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:: L O Y A L ::
Ep. 208
By The Sci-Fi Bard


Okay, soooooo, yet another fortnight's gone, BUT this one was way nicer than the last, as it included a visit from my lovely girlfriend (who, for the purposes of this review, I shall name Luscious Lucy *weg*)
I've easily managed to convert her into a die-hard L Word fan, by cunning use of my season 1 DVD box set and downloaded eps of season 2! HURRAH!, and now she gets that rabid-lesbian look in her eyes whenever I mention a new ep, or doing my recap, or even just mentioning the word "Shane".
But that's just fine by me, as y'see, we came to an agreement - SHE gets Shane, and I get to have Carmen all to my lil ole self! Ahhh bliss!

And speaking of bliss, I do hope this is a Jenny-lite episode......

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

~FADE UP ON~

What sounds like a terribly dramatic, Spanish/Mexican choral and strings arrangement of The L Word theme.
(Oh good grief, I hope that means it's not gonna go all 'arty-farty' ALREADY! *rolls eyes*)

But NO! We see a dark hillside of rock, where two men and a woman in wild west garb are trudging up and up slowly higher.
(PLEASE! If there is ANY god at all, no matter WHAT religion she turns out to be, PLEASE don't let this be some more of Jenny's godawful 'creative imagining'.....)

The ruggedly handsome men spout trite Old West talk, then the woman strides up and spouts a feisty blend of the same, and.....

CUT!

Turns out it's actually a movie being made. *breathes a non-Schecter-esque sigh of relief*

on location with Burr Connor 1985, Lone Pine, California

Oh god no. NOT a return to the godawfulness that was the Season 1 flashbacks at the start of every ep!
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

The movie people mill about, extras walk around, and we happen upon a Winnebago that's a-rockin!
However, Burr Connor (remember, from last week? He's the 80' action movie star that Sandra Bernhard wants Jenny to help write his memoirs....) obviously doesn't know the rule about 'not comin' a-knocking', and lets himself straight into the trailer to see what's going on. (Or rather, who's doing who!)

Turns out it's Burr's co-stars in the picture who's getting it on with ANOTHER GUY! *oh my! pass me the smelling salts mother!* Burr is not best pleased on seeing this and wades in, grabs the guy currently banging his co-star and throws him - ALL KINDSA nekkid - unceremoniously out the door!

I feel Kudos must go here, to the actor or stuntman who played the co-star-banger, as I'm sure that being thrown out of a trailer onto wet tarmac whilst wearing no clothing for protection CANNOT be a pleasant gig!

Burr confronts his co-star, challenging him that he can't trust that Nekkid Guy won't yap to the papers about him being an "ass-bandit".
And there was me thinking an Ass Bandit was a kind of chocolate biscuit....... tsk tsk.

~FADE UP ON~

.......opening titles.......

"this is the way that we, way that we liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiive, and loooooooooooooooooove!"

Yep, I'm actually lovin the music now :-(
Yep, I'm STILL despising the visuals though. Blech.

~FADE UP ON~

Alice spooning Dana in bed.
Awwww bless! That's just how me and my girl wake up most mornings we're together ;-)
*passes round the barf bag just in case*

The adorable pair smooch and snuggle until Dana realises it's MONDAY and not SUNDAY, and that they both have a life to be living outside of their bedroom and various sexual positions. Alice has her KCRW radio show thing the next day and hasn't prepared a THING, whilst Dana hasn't done any training etc.

***BTW, HUGE news here folks! As the casts' names are coming up on screen through this scene, we see one we have been missing since Season 1!!!!!!!!!!

YES! THERE IS A GAWD! LAUREN LEE SMITH IS BACK! VIVA LA LARA!
On a lesser joyful note, Guin Turner is also stated as guest starring. Hmmmm, oh dear, more Deveaux (imdb.com saves my ass yet again, this time with Gabby's surname *weg*)

Meanwhile, back in Dana/Alice land (what'dya reckon? Shall I christen them DaLice or AlDana? *g*) Alice wracks her brains for a suitable subject to use in her radio show audition. Dana slyly comes up with the tongue-in-cheek (tres Rikki Lake-eqsue) topic:

"People who ruin their lives cause they can't stop having sex?"

An adorably bed-haired Alice, with shiny Apple laptop in one hand, (mines a Toshiba Satellite - it don't need to be shiny to kick ass!) tells her she's not helping, so her girlfriend offers to go put some coffee on, gives her a kiss and tells her to get to work.

Ok, I know those two are adorable, but c'mon - Leisha and Erin's chemistry and comedy timing is just 'genius'. ;-)

~CUT TO~

Sex-On-Legs-Shane, seen on one of Camcorder Guy's monitors, standing in her room, looking at her black eye/reflection in a handheld mirror.
I particularly like the music played over this scene. Nice and raw with an edge to it. Very Shane.

The shot pans across and of course we see Camcorder Guy watching Sex-On-Legs, examine her eye.
He has his head leant on one hand and the expression on his face is very intense. Like someone studying something - which is, in effect, what he is doing with Shane. I'm not altogether sure about Mark and his true motives yet, but I'd like to see more interaction between him and Shane. Besides, she could do with another pal. I know she has a bunch of close friends, but Sex-On-Legs often looks rather alone, even in company. Hmmmm....

~CUT TO~

OOOOH! *rubs hands in glee*
Tina (still unsure what nickname to give her folks - any ideas? None with the words Spineless or Doormat in though please *weg*) comes into The Planet to meet with Bette! *listens to all the BeTTina fans cheering*

Poor Bette tells her ex she's thinking of going back to therapy.
Tina thinks she means for them both, but she points out she actually means for HERSELF.
Tina looks pleasantly surprised and thinks that's a great idea.
Wow. Could the power-dressing-alpha-female, CAC top cat have been genuinely doing some introspective thinking lately?
Therapy is such a good idea.
I've done it myself (and I don't even live in the States - where I believe it's compulsory from the age of 2 upwards or 6 months upwards if you live in Hollywood....), and I highly highly recommend it! Gives you insight into yourself, life, the people around you etc. Things you thought were cruddy turn out to be not so bad, and so many things can be put into perspective.

I think if Poor Bette had therapy, she would become a much calmer, more pleasant person to be around.
Let's keep our collected Sapphic fingers crossed shall we folks ;-)

Poor Bette asks Tina if she can just say one thing, and the following unfolds:

T: you can say anything you want...
B: no I can't. You've made it clear that you don't exactly wanna hear what I have to say right now, and that's fine......
but I..........
I never got to say how happy I am for you........
for us.
T: I'm glad you're happy. It should be your happiness too.
Let's just focus on being really good parents
~both laugh nervously, in relief~
It'll be a new kind of partnership for us.

Then they raise their cups to that sentiment and toast their brand new partnership. It's so nice to see them both smiling again. It really is!

The scene is very well acted by both women and you can tell their characters are just skirting round each other, being awkward with their newfound friendship, but still being careful with their emotions. It's one of the best acted, scripted and written scenes in the series so far IMHO. Moments like these mean we are allowed to SEE what fine actresses Laurel and Jennifer are.

More please! :-)

~CUT TO~

The Hotness That Is Carmen and *yawn* Jenny walking down the road.
Jenny is going on about her writing teacher pushing her with her work and Hot-Carmen comes up with the idea that Jenny has a crush on Ms Bernhard and mocks that she should "go for it!". Hmmmm..... (I'd much rather she was sucking face with Sandra that with Sarah! *weg*)
Jenny brushes that off and they stop outside The Planet, just as Helena drives up in a RATHER Austin Powers type car.
I tell you folks, Helena IS Austin Powers! You'll see! It's only a matter of time before she loses her mojo and starts playing tonsil hockey with Elizabeth Hurley.....

Hot Carmen thinks Jenny WANTS her to be jealous.
Jenny nods, and they kiss.
Hot Carmen then adds "If you think about fucking her (Ms Bernhard) I will kill you"
At that sentiment, Jenny starts trying to virtually climb inside Hot-Carmen's mouth!
I want to say 'EWWWW!', but actually, the two of them kissing in this scene is pretty hot!

Oh Jenny Jenny Jenny. She'll only break your heart luv, and then you'll be even more weird and messed up than you were last season! Sheesh! We all know who Hot Carmen REALLY has the pash for.......

~CUT BACK TO~

Poor Bette and Tina talking about the first sonogram appointment, and who Tina would like Poor Bette to be there.
Annnnd in walks Helena to ruin the friendly mood.
I'm starting to expect the music that accompanied the Wicked Witch Of The West in The Wizard Of Oz to play every time she enters the room. *rolls eyes*

Helena has come to steal Tina away as they are going Real Estate hunting. The way Helena says it, (using words like "us" etc) it sounds like THEY are going house hunting. Tina clarifies by mentioning that "Helena" wants to rent a house in L.A., saving me at the last moment from having to add another "Poor", to Poor Bette!

Peabody Jnr then bemoans the state of where she is currently staying, reeling off things like people offering her "blow" in every corridor, and movie scripts being shoved at her all the time etc.

How simply appalling for her....
*wonders if we could pay one of those drug dealers to bump her off...*

Tina, being herded out of The Planet by Helena, reminds Poor Bette she'll see her at their appointment and mentions she'll call her too. Perhaps there's a glimmer of hope for Poor Bette after all, even though her ex has just left with her nemesis!

~CUT TO~

Camcorder Guy and Gormless Gomey touting their 'work' to some sleazy guy in his office.
We can tell the guy is sleazy, because he subtly informs the pair that he "needs pussy we can smell and taste" (don't we all!) on film (don't we all! *weg*).
Of course Mark has a little of that, but he also has considerably more of Shane doing this, Shane feeling that etc, so he tries to explain that he's not just making a skin flick, but much much more than that, and compares it to journalists infiltrating Mosques.

Er.....I've heard better metaphors. But I do get his gist I suppose.

It is at this point, with the episode paused on my laptop screen, that I notice the mug sitting on Sleazy Guy's desk, just under the email I'm writing this in. Said mug is white, and actually has a BRA on. Yes folks, bra with a red silk cup trimmed with black lace. As far as I can see, this mug has only the ONE booby, but still, mugs with tits and sexy lingerie! What is the world coming to! *weg* (Someone should design a range of jugs like that! Geddit!? Jugs, with jugs ON? *weg*)

anyhoo.....

Sleazy Guy is obviously not interested in documentaries or anything other than skin, so Gormless Gomey enthusiastically jumps in and offers, "we'll cut you something together, and it will be DRIPPING with hot lesbian pussy, won't it dude?" to which Mark finally caves and agrees reluctantly to cut something together.

Marky Mark Mark. You're an enigma, wrapped in a puzzle, wrapped in a Blues Brothers suit my friend.

As for Gomey, I firmly believe he was most likely fashioned out of that little bit of dross left at the bottom of the evolutionary gene pool, after the very last plant, insect and mouldy fungus was finished off. I'm surprised he's not actually filmed in 2D, like his brothers in arms, Beavis and Butthead.

~CUT TO~

The Helenator (as I've taken to calling Peabody Jnr) and Tina being shown into a rather lovely house (non-USA residents: for 'house', read 'mansion') by the Realtor/Estate Agent. According to Realtor Guy, it's seemingly owned by someone whose "mediocre movies" (according to The Helenator) include Hannibal and Freddie Vs Jason.
Now, being that I'm very thorough (and of course, incredibly anal), I did a search on trusty IMDB.com and there's NO ONE to connect those two movies. One was directed by Ridley Scott, the other by Ronny Yu. So, that remark by Realtor Guy was either A) sloppy research, B) was thought to be too throwaway a line to warrant research, OR, C) I guess it could've been deliberate, so that Monica Geller-eqsue people like myself would look into the facts and come up with an anomaly ;-)

Oh and btw, that drink needs a coaster under it, and the telephone pen is missing again.

Anyhoo, Tina goes to look around the house and The Helenator sends her off with a lusty smooch right in front of Realtor Guy, then uses the word "behemoth" in conversation with him. Only she pronounces it funny, so instead of being impressed, I simply smirk at The Helenator and watch as.....

~CUT TO~

Dana. Pumping iron.
Cue my heart doing little back flips and my lions doing squat thrusts.
MMmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!

She's sitting on the bed, doing reps with dumbbells (hey! I have some of those! Why the frick don't I look like Dana does!!!??? - oh yeah, cause I don't ever actually use them anymore....*grumbles*)
Next to her, Alice puts on a ridiculous newsreader voice and reads aloud from what she's written so far for her radio audition.
Dana carries on exercising, and my loins keep on thrusting as she makes little comments and constructive criticisms about what her lover is reading out. It's all very natural and very funny and very DaAlice ;-)

~CUT BACK TO~


Our Tina looking around the maaaaaaaahuuusive (for the ignorant among you, that's my new word for "very big") house.
She stops in one lovely room, with many high windows and The Helenator catches up with her.

The Helenator then says (of the house)
"Well, it's a little vulgar....but it's amusing...."
and we all, as one, shout at our screens,
"But ENOUGH already about YOU, tell us what you think of the HOUSE!"
*weg*

Tina, in reply asks simply, "Could you live like this?", which patently for The Helenator, is some sort of secret code for 'take me on the table here and now!'.
With Tina lifted to sit on the table, The Helenator proceeds to do her stuff and breathlessly asks her "Could YOU live like this?". (I could. As long as there was plenty of iced Pepsi and a variety of cheeses. But I digress.....)
The steamy moment is only interrupted by Realtor Guy happening upon them and innocently mentioning about "the closets".....

Ok, call me a fool here (shut up! It's a rhetorical question, as you all well know! *g*) but methinks The Helenator loves taking Tina whenever and wherever she likes. Not that Tina seems to be complaining mind you. But then, the woman does seem to lack a backbone of any kind....

~CUT TO~

Sex-On-Legs-Shane leaving the house, looking rather incognito in a long black coat and dark glasses.
Camcorder Guy catches her and enquires where she's going. Seems she does STILL work as a hairdresser occasionally, when she's not being chased around by Crazy Bitch Producers in limos or having eye/fist encounters with burly bouncers in bars.

Mark enquires how her eye is, and mentions he's been worried about her.
Awwww bless his lil cotton socks! ;-)

I just can't decide whether Camcorder Guy has the hots for Shane, has a baaaaad case of hero-worship for Shane, or if he genuinely is just fascinated with this mysterious, cool creature she so obviously is.
We shall see I guess.....

~CUT TO~

Him walking back into his studio room, where Gormless is going through all their tape footage so far, trying to find (no doubt) some girl-on-girl ACKSHION! *rolls eyes*

Gomey sagely offers that all the footage they have of the women sitting around talking is "mostly just crap man....they ain't doin' nothin' but talkin'.......sometimes they eat...." If he was wearing overalls with one strap come loose, and has a corn stalk dangling out of his mouth, he wouldn't be out of place right now.

Mark accurately observes, "what? do you think that lesbians just fuck ALL the time?!" (I can personally vouch for him being correct there! Me and my girlfriend can often be found breathing in AND out, and playing Uno from time to time, as well as doing the nasty *g*)

Gormless bemoans that fact, and wishes they did, as they'd have some footage to earn money with! Then he chances upon the shots we saw earlier in this ep, of Sex-On-Legs examining her face in the handheld mirror.
Gomey, being Gormless, asks incredulously, "what the fuck is this man!?", to which Mark sees what he's been viewing and comes over, chucking him off the screens and accusing him of being nosey etc.

Gomey, who obviously was playing hooky the day they handed out brains, starts ragging on Mark, about how he's obviously hung up on Shane, even though she's a "total les", and wouldn't look at him twice etc. (Btw, don't you think Total Les would be a great name for a new lesbian magazine? Mag editors, take note!)

Gormless goes one step too far though, when he accuses Camcorder Guy of sitting watching the Shane footage every night while jacking off to it.
At that, Mark snaps and grabs him, hurling him to the floor.
Gomey is understandably miffed, as his best friend is 'turning' on him over a girl he obviously can never have, and goes on a rant about how seeing that Mark has a somewhat real pecker, he's disqualified from entering the ShaneRace.

He storms off in his little Neanderthal hissy fit, leaving Mark to stare at Shane on the screen again, head resting on fist, totally lost in his subject matter.

~CUT TO~

Poor Bette sitting working in her office at the CAC.
Ok, so I know it stands for California Arts Center, but here's a fun game you can all play, (perhaps whenever Jenny arrives on screen) make up alternative titles for it! *g* My best effort so far is the Crap Art Collection. ;-) Let's see you do better....

Her office door (slides - that really is annoying, unless there's the Star Trek door noise to accompany it!) opens and in walks her boss with Leo Herrera. The actor who plays Leo is far far far too gorgeous to be an actor, and should really consider becoming a male model, or perhaps my sex slave for whenever I'm feeling all hetro ;-)

He happily announces that "Helena Peabody is going to be joining the CAC steering committee..."
Poor Bette must be considering the darned Helenator just might be her own personal demon, and asks, bewildered,

"WHAT?"

Seemingly The Helenator will be coming to board meetings, helping things along and generally sanding down the cross to crucify Poor Bette on.
The Helenator will also seemingly be bringing along Alan Barnes.
(I think he says "Alan Barnes", then it sounds like Bette says "Ellen Barnes"! Someone throw me a bone here people!)
The rest of their conversation in pretty standard: Poor Bette can't get a look in, Leo has everything covered etc, and then off to two men trot, leaving Poor Porter to dwell in her rapidly gathering Peabody-induced blue funk.

So much so, that in a hilarious twist, she reaches down into her desk drawer and pulls out - most of us will have been expecting a bottle of Absolut Vodka or something akin to that, but no.... - A CHOCOLATE BAR!!!!! Which she promptly chows down on!
LMAO! That one teeny moment was just priceless, comedy-wise, and also loaded with pathos as well. :-)
Plus, it also shows how Bette is changing! Think a few weeks back, and it would've been Tantrum City after Leo left her office, with phones being thrown, hissys being fitted and everything!

The Maturing Of Bette Porter. I'd buy a copy of that ;-)

~CUT BACK TO~

The Helenator and Tina being shown round another house.
This one is seemingly a beach house, and Tina mentions Bette actually saw it in a Architectural Digest, as the quintessential California beach house.
OOOH she's quoting her ex! :-)

Realtor Guy is extolling the property's virtues when The Helenator gets a call on her mobile, so Tina and Realtor pop down the stairs to check out the kitchen, while the posh British Bitch lays into her lawyer (?), ordering him to sort out getting her children to live with HER and not their other mommy. I'm no expert, but I'd say the way she acts on the phone could be considered a minor hissy fit ;-)

How quaint. As one Alpha Female learns how to roll with the blows, the other is acting like a spoilt brat.
Interesting.....

Finished with her call, The Annoyed Helenator comes over and enquires chirpily down the stairwell of Tina, "Do we like it?"
When Tina replies it's "spectacular", The Helenator doesn't even bat an eyelid, and tells Realtor Guy she'll move in tomorrow!

GEES LOUISE! Talk about your impulse buys! LOL!

~CUT TO~


Helenator's ex, Winnie Mann, with kids in tow, on Bette's doorstep.
She's not loaded like her ex, so can't afford a nanny, hence the kids tagging along, but Poor Bette is fine with that and invites them all in :-)
Only to have Mr Helenator Jnr Jnr run over and start messing with Bette's prize Richard Prince piece (jars, with stuff in em, lit well - nuff said), but to her credit, Ms Porter handles the situation very well and calmly.
Methinks our Bette will make a great mom :-) Bless!

In order to get the kids AWAY from the expensive artwork, Poor Bette suggests swimming, much to the kids delight! However, Ms Mann doesn't swim (oooh that's dangerous! Take lessons soon woman!) and so asks Bette to go in with the kids, to which Bette awkwardly agrees.

~CUT TO~

DaAlice on the couch at home. Dana's watching a cookery show and Alice is still working on her radio piece.
And the whole scene reminds me so much of me and my girlfriend - of how we sit together, yet doing separate things - that I mist up for a minute, cause I start missing her again. Well, I never really stop missing her, but hey.....

And Alice and Dana type relationship is JUST what TV in general needs right now with regards to lesbian couples IMHO.
Sure, there was the brief fun of Alex and Marissa on The O.C., but we all know how THAT ended. And then I have to think as far back as Willow and Tara on Buffy The Vampire Slayer for a cute, funny, sweet gay relationship between two pretty ordinary women on TV! Y'know, an everyday kind of love that we can all identify with without being beaten over the head with lipstick lesbianism and ratings grabbing etc

It's nice, Alice and Dana, innit :-)

Just then, Alice reaches over and mutes the TV so she can read her lover what she's got so far.
However, Dana isn't very impressed, as what she's got so far isn't "funny". She tells her partner she's funny and that's one of the things she loves most about her, and rightly so, cause Alice is usually a scream in this show! ;-)

Erin Daniels is so cute in that shot that I just wanna reach in my laptop screen and kiss her till Sunday! But I don't, cause I'm a good girl.......

Alice, cutely, is a bit miffed at being labelled "funny" and not "intellectual and incisive" and sulks some, until Dana takes her pen and pad off her, moves her legs so she's between them and announces "it makes me SO hot when you're angry...."
To which, Alice gets all playful too and starts the following conversation:

A: "You're TOTALLY 'Topping' me again!"
D: "I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you through the feathers, Pillow Queen!"
A: Have you always been a 'Top'?
D: I'm NOT a 'Top'
A: Yeah you are
D: nu-huh
A: yeah you are
D: no I'm not!
A: YES you are!

Then Dana, who has been kneeling, mock-missionary-position-esque between Alice's legs all this time, having fun rocking her hips, falls forward over her lover and braces herself there on her arms.

A: Y'know what I want you to do?

Dana leans in close to Alice then, as the other woman whispers,

A: I want you to fuck me REALLY hard with a strap on.

It is then that my brain overloads with puns, comments and personal anecdotes! So much so, that I nearly miss Dana's unsure reply of:

D: I don't know if I can do that
A: But you're doing it right now without even using one....

However, it only takes mere seconds of encouragement from Alice, before Dana has caved and agreed to it, which prompts another make out session for the two lovebirds!
OOOH GOODY!!!! *rubs hands in fiendish glee*

I hope there aren't many Hot Carmen/Sex-On-Legs-Shane scenes in this ep as well, or I may just have to go see a small man in an even smaller canoe about some much needed business! *weg*

I could comment more about that Alice/Dana scene of course, but I fear my laptop screen may melt, so onwards I press!

~CUT TO~

Poor Bette, playing with Helenators progeny in her pool. :-)
Utterly adorable! You can almost imagine Tina sitting on a recliner nearby, sunning herself. Almost.

To cut a long story short, Winnie wants Bette to appear as a character witness AGAINST Helena in her court case over the kids. Phew, that's a toughie! :-/
Bette, quite rightly, is torn - there's nothing she'd like more than to see Peabody Jnr smushed in a Court of law - BUT, there's the teeny Tina matter of not getting on the bad side of the woman whose heart she recently broke.

Tricky.......

But did I mention Bette, with the adorable, and the kids?! :-)

~CUT TO~


The Hotness That Is Carmen, walking down the hallway at Shane and Jenny's.
Not knowing she's there, Sex-On-Legs goes to step out of her doorway, but immediately retreats back into her bedroom quicker than you can say "McCutcheon!" on seeing the other woman.

Being that Hot Carmen isn't BLIND, she sees this, and rolls her eyes, then decides to have it out and goes into Shane's room after her.
Sex-On-Legs still has her shades on, for obvious reasons and tries to be evasive, picking up her keys so she can go. But Hot Carmen having none of that, and grabs the keys, chucking them across the room! The Hotness That Is Carmen then goes to remove Shane's sunglasses and eventually manages to, therefore seeing the damage done to the other woman's face last week on the show.

Clearly shocked at what she sees, she's all concern and anger:

"Oh my god! Oh my god! Shane, who did this?
WHO did this to you? I will fucking KILL them!"

Shane cuts her off there though, with the barbed retort of:

"YOU did it...."

Carmen just stares at her, exasperated. Then says "Fuck you...", turns and tries to leave the room.
Shane grabs her arm at the last minute and makes her stay, thank goodness, apologising, cause that was a "fucked up thing to say". Carmen thinks they should talk about it, but Shane doesn't want that. She just wants to forget whatever was just said between the two, and to go back to just being friends.

She's quite convincing, but Carmen is no fool, and asks, imploring, "is that what you REALLY want?"
"Really, a lot..." Shane answers, with as much conviction as she can muster, and with that she's opening her door and prompting the other woman to leave.
Which she does.
But even as she does, there is more tension and chemistry between the two than a thousand Jenny's could manage in a million lifetimes!

A line comes to me then, from that hoary old flick, Claire Of The Moon, with Claire intoning, "It takes HEAT for that Noel......HEAT!"

And boy oh boy, do Shane and Carmen sizzle.
Mmmmmmmmmm.

~CUT BACK TO~

Poor Bette, back indoors, post-swim, talking with Winnie some more, as the kids eat dinner in the background.
The Helenator's erstwhile other half bemoans her to Poor Bette, who bemoans her straight back!
Bette even asks her why she was with her. Turns out Helena swept into town one day and before you could say 'loose change!' she'd underwritten Winnie's new play. Winnie even mentions that Helena's in the business of making people's dreams come true! Oh what money can't buy. At least, on the surface.

And then it hits me.

THAT'S what Helena Peabody IS!

She's a SugarMommy!

She simply wafts into town, throws her money around - which usually gets people to like her - and then pitches a fit when she doesn't get her own way. She's a jumped up, spoilt, rich bitch sugar mommy, and she will NEVER have a meaningful, long-lasting relationship with ANYONE, because she just cannot know the 'true value' of things. And I don't mean in MONEY. I mean, she doesn't have to TRY. She doesn't have to put her feelings on the line for anything or anyone. If she doesn't get what she wants, she'll just throw money at it till she does. It's as simple as that!

Helena Peabody doesn't live in the 'real' world like the rest of us, and it's THEN that I realise there is more than a mere glimmer of hope for Bette and Tina, because even though Bette has her major share of flaws, she, at least, KNOWS you can't buy love.
It has to be earned. And how can you possibly earn something when everything is given to you on a silver platter?

Winnie then gives Bette a kickass piece of advice about her ex:

"It drives her CRAZY when you DON'T react.
So she'll bait and bait and bait, and if you just DON'T take it....." *cue Winnie Wink*

Our David now has her ammunition to use against Goliath.
May the best woman win ;-)

~CUT TO~

Jenny and Hot Carmen making out on the couch (EEEEW! MY EYES! MY EYEEEEES!), as Camcorder Guy comes in and sits down next to.
The TV is on and they've been watching the movie that was featured being made at the start of this ep.

During the course of the conversation the two women stop making out *relief floods every pore* and tell Mark that Jenny will be helping Burr write his memoirs.

Turns out our Camcorder Guy is a BIG fan of Burr - he even had a Burr Connors action doll as a kid!
(I had a Sindy and an Action Man, but only ever played with the latter *weg*)

Jenny claims his films are "sentimental clap trap", and does so in a scary English voice! So scary, that for a brief moment I think The Helenator (or Sugar Mommy, as I'm now re-christening her, due to my previous epiphany!) has just snuck in the door unannounced! lol!

Jenny and Mark then go off on one, about the artistic merit or lack thereof in Burr Connors movies, until Hot Carmen has a moment of madness and cuts in on the two arty-farty boring people's debate, demanding "Kiss. NOW." from Jenny.
Who happily provides.

Ick. I think I'm gonna be sick! :-/

Mark enquires as casually as possible, as to the whereabouts of Sex-On-Legs, and Hot Carmen offers up a unconvincing explanation of "she went out...."

Jenny and her foil carry on having movie digs at each other in a cute buddy buddy way, while Hot Carmen bites her lip, until....

~CUT TO~

Shane. In a confessional booth.

Wow. SO didn't see that coming! :-o

We witness Kate Moennig justifying her fee so far for both seasons of the show, AND more, with the scene that unfolds, as she talks to the priest through the grate.

It's been 16 years since she last confessed.
Everyone wants something from her, and she doesn't feel like she has anything left to give.

We learn more about this woman in this one scene, than we have in ALL the episodes of The L Word COMBINED that have aired so far!

Sex is what most people want from her. But she's not even sure of that at this point.
She ran away from a church shelter at age 10. Ran away from her foster family cause someone told her her real mother was back in Austin. Her mother was a drug addict and used to go to that church shelter.

Poor kid. She's so lost. So alone. Belongs to no one. Not even herself I guess.

The priest tries to get her to see that not EVERYONE will want something from her. That there may be people who simply want to get to know her. I'm thinking, just like Carmen does.
Shane replies that she's never met anyone like that, states there's nothing to know and quickly exits the booth.
Poor kid, she can't even see what's under her nose.
Or, maybe she does, and it scares her so much she doesn't know what to do with herself.

I know where she's coming from there..........

That whole scene is very powerful and I can't sing the praises of the actress or the scriptwriter highly enough.
*applause for them both*

~CUT BACK TO~

Alice and Dana in the bathroom.
Alice is just stepping out of the shower to Dana's indignant protests at having hickeys all over her. Alice notices some of her own and its yet again with the fun, cute banter.
Except in the middle of it all, Dana goes and sits on the loo and pees!

Can I just say EW! Believe me, I am NO prude - to quote Buffy, "If I was any more open-minded, my brain would fall out!" - but I definitely draw the line at peeing in front of my girlfriend. Ew ew ew.
AND, not only that, but Dana then gets up and exits the bathroom without washing her hands!
I second my initial "EW!" and add an "ICK!" and a couple of "BLECH!"'s.
Grim.

~CUT TO~

The Planet, and some of our gang gathered around a table having a laugh.
Bette, Kit, Jenny and The Hotness That Is Carmen are soon joined by the lurrrrrrrvebirds, Alice and Dana.

Jenny remarks that she hasn't seen the pair for a few days and enquires what they've been up to.
Surprisingly, they don't have a neon scrolling sign above their heads that reads 'WE'VE BEEN FUCKING!', but they might as well.
And everyone's suspicions are confirmed when Tina arrives behind them to announce, "They've been having SEX all weekend!", much to the mirth of all present! ;-)

Mirth, which soon ebbs away, as The Helenator/Sugar Mommy saunters up next to Tina.
Much to everyone's surprise, Poor Bette invites them BOTH to come sit with them!
ooooh, nice one honey! be NICE to the nasty lady and get her hackles up ;-)

Sugar Mommy takes every opportunity to be smarmy and cosy up to Tina. Even going so far as to intimate they've had sex recently etc. *gags*
Poor Bette sits there like a wounded animal and endures, BUT, more importantly, she endures quietly.
That's it girl! DON'T rise to the bait, just like Winnie said!

Kit cheekily uncovers hickeys on the Dana and Alice and everyone has a good dig and a laugh at them and their cute new coupledom. Alice bemoans the fact she has hickeys and yet has to attend her radio audition, which prompts Sugar Mommy to nip out of her seat and bestow the incredibly expensive Aramaise scarf she's wearing, upon the neck of Leisha Hailey.

See? Remember what I said about throwing money at stuff to get people to like her? Hmmmmm ;-)

Alice, rightly, tries to give back the gift, as it's vintage designerware, but Sugar Mommy, as usual, is overly smarmy, condescending and basically persuades her to keep it. Most of the assembled group roll their eyes at Helena's ostentatious gesture, and funnily enough, even Alice takes off the scarf instead of wearing her precious gift. *smirk*

Poor Bette announces that she has to be going. Work calls etc.
Sugar Mommy can't understand why Bette can't just take the day off! *rolls eyes* REAL world Peabody! Come try it sometime, it's an eye-opener!
Sugar Mommy points out that she IS now on the CAC board and ergo, Bette can play hooky. Kit is NOT best pleased to find out about Bette's new board member, and her sister is hardly ecstatic about it either.

Poor Bette graciously says nothing though, and simply takes her leave, telling Helena she'll see her at the board meeting.

Sugar Mommy's like a dog with a juicy bone though, and won't give it up, baiting her YET again by asking her over AFTER the meeting, informing her (and everyone else that), "Tina and I have found a house!"
Tina quickly rebuffs that suggestion, with, "No, HELENA's found a house...."
Cue Poor Bette, still somewhat in shock at the thought of Tina moving in with ANYONE else other than her.

Sugar Mommy suggests EVERYONE present comes over that evening for a housewarming party.
EVERYONE present seems to look as if they'd rather jab cocktail sticks in their eyes than go over to Helena's.

Tina innocently sticks the boot in Poor Bette even further by mentioning the house is the one Bette saw in Architectural Digest.
At that, I think Bette Porter may just explode and take out the entire Planet as she goes.
BUT! No. She swallows her ire, accepts graciously - as long as she's not too tired after work - and finally gets to take her leave from the whole messy scene.

I'd say it was EASILY:

Poor Bette: 1
Sugar Mommy: 0

in that round! *weg*

~CUT TO~

Sex-On-Legs, post-confession in her kitchen, as Camcorder Guy pops in.

He takes a seat and asks her if he's done something to offend her.
Shane apologises for not having thanked him properly for bailing her out of the bouncer situation last week, and so does so with honest conviction.

To which, Mark asks her if she knows anything about the Samurai code, Ronin.
*ultra-quick-brain-info-check!: Ronin = De Niro film. Samurai = Tom Cruise, programs about how they make swords, The Water Margin when I was a kid, Shogun, honour, loyalty etc*

Thankfully, he explains to Shane that, because he was given the opportunity to save her, he is therefore indebted TO her now. It's a very high honour, and he's basically her slave now.

*several puns go through my head, but I decline to take the bait, in a rather Bette-esque way*

Sex-On-Legs has a brief think about what he's just said, and declines the offer.
But nu-huh, Camcorder Guy insists that's the way it's gotta be, and promptly offers her a chair, swipes the food items she's about to put away after making herself lunch and says "may I offer you a beverage my lord?" in a cod-English accent.
Shane, stands there, dumbfounded, and says, "no".

WE arte thoroughly amused! ;-)

~CUT TO~

Jenny, pulling up to Burr Connors mansion in what looks like an old Honda and being let in.

I swear, if we're forced to endure yet another of her godawful 'creative-writing-imagings' I'll, I'll..............
GAH! *punches a nearby pillow*

~CUT TO~

Jenny, seated, talking with Burr. We are meant to think they are talking about being gay, but it turns out they are talking about acting and writing as their passions, and what they are meant to do etc. *yawn*

I'm just not going to linger on this scene, as Jenny annoys me more than midges in summer, but, suffice to say, it's all pretty irrelevant talk...........
INTERESTING FACTOID: Burr Connors is played by Tony Goldwyn, who also played the bad guy in Ghost, opposite Patrick Swayze. ;-)
.........................UNTIL Jenny happens to mention she's just seen all of his films, and that her girlfriend LOVES all of his work etc.
At the mention of "girlfriend", Mr Connors gets a little frosty.
He then gets up, thanks "Miss Schecter" for coming along and says he'll be in touch.

Being that Jenny is patently weird, but NOT stupid, she asks him whether he's firing her cause she's gay.
And, cruddily, he basically is.

I wonder what Ms Bernhard will have to say about that next time in class.......

~CUT TO~

Alice, trying out some more ideas, but this time it's on Kit, at The Planet.
Word to the wise - Pam Grier can do comedy JUST as well as Leisha Hailey! Therefore, this scene is great fun! ;-)
Kit has hired a new chef.

Off toddles Kit, and then in swanks....

GABBY DEVAEUX! *gag*

She immediately picks at Alice, and informs her that she's in love. *gagging*
Alice counters with the fact that she, TOO, is in love, and enquires who Gabby's new "paramour" is.

It is then that my prayers are answered, and LAUREN LEE SMITH walks on screen!

VIVA LA LARA!!!!!!!!!!!

In my excitement, I almost forget that she is the one Gabby is in love with. Blech.

Does anyone think it's a tad ODD that Dana was with the monstrous Tonya, and now Lara is with the equally awful Gabby?

Coincidence?
I DON'T THINK SO!!!
*begins chanting "Dana & Lara 4eva! Dana & Lara 4eva!" under my breath, to drown out the noise of Lara and Gabby kissing*

Alice, upon seeing that Gabby's other half is Lara, is suitably shocked.
And surprised. And makes a quick exit, as soon as Lara enquires how Dana is.

~CUT TO~

Alice at her radio audition.
She's still reeling from the Gabby/Lara situation and starts regaling her tangled tale of ex's-dating-current-girlfriend's-ex's to
Mimi.

To cut a not very long story even shorter, Alice keeps going on and on about how bizarre and connected all her friends' love lives are, and mentions about her Lesbian Spider Chart from season 1, and we briefly get to see Mimi check with the sound booth guy that the tape IS running. A sly one is our Mimi. Methinks DON'T play charades with HER! ;-)

Before you know it, Sly Mimi is wrapping up the session and telling a confused Alice that they have everything they need etc!
Perplexed, Alice doesn't understand what's happened, as Sly Mimi exits the studio, chuckling all the way to the bank!

~CUT TO~

Poor Bette, chairing the dreaded board meeting, with added Sugar Mommy smarm.

Poor Bette's boss fawns over Sugar Mommy (you can practically SEE the $ signs in his eyes!) and then Leo asks her to present her special guest.

I swear, these people are calling her ALAN Barnes. And, if that's so, well, it may just herald the end of civilisation AS WE KNOW IT!!! You CAN'T have a woman called ALAN! You just, just, just CAN'T! *throws hands up in despair*

;-)

Anyhoo, Ms Barnes is described by Sugar Mommy as, "one of the most important living artists of our time..."
Suck-up much?! Jees! *gag*

But alas, for Sugar Mommy, all does not go as planned! Bette comes out fighting in her corner, not with anger, but with savvy and intelligence! Turns out she wrote her thesis on one of Ms Barnes' pieces, which leads the two into a discussion that practically excludes everyone else in the room! ;-)

They trade shared stories and experiences about lecturers, subjects etc, and Sugar Mommy can only sit on the sidelines, out of the game for a change, with her mouth flapping open, while Leo looks on at Bette with a hint of admiration.

Say what you like about her folks, but when it comes to her job, Bette Porter is one class act!

~CUT TO~

Jenny arriving home after her disastrous meeting with Burr.
She joins The Hotness That Is Carmen on the back deck and tells her what happened.
Hot Carmen is sympathetic, then happily shrieks, "You outed me to Burr Connor!"

~CUT TO~

Camcorder Guy, chilling, reading in his studio.
Shane knocks on his door and lets herself in. She wants him to come out with her and her friends tonight, but he's not so keen.
THEN slyly, she plays the 'Samurai-servant' card, and cheekily tells him that, "as my servant, I'm instructing you to come out, cause I need the protection". To which, he finally caves! Hehehe, these two can be a lot of fun ;-)

~CUT TO~

Alice and Dana getting ready to leave for the evening out.
Alice is telling her other half about the audition, and that her show is gonna be about 'connections', funny, serious, whatever etc.
Dana states she's SO proud of her, then goes into a fake British accent to say "The Chart, with Alice Pieszecki - Fridays at 3 on KCLW!"
Alice comments, "good voice!", to which Dana replies, in the same accent, "You like? 'Alice - make out with me!' "

And as usual with those two, it's all hilarious and the rapport is wonderful, but Mr/Ms Scriptwriter, ENOUGH ALREADY WITH THE AWFUL FAKE BRIT ACCENTS! lol! *rolls eyes* 3 different ones in one show is at least two too many methinks ;-)

Dana wants to know what made Alice pick the idea she chose for the radio show, when she had so many others lined up.
Alice stalls, then does mention she ran into Gabby.
Dana doesn't think people should necessarily be friends with their ex's.
Alice offers Lara as an example, and Dana thinks she probably could be friends with her, unless Alice didn't want her to be! Which is kinda sweet, but kinda spineless too......

Just then the phone rings, and it's Jenny to say she and Hot Carmen AREN'T going over to Sugar Mommy's house after all. Alice gets Dana to ask where they ARE planning on going.....

~CUT TO~

An immaculately laid sushi table, all ready for guests to start snaffling it down.
Except, zero guests!
Sugar Mommy's not a happy sweetener parent, cause no one's turned up to her party....
awwwww, what a shame.... pwoor Hewena's got no friendy wendys!
*wicked evil smirk*

Helena wonders if it's an L.A. thing, saying you're gonna come to something then just not turning up after all.
No deary, it's not an L.A. thing. It's a 'Bette's Friends Think You're The Wicked Witch Of The West Coast' thing.
MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA!

Sugar Mommy is very miffed, until Tina tries to make her see the upside, with them being alone together in a new house.

~CUT TO~

Poor Bette in her kitchen, when there's a knock at her back door.

It's the our gang! YAY!

They all troop in, and Bette is amazed that they came to hers' and not Helena's with Tina.

She simply stands with a glass of wine and looks on, as all her friends - Jenny, Mark, Carmen, Shane, Dana, Alice - all lark about and just be themselves in her home, once more.

The joy at the spectacle of her friends rallying round her, instead of being against her, and the peace in her expression is a sight to behold.

Jennifer Beals, I salute you. :-)

~FADE UP ON~

closing credits

~FADE UP ON~

Next week on The L Word.....

Tina reminds Sugar Mommy she's going for the ultrasound with BETTE, not HER *weg*
Bette and Tina hold hands as she gets the scan done.
Bette tells Tina after, she loved being with her, "more than you can imagine", then - HOLD YOUR BREATH FOLKS! -

Bette and Tina KISS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WOO HOO!

Alice and Dana discuss sex toys, and then go shopping. And I DON'T mean in Wal-Mart ;-)
Dana is taken aback by how much more experienced Alice is than her.

Shane tries to get into the bathroom, cause Mark, seemingly, needs the loo, so she bursts in, only to find Carmen and Jenny in the bath! And I DON'T mean purely for washing purposes ;-)

Shane explains to Carmen later, that it's hard for her with them both being in her face all the time, then later we see Jenny, crestfallen, watching on Marks monitors (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) as Shane asks Carmen if her and Jenny are "the real deal".
Carmen states "Jenny wouldn't know the real deal if it bit her on the ass!"

Plus, next week we have the return of Crazy Bitch Producer, Sandra Bernhard AND Ivan/Kelly Lynch.....

Bring on the crap sticky-on facial hair, take the phone of the hook and pass me a blonde delivery girl!
I ain't movin' till I've seen episode 9!!! ;-)


(btw, all those of you who got The Murmurs reference in this review, award yourself 2 BrainyBard points for being supercool and clever *g*)


 


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