Another fortnight, another recap. But before I start this one, I'd just like
to express my sincere gratitude to those of you who've written in commenting
on my reviews! It's SO lovely to know I can make people on the other side of
the world laugh and smile, just by what I write! :-)
A Bard, such a myself,
thrives on feedback. So thank you from the bottom of my fingertips for
taking the time to write in to Oz & Slicey about my reviews! You
who you are! :-D Y'all made my day!
Special thanks goes to
the lady who pointed out my error in the fact that the Crazy Bitch Director
was actually the Crazy Bitch Producer! Who knew I'd end up getting mail from
someone who'd ACTUALLY worked on The Shawshank Redemption and can be found
listed on IMDB.com!!!! Wow! It's amazing the journeys writing can take you
on folks! :-)
And now, we return you
to your regularly scheduled slice of lesbian life .....
~FADE UP ON~
......Previously on The
*cue montage of last
~FADE UP ON~
California - Yesterday......
A terribly cheesy,
elevator-musak, "ba-ba-bada" type version of the theme tune, as we see Kit
talking with the Mr T.O.E. (Dr. Benjamin Bradshaw, or Flim Flam man, as I
christened him from last week!)
having coffee by a hotel pool, and he says it gets lonely for him on the
road all the time. Awww, poor Flim Flam, sleeping alone every night,
different town every day, being away from his "family" (take not of that
folks!) and no doubt earning BIG BUCKS! Damn shame! *rolls eyes*
reveals she used to do roughly the same thing when she used to tour, but she
coped by getting drunk every night and waking up next to a strange guy every
morning. AAAAAH the dull, boring life of a musician on the road..... SO many
people to DO, SO little time to DO them in.... *weg*
Kit and Mr Flim Flam
leaving the hotel and saying goodbye.
A kiss on the cheek follows.
Which then turns into a kiss on the lips.
Which then reminds them they shouldn't be doing that, (He's a married man
for heaven's sake Kit!) and they stop.
Which then turns into.....
them both falling onto
a bed and having a rather fun bit of, what we in the quaint olde land of
England call, 'nookie', 'bumping nasties' or, for the Chavs amongst you,
~FADE UP ON~
"this is the way that
we, way that we liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiive, and loooooooooooooooooove!"
It's just no good - I'm
starting to love the new theme tune! Gods help me, but it's fast trashiness
is quickly winning me over! ;-)
~FADE UP ON~
An apartment complex
It's Alice and Tina, and they're moving Tina into her new place.
Tina's putting up a pic
that she doesn't even like, but it's the only thing she could find that has
nothing to do with/wasn't bought by Bette! Y'know, I've a feeling that Bette
would be like one of those husbands that used to come into the shoe shop I
worked in for YEARS! They'd come in with their wives, and watch them trying
stuff on, and if THEY didn't like a particular pair of shoes that the WIFE
liked and felt comfy in, they'd say so, and the bloody wife wouldn't
blimmin' BUY the things! MAD! It's like they can't even make their own
decisions but they have to be ratified by their spouse! Icky! *shivers*
Anyhoo, Alice is her
cute comedy self as usual and starts rocking out to Pat Benetar on the
radio, as they work at unpacking stuff, and then in walks Helena Peabody.
She's come to drop off some paperwork, does so, then pops off again.
Seemingly Tina's going
to be attending some swanky dinner for all those who were awarded Peabody
grants, and so she'll be seeing Helena again on Thursday.
Tina bemoans the fact
that Helena saw her new place, and herself, in a right old mess. Alice, ever
astute, mentions so what if Tina's not dressed in designer togs! Helena does
seem to come across as very Alpha-female, powerdressy (remind you of Bette
anyone?) and rather interested in Tina.
Tina thinks the exact opposite and bemoans that fact to Alice.
Alice, being Alice,
just rolls her eyes and scoffs. ;-)
Sex-On-Legs-Shane talking about The Hotness That IS Carmen etc
Camcorder Guy, (who's
making coffee in the background) realises that both women seated at the
table have 'been out with' The Hotness That IS Carmen and starts coming up
with the usual smutty guy conclusions - that lesbians 'share' girlfriends
Sex-On-Legs sets him straight about that - she ain’t going out with Hot
Carmen no more (BOOOO!) and then Camcorder Guy enquires how
Sex-On-Legs-Shane manages to get all the women she does. He tells them HIS
pickup technique, then Sex-On-Legs coughs up hers.
Basically it goes thus:
eye contact, laughing at all their jokes and telling tragic childhood
She: listens, doesn't talk too much, figures out what each woman wants
Now, you can call me
biased (I'm a gay woman after all!) but I'd say that Shane's method would
get me each and every damn time! ;-)
Whereas I'm not at all surprised that Mark seems to be single. *weg*
Camcorder Guy makes a
lame suggestion that Shane, Jenny and Carmen should have a threesome, (quell
surprise *yawn*) to help Jenny out with getting Carmen.
AAAAAH young men. They
are just SO darn predictable, aren't they :-)
flatly, "I don't fuck my roommates". Oh well, guess that well and truly
bursts Mark's bubble - HURRAH!
Alice meeting Dana at (I presume) The Planet.
Dana has limited time,
due to CAT KILLER! being off at some meeting or other, and wants her and
Alice to nip off and have some wild animal sex. Ok, so I added the last part
(after "some..."), but c'mon, can you blame me! Last weeks' sexual
dénouement between the two was HOT! ENCORE, I SAY! ENCORE! *weg*
However, Alice isn't
Stating she doesn't
want to be the 'other woman' in the affair (good for her! Go give tips to
Kit, Alice, please!) she says she wants Dana to leave CAT KILLER! for good.
Be still my beating heart! Are my dreams shortly to come true! Will the
feline murderer get dumped! *crosses my fingers, toes, eyes, legs, arms etc
that it'll come to pass!*
Dana says she really
wants to be with Alice - who wouldn't! There's probably a queue already! -
and agrees to break up with CAT KILLER! after the tennis tournament she's
about to play.
Then she slips off a
shoe and starts playing footsie under the table with her lover.....
Our Bette, dressed in a
rather lovely casual outfit, (hair all curly and half-down, nice jacket,
cool jeans, and a top that could very well be expensive underwear, but who
cares! *weg*) coming to visit Tina at her new apartment complex.
Tina's outside her
door, still unpacking stuff, and so they start talking. Bette says Tina
looks good and wants to be invited in, but Tina isn't wanting company right
now. Bette was obviously hoping to get a warmer reception than she has, so
just cuts to the chase and gets on with telling Tina she is amazed and hurt
that she didn't tell her she was pregnant.
She points out they
were still together when she must have got pregnant, has used the sperm THEY
had chosen etc, and so therefore the baby is THEIRS. She wants to be in its'
life, whatever happens etc.
Tina isn't so happy
about that and isn't sure she even wants that. Unfortunately, now she's had
it pointed out to her that Bette used to make ALL the decisions, I think
she'll have a knee-jerk reaction to anything Bette 'wants'. Which is a
She shouts at Bette
that she needs to think about it and goes into her apartment, leaving Bette
standing there forlorn.
It's getting to be a
habit with me, I know, but I'll say it again - poor old Bette :-(
Hot Carmen getting the
last beer from the fridge while Sex-On-Legs lights up a ciggy. (In a
ridiculously cool fashion, but then, it IS Shane, so what should I expect!
Hot Carmen chugs the
And down, and down,
until even Sex-On-Legs has to mention about it, accusing her of being a
Then before you know it
she's up and over, getting verrrrrry close to Hot Carmen, making her spill
her beer all over herself!
Sniffing Hot Carmen's
neck, she cheekily mentions she stinks (of beer) which prompts said hottie
to chuck beer all over the front of Shane's jumper, causing her to backtrack
across the kitchen with her beer-wielding foe following, threatening another
soaking. Which she promptly delivers, much to the mirth of both women.
say that almost every scene which features just Kate Moennig and Sarah Shahi
is way hotter than most pornos - even when they keep their clothes on - is
no big deal. After all, most porno is pretty crap, and most scenes featuring
these two are blisteringly hot AND practically oozing with chemistry.
In my humble opinion
(and ignoring all spoilers I've ever read!) these two women seem destined to
end up together.
They are like two
lesbian magnets, unable to resist the pull, no matter what they do to avoid
it! MMMMM :-)
Oh. Good. *rolls eyes*
Along comes Jenny to spoil the mood and the moment! BOOOOO! HISS! Work on
your goddamn timing woman! Just cause you've got a kicky new haircut,
doesn't give you free reign to spoil fun sexy Shane-moments! Now get back to
your laptop where you belong!
(btw, Hot Carmen turns
round as Jenny enters the room, and we see Sarah is wearing a nifty t-shirt,
emblazoned with the logo "EVERYONE LOVES A LATIN GIRL". Which is pretty
cute, but would have been way more accurate if it had read, "EVERYONE LOVES
A LATIN GIRL -
AS LONG AS HER NAME IS
Turns out Jenny
actually came in to inform Sex-On-Legs that Camcorder Guy is videoing all
their girlfriends in the lounge - Shane is NOT pleased.
Said filming of said
friends in said lounge.
you make out with a guy for a million dollars?"
is the terribly terribly insightful gem which Camcorder Guy is asking all
the assembled ladies.
(Ok, so, I'D
probably make out with a guy for $1,000, but then I'm cheap! *weg* Though if
it were Brad Pitt I'm sure I could arrange a freebie for him.....)
Hot Carmen ratchets up
the fun a notch or two by saying she's make out with a REPUBLICAN for a
Cue disgusted stares
from the assembled womanly friendlage.
(Ok, so I wonder what
they'd all say to kissing a Republican GUY for a million! lol! Methinketh
the pot would have to be a taaaad larger for any self-respecting lesbian to
contemplate THAT lil doozy....)
Jenny asks Hot Carmen to
retract what she just said, cause
"Republicans are fucking scary!"
Hot Carmen thinks that "scary can be HHHHOT"
Personally, I think the
way Hot Carmen says "HHHHOT" can and IS fucking HOT! ;-)
*goes off into a
lengthy Carmen-induced daze.......*
er...., oh yeah, finish
off the review...... *slaps self*
Camcorder Guy baits Hot
Carmen with the idea of making out with TWO friends at the same time
(remember his lil conversation with Shane and Jenny earlier?!) and she
denies she would. Meanwhile, Sex-On-Legs has gone to lounge on the sofa in
the arms of another nameless conquest-of-the-moment and promptly starts
making out with her.
Guy is still filming Hot-Carmen's reaction to his question, and therefore
catches perfectly her reaction upon seeing Shane making out with Conquest
i.e. disappointment etc
Hot Carmen decides to
promptly get out of there with the excuse of "C'mon Jenny, lets get more
beer!", and off out the door she heads with Jen in tow, leaving Camcorder
Guy to pan round to Shane, on sofa, smoking, in arms of Conquest Chick,
flicking him the bird.
if Shane could get any cooler, I firmly believe she'd bring on another
Ice-Age. Brrrrrrrr! ;-)
An art exhibition.
'Women Of Allah' by
Shirin Neshat, seemingly, as it's printed on the wall.....
(I have no idea who
that is, but I'll ask my girlfriend, as she's dead arty etc *g*)
Round the corner comes
our Bette, and she proceeds to look at the pieces of artwork, which are
However, the entire
exhibit is suddenly ruined for poor Bette when a Peabody appears!
Yes, it's annoyingly
again, casually striving to make Miss Porter's day even more crappy.
Bette on getting Leo Herrareah (sic) and Poor Bette (yes, I've finally given
her an apt nickname folks!) looks at her as if she's speaking Japanese.
Helena explains to the
friends she has in tow that Leo is coming for a few months to help raise
funds for the CAC.
Poor Bette, clearly not
having THE first clue about what she's speaking of, looks suitably
embarrassed and miffed and makes herself scarce ASAP.
A car at night, pulling
into a gated house entrance.
It's Bette, and she
gets buzzed in.
Turns out it's Franklin
(in his bathrobe) and she starts laying into him about this new Leo guy and
how he's hired him behind her back and in breach of her contract.
Franklin counters that
the CAC is in trouble without the usual funding and bringing in Leo to help
WILL be within the bounds of Poor Bette's contract.
Poor Bette gets told to
discuss it tomorrow and so she stomps off.
As ever, I say again,
POOR Bette :-(
Bette driving along,
making a call on her handsfree (sensible woman! *g*)
She's called Tina as
she's having a "rough
You can say that again
Regaling her tale of
CAC woe to her ex, she accuses Helena of being behind it all and calls la
Peabody a "fucking dragon!"
As Tina doesn't come up
with a ringing agreement to that statement, Poor Bette comes to the
conclusion that Tina is sleeping with Helena, asks her is that's so and
warns her off, with the line:
"DON'T do it Tina!
She'll eat you alive - she's a vampire!"
Now, it's true....I'm
no fan of Ms Peabody, but methinks Poor Bette is being a little hysterical
here. Mind you, the thought of someone else sleeping with my ex would
probably do that to me too, so I see where she's coming from there.....
Tina, having had quite
enough of being told what to do by Poor Bette, tells her that who she sleeps
with now is "none
of her fucking business",
tells her she won't let her control her like before and hangs up.
Y'know, I do believe I
detect a hint of a spine growing in our Tina! Perhaps the baby is providing
one as a bonus ;-)
CAT KILLER! and Dana
getting their bags ready in the car to leave for the tournament.
CAT KILLER! walks off a
ways to make a couple of calls on her mobile (for the yanks among us, mobile
= cell phone *weg*) just as Dana gets a call from Alice, enquiring as to
whether she's told CAT KILLER! to take a hike yet.
Dana pleads with Alice
rather too loudly to "stop
her, and CAT KILLER! overhears, then asks what's wrong.
which Dana has to hastily come up with the lie that it's her mother on the
phone, and she hates it when she calls her before a match to wish her luck,
as it puts more pressure on her yadda yadda yadda....
CAT KILLER! looks
mostly convinced, and carried on with her own call.
Sex-On-Legs going to
open her front door, cause someone's banging on it.
When she does, she's
greeted by THE sexiest delivery girl EVER, who has a bunch of flowers for a
her pronunciation and accepts said flowers with bemused interest, as the
delivery girl is very clearly making goo-goo eyes at her, despite having
only just met her mere seconds ago! Now, we all know our Sex-On-Legs-Shane
is a superfast worker when it comes to tha laydeez, but c'mon! MERE
SECONDS!?! Surely you jest, delivery girl!
Delivery Girl flirts,
Shane calls her "Ma'am" (ooooh my! *shivers excitedly*) and goes to put them
in water when Delivery Girl prompts her to.
To cut a very short
story even shorter, Delivery Girl comes in and helps look for a vase, then
hastily ends up helping Sex-On-Legs look for her tongue, tonsils, ass and
various other body parts......
(nooooo! GO BACK to Shane & the Delivery Girl goddamn
you, you goddamn director!) TO~
Sandra Bernhard in a
gym doing reps.
Jenny's there, asking
her teacher more about what she should do to improve her writing etc. *yawn*
Sandra tells Jenny she
has an assignment for her and starts doing bench weights with Hunter.....
Shane and a now topless
(HURRAH!) Delivery Girl getting it on in the lounge.
Oh poo, it's clearly
being shown to us on Camcorder Guy's laptop screen - NO fair!
Gormless Gomey and Mark
sit there and watch the action and being all Beavis & Butthead as usual,
until Camcorder Guy starts zooming out of the body shot and onto their
Gormless Gomey is
displeased - he no get he lesbo action!
But in a rather
unexpected twist, Camcorder Guy actually wants to "know
what she's feeling".
Good grief, have I been
remiss in dismissing Mark as a simple quick-buck-voyeur-horny-guy?
this mean he is ACTUALLY trying to make a documentary work of art?
~CUT BACK TO~
Sandra, who is now
working her body on one of those giant exercise balls. (Y'know them - like
the one Ellen is using at the end of If These Walls Could Talk 2?! Aaaah
THERE ya go.... *g*)
She dishes out an
assignment to Jenny which I WHOLEHEARTEDLY approve of - i.e. Jenny must go
the rest of the day without talking. She will have to "express
her needs without using audible language".
Oh goody! That means NO
'fucking bullshit drama' for at least the rest of the ep from the strange
Ms Bernhard is my new
hero, and I'd hug her if I could! UNTIL I remind myself that not talking
DOESN'T preclude not writing (and thereby having arty-farty scenes of freaky
carnivals and fairs etc) and so it's still possible that the writers of the
show will crowbar yet another Jenny-writing-stream-of-consciousness yawnfest
into this ep, like they have all the others.
Jenny is instructed to
not talk for the rest of the day, then write down what she experiences and
hand it to her teach as her assignment.
I. Simply. Can't. Wait.
Alice and Sex-On-Legs
(blimey! one minute she's fucking a delivery girl at home, next minute she's
in a hotel at "La Hoya", wherever that may be! The girl is FAST!) walking
down a hotel hallway.
Alice informs a
reluctant Shane that she's there to convince Dana she's making a mistake and
shouldn't marry CAT KILLER! (well, DUH!)
understand why she's been roped into this little farce at all and doesn't
think it's a good idea.
They round a corner,
only to be greeted by CAT KILLER! in a bathrobe and head towel, so they
scurry back behind a corner and wait her out.
Btw, CAT KILLER! was on
the phone enthusing about the fact that they have Melissa Rivers hosting the
I say, who she? It's
probably an American thing.....
*hears IMDB.com calling
twigs that Dana doesn't even know they are there, and Alice quickly sets out
i.e. SHE is gonna go
talk to Dana in her hotel room and SHANE is gonna stand watch in the hallway
and call Alice's mobile in case of unexpected CAT KILLER! returnage.
This scene is
hilarious, and is made even more so when Sex-On-Legs states the plan is
"dumb", and Alice rushes off to Dana's room, leaving the second sexiest
woman on earth to skulk in a hotel room hallway like a spy! LMAO!
Dana opens her room
door as Alice rushes in and they immediately start playing tonsil hockey
(er, note to self: shouldn't that be tonsil TENNIS?!) with Alice getting in
breathlessly between snogs that she wants Dana to promise to tell CAT
KILLER! the weddings off THAT night, or she won't leave the hotel room!
Cue more desperate,
Alice's phone rings!
Alice panics and
disappears into another room, until CAT KILLER! returns and then she jumps
out, all "SURPRISE!" with a tennis racket waving about! lol! CAT KILLER!
comes to the conclusion that Alice has come along to support Dana (yeah,
support her all the way to an ORGASM if you hadn't walked in, you
feline-fearing freak!) and Alice is only to happy to play up to that,
putting her arm round Dana and being all pally etc.
Which gives Dana the
perfect chance to feel her up while CAT KILLER! isn't looking. ;-)
And talking of CAT
KILLER!....she calls Dana "PookyPie".
Ok, I'm officially barfing right now. If my girlfriend ever calls me that,
I'm so gonna slap her!
Hot Carmen (YAY!) and
Silent Jenny (YAY x billion!) strolling along somewhere near Jenny's place.
Ok, so call me old
fashioned, but, if I went out on a date with a woman and she was SILENT
through the ENTIRE date, I would NOT be looking to go out with her again in
a hurry. Though, for some bizarre reason, that's EXACTLY what Hot Carmen
wants to do! Why why why!? Hot Carmen, Jenny is WEIRD! That's why I used to
call her The Weird One for Pete's sake! You've ostensively just spent an
entire afternoon in the company of another woman, and all you've done is
talk to YOURSELF! Christ girl! Get a grip! lol! Trust me, you don't wanna
date Jenny. G'wan back and date Shane. You KNOW you want to! ;-)
(plus, there's always
ME if Shane isn't around - and believe me, I wouldn't be silent the whole
time either! *weg*)
Ok, is it JUST me, or
does Hot Carmen appear to be holding a staple gun with a daisy poking out of
it in this scene?!
Oh god! Maybe Jenny's
weirdness is starting to rub off on Hot Carmen! NOOOOO!
*prays, even though I'm
atheist* PLEASE don't make me have to refer to the sexiest woman on earth as
Hot WEIRD Carmen in future episodes! PLEASE! I'll go to church and
*says 3 hail marys and
two hows-yer-fathers for good measure*
Hot Carmen waits to get
an answer out of Silent Jenny, about having another date sans silence, and
when it's clear she isn't going to talk at all, she simply lifts her chin
with a gentle hand and kisses her softly, eventually pulling back, leaving
Silent Jenny with her eyes closed, longing for more. Till she opens her eyes
and they smile at each other. Bless!
Carmen....................the things you do to me woman :-)
*replays that scene in
my head straight away, and simply replaces Silent Jenny, with Moaning Sci-Fi
Silent Jenny, still
being silent. Sitting in contemplation ON her desk, and starting to type
away at her laptop.
Cue beat filled music
and I fear another arty-farty Jenny writing-imagination scene is on it's
way, as she types the title of her assignment on the screen....
Oh penguin plop! I was
right! Dang my clever brain! And off we go into the weird and wonderful (for
wonderful, read, WEIRD) world of Jenny's creative process/mind.
To be truthful, as I
watch Ms Bernhard dressed as a circus ringmaster intoning everyone to roll
up, roll up etc, I RE-HEEEEEALLY do not want to watch the rest of it, and
contemplate the fast forward button.
HOWEVER! I am here not
only as a viewer of the show, BUT ALSO as a REviewer for all you L Word fans
out there reading this. And so, with that in mind, and fortified that I do
what I do for the sake of the written word, I carry on watching.....
For a brief minute I
think I've popped in my DVD of When Night Is Falling by mistake, but then I
realise we are still in the same Jenny-Writing-Imagination scene as before.
Oh. What. Fun.
Jenny is done up as a "Silent
(yes, cause so many of them are loud like diva opera singers OBVIOUSLY) and
seems to be atop the platform used by the high wire balancers in a circus.
She has an air of a Perriot clown about her - all doleful, sad and fragile.
Carmen is done up as
"The Beautiful Temptress". i.e. practically a living representation of a
Hindu god. (My money's on Kali, and that would fit in with the "scary"/fear
type motif discussed when Camcorder Guy was filming them all earlier. But
that's enough of my tantric blather..... ;-)
Needless to say Carmen, in this guise, has many arms, and looks stunning as
*pulls my deeply dirty
thoughts back from the brink JUST in time to look at....*
Shane, who is the
"Temptress Tamer" and has THE crappest outfit on EVER (it's a brightly
patterned waistcoat, a Sheik's style Arabic hat and a whip + her normal
clothes! Jees! Get a bigger clothing budget Ilene! lol!)
Really, nothing of
consequence happens after that, apart from 'Shane' whipping the air, going
over and snogging Carmen etc.
Oh, and Jenny falls off
the hire wire platform.
(Shame it's not in real
Camcorder Guy handing
over a videotape to.....
GODDAMN! He set her up
to make that delivery JUST so she could seduce Sex-On-Legs (well, it'd be
hard not to) so HE could film it!
Man, that's COLD! Ok,
suddenly REALLY not liking Camcorder Guy.
However, he redeems
himself slightly by offering to not use the footage if Delivery Girl doesn't
want him to.
Which, btw, she doesn't.
Cause she doesn't wanna hurt Shane, cause Sex-On-Legs was "really
Awww bless her little
cotton delivery socks! :-)
Mark is stumped yet
again, at Sex-On-Leg's ability to get girls to A) sleep with her, B) fall
for her and C) LIKE her.
Poor man. I doubt he'll
ever really 'get it'.
There's a little more
to this scene between the two than just that - a really funny and insightful
interplay - but it'd be too long winded to explain it to you here. (Plus,
I'm just evil and want to make you wait to see the show! *g*)
The Heineken Celebrity
Slammin' Jammin' tennis Tournament.
Ooooh lookey! There's
Dana playing that game she's supposed to play but never seems to these days!
KILLER!, Alice and Sex-On-Legs are watching from the stands, and CAT KILLER!
spots Melissa Rivers with her film crew (btw, seemingly she's an Actor,
TV/radio host. I know that cause I looked it up on E Online.com. IMDB.com turned out to be uncharacteristically useless when
it came to Joan Rivers' daughter! Weird eh?! lol!) and goes rushing off when
she notices the poor dear is out of water.
With CAT KILLER! gone,
Alice rushes to get Shane to read the 'script' she has prepared for Dana to
say when she breaks up with her. Sex-On-Legs suggests that it's "Karmically
and stops reading.
Alice, not happy, turns
and then delivers THE best line there's ever been during the entire run of
season 1 AND 2!
"Alright, YODA needs to
give me some better advice, OR Yoda needs to shut the fuck up!"
LMAO! LMAO! LOL! ROTFL!
DAMN but they give
Leisha just THE best lines! ;-)
Even Shane is
impressed, and tries to stifle a grin!
*throws everyone a bone
by mentioning the name of this ep is LAGRIMAS DE ORO, which translates into,
like, The Wisdom Of Yoda* ;-)
Kit and Poor Bette
arriving at Mr Flim Flam's seminar.
Kit starts spouting
Flim Flam's talk at her lil sis, and Poor Bette counters with the sassy:
don't use that self-help jargon on me! I WILL barf!"
lol! You go girl! ;-)
They enter the building
and Kit stops to admire one of Flim Flam's posters for T.O.E.
Flim Flam preaching his
self-help T.O.E.ness to his assembled flock.
He's going on about
risk and being vulnerable. Therefore Poor Bette starts writing stuff down
and taking notes.
Cue Kit with a knowing
Alice and Dana,
post-match, outside the locker rooms.
Alice prompts Dana that "now's the time!" and shows her the script she's
Dana is NOT impressed
and thinks it's "hideous". Too right! Mind you, CAT KILLER! is even more
hideous, so perhaps the script isn't so bad after all.
Kit and Poor Bette
after the seminar.
Mr Flim Flam wants to
know what Poor Bette thought of his teachings and she seems to be genuinely
impressed, especially about the comments he made on making oneself
Flim Flam guesses she
means in relation to her and Tina having a baby, and Poor Bette lays into
her sister about blabbing her personal business to every Tom Dick and Flim
Flim Flam interrupts
the siblings cute argy bargy by suggesting that Poor Bette go to Tina,
"Tonight, wherever she
is. Bring her flowers. If possible, flowers you've picked yourself, rather
Give Tina the flowers,
and say 'YOU hold all the cards'...."
Hmmmm, this man is
GOOD. ;-) Knowing Tina, if Poor Bette did that, she's probable crumble,
considering her distinct lack of backbone. Hmmmmm.
Kit and Poor Bette
later, walking downstairs, with younger sis telling older sis off again for
blabbing her business.
Poor Bette bemoans the
flim flam they've just heard from Kit's new pal, but when Kit enquires
whether her sis is gonna do "the assignment" or not, I think it's safe to
say you and I know Poor Bette is probably gonna be picking flowers before
the day is through, no matter what she says now! ;-)
~CUT BACK TO~
Dana in the locker
CAT KILLER! comes in
and Dana tells her she has something she needs to say.
She sits and tells
Tonya, heartfelt, that she's amazing and was instrumental in Dana being the
person she is today, but that she's confused gratitude with love and that
she knows in her heart they don't belong together.
Ok, I know I, as well
as most other people, were probably expecting Tonya to go apeshit after Dana
told her the wedding was off. However, she just sits there quietly listening
to her girlfriend until Melissa Rivers bursts in looking for Tonya.
To cut a VERY bizarre
story rather short, it turns out that Tonya came to find Dana to tell her
SHE was going off with Melissa Rivers! :-/ I KNOW!
Dana, still emotional
at just having broken up with Tonya, sits there trying to take it all in!
"Are you even GAY!?"
she grills Melissa.
"Well I like to think
of myself a label-FREE....."
counters Ms Rivers. (And also common sense-FREE too, if she's fallen for CAT
KILLER!) Oh and hey, HUGE plot hole here! I like to believe in love at first
sight TOO, but c'mon! Those two seemingly met for the FIRST time earlier
that same DAY! Are you seriously telling me, Ms Chaiken, that CAT KILLER!,
who has just been arranging a high profile and highly lucrative celebrity
lesbian wedding with her girlfriend, would chuck it all in after JUST
meeting a woman who has NEVER previously been a lesbian (she's married to a
guy in real life btw folks)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Plus, she doesn't say
something like, 'honey, pookypie, I think we better call the wedding off'.
No, she simply tells
Dana they have a lot to talk about, but not now, and then ups and leaves
with Melissa Rivers!
Excuse my language, but
WHAT THE FUCKING HELL
WAS THAT ALL ABOUT!!!!!!!!
What! Did the
scriptwriter AND continuity person just up and DIE in the middle of filming
that week, so they had to improvise a way to get rid of Tonya!?
WHAT IN THE CHOCOLATE
CHRIST WAS THAT!!!!!
dumbfounded and exasperated by the whole thing*
Buuuuuuuuuuuut, on the
other hand, this means Dana WON'T be marrying CAT KILLER! after all! HOORAY!
PUT OUT THE FLAGS!
STRIKE UP THE BAND! WHERE'S THE TICKER TAPE FOR THE PARADE OF JOY!!!!???
:-D :-D :-D
A dinner on a night
It's the Peabody
dinner, and Helena is being annoying already, with that godawful put on
snobbish English accent she has.
Helena excuses herself
and leaves the table.
Just after that, Tina
gets a call on her mobile. Answers it, and finds it's Helena saying,
"Don't these boring,
pretentious dinners make you
Oh good grief, Helena
Peabody IS Austin Powers in DISGUISE!!!!!!!! I knew that accent was dodgy
proceeds to tempt Tina away from the dinner by telling her she'll be waiting
by the pool.
Tina asks what her
excuse should be to the other guests and Helena
simply states "Never
apologise, never explain".
(Isn't that a line from Boys On The Side?! lol!)
Poor Bette in her
garden at night.
And you knew it - she
gives in and goes for the snips, and starts harvesting flowers as we
predicted! ;-) (Those of you who said she WOULD, pat yourself on the back.
Those of you who said she wouldn't, slap yourselves upside the head! LOL!)
Awwww bless our lovely
Poor Bette :-)
~CUT BACK TO~
Tina arriving down by
Helena says she was so
bored at the dinner and that Tina was the only thing there that wasn't
THEN she suggests they
go for a dip in said pool.
Tina, like a doofus,
mentions she hasn't got a swimming costume. But I think you and I both know
that Helena means the dipping that is SKINNY. ;-)
Tina looks all
rabbit-caught-in-headlighty, and as Helena strips off her jacket she asks,
"you're not TIMID are you? I hadn't pegged you for being timid". Good god,
if Tina was anymore timid we'd have to coax her out of her house after dark
with a biscuit and some milk! lol! *weg*
Helena asks if her
hesitation is due to Bette. Tina answers honestly with, "I dunno", and
confesses this would be her first time.
What? Skinny dipping?
Having pregnant sex with a rich, posh British woman? Eh? What did she do
with Bette then - just read books about it?!
Helena gets close and
confesses she wanted to sleep with Tina from the first moment she saw her.
Yeeeees, pregnant women
have that effect on me too luv! *purrrrr*
*wonders if I said that
out loud, then just doesn't care!*
Tina finds that very
hard to believe, but it's the fact that she IS pregnant that Helena finds
Helena then proceeds to
undress the very pregnant Tina - god she's gorgeous! Full ripe breasts,
gorgeous round tummy! Somebody stop me here!!!! *whimper* - then once her
bra is off, she sets about kissing the flesh she's uncovered!
Oh and what a gift
she's unwrapped! MMmmmmmm.
It's all very sensuous
and sexy and slow and really rather yummy ;-)
Poor poor (yes I've
added another "poor", so what! C'mon, she needs it the poor luv! Her life's
a mess and it's not getting better anytime soon!) Bette arriving, with
flowers in hand, at Tina's new apartment complex.
She rings the bell, but
you and I both know there aint gonna be no answer baby. :-(
She gets out her mobile
and rings Tina's.
~CUT BACK TO~
The pool, where Tina's
phone lays ringing on a table, as behind it we see the two women in the
water, out of focus.
Cue Helena kissing and
caressing Tina in a great camera angle - half the screen is underwater and
half above - so we get to see shoulders and above, PLUS some VERY nice
nipples! A-hummina hummina!
The two languidly make
love in the water. Call me a hippy, but there's few things sexier than pool
sex! ;-) Mmmmm....
~CUT BACK TO~
Left lonely at the foot
of Tina's front door with a note saying exactly what Poor Bette was told to
Poor Bette :-(
Sex-On-Legs in the back
seat of the car, coming back from the tournament, with Dana in the passenger
seat and Alice driving.
The two front
passengers stoutly refuse to make eye contact or talk at all, now they are
free to hold hands or do whatever the hell they like! lol!
Shane, the minx, just
sits in the back, looking from one to the other, smirking and giggling to
Ah yes, sexy, she is.
~FADE UP ON~
Next week, on The L
Bette considers moving
on and dating other women (NOOOO!)
Helena's ex comes back
into the picture. What will Tina do! (GO BACK TO POOR BETTE YOU SPINELESS
Shane lets her emotions
get the better of her where Carmen and Jenny are concerned (CARMEN IS MINE!
HANDS OFF SEX-ON-LEGS!)
Mark has to come
Shane's rescue in the end! (DON'T DO ANYTHING STUPID SHANEY! WE LOVE
Good grief! I dunno
about everyone else, but I'm off to lie down in a dark room for a week! Pass
me a lesbian poultice and wake me when it's 10pm next Sunday, k? ;-)