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:: L Y N C H  P I N ::
Ep. 204
By The Sci-Fi Bard

(Okay, this is SO unfair! While I'm re-watching and recapping episode 4 of Season 2, my lovely girlfriend who has come to stay, has decided to watch episode 12 of my Season 1 DVD box set of The L Word!!! So I'm recapping Season 2 using the written word, whilst simultaneously recapping Season 1 VERBALLY! ARGH! TOO MUCH JENNY! *faints*)
 
Fade Up On
 
Previously on The L Word.....
 
*cue recap of last weeks' episode*
 
Fade Up On
 
New York City - Present Day
 
Oh it's so so nice not to have to sit through the often-arty, flashback, opening-sequences that graced season 1 with their presence! ;-)

A raven-haired woman (we learned in last weeks' preview that this is Helena Peabody) and her rather handsome therapist sit and discuss why they should/shouldn't continue their affair. Handsome Therapist says she took advantage of her patient. Helena reeeeeeeally seems to want to carry on where they left off. Handsome Therapist valiantly resists. Helena starts to undress, walks over and snogs her therapist until the other woman's resolve evaporates and it's tongues ahoy folks!
 
Fade Up On
 
Opening Credits Sequence
 
Ok, the more I see the new visuals and listen to the new theme song the more I'm learning to like it all. Is that wrong of me? Should I be sectioned? Or is it all so trashy and well-designed and MEANT to grow on us viewers that, by the time season 2 ends I wont be able to imagine The L Word WITHOUT the new opening titles?!!!
 
Enquiring lesbian minds need to know!......
 
Fade Up On
 
Nearly all the gang are at The Planet.
 
Alice wickedly ventures the premise that "A fairy godmother visits and gives you a penis for 24 hours...what would you do with it?"
 
Shane would "pee on every bush standing up" she could find. Er, call me quaint, but if someone offered me the use of a todger for the day, I'm DAMN sure I could find better uses for it than marking territory! Someone asks the obvious question: wouldn't Shane use it to fuck women? Shane reminds everyone, like the fox that she is, that she doesn't
need a dick to do that! ;-) *purrrrr*
 
Tina wants to know how big her penis would be. (what? NOT what colour?) Alice takes one look at her and decides her love tool would be really big. LOL! She adds that her own would be a "giant sausage!" (I did wonder what 'Lisa' saw in her last season....)
 
Jenny (who I've decided can no longer be called by her nickname of 'The Weird One', as she's surprisingly normal and human so far this season!) thinks she'd have a really small dick. ('Cause men with small cocks have to try really hard to please their women! WHO KNEW! lol!) Tina smirks and mentions she's beginning to think Jenny is reeeeally a follower of Sappho.
 
Sex-On-Legs-Shane casually remarks that Hot-Carmen seems to like Jenny, which is greeted with surprise and words of encouragement for the writer from the assembled group. Kit even thinks Hot-Carmen is "all that!". I whole-heartedly agree with her! *purrrrr*
 
Speaking of Kit, she thanks Alice for something which leads to Tina finding out Bette is in New York for a few days.
 
Cut To
 
Bette arriving in a taxi to her New York hotel. She's on the phone. Helena's cancelled their meeting and Bette is miffed.
 
Cut To
 
Sex-On-Legs and Jenny interviewing a potential roommate. 'Feef', they decide, is NOT the roommate for them, and they come up with 'signals' to give each other when one of their interviewees isn't suitable. Cute ;-)
 
Cut To
 
Tina and Lawyer Lady walking into Tina & Bette's house. They're taking the opportunity while the cat's away to do inventory on all Bette's property. Lawyer Lady is vile and lawyer-like and money-grabbing as usual. As they look at a painting Bette loves, Tina hears Bette saying her name, echoing in her mind.
 
Ah the pangs of lost love......
 
Out on the patio by the pool, Lawyer Lady continues to be lawyer-like, assessing the value of everything, INCLUDING a lovely statue of Buddha. OH, Lord Siddartha will be turning in his grave woman! Give it a rest! Lawyer Lady is slimy and tries to be humorous, but just comes off as slimy and lawyer-like. Ew.
 
Cut Back To
 
Sex-On-Legs and Jenny with the next potential roommate. Who turns out to be a really nice guy called Ewan who works long hours, likes good music, is gay, and......
 
happens to walk around nude a lot, as he's a naturist! He then proceeds to strip off, offering the ladies a taste of what they can expect......*cue Jenny imploring him to stop* Methinks the boy just blew it! lol!
 
Cut To
 
The NEXT potential roommate! This one is far too ordered and way too crunchy granola. Both ladies use their 'signals'.
 
NEXT!
 
Cut To
 
Kit arriving for a business owners workshop, held by a 'Dr. Benjamin Bradshaw'. It's entitled, "The Theory Of Everything" or "TOE".
 
Personally, I'm always wary of these seminar-type workshops. IF the people who ran them are so successful that they are handing out advice which people have to PAY for, then WHY are they running seminar-type workshops and NOT sunning themselves on their multi-million $ desert islands which they've bought with all the proceeds from their HUGE multi-million $ amazingly successful businesses?! Hmmm? Eh? ANSWER ME THAT!!!
 
*annnnnd relax....*
 
Cut To
 
Tina working. Lawyer Lady knocks on her door and immediately is smarmy and overly complimentary blah blah blah. Quite why she doesn't just walk in with a big sign saying 'TINA, I WANNA BANG YOU - HOW ABOUT IT BABY?!' is beyond me. It'd be much less hassle for her with MUCH the same outcome I'm sure. Quicker too! Tina, being ever gracious, accepts the compliments and says a heartfelt thanks to Lawyer Lady for everything she's done for her etc.
 
Cut Back To
 
Dr. Benjamin Bradshaw telling the assembled room that,
 
"there is no negative without a positive....." (HOW ABOUT your whole family die in a car crash and leave you an orphan? I doubt there'd be much positivity floating around the day THAT happens matey!)
 
Dr Bradshaw then talks about ferrets (honest!) and ostriches (REALLY!) and then calls Kit a "sybaritic alley cat". IMHO this Doctor guy is tryin' to dazzle people with his command of language and come off as knowledgeable, without really saying much at all. *sniffs, and gets a whiff of flim-flam*
 
NB: for all those not in the know, (i.e. most EVERYONE), sybaritic (it's an adjective don't-ya-know...) means - devoted to pleasure and luxury.
 
Cut To
 
Jenny typing away furiously on her laptop. *groans* Cue annoying black and white, arty representation of what she's
writing. (As usual) However, don't turn off your TV, cause guess what!? In THIS arty representation Jenny gets shot!
 
YIPPEE!
 
Oh poo. She's not dead for real tho, cause Shane walks in and bursts her creative flow bubble. Bummer.
 
NB: just HOW does a woman as "so broke" as Jenny afford a swanky laptop anyhoo? Hmmmm.....
 
Sex-On-Legs-Shane and Jenny then have a convo about Hot-Carmen. Jenny wonders if Shane is ok with Jenny maybe asking Hot-Carmen out and Sex-On-Legs does her caring friend bit by saying it's cool etc. Love her or hate her, Shane really does treat her friends well. She's so sweet to them. Mind you, she's also clearly INSANE, cause if I had a shot at Hot-Carmen the very very last thing on earth I'd be doing would be to let ex-freako, fright-wigged, arty-farty Jenny anywhere near her! Ewwwww! *rolls eyes* Shane Shane Shane......... you KNOW you're gonna end up with the hotness that IS Carmen, so stop tryin' to fight it girlfriend!
 
Shane offers to invite Hot-Carmen over so she and Jenny can meet up again etc. *shakes head sadly at the tragedy of it all*
 
Cut Back To
 
Dr Bradshaw (or Flim-Flam Man, as he will be known from now on...) doing a book signing. Oh look, here's Kit with a book for him to sign "To my favourite pleasure-lovin' pussy" in.
 
Flim-Flam Man offers up the sagely advice that Kit should simply add $5 to the price of the best selling dessert at The Planet, and she'll be well on her way to a successful business. Kit (wisely) is not convinced, but Flim-Flam Man insists it will work etc, and also manages to suggest Kit should sign up to his 'Advanced Seminar' with the profits from said overpriced dessert! (Okay, anyone else thinking Flim-Flam and Lawyer Lady could be related, please raise your hands....)
 
*wonders briefly if 'signing up to my Advanced Seminar', is the same as, 'would you like to come up and see my etchings?'*
 
Cut To
 
A movie set, with a potty-mouthed director raging about the fact that the star of her film is being awkward and demanding etc *cough* Karina Lombard anyone? *cough*
 
Sex-On-Legs-Shane toddles over to said awkward star and talks to her gently, complimenting her and starts doing her hair. Where most would have used a wooden chair and a whip to tame the starlet, our Shane just needed a comb! ;-) However, whilst trying to calm little miss starlet down, Shane refers to the director as "one crazy bitch", which WOULD be fine (and probably accurate too) except that Crazy Bitch Director (as she will be known from now on. Btw, she's played by Camryn Manheim) has her headphones on and can hear everything Shane's saying, cause starlet girl is mic'd up!
 
EEEP!
 
Crazy Bitch Director tells a lackey that she wants to see Sex-On-Legs in her trailer later. And I'm thinking it WON'T be for a perm.
 
Cut To
 
A housewife from the 50's walking down a New York street.  Oops! My bad. It's BETTE walking down a New York street. She arrives at The Peabody Foundation and gets buzzed in.
 
Cut To
 
Bette meeting Helena upstairs.  Somehow I just didn't picture Helena having a crisp British accent. Oh well.
Helena hasn't read the CAC's proposal. Helena wants to concentrate more on Social Justice Programs instead of art. Bette is sympathetic to that, but she also knows it won't be putting any Jackson Pollocks on the wall of the CAC and so starts fighting her corner. "Helena, civilizations wither and die without the arts!" she implores, but doesn't manage to get any further with her pleading, as, just then, Helena's two kids arrive, being dropped off by their nanny.
 
Bette is partially ignored as Helena catches up with her kids, but mommy insists she'll give the art gallery proposal a fair and fast hearing.
 
Cut To
 
Sex-On-Legs-Shane being led by yet another lackey to The Trailer Of Doom!
 
The interior of said trailer is remarkable similar to the interior of a 45ft yacht I cleaned last week! But I digress...
 
Crazy Bitch Director is all business and potty-mouth and info on her mobile phone. Shane comes in and finds out she was heard before with the starlet and so apologizes etc. Crazy Bitch Director goes off on one, insulting Shane, bigging-up herself (hello! ego-a-go-go folks!) and so Shane decides she'd had enough and goes to leave. Only to be restrained by the eventual offer of goddamn JOB by said director! As her "new assistant...." LMAO! (Ok, I WANT to live in a world like Shane does, where hot chicks like Carmen come on to me and powerful directors insult me then offer me a higher paid jobs without asking for a CV! LOL!)
 
Shane looks suitably stunned and reiterates the fact that she's just a hairdresser. Crazy Bitch Director however, knows to keep those with "special skills" close to her (wise woman) and urges Sex-On-Legs to think it over.
 
Ok, so I'm liking Crazy Bitch Director so far ;-) hehe. She's got chutzpah, says what she thinks and KNOWS Shane has special talents ;-) So she has more ego than the entire Kodak Theater on Oscar night! So what! She makes me smirk, so I like her!
 
Cut Back To
 
Bette, trying to get Helena on the phone and being fobbed off by her secretary again.
 
Cut To
 
Jenny interviewing the next potential roommate. This one is quite sweet and accommodating, so far.... Sex-On-Legs arrives late and joins in. Sweet & Accommodating then asks a nervous question. She wants to know if the two roommates are an 'item'. Shane and Jenny insist they are just friends.  Cue Sweet & Accommodating getting out leaflets from her church group - seemingly her nifty little group can help people get out of the "homosexual lifestyle". How quaint. (Methinks she should spend the evening with Shane - that way she could be inducted INTO the "homosexual lifestyle", and I bet it'd be way less painless and yawn-inducing than going to church! *weg*)
 
Annnnnd out the door goes Sally!
 
Then IN the door comes a guy with a camcorder! It's Mark and he's looking for a room. Mark is recording EVERYTHING as it happens. Mark is already slightly annoying, (ergo he will henceforth be known only as Camcorder Guy) but he does look like Ethan Hawke. If Ethan Hawke were taller. And carried a camcorder everywhere.
 
Shane and Jenny interview him, and Camcorder Guy wants to do documentaries. This strikes a cord with Jenny, as she's a struggling artiste too. Oh lordy, TWO of them on the go at the same time - what a prospect! Shane looks unconvinced, but he then mentions he can stump up "first, last, security and 6 months rent up front in cash", so the roommate balance could very well be tipping his way. (Plus, he hasn't tried to 'cure' anyone of being gay so far, so that's always a bonus.....)
 
Cut To
 
Rides at an amusement park. CAT KILLER!, Dana, Alice and a mystery guy are on one of the rides.  Turns out Mystery Guy is Alice's DATE! lol! Weevil CAT KILLER! set them up on a blind date. BOOO!  Alice and Dana sit the next ride out and end up having yet another angsty, heated conversation about what they both 'want'. Dana decides to make her feelings perfectly clear by soundly kissing Alice! (Seems like flirting with Mystery Guy paid off then, eh Alice..... *g*)
 
Cut To
 
Bette. Oh dear. She's gone to the source in her quest for funding.  Before her lay Peggy Peabody AND a rather buff younger guy) and they are BOTH getting naked massages! Thankfully they are partially covered by towels (phew!) as Bette appeals to Peggy to make sure the CAC will get it's funding. Peggy tells Bette to have faith in her daughter, Helena, and then proceeds to snog her boytoy lover (btw, he doesn't speak a word of English! GO Peggy! lol!)
 
Cut To
 
Bette walking along a little later, getting fobbed off on her mobile YET AGAIN by Helena's secretary. Poor Bette. Like I said, she just can't seem to catch a break right now. Bette is running out of options......
 
Cut To
 
Camcorder Guy arriving at his new pad (Shane and Jenny's studio) with a pal in tow. He's starting to move in.
 
Cut Back To
 
Bette arriving by taxi at a posh bar. We can tell it's a posh bar cause she orders an "Absolut Martini" and isn't greeted with the answer "dude, we only serve fucking beer!". Eye contact is made by a sexy lady across the room, but Bette just drinks her tipple for the moment.
 
Cut To
 
Tina, leaving a 'thank-you' pot-plant at Lawyer Lady's door.
 
Cut Back To
 
Absolut Bette. Y'know, I'm getting the feeling that alcohol and Miss Porter shouldn't really mix. Bette takes off her topcoat, takes off across the room and asks Eye-Contact lady if she'd like to dance. (In a tone of voice that's more like, "would you like to have me over a table right now?") And dance they do.
 
Cut To
 
Alice arriving with beer at Shane and Jenny's. (Maybe we should call it 'Jane's'? Shenny's? Sex-On-Legs & Freako's Big Bizarre Bonking House? I'm open to suggestions folks......) Hot-Carmen is there, and so we see the results of Shane having offered to invite her over again for Jenny's benefit.
 
Sex-On-Legs lounges with a nameless cutie draped over her on the sofa. Hot-Carmen finds a record in their collection that she adores. Turns out it's Jenny's. Blech. Ooh. How. Exciting. Hot-Carmen. And. Jenny. Share. A. Common. Interest. Meanwhile Carmen is checking out Shane being smooched on the sofa, and pretending really hard that she doesn't mind that happening.
 
Cut To
 
Lawyer Lady arriving at Tina's to say thanks for the orchid. (Orchid!? Jesus woman, just give her a pansy or something as a thank you, like everyone else would!) Tina is REALLY appreciative of all that Lawyer Lady's done for her.  Lawyer Lady takes that to mean 'kiss me, I want you now and I KNOW you want me too!' Tina pulls back and Lawyer Lady thinks she's just concerned cause she's pregnant and all, so goes in for another kiss. Tina pulls away again, as she clearly doesn't want this, but Lawyer Lady is as thick as two short planks and goes in for yet another kiss! DUH! Tina's had enough and gets up and walks away, clearly distressed. 

Cut Back To
 
Shenny's, (It's better than Jane's. I decided. Prove me wrong!) where Shane's nameless piece of fluff is discussing the most recent incarnation of Gabby Deveaux. (Remember her from Season 1 folks? She messed with Alice big time) The idea of S&M Gabby doesn't go down well with anyone is seems. Hot-Carmen sits and watches Sex-On-Legs sucking on Nameless Fluff's face and finally decides to cut her losses and leaves. Awwwww! Come back Hot-Carmen! FIGHT for your girl!
 
Cut Back To
 
Tina, all packed and leaving Lawyer Lady's guesthouse. YOU GO GIRLY GIRL! GROW that backbone! YEAH!
 
Cut To
 
Camcorder Guy and his brainless pal, bringing in his stuff and setting it up etc. Brainless Pal spies Shane and Nameless Fluff making out in the kitchen window. Brainless Pal makes like Beavis and Butthead. Camcorder Guy seems very restrained and respectful about the whole thing. For a red blooded male that is. (Or perhaps he just doesn't realize his Brainless Pal's just struck lesbian gold!)
 
Cut Back To
 
Shane. As she leads all the remaining ladies out for skinny-dipping in Bette's pool! Ah yes, the dipping of skinny. I believe that's a prerequisite in the Handbook For Lesbian Behaviour (published by the Handbook For Lesbian Behaviour's Press btw)
 
Cut Back To
 
Bette entering her hotel room, WITH Eye-Contact Lady in tow. My my Bette's gonna get some! *weg* Cue snogging. (but it's not with Tina!) Cue undressing Eye-Contact Lady. (but it's not with Tina!) Cue standing-up sex, (but it's not with Tina!) and briefly, Bette is back on top again, and in control of things as she takes her conquest.
 
Cut Back To
 
Jenny meeting Camcorder Guy next door whilst the followers of Sappho continue to frolic as god intended behind them in the pool. A conversation ensues about the women being gay, and just how one is able to tell that women are gay. Camcorder Guy, again, displays remarkable intelligence and restraint etc, mentioning hair length and other factors etc. Perhaps I was wrong about him being annoying.......
 
Cut Back To
 
Bette.  The morning after.  She sits, watches her new lover sleeping and fiddles with her Wedding rings.
:-( but it's NOT with Tina. Is it, Bette?
 
Cut To
 
Sex-On-Legs finding Jenny still awake and sitting in the kitchen.  She asks Shane to cut her hair. SHORT.
eep! GODDAMIT! I was JUST getting to think Jenny was looking like a human being - her hair was no longer
 frightwig-ish etc - and now she's gonna get Shane to chop it all off! NOOOOOOOOO!
 
Sex-On-Legs considers, then starts doing her thang with the scissors.
 
Tears run down Jenny's cheeks (everything with her is drama....) and.....
 
Fade Up On
 
End Credits
 
Next Week On The L Word.....
 
Bette confronts Helena with Tina (OH THE SHOCK!)
Helena lets slip in front of Bette about Tina's "condition" (OH THE HUMANITY!)
Alice and Dana seriously get with the lip-locking - are they
discovered by CAT KILLER! ? - (OH GOD, YES PLEASE!)
Camcorder Guy lets me and himself down by revealing himself to be a
dirty lech - he's put secret cams all through Shenny's! (OH THE
INTRIGUE! OH THE VIDEO SALES POTENTIAL!)
 
Roll on the next 10,080 minutes folks!!!!!!!!!!! Bring it on! *weg*
 


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