Episode 1 – Late to the Party Recap
Hello lesbians. It’s me! I’m back! And I sure am happy to be here. It’s been, what, a year? A year and a half? I missed talking to y’all.
Sophie is racing up the steps of some big fancy building. Oh my God…where is she? Is she in Hawaii? Missouri? Nope, nope, she’s in LA. And she’s rushing to meet…Dani. Damn it.
Does anyone else think it’s weird that Dani and Sophie are always arriving to events separately? Even in the season finale, why did Sophie roll up to the airport solo? I mean, I guess she had to work late, but couldn’t Dani have given her a ride to the airport? Dani didn’t even have a job at that point because she quit her job to work for Bette and then Bette lost the election. It’s kind of odd hopping in an uber to go get married when your unemployed fiance is presumably down the street just chillin.
So Dani and Sophie aren’t married yet. Thank God. There’s still time. Dani’s dad is giving a speech about Sophie and Dani. Who gave him the mic? Last I heard he was all, blah blah blah, Sophie’s not good enough for my fancy daughter. The speech is nice though. Good for him.
New theme song! Good! I like this one.
Shane is casually meeting up with Lena Waithe. Say what? I’m not sure who Lena (Eddie) is supposed to be in this show, but she doesn’t waste any time telling Shane that she’s Top Dyke around these parts. What are these parts, you may ask? Uh…I’m not really sure. An elite lesbian poker speakeasy? That sentence just feels wrong. The vending machine that opens like a door is a very nice touch.
Tess is poker girl. A hot girl walks up to the table and Shane is all wHaT is YoUR nAme?!?! Eddie knows her name. It’s Chloe.
I’m guessing this situation is going to end poorly for Shane.
Nat and Alice are stuck in LA traffic. Alice is wearing a stunning fluorescent green blazer. Nat is wearing…something. This show is very realistic, because a lot of the dialogue occurs between people stuck in LA traffic. It’s nice to keep things in perspective. Should I move to LA? Maybe. Is LA a lesbian paradise? Maybe. Is it worth the traffic? No. No, it is not.
The LA traffic in this scene just so happens to be the elementary school carpool lane. Naturally Nat suggests doing the dirty in the back seat. Whoa, what?! In the carpool lane?!
Alice climbs into the backseat and practically lands in Gigi’s lap, because Gigi saw Alice and Nat and hopped in the car. Because everyone can see Alice and Nat! Because again, they are IN THE CARPOOL LINE! Not a good scene for freaky time! Gigi is her usual charming and hilarious self. God, she really is the perfect woman. Minus the cheating.
ROSIE O’DONNELL?!?!?! TINA’S FIANCE IS ROSIE O’DONNELL?!?!?!?!
I did not see that one coming. Love it.
It’s family night at Mama B’s, featuring Angie, Tina, and Tina’s fiance Carrie (Rosie O’Donell!) This is gonna be good, I can tell.
I’m not sure who I pictured Tina with. I guess I pictured her with a man or a woman that’s kinda soft and submissive since Bette was so…not like that. I didn’t picture her with someone like Carrie, but I guess I don’t picture butch women on this show since the original L word acted like butch women don’t exist. I love it! I love the representation! And Carrie seems fun.
Bette does not agree. She hates the daylight out of Carrie and her Groupon pork buns. But Bette still wants to be making sweet love to Mama T. Stop it, Bette! You were a bad wife! Move along now!
I’ve seen the diehard TiBette stans on insta, but someone needs to explain it to me. I don’t get it. I think Tina is bland, Bette’s a player, and their shitty sex life never made any sense. They seem to make great co-parents, and we never got to see them simply function as a couple. So if there’s any TiBette drama in this season I will frankly be annoyed.
At dinner Angie announces that she would like to research her genetics, which totally makes sense. Mama T + B say no. Why?
LOVEEEEE Bette’s outfit in this scene, by the way. Like a baggy sweater and…kilt pants? So good.
Micah is still fucking Jose?!?!?! And Jose is still married?!?!?! Jose is all like, Micah, I need to give my marriage a chance. Okay boo that’s cool but if you’re having sneaky sex, are you really giving your marriage a chance? I’m over it. I hope Jose’s husband knows about Micah and they have an open relationship or something. Cuz otherwise this is just gross.
Alice offers Sophie a promotion to a producer role. Cool! She also had the wardrobe department make Sophie a custom suit for her wedding. That’s a sweet job perk. Also, there’s a wardrobe department? I guess that explains why Alice always looks so cool.
Alice and Sophie complain about their coffees made by Alice’s new male assistant. Alice misses Finley because Finley knew how to make her coffee. Well, yeah, A-lips. Lesbians are good at making coffee. Let a lesbian make your coffee.
Angie and Jordi are still together. Eep! Love them. Angie thinks Carrie is the best. She’s so sweet. I love her character and I love how emotionally well-adjusted she is. She’s just happy for her moms to find people who make them happy. I love that.
Bette, Shane and Alice are at The Planet. Yes! We need more scenes at The Planet! Or is Dana’s the new hangout? I don’t know, but they’re at The Planet. Bette is complaining about Carrie being all “jokey” and thinking “everything’s a joke”. Bette hates fun! And laughter! Her hobbies include being rich and successful and judging people! Especially people who use Groupons!
Bette says her ideal type is someone who has kids (?), isn’t married or straight, and has a career she’s passionate about. Alice and Shane are like uhhhh, Bette, I don’t think you need to be with someone who’s passionate about her career. HAHA TRUE. Bette’s a workaholic, I feel like she’d be happier with someone a little more chill.
Alice says she has an idea. IS IT GIGI?!?!?!?! OH MY GOD IS IT GIGI?!?!?! Okay, I kind of know it’s Gigi because Gigi and Bette were in the teaser. I stan.
Gigi is fun, which is perfect for Bette because Bette is not. Also Bette and Gigi are both cheaters, so maybe they can just cheat on each other and have a grand time. And most importantly, Bette and Gigi are both so hot. So hot.
Bette takes a high-power art job from a racist old guy. He grudgingly admits he needs more BIPOC artists. Not because he likes diversity, but because he recognizes that it’s trendy. Ew. Bette looks really great in her trench-coat thingy. Her new office is SWANKY. Like, swanky-swanky. Is art work really this glamorous? I need to know.
Alice is publishing a book. I’m not sure what it’s about. Her cervix? Her bladder issues? Hard to follow. She called Finley and told her to get back on a plane to LA because she needs her coffee. And Finley said, okay!
And Sophie said, NOOOOO!!!! FINLEY CAN’T COME BACK!!!! WE HAD SEGGS!!!!!!!
Whoa, Sophie. You can’t just go around telling everyone you and Finley had seggs. Especially not Alice. Alice does not have a history of keeping hookups on the low. She is the literal worst person to tell. Remember how Alice built her career? BY EXPOSING PEOPLE’S SEX LIVES.
Remember this?!?! Remember The Chart?!?! I’m so relieved my city doesn’t have The Chart, because no one needs to know. Sometimes, as a lesbian, you’ll be scrolling on social media and learn that a girl you dated is getting engaged to another girl you dated. No one needs to know. No one needs to know!
Anyways, we’re 30 minutes into season 2 episode 1. We’re back where we started. We’re at Dani and Sophie’s wedding rehearsal. But this time, we’re in Sophie’s mind! It’s a dark and scary place! Horror music is playing!
As Dani’s Dad welcomes Sophie into the family, Sophie is having flashbacks of Finley sex scenes. Micah confronts her right after the toast and demands that she tell Dani that she cheated. Whoa, how did he find out? Oh yeah, Sophie’s sister told him.
Sophie’s sister told him?! No one on this show can keep a secret.
Sophie marches up to Dani, ready to confess to the love of her life that she sexed up their amiga on a couch at work. But then Dani gets all sweet and sexy and starts offering to take Sophie to bars and fuck her in a bathroom stall. This does sound like fun, but I’m a little irked that she refers to this as a “bachelorette party”. That’s not a bachelorette party, Dani! That’s a date. When I get married, I’m gonna hoe it up at the bars with all my female friends because that’s tradition. You gotta respect tradition. You can go get shitfaced with your wife at a bar any night of the week. Isn’t that the point of getting married?
Back at Bette’s, Angie is pondering the genealogy box her girlfriend helped her sneaky buy at Target.
I really don’t get this. What do Angie’s parents worry about with Angie taking the genealogy test? I guess she could find her Dad, which she’s not supposed to until she’s 18? I guess I don’t really understand how genealogy tests work.
Mama B finds Angie in the kitchen and reiterates that the genealogy tests are off the table. Little does she know the test is on the table, in Angie’s backpack! Rebellious teens these days, taking genealogy tests!
Sidenote: In this scene Bette refers to Tina as “T”. Earlier at dinner, “T” referred to her and “B” as “your mom and I”. This is really helpful for my decade-long curiosity about whether or not “Mama T” and “Mama B” would stick.
Shane is exchanging flirty texts with Chloe from the swanky gay poker speakeasy.
Alice gets home to Nat on the couch. They talk about how excited they are at the prospect of Bette and Gigi hooking up tonight, because lesbians are adorable and weird. Then Nat invites her to watch SVU on her laptop on the couch. Alice starts making sex moves and then Nat is into it. And then all of a sudden, she’s…asleep.
Haha! We’ve all been there! We’ve all been there…right? Right?
Bette shows up to her blind date which turns out to be her friend Alice’s girlfriend’s ex. And, since Alice was in a throuple, also her friend Alice’s ex. Actually, since Alice is also technically Bette’s ex, we could just make it simple and say that Bette found herself on a date with her ex’s ex who is also her ex’s girlfriend’s ex. Are there any straight people reading this? It’s really not that weird.
Bette acts all weird and snobby on the date. Gigi asks great conversation questions like, “What’s your worst date?” Excellent choice.
Bette is not having it. Until, that is, Tina and Carrie show up at the bar and Gigi tells Carrie that scallops are for grown-ups. Sick burn, Gigi.
Suddenly, Bette is all over Gigi. The key to Bette’s heart is roasting her ex-wife’s good-natured fiance. The breeziness with which Gigi executes a passive aggressive comment leaves Bette breathless. They make out.
Okay, I skipped some parts, but that’s the gist of it.
That awkward moment when you’re on a date with your ex’s ex and your ex shows up.
Oh yeah, also, when Carrie and Tina are gossiping about Bette and her date over at their table, Carrie says Gigi is pretty in a common kind of way. A COMMON KIND OF WAY?!?! If Sepidah Moafi walked by and my girlfriend told me I was hotter than her, I’d tell her she don’t gotta lie like that.
Also, I love how intense Gigi is when she initiates kissing Bette. “Come here.” Damn! That’s direct! And then Bette whispers, you’re very naughty. That was…good. Yes. I approve. I am all for Bette and Gigi. TiBette who? It’s GiBette.
Tess and Shane are back at the swanky poker bar. Shane pays 10k at the door– whoa– and then Eddie lets her know there’s no game. She just invited Shane to let her know she’s not welcome back after she tried to take her wife. Chloe is her wife? Why didn’t she say so? And then Eddie makes it more confusing by saying, she can fuck who she wants. Can she? Because apparently she can’t fuck Shane!
Eddie: I can’t have you coming up in here trying to colonize our game night!
Shane: Can I have my $10,000.00 back though? No? That’s fair.
Hilarious. But I hope this doesn’t mean we don’t get more scenes in the lesbian poker bar, because it’s a whole vibe. And I hope this doesn’t mean no more scenes with Lena Waithe. Is Lena too busy being an ultra celesbian? Maybe. That’s fair.
Later we learn that Tess loses her swanky poker job as a result of Shane’s home wrecking. That’s too bad. It probably paid better than wedding catering.
Sophie is at a bar with Dani, and Dani says “You’re gonna look so cute pregnant!” Whoa, Sophie is getting pregnant? Did they actually discuss this, or did Dani just decide? I feel like Dani just decides things.
Does Sophie open up to Dani about cheating? Nope. But Dani opens up to Sophie. About having a sex dream about Bette Porter. Who, by the way, she had a crush on while she was working on the campaign.
Okay, I actually find it kind of sweet that Dani is opening up about this. She could probably have cheated on Sophie with Bette Porter if she tried, but she didn’t. Instead she was honest with Sophie, but she didn’t cheat. I respect it. I wonder if Dani is going to become more likable this season, because last season, she really pissed me off!
Dani: I would never cheat on you. Never. NEVVVERRRR.
Dani and Sophie head back home and do naked things. I thought they were gonna get freaky in the bathroom. This shows that Dani is bad at following through with her commitments. Kinda sus, if you ask me.
At the wedding, Bette is chatting with Alice and Nat, who want to know if Bette and Gigi did any fingering or anything. It’s inappropriate, but in a fun way. We’re all exes here!
Sophie pulls Alice aside to let her know that she will not be telling Dani about the cheating. But so many people already know! How is she going to pull this off?
Alice catches bae chatting with an attractive woman. Alice runs up to discover that Nat and Marissa’s topic points included Nat and Alice’s attempted throuple…oh yeah, and Marissa’s polyamorous relationship with her husband. Later Nat is running her fingers through her hair and trying to tell Alice about something Marissa said that was “kind of interesting”.
Whoa, is Nat into the polyamorous thing? I support it, but they already tried and it didn’t work out. Nat, don’t you remember when you did the whole You are my one and only speech to Alice on live television? You can’t bring in new girlfriends now. It’s too late.
I was kind of disappointed when the throuple didn’t work out, just because you never really see polyamorous relationships on TV. I would be fine with seeing a cute polyamorous relationship on the show. But not Alice and Nat! Because Nat already told Alice she was her one and only, and that was so sweet.
Okay okay the episode grand finale. This is good. This is good!!!!!
Sidenote: Maribel walking Sophie down the aisle? Cute!!!!!
Sophie’s red suit is adorable. I wouldn’t have expected red, but it looks fantastic.
I don’t know what I was expecting Dani to be wearing, but her wedding dress looks super traditional. She even has a little veil! Cute!
I could have wrecked your home if I wanted to.
Sophie’s bride couldn’t be more stunning,
but what about
the lesbian in a snapback and a t-shirt
who breaks in mid-ceremony to confess her love to Sophie?
a) Leave your bride at the altar in front of all your family and friends.
b) Tell your best friend who you kinda maybe have feelings for to hit the road because you had plans today and those plans included getting married within 2.5 minutes. Try to explain to your wife why your best friend confessed her love to you at the altar without letting it ruin your honeymoon.
c) Run far, far away and never come back?!
I would pick C.
I have no predictions for episode 2, but I cannot wait to see what happens.
Questions for my readers:
1. Do I have readers? Say hi!
2. Do y’all read these whole thing?
3 Is anyone here from instagram?
4. What are your thoughts on Sophie and Dani? GiBette?
Until next week! See you soon.