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:: L A B Y R I N T H ::
Ep. 205
By Hollywood


This week we open with Gomey and his day job, as a security guard, at what appears to be an important company. He directs an old lady towards the second set of elevators to the right. But to the left is the staircase and there is why they call it Showtime. Gomer Pile proceeds to watch a hidden camera in a staircase. So we've touched on the whole lesbian scene now we are moving on to fetishes. This week it's Voyeurism and it looks like its here to stay. Maybe it will be S&M next, or feet. We are also ogling the couple in said staircase. They just can't keep it in their pants any longer, if they did, it would be so wrong. Gomey calls Mark to tell him he's hit paydirt.

Roll Credits.
All right this new flashy intro and the Jenny boobs is all I can stands. I say we experiment and try a different one each week.

Casa de Despair.

Bette opens the door and there is Tina. Despair no more I say. I think Bette just smiled. OMG its like she's a kid in a candy store or like seeing porn for the first time. She's packed up and came home after JW nearly molested her. Tina lets her know that she can't stay another minute with the Wisch for something she didn't do and that she is going to stay in the guest bedroom until further notice. Oh and by the way I gained some weight. Bette is just happy that T is standing in front of her in their house. The tension between them mounts... heh mounts. It's all good though cuzz Bette has a plan.

Skid Row Shack.
So Gomer Pile and Mark are viewing the voyeur porn. It's a quality fuck tape says Pile. Mark says he has a project in the works, he can't discuss right now, but he tells me its genius. Hmm, I believe that putting up hidden cameras to spy on girls has been done before.

City Sidewalks.
Shane and some dude... oh wait it's Jenny? These fine seconds will dawn the haircut of a century. Never mind that I was starting to think she was cute, she spat upon me with this trifling do. Jenny loves her haircut because now that her image screams LESBIAN she can land hot chicks. They shimmy away. Is it not LA because Jenny is dressed like it is NY.

Casa de Blindasbat.
Gaymo(m) is in the tub soaking away her self-loathing. She covers up her huge boobs before Flashdance enters, thinking maybe she'd want some fresh towels. Yeah right, if my sexy x- better half were in there I wouldn't be thinking about towels. T tells B that she has something she'd like to talk to her about if she'll be home later. Bette would be much obliged to be home if she wants her to be. They agree and Bette sees the candy again.

Skid Row Shack.
Mark's opener for his direct to video is chock full of hetero male cliché. Which he and I both agree is "fucking lame". So scratch that.

CAC Home of the Comeback Kid.

Bette explains to James that she wants him to take his time finding Tina's place. She adds that Tina is back at home and with a little, "ensconcing" maybe she won't find a need to live elsewhere. James understands that he shouldn't look to hard but keep looking, wink wink. Have I mentioned how awesome Jennifer Beals looks in her amazing wardrobe?

Three's a Company.
Jenny and Shane are done scoping the sidewalks for chicks and come home to find a camera set up in their living room. Mark wants to interview them offering $20 a session for their time. BoiSha and HairJen are eating bagels and since when does Jenny know what a run-on sentence is? She has suddenly grown a brain in a few short days. It must be the hair, or the revelation of being a lesbian, totally makes you smarter. She spurts out numerous quips that even Seinfeld can't compete with. Anyhoo basically the girls are on to him and tell him to lighten up because he's too aggressive, and it's embarrassing. That and he's pissing off Shane. He wants them to sign a release form. The girls leave him to wallow in his own annoyance.

Victoria's Dirty Secret.
Caution: Hilarious scene ahead. You must find someone who has access to this show. If you can't, I can't be held responsible for the recaps that slaughter scenes this great. Tonya has about a 13" dildo in her hands and she's taunting 40 Love with it. Al looks through some colorful dildos on a glass shelf. She says maybe she should shop alone for the gift bags. Man, LA has some nice adult stores. Look how clean. They come across some suckers shaped in various body parts. Namely a penis and a boobie. Tonya begins to suck on the penis-pop like it hasn't been touched by anyone else. Dane asks Al which she'd rather put in her mouth, Al has no answer, but Dana wants her to make up her mind. Tonya doesn't understand these bisexuals, why don't they make up their minds? Al seems flustered by all this but ultimately chooses rightfully, the boobie.

Casa de Self-Centered.
Bette is home now and carries on like Pavlov's dog. She notes that Tina looks like she's got a pregnant lady glow. She forces upon Tina the usual how's your day, I really don't care, listen to this shit attitude. Saying that the whole four years she has dedicated to this museum lays in the hands of Helena. She doesn't know what she'll do if she loses it. Tina says that the day she spent writing the proposal for kids is just as important. Apparently this little tiff has made T lose her appetite for the truth and decides not to tell B she's knocked up.

Tina's quarters at night.
Bette enters to say goodnight, and that she's sorry for acting like that dog earlier. She also hopes Tina will feel like talking to her tomorrow about the pregnancy thing. Tina thinks maybe she will.

The SoulPlanet.
Alice is adding names to her chart when Bette and Tina stroll in. Bette couldn't force a frown here if she tried. Al sees the togetherness and assumes they have reconciled which they totally haven't. Bette tells her this and says she needs to go see Kit. She is in Marina del Office with Ben Bradshaw of TOES. The Theory of Everything Stiff. Bette walks away pointing to Tina behind her back to Alice, and Tina turns to her and she plays it off real nice. Smiling all the way. Alice wants to know what the low down is cuzz they look like their together. Tina adds "lets just say I'm not ruling it out."

Alice: So Bette was fine with the... Did she freak out?
Tina: I haven't told her yet.
Alice: What? She's gotta know, is she fuckin' blind?
Tina: Bette's pretty wrapped up in herself. It's a problem, it's always been one of her problems.
Alice: This isn't just a Bette problem, you have to tell her.
Tina: Uh yeah.


Marina del Office.
TOES and Kit converse and Bette enters to crash the party. Kit intros them and exposits that the Planet is in the black and not red, she's already paid next months mortgage and also Ben is the best thing that has ever happened to her. Well aside from landing the 50g's from Ivan. TOES thinks that he and Bette should conquer that thing she does when she gets so skeptical. Kit says she's not ready for that. He would also like to personally invite her to the next advanced seminar. Bette says she will give it some thought... skeptical thought.

Starship Voyeur.
Carmen thinks Jenny is weird. We all know this, but Shane says its cuzz she's a writer. And that's what they do. Carmen wants Shane to listen to a Mix CD because she doesn't have a full take on Dana and Tonya. Shane thinks maybe Carmen should give Jenny a chance. "Um Yeah, don't try to hook me up, K?" She just socked it to Shane, Whoa!

Lot 69.
Shane and Camryn Man-hater are going on a field trip to a Russian whore's house, whom she would like to buy the rights to her life story from. Shane is not happy and tries to run away, but no dice, Man-hater calls her back to the limo like a dog. And after their trip they can go get a mani-peddy together. How degrading. I like Camryn Manheim and her character a lot, but someone punch out her lights.

CAC of Wickedness.
James blah blahs something or other, while Bette looks on at the CAC's penniless Peabody grant list. She notices that they got shit while Tina and the ever-so-absent Oscar's, Social Justice proposal got the highest grant out of anyone. To which Bette is none too happy. Merge to...

SJHQ.
Tina yelps OMG we got money. And then realizes Bette and the CAC got shit. Man, life's a bitch.

CAC Beyotch.
Bette answers Hell-o. She squints her eyes something terrible at the thought of Tina getting her money. Tina asks if there is anything she can do? Maybe support her while she gets a new career. She thinks she could have had the compuncture to warn her about it before fucking with her livelihood. Was it some sort of vendetta? Tina says it's not so easy to tell her things. Bette says she's getting upset and... Click. Goodnight phone I had many a lovely chats on you. Now be gone through that glass over there. And cue incessant chanting of FUCK... really loud.

SJHQ.
T is getting a heroes welcome, by her co-workers and also later on a publicist's nightmare with Helena coming to promote her goodness.

Vodka Lane.
BoiSha and Man-hater are at Russian Ho's house. Basically they decide just how Shane will trick her into selling the rights.

SJHQ.
Helena has shown up. As much as I hate this woman's character, I just can't help but drool over her good looks, and that accent. I believe her heart is in the right place, wait a minute, no I don't. Helena congratulates Tina on a Grant well proposed, and she wants a tour of the HQ. Tina is smitten.

Tonya's Drab Pad.
Alice and Dana are putting together those gift bags. Alice wants to know what Dana thought of her when she first laid eyes on her. She thought she had great tits. They spoke volumes to her. Alice thought Dana was a Hottie. No Doubt. So these two are obviously breaking the rules, like what else could happen except the following: Difficult Stripping ensues, with the song Finally by Ce Ce Peniston, and falling off the couch, and sex with more fingers please, and Alice wants more Dana and more sex, and more sex, and blindfolded Dana with whipped cream in front of the refrigerator. And I need a cigarette already.

Vodka Lane.
Man-hater decides Russian Ho needs a breather, but BoiSha must stay and pimp the rights, so she blahs some about her own tricking days. And that is what they say is a done deal.

Limolicious.
Man-hater praises Shane for her harrowing pep talk, and says she's thinking Angelina Jolie or Julia Roberts or Maggie Gyllenhaal if they want something quirky for the film. Shane is like whatever.

SJHQ.
Tina flaunts her pregnant bootie into the heart of Helena, and she tells her she's 14 weeks along. I'm sorry 14 weeks you say? More like 32. Helena asks if she's having twins. Tina says she's just trying to get used to showing. Well, Helena thinks it's quite sexy. Her kids are in NY, and her partner and her are separated, just to clear that up. Tina says she is separated as well. She wants her to have dinner with her but Tina is going to a bachelorette party, then, Tina's co-worker says that Bette is there, with flowers. Tina says that's her X. Dammit, I hate it when people become X's.

SJHQ Office.
Bette has come to apologize and make up. Tina thinks she just can't show up and throw Flowers at it and expect it to go away. Helena decides to grace us with her magnificence. Bette is all, who invited you? She explains she came to promote the foundations new agenda.. That's not what Bette meant, she meant what is she doing with her girlfriend. Helena thinks it's none of her business but Tina doesn't seem to think she is your girlfriend. Bette says she is right, it is none of her business. Wow Tina is a hot item, they are actually about to start marking territory when she breaks it up. Now is not the time. Bette is like, we'll do this thang some other time lady. Helena adds that Tina shouldn't be involved in this in her condition. Bette is all what condition is that? This story, Its like a snowball and it just keeps getting bigger. There better be a big payoff, and soon.

Tonya's Drab Pad.
Tonya is home from shopping with mom and dad, and the girls are nakey on the chair, and Alice is handcuffed. Good thing Tonya forgot how to unlock a door. They get dressed in 2 seconds flat. Alice shoves her hands into a gift bag. Tonya enters with loot and Mom. She goes to her bedroom and Al and Dane quickly release the bonds of love.

Starship Voyeur.
Jenny is writing. In her imagination she is at the Carnival again, working as a candied apple and cotton candy vendor. We hear someone say stop staring at me over and over, and Jenny is staring. All these people have pig faces. I really don't know what to say. The swine are concerned with the path Jenny's imagination is taking.
Bette enters looking for Shane to talk to but ends up with Jenny instead. She asks if Jenny knew about Tina's Baby. Jenny says oh, yeah I did, how did you not know? Because she is the biggest asshole in the universe. Bette say's that she must be some kind of huuuge cosmological joke. Jenny thinks Tina went out of her way to keep it a secret from her. B thinks T must really hate her. Jenny spiels some words of wisdom and Bette stays stupefied. She observes Jenny cut her hair, in a very bizarre mood swing.

Skid Row Shack.
Mark and Gomer Pile, talk about how cool it is to invade peoples privacy, tastefully. As if it could be done any other way.

PlanetSoul.
Mrs. Fairbanks is watching, actually watching a stripper strut her stuff right in front of her at the Planet. She makes her speech, about Dana finding love and that it doesn't matter what form it takes. And she gives them her blessing. Carmen cues the music up again. Alice watches as Dana gets in a little deeper. She tries to leave but Shane stops her. Asking whether or not they had sex basically. Alice can't really lie here, up to this point she has been ok, because, she hadn't slept with Dane yet.

Starship Voyeur.
Mark and Pile set up yet another camera in the girls' house.

PlanetSoul.
Jenny and Bette enter together because they both had a burst of confidence. Bette goes to find Kit. Jenny finds Shane who thinks she should talk to Carmen, but she knows Carmen thinks she's weird. Word. Shane tells her it's always cool to bring the DJ a drink. Tonya thinks its time for Dana's Lap dance. Dana doesn't want to in front of her mom, but Mrs. Fairbanks is already way past the fun stage with her own lap dance.

Starship Voyeur.
Mark and Gomer Pile put the finishing touches on the Privacy Barrier breaking. But Mark draws the line at bathrooms.

PlanetSoul.
Bette wants to know how long everyone knew about the baby thing. They say not long, don't kill yourself over it. Well she wasn't going to, until she realized that the putting on weight thing, really wasn't about her. She thought that if she was eating to cover her pain then it means she's actually still in love with her and also if she was gaining weight that she would have trouble finding someone else... blah blah WTF? Tina has arrived and she has brought Helena. Correct me if I'm wrong, but you don't bring that other someone to the bachelorette party of your completely mutual and really close friends of you and you're ex's, knowing your ex would be there. What a very harsh thing to do. Not even my ex would do that.

Alice: Jesus Mary and Joseph who is that?
Kit: Who Dat?
Bette: I can't believe she brought her here.
Kit: Want me to ask her to leave?


Tina intros Helena to everyone. Helena produces her own version of the gift bag, including that 2g cappuccino maker, Tonya wanted. Bette swaggers over, I can't believe she's not drunk yet. Kit says "Here we go". She greets Tina and Helena with closed fists, no no she doesn't. She just greets Helena, with a handshake, the kind where you don't let go and the two players involved try to crush all the bones to prove how tough they are. Helena thinks she overcompensated. She knows what it's like to be the uninvited guest. But Bette doesn't, she prefers to stay away from places she's not wanted. Tina wants to know what makes her think she's not wanted? Bette leaves. Peace out bitches.

Skid Row Shack.
More commentary from the brilliant Mark. These scenes just tell us what a huge prick this guy is turning out to be.

PlanetSoul.
Tonya grabs Al and makes her give a toast. She says:

"Uh, congratulations you two. I've known Dana a long time, I guess like most things you don't see them until they're gone. Tonya you are the luckiest woman on earth. To my friend, what can I say? Congratulations, I Love you."

All the couples are dancing, except, Alice and Bette. Alice asks Bette if she wants to get out of there, Bette concurs but there is one more thing she has to do. Bette's Speech.:

"Dana, Tonya I lift my glass, to caring, kindness, and trust and longevity and respect, to all the things that you'll need to keep your love alive. I wish you happiness, and I hope that each of you forever spare each other pain. And if you find that isn't possible then I wish you forgiveness."

Tina stares as Bette leaves.

Starship Voyeur.

Shane brings home random girl #4,376 that night or the next morning, it appears. Mark watches on as the wheels of stupidity crank away in his head. He watches as Shane fucks the girl. Meanwhile Shane is looking kind of into it, but not really.

Ok, well I'm not sure but I think things are looking up, for our rowdy bunch. It can only get better for them from here... right?

Next week on The L Word.
Helena knew she wanted to Sleep with T, Bette knows that too, and naturally insults Helena to stop the inevitable. Alice will not be Dana's other woman, she wants her to tell Tonya. And Foxy Brown hits it with TOES.



 


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