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:: L A P  D A N C E ::
Ep. 202
By The Sci-Fi Bard

Previously on The L Word.......

Contained within last weeks' montage is a blink-and-you'll-miss-it shot of Candace and Bette lying in bed, taking a pic of themselves with a digital camera! Now, I may be on meds & therefore have the recollection of an aging goldfish, but, THAT wasn't IN the first ep! Dost mine eyes deceive me?! FIRST the Season 1 DVD set was devoid of the promised bloopers etc, and NOW we are being taunted with a scene we've supposedly seen yet haven't! Sheesh.....

Interestingly, we're also treated to a single reminder of last season's events: Bette remonstrating with Marina about her & Jenny. "It's WRONG..." she states. Irony, thy name is Bette Porter.  Tonya (or CAT KILLER! as I prefer to call her...) helpfully recaps that Marina had a "nervous breakdown - COMPLETE and total!" (bear that in mind for later in this episode folks!) and then it's basically......

Fade Up On

Outside a church where wedding guests are happily filing out just after a service.

It is at just that moment when I have an epiphany and realize last weeks' episode thankfully devoid of one of those oh-so-arty-yet-oh-so-annoying-&-mostly-unnecessary opening 'flashback scenes' which were inflicted upon us all through the first season!  Half expecting the assembled congregation on my screen to shout "HURRAH!", at the prospect of a whole season without these flashbacks, I then find myself groaning when up pops the legend, "Mendocino, California - 2003". Oh poop. Well, let's hope it's at least less annoying and unnecessary this time around....

Which it gladly turns out to be. It's a flashback to the lovely Robin's wedding day! Aaah Robin, when you stand outside the church like that in your white tux looking perplexed at the lack of a bride by your side (meanwhile, Claybourne's still inside bonking some chick from the wedding) it just makes ME wanna beam you up and treat you right!  *dreamy sigh through gritted teeth, cause y'know, white tux's - SO 80's!*

Fade Up On

The opening titles..... I find the new theme tune really isn't that bad actually, after having a minor hankering last week for the electronic beeps and pips of the first season. It grows on you. HONEST!  The visuals however, are still god awful. I continue to maintain that a semi-trained (non-lesbian) monkey with a pair of scissors, a pile of glamour magazines and some glue could've done better.

Btw, brace yourselves folks, cause there are two BIG surprises in this weeks' ep!

Fade Up On

Tina seated in an office, having a semi-formal talk with a lawyer about her situation with Bette.

Cut To

Alice & Shane walking along the street discussing how Alice suggested to Tina to get a lawyer. Shane suggests Tina needs a "lap dance, NOT a fucking lawyer" and a thousand law firms sigh with relief that the hairdresser isn't on their payroll.

They arrive at The Planet, only to find it's shut for business!

Cut Back To

Tina and the lawyer.  Lawyer Lady (as she will be known from now on) surmises that Bette "controls EVERYTHING" - oooh this woman knows her stuff! - and then proceeds to confirm to the idiots among us that she is INDEED a lesbian too, by getting out a pipe and preparing to smoke it. Wary of her bun in the oven, Tina requests she not light up. Lawyer Lady sees her hugging her handbag to her tummy, puts two and two together and desists. She then further ingratiates herself to us by telling poor tagalong Tina to "DEAL WITH IT" (Bette's infidelity), "TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOURSELF...." etc and basically urges her to stop letting her ex-partner decide everything FOR her.

YAY! GO Lawyer Lady! Lay down those home truths! I'd hire ya!

Tina doesn't know what to do about Bette, but she DOES know that she wants her own "autonomy", so quite clearly she has a backbone in there somewhere.

Cut To

A generic coffeehouse, and a hilarious scene with Shane trying desperately to order an equivalent to her usual coffee at The Planet. Bless! ;-) Alice isn't much help either, but then along comes CAT KILLER! and Dana to save the day. CAT KILLER! orders for everyone, not even asking what our lovely Dana would like, which is commented on by Alice. CAT KILLER! then has us all reaching for the barf bin with the seemingly obvious fact that her girlfriend "likes what I like - she always wants what I want more than what she wants...." Cue rolling our eyes and tutting en masse.

*Note to Meredith McGeachie - who plays Tonya - after The L Word ends, come over to the UK towards Christmastime and you'll get HEAPS of work as a pantomime villain! *weg*

Cut To

Ivan's 'Best Picture Cars' Garage. OR Lesbian Heaven, whichever way you wanna look at it - both are pretty much similar - i.e. it's a WHOLE garage full of dyke mechanics! We've got the diesel dykes working at the back of the shop and a gorgeous, handsome hunk of a butch bending over an engine talking with Kit. Kit needs to find Ivan. Ivan doesn't want to be found. Handsome Hunk tries to fob Kit off but lets slip s/he has a cabin somewhere. Kit beseeches Handsome Hunk (we learn her name is Dax. Mmmmmmm) that she "doesn't HAVE a few days" to let Ivan cool down, as she has to talk to her right away, and what with those lovely brown eyes and all the pleading, Dax starts to waver.....

Cut To

Bette at work. Agonizing with her aide guy over where to rent a place (for Tina to come home to presumably?) Enter another aide guy to inform our favourite adulterous power-dresser that Tina's lawyer called. Turns out Lawyer Lady's name is Joyce Wischnia (where DO they get these names from!? Is no one called 'Jane Smith' anymore!?) and she specializes in gay family matters. The penny finally drops with Bette that Tina is getting serious. Poor Bette.

Cut To

Sandra Bernhard writing up "THE HUNTER AND THE HUNTED" on a chalkboard.  We see Jenny (or, The Weird One as I like to call her) is one of the prospective students sat before Sandra. Everyone has to write for 20 minutes on the topic at hand. (Presumably The Weird One could write an entire treatise on The Hunter & The Hunted! Last seasons experiences with Marina spring to mind......)

Sandra describes The Weird One's writing, among other things, as "overly precious"  hehe! Sadly, she fails to add "bloody annoying!" to the mix.

Everyone starts writing, The Weird One starts imagining and everything goes all black and white/artsy/confusing as it's wont to do whenever she picks up a pen or taps keyboard. Cue me starting to doze off, until....


Cut To

Inside yet another church. This time it's present day and a music video is being filmed for a band called The Organ.
Sexy Mullet Girl - Carmen (COULD she be the sexiest woman alive!? 9 out of 10 lesbians say *droooool*) - finds Shane waiting for her between the pews. She's come to apologize (remember her and the heavy set woman from last week canoodling in the same bar, etc.) and says she was an "asshole" that night. I'd say she was more of an idiot than an asshole, though passing Carmen over for ANYONE should really be some sort of crime, punishable in several states! But I digress....

Cut To

Kit pulling up to a cabin out in the woods. Ah, we see Dax DID cave and Kit has found Ivan. (Did I mention I now have a crush on Dax? SHE can tinker with MY engine annnnnnnytime....)  Ivan is proving to be a confusing character and really somewhat of an enigma. On the L Word list I moderate, several people have expressed confusion as to 'what' Ivan really IS. i.e. man, woman, drag king etc. I must admit, s/he is a little perplexing to me too, as, by in large she outwardly prefers to appear masculine, and yet s/he keeps the long hair etc. But, like I said, s/he's an enigma, so, who am I to question one such as s/he ;-)

Ivan clearly doesn't wish to talk about anything with Kit, but we know Kit NEEDS to discuss her business plan and the loan with Ivan......

Cut Back To

Shane and Carmen discussing the whole non-relationship issue. Our favourite lothario hairdresser declares that even though they can't date, doesn't mean they can't fuck. *smooooth* To which Carmen replies curiously "you WANNA fuck me?!" At this point I determine that if Shane DOESN'T say yes, I will personally reach through my screen and slap her upside the head!  The two are seen all this time through some sepia frosted glass, which is very moody, but also very annoying, cause then they start kissing like it's going out of fashion! Dammit you evil director you! We WANT to see the smoochies! And, what IS it with those two and doing it behind frosted glass anyhoo?! (think back to last week folks....) Cue making out to the moody music of the band doing the video shoot.

Our sexy due are suddenly interrupted by Carmen's walkie talkie going off and she's called away. They quickly try to make plans to get together later, unsuccessfully, and Carmen ruefully smiles saying "yeah, relationships can really fuck you up" and wanders off, taking my heart with her.

Cut Back To

The cabin. Kit tries again to talk but Ivan reeeeeally doesn't want to know, so she just concedes her need for $50,000. Ivan tells her to leave her the business plan and skeedaddle.

Cut Back To

Sandra going over everyone's essays. *yawn* However, it gets more interesting when Sandra tells The Weird One off for having a "lax imagination" and it's not looking good for her to get into Sandra's class. YIPPEE!  Btw, Jenny looks SO much like a 14 yr old schoolgirl in this scene that it's almost scary!

Cut To

CAT KILLER! and Dana talking and getting ready for Dana's parents to arrive so they can have a talk about the wedding (from hell). CAT KILLER! then ruins my enjoyment of reading Garfield strips ever again by calling Dana "Pooooky!" Cue more blechy caring/controlling behaviour from the feline destroyer then......

Cut To

Alice trying to tidy up Tina's mess in her flat, just as Bette arrives. A heated conversation ensues about Tina getting a lawyer etc. Alice suggested that and Bette isn't happy. But whenever IS Bette happy these days? As if to emphasize that point, Bette does another trademark storming-out then......

Cut Back To

CAT KILLER! & Dana sipping wine with Dana's parents. CAT KILLER! is as slimy as ever and sucks up to Dana's mom.  However, the atmosphere gets very tense when Dana and partner ask for her parents blessing on their impending nuptials. Dana's mom starts going on about how pretty both her daughter and CAT KILLER! are and that they could have any man they wanted etc. At this point I half expect Dana's mom's face to morph into that of my own Mother, but blessedly this fails to occur.

All looks grim for Dana when suddenly the FIRST big surprise of the episode occurs!

CAT KILLER! puts her arm around Dana to comfort her in the face of her mom's open opposition and then starts to expound upon when she was engaged the first time. To a man.  The genuine, heartfelt story she weaves about the realization of being attracted to women etc and the earnestness with which she weaves it eventually cracks Dana's mom's non-acceptance and the scene ends in a rather moving family group hug. Awwwwww *reaches for a tissue*

Personally I think it's terribly unfair of the producers to make me hate Tonya so much and THEN go and have her do a scene like that! *pout* Perhaps it's just an aberration and the 'real' CAT KILLER! will resurface as soon as Mom and Dad step out the door. We shall see......

Cut To

Tina, Alice and Shane at the new coffeehouse. Tina's modeling the latest in a long line of 'Hide-The-Fact-I'm-Pregnant'-wear outfits, this one being a rather fetching poncho. (You ain't fooling no one love!) The three talk and Tina reiterates the fact that she wants and needs her autonomy. She wants to be on equal footing with her ex.

Cut To

The Weird One and the lovely Robin, sitting outside the former's house. Today they are off to see Robin's friends and discuss who is who etc. Just before getting into the car, The Weird One pats Robin on head/ruffles her hair (much like you'd do to a beloved dog!). Believe me, if my girlfriend did that to me instead of giving me a quick peck on the lips, I'd NOT be a happy Bard! Could this be a foreboding of trouble in Weird One-land for Robin I wonder? Hmmmmm......

Cut To

Alice and Dana. Alone, in a cafe. They discuss their obvious mutual attraction, but wisely, don't go anywhere near the ladies toilets..... Any scene with just those two is always great. This one doesn't disappoint, however brief it is.

Cut To

Robin's pals place. And THE cutest, chubbiest Asian baby in the world. EVER! Awwwwww.  Turns out all Robins friends comprise of well-adjusted, happy couples/families who like nothing better than to postulate upon when Robin will have kids etc. No wonder The Weird One looks so uncomfortable and out of place! (I doubt she even KNOWS how
to spell "well-adjusted")

Cut To

The Weird One and Robin back home again. The Weird One wants to talk, so Robin sits down to listen. Unfortunately the first thing out of Jenny's mouth is, "I like you, very much...." and Robin rightly comes to the conclusion that that's a baaaad way to start a conversation. Doom is coming Robin! Doom, in the shape of The Weird One! Run while you can!  Basically The Weird One wants to be scared (i.e. ALONE) and even goes so far as to say (in a fit of startlingly refreshing honesty and personal insight!) that she doesn't want to "create all this fucking labyrinth-like drama that I'm so good at creating!" and that she doesn't want to suck Robin into her "fucking bullshit". Quite right too! C'mere lovely Robin and I'LL treat you like the goddess you are! Forget The Weird One! I'll have your babies!!!!!

ahem. excuse me.

Where was I? Oh yes, The Weird One was dumping the lovely Robin in an entirely unsurprising, wordy and dramatic way. Poor lovely Robin :-( And thereby we see the relevance of this episodes' opening flashback at the church. Poor lovely Robin gets dumped by the woman she loves yet again. Shattered, she simply turns quietly and leaves.

Cut To

Outside a Chinese restaurant. Bette pulls up and answers her phone....

Cut To

Inside same restaurant, where CAT KILLER!, Dana, Alice, Shane and Tina are enjoying dinner and talking about having lap dances. CAT KILLER! calls Dana "Pooky" again *nightmarish Garfield moment* and then Shane spots the telling eye-contact between Alice and Dana and nearly chokes on her noodles.

Cut Back To

Bette walking into said Chinese restaurant.....

Cut Back To

Back around the dinner table. CAT KILLER! spots Bette picking up a take away order and then everyone turns to see, so she sadly leaves. Shane rushes out afterwards and the two of them have a brief, touching chat about life and love being so shit, etc before Bette drives off to see Kit.

Cut To

(ready girls!) A lap dancing club! *wolfwhistles*  The gang are all there (minus Bette of course) and CAT KILLER proceeds to urge Dana to have a go at tipping the pole dancers. Dana could look more embarrassed at doing so, but it'd be hard.  Tina, in a smart move, is holding her coat folded over her arm in front of her growing tummy.  Her friends must all be blind I'm assuming, or perhaps everyone's too focused on the plethora of writhing female flesh on display in the club to notice anything else - I KNOW I AM!

Cut To

Bette and Kit at The Planet, talking about raising money for Kit's business venture and waiting for "Marina's daddy" to arrive so they can discuss business etc

Cut Back To

The club. Where Shane is being chatted up by a waitress who asks if she's a "playa."  Mamma mia! Shane gets more action than a slot machine in Vegas!  Elsewhere, Alice is staring at herself dolefully in the ladies room mirror, until Dana comes in. Cue snarky, funny banter and eventual temptation, as Dana has to squeeze past Alice to get to the stall.  Luckily CAT KILLER! arrives just in time, so Alice makes herself scare.

May I just say that Erin Daniels looks good enough to EAT in that scene! Meeeeow!

Cut Back To

The Planet. Our girls hear a motorbike and presume it's Marina's father. Actually, it turns out to be Kit's dyke in shining armour, riding to the rescue - Ivan. With a cashier's cheque for the $50.000! Yippee! However, Ivan doesn't want anything to do with Kit, as s/he'll be a silent partner. Kit is obviously crestfallen that Ivan wont stick around etc, but s/he leaves with a wink and a wish of "good luck", so there may be hope yet Kit, don't give up till the fat lady sings! (or, at least in this case, the thin male woman rides off into the sunset on a "big hog")

Cut Back To

The club. Shane lets on to Alice she knows something is up with her and Dana. Alice is shocked but isn't overly bothered. They look over to see Tina getting a lap dance from a woman who even Shane and Alice notice bears a striking resemblance to a certain adulterous, power-dressing art curator. Hmmmmm. Tina seems entranced by the dance and the dancer and somewhat overcome.

Cut Back To

The Planet. "Manfredi de la Franscesco Ferrar" has arrived. He's all business and European brusqueness and really quite rude. He's also waving a fan like an overheated diva. Hmmmm... He also sounds like Antonio Banderas. Mmmmmm.  Finding out which one of the women is Bette, he starts laying into her about how Americans judge people, and how Bette isn't "exemplary" as a person. Kit concedes that point and that everyone deserves a second chance etc. Bette swallows her chagrin and enquires, "so, how is your daughter, is she ok?"

(Ready for the SECOND big surprise folks!!!! 'cause here is comes!)

Manfredi looks up, somewhat perplexed, and states that Marina isn't his daughter, but his WIFE! "We've been married TWELVE years!" he argues to press his point home. Bette looks like someone just slapped her with a wet tuna and she and her sister turn and gawp at each other as soon as he leaves.

GEES! No wonder Marina had a "nervous breakdown - COMPLETE and total!" She was 'married' to Francesca, married to Manfredi AND seducing Jenny all at the same time! That's gotta take it's toll eventually! For a normal mortal, simply sleeping with The Weird One would be enough to set anyone off their rocker!

Marina The Multi-tasker - WHAT a woman you were! *salutes*

PHEW! Makes me tired just thinking about it all! ;-)

Cut To

Tina. In bed. Or rather, ON bed, after her night out. Our Tina is rather horny, and indulging in a bit of self-loving when we/Tina hears the inner sound of a classic Bette chuckle. Tina ceases her ministrations and looks pained. Yes, that lap dancer's looks must have triggered a yearning in our Tina...... is she pining for Bette? Could a reunion be on the cards? Bit early to tell.

Cut To

Bette, sitting on her stoop, drinking a lonely beer.

Cut To

Kit, sitting on the floor at The Planet, admiring her new business venture.

Cut Back To

Bette, as Shane walks up. We learn Shane called her and we love Shane all the more 'cause she looks after her friends.  They have another 'talk' about relationships, and how Shane likes to keep it simple etc. It's all light and easy and friendly and needed, especially by Bette at the moment. 

The Weird One pulls up and joins the two, mentioning she's after a housemate to share the rent on Tim's place. Shane seems interested and Bette enjoys a rare moment of levity, no doubt at the though of Shane and The Weird One co-habiting.

Fade Up On

End Credits

Next Week On All New The L Word..................

Shane and Carmen get together again. More please!
Brief glimpse of Kit at (presumably) the glittering re-opening of The Planet
Bette and Tina and their lawyers. Cue angst in bucket loads, with Bette pleading to her ex "pleeease, we CAN fix this!"
Alice and Dana and even more knowing looks. Alice accusing Dana of always letting CAT KILLER! get her own way, and being brainwashed by her. Dana refutes that, then we see her questioning said feline murder. COULD the tennis-playing worm be starting to turn?! Let's hope so!
Lastly, we see Bette grabbing a guy who argues "you're gonna be one sorry bitch!" by the collar and shaking him like a madwoman then yelling, "WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'M NOT ALREADY??!!!! WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'M NOT ALREADY!!!!"

phew! roll on next week!

N.B.: if any of you got the Star Trek reference in this review, treat yourself to some EXTRA, lesbiantastic I.Q. points! ;-)
 


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