Dana-Lara
The Soup Chef's first go-around with Dana was cut short when Dana's manager told her a girlfriend wasn't good for her tennis-pro image. Break-ups that don't come from the heart rarely last -- which is why Lara was the girl in the getaway car for Dana after she broke up with Alice. Aside from dodging Alice's flirtation with psycho-stalkerdom, the pair enjoy activities like smoothie-drinking, expensive-car-buying, love-making and bath-taking and, I assume, brushing their very shiny and soft looking hair. Um...then Dana gets a little bitchy because she's about to die. Lara goes to Paris. When she returns, she's just as surprised as the rest of us that Dana is no longer checking her voice mail.

Alice-Uta - In an attempt to get over Dana, Alice signs up for bisexual speed dating at The Planet (as in "a planet totally unlike our own, where that would never happen") because the world is her bisexual oyster & she finds herself a pearl! Alice is a "total lesbian vampire freak" & Uta is a total lesbian vampire, so they're a match made in heaven--err, I mean, the underworld. Despite her concerns on becoming one of the undead, Alice submits to Uta's spell & has nine orgasms & the best sex of her life in Uta's dungeon -- I mean, room. Alice's inquiries into Uta's Vampiric associations are cut short because Dana is about to die & she has to go take care of that & make us all cry a lot & throw things at the television & wish that maybe Dana could also become un-dead & the three of them could all get naked and play with those fun leather toys that Uta had.


Lara-Alice

In one of the most interesting and complicated hook-ups to grace the L Word screen, Lara and Alice seek solace from grief in each other's bodies. They avoid talking about it and then come Season Four, Lara ships out, leaving Alice without a beautiful red-haired lovely-voiced outlet for her immeasurable pain.



Shane-Carmen - Because sometimes people get what they want, Season 3 finds a happily coupled Shane & Carmen, enjoying typical couple activities like hating on their roommates & pretending to be straight for homophobic family gatherings. Then, when a freshly divorced Cherie Jaffee saunters into Wax & demands a "haircut," the problems begin: Carmen does not approve of Shane touching Cherie's hair. Cherie does have nice hair. So does Carmen. Carmen tells Shane to act like she has a girlfriend, so Shane goes to Cheri's beach house & they share a fan-fuckin'-tastic sex scene for which words can do no justice. Carmen gets pissed. Dana is dying. Shane & Carmen make love like crying. Dana is dead. Shane asks Carmen to marry her because it's a TV show, so things don't have to make sense. Because usually the people don't get what they want, Sarah Shahi was leaving the show, Shane left her at the altar. Unlike Dana dying. That was different, Erin Daniels wasn't planning to leave the show.

Helena-Dylan - In Season 3, Helena goes through the Matrix & becomes New Helena. New Helena is just as hot as Rachel Shelly, but also compassionate & totally engaged & vulnerable & lustful & earnest & cute. She meets Dylan at a screening for Dylan's film, which Helena volunteers to fund. Dylan has a boyfriend, which is weird because she is gay. She is drawn to Helena like a moth to a British Bombshell (sorry, Season-4 in joke) & the two have a torrid TORRID affair. Then she videotapes Helena playing a sexual game, a game which involves pretending that Helena won't do anything for Dylan unless Dylan gives her sexual stuff. Then Dylan & The Evil Boyfriend try to sue Helena, & Peggy totally flies in & rocks the fuck out of that pre-mitigation hearing. Then she tells her daughter no more money for you. People will have to love you in t-shirts, just the way you are. Actually, I already do.

Tina-Bette - This season Jennifer Beals was preggers instead of Laurel. Laurel looks really hot in the first few eps, too. So that's why she suddenly becomes super interested in meditation & all this eastern spiritualism stuff, so she can wear caftans all the time. She's not working, either, but she's doing a passion project for an art gallery. These are some of the many things Tina & Bette fight about in Season 3. They like to yell while holding their baby, Angelica, who Tina is always talking about "nursing" when she isn't talking about how she has these feelings about men, or just being a douche bag in general. She meets a man beast named Henry, & they fuck, & we all wonder why on earth they hired this man to represent the species. He also has a Devil Child who makes Bette feel bad (and foreshadows the proceedings) when he asks her to take a photo of his "whole family," which includes Angelica, Tina, and Henry. Bette goes on a meditation retreat, Tina goes to the dark side. Dana dies. Bette wants sole custody -- when Tina finds out, obvs she wants sole custody. So Bette takes the baby to Mexico. That's sort of the kind of thing I would say as a joke? But it's actually not this time. They also don't have sex all season.

Kit-Angus
Angus falls in love with Kit at first sight, while he is walking down the street with Angelica singing "Hello, mister doggie, how glad to see you" "hello, angelica, so glad to see you," thus imprinting that stupid song into our brains for all of time. Luckily erasing the visions of Charles Dutton. He tells BETTY they are stealing Kit's groove. He wants Kit's groove because he wants to marry her because he's in love with her. But she says she is really old, and she has the menopause. Then she manages to get preggers. But she knows she don't want that baby, girrrrl! Hell no!


Jenny-Moira/Max - Jenny is back from the asylum & doing time in Skokie, dressing like Little House on the Barren Prairie & starting fights about how shitty her parents are. When she's not busy working on her book, which will get picked up & published later in the season, Jenny is at the local bar, dancing with her new girlfriend Moira, who takes flannel to a whole new level by cutting the sleeves off. Jenny finds out that Moira wants to be a boy. That reminds Jenny of the carnival so it makes her really hot 'n bothered. Then Billy hooks Moira up with some illegal testosterone pills & Moira becomes an asshole named Max. He is mean to Jenny a lot & almost breaks her Mac Book. He also plays around with a strap on and Billy Blakey..twice. Jenny tries to be supportive, & then she meets Claude at a ski resort during the Sharmen Non-Wedding '06, & they fuck and talk about fromage, while Max fondles his soul patch.