This week we open with Gomey and his day job, as a security guard, at what
appears to be an important company. He directs an old lady towards the
second set of elevators to the right. But to the left is the staircase and
there is why they call it Showtime. Gomer Pile proceeds to watch a hidden
camera in a staircase. So we've touched on the whole lesbian scene now we
are moving on to fetishes. This week it's Voyeurism and it looks like its
here to stay. Maybe it will be S&M next, or feet. We are also ogling the
couple in said staircase. They just can't keep it in their pants any longer,
if they did, it would be so wrong. Gomey calls Mark to tell him he's hit
All right this new flashy intro and the Jenny boobs is all I can stands. I
say we experiment and try a different one each week.
Casa de Despair.
Bette opens the door and there is Tina. Despair no more I say. I think Bette
just smiled. OMG its like she's a kid in a candy store or like seeing porn
for the first time. She's packed up and came home after JW nearly molested
her. Tina lets her know that she can't stay another minute with the Wisch
for something she didn't do and that she is going to stay in the guest
bedroom until further notice. Oh and by the way I gained some weight. Bette
is just happy that T is standing in front of her in their house. The tension
between them mounts... heh mounts. It's all good though cuzz Bette has a
Skid Row Shack.
So Gomer Pile and Mark are viewing the voyeur porn. It's a quality fuck tape
says Pile. Mark says he has a project in the works, he can't discuss right
now, but he tells me its genius. Hmm, I believe that putting up hidden
cameras to spy on girls has been done before.
Shane and some dude... oh wait it's Jenny? These fine seconds will dawn the
haircut of a century. Never mind that I was starting to think she was cute,
she spat upon me with this trifling do. Jenny loves her haircut because now
that her image screams LESBIAN she can land hot chicks. They shimmy away. Is
it not LA because Jenny is dressed like it is NY.
Casa de Blindasbat.
Gaymo(m) is in the tub soaking away her self-loathing. She covers up her
huge boobs before Flashdance enters, thinking maybe she'd want some fresh
towels. Yeah right, if my sexy x- better half were in there I wouldn't be
thinking about towels. T tells B that she has something she'd like to talk
to her about if she'll be home later. Bette would be much obliged to be home
if she wants her to be. They agree and Bette sees the candy again.
Skid Row Shack.
Mark's opener for his direct to video is chock full of hetero male cliché.
Which he and I both agree is "fucking lame". So scratch that.
CAC Home of the Comeback Kid.
Bette explains to James that she wants him to take his time finding Tina's
place. She adds that Tina is back at home and with a little, "ensconcing"
maybe she won't find a need to live elsewhere. James understands that he
shouldn't look to hard but keep looking, wink wink. Have I mentioned how
awesome Jennifer Beals looks in her amazing wardrobe?
Three's a Company.
Jenny and Shane are done scoping the sidewalks for chicks and come home to
find a camera set up in their living room. Mark wants to interview them
offering $20 a session for their time. BoiSha and HairJen are eating bagels
and since when does Jenny know what a run-on sentence is? She has suddenly
grown a brain in a few short days. It must be the hair, or the revelation of
being a lesbian, totally makes you smarter. She spurts out numerous quips
that even Seinfeld can't compete with. Anyhoo basically the girls are on to
him and tell him to lighten up because he's too aggressive, and it's
embarrassing. That and he's pissing off Shane. He wants them to sign a
release form. The girls leave him to wallow in his own annoyance.
Victoria's Dirty Secret.
Caution: Hilarious scene ahead. You must find someone who has access to this
show. If you can't, I can't be held responsible for the recaps that slaughter
scenes this great. Tonya has about a 13" dildo in her hands and she's
taunting 40 Love with it. Al looks through some colorful dildos on a glass
shelf. She says maybe she should shop alone for the gift bags. Man, LA has
some nice adult stores. Look how clean. They come across some suckers shaped
in various body parts. Namely a penis and a boobie. Tonya begins to suck on
the penis-pop like it hasn't been touched by anyone else. Dane asks Al which
she'd rather put in her mouth, Al has no answer, but Dana wants her to make
up her mind. Tonya doesn't understand these bisexuals, why don't they make
up their minds? Al seems flustered by all this but ultimately chooses
rightfully, the boobie.
Casa de Self-Centered.
Bette is home now and carries on like Pavlov's dog. She notes that Tina
looks like she's got a pregnant lady glow. She forces upon Tina the usual
how's your day, I really don't care, listen to this shit attitude. Saying
that the whole four years she has dedicated to this museum lays in the hands
of Helena. She doesn't know what she'll do if she loses it. Tina says that
the day she spent writing the proposal for kids is just as important.
Apparently this little tiff has made T lose her appetite for the truth and
decides not to tell B she's knocked up.
Tina's quarters at night.
Bette enters to say goodnight, and that she's sorry for acting like that dog
earlier. She also hopes Tina will feel like talking to her tomorrow about
the pregnancy thing. Tina thinks maybe she will.
Alice is adding names to her chart when Bette and Tina stroll in. Bette
couldn't force a frown here if she tried. Al sees the togetherness and
assumes they have reconciled which they totally haven't. Bette tells her
this and says she needs to go see Kit. She is in Marina del Office with Ben
Bradshaw of TOES. The Theory of Everything Stiff. Bette walks away pointing
to Tina behind her back to Alice, and Tina turns to her and she plays it off
real nice. Smiling all the way. Alice wants to know what the low down is cuzz they look like their together. Tina adds "lets just say I'm not ruling
Alice: So Bette was fine with the... Did she freak out?
Tina: I haven't told her yet.
Alice: What? She's gotta know, is she fuckin' blind?
Tina: Bette's pretty wrapped up in herself. It's a problem, it's always been
one of her problems.
Alice: This isn't just a Bette problem, you have to tell her.
Tina: Uh yeah.
Marina del Office.
TOES and Kit converse and Bette enters to crash the party. Kit intros them
and exposits that the Planet is in the black and not red, she's already paid
next months mortgage and also Ben is the best thing that has ever happened
to her. Well aside from landing the 50g's from Ivan. TOES thinks that he and
Bette should conquer that thing she does when she gets so skeptical. Kit
says she's not ready for that. He would also like to personally invite her
to the next advanced seminar. Bette says she will give it some thought...
Carmen thinks Jenny is weird. We all know this, but Shane says its cuzz
she's a writer. And that's what they do. Carmen wants Shane to listen to a
Mix CD because she doesn't have a full take on Dana and Tonya. Shane thinks
maybe Carmen should give Jenny a chance. "Um Yeah, don't try to hook me up,
K?" She just socked it to Shane, Whoa!
Shane and Camryn Man-hater are going on a field trip to a Russian whore's
house, whom she would like to buy the rights to her life story from. Shane
is not happy and tries to run away, but no dice, Man-hater calls her back to
the limo like a dog. And after their trip they can go get a mani-peddy
together. How degrading. I like Camryn Manheim and her character a lot,
but someone punch out her lights.
CAC of Wickedness.
James blah blahs something or other, while Bette looks on at the CAC's
penniless Peabody grant list. She notices that they got shit while Tina and
the ever-so-absent Oscar's, Social Justice proposal got the highest grant
out of anyone. To which Bette is none too happy. Merge to...
Tina yelps OMG we got money. And then realizes Bette and the CAC got shit.
Man, life's a bitch.
Bette answers Hell-o. She squints her eyes something terrible at the thought
of Tina getting her money. Tina asks if there is anything she can do? Maybe
support her while she gets a new career. She thinks she could have had the
compuncture to warn her about it before fucking with her livelihood. Was it
some sort of vendetta? Tina says it's not so easy to tell her things. Bette
says she's getting upset and... Click. Goodnight phone I had many a lovely
chats on you. Now be gone through that glass over there. And cue incessant
chanting of FUCK... really loud.
T is getting a heroes welcome, by her co-workers and also later on a
publicist's nightmare with Helena coming to promote her goodness.
BoiSha and Man-hater are at Russian Ho's house. Basically they decide just
how Shane will trick her into selling the rights.
Helena has shown up. As much as I hate this woman's character, I just can't
help but drool over her good looks, and that accent. I believe her heart is
in the right place, wait a minute, no I don't. Helena congratulates Tina on
a Grant well proposed, and she wants a tour of the HQ. Tina is smitten.
Tonya's Drab Pad.
Alice and Dana are putting together those gift bags. Alice wants to know
what Dana thought of her when she first laid eyes on her. She thought she
had great tits. They spoke volumes to her. Alice thought Dana was a Hottie.
No Doubt. So these two are obviously breaking the rules, like what else
could happen except the following: Difficult Stripping ensues, with the song
Finally by Ce Ce Peniston, and falling off the couch, and sex with more fingers please, and
Alice wants more Dana and more sex, and more sex, and blindfolded Dana with
whipped cream in front of the refrigerator. And I need a cigarette already.
Man-hater decides Russian Ho needs a breather, but BoiSha must stay and pimp
the rights, so she blahs some about her own tricking days. And that is what
they say is a done deal.
Man-hater praises Shane for her harrowing pep talk, and says she's thinking
Angelina Jolie or Julia Roberts or Maggie Gyllenhaal if they want something
quirky for the film. Shane is like whatever.
Tina flaunts her pregnant bootie into the heart of Helena, and she tells her
she's 14 weeks along. I'm sorry 14 weeks you say? More like 32. Helena asks
if she's having twins. Tina says she's just trying to get used to showing.
Well, Helena thinks it's quite sexy. Her kids are in NY, and her partner and
her are separated, just to clear that up. Tina says she is separated as
well. She wants her to have dinner with her but Tina is going to a bachelorette party, then, Tina's co-worker says that Bette is there, with
flowers. Tina says that's her X. Dammit, I hate it when people become X's.
Bette has come to apologize and make up. Tina thinks she just can't show up
and throw Flowers at it and expect it to go away. Helena decides to grace us
with her magnificence. Bette is all, who invited you? She explains she came
to promote the foundations new agenda.. That's not what Bette meant, she
meant what is she doing with her girlfriend. Helena thinks it's none of her
business but Tina doesn't seem to think she is your girlfriend. Bette says
she is right, it is none of her business. Wow Tina is a hot item, they are
actually about to start marking territory when she breaks it up. Now is not
the time. Bette is like, we'll do this thang some other time lady. Helena
adds that Tina shouldn't be involved in this in her condition. Bette is all
what condition is that? This story, Its like a snowball and it just keeps
getting bigger. There better be a big payoff, and soon.
Tonya's Drab Pad.
Tonya is home from shopping with mom and dad, and the girls are nakey on the
chair, and Alice is handcuffed. Good thing Tonya forgot how to unlock a
door. They get dressed in 2 seconds flat. Alice shoves her hands into a gift
bag. Tonya enters with loot and Mom. She goes to her bedroom and Al and Dane
quickly release the bonds of love.
Jenny is writing. In her imagination she is at the Carnival again, working
as a candied apple and cotton candy vendor. We hear someone say stop staring
at me over and over, and Jenny is staring. All these people have pig faces.
I really don't know what to say. The swine are concerned with the path
Jenny's imagination is taking.
Bette enters looking for Shane to talk to but ends up with Jenny instead.
She asks if Jenny knew about Tina's Baby. Jenny says oh, yeah I did, how did
you not know? Because she is the biggest asshole in the universe. Bette
say's that she must be some kind of huuuge cosmological joke. Jenny thinks
Tina went out of her way to keep it a secret from her. B thinks T must
really hate her. Jenny spiels some words of wisdom and Bette stays
stupefied. She observes Jenny cut her hair, in a very bizarre mood swing.
Skid Row Shack.
Mark and Gomer Pile, talk about how cool it is to invade peoples privacy,
tastefully. As if it could be done any other way.
Mrs. Fairbanks is watching, actually watching a stripper strut her stuff
right in front of her at the Planet. She makes her speech, about Dana
finding love and that it doesn't matter what form it takes. And she gives
them her blessing. Carmen cues the music up again. Alice watches as Dana
gets in a little deeper. She tries to leave but Shane stops her. Asking
whether or not they had sex basically. Alice can't really lie here, up to
this point she has been ok, because, she hadn't slept with Dane yet.
Mark and Pile set up yet another camera in the girls' house.
Jenny and Bette enter together because they both had a burst of confidence.
Bette goes to find Kit. Jenny finds Shane who thinks she should talk to
Carmen, but she knows Carmen thinks she's weird. Word. Shane tells her it's
always cool to bring the DJ a drink. Tonya thinks its time for Dana's Lap
dance. Dana doesn't want to in front of her mom, but Mrs. Fairbanks is
already way past the fun stage with her own lap dance.
Mark and Gomer Pile put the finishing touches on the Privacy Barrier
breaking. But Mark draws the line at bathrooms.
Bette wants to know how long everyone knew about the baby thing. They say
not long, don't kill yourself over it. Well she wasn't going to, until she
realized that the putting on weight thing, really wasn't about her. She
thought that if she was eating to cover her pain then it means she's
actually still in love with her and also if she was gaining weight that she
would have trouble finding someone else... blah blah WTF? Tina has arrived
and she has brought Helena. Correct me if I'm wrong, but you don't bring
that other someone to the bachelorette party of your completely mutual and
really close friends of you and you're ex's, knowing your ex would be there.
What a very harsh thing to do. Not even my ex would do that.
Alice: Jesus Mary and Joseph who is that?
Kit: Who Dat?
Bette: I can't believe she brought her here.
Kit: Want me to ask her to leave?
Tina intros Helena to everyone. Helena produces her own version of the gift
bag, including that 2g cappuccino maker, Tonya wanted. Bette swaggers over,
I can't believe she's not drunk yet. Kit says "Here we go". She greets Tina
and Helena with closed fists, no no she doesn't. She just greets Helena,
with a handshake, the kind where you don't let go and the two players
involved try to crush all the bones to prove how tough they are. Helena
thinks she overcompensated. She knows what it's like to be the uninvited
guest. But Bette doesn't, she prefers to stay away from places she's not
wanted. Tina wants to know what makes her think she's not wanted? Bette
leaves. Peace out bitches.
Skid Row Shack.
More commentary from the brilliant Mark. These scenes just tell us what a
huge prick this guy is turning out to be.
Tonya grabs Al and makes her give a toast. She says:
"Uh, congratulations you two. I've known Dana a long time, I guess like
most things you don't see them until they're gone. Tonya you are the luckiest
woman on earth. To my friend, what can I say? Congratulations, I Love you."
All the couples are dancing, except, Alice and Bette. Alice asks Bette if
she wants to get out of there, Bette concurs but there is one more thing she
has to do. Bette's Speech.:
"Dana, Tonya I lift my glass, to caring,
kindness, and trust and longevity and respect, to all the things that you'll
need to keep your love alive. I wish you happiness, and I hope that each of
you forever spare each other pain. And if you find that isn't possible then
I wish you forgiveness."
Tina stares as Bette leaves.
Shane brings home random girl #4,376 that night or the next morning, it appears. Mark
watches on as the wheels of stupidity crank away in his head. He watches as
Shane fucks the girl. Meanwhile Shane is looking kind of into it, but not
Ok, well I'm not sure but I think things are looking up, for our rowdy
bunch. It can only get better for them from here... right?
Next week on The L Word.
Helena knew she wanted to Sleep with T, Bette knows that too, and naturally
insults Helena to stop the inevitable. Alice will not be Dana's other woman,
she wants her to tell Tonya. And Foxy Brown hits it with TOES.