Look the seasons almost over, so that means we get to see some tongue action between Bette and Tina, and other things are starting to . Dude, I could watch that all day. Hey wait a minute. Get off my girlfriend, Tina! I'm pretty sure she isn't interested.

LA This Morning. Shower.
 Girl #1 gets out of the shower, and proceeds to the loo. Girl #2 says she needs to pee as well. So girl #2 gets on top of Girl #1. We pan up and, whoa its Jenny & Carmen, now in heated passion. Marky Mark has to pee and, his "back teeth are floating" says Shane. Shane knocks and knocks and knocks, but to no avail. Behind that door lies something so vile it will melt your eye sockets. Even though I warned Shaney, she didn't listen. Now it's all up in her grill. This has to be the least unexpected jolt of the day. Shane is smitten. Carmen and Jenny are smitten. I'm smitten. So she picks her jaw up and slams the door shut. She tells Mark to "use the bushes". He obliges, holding himself all the way.

Roll that beautiful gay footage.
I want new credits every time. That would be totally rad. I suggest Garbage. Shirley Manson can write like the dickens.

El Sleazo's Dirty Office
Mark has cut together some footage to show El Sleazo. He edited it so Jenny and Shane could introduce themselves accordingly. His "Journey" documentary has just begun. The title to his lovely doc is A Compendium of Lesbianism: Volume I. His initial observations tell him that lesbians talk about "everything". For an additional treat, we learn Carmen's last name is not finished with just de la Pica it is in fact, finished with Morales. He has interviewed 40 Love and Alice "bookworm" Pieszecki, as well as the his prodigal roommates. I have to add that Dana's hair is hideous. Marky Mark is pimping his documentary for the producer. He thinks he has a real chance to win at Sundance. El Sleazo is praying he is joking. There's no "pussy" thus far in this trailer, and he is not happy about it. He yells at Mark telling him he wants his advance money back pronto. He wants "hot lesbian sex and now"! Mark is in direct violation of his contract. Mark wants Gomer Pile to back him up because they have been buddies for a long time, but he just tells him to "eat a dick". Which is quite enticing. Not!

Sugar Shack
Bookworm is undressing Dana and inquiring minds want to know about the strap-on sex. 40 Love asks Al if she wants to "have her cake and eat her pussy to"? Also is this a bi-sexual thing, where she tries to make her a man by doing so? Alice says no it isn't a bi-sexual thing. But "many bonafide Lesbians find strapping it on, the ultimate way of fucking." That and it would be "really hot".

The Evil Lair
Count Hellena is arguing with Winnie Mann on the phone about the trial. She says she cant imagine how a judge would choose Winnie over herself to care for the children. Blah blah blah then she gives Winnie the ok to hang up on her. Tina is sleeping there now. Ew. Hellena asks her how she is this morning. Tina expresses her excitement for the ultrasound. Hellena wants to know when to pick her up. Tina is all, no, I'm taking Bette. Of course the Count disapproves. Hellena says its ok with her, which it isn't. She will call Tina when she is on her way over and they will go out for dinner. She turns to leave and then she evanesces. Don't we wish. I do love Jenny's dialogue, it slays me.

Kodak Theater
Shane and a random assistant, probably gay like everyone else in LA, walk toward the main house at the theater. She blahs about how her new employer is being shot like old style, and is like the most powerful woman in Hollywood. No it isn't Julia Roberts, it's Veronica Bloom. But, ole' Shaney didn't know that. Veronica is of course yelling and swearing per her usual. Shane doesn't look pleased to see her.

SoulPlanet
Kit and Bette talk about TOES and discuss what happens when he gets in town. He isn't staying with her, but in a hotel. Bette looks on sceptically, as often she does. Kits all "you think I'm a fuckup don't you?" Bette says no, she is very proud of her for turning her life around, but doesn't want to see Kit as the one to get hurt in the end. Lara has ordered lobsters from Maine, I sure hope they don't mind travelling so far just to die. Kit is letting everyone else prepare the lovely dinner for her and TOES, except herself. Anyways, Bette is going to the ultrasound now, Kit wants her to bring back a x-ray picture of the baby. Bette's outfit rocks!

Kodak Theater
Veronica aka Bitchcakes has hired Shane to do her hair. The following dialogue ensues.

Bitchcakes: Cover of the NY Times magazine, heh heh heh. Pretty good huh, Shane?
Shaney: Yeah, it's pretty great. I don't know why you requested me though.
Bitchcakes: You do hair don't you? Apparently, that's your life's ambition.
Shaney: Don't fuck with me Veronica.
Bitchcakes: How am I fucking with you when I offer you the world on a silver platter? What's so wrong with seeing the potential in somebody, and giving them the chance to prove themselves? Did I underestimate you Shane, or did I mistake you for a person of substance?
Shaney: No, I think you mistook me for one of your little tricks, who would let you slap her around and be grateful for the privilege of taking your shit.
Bitchcakes: Ooh, are we getting to some core issues here Shane?
Shaney: Fuck you.
Bitchcakes: What about the possibility, that maybe I'm right about you? That you really are better then this life you're living.
Shaney: Veronica, listen to what I'm saying to you. I have no magic and there is no mojo, so whatever it is you think you are looking for, it doesn't exist. Ok?
Bitchcakes: Then why don't you do my fucking hair?
Shaney: No thank you.

Le Couture Restaurant
Bernhard and Jenny blah about her excessive compulsiveness to be a nit picker. She also thinks she and Burr, are too good for one another. He could use some literary pediculosis though. Jenny replies with "Ew." Which I don't know why he'd want that either. Bernhard thinks non-fiction may be her metier. That is why she wants her to work with that guy from Ghost. Carl/Burr enters, and greets them.

Swingin' Sex Shop
40 Love and Al talk about their strap on sales associate. They are trying to figure out the size, I think. Sales lady says per finger is by inch. There is also a variety of colors, names, and sizes. King Kong and T-Rex are the size of a baseball bat, and the other the size of my thigh. They also come in camo, "in case you are screwing in a war zone" quoteth Dana. One of them even has hairy balls. They come with a suction cup to put on the hotel window. Dana picks up a butt plug unknowingly. Sales rep, says we got a new lube in but Al is allergic to strawberries. Dana sees someone she knows and leaves the shop zipped up like the invisible man.

Dr. OB Wan
B and T see their baby. And we start repeating lines again. Is that our baby? Is that our baby? "That's your baby." "That's our baby." Bette holds Tina's hand. And they stare into the x-ray thingy.

Le Couture Restaurant
Carl doesn't want to work with Jenny, because he doesn't want his hypothetical gayness to get out. Carl has won many lawsuits for being accused of queerness. Burr tells Bernhard to fuck off, kisses her goodbye and leaves. Outside Jenny goes on a rant about coming out, she agrees with his look- at -all -the -non gay- actors- today, theory. I think Jenny is a hippy. She starts conversations with "look, man". I'm thinking Flower, would be a great hippy moniker. Carl drives a Jag, awesome. I like him. He's cool. He says if you still feel like working on the book be at his pad at 8:30 tomorrow night.

Raging Hormonal Apartment
Tina says thank you for being there today, to Bette. Flashdance tells T she loved being there. She loved it more then she can imagine. Gaymo says "Come hither". They hug and sniff each other. I'm not sure but, this represents doggy style in more ways then one. They breathe heavy and rub on each others faces, then they have no other choice but to kiss like they just met. Jennifer Beals rocked the house on the emotional level, in this scene. Gaymo takes of Bette's really cute jacket, then they pet and breathe hard some more. They move into the bedroom, where for the whole scene, I think to myself that if this is a dream, what a cruel joke that would be. The chemistry of these two just can't get any better. Tina has Bette touch her in the good spot, only it sounds to me like maybe she got pierced or something, cuzz Bette is floored by whatever is down there. They do it forever, I think. It appears to me that Tina is in control during all this. Then the dudes on the crew count down to the big O, and they of course, O at the same time. I am soooo koo koo for cocoa puffs right now. So much so, that I will now refer to B & T as such, from now on.

Starship Voyeur
Yoda is cutting Mark's fro. He thinks it looks dykish, and Shane says "join the club." He likes it though. He wants to know what that Bitchcakes wanted from her. He wanted to pitch his idea for his project to her. In walks Eva Longoria 2.0 she needs to talk to Shane about some stuff. Mark takes off. He is now watching them on camera 1. Carmen lectures that she knows something is going on with her. She asks why it's so hard for her to be around her and Jenny Flower. She asks Shane, to look at her. The fact that she is working hard to keep a relationship away from her is not working, because she has a heart, and that's rare. Shane says "So what". So what happens if you don't act on it. That's why she is with Jenny Flower, because they are biding their time till they find the real deal. She also says that Jenny Flower "wouldn't know the real deal if it bit her in the ass, she is so lost in her own darkness that I think she likes it there." Meanwhile Marky Mark watches astonished, by the knowledge of Carmen de la Pica Morales.

Raging Hormonal House
Bette is leaving, but Tina wants her to know she doesn't want the encounter to mess everything up, they are doing so good. Bette agrees and they kiss goodbye.

Skid Row Shack Camera 1
Carmen wants Yoda to take risks. Mark says "Fuck me."

Tina's
Hellena comes over and an episode of when animals attack comes to mind, she just wants to fuck all night. Hellena is like, whoa nelly calm down, I think your pregnancy hormones are on full blast. She doesn't think she likes this behavior. Tina says maybe its because she wants an audience or maybe she doesn't like her apartment. So she invites her neighbors over. She really wants her to stay. Hellena says maybe its your hormones. Tina is flipping out saying "am I not allowed to have feelings either?" Hellena says "Winnie was the same way". T says oh "look at you and Winnie now". So on that note Hellena shoots out of there like a rocket. Tina can't understand what the hell just happened. You and me both, woman.

Dr. Freud's
Bette is discussing her, sexual encounter of the wow kind, with T. Bette asks him whether or not she fucked things up by doing the dirty with T. He is classic psychiatrist and answers a question with a question "do you think you fucked it up?" I Could give you the long ass spiel but for the short version I will say, Bette doesn't know if she wants to get back together with her, and adds that the sex was fucking amazing. Like she had her life back for just one second, but also sad, because she thinks T doesn't need her anymore. He asks her if she thinks Tina's independence is a good thing. She says yes, of course.

Swingin' Sex Shop
Dana looks on to conquer the mountain, that is the strap on. She looks on confidently and enters with courage. She will fuck Al, good.

Skid Row Shack
Flower is looking for Mark, she needs the Carl/Burr DVDs back. She looks at all of his equipment and finds a tape labelled, Yoda / Eva love confession. So she watches it. There is this annoying xylophone thing going on, doo dee doo dee doo dee doo dee. The whole time.

CAC of Wickedness
Bette is going over some of Ellen/Allyn Barnes art. Hellena comes in a says that she doesn't want money to come in between any creative decisions. She wants to hear Bette's presentation so far. Bette is like no, I'm not going to tell you. So Hellena just sits there. Bette has happy helper humor her with some other thing.

During all this we cut back to Jenny Flower watching the tape of Carmen talking to Shane. Doo dee doo dee doo dee doo dee, literally this is the shittiest impending doom music, ever. Per the usual Jenny has no emotional reaction at all.

Phone Convo
Hellena calls Tina, and asks if she is feeling better. She says "same as yesterday." She is hoping she'll see Tina later even though she nearly maimed her. Tina asks if she still wants to see her. "You're coming over to my house tonight." Tina says she isn't a toy she can play with when its convenient. Also, she doesn't want to be labelled a hormonal raging lunatic. Good then they will see each other later..

Carl/Burr's
Jenny has come to interview him. Burr is kicking some guys ass in Lie Bing Gay. He has some kind of pent up sexual preference issues. He tells his sparring partner to go warm up the fun swing, and then he greets Jenny. That first part wasn't true but I have a feeling about it. Jenny pouts, and then cries about being torn down by the jugglies, by Carmen and Yoda. Carl hugs her and they bond.

SoulPlanet a.k.a. Jungle Jive (for now)
Kit or Lara, rather, is preparing her dinner for TOES. TOES rings her to cancel with some lamo excuse about his mama in law. Kit is devastated. Dinner is off. The lobsters throw up their claws in joy. Set them Free! Damn, Kit wants to put them on the menu. Well isn't it cooked already? What if no one buys it for weeks, are you just gonna zap it in the micro? Lobsters from Maine aren't cheap, 150$ a piece.

Evil Lair
Hellena has also prepared a lovely dinner for three. Tina has come by to celebrate... um nothing really. Hellena cooked it all by herself. Tina thinks, she doesn't deserve it. Hellena rubs her little fat piggies. Blah Blah. Yuck, feet.

AA Meeting
Ivan is there talking with other alkies. Kit comes in to say she is lonely and needed to be around people she could talk to, that would understand. She wanted the wine so bad, and quotes Risky Business. She says "Fuck it." I'd rather not throw away my soberness for that.

Mambo #5 Club
Ivan and Kit meet Ivan's super stripper girlfriend or boyfriend, I can't tell, whom she's been seeing for five years. What? Wait. Kit says she can't believe that she was trying to get with her and she was seeing someone the whole time, Ivan says that she would have told her it wasn't working out. Kit says no, she would have told her to Fuck off. No, fuck this. Porter out.

Carl/Burr's
They are laying on the floor together. Flower thinks she's an idiot. All her relationships fuck up. She thinks that maybe she doesn't deserve to be happy. Burr lets Jenny know she is wrong, that everyone deserves to be happy. Burr comes out to Jenny. He tells her he is part of the cocksucker club. He lost the love of his life 20 years ago and he is alone now because he was to damn scared to be happy. Ron Seabring, was his boyfriend and he ruined his life by outing him to the tabloids. He also divulges that he will have her killed if it gets out that he's not out. He isn't kidding.

Evil Lair
Hellena shows Gaymo(m) around her new castle. She has Wilson's room done, Jung Ying's room done, and Tina and Portard's room done. You know what? Fuck fuck double fuck that shit. Tina is smitten. Everyone in this episode is speechless.

Casa de Despair
Bette is hanging her arty mobile in her version of Portard's room. She really, really hopes that they will like it.

Sugar Shack
Dana is putting on the strap on in the bathroom. Bookworm wants to know what in the world is talking so long, is it "like a miu miu thing where you don't know where the straps go?". Does she not know what side it goes on? Dane says "don't Laugh." She comes out and Al is like, "Fuck. Who's laughing?"

So all's well that ends well, right? 17 cigarettes and 5 Diet Dr. Peppers later I'm done, its 4:00 am, and I am so dedicated. Then there's next weeks episode, where the big ole pile of shit hits the industrial sized fan. Marky mark takes down the cameras and reveals all to the girls, Flower confronts them about their hidden feelings, 40 Love gets invited to speak at an Olivia cruise, Al tags along and they re-enact a love boat scene, Papa Porter comes into town and epiphanies his own real-life demise.

The end, enjoy next week. I'll see you in 2.

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