Look the seasons almost over, so that means we get to see some tongue action
between Bette and Tina, and other things are starting to . Dude, I could
watch that all day. Hey wait a minute. Get off my girlfriend, Tina! I'm
pretty sure she isn't interested.
LA This Morning. Shower.
Girl #1 gets out of the shower, and proceeds to the loo. Girl #2 says she
needs to pee as well. So girl #2 gets on top of Girl #1. We pan up and, whoa
its Jenny & Carmen, now in heated passion. Marky Mark has to pee and, his
"back teeth are floating" says Shane. Shane knocks and knocks and knocks,
but to no avail. Behind that door lies something so vile it will melt your
eye sockets. Even though I warned Shaney, she didn't listen. Now it's all up
in her grill. This has to be the least unexpected jolt of the day. Shane is
smitten. Carmen and Jenny are smitten. I'm smitten. So she picks her jaw up
and slams the door shut. She tells Mark to "use the bushes". He obliges,
holding himself all the way.
Roll that beautiful gay footage.
I want new credits every time. That would be totally rad. I suggest Garbage.
Shirley Manson can write like the dickens.
El Sleazo's Dirty Office
Mark has cut together some footage to show El Sleazo. He edited it so Jenny
and Shane could introduce themselves accordingly. His "Journey" documentary
has just begun. The title to his lovely doc is A Compendium of Lesbianism:
Volume I. His initial observations tell him that lesbians talk about
"everything". For an additional treat, we learn Carmen's last name is not
finished with just de la Pica it is in fact, finished with Morales. He has
interviewed 40 Love and Alice "bookworm" Pieszecki, as well as the his
prodigal roommates. I have to add that Dana's hair is hideous. Marky Mark is
pimping his documentary for the producer. He thinks he has a real chance to
win at Sundance. El Sleazo is praying he is joking. There's no "pussy" thus
far in this trailer, and he is not happy about it. He yells at Mark telling
him he wants his advance money back pronto. He wants "hot lesbian sex and
now"! Mark is in direct violation of his contract. Mark wants Gomer Pile to
back him up because they have been buddies for a long time, but he just
tells him to "eat a dick". Which is quite enticing. Not!
Bookworm is undressing Dana and inquiring minds want to know about the
strap-on sex. 40 Love asks Al if she wants to "have her cake and eat her
pussy to"? Also is this a bi-sexual thing, where she tries to make her a man
by doing so? Alice says no it isn't a bi-sexual thing. But "many bonafide
Lesbians find strapping it on, the ultimate way of fucking." That and it
would be "really hot".
The Evil Lair
Count Hellena is arguing with Winnie Mann on the phone about the trial. She
says she cant imagine how a judge would choose Winnie over herself to care
for the children. Blah blah blah then she gives Winnie the ok to hang up on
her. Tina is sleeping there now. Ew. Hellena asks her how she is this
morning. Tina expresses her excitement for the ultrasound. Hellena wants to
know when to pick her up. Tina is all, no, I'm taking Bette. Of course the
Count disapproves. Hellena says its ok with her, which it isn't. She will
call Tina when she is on her way over and they will go out for dinner. She
turns to leave and then she evanesces. Don't we wish. I do love Jenny's
dialogue, it slays me.
Shane and a random assistant, probably gay like everyone else in LA, walk
toward the main house at the theater. She blahs about how her new employer
is being shot like old style, and is like the most powerful woman in
Hollywood. No it isn't Julia Roberts, it's Veronica Bloom. But, ole' Shaney
didn't know that. Veronica is of course yelling and swearing per her usual.
Shane doesn't look pleased to see her.
Kit and Bette talk about TOES and discuss what happens when he gets in town.
He isn't staying with her, but in a hotel. Bette looks on sceptically, as
often she does. Kits all "you think I'm a fuckup don't you?" Bette says no,
she is very proud of her for turning her life around, but doesn't want to
see Kit as the one to get hurt in the end. Lara has ordered lobsters from
Maine, I sure hope they don't mind travelling so far just to die. Kit is
letting everyone else prepare the lovely dinner for her and TOES, except
herself. Anyways, Bette is going to the ultrasound now, Kit wants her to
bring back a x-ray picture of the baby. Bette's outfit rocks!
Veronica aka Bitchcakes has hired Shane to do her hair. The following
Bitchcakes: Cover of the NY Times magazine, heh heh heh. Pretty good huh,
Shaney: Yeah, it's pretty great. I don't know why you requested me though.
Bitchcakes: You do hair don't you? Apparently, that's your life's ambition.
Shaney: Don't fuck with me Veronica.
Bitchcakes: How am I fucking with you when I offer you the world on a silver
platter? What's so wrong with seeing the potential in somebody, and giving
them the chance to prove themselves? Did I underestimate you Shane, or did I
mistake you for a person of substance?
Shaney: No, I think you mistook me for one of your little tricks, who would
let you slap her around and be grateful for the privilege of taking your
Bitchcakes: Ooh, are we getting to some core issues here Shane?
Shaney: Fuck you.
Bitchcakes: What about the possibility, that maybe I'm right about you? That
you really are better then this life you're living.
Shaney: Veronica, listen to what I'm saying to you. I have no magic and
there is no mojo, so whatever it is you think you are looking for, it
doesn't exist. Ok?
Bitchcakes: Then why don't you do my fucking hair?
Shaney: No thank you.
Le Couture Restaurant
Bernhard and Jenny blah about her excessive compulsiveness to be a nit
picker. She also thinks she and Burr, are too good for one another. He could
use some literary
pediculosis though. Jenny replies with "Ew." Which I don't know why he'd
want that either. Bernhard thinks non-fiction may be her metier. That is why
she wants her to work with
that guy from
Ghost. Carl/Burr enters, and greets them.
Swingin' Sex Shop
40 Love and Al talk about their strap on sales associate. They are trying to
figure out the size, I think. Sales lady says per finger is by inch. There
is also a variety of colors, names, and sizes. King Kong and T-Rex are the
size of a baseball bat, and the other the size of my thigh. They also come
in camo, "in case you are screwing in a war zone" quoteth Dana. One of them
even has hairy balls. They come with a suction cup to put on the hotel
window. Dana picks up a butt plug unknowingly. Sales rep, says we got a new
lube in but Al is allergic to strawberries. Dana sees someone she knows and
leaves the shop zipped up like the invisible man.
Dr. OB Wan
B and T see their baby. And we start repeating lines again. Is that our
baby? Is that our baby? "That's your baby." "That's our baby." Bette holds
Tina's hand. And they stare into the x-ray thingy.
Le Couture Restaurant
Carl doesn't want to work with Jenny, because he doesn't want his
hypothetical gayness to get out. Carl has won many lawsuits for being
accused of queerness. Burr tells Bernhard to fuck off, kisses her goodbye
and leaves. Outside Jenny goes on a rant about coming out, she agrees with
his look- at -all -the -non gay- actors- today, theory. I think Jenny is a
hippy. She starts conversations with "look, man". I'm thinking Flower, would
be a great hippy moniker. Carl drives a Jag, awesome. I like him. He's cool.
He says if you still feel like working on the book be at his pad at 8:30
Raging Hormonal Apartment
Tina says thank you for being there today, to Bette. Flashdance tells T she
loved being there. She loved it more then she can imagine. Gaymo says "Come
hither". They hug and sniff each other. I'm not sure but, this represents
doggy style in more ways then one. They breathe heavy and rub on each others
faces, then they have no other choice but to kiss like they just met.
Jennifer Beals rocked the house on the emotional level, in this scene. Gaymo
takes of Bette's really cute jacket, then they pet and breathe hard some
more. They move into the bedroom, where for the whole scene, I think to
myself that if this is a dream, what a cruel joke that would be. The
chemistry of these two just can't get any better. Tina has Bette touch her
in the good spot, only it sounds to me like maybe she got pierced or
something, cuzz Bette is floored by whatever is down there. They do it
forever, I think. It appears to me that Tina is in control during all this.
Then the dudes on the crew count down to the big O, and they of course, O at
the same time. I am soooo koo koo for cocoa puffs right now. So much so,
that I will now refer to B & T as such, from now on.
Yoda is cutting Mark's fro. He thinks it looks dykish, and Shane says "join
the club." He likes it though. He wants to know what that Bitchcakes wanted
from her. He wanted to pitch his idea for his project to her. In walks Eva
Longoria 2.0 she needs to talk to Shane about some stuff. Mark takes off. He
is now watching them on camera 1. Carmen lectures that she knows something
is going on with her. She asks why it's so hard for her to be around her and
Jenny Flower. She asks Shane, to look at her. The fact that she is working
hard to keep a relationship away from her is not working, because she has a
heart, and that's rare. Shane says "So what". So what happens if you don't
act on it. That's why she is with Jenny Flower, because they are biding
their time till they find the real deal. She also says that Jenny Flower
"wouldn't know the real deal if it bit her in the ass, she is so lost in her
own darkness that I think she likes it there." Meanwhile Marky Mark watches
astonished, by the knowledge of Carmen de la Pica Morales.
Raging Hormonal House
Bette is leaving, but Tina wants her to know she doesn't want the encounter
to mess everything up, they are doing so good. Bette agrees and they kiss
Skid Row Shack Camera 1
Carmen wants Yoda to take risks. Mark says "Fuck me."
Hellena comes over and an episode of when animals attack comes to mind, she
just wants to fuck all night. Hellena is like, whoa nelly calm down, I think
your pregnancy hormones are on full blast. She doesn't think she likes this
behavior. Tina says maybe its because she wants an audience or maybe she
doesn't like her apartment. So she invites her neighbors over. She really
wants her to stay. Hellena says maybe its your hormones. Tina is flipping
out saying "am I not allowed to have feelings either?" Hellena says "Winnie
was the same way". T says oh "look at you and Winnie now". So on that note
Hellena shoots out of there like a rocket. Tina can't understand what the
hell just happened. You and me both, woman.
Bette is discussing her, sexual encounter of the wow kind, with T. Bette
asks him whether or not she fucked things up by doing the dirty with T. He
is classic psychiatrist and answers a question with a question "do you think
you fucked it up?" I Could give you the long ass spiel but for the short
version I will say, Bette doesn't know if she wants to get back together
with her, and adds that the sex was fucking amazing. Like she had her life
back for just one second, but also sad, because she thinks T doesn't need
her anymore. He asks her if she thinks Tina's independence is a good thing.
She says yes, of course.
Swingin' Sex Shop
Dana looks on to conquer the mountain, that is the strap on. She looks on
confidently and enters with courage. She will fuck Al, good.
Skid Row Shack
Flower is looking for Mark, she needs the Carl/Burr DVDs back. She looks at
all of his equipment and finds a tape labelled, Yoda / Eva love confession.
So she watches it. There is this annoying xylophone thing going on, doo dee
doo dee doo dee doo dee. The whole time.
CAC of Wickedness
Bette is going over some of Ellen/Allyn Barnes art. Hellena comes in a says
that she doesn't want money to come in between any creative decisions. She
wants to hear Bette's presentation so far. Bette is like no, I'm not going
to tell you. So Hellena just sits there. Bette has happy helper humor her
with some other thing.
During all this we cut back to Jenny Flower watching the tape of Carmen
talking to Shane. Doo dee doo dee doo dee doo dee, literally this is the
shittiest impending doom music, ever. Per the usual Jenny has no emotional
reaction at all.
Hellena calls Tina, and asks if she is feeling better. She says "same as
yesterday." She is hoping she'll see Tina later even though she nearly
maimed her. Tina asks if she still wants to see her. "You're coming over to
my house tonight." Tina says she isn't a toy she can play with when its
convenient. Also, she doesn't want to be labelled a hormonal raging lunatic.
Good then they will see each other later..
Jenny has come to interview him. Burr is kicking some guys ass in Lie Bing
Gay. He has some kind of pent up sexual preference issues. He tells his
sparring partner to go warm up the fun swing, and then he greets Jenny. That
first part wasn't true but I have a feeling about it. Jenny pouts, and then
cries about being torn down by the jugglies, by Carmen and Yoda. Carl hugs
her and they bond.
SoulPlanet a.k.a. Jungle Jive (for now)
Kit or Lara, rather, is preparing her dinner for TOES. TOES rings her to
cancel with some lamo excuse about his mama in law. Kit is devastated.
Dinner is off. The
lobsters throw up their claws in joy. Set them Free! Damn, Kit wants to
put them on the menu. Well isn't it cooked already? What if no one buys it
for weeks, are you just gonna zap it in the micro? Lobsters from Maine
aren't cheap, 150$ a piece.
Hellena has also prepared a lovely dinner for three. Tina has come by to
celebrate... um nothing really. Hellena cooked it all by herself. Tina
thinks, she doesn't deserve it. Hellena rubs her little fat piggies. Blah
Blah. Yuck, feet.
Ivan is there talking with other alkies. Kit comes in to say she is lonely
and needed to be around people she could talk to, that would understand. She
wanted the wine so bad, and quotes
Risky Business. She says "Fuck it." I'd rather not throw away my
soberness for that.
Mambo #5 Club
Ivan and Kit meet Ivan's super stripper girlfriend or boyfriend, I can't
tell, whom she's been seeing for five years. What? Wait. Kit says she can't
believe that she was trying to get with her and she was seeing someone the
whole time, Ivan says that she would have told her it wasn't working out.
Kit says no, she would have told her to Fuck off. No, fuck this. Porter out.
They are laying on the floor together. Flower thinks she's an idiot. All her
relationships fuck up. She thinks that maybe she doesn't deserve to be
happy. Burr lets Jenny know she is wrong, that everyone deserves to be
happy. Burr comes out to Jenny. He tells her he is part of the cocksucker
club. He lost the love of his life 20 years ago and he is alone now because
he was to damn scared to be happy. Ron Seabring, was his boyfriend and he
ruined his life by outing him to the tabloids. He also divulges that he will
have her killed if it gets out that he's not out. He isn't kidding.
Hellena shows Gaymo(m) around her new castle. She has Wilson's room done,
Jung Ying's room done, and Tina and Portard's room done. You know what? Fuck
fuck double fuck that shit. Tina is smitten. Everyone in this episode is
Casa de Despair
Bette is hanging her arty mobile in her version of Portard's room. She
really, really hopes that they will like it.
Dana is putting on the strap on in the bathroom. Bookworm wants to know what
in the world is talking so long, is it "like a miu miu thing where you don't
know where the straps go?". Does she not know what side it goes on? Dane
says "don't Laugh." She comes out and Al is like, "Fuck. Who's laughing?"
So all's well that ends well, right? 17 cigarettes and 5 Diet Dr. Peppers
later I'm done, its 4:00 am, and I am so dedicated. Then there's next weeks
episode, where the big ole pile of shit hits the industrial sized fan. Marky
mark takes down the cameras and reveals all to the girls, Flower confronts
them about their hidden feelings, 40 Love gets invited to speak at an Olivia
cruise, Al tags along and they re-enact a love boat scene, Papa Porter comes
into town and epiphanies his own real-life demise.
The end, enjoy next week. I'll see you in 2.
Comments? Praise? Criticism?