar to reveal the new name: Dana’s. Awwww!!! This scene is super sweet. 

Did you cry when Dana died? I cried when Dana died.

Shane strolls into work where we catch a glimpse of another butch lesbian?! A new side character?! Nope, she’s unloading crates of beer. Okay, well. It’s better than nothing. 

Lena is all over Shane and based on the look on Tess’s face, I’m guessing she and Lena woke up together this morning. Even if Lena and Tess are actually over– which I’m guessing they’re not, since you can’t trust a girl for an honest summary of her relationship status when her pants are nearly off– her overt flirtiness is obviously disrespectful. I mean, come on, girl! Get your act together! See, this is another reason why Lena and Shane won’t work out. Shane wouldn’t want to be dragged into some messy, make-my-ex-jealous situation. No way. 

Bette accidentally brings Felicity’s phone to work, and Dani catches a glimpse of Felicity’s screensaver: a picture of she and her husband smiling. Ick. Busted. 

Dani: You know…Sophie and I accidentally took each other’s laptops to work one day, do you think something like that might have happened?

Subtle. 

Dani: Do you think it’s possible that Felicity has your phone?

Oo. Not so subtle. 

Alice is being photographed in her shiny office and Nat came along to work for the interview. The munchkins are running around. Eli terrorizes the office kitchen and eats all the seaweed and Nat’s like, Oh my god! I’m so embarrassed!

Wow. When I was six, low-calorie vegetable snacks were not my binge food of choice. But, you know, I wasn’t raised by lesbian moms in LA. Too bad. 

Guess who else came to work today? Gigi! That’s right, baby! God, she’s so sexy. She waltzes in with extra clothes for Alice. There’s a lot of smiling and eye contact in this scene as Gigi hands Alice her back-up yellow shirt. 

Alice: You really like my shirt?? 🙂 🙂 Shane told me I looked like a peep.
Gigi: Sure! I’d peep your basket, if you know what I mean 😉

This scene doesn’t really transcend average lesbian levels of weirdness UNTIL Gigi slides off with the munchkins and clasps Alice’s hand for a solid 5 seconds in parting. There’s some prolonged eye contact and a flirty smile as Alice squeezes Gigi’s hand goodbye. 

OH. It’s going DOWN. They’re going to SMASH, for sure. 
Reporter: How do you and Alice maintain a healthy work-life balance? 🙂
Nat: Oh, we don’t. 

Whatever. Work-life balance is overrated. Everyone wants to have their cake and eat it too. You want to date someone rich and smart and successful but get mad when they spend all their time working. You want to date someone with a body but get mad when they slip out in the morning to go running. PEOPLE WANT TOO MUCH. 

That’s why my dream woman is a couch potato with no ambition. She’s out there, somewhere. I just need to find her. 

Dani hops in the car with Felicity to retrieve Bette’s phone. And then they make out. Just kidding. How wild would that be? 

Dani pretty much bitches Felicity out for fucking her boss and putting her campaign at risk. I think Dani is going about this the wrong way. Felicity and Bette are obviously not going to stop fucking at this point, they just need to be more subtle. I mean, we’ve had presidents who have managed to cover up rape allegations and involvement in international sex-trafficking rings. In the grand scheme of things, a mayor sleeping with a married woman really isn’t that crazy. It can be hard to hide, sure, but that’s part of Dani’s job! That’s what she’s there for! 

Instead of lecturing Bette on her bedroom habits, Dani should be coaching Bette on the art of subtlety. Meeting your side chick in a public park? Not subtle. Inviting your side chick to a hotel where all your coworkers are staying? Also not subtle. 

Annoying White Guy keeps trying to fist bump everyone at the office. Alice is like, yeah, we don’t do that here. What’s up with all the fist bumping? What’s next, finger guns? I’m getting bisexual vibes from him. 

He wants Alice to interview Bette’s competition and recreate the tone of her Bette interview. I’m confused. Didn’t the network bring him in because they were concerned about how her interview with Bette Porter would affect ratings? And now he’s trying to get her to do the same thing? Wack. I liked the Lena Waithe idea better. 

Sophie is rad and sarcastic and supportive in this scene. She’s like, don’t listen to him, Alice! It’s your name. Your show.

YAS, ALIPS. IT’S YOUR SHOW. 

This is part of the reason why I love The L Word so much. I have a hard time imagining a real-life workplace that’s not only women-run, but is also a space in which queer women collaborate and support each other. I think one of the challenges that queer women specifically face as a minority group is that we’re so pitted against each other. I wish I had more lesbian friends. When it comes to real-life dykes, I’ll be honest, unless we’re fucking I always feel like there’s this weird unnecessary competitive energy. I have one lesbian co-worker and we have so much in common! We should be friends! But instead she talks shit about me and says passive-aggressive things about my outfits. So yeah, I don’t think we’ll be ganging up to fight the workplace patriarchy any time soon. 

Dani gallops into Bette’s office to chew her out for sleeping with Felicity. She definitely is not using her inside voice. 

Dani: Sleeping with Felicity is immoral!
Bette: You literally just got done running PR at a company that deals opiates.

Dani comes off way too strong in this scene. She’s right to be pissed about Felicity, but she throws too much at Bette all at once. She guilt-trips Bette by bringing up all the energy she’s put into her job and the sacrifices she’s made- the relationship with her father, the time she’s missed with Sophie…damn. Up until now, I’ve really been digging the dynamic between Bette and Dani. I feel like they work together so well because they’re both on the same page with communication. But in this scene, Dani comes off a little strong with the emotionalism. I feel like she’s got some learning to do. When dealing with someone like Bette, you can’t be so emotional. Bette probably doesn’t respond well to employees complaining about their work-life balance. Is this job too much for you? Then work somewhere else. I feel like that’s something Bette would say. 

Bette: Chill, dude.
Dani: Ever since I met you, I can feel things!

Bette finally reveals that Kit died from a heroine overdose, which motivated her to run for office. Felicity helped her through her grief, which is why she has such a hard time leaving the relationship behind. 

Huh. I wonder why Felicity is still married? She told Dani in the car that she loves Bette. If that’s the case, shouldn’t her marriage be in trouble, at least? 

Alice interviews Jeff Milner, Bette’s competition. Bah humbug. No one wants to hear about Jeff’s pony!

Alice: So, tell me about your pony. 
Jeff: I love Harriet Tubman!

Oh, brother. Alice makes Jeff Boy sweat by bringing up feminism. Yassss!!! 

It’s weird how hesitant men are to identify as feminists. The word “feminism”, at its base, literally just means the advocacy of equality between the sexes. Why does the word piss men off so much? Why do I get the feeling that the f-word is on par with, like, menstrual blood? 

Dani jumps in the bathtub with Sophie, and we finally learn a tidbit about how the couple met. They met at Akbar (a bar?) and Sophie had a girlfriend at the time! Then Sophie was like, bye! to her ex and she’s been with Dani ever since. Dani is still worried that this is a red flag. Is it? Maybe. Sophie gives her her Grandma’s ring and tells Dani she will NEVER leave her. Then King Princess’s If You Think it’s Love starts playing and they start kissing and I’m not crying! You’re crying! Gah!

What do you think of Dani and Sophie’s relationship? I just want to go one episode without being pissed off by yet another case of the two acting like they met on tinder two weekends ago and they don’t really know each other. Also, I think if Sophie gets super upset about Dani working too much, she’s in for a lifetime of disappointment. 

But what do I know about love? I’ve never made out with my girlfriend in the bathtub of our two-story LA house with King Princess softly playing in the background. I hate my life.

Bette and Shane are pre-gaming at Shane’s place. Or…Bette is wearing an apron, which makes me think there’s cooking, but I see no food. Shane is smoking pot and Bette is like, gimme some of dat!

Then of course, they start acting dumb and giggly because that’s what happens any time characters smoke pot on screen in literally any series. Pot is legal in so many states now that I think this TV trope should really be retired. Surely everyone knows that people do not act this way when they’re high. 

Bette: Did you ever think you would be spending your 40th birthday with a middle-age lesbian and no chance of sex?
Shane: I didn’t know you were a lesbian. You should have told me. 

Yeah, Bette. I didn’t know you were middle age. You should have told me. 

Stoned Bette lets it slip that she’s still sleeping with Felicity because the strong pot makes her cRaZayy. Shane lets it slip that she slept with Lena. Both are supportive of the other’s poor sexual choices. See? Again, these are the types of lesbian friends I need to find. I stay quiet about my bedroom activities because I hate being judged. When it comes to sex, I think people should just keep their opinions to themselves for the most part. We all risk it for the biscuit. Get over it. It’s part of life. 

Shane decides now is the time to sign those divorce papers. She says, I do love Quiara. I just don’t want to have kids. I don’t want to raise them while she’s on tour…

WHOA. This is a huge reveal. So Shane and Quiara broke up because Shane didn’t want kids?!?! Isn’t that the kind of thing you discuss before you get married?! I mean, damn. I thought for sure Quiara and Shane would have broken up because of Shane cheating. Which wouldn’t be the best thing, but I mean, when you marry someone like Shane, you have to know they’re going to cheat. This reveal tells me she and Shane are definitely not getting back together, right? I mean, that’s a deal breaker, for sure. 

Also, what is Quiara on tour for? Is she a pop star? Damn, I hope she’s a pop star. That would be cool. I hope she shows up again so we get to see Shane in lOoooOooovEeee, because we all lost hope after Carmen. 

But anyways, Shane signs the papers, and then she and Bette start giggling uncontrollably, because you know, when you’re high, you think everything’s really funny. You know what else happens when you’re high? You get really hungry. That’s why Shane and Bette pass up the fresh-made steak sitting on the table and grab three pieces of asparagus each on their way out the door. 

Three pieces of Asparagus is a full-course meal in LA. Never eat four. You don’t want to get fat, now. 

Shane and Bette head over to Dana’s for the “little get together” that actually turned out to be a room that Alice filled with people that Shane doesn’t know. 

Dani and Sophie traipse about showing off their new rings. Dani had to get Sophie’s resized, because I guess she DIDN’T KNOW SOPHIE’S SIZE when she proposed. Is that normal? I feel like that’s not normal. 

You know when you’re at a party, finally spending quality time with your fiance, and then you spot your boss? What do you do? If you’re Dani, you make a beeline straight for the boss lady! It’s fine, she’s probably just going to say hey, right? Or bring her a strawberry mojito? A slice of “You’re looking very Shane today” cake?

Nope! Dani goes right for the, did you make a decision? Oh. My. God. Is she talking about Felicity? Dani! No!! Did your Daddy teach you nothing? Never talk shop at a place where people are doing tequila shots!

Finley: I wish Rebecca were here.
Sophie: Did you tell her how you feel?
Finley: I sent her a bunch of emojis.
Sophie: You stupid. 

Sophie is so judgmental. We don’t even know what kind of emojis Finley sent. Were they heart-eye emojis? Double bride emojis? Eggplant emojis? 😉 For all we know, Finley is a master at the artful emoji sext. 

Finley says Sophie is a good friend, then slaps Sophie’s face. Interesting. I don’t slap my friends. I don’t slap anyone…unless they ask for it. 

Maybe I would slap Sophie. She seemed like she liked it. 

Micah is chilling on the dance floor, not-dancing with his grindr hookup, Hassan. Interesting. Did things with Hassan go well? I didn’t feel like things with Hassan went well. Jose shows up. Yess!! We like Jose! Except, Jose bailed on Micah on their last date and NEVER EXPLAINED what happened. Hassan thinks Jose is hot. Huh. Hassan kind of looks like Jose. Jose just stares at Micah and smiles and says almost nothing, because that’s the kind of behavior you can get away with when you’re super hot. 

Micah: Who invited you?
Jose: 🙂

Alice and Nat are sipping drinks and Alice is still salty about Nat telling the reporter that they don’t have a good work-life balance. Then they start talking about Gigi and smiling, because they’re both fully in love with Gigi at this point. Is that weird? 

Gigi shows up and starts pouring drinks. Nope, it’s not weird. It’s definitely not weird. GIGI. IS. SO. FUCKIN’. HOT. Okay, I’m done, I’m done.

Shane and Bette appear to offer Alice a surprise present: a framed copy of the soon-to-be-released headline starring Alice!
Well, starring Alice and Nat. And Gigi. 

Gigi: Why am I in this picture?
Nat: I look terrible.
Shane: What are you talking about? It’s the Church of Latter Day Saints!

Whoa. Was that a Mormon joke? Yep, that was definitely a Mormon joke. See, I’m not crazy about that. 

Finley shows up at Rebecca’s home, shitfaced. To declare her undying love! To tell Rebecca how she feels! To tell Rebecca…that she’s not a real priest? 
Jesus, Finley.
You can’t just tell priests that they’re not real priests. That’s not cool! Who knows how long Rebecca spent in…priest school? Learning…priest things? Rebecca tells Finley to leave. Probably a good call. It’s probably not easy to reason with a drunk person who is convinced they fudged Jesus. 

Back to the party. Micah and Hassan are dancing. Jose is staring at Micah and biting his lip. Okay, yeah, it’s getting a little weird. There’s a butch lesbian in the background! Yes! That’s two butches in one episode! Neither of them have lines, but again. One step at a time. 

Hassan: How do you know Dani?
Micah: I dated her in college. 

YooooOOOoooooOOO!!! That’s crazy, yo! Dani and Micah? I never would have guessed. And now they live together, because of course they do. 

Dani and Sophie are fuego on the dancefloor and this scene understandably seems to revolve around Dani’s sideboob. People have probably written sonnets about Dani’s sideboob. Imagine waking up to that sideboob every day for the rest of your life. Damn. Sophie has it made. 

Tess confronts Lena about having recently joined the Shane Fan Club. Blah blah blah. I space out during this dialogue, because I don’t care. Just break up already. If Shane wants to fuck your girlfriend, Shane’s going to fuck your girlfriend. That’s just how it is. 

Speaking of people wanting to fuck your girlfriend, you know what I admire about Alice? She’s a pioneer of innovative solutions. Gigi definitely wants to fuck Alice’s girlfriend, and you know what my mom always said? If you can’t beat ‘em…join em. 

I don’t think this age-old wisdom was ever meant to apply to lesbian threesomes but WE. GET. ONE. ANYWAYS. And you know what? It’s fucking AWESOME.

I was not prepared for how hot this scene was going to be. Let’s see, we’ve got a lot going on.

Alice loooves Nat. 
Nat loooves Alice.
Nat used to looove Gigi.
Gigi loooves Nat. 

I thought for sure someone was going to leave crying. But nope! They lock the door and Alice heads straight for Gigi. An excellent move. I’m pretty stoked to see how Nat will react to seeing her girlfriend’s tongue down her ex-wife’s throat. She takes it like a champ. She starts making out with Gigi next, then she kisses Alice. Who is Gigi going to go for first? Yep, she goes for Alice. She shoots…she scores…she grabs Alice by the back of the neck and pulls her away from Nat just enough to kiss Alice again. 

Gigi: Suck on my fingers, I’m fucking your lady

I’m trying to pick a favorite moment in this debauched sex tryst. Is it the part where Alice throws Gigi down on the table? Is it the part where Gigi and Nat make eye contact while Alice is draped back against Gigi being fucked by (presumably) both of them? Is it the part when Nat fingers herself on the table while Alice is fucking Gigi? HARD TO DECIDE. 

I seriously doubt we’re going to get one of these scenes again. I mean, the three of them couldn’t possibly have an ongoing sexual relationship, could they? Regardless, I’m interested to see how this hookup affects the three’s relationship dynamic. Nat and Gigi obviously still have feelings for each other, but Nat probably never forgave Gigi for cheating and tearing apart their family, so Nat has the upper hand in that relationship. Alice is a good go-between. Alice and Nat seem kind of balanced, like they get along great but they’re both too laid-back, which is why Alice is like, hey, fuck your ex! I just want you to be happy! And then Alice and Gigi are obviously an odd pairing due to the fact that they’re eskimo sisters, which is exactly why the two of them probably have the most interesting chemistry at this point. 

I just hope this works out for the better or whatever??? I mean, it’s nice to see the three getting along since Nat and Gigi have to raise kids together and Alice and Nat seem fairly happy. 

So the orgy ends, our trio get back on the dance floor (are they going to dance together? or…???)

…and our episode ends with Shane’s EX-WIFE showing up out of NOWHERE and smiling in her sequin dress like this isn’t SO WEIRD and we have to wait until NEXT WEEK to find out WHY and I CAN’T DEAL WITH IT. 

Comment things! See you next week!