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:: L O N E L I E S T  N U M B E R ::
 "Loneliest Number of Fools"
Ep. 203
By Hollywood

Present Day Dreamland.
Alice is typing on an APPLE laptop. Are they still in business? She's typing an erotic story about 40 Love. Enter Tonya Hot Pink. She knows Al wants Dane and she's badbadbadbadbad for it to. Also Al shouldn't forget the bodacious ta ta's if they are going to do it. Tonya states for the record someone's hungry for you know what. And its Dana.

Roll credits.
FFW. I would've stayed for the Jive beat.

Wischnia War Room.
Gaymo(m) and Flashdance are with their lawyers. Bette will have plenty to do by episode's end. Anyhoo. T wants her autonomy dammit, and JW's gonna get it for her no matter what. She wants Tina happy, and in her bed. They discuss the asset division and Joyce is not satisfied. She says this is a final separation. At this point Bette grovels to Tina and asks her not to do this to them. JW says it was her that did the doing. She thinks Bette is a loser and that it's a little late to be apologetic. JW tries to manhandle Bette out of Tina's grill and gets shrugged off. So they reschedule for another time when "everyone's not quite so dramatic". How dare they be dramatic. JW wants Tina to stay away from Bette till this is over. Now "what do you need?" Ice Cream sundae, foot massage [sex]. My guest house then. Tina tries to say no but JW's not havin' it.

Dangerous Intersections.
Great, Bette is gonna get in a wreck. Let me tell you from experience, that when leaving a stressful situation such as an unforgiving ex, you can't drive for shit, and Bette proves it. Ok, we're driving. Hey Bette, red light...no no not the trademarked Saab. Screech Slam. Goodbye Blue Saab. Baldy McShorty knocks on the Saab's window and demands Bette exit the vehicle. So she does. And it's not gonna be pretty.

B: You need to stop yelling. No one was hurt, I have insurance, so shut the fuck up, beyotch. Do you understand or do I have to yell like a fucking insane savage?!?!
B McS: Your gonna be one sorry bitch!!
B: (Grabbing his collar with both hands) What makes you think I'm not already? What makes you think I'm not already?


Planet Whatthehellhappened?
Kit gives a lackey instructions. She is totally fucking up the lesbian chi here. She's turning it into Soul Planet. Al & Shane think she needs to get a load of Gaytown up in the hizzy. Kit blahs about some guy that she booked and really, no one knows who he is. She frankly is surprised by this, so Alice saves the day by suggesting they book Pink, because she's in town, that's why. Kit is pessimistic and so is Shane. Alice says "Believe in the power of the Lesbian Phone Tree." Alrighty, now where I can I get a copy of that tree?

Wischshewasgone's Jungle Room.
Alice is helping Gaymo(m) move in to Joyce's Guest Services House. They are stoked that all those broken marriages sure did a fine job funding the construction of this place. Yippee.

Planet Plastic-cell.
Bette brings Kit something the bank sent to her house. Kit asks how she's doing. She just mopes. Well if your not going to complain then, Kit will. Blah blah nothings going right. Blah. Bette shuts her down by saying, please, I got you beat. So Kit wants to know if she's eaten, indeed she has not. So they order Chinese... Just kidding Mexican.

Tim's No Longer.
Carmen Mulletto is looking for some drinks in the fridge in her Supa-Luva costume. Hot. Jenny comes in and sees her awesome butt and they introduce themselves. I fear Jenny will attempt to suck the life from this girl as well.

Lickalottapuss Headquarters.
Carmen enters, and Shane is dressing. She asks where she's going. I venture to guess she's going out. But she doesn't want Shane to go. She wants to play a game. "Too Hot" as it is called goes like this. No touching, no stopping of the kissing or you lose. Five minutes later, Shane loses. Whoever wins gets to do whatever they want to the other.

Warped writer Girl.
Why does Jenny continue to write, and why do we have to be subjected to this crap. The world will never know. It's almost like a flashback but not quite. We are at the carnival again, and the Jenny clone is being circled by hungry little boys. They run through the halls of what appears to be the fun house. She gets pissed and throws a book through a mirror. It shatters. On the other side is a replica of the room she is in right now. I traditionally am confused by all of this nonsense. I don't get it at all. Neither does she so she slams the Dell Laptop closed.

Lickalottapuss Headquarters.
I think we'll be seeing a lot of this place from now on. And a lot more Shane. Mulletto and Shane are laying in the bed. She wants to know, anything, about Shane. Throw her a bone here already, Shane. Shane just wants up so she can go out. She doesn't do sleepovers.

L'Amandier. Or the Almond Tree. What?
Anyway, Tonya is in a meeting with the likes of Subaru, Absolut, Bride Magazine, Wilson, and their business manager, Eric. 40 Love walks in and they meet. She reminds them who they are, and then they sit down. Apparently Tonya has been busy drumming up sponsors for Dane, that and she gets a 15% managers fee. They are having the first ever, Corporate Sponsored Celebrity Lesbian Wedding. Dana is not happy about this, because she didn't know about it. Tonya insists they talk about it, she also worries she hasn't done enough. Dana looks worried that she is about to marry a gold digger. I think she may be right. Tonya leaves because the Monastat rep couldn't make it and she is going to personally, pitch to her.

CAC of Wickedness.
Bette is trying to get sponsors for her new show. Her boss informs her that Peggy Peabody is no longer the head of the Peabody Foundation, her daughter Helena is. Why when Bette was recruiting Peggy, and they were talking about lesbianism, did she never mention her daughter to be gay? Hmm? Weird. Boss man says Bette may still be able to use them because Helena is one of her "people". She retorts is she a Yale graduate? Or an art major? No, she's a lesbian. So Bette asks that since, her and her "people" are on a first name basis, why would that help? Because he figures their paths had crossed. Bette says if he wants her to go to New York and make nice she will, just stop freaking out she'll handle it. James informs her Baldy McShorty is on the phone so she takes his call.

Bette: What part of no don't you understand Mr. McShorty? I am not going to write you a blank check, I need an estimate, my insurance company needs an estimate. Do you see a pattern here, it's the way things are done.
Baldy: wop wop wop wop...
Bette: Listen you little asshole if you keep pushing me you're gonna have a lawsuit on your hands.
Baldy: Ok, then
Bette: Bring it on then, you fucking dwarf.


ROFLMAO

Miss Congeniality's.
Alice is cleaning, she has a breathe-rite or a Clearasil blackhead strip on her nose I'm not sure. Buzz Buzz. I won 50 bucks cause it's Dana. Alice wants to know if she came to vent about Tonya Hot Pink. She doesn't want to come up though, because of the rules. Alice is all just come up already. They talk at the door. 40 Love complains Tonya is taking 15%. Al says she's marrying an endorsement slut. Alice thinks that maybe Dana is a little brainwashed. She agrees. They blah some more about Dana's tight legs or something. They make sure they are coming to the planet. Al inquires is Tonya coming? You betcha. They say their goodbyes and leave, after ten minutes of awkward silence.

Writing School for Dummies.
Jenny is stalking Sandra Bernhard now, so that she will re-read Jenny's now fictional story, because she is not leaving till she takes it. She tells her teacher that re-reading it means more to her then anything, and she really wants her to make her a better writer, she "has already." She puts the story under the windshield wiper and leaves. Miss Birch hatefully, takes it off her car. She has perma-hate scowl on her face anyway. I'd be scurred.

Tim's No Longer.
The group consisting of Shane, Tonya, Dana, Alice, and Jenny entering, are convening to break in the new spread. Kit calls Al to see if she got Pink. She says not yet, and apologizes, tho I'm not sure what for. They are sitting around drinking, when Bette decides to grace them with her wasted presence. She talks to much, and drank to much, so now she is stepping on toes. And Shane says hey we're here to have a good time. So they proceed to sit there, through yet another, awkward silence. Tonya decides to break the silence with a "stupid question." If you saw yourself at a bar would you ask yourself out? I know you all answered too. Here are the girls' answers.

Tanya: I would see myself and think my thighs are too big then I would say I like that, and ask me out.
Dana: I think I would ask myself out... (Alice: ...but it would never happen because she wouldn't have the balls.)
Shane: I would fuck myself, but I wouldn't date myself.
Because she doesn't do that - it's against the rules.
Alice: I would think I was hysterical and charming but I would never go there. (Dana: Something tells me you would.)
Jenny: If I were a guy I would totally ask myself out, but if I was a woman there's no way I would ever ask myself out.
(I don't think anyone would, truthfully)
Bette: (ohNO)... If I saw myself at a bar I would go running... in the opposite direction. And cue maniacal laughter.

Casa de Despair.
Alice and Shane are dragging Flashdance to bed. She's totally plowed and can't walk. The girls take off her shoes and help her into bed. Bette begins to cry. They console her as much as they possibly can. Alice apologizes for crossing that line, and kisses her forehead. Shane apologizes that life's a bitch and does the same. They lay there till the fade out.

Writing school for dummies.
"Hello and welcome to the defining moment of your existence." She slides Jenny her paper it is "Indeed Better". Jenny is happy. YAY.

Casa de Despair.
Bette is recovering from her hangover when James calls. He wants to know some stuff. She informs him she isn't coming in today and that she needs him to email her the Peabody application. They hang up. She turns back over, to reminisce feeling up Tina's pillow.

PlanetSoul.
Food, people, music, neon, polka dot disco balls, no lights, weird face things and what looks like gay people, I'm not sure. Kit welcomes a group of peeps.

Wischshewasgone's Jungle Room.
Alice is there to pick up Gaymo(m). Only she's not going. She has to finish a grant proposal? What the hell is that for? Is she still working for Oscar? Did I miss something? Anyways, Alice thinks she needs to be there to support Kit, and remember how she always said how it would suck if her and Bette broke up, well it does. "You know it's like Bette is smoking and drinking herself to death, and I'm gonna just say it Tina, your just eating your pain." She thinks that if she doesn't stop eating she's going to have "to go to an ashram or hire some really important personal trainer, but you don't have the money." T says Al I'm not fat I'm pregnant. Alice is stunned, she asks if Bette knows, Tina says she didn't think she could handle another miscarriage. Just keep telling yourself that T and it'll be true. NOT.

PlanetSoul.
Carmen's spinning, peeps are dancing, and Shane and Jenny are entering. Carmen waves to them, they wave back to Carmen. Jenny wants to know if Shane's going to go say hi? Shane says she already did.

Casa de Despair.
Gaymo(m) is picking up more digs. She makes the bed, cries and smells the pillows. She snoops on Bette's APPLE laptop to find an email from Marina, Dana, some backspring place, oh and Candace. It says I miss you, with a picture of her and Bette together in bed. I must add importantly, that Bette is asleep, in it. Tina feels pissed off, or pissed on whichever feels worse.

PlanetSoul.
Alice arrives desperately seeking the nearest person to share her pregnant news. Shane is that lucky person. And she tells Alice to shut it. Then the Lesbian phone tree that Alice shook, dropped out Betty, so they have came to rock the mic.

The outer ring of the Planet.
Bette smokes. For God's sake what is Jenny wearing? Bette is wearing anywhere from Prada to Chanel and they buy Jenny's wardrobe on sale at the local Retirement home garage sale. Geez. Jenny walks up and says how are you doing? Bette asks how she was doing when her life fell apart? She keeps replaying the times when she could have stopped herself. Jenny says she can't do that because we all make mistakes. She doesn't know why Jenny is talking about this to her, its not like she was nice to her when she was going through this with Tim. Jenny just says I don't know I guess I just know how it feels. More awkward silence.

PlanetSoul.
Everybody's dancing. Alice is walking and stops by a dancing Tonya and Dana. Tonya insists they talk about the other day when she said a good woman doesn't sit on the shelf long. She hopes she didn't offend Al. She knows Al wants that relationship thing for herself. And that she also knows that she took away her best bud but don't worry Tonya likes to share. Al races off, "I gotta pee. I gotta pee. I GOTTA PEE!" Dana says she has to pee to. Tonya says not so fast hot stuff. That was a hilarious scene. Kit introduces Betty and they sing It Girl. The lead singer, Miss Elizabeth Ziff (resident music composer) coaxes Shane up on stage, of course she does. They make out... a lot. Jenny and Carmen sit and talk about Shane. Interestingly enough, as I predicted Jenny wants to take Carmen home, but she rainchecks her because she's still working. Kit and Betty rock out while Bette can't take this good of a time, so she jets.

Casa de Despair.
Bette can smell Tina. And she sees her bed is made and her laptops on with the email and picture on it. She is smitten. So she walks into the pool completely clothed while Kit and Betty keep singing "Some Kind of wonderful." She floats face first and it took all of 2.3 seconds for her hair to go curly, I've never seen anything like it.

Well that's the end to a laptop filled, awkward silence, painfully funny episode.

Next Week
Bette meets Helena and lies, Tonya sets Al up on a mandate and Dana is jealous. Shane and Jenny interview potential drama-filled roommates, and The Wisch puts the moves on T. Say it with me, Ew... gross.




 


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