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:: L A N D  A H O Y ::
Ep. 210
By The Sci Fi Bard


So, here we are again - another fortnight, another recap!

After reading some of the comments in (strangely enough) the comment section on the homepage, I've decided to start this weeks' recap with a little glossary/reminder, for all those folks who basically don't know what the hell I'm talking about half the time! ;-)
Some abbreviations I often use are:

Btw = by the way
LOL = laugh out loud
LMAO = laughing my ass off
*weg* = wicked evil grin
*g* = grin

Several people also mentioned a wish for me to drop the nicknames for the characters.
Well, I'll DROP the nicknames, if Jenny STARTS acting like a sane, well-adjusted, grown-up woman who doesn't flounce around in clothes made from the skins of Muppets.
That sound fair to you guys?! Does to me, so there you go! ;-)

But in fairness, to help y'all along, here's a glossary of names I use often for the characters etc:

Shane & Jenny's place = Shennys
(Jenny and Shane live there, and it's a combination of their names and easier to say than "Shane and Jenny's place!")
Bette = Poor Bette
(cause she's having a rough time of it lately)
Mark = Camcorder Guy
(cause when he came into the show, he was recording EVERYTHING on his video camera)
Gomey (Mark's buddy) = Gormless Gomey, Gormless etc
(cause, quite simply, he's incredibly stupid and basically gormless)
Helena = Sugar Mommy
(cause she's always flashing her cash about, buying people's affections with expensive gifts and money etc)
Carmen = Hot Carmen, The Hotness That Is Carmen etc
(if you need this one explaining you are either blind, or stupid....)
Shane = Sex-On-Legs
(if you need this one explaining you are either blind, or stupid....)
Veronica Bloom = Crazy Bitch Producer
(because the woman, played by Camryn Manheim IS a crazy bitch and she's also a film producer)
Tonya = CAT KILLER!
(cause, you and I both know, Mr Piddles didn't simply die after a massive fur ball incident!!!)


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

~FADE UP ON~

<PREVIOUSLY ON THE L WORD.....>

*cue montage of: Bette/Tina lookin at the itty bitty baby sonogram
Bette/Tina kissing
Helena showing Tina the Donald Trump of nurseries
Benjamin NOT turning up for his date with Kit
Alice about to consume Dana after she shows her how to model the latest line in 'adult bedroom toys'
Sleazy Guy berating Mark for not giving him the sex flix he promised
Jenny finding the Shane/Carmen love confessions tape
Jenny PLAYING the Shane/Carmen love confessions tape

~FADE UP ON~

A loud ship's horn.
OOOOH I feel a nautical theme coming on!
AVAST YE LANDLUBBERS! SPLICE THE MAINBRACE!
RAISE THE LESBIAN SAILS AND DYKES AWAY!

*weg*

A cello plays a haunting, beautiful lament. Well, at least it doesn't seem to be the usual Variations On A L Word Theme staple we've come to expect over this season.

Turns out the cello is being played on a cruise ship out at sea, to the backdrop of a beautiful sunset by a striking woman who has cleavage enough to MOOR a cruise ship in! (And I thought MY 40E fun bags were big! Yowsers!)

She plays on (dammit, I'm sure I have seen her before somewhere and I just can't think where! GRRR!) and the assembled female audience on deck are enthralled. As too, am I :-)  The music reminds me faintly of the cello pieces from the wonderful film, When Night Is Falling. If you've ever seen that movie, you'll know the magical spell the cello weaves with it's song in it.

We see a couple sitting next to a solitary lady who is transfixed by the cellist. One of the women asks Solitary Lady,

"Miss Sparkle, I think I've only had 3 classes of orgasms - how do I get to the 6th or 7th?"

Er, call me simple, but, isn't it usual with a stranger to simply say "HI! How are ya?" as an introduction? :-/ lol!
And I briefly wonder what she means by "only had 3 classes of orgasm..." Exqueese me! CAN you TAKE classes in orgasms? Let's face it folks, Orgasms 101 would be a VERRRRRRY popular class in high school ;-) ;-) *weg*

Miss Sparkle then answers by telling her she should experiment and try different partners etc. Ohhhhhh, I see..... she meant 3 different TYPES of orgasm. Fair enough! (I'm STILL writing off to the nearest university, asking if they DO do Orgasms 101 tho! Maybe I could get in to a course before the Autumn term starts....)

I'm thinking our Sparkle Lady is some sort of sex therapist or whatnot. However, she's too busy listening to Cleavage Cellist to bother with 3 Orgasms girl or her friend, and shushes them.

Cleavage Cellist finishes her piece. *cue applause*Sparkle Lady stands and applauds, then asks if she takes requests.
Cleavage Cellist says sure, what would she like? Sparkle Lady comes back with the very temptress-like, yet terribly cheesy line of:

"YOUR pleasure....."

Cleavage Cellist starts to play again, and sing, which continues on (and transforms into yet another version of Variations On An L Word Theme) as we......

~CUT TO~

Sparkle Lady sitting on the floor at the feet of Cleavage Cellist (she's a quick worker obviously, our Sparkle Lady! *g*) as she removes the cello and enquires if she is ready for "number 4?". And I'm thinking she's NOT asking her for a Chinese takeaway order there either......

*cue Sparkle Lady going down on the other woman....a bunch of women giggling outside a sauna room where they can hear them having sex inside......Sparkle & Cleavage (sounds like a weird San Francisco law firm to me, but I digress....) having sex in the hot tub on deck......the two women having a very DiCaprio/Winslet sex-moment at the bow (stern? *weg*) of the ship, except this time there's no shout of "I'm on top of the world!", as it's more like an #7 orgasmic shriek!*

ALL I know is, I'm getting a passport and bookin' a cruise for my next holiday!!!!! ;-) Boy oh boy, what fun I've been missin!!!!!!! LOL!

~FADE UP ON~

opening titles

"this is the way that we, way that we
liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiive
and
looooooooooooooooooooooooove!"

g'wan, sing along! You know you want to ;-)

~FADE UP ON~

Jenny (oh here we go again....) on one of Camcorder Guys' screens. She's standing looking straight up at the hidden camera and she's talking like a schoolgirl! "My name is Mary and I'm 14 years old, and I'm a virgin. My pussy's never been touched by a big cock before, and I want you to fuck me....in my pussy. *we see Jenny is undressing as she speaks* I want you to take your big cock and shove it up my ass...."

By now, Camcorder Guy is awake (next to his sleeping girlfriend) and is wondering where the heck the voice is coming from. Realizing it's Jenny talking on his screen, he jumps over and shuts it off quick smart before his bed mate can see/hear it!

~CUT TO~

A knock at Jenny's door, as we see her naked, as she writes on the front of her own body with black marker pen!
(Let's see, who's betting it says "I'M A FUCKING FREAKAZOID!" and who's erring on the side of "I CAN'T FIND ANY PAPER TO WRITE MY SHOPPING LIST ON!" *weg*)

In comes Mark to confront her, since he realizes she knows about his little spy cam scheme (I just realized, I should've called him Spy cam Guy, NOT Camcorder Guy! D'OH! Oh well, too late now....) He is greeted by the slightly unusual (at least for Jenny) sight of Miss Schecter, nekkid as the day she was born, with the words 'IS THIS WHAT YOU WANT' written on her front, from just above her breast to just below her navel.

Personally I'm impressed she could write so legibly (on herself) without having had one of her usual arty-farty carnival scenes FIRST! I know, I know, that's MEAN, I'm bad, yadda yadda yadda! ;-)

Mark, seeing this magic marker-tattooed vision of his erstwhile friend before him, is suitably speechless and just stands there with his mouth open. Mind you, I tend to do that too whenever I come into a room where a naked woman is staring back at me. Cept in my case there's a LOT more drool involved, and much stammering.....

Oh, and is it wrong that I kinda like Mark's new Shane dykey-u-likey haircut? Wrong schmong! The woman can cut like a razor ;-)

Btw, even the way Jenny STANDS there is weird! LMAO! Sorta with her hands on her hips and her shoulders thrust forward so her upper body looks kinda concave. Trust her not to even be able to STAND like a 'normal person'!
(And before you all start emailing me with shouty emails protesting "There IS no 'normal'!!!", I know! But you get what I mean, yeah? Good. Then I shall continue.....)

Mark eventually splutters out that she has the wrong idea about what he's done. Errr, let me see, spy cams, invading your housemate's privacy, er, no, I think she has just about the RIGHT idea. Never mind the 'documentary' aspect honey - you've still stepped waaaaay over a line here Marky!

He sees she has his swanky camera sitting in her room. Jenny says SHE'S gonna use it now (gods help us all...save us from the artyness!) He also notices she has the tape of Shane/Carmen.  Jenny points out that it's not really HIS tape of Shane/Carmen, and for the first time in - *let me think....* NO, actually it IS the first time ever! - I like something that has come out of Jenny Schecter's mouth! Good grief, there's surely no hope left for me now *weg*

Then Miss Schecter further ingratiates herself to me by giving the apologetic Mark an unnervingly calm tongue-lashing which goes thus:

"You have violated us, ARE violating us.
You have crossed EVER line of trust.
And DON'T tell me it's 'for the sake of art' "

Camcorder Guy really doesn't have leg to stand on but tries to plead with her to watch his documentary anyway, begging off with, "you KNOW me, watch it and you'll understand!" etc

Jenny then questions if he has any sisters (he has two, younger ones) and asks him to therefore ask THEM when they were first intruded upon by a boy or a man etc. That THAT has happened to just about every girl and woman at some point or other, and that it can either be "relatively benign or so fucking painful". That last line is quite important I think folks, so keep it in mind for future reference.

In his defence (if there is any), Mark does look extremely contrite - looking down at the floor most of the time and coming across as being genuinely sorry for the pain and hurt he has caused etc. He says he's started taking the cams down already and goes to tell Shane what he's done, but Jenny stops him by saying she doesn't want him to tell her, or Carmen, as she wants them to enjoy their holiday without being upset etc. Stating quite strongly that "I'M gonna decide when you get to take those rapey cameras down...Now get the fuck out of my room."

I'm struck by how strong Jenny is right there and then. How 'normal'. How impressed I am with her as a person right then! I'm also struck by the fact that "rapey cameras" is a term I have never heard, and probably one I'll never hear again ;-)

~CUT TO~

Kit taking people's orders in the food queue at The Planet. She takes a couple down, but is then interrupted by a large black man brandishing a large bunch of flowers and an offer of dinner. Kit's having none of that though, cause he stood her up for his own family (the swine!) last week and tells him she's busy. However, he then adds the offer of, "dinner AND breakfast in bed" while moving the HUGE bunch of flowers right under her nose, and, slowly her miffed frown turns to a big grin.

Aaaah the Flim Flam Man returneth!

Any men who are reading this recap, not ALL women are as easy to get round as our Kit was. Put it this way, it'd take a darn sight more than a pretty bunch of flowers (unless they were lovely red roses!) to get me back on your side if you'd stood me up for your WIFE! Grrrrr! Mind you, I'd never knowingly go out with anyone who was in a committed relationship! But then, that's where me and Kit differ in morality. i.e. I have SOME, and she seems to have NONE. *weg*

~CUT TO~

Alice's radio show, where the lady in question is doing her hilarious 'radio voice' which we sampled last week ;-)
Dana is with her, and Alice is talking about her guest spot on the Olivia Cruise, which she's taking them all along with her on! Yippeee! Floating lesbians! *g*

Those two are so cute & funny it hurts ;-) Alice is being all presentery and business-like and Dana keeps butting in and trying to be helpful, adding bits and pieces on the mic, to the conversation, while her girlfriend also talks on the mic which just annoys Alice, as it's clearly HER show and she wants to do it HER way! LOL! Dana whispers "sorry!" and just sits and watches

Alice tells her listeners about her friends and who's going out with whom etc and then mentions Sparkle Lady, who, it turns out, is actually a brilliant writer and respected "sexpert". Sounds like a fun profession! I'll have to look into that....

Seems Dana will be on a panel of guest speakers along with Sparkle Sexpert, so THAT should be interesting to watch ;-)

Alice finishes off that segment by tapping three glasses with liquid in, i.e. a makeshift xylophone, and it's all so funny and hilarious I have trouble seeing the screen cause I'm laughing SO hard at Miss Pieszecki's Radio Persona and her quirky ways!

~CUT TO~

Jenny sitting in front of a whole bunch of old black & white and sepia photographs spread across her bed. She's talking out loud (Mark's video camera is perched on a seat across from her) and a song is being sung in Hebrew over it all, which morphs into annoying techno-type noises and beeps etc. Oh yes, I forgot back there for a few minutes - Jenny is the arty-farty weird one :-/

She's filming herself asking her mother about a man in one of the old photos - I think it's maybe her Grandfather - and about whether he "lost his mind when he began to transcribe the Torah by hand, or did that CAUSE him to lose his mind..."

Jenny. Talking about members of her family who lost their mind. Hmmmmm..... I'm SO tempted to see a pattern here....... *weg*

She continues into camera, asking her Grandma now, about her experiences in Auschwitz. About being separated from her daughter there, about being branded with the tattooed number all Jews were given upon arrival at concentration camps, and other horrid experiences.....

(I'm beginning to think I need to call my girlfriend so I can have a Jewish-history perspective on tap, when....)

She is interrupted by Hot Carmen arriving at her bedroom door, knocking and peeking in.

Hot Carmen says she didn't realize she was busy and says she can come back later but Jenny invites her in and tells her about the family project she's working on. She then informs her that she's really into the project and has decided not to go on the cruise with (Shane and) the rest of the gang. Burr Connors firing her last week has taught her
Hot Carmen is having none of that however, and insists she comes along because she wants to go with "my girlfriend".

Jenny, in another astonishingly UNweird moment of clarity, comes back with the barbed:

"WHO'S that?"

Hot Carmen looks suitably stunned, but manages to state "it's YOU" after a second or two.

Jenny pleads, "PLEASE just tell me the truth!"

~CUT TO~

Sugar Mommy and Tina in a swanky changing room. Tina is trying on a rather fetching evening dress with a plunging neckline. Now, remember folks, Laurel Holloman is heavily pregnant here, and therefore, her funbags (breasts) are the size of your average BEACHBALL in a shopping bag!

I'm thinking, I DAMNWELL LIKE that dress on her! A-hubba hubba! ;-) *weg*

Sugar Mommy is being her usual, overtly smarmy self - blatantly cupping her lovers' tits from behind in full view of the shop assistant, asking for the straps at the back of the dress to be adjusted tighter so Tina's ample mammories are displayed for all to see. Geez that woman is such an exhibitionist show-off!

*wonders briefly if someone hasn't recorded an album called Ample Mammories....and if not, WHY not.....*

Tina, disconcerted as usual with the overt displays of sexual innuendo from her lover, asks the assistant to give them a moment alone and turns to Sugar Mommy, imploring:

"This is a $5,000 dress!
They're giving me an award for community service!
I don't wanna turn up in some sort of extravagant, over the top gown!
That money can be used in so many other ways!"

Here's a thought, - Probably SHOULDN'T have gone shopping with Helena then, eh Tina?! Probably SHOULDN'T have TRIED ON that "extravagant, over the top, $5,000 dress" then, eh Tina?!

*rolls eyes*

Sugar Mommy, in a very minor tantrum, simply looks Tina in the eye and states, "Please, DON'T tell me what I can and cannot spend my own money on!" then continues by bragging about how much money the Peabody Foundation gives away each year to worthy causes etc, and that buying Tina the dress would give her the "utmost pleasure..."
Call me old fashioned, but I'm thinking the pleasure would be gained AFTER she takes the dress off her at the end of the evening.
*weg*

Sugar Mommy gets her (presumably, bulging at the seems!) purse out to buy said dress, after Tina caves, and as she whips out her credit card (NOT paying for it with spare change Helena? tsk tsk!) she mentions to Tina that she's invited Bette to the awards. Whirling round, caught off guard, Tina asks, "WHAT?!"

Ok, so what is it with weak willed women this week!!! Kit was won over with an expensive bunch of flowers, and Tina with an expensive dress! Shallow much? Hmmmmmmmmm......

~CUT TO~

Sex-On-Legs-Shane walking down the hall at chez Shenny. The Hotness That Is Carmen calls her into Jenny's room, and informs her that Jenny has told her she's not going on the cruise. Sex-On-Legs tells Jenny she WILL go on the cruise. Jenny begs off, saying her family project is real important to her and she wants to stop messing around and do some decent work etc Sex-On-Legs takes one look at Hot Carmen, drops her bag where she stands and says, "Fuck it, if you're not going, I'm not going!"

Btw, is it just me, or does Shane tend to dress much like a 10 year old boy these days? If she's not in a pseudo-schoolboy white/shirt, black tie combo, she's waltzing around in camouflage jumpers etc! She could be the spitting image of any of the boys in my street I used to play with when I was 10! LOL!
Suits her tho ;-)

Anyhoo, Hot Carmen shrieks that if neither of the other women are going, then SHE'S not going either, even though she WANTED to go!  It all gets very slumber-partyish then, with Jenny squealing and rolling around on the bed, then finally agreeing to go, thereby allowing Shane and Carmen to high-5 in triumph! Jenny laughs and observes quaintly, "we're gonna be a fucking threesome man!" Hot Carmen lets her troubled brow rest on her folded arms and....

~CUT TO~

Alice and Dana packing for the cruise. I feel I should give them nicknames too, cause they're so sweet, but I can't think of any good ones! Should I call them DaAlice? After last week's sex shop escapade, how about Strap on & Bottom?
*weg*

Anyhoo, whilst packing, Dana mentions she's taking seasickness meds with her, but Alice says she wont need them cause she wont get sick. Oooooh dear. We ALL know that if someone in a drama or soap says ONE thing, the opposite IS usually bound to happen, so folks, prepare for someone to be upchucking their lunch before this episode is over! ;-)

Dana's being very practical and states there's no point in BOTH of them taking mundane stuff like toothpaste etc, but Alice is largely ignoring her, being busy packing and deliberately NOT paying any attention.

This, however, soon comes to the notice of her girlfriend, who then asks her what's wrong. (It comes to my notice, too, that Alice seems to be wearing her red cardigan on BACKWARDS in this scene! Ahhh the fashionista young these days......*muffled snigger*) Alice denies there's anything wrong, but Dana knows there is and says:

"Yes there is!
Ok, let's just work this out before we get on the giant boat that sinks with you mad at me....."

Those two are so cute and 'real' as a couple it almost makes me forget my crusade to bring Lara and Dana back together!

ALMOST.

Eventually Dana gets out of her that Alice is miffed she muscled in on her radio show. Y'know, interrupting and stuff.
As soon as Dana realizes this, she climbs over the bed and sincerely apologies to her sweetie. Good grief! WHO could resist Erin Daniels when she makes that pleading-'forgive me?' face!?! I know I sure couldn't!!! *makes me wanna kiss it all better for my Dana....*

Unsurprisingly, Alice can't resist it either and forgives her, so the girls kiss and hug and Dana apologises some more because she hates the cruises. (Exactly how many cruises HAS she been on? Blimey!) Alice reminds her that she doesn't have to be sick and scared etc cause SHE will be with her to look after her. And she called her "baby", which just makes me melt, cause it reminds me of my girlfriend and that I miss her and love her very much indeed.....

*passes the barf bag around, just in case.....*

Alice goes further in her reassurances, by mentioning that:
"No one ever got sick on The Love Boat"

*cue long conversation about who played who on The Love Boat etc*

Seemingly Dana thinks that "Julie" from The Love Boat was hot! Alice finds that titbit of information extremely interesting and files it away in her brain for later. Now, I must add a disclaimer here that:

A) I never watched The Love Boat
and therefore
B) I don't know who ANY of the characters are, including Julie et al

So, I'm pleading ignorance and going over to www.imdb.com to read up on it, just in case it's relevant later. Which, knowing my luck, it WILL be.... *groan*

~CUT TO~

Sex-On-Legs packing in her room (and NO, I don't mean "packing" as in, with a harness and dong!!! I mean, as in, with a suitcase and clothes, you mucky minded viewers!!!! Tsk tsk tsk....) *weg*

In comes Camcorder Guy.

Mark mentions Shane "might hear shit about" him while she's away and urges her to not believe he's a "total asshole" etc etc

Quite rightly, Shane has no idea what's going on or what he's talking about, and so states, questioningly:
"you're being really intense and cryptic right now....", which is fair enough, as Mark hasn't spilled the beans on his little spy cam lesbo documentary yet. But to be fair to him, he WAS going to tell her, and Jenny stopped him from doing so.

He tries to make light of things by stating "that's really my style - intense and cryptic is - it's how I get all the ladies...."
which just makes Shane laugh in a really sweet way!

Camcorder Guy then steps forward and states with conviction that he IS her friend, and Shane replies with feeling that she's his friend too.

Awww bless :-)

Y'know, for a total asshole, Mark is really quite a likeable total asshole......

~CUT TO~

All the gals, minus Bette/Tina/Helena etc, getting out of a taxi at (presumably) the port. Gods help us, they are STILL banging on about who was who and who did what on The Love Boat, with Hot Carmen going on about the fact that "Captain Stoobing was married!" etc.

Let's just take a small time-out here folks! Clearly The Love Boat is a theme featured heavily in this weeks' ep, and so I feel a little info is called for, on behalf of us NON-American residents....

Courtesy of IMDB.com :
THE LOVE BOAT plot outline =
'The adventures of the passengers and crew aboard a luxury liner on a cruise from California to Mexico'
Seemingly this program starred actors such as Tom Bosley, Florence Henderson, Cloris Leachman, Ted Hamilton and Gabe Kaplan.

It's described on the site as, and I quote, "mindless tv", so I'm thinking it was probably a show in the mould of Fantasy Island, Hart To Hart or some other such US TV fare. Harmless, escapist fun, that would hardly set the Emmys alight, but wouldn't scare your Grandma either ;-)

And now back to your regularly scheduled slice of lesbian recapping......

The gang all get their luggage out of the taxi and Alice notes that everyone has carry-on luggage, so no one will have to have their baggage checked in. Except Dana then adds suddenly that she WILL be checking a bag. She's really quite insistent about that. Straaaaaaange......

Jenny, btw, is wearing yet another godawful, strange and weird creation, in the form of a teeny tiny cape about her shoulders! This cape is barely a foot in length and seems for all the world to be made out of VERY dated, very dingy, hotel room dusky pink velour curtain material.

I have only one word for her, and that's:

WHY?????????

*rolls eyes*

Everyone else is dressed perfectly sanely, in attire suitably fitting for a cruise on a big lesbo boat of lurrrrrve ;-)

~CUT TO~

The gang piling through the terminal. Alice can't understand why Dana is making such a big deal about checking one of her bags in and walks off, leaving Dana struggling with her luggage.....

~CUT TO~

Poor Bette arriving to pick up her father from his hotel. The way Bette shouts, "Daddy!" when she seems him is so adorable. Our Bette is just a little girl deep deep down, beneath all that Alpha-female bravado y'know. Bless :-)

Ossie Davis, who plays Bette's dad, looks very frail and I'm alarmed at the turn his health must have taken in REAL life since we saw him last season on the show. This is compounded by the knowledge that The L Word Season 2 was, I believe, the 2nd-to-last piece of work he ever did before passing away via natural causes in early February of this year, in Florida.

:-( He will be sadly missed.

Anyway....

Bette mentions as she gets him into her car that they are going to see a special painting, and Allyn Barnes, who was her teacher at Yale. (Remember folks, the artist from the last ep who never shows her work....?) Mr Porter comes to EXACTLY the same conclusion I did upon hearing the woman's name and says:

"Is HE the painter?" and therefore I snigger to myself as Bette explains who Allyn is and that she's a woman etc.

His daughter mentions Allyn was the reason she went into the arts. Melvyn states he thought Bette went into that profession because of the influence of her mother, and we find that Bette has all of the watercolours her mother ever painted.

It's more moments like THESE that we need in this show! Moments that are insignificant really, but serve to flesh out the characters and make them human to us; make them REAL and believable and worth caring about etc

~CUT BACK TO~

The port terminal, where the gang are going through the metal detector one by one. Dana walks through and makes a grab for her bag which is going through the x-ray machine at the side. Only to be denied her prize as it disappears BACK inside! Dana looks distraught at this, and we soon find out why, as we see the officials looking at the monitor, at a suspiciously-shaped object in Dana's luggage!

~CUT TO~

One of the said officials, holding up a nice meaty dildo attached to a harness for all to see.
DANA'S BEEN RUMBLED FOLKS! LMAO!

"What the hell is THIS!" gasps the big black official guy who is searching Dana's luggage.

I'm surprised he doesn't recognise it! Surely he has a nice one of his own tucked away ;-) *weg*

Dana, meanwhile, is trying her best to hide behind her hands, squirming with embarrassment! Poor Dana! LOL!
Alice grabs the strap on from Official Guy and motions what it's for! LMAO! Behind the two women, Carmen, Shane and Jenny are all standing, wincing in sympathy whilst also simultaneously grinning their heads of and sharing knowing looks! LMAO! This is classic stuff! LOL!

However, the humiliation is far from over for Miss Fairbanks, as a pair of nipple clamps are fished out of the same bag! OHHHHH MY! I can see now why people keep talkin bout 'The Love Boat', and I'm thinking Dana was expecting that boat to be a-rockin and a-rolling, from the contents of her suitcase! ;-) hehehehe!

Official Guy's sidekick, Official Lady, confiscates the nipple clamps, stating, "you can't take these on the plane ma'am, you should know that...." and says they can close the bag back up now, which they do and then scarper off as soon as their little lesbian legs can carry them!

Er, ok, I'm confused.

A) I thought that were going on a BOAT, not a PLANE!
B) since when can you highjack a plane with a pair of NIPPLE CLAMPS and a small metal chain!!!!!!!

*TOO. MANY. JOKES. NOT. ENOUGH. TIME. TO. SAY. THEM. ALL.*
*JOKE OVERLOAD! JOKE OVERLOAD!!!!*
*weg*

Maybe nipple clamps are different in America than they are over here! I know my girlfriends' pair are very.......
*SNIP! Edited for content*
*weg*

~CUT TO~

Bette, Allyn and Melvyn staring at the painting Bette mentioned before.

Mr Porter and Miss Barnes have a seminal discussion over what the painting means, about god and spirituality and I'm sorta glad right then that Melvyn isn't MY Dad, cause I see he and I would have some blazing rows about such things in our house. ;-)

Bette stands between them, looking uneasy as her father and her teacher trade barbs until Melvyn leaves.
She goes looking for him and finds him wandering the corridors of the CAC offices, so escorts him into her office and sits him down. He talks about Bette's mother and the arguments they had, even though they loved each other etc.

Bette calmly asks her father why he didn't try harder to make things work with her mother, if he loved her SO much.
Melvyn says she wouldn't understand unless she'd "experienced the bond of marriage" to appreciate how much he'd hurt Bette's mother. What? Did Melvyn cheat on Bette's mum the way Bette cheated on Tina?

Wow. Revelations aplenty. Hmmmmm......

Bette understands more than he realises, what with Tina etc, and tells him so. Then she mentions to her father she's booked a table at a nice place for them that evening. However, Daddy just wants to eat in his hotel's restaurant, and also asks if Kit can join them.

Bette is surprised, but very pleased at this, until her daddy says for Kit to bring along Flim Flam man.
i.e. Kit gets to bring along her boyfriend of a few days, whilst no mention is made at all about Bette's partner of 7 years PLUS! Melvyn doesn't know what to say, and I guess neither does his daughter, so she just dials Kit's number like a good girl.

~CUT TO~

Two female voices singing:

"WE'RE ALL GETTIN DOWN ON THE LES-BOAT!"

This made me laugh out loud when I heard it, cause it was so unexpected! LOL! Plus, I had a mouthful of Pepsi at the time, so that was a whole damp mess of mirth too ;-)

Sparkle Sexpert is seen kissing Cleveage Cellist beside the huuuuge cruise liner, as the shot pulls back and we see our gang arriving to board.

Alice notices Sparkle Sexpert and mentions her to Dana who makes an observation I wont repeat, but it was very funny and VERY DaAlice ;-)

~CUT TO~

INSIDE the cruise liner now, where women of all shapes and sizes (and some alarming haircuts! eep! Buzzcut ahoy!) are milling around getting ready to cruise the lesbian seas.

A group are gathered around a woman next to a sign who is talking about O.W.L.S., which seemingly stands for Older Wiser Lesbians. Hmmm, wonder if I'LL be an O.W.L. some day......?  I dunno - it could be a real HOOT!

;-)

The liner looks fantastic inside, with a MASSIVE spiral glass sculpture in the stairwell and oooh look! There's Hot Carmen and Jenny and Shane etc etc

Dana is suddenly peeled off from our bunch as she's mobbed by fans seeking autographs, and so Alice takes the opportunity to go speak to a crisply dressed purser. They whisper conspiratorially until Alice moves away with a wink and a "we'll talk later".

Curious.......

~CUT TO~

Hot Carmen, Sex-On-Legs and Jenny arriving at their cabin. ONLY to find they've been given one with ONE double bed in it by mistake. *rolls eyes*

Jenny ventures the idea of the THREE of them sleeping together in it, with Shane and her at the sides and Carmen in the middle. NO ONE except Jenny was expecting to hear that suggestion, and NO ONE except Jenny seems overly enamoured with it either! Can't imagine why, can you? ;-)

Jenny wanders off, and Shane turns to Carmen who is still staring at the bed, stating:

"EVEN for JENNY, she's acting weird!"

I'm glad someone noticed! It's only taken nearly two whole series of 45 minute-long shows for someone to SAY anything about it! LOL!

~CUT TO~

DaAlice arriving at their cabin, where Alice finds a beautiful display of roses waiting for them. She reads the card and finds it's from Olivia Cruises for her, for talking them up on her radio show! Dana is impressed by the gift, but Alice mentions she made it up anyway! (Presumably she means she just TOLD Olivia Cruises that she mentioned them on her radio show then.....*g*)

Naughty Alice ;-)

~CUT TO~

A Q&A session with the panel, which includes Sparkle Sexpert and Dana, among others. One lady in the audience asks Sexpert a question about whether it's possible to (basically) be in a committed relationship and yet still sleep with other people. Jenny, in the audience, grins like a loon at this.

Sparkle Sexpert says that yes, it is possible, but that jealousy can rear its' head and you'd need to have rules and boundaries etc. All the while, Jenny and Carmen and Shane trade looks and awkward stares etc.
Eeeeshk! Uncomfortable much?! Then a really cute woman in a yellow T shirt stands up and asks shyly:

"Dana Fairbanks, will you marry me?"

AWWWW, bless her cotton socks! LOL!
*cue raucous laughter from the audience, clapping, whooping etc*
Dana's very cute and sweet and smiles, eventually saying....

"SURE!
*laughter*

Thank you, very much, but, I'm in one of those, erm, 'committed' relationships" and looks over at Alice, who gives her a comic salute right back. Hehe!

Alas, there's time for one more question, and this time it's from Jenny! *groans*

"Miss Sparkle, what is your advice on, THREEWAYS!!!!!!!!!"
*cue audience going wild and Jenny screaming "YEEEAH!" and punching the air triumphantly*
*cue Shane and Carmen with the awkward looks again*
(btw, for the Brits among you: threeways = threesome)

~CUT TO~

Poor Bette having dinner with her Daddy. (On a brief sidenote - where I paused the show here to write a little, I've come back and found I've frozen Jennifer Beals' face in a really-trying-hard-to-fart-really-loudly type expression! It's so funny, I wish you guys could see it! LMAO!)

She mentions she has to get back home a little later to change, as Tina has her awards dinner that evening. Her father doesn't enquire, so she prompts him thus:

"Don't you wanna know why Tina's being honoured?"

Melvyn replies with the evasive: "sure, if you wanna tell me".
Hardly an advert for a well-adjusted family unit, are they :-/ Bette doesn't get a chance to elaborate though, as just then Kit shows up with Mr Flim Flam. Hugs and kisses and handshakes all round ensue, and Kit is obviously overjoyed to have been invited to dinner with her father.

~FADE TO~


Later in the meal, with Melvyn and Flim Flam talking about Benjamin's Theory Of Everything, and how he conceived of it etc Einstein is quoted, and for a brief second I think we're going to have a conversation on screen I can REALLY get my Sci-Fi teeth into......However, Bette then mentions Kit's acquisition of The Planet, and T.O.E. is forgotten, as Bette's father excuses himself from the table to go to the bathroom, after having a short cough.

~CUT TO~

Aboard the Good Ship Sappho, where Jenny and Carmen and Shane are dancing away to some thumping disco beats!
Ooooh I love a good boogie me ;-)

Jenny and Hot Carmen snog in the middle of the dance floor, and it's all going swimmingly, until Jenny pulls over Sex-On-Legs and basically steps out of the way, pushing her two friends together.

Shane and Carmen are left standing very close, mouths/lips practically kissing one another, but not quite, while their minds war with what to do next!

For about 10 seconds (which is an age in TV time!) they stand there, millimetres away from igniting their own little personal fire, which will surely burn the dance floor away like a Disco Inferno from hell! ;-)

Then Shane finally realises what she's doing and pulls away, walking off finally and leaving Hot Carmen standing there breathless, while Jenny dances next to her, quite unmoved by the whole scene!

I've said it before, and no doubt I'll say it again - Jenny is a weird one, isn't she. I like the way they have progressed her character this year, and she's far more human and far less annoying (in general) and even has had more fun lines and stuff to do and say than last season, but let's face it folks, the girl's STILL weird ;-)

~CUT TO~

Shane, leaning over the railing of the ship, cigarette in hand, looking moodily out to sea. No doubt she is trying to figure out how the hell to face the situation of The Hotness That Is Carmen! Oh and The Weirdness That Is Jenny.
Just wait till you get home Shane! You'll think this awkward cruise was a party compared to what awaits you there!

~CUT TO~

The next day, at The Planet, where Melvyn and his daughter arrive to see Kit. Poor Bette is not a happy bunny today as she didn't sleep well and needs her coffee shot. Mr Flim Flam is mentioned and it comes out that he lives in Portland, Oregon. Melvyn is surprised at this, and eventually Bette has to kick her sister under the table to stop her running her mouth off about Benjamin and his 'already married' status etc! Sisters eh! LOL!

Getting out of the awkward topic of conversation, Bette reiterates that she needs her shot of coffee, and takes her older sister go off to go get just that.

At the coffee machine, Bette berates Kit about wanting to tell their dad she's seeing a married man. Bette knows it will be World War III is Kit tells her father the truth about Benjamin and urges her sister to keep quiet about it for now, and points out that it's nice for Kit to 'be back in the family fold' with her Dad etc, and not to rock the boat just yet etc.
Kit agrees, even though she wants to tell the truth. So that's settled then - phew! I'm glad, I didn't really fancy seeing crockery flying about The Planet after she fessed up to her Daddy! ;-)

Back at their table, Melvyn has trouble holding his espresso mug (well, they ARE tiny...) as his hand is shaking etc.
They've given us so many clues, we MUST all suspect by know that Bette's father ISN'T a well man!

After managing to sip his java, Melvyn mentions it would be nice if he and Kit could have dinner at The Planet that evening, as Bette has: "a prior engagement with Miss Kennard....." Poor Bette looks mightily pissed that her own father can't even call her ex-partner by her first NAME!

"Daddy, do you think you could call her 'TINA'?
THAT'S her NAME - Tina.
For the MILLIONTH time - her name is TINA!
HOW LONG have you known her?!"

She's incredulous with him, but he brushes it off and asks Kit something about Benjamin instead, prompting Poor Bette to rise, on the verge of leaving in disgust.

"You have NO regard for what I'm going through Daddy! NONE. And until you can acknowledge my relationship of EIGHT years is every bit as meaningful as your marriage to my Mother....until you can SEE that my heart is BROKEN, because I failed the woman I love, perhaps in the same way that YOU failed my Mother, then I REALLY have nothing else to say!...........Except y'know, I am NOT giving up! I'm NOT gonna end up sad and alone and full of regret."

And with that, Bette strides off and leaves her father sitting there, wondering what raven-haired whirlwind just hit him!

Y'know I REALLY cannot stress what a good actress Jennifer Beals is! If she doesn't get more meaty TV/movie roles after starring in Season 2 of The L Word, then there truly is no justice in this world!!!!!!!!!!
GO BETTE!!!! WOO HOO! Way to tell your Dad off honey!!!! ;-)

~CUT BACK TO~

A sunny day on the Lesbian Love Boat. Everyone's gettin' down on deck and partying like it's going out of fashion!
YEEEEHAW! Lesbian spring break! Bring on the bikinis!!!!! *weg*

Alice and Dana join the throng and Dana is immediately accosted by a pair of butches, one of whom enthuses about how she's an inspiration for coming out, and generally breathing in and out and just existing! lol! Dana is so cute with her fans ;-)

Alice looks around and finds Sparkle Sexpert, so goes over and introduces herself, but I'm not really paying attention to what she's saying, as I'm gazing at Leisha Hailey's PLUNGING red dotted bikini top. (Or rather, what's INside it....)

Can I just say A-HUBBA FUCKIN' HUBBA! *drooooooooooooooooooooooooooool* *weg*

THEN I mentally slap myself back to reality and realize Alice has just asked Sparkle Sexpert if it's true that she "sleeps with a different woman every night?" Blimey! She's not backwards in coming forwards is our Alice! ;-)

Sparkle Sexpert takes it in her stride though, and mentions she likes to get as much sex as possible, BUT, if the right person came along, WHO KNOWS! Alice wonders if she's found anyone interesting so far that fits the bill TODAY. Sexpert says no, but, just then in wanders Sex-On-Legs and you can almost see the $ signs in Sparkle Sexperts eyes! LMAO! KER-CHING! We have a sale on the lesbian counter folks! Bag that woman and have her sent to my cabin immediately!
;-)

Unsurprisingly, Sparkle asks Sex-On-Legs if she can buy her a drink, to which Shane hesitates at first then says sure!
Alice wanders off, chewing her the straw from her cocktail.....

~CUT TO~

The crowd in the background, on deck, rocking out and dancing to the music, as Jenny gets up and joins them.
Jenny being Jenny, she dances about and slowly starts taking items of clothing off. *rolls eyes* Hot Carmen comes along just then, and sees her erstwhile girlfriend making an exhibition of herself, so shakes her head and leaves the scene. Which means she misses the part where Jenny takes off her shoes and jumps into the pool (shame it wasn't the ocean! LOL! I know, I know, enough with the meaniness-to-Jenny.......*grumbles*) almost fully clothed!
That girl is such a kook! ;-) At least she looks like she's having fun and enjoying herself for a change! Perhaps an Olivia Cruise DOES indeed cure all lesbian drama-related angst. At least, for some......

~CUT TO~

Alice (with super sexy red dotty bikini top still intacto!) leading Dana into their cabin.
At this point I have a dilemma! I'm spoilt for choice, as, not only does Leisha sport a sexy top, but Erin ALSO has a black bikini on!

Oh my oh my oh my! So THIS is why God gave me eyes! HALLELUIAH AHEM!!! ;-)

Oooooh there's soooo much skin on display - especially from Dana - that for a brief moment I think I may ACTUALLY have died and gone to Lesbo Heaven (oooh, is that Dusty over there, next to Sappho?!) and then the bar is reset, as Alice reappears holding a pristine white Captains uniform.

Dana is suitably impressed and Alice advances on her, with a look that I can only describe as panty-wetting!

*purrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr*

Dana bunches her hair on top of her head and Alice puts the Captain's cap on her, stating, "mmmm, that's HOT!"

~CUT TO~

About 5 and a half minutes later, with a newly-uniformed Captain Dana adjusting her 'package'. Mmmmmmmm, what IS it about a woman in uniform?!!! *drooooool*

In the background we can hear a hairdryer on full blast in the bathroom, until Dana stands, and shouts "K, Alice, I'm ready!"

From the bathroom curtain, emerges Leisha Hailey, dressed in a female Steward's uniform and sporting an outrageous late 70's/early 80's Cagney (from Cagney & Lacey!) flick hairstyle!!!!

LMAO!!!!!!!! LOL! LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ohmygawd these girls are just TOO MUCH! I'm gonna bust a rib laughing at this rate!!!! This is the best episode EVER for comedic moments, THAT'S FOR SURE!!!

Dana sees the vision before her and whispers in awe, "JULIE!" (from Love Boat, remember? Dana liked her....) and Alice does her best flirting-with-the-captain-yet-still-demure look as she advances on her girlfriend, clipboard and pen in hand!

When they are scant inches away from each other, 'Julie' abandons her clipboard and Captain Stooping grabs her hand, placing it, shall we say, upon what she has concealed under her trousers ;-)

Then 'Julie' gasps,
"OH GOD! Is that a periscope in your pocket or are you just happy to see me!"
Cpt Stoobing grasps 'Julie' firmly and flings her to the bed, prompting 'Julie' to groan (and me to continue falling off my chair giggling) and remark lustily, "OH CAPTAIN, MY CAPTAIN!", then Cpt Stoobing 'climbs aboard'.....

It's all getting very hot and heavy and 'Julie' has just wrapper her thighs rough Cpt Stoobing, when.....

KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK! at the door to their cabin!

GAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

NOOOO, I wanna see Captain Stoobing have sex with 'Julie'!!!!!!!!!!!! *has major horny tantrum*

A voice at their door informs them they are late for dinner, and they are needed cause they are supposed to be sitting at the CAPTAINS TABLE!!!!

oh, irony, thy name be "fantasy" ;-)

Alice and Dana are NOT pleased at this turn of events, so Dana gets up and goes to answer the door, protesting that she has to change and get ready etc, but the organiser lady says she looks just fine and drags her off (as she's holding her 'package' self-consciously!) by the hand, as Dana looks back at Alice with the plea of "JUUULIEEEEE!"

Alice gets up from the bed immediately and races after her, with the shout of, "CAPTAIN STOOOOOOOOOOBING!!!"

DAMN this episode is freakin HILARIOUS! LOL! ;-)

~CUT TO~

Dinner in the posh restaurant of the Good Ship Sappho, where we see Shane sitting next to Sparkle Sexpert, next to the REAL Captain of the boat! (Hmmmm, I wonder who's piloting the ship......)

Sparkle Sexpert is extolling the virtues of this sort of lesbian cruise: i.e. most of the women on it ONLY get to be themselves and enjoy being free and out WHEN they are on the boat, as they are closeted in their daily lives etc

Shane sits sipping her wine until Sparkle Sexpert points over to where Dana and Alice have arrived, STILL in their 'Love Boat Fantasy' uniforms! LMAO!

The REAL Captain gets up and shakes their hands, and they sit down next to him at his table.

Maybe he thinks they thought the dinner was fancy dress ;-) ;-) ;-)

Sparkle Sexpert explains that the two of them are "completely in their power, free to go wherever their libido takes them...." (MY libido usually takes me in the direction of The Hotness That Is Carmen! But again, I digress.....*weg*) and the REAL Captain nods and murmurs agreement etc, while 'Cpt Stoobing' and 'Julie' try to get over their embarrassment at still being in fantasy attire and get down to enjoying their meal.

Enjoying their meal, at least, for Alice, consists of placing a hand over Dana's crotch and grabbing a firm hold of her still-attached 'package'!!! Which is then hastily covered, Alice-hand and all, with a napkin by Miss Fairbanks ;-)

~CUT TO~

Jenny and Hot Carmen enjoying their dinner. Hot Carmen (unsurprisingly) looks like a million dollars and is dressed up to the 9's!!! *wolf whistles*

Jenny, however, seems to have come dressed in her best Chairman Mao outfit. A black Mandarin-necked jacket is set off, aptly, with a seemingly makeup-free face and combed-down hair. She looks more like a traditional Bond villain, than a lesbian woman enjoying a lesbian cruise!

Could Jenny BE any more odd! Sheesh! *rolls eyes*

Hot Carmen asks her what's going on with her (the onset of insanity perhaps? Remember Granddad....) but Jenny rebuffs her, saying there's nothing wrong etc. Hot Carmen mentions carefully that it seems like Jenny wants a "threeway with Shane!" Jenny says that she thinks Hot Carmen LIKES Shane, and that it's good to "explore our options..." etc.

I wonder, can Jenny ONLY spout the rhetoric that others have previously passed on to her? Good god woman, use your OWN mind for a change!!

She looks over to another table and spies a butch couple, one of whom looks faintly like Hilary Swank did in Boys Don't Cry. The Hilary Swank Butch raises her glass to Jenny and smiles at her. Jenny points her out to Hot Carmen. Hot Carmen still has NO clue what's going on with her, so asks Jenny (of the butch woman) "Is THAT what you want?!" Jenny answers by replying, "she's beautiful!", and Hot Carmen just gives up. Looking down at her food she simply says, "The salad's great!" and carries on eating, next to her weird-as-fuck girlfriend.

~CUT TO~

Tina and Sugar Mommy arriving at the awards dinner in their swanky evening dresses. I have to admit, both women look fantastic! *drool*

Sugar Mommy starts milling with the guests and chatting and Tina spies Poor Bette so goes over to her straight away.
Jennifer Beals, as usual, looks like the most beautiful, gorgeous, elegant woman on this planet! I, like most gay women, envy her husband greatly ;-) The two women's conversation goes thus:

T: "Hi!"
B: "Congratulations!...."
T: "Thank you....it means a lot to me that you're here"
B: "I wouldn't have missed it..."
T: "I've been thinking a lot about 'US' "
B: "You have?"
T: "uhuh, about the other day...............
it was nice...."
B: "Nice?"
T: "Yeah. It was really, REALLY nice.....
and, if you want, I'd like to see what would happen if we were to spend some more time together....."
B: "What about......Helena?"
T: "We're not exclusive......."
B: "So, are you saying you wanna......DATE me?"
T: "Yeeeeah...."

Bette then smiles such a sweet, joyful smile, and is about to answer her, when Sugar Mommy comes along and steals Tina away, wanting her to talk to some bigwig or other. Sugar Mommy DOES manage to remember to say hi to Bette though, and Miss Porter replies, "Hello Helena.....thank you for inviting me", then Sugar Mommy finally manages to drag Tina away. Tina maintains eye contact with her ex as she leaves though ;-)

Mmmmmm, what a wonderful scene that was between Tina and Bette! They were all shy and gentle with each other and hopeful etc. LOVELY! MORE PLEASE!!!!!!

~CUT BACK TO~

The Good Ship Lesbo.

OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!
They have SHAWN COLVIN SINGING ON BOARD IN THE CABARET LOUNGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD!!!!!!!!

*squeals of delight and claps hands in glee*

It is now I feel I should point out to you all that Shawn Colvin is one of my FAVOURITE singer-songwriters!
I saw her live in London a few years ago, appearing with Mary Chapin Carpenter, and that was one of the BEST nights of my life! *beams happily*

*note to self: CALM THE HELL DOWN BARD! GET ON WITH THE RECAP!*

;-)

Anyhoo, Miss Colvin is singing Sunny Came Home live onstage and playing her guitar and it sounds ACE!
Alice and Dana are huddled together in the audience, enjoying the show, and off aways to the right, Sparkle Sexpert and Sex-On-Legs decide to get out of there (and presumably go to her cabin for some sexy sexy!)

As Miss Colvin finishes her set and accepts the applause, Alice leans over Dana's uniformed shoulder and says saucily,

"Ohhhhh Captain Stoooooobing....what are we gonna do about this big hardon you've been sporting all night?!"

Dana replies (in character), "I dooooon't know Juuuuuulie!" and sighs. Hehehe ;-) These two are just SO fun and sexy! I want them as MY friends goddammit!

Alice suggests they too get out of there, but Dana thinks it would be rude to leave. Alice though, mentions she doesn't know how much longer she can stand to wait!!!!

I know what she means, cause, if I were in her place, I know for damn sure I'd be GAGGING to get my hands on Dana!!!!
*purrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr*

~CUT BACK TO~

The awards dinner where Sugar Mommy and Tina are taking their seats at their table. Tina looks over and sees Bette at a table further away and keeps glancing back to her. Bette, meanwhile, is happily engaged in animated small talk with the guests seated around her and is quite oblivious of her ex's eyes upon her.

~CUT TO~

Alice, bent over slightly with hands braced on the vanity unit in her cabin, moaning to Dana, "OH CAPTAIN STOOBING! i CAN'T WAIT TO HAVE YOUR BIG DICK INSIDE ME!!!!"

WOW! a-hubba-hubba!
Actually, I may have to invent a whole NEW level of 'hubba' for these two!
THIS IS FRICKIN' HOT!!!!

Dana is desperately trying to undo her trousers AND try to keep in character, mentioning something about hoping her 'wife' doesn't find out etc! LOL! (Captain Stoobing was married, remember folks?) After a bit of fumbling and hot kissing, Dana finally manages to, shall we say, hit the target ;-) Alice arches her back and moans, "OH GOD!"
Dana moans, "OH GOD!" back and we are treated to some standee-uppy sex - Dana thrusting into Alice and Alice thrusting back at her etc, with the obligatory moans of "OH YES!" etc However, Dana's cries of "OH YES!" morph into cries of "OH NO!", and she has to pull out and runs off to the bathroom, her hand clamped over her mouth, about to throw up!!!!

Awwww, seems like Miss Fairbanks DOES indeed suffer from bad seasickness! What crappy timing eh folks?!
Personally, I'd have liked that scene to continue on for soooooome time.....Perhaps they'll do a version of it and release it as an R18 dvd ;-) Probably not though! Worst luck....

Anyhoo, the scene finishes off sweetly, with a rumpled, un-satisfied Alice sighing, then rushing off after her girlfriend with the caring cry of, "Ok, I'm coming baby, I'm coming...." Bless, she's off to look after her girlfriend. Aint it sweet
:-)

~CUT TO~

Shane, throwing Sparkle Sexpert down on a bed and leaning over her.

"Hehehehe, you trying to 'Top' me?" asks Sparkle.
"Why, you think you're gonna 'Top' ME?!", counters Shane.
Ah yes, somehow I don't think Shane is much of a 'Bottom' between the sheets....(I'm sure a certain Hot person could change that though! Let's see, what was that game they played......oh yeah! "Too Hot!".......Mmmmmm....)

We are lead to think that these two are gonna get it on, but then Sparkle Sexpert actually YAWNS!!! This makes her laugh, which makes Shane laugh also. The two are face to face, and then Sex-On-Legs asks Sexpert a favour;

"Can I maybe crash on your couch?"

LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So much for being Sex-On-Legs! LOL! ;-)

Turns out Sexpert is dead tired too, and thinks that sounds like a great idea - Shane gets to sleep by herself (and not in the three-way double bed from hell back in her cabin!) and Sparkle Sexpert gets to have a good nights sleep, free from exhausting, marathon sex sessions. It's a hard job, but I guess SOMEONE has to do it! ;-) *wonders why I can apply for that particular job....*

Sparkle Sexpert makes Shane PROMISE never to tell anyone they didn't sleep together and Shane is more than happy to oblige.

~CUT TO~

Jenny, laying awake in bed with Hot Carmen. She looks pensive and sad, and reaches out to touch the sleeping Carmen's shoulder, but pulls away at the last minute. Maybe I should stop calling Bette, Poor Bette, and give the name to Jenny instead! Poor Jenny :-(

~CUT TO~

The Planet, where Kit, her father and Mr Flim Flam are in the middle of dinner. Melvyn gets up and excuses himself, but suddenly collapses into the arms of Flim Flam!!! OH NO!!!!

~CUT TO~

The awards dinner, where Tina is just being introduced to the crowd of diners, and the woman who won the highest grant in history etc

~CUT TO~

The awards dinner, where Bette is bending down at her table, on her cell phone to....

~CUT BACK TO~

Kit, who has called her, frantic, as their daddy has collapsed, and is being taken off in an ambulance to hospital.


~CUT BACK TO~

The awards, where Bette has to up and leave to go, JUST as Tina is invited onto the stage to accept her award!
DANG! NOOOO! Goddamn timing!

Tina and the rest of the honorees all go up onto the stage, and of course she looks over to where Bette WAS sitting, and sees an empty chair. Perplexed and disappointed at the disappearance of her ex, she puts on a brave face and carries on with the ceremony.

~CUT TO~

Shane, Poor Jenny and Hot Carmen arriving back home, to find Camcorder Guy up a ladder, removing the last of the spy cams.

"Hey" says Shane in greeting. "Hey" says Mark back to her.

Mark is asked what all the cameras are for etc. He replies there's something he needs to show them, and then after that they'll probably want him to leave etc. Shane, understandably, is confused and asks him what's going on. Mark confesses that he'd put cameras all over the house and had been filming them without them knowing. He also mentions that Jenny found out before they went away, but didn't want him to tell them so they could enjoy their vacation. Hot Carmen is appalled, head in her hands as Jenny goes over and places the SHANE/CARMEN LOVE CONFESSION tape in her hand.

OH MY!!!

Shane, meanwhile, is just staring at the floor, stock still, as if someone's just told her that her mother has died or something! Damn. Carmen goes up to Mark and slams the confession tape into his chest and walks off after Jenny.

~CUT TO~

Carmen catching up to Jenny in her room. Carmen tries to dig herself out of a hole by saying that if Jenny has seen the tape, she must have heard her say that it was "fun and easy etc" to be with HER! Jenny turns round and says,

"It's OKAY that we're NOT meant to be together, and I KNOW that the only reason that you're with me is because you want to be near Shane."

Carmen: "That is bullshit Jenny"

Jenny walks towards her and takes her hands in hers, telling her that she doesn't want to fuck up the fact that Shane is her best friend. And I do believe that's one of the best scenes Mia has ever had to play as Jenny. That and the one where she confronted Mark at the beginning of this episode. *applause for Mia*

~CUT BACK TO~

The camera lingering on the HUGE pile of tapes Mark has amassed from filming the women. Shane picks them up one by one and looks through them, her expression angry. Then Carmen walks past and the two stare at each other, though no words are said. Shane then stands there, across the room from Mark and looks SO damn hurt I want to reach into my laptop screen and throttle Camcorder Guy for what he's done to her! She walks over slowly and stands in front of him, betrayed, and then.....

WHAM! She socks him one right in the face!

The blow knocks him sideways, but he takes it like a man and just stands there holding his jaw. Shane then flings the tape she still has in her hands across the room and doubles over, hands on her thighs, bent over in anguish.

~CUT TO~

End titles, which has no music played over them, to enhance the dramatic moment we've just left.

~FADE UP ON~

~next time, on The L Word~

Dana's (radically thinner!!!) brother, Howie, comes to visit - in the middle of what looks like another 'dress up' fantasy session for Dana and Alice! (Alice has what looks like a housemaid's uniform on! LOL!) - and it just happens to be Gay Pride weekend! Dana finds Howie dancing, bare-chested, with some gay guys at Pride! *cue Dana looking shocked*

Shane apologises to Jenny for the Shane/Carmen love confession thing, and admits she likes having Jenny as a friend and roommate, and doesn't want to lose that. Jenny asks her what she's gonna do about Carmen...... *"MARRY HER!" I shout at my laptop screen* We see a shot of Shane and Carmen in a club, and Carmen is cupping Shane's face tenderly. Voiceover lady is heard to say "and Shane reveals her true feelings...."

Bette's father is in hospital and she refuses to leave his side.
Tina comes to visit and Bette has to tearfully tell her he has "advanced prostrate cancer, and he's refusing any treatment"

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Well, I don't know about YOU ladies, but I'm ALREADY dying to see next weeks' ep! Er, perhaps "dying" isn't quite the right word to use at the mo ;-) But oh no!!! I've just remembered I'm going on holiday for a week on Sunday and so won't see this weeks' episode till AT LEAST a week Saturday!

OH THE HUMANITY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!


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