Episode 10 – Last Call Recap

Season 2 is over. And it shows because I’m too tired to write an intro. I’ve run out of things to say. Um…this show is hilarious. It’s the best part of my week. I’m sorry I’m so mean and roast every aspect of it constantly.

Truth be told, this show and its mildly insane characters have my whole heart!!! And I’m die hard for season 3!!!

Let’s talk about the season finale.

Tess, Shane, Alice, and Micah are gathered round to stage an intervention for Finley. Alice brought ham.

Finley busts into her love nest to announce that she got bit today. Not by a kid…by a parent! I find this totally plausible and have zero follow-up questions. And who would be waiting in her home but her lovely girlfriend, all of her friends, and a ham (thanks to Alice!)

Is there a German word for a surprise party with bad vibes?

There is not. But I did google it to make sure. And then I listened to this and laughed like 3 times.

Alice tells Finley she’s like a puppy that bites you but you still love it. I thought she was a kitten on a highway? Get the story straight, Alice!

Trying to make me go to rehab but I say whoa whoa whoa

The gang wants Finley to go to rehab. Rehab has a pool, an ocean view, and a private chef who is a Top Chef finalist. Finley doesn’t want to go to rehab, but I do! This rehab sounds better than my last vacation. Ah, to have rich friends that spend their money on you. That only happens on TV, right?

Finley points out that she is the only character on this show that acts like someone in their twenties. Her friends point out that she’s shown a lot of signs of having a serious alcohol addiction in the last two episodes.

Bop doo bee doop. Will Finley go to rehab? Probably!

Bette and Pippa wake up in bed together looking radiant. Bette invites Pippa to the going away party that Alice is throwing herself. Alice is throwing a going away party for herself before her 12-week book tour? Aw, that’s adorable. Bette leaves bed to softly talk to Tina on the phone as Pippa rolls her eyes and buttons up her flannel.

Pippa realizes Tina’s going to be at the party so she decides she’s out. She thinks there’s a vibe with Bette and Tina and it makes her uncomfy.

This is relatable content. Lesbians and their exes, man.

I’m not sure if Pippa is being smart or dumb here.

a)  don’t go to the party and leave your girlfriend unattended with her baby mama
b) go to the party and watch your girlfriend stare at her baby mama

Eh. There’s no good option. Sorry, Pippa.

Angie is planning some sort of trip with Jordi that involves matching dresses and a (potentially) shared hotel room.

Jordi, who is constantly begging Angie to act like everything is fine when it isn’t, is super freaked out by Angie acting like everything is fine when it isn’t.

Is it weird that I’m staring at the lamp? I want that lamp.

Angie gets a text from Kayla, who wants to meet up. Jordi asks her if she wants to go to Marcus’s funeral. She says no. Poor Angie.

Dani and Gigi are taking their new relationship slowly. Today? Accompany Dani to the most dramatic day of her life. Tomorrow? Meet the parents!

Dani is getting ready to testify for her dad in court. She says she’s fine, she’s great, everything will be fine…Gigi’s not so sure.

Gigi’s meet-the-parents pep talk is hilarious. If they ask you if we’ve slept together, lie. Dani says, they’re not going to ask that! OMG I hope they do. How funny would that be?!

Personally, coming out to my parents was the end to all sex talks! I am a whore destined for hell! Such a relief.

Shane and Tess are naked wrestling in bed, which is very nice. Tess starts with, “Not to ruin the mood…” which means she’s about to ruin the mood. Finley! Tess wants to fire Finley. Mmmm, nothing like some naked wrestling to remind you that you need to fire Finley.

I’m assuming that they’re not actually firing Finley and that they’re just suspending her employment pending the rehabilitation program.

What is it with everyone on this show answering the phone during sex?

I love Shane’s line, who keeps their ringer on? I wonder if that was a Kate Moennig line.

Cuz yeah, who keeps their ringer on?

Anyways, Tess’s mom needs her and btw, Tess should probably move to Vegas. Did I call it or did I call it? I told you these two would be U-hauling by the weekend.

WTF is happening right now?

Alice offers Sophie her soon-to-be-empty house so she can move away from Finley. Sophie’s like…why would I move away from Finley? I’ve never been part of an intervention before so I couldn’t tell ya if they’re doing this right but I appreciate the spirit.

Tom is very excited about his elbow feature in a magazine, which is wholesome. He plans to take Alice on a romantic swan boat excursion later so that she will stop checking her phone for negative book reviews. But it’s too late, because Tom checks her phone and makes a face.

like this: >:(

Alice got a negative review in the New York Times, which is embarrassing, but also cool because it’s the New York Times.

Pippa blahblahblah

Bette fills Shane and Alice in on the Pippa/Tina drama while shopping for Tina’s wedding present. Can Shane and Alice believe that she thinks Bette’s not over Tina. Yes, yes they can. Getting under someone else has never helped Bette get over Tina. Maybe Bette’s the polyamorous one on the show.

Shane encourages Alice to open up about her feelings about the rejection she faced from the New York Times review, and Alice blames this strange behavior on Shane’s new relationship with Tess.

Shane asks Bette if she would take Tina back. Bette doesn’t answer. Then Shane tells Bette that if there was ever a time to win Tina back, now would be the time because Carrie is having cold feet.

Uhhhh I think the time would have been 10 or 12 years ago when you guys were both single and still actively raising a small child together but whateverrrr.

Later, Pippa.

In court, Dani makes the shocking discovery that her father knew opioids were addictive. I thought everyone knew opioids were addictive. It says so right on the bottle.

A lawyer steps out to say that Dani could get arrested if she doesn’t testify. Gigi asks her to be a fucking human and give Dani some time.

Drugs are bad! Lock that man up!

Sophie and Finley almost have a regular night featuring mac n’ cheese with peas (for added nutrition) but Sophie tastes booze on Finley’s mouth and remembers that Finley is a raging alcoholic who needs to go to rehab so she starts packing for her mom’s.

You got a fucking DUI!!! she screams as if it happened during a 7am grocery run and not on the way home from a party where they both got plastered. You pissed on my ex’s floor! she screams. Whelp. Truly no explanation for that one.

Angie meets up with Kayla and it turns out that Kayla had Marcus’s family answer the questions she dropped off at the hospital. Kayla gets a chance to talk about her dad, Angie gets a chance to learn about Marcus. It’s a win-win and hopefully Angie gets to keep Kayla in her life because aw.

Dani’s dad is in a mood. He tells her he gave her everything. She says she doesn’t want any of that. She just wants him…(in prison?)

She says she’s not sure if she can testify. She doesn’t know if he is innocent. When she questions him, he loses his cool for a moment and screams don’t fuck with me!.

Alice sent Tom a 10 pound bag of lobster gummies as an apology for ditching their swan boat date. 

Tom couldn’t resist coming to the party after Alice’s rude behavior cuz he just had to see her reaction to being on the bestseller list. Alice announces the news to the party and Tom gives Shane and Bette a cheeky high five. Shane tells Bette she’s never liked a guy more in her life. Really? Because I’m decidedly neutral.

Would this even be a party without an intense conversation that leads to a relationship turning point? Of course not.

Shane points out to Tess that the bar corner they are standing at is, in fact, the corner where they first met.

Did you like me right away?

You were screaming at me for fucking your girlfriend…so…uh…no.

Shane says she was enchanted by Tess when they first met. Okay, Mr. Smooth. That’s a word.

Shane tells Tess she doesn’t think she can move to Vegas. Tess leaves to cry. Shane follows her into the alley to say that she loves her. Tess says Jesus Fucking Christ! Lol. Tess also loves Shane. And still wants to move to Las Vegas immediately.

So you meet a girl in your city, fall in love, and still end up in an LDR anyways. I thought they were gonna u-haul but yeah, this is the next-gayest thing.

Bette has been left unattended at this party, so naturally she finds her ex immediately. Time to ask why Tina asked if she was still in love with her? She brings up the Alice and Shane conversation and we get a “If you did show up at my doorstep and wanted to try again…” but then Carrie shows up behind Bette with some axe killer energy. Carrie’s not a violent person, but I wish she was, because Bette’s face hasn’t been punched once in this entire series and that really doesn’t seem fair.

As for Bette asking about Tina asking about Bette being in love with her…ugh. It kind of made sense in the context of the last episode, because the conversation topic was Carrie. I mean it was a little wack of her to ask, but it didn’t seem like she was initiating a getting-back-together conversation. She was more like…chastising her ex for being a dick to her fiance. But in this scene, Tina is all wide eyes and surreptitious smiles. So like…what’s going on?

Carrie’s not having it. So much so that she breaks up with Tina. Right here, right now. I would too. Not because of the Bette thing, but because when Carrie says she’s sick and tired of trying to measure up to Bette, Tina says, No one expects you to measure up to her. Um…whoa!! Prolly shoulda gone with you’re so much better than her or you would never cheat on me with the carpenter after I miscarried our child.

I find it sexy when you walk into rooms and greet people instead of cussing people out on your bluetooth headset.

Pippa walks in on Tina screaming at Bette for ruining her marriage, so yeah! That was some inconvenient timing.

Finley is at a nightclub looking like absolute shit. Drunk girls are grabbing her face. She’s having happy Sophie flashbacks and violently eating a hamburger. Then she walks out of the nightclub and directly into traffic. She just stands in the street and plays chicken with an oncoming vehicle.

Finley doesn’t die! Cool. Not sure how that happened. She shows up at Sophie’s crying and agrees to go to rehab. Nice.

Rough day for Dani but it’s time to partay!! With Gigi’s entire family! Guess who didn’t meet the family? Bette. You know why? Because fuck Bette Porter!

Had any sex with my daughter lately?

Bette was supposed to go to the CAC opening, but she decides to sit this one out. Angie gives her a look and I wonder if Angie knows her mom’s a big playa.

But wait! Bette has a gift for Angie! IT’S A PAINTING FROM MARCUS. STOP IT I’M SOBBING.

Angie tells Bette to go to the opening because (aw) “we don’t know how much time we have left”.

Tom is scared of crashing airplanes and when he has to pee, he sings, I gotta pee! So quirky.

Alice takes Tom’s bathroom break as a chance to look through his stuff and what would she find but a wedding ring? Little mess of a situation there, she says as she stuffs the coat in the overhead bin. I’m glad we agree.

Tess kisses Shane’s back before leaving in the dead of night like a damn sociopath.

Sophie drops Finley off at rehab.

Dani is having a fine old time with Gigi’s parents until the cops show up to arrest her. But it seems like she was making a great impression before she was arrested.

Dani is very mad at her dad for breaking the law. She immediately assumed that he was in the wrong and deserved to be arrested. And here we are. Dani is getting arrested! Gigi goes full ACAB in the background. Respect! But also, scary.

Bette’s gonna do it. She’s gonna meet the love of her life, Pippa Pascal, at the red carpet. They’ll be photographed together, make their public debut as a power couple, and best of all, this gesture will prove to Pippa that what happened at the party with Tina meant nothing!

Just kidding.

Knock, knock. Who’s there? Tina. Tina who? Tina who you broke up with 17 years ago.

What a perfect cliffhanger. It’s really impossible to tell if Tina was just fumbling her words with Bette (and Carrie!) at the party or if she really is having second (third? Fifth? Sixteenth?) thoughts about Bette. It’s really impossible to tell if Tina wants to talk about feelings or declare to Bette once and for all that she’s choosing Carrie. And of course, it’s impossible to tell whether Bette is going to let Tina come in to talk or say, move over shawty! I have a date with Pippa Pascal!

The end. Season 2 is over! I had a lot of fun writing these season 2 recaps and I hope they brought you some joy.