Episode 213 The GAP
The season is over and there will be millions of people out there wondering
about the fate of nearly everyone on the show. We will ponder such things as
Portard's last name, Dana and Alice's relationship status, the after effects
of a father lost, a career terminated, and Jenny's never ending path to
self-destruction, and lets not forget Shane and Carmen's next sexual
encounter. In these pivotal moments of recap I shall bring to life, and wrap
up the loose ends for you. I hope you don't cry to much at the end, because
you wont see a shred of L word for another 9 months. Tonight's show is
brought to you by the letter L.
Previously Blah, Blah, Blah. I wont waste your time on it since you probably
already know. If not, get ta readin' fool.
L.A. Present Coyote Fugly
Jenny on stage stripping rather violently. When she pulls off her clothes we
hear whipping noises. She teases pulling off her underpants next. Underneath
she has a bush so full you could nest a whole family of birds. Namely
cranes. Shave the nether region, please.
Oh. My. God. Stop the madness. Fire everyone. What happened to the
incredibly talented independent artists that they were showcasing. Oh well,
I guess they'll have to make due with the WB.
Outside Coyote Fugly
Shane smokes as she waits for Jenny. Jenny comes out to greet her. Shane
asks Flower why in the fuck she is doing this dancing thing. Jenny says it
is important because, when she is on stage she's in charge. It also helps
her to remember the shit that happened to her as a child. Jenny asks Shane
if she remembers what happened to her that makes it hard for her to trust
people as an adult. She says she probably does. She tells her she's lucky.
Shane asks her if she remembers what happened to her. She bullshits that she
does, then, she doesn't. Shane wants Jenny to be careful with herself. She
also wants her to come home with her. Jenny wants to take the bus, just be
safe, ok? Don't go into any alleys or anything.
Peabody Parking Garage @ Peabody General Hospital
B helps T out of the Saab. They yak some about the birthing tank. Out of
nowhere Hellena drives up in a silver
Aston Martin . She asks if she would mind if she talked to Tina real
quick. "Actually I do" says Bette. Everyone in favor say, Aye! I so hope
Bette throws down here, right now. On a side note, according to Peabody
standards Tina is pronounced Teener. They are both upset that Hellena is
stalking them. She claims James gave out Bette's schedule. Bette knows James
wouldn't do that. Hellena knows he wants to keep his job, though. Hellena
pushes, that her mother is in town, and she would like her to meet them for
lunch. I think Hellena is trying to be genuine but she is no match for
Bette. Teener tells her to ask one of her other girlfriends, heheh. "That
was uncalled for" Hellena says. Teener says "I'm Sorry". Hellena thinks this
walking and arguing thing is getting tedious, and Bette agrees. Hellena is
all, well then I will make sure that
Kevorkian takes good care of you in there. The wing of this particular
part of the hospital was funded by none other then the Peabody's.
Dana and her trainer, the foreign Candice Clone, box up the hill. She wants
40 Love to go harder. Dana thinks its ok if she is, just the tennis star who
is famous for being a lesbian, as opposed to being famous for, winning a
tournament. Al drives up in her
Mini Cooper and honks. She gets out, and hands Dana her boxing gloves,
which obviously she doesn't need. She blahs on about how Dana left this
morning without saying goodbye. Really this scene is all about making Alice
look crazy, which they will continue to do. Alice says she will see her at
the Planet, it will be about an hour. She wants a kiss for bringing her, her
gloves. More boxing. "She really loves me you know." Candice clone says Oh,
is that what that is?
Casa de Despair
Bette and Tina unpack the tank. Lesbians that they are, they cant put it
together. Tina says she knows a good carpenter who can. She quickly
apologizes for her throwback comment and they continue to converse. They
talk about how Kit has completely thrown herself into the memorial for their
father. Foxy Brown doesn't want TOES there because she might lose her
resolve. T tells B that she is having a home birth. Only, Bette doesn't get
it. "You mean in your apartment?" No! I mean in our home and I want to move
back in and I want to have her baby in our hooome, and she wants to have a
family with Bette. Ohhhh ok. Bette sits next to Tina and they sigh together.
No hugs, no kisses. Whatever.
Fancy Shmancy Restaurant
Hellena has come to her lunch with Motha. Mama Peabody wants her to come sit
down and stop being a petulant child. Mama has invited her grandchildren
along with Winnie Mann. Mama Peabody tells Hellena that she is not about to
lose her little lambys, so she has propositioned Winnie. She is going to
share a co-op in
Gramercy Park . "You've propositioned everyone else you might as well
proposition my X." "I love these little squirrelyquins, don't you ?" Says
Mama. Hellena will have a bloody Mary with an extra shot. The children shall
now be known as Squirrelyquin-Lamby thing's.
Casa de Despair
Bette looks through her pictures of Mel. She is comforted by Tina. Then we
get a slide show of Ossie Davis pictures. Some have been doctored to include
Ma Porter and little Bette. A whole six pictures.
We have merged into the memorial with another song named, Hallelujah. The
SoulPlanet is packed with peeps that are there for Bette and Kit. Everyone
is there. A choir sings, and we fade upon all the attendees. B & T, Kit and
David who are curiously close now, Carmen, Alice, Shane, Dana, and Jenny.
David eulogies for them. Afterwards, everyone hugs everyone else and cries.
Gloria Steinem is there. She knew Mel. He talked about her a lot. Dana
goes to the bar to greet Lara. They flirt... Lame. They note that "they are
not going to go there". Where? We will never know. Alice watches, all crazy
like. Again a scene completely dedicated to making Al look crazy, and show
that Dana still has feelings for the soup chef. When Dana is done flirting,
she swaggers over to Alice, and says hey how you doing? Alice asks Dana what
she thinks about moving in with her. It goes a little something like dis.
Al- I kind of feel like maybe we're...
Dane- Really, what are you serious?
Dane- Al, I don't know.
Al- You don't know? Are you having doubts about us?
Dane- No! OMG No! In fact the opposite. (WTF?) But, don't you think we are
moving to fast
Al- Do you want to see other people?
Dane- Alice where did you get that, from what I just said?
Al- uhkk ummm oook...
Bette thanks Franklin and Leo for coming. She wants to take the rest of the
week off and be back in on Monday. He basically says now's not the time. He
wants to keep Leo on at the CAC of Wickedness. Bette wonders "as my
co-equal?" Leo retreats like a mothaf*%$ coward. Franklin tells her that the
board wants to buy out her contract. Bette is like WHAT!? I paused the Tivo
when Bette was making the WTF face, and she looks like horseshit. I made it
go frame for frame and it was ultra-hilarious, the faces she makes are
classic, psycho. He adds that the settlement will give her a nice cushion to
sit on, until she figures out what to do next. Bette, says some of the
coolest shit ever. Here I will let you interpret.
Bette- I'll tell you what I'd like to do next. I'd like to murder somebody.
You maybe, or your friend, Hellena Peabody. Heheh.
Franklin- eh....uh, doh.
Bette- That's nice, that's a really nice f*%$ thing to do to somebody while
their father is dying. You're a class act Franklin. Buh Bye, forever.
A Betty chick asks Mark (in his 30sec of screen time) if he would like to
tape the "Gloria Project" tonight. Mark accepts for the free tickets. There
are actors out there that NEED jobs, and they are using Betty chicks to do
these scenes? Come on lets get some much needed scenery change going on
Lesbians of the Round Table
Flower, 40 Love, Eva Longoria 2.0, Yoda, Foxy Brown, dumbass Betty chicks
and Gloria Steinem talk about feminism. Kit says she is definitely a
feminist, but nay she has not slept with a woman. Gloria says naturally
lesbians are feminists. I'm not. I mean don't get me wrong, I want equal
rights but I make my own rules. She also states that woman usually hate men
because they live with one. Jenny says "Another big misconception is that if
you're a lesbian your automatically a feminist, whereas a lot of gay women
that I know are absolutely not feminists, right?" She looks directly at
Shane, and so does Carmen. Shane's all, what I dig chicks. Alice apologizes
for being forward, but she likes dick. Coming from someone in her position
where she listens to the heart not the anatomy. To which Dana tries to
cuddle to Alice, as if she gives a damn. Which honestly I hate Dana for not
being truthful with her about Lara. Move on Al.
Jenny arrives wearing a cubic zirconia encrusted headband. My guess is, it's
trying to keep her brain/mind from escaping. What's left of it. Shane and
Carmen park together in Shane's truck, that magically morphed into a
Rubicon with huge tires. Shane gets out and opens the door for Carmen.
She is flustered by the fact that someone is treating her like a girl.
Although, we knew who the man in this relationship was from the start. Shane
sticks out her arm for her to latch onto but, its only to laugh about. They
enter the building.
Everyone is at this event, including The Count, and
They canoodle and make out on the catwalk, yeah, they are doing their little
thing on the catwalk. They are to sexy for this show, too sexy for this
show. Blech. Hellena tells Leigh that she would look amaaaazing pregnant,
and that maybe they should get pregnant together. Leigh is flabbergasted,
and depressed that she is in this awful situation. She realizes now that,
she should heed the warnings of the masses and get away from this ungodly
woman. Bette approaches from stage right, and says "you really are the
f*%$#@ scourge of the universe, aren't you?" Bette asks if she ever cared
about Tina. Did she even stop to think that by having Bette fired, how it
would effect her? Hellena claims it's a misapprehension. Bette says
BULLSHIT! Mama Peabody enters from behind them, to offer her doting two
cents. "Well, Bette Porter." Mama asks who she is here with. She says
"actually I'm here with my partner, Teener." Mama says, hey wait a minute
isn't that your Teener or is that a popular name for lesbians. "Actually,
mummy it's the same Teener." Mama Peabody and Bette shoot the shit some
more, meanwhile, Leigh and Hellena just stand there. Carmen comes to let
Bette know Teener needs her help in the restroom.
Following a trail of womb water, Flashdance enters, and says "baby are you
ok?" Gaymo(m) thinks her water broke. So she calls Nurse Fodder, to ask what
to do. Tina moans and groans with labor pangs.
Carmen tells Kit that Tina's water broke. Kit acts all excited, like she's
the grandma or something. Then she says, well lets go, but David tells her
they probably have hours to go. So they will wait it out and go after the
show. Carmen congratulates her... then an announcer, announces the Ms.
Foundation's evening for women host, Gloria Steinem. She quotes "remember
when Emma Goldman said, "if there is no dancing at the revolution Im not
coming." Well if Gloria is there, I'm not coming. She has the personality of
a wet mop, but I'll listen. The audience woo's at Gloria's Speech. I hate
that I have to recap all this but, here it is...
"Well, tonight we have both. Thanks to Betty, thanks to Heart, and thanks to
all of you we have the revolution. And tonight we are gonna need it. Because
there's a guy in the White House who represents all those religious
extremists, that people came to this country to escape. But, that's because
there is a backlash against all the great social justice movements, and if
we hadn't had a front lash we wouldn't now, be having a backlash. So we keep
going, and do it more and better. We're not only going to vote, but, reform
the way we vote. We're going to contribute not only when we're asked, but
every time we pay our bills. We're not only going to change women to fit the
world, but the change the world to fit women. And we're going to become the
change we want to see in the world. So, first tonight then the world."
gets on stage and MC's. Rather nice, but interrupted when Shane whispers
real close into Carmen's ear, asking "do you think you might wanna come over
after this... for a little while?" Doo doo doo doo doo doo do, doo doo doo
do do doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo do, do da doh doh doh doh, dum
dum. Waiting for the answer aren't you? Well, so is Shane. More Poem. Carmen
stares at the side of Shane's head and then leans in to inform her that she
will in fact come over "for a little, bit." Schawing.
Jenny glares at the reciter of poem, as if she is speaking directly to her.
Uh, oh. Did you really think you'd make it through this episode without a
trip to the circus. Yeah, right! Its mime Jenny, falling off the trapeze
ledge. Then we go directly into the Betty set. Cut to Al asking Dane, what
she meant by them, moving to fast. She adds that, her and Tanya moved in
together, in like, 2 days. Which, I really love when writers find the
loopholes in each others writing, and bring it out so tastefully. I can't
believe you just said you like me. Here listen.
Dane- "Yeah that was part of the problem... I like this, I like you, I like
Al- You like, me?!?!?
Dane- Yeah, Im crazy about you, it's just the other day you freaked me out.
Al- I can't believe you just said, you like me. Freaked you out how? Where,
Dane- When I had dinner with Lara, the other night, it seemed like it made
you a little, you know, CRAZZZZYYYYYY.
What a great intro for the best girl band ever.
I love them, and there is nothing left to do tonight but to go, Crazy Crazy
on you. Jenny cries, during their set. Man why does everything have to be
Casa de Bambino
Tina is carrying on with the labor moans. Bette and Nurse Fodder, make her
get in the tank. Bette strips Gaymo of her robe.
Al- I just have to say you, made me feel terrible.
Dane- I'm sorry
Al- You just, made me feel bad.
Dane- I said I'm sorry... I was just telling you how I feel.
Al- It's not like it's your fault, but I'm turning into someone I can't
Dane- like your mother...
Al- F*%$ you.
Dane- I'm sorry, that wasn't even close to funny.
Al- Look, I didn't know I was turning into someone all needy, and smothery,
and co-dependent. I mean gross. I can't think of anything worse.
Dane- Maybe I shouldn't have said anything.
Al- No I'm glad you did. I mean, things have gotten super intense, super
fast. I have never felt this way, and it's making me act weird.
Dane- I think it's good.
Al- It's not if I get to attached to it. I feel like that guy with the
mouse, he loves the mouse so much...
Dane- Well, don't be Lenny, don't smother the mouse. Just let it breathe
Al- The worst thing is, I can't even call my best friend and talk to her
Dane- I know... sigh
Casa de Bambino
More groaning. Nurse Fodder asks Bette to stick her fingers, get this, into
Tina's poonannie and check if she can feel anything. Bette says yes. I say
eww. The babies head is right there.
Shane pours Carmen a glass of wine. What, no beer? Carmen says "Uh, Im gonna
go now. Ok bye." Shane's all, wha wait, a minute, I haven't even seduced you
yet. But just wait, cuzz she will. They hug, and Shane has missed the way
she smells. Mmmm Good. They make it as sexually charged as possible, then
they kiss. And imagine that, they're having relations pretty much
everywhere. And then the freakiest thing happens. I start hearing voices.
Shane and Carmen's voices back to back saying each others names in echo. I
thought there were ghosts or some shit.
Casa de Bambino
Nurse Fodder rolls Tina over with Bette, and there is meconium. The baby is
in distress so they have to go the General Hospital.
Shane is humping Carmen. They climax and... ah all is well. Shane finally
tells Carmen she loves her...awww.
The Short Bus
Jenny is just now leaving the Wiltern with her headband on. She walks to the
end and flashes of the you know what are going on. She sits next to some
little girl with pig tails and stares at her, smiling. She hugs her and
starts weeping. If I were that kid, I'd be running. We ride the bus with
Jenny as she reminisces about the old days some more.
Tina has a fever and things are getting intense.
Tina is in distress. She believes she failed both, Portard and Bette. She is
very emotional, and I don't even see her actually birth the baby. Bette
wants to cut the cord. They almost don't let her, but she does. Tina wants
to name the baby,
Angelica. Then she passes out. That morphine is some good shit. Angelica
reminds me, imminently, of the rug rats.
Jenny sits in the bathtub. Pouring water over her head. Flash to her getting
a razor blade out of a compact. Shane is on the phone with, most likely
Alice, outside the door. Carmen exits behind her. They hear crying and
shouts of pain in the bathroom. She enters to find Jenny on the floor
slicing through her thighs. Shane comforts her, and she balls her eyes out.
Yoda tells her they will get her help. Jenny says "I need help." Yeah we
know, its about time too. Shane covers her leg with a towel and tells her
that something good happened. Tina had her baby. Where the f*%$ is Carmen?
She just isn't in there at all. I guess she's waiting in the hall through
The whole gang is there to welcome little rugrat into the world. Except Tina
who is still in ICU. They pass the baby around like a football, including,
to Jenny. To which I say, holy shitballs, somebody help. Rugrat immediately
starts crying like any of us would. Jenny gives the baby to Shane, and then
to Kit. "You are gonna have a very, very interesting life. Because we are
some very, very interesting people." She hands the baby back to Bette. Bette
says "we're your family." Smiles all around.
YAY! I will miss you L. We will see you in 9. Peace!
Sorry its so late. i wanted to include all the good bits.
Comments? Praise? Criticism?