Tina is at the Ob-Gyn, because that's
what pregnant people do. The on-screen text says it is Los Angeles Present
Day, but what the hell do we know? She can't believe this is happening,
another season of the L word is finally here. Hey, neither can we. We cut to
Bette "Flashdance" Porter makin' it with Candace "The Carpenter" Jewel. I
would like to know how long its been since B & T had fisticuffs. Lets just
say 7.5 months. Gaymom thought Tiny Dancer and her were tight, but
apparently we were all wrong. She was planning on telling Bette, right about
now, if things were going good. But she didn't think she could handle
another miscarriage. So Tina turns to OB-Wan and... holy crap, she's huge.
It just sort of "popped". Yeah? I guess. Tina doesn't want anyone to know
until she's in labor. OB-Wan thinks she's crazy if she thinks she's gonna be
able to cover that up. In reality, Laurel being pregnant may have been a
clue. Anyway, Tina will hide it with a Trench coat.
What, no jive beat? I'm bummed. These new credits will take some getting
used to. I kind of liked the subtle approach but, whatever, they are trying
new things. Wink, Wink straight people. Come to the Dark Side.
Candace's house of Bettecakes.
Even I'm beginning to get skeeved out by watching these two. Bette agrees
and takes a page out of Jenny's play book and pretends Candace is Tina.
Except even then, she can't look at her.
Al is knitting and frustrated and confused. She got knitting as an
assignment. According to Shane, though, its all the fag rage. Al just
thinks her coffee tastes redundant, like, "poopy shit". Guffaw. Bi the bi
where's Marina she says. Shane doesn't know. I know... she's practicing for
her dirt nap. Al wants to know how Shane is doing. That, "what? she's just
back from Cherie Jaffe land"? Shane says no, I'm still a pimp. In walks
Tanya two-time. Al and Shane are equally mortified, by this, and attempt to
shake her with an intimate conversation "no halfway sensitive person would
ever dream of interrupting." Ok. Scratch that. Busted. Tanya two-time sits
and asks the girls if they've heard about Marina.
40 Love is jogging. No doubt training for tennis, a sport in which we have
yet to see her compete. Run Forrest. Push-ups, grunting, and sweating... and
lots of it.
Back on the Planet.
Tonya offsets a plethora of ways Marina allegedly attempted suicide. In
Tonya's La La land they teach gossip as a second language, and gives her
opinion on what happened. Version A: Nervous Breakdown, complete with wrist
slitting in a Dolce and Gabbana suit. Shut your pie hole already, Tonya. Al
and Shane are concerned but apparently the Contessa Ferrar is already back
in Milan, with Mommy dearest. 40 Love strolls in. Tonya begins to dry her
off with an industrial sized fan, bitching all the while. Al just sits,
captivated, by Dana's bulging veins and sweatiness. She just lies when asked
if she's ok, "I'm just freaked out about Marina." Dana replies with Suicide
Version B: The bellman came in just as she was about to jump out of her
hotel room window. Thank God for bellmen. "So how's Tina?" Bette hasn't
called yet? Tonya explains what she thinks went down. But Alice sets them
straight. They continue to babble on long enough for Tina to walk in on
it... in a trench coat... in California.
Farmers Lesbian Market.
Jenny "train wreck" Schecter and Gene "Moby Dick" Feinberg blah something
about mushrooms, but Jenny's not listening. She just stares at girls. All in
a days work, I'd say. They stop to smell some onions and Jenny flirts with
Market Girl. Prompting Moby Dick to say "do you want to fuck her right here
or do you both want to come back to my place?" Jenny's all, No he didn't.
She pulls Gene aside so he can tell her he wants to "have sex with the woman
he cooks, and makes mix tapes for." Wha?? Tapes? What is this 1981? He tells
her she's the gayest person he's met, and they break up. Buh-bye Gene, go
play with Flipper.
Alice is done and is now washing her hands. Then... throws the towel on the
counter. Is the trash can like, not, right there? 40 love wants to talk
about "the Kiss". Alice doesn't think there's anything to talk about. So
they make out... a lot. And it's hot. And Leisha Hailey, call me. Alice
exits, who knows how much later, adjusting her skirt on the way. Shane says
she has a gig doing Arianna Huffington's hair, but not her. Dana exits the
bathroom, noticeably wiping her mouth. So Tina has to go, but wait not yet,
'cause there's Bette. Ensuing Dialogue goes a little sumthin' like 'dis.
B: Tina I need to say something to you.
T: Say it here then.
B: M'kay. Well the reason I didn't try to see you is because I just now
broke it off with the Carpenter. But I promise I won't blah blah the
carpenter, or blah blah the carpenter again. I miss you, I need you, I can't
go on without you. You're the love of my shattering life.
T: Really. Did you tell her in person or, on the phone. Cause I rolled by
the crib at 2am and you weren't there.
B: Uh... Why do you ask?
T: "Did you FUCK ALL NIGHT BEFORE TELLING HER I WAS THE LOVE OF YOUR
LIFE THIS MORNING?!?!!"
Crash. Table go bye bye. Wonder woman done wrecked coffee time. Tina is out
like a fat kid in dodgeball. Tanya is wet...with cappuccino. Ha Ha.
Ivan Aycock's Chop Shop.
Ivan spouts some car stuff, while Kit falls for the oldest trick in the
book. Kit turns on the cock tease by saying "your talking a different
language". And yes he knows "what that does to a girl." Suicide Version C:
Marina drove her Beamer into a Hotel Parking garage wall. Anyway, Ivan has a
gift for Kit. Keys. Two of 'em. One to the Fag Pad, the other to her
Shagmobile. Ivan pimped her ride. So Foxy doesn't know how to repay him. How
about a kiss? Ivan is like, you got to be kidding me. "Your not ready and I
want you to be ready." So Foxy and Ivan head out for a spin in the
Tim's halfway house for struggling writers.
Tim is packin' up and getting the hell out of Dodge, cause he took a job in
Sunny... Ohio? I liked Tim, I think he got screwed here. So Jenny is going
to be dumpster/shackless. Tim asks her why doesn't she just take over the
lease. She's poor 'cause she waits tables at Hank-59 and they certainly
don't make the green. Plus she is having a difficult time getting into
Charlotte Birch's writing school for dummies. She's sort of "blocked". Wait
blocked? Don't you mean clueless.
Oh no Jenny. Writing. Words. Screen. Noooo. Jenny types some shit and then
gets into the groove. Cut to an 8 year old Jane at the Carnival. Whose
parents the night before had a "tenuous human connection." Jane doesn't want
her dad to go. But he splits anyway. BTW her dad is an Eric Mabius clone.
Fun Time Pool at night.
Bette is hitting the sauce. What a cliche. She's thinking she should jump in
and forget to come up for air. Cue Tim, here's the convo.
Tim: Hey. Hey Bette.
Bette: Hey, Tim :(
Tim: I just want to say goodbye.
Bette: Oh yeah? You going somewhere. :(
Tim: Yeah Ohio. Forever or until I work out a deal with Showtime.
Bette: (Staggering over.) Oh shit Tim, I'm sorry I didn't know you
were moving away.
Tim: I just want you (and Tina) to know I'm glad I met you. But maybe you
can introduce your new neighbors to your praying mantis friends and totally
ruin their lives.
Bette: You know she tried to drive her car off the PCH. (Suicide Version: D)
Tim: You never expect your life to throw you so off plan.
They hug awkwardly and Tim leaves. Bette goes back to feeling sorry for
Jenny sorts her hate mail, desperately seeking an admittance letter, but
sadly she adds the 243rd decline letter to her collection on the wall.
Library Chic Shane is at her Arianna hair gig. Someone needs to give Shane a
hair do that's a little less reminiscent of a skunk or furry mammal. Arianna
says a number of kooky off beat remarks, what are you wearing who do you
dress for, so your gay, what does you want, love? Shane says she dresses for
herself, yes she's totally gay, and no, loves a bitch. So, Carmen ("Eva
Longoria 2.0") comes in with the coffee. She's a Personal ass. and she's
hot, and a DJ, and she's hot. Did I mention Hot? She asks Shane if she'd
like anything. Coffee, tea, sex? Arianna sees the massive sexual tension and
lets her off the hook. E.L. 2.0 doesn't want Shane to go so she's asks her
if she'd like to listen to something. Shane and Carmen converse over the
song, Shane adds that she likes her a girl with ambition. E.L. 2.0 is like,
"Fuck you". Shane just says "OK." So they Get. It. On. Meanwhile Arianna
needs poofing, but Shane is nowhere to be found. Carmen has tattoos out the
wazoo. Mainly because her dad was a medicine man, but he died in a
C.A.C of Wickedness.
Bette's going over some anime type art with a defenseless peon. He takes the
brunt of her bitchiness and is left with one less head. She thinks the
funding might be in trouble due to the artist's non-conservative ways. So
she suggests applying to the Peabody Foundation. "NO. Tell her to fucking
stop calling" James says "The carpenters on the phone and she's on hold"...
Jenny waits tables in construction zone orange. She excuses herself while
the patrons are in the middle of ordering. Hey, there's AnneRam. She's
worried about Jen. She doesn't think she's heard Suicide Version E: People
heard shouting at Marina's hotel, well they were worried so they called
vice. They found her with 3 bottles of pills, out of her skull. They called
AnneRam because her number was in her purse. So she called Mama Ferrar in
Umbria. And Jenny, at the hospital "she was calling your name." This Version
is the true version. I'm certain.
Window shopping with Material Girl and 40 Love. Tanya wants to register for
a $1,999 Espresso Machine. Saying maybe Dana shouldn't underestimate the
generosity of [her] friends. Maybe they can all chip in. And we're walking.
Al calls Dane. She wants to talk.
Dana: How about tomorrow at Runyan Canyon
Alice: How about I meet you at the gate at 10:30.
Dana: That's a little early.
Alice: Ok, Ok. Eleven. Eleven is fine.
Dana: Yeah that's kind of early, too, traffic on the 405...
Alice: Ok, 4:00 is good. 4 O'clock in the afternoon.
Al is in knitting class.
A fellow knitter doesn't think that anyone will be able to get their head
through [that]. But Alice thinks, "it'd make a really good harness for a
Casa de drama.
Bette is eating tiny corn with chopsticks. Foxy Brown thinks if she tells
Gaymom, that her sister is a "pooty chasing dog who deserves to be tied down
and whooped upside the head, but that doesn't change the fact that she loves
you more then she loves her own life. And that "she should finish punishing
her and get back to figuring out how to live with each other for the next
fifty years or more." Bette thinks its worth a shot. Kit just doesn't want
Bette to pull a Marina. In other news, she's happy to co-sign the loan for
The Planet. But she needs 50 more G's. Bette doesn't have 50 liquid G's. So
Foxy's thinking Ivan. And Bette's thinking Foxy is straight and delusional.
That would just complicate things. Foxy thinks Bette's platitudes don't
really have the same props they used to. "You know what I'm sayin baby sis?"
AnneRam and Jenny from the Corner talk about her fainting. Huh? Did I miss
something? When I rewind the Hank 59 scene, on my Tivo, I do see where they
may have cut the fainting scene. They babble on about living situations.
AnneRam thinks Jen can live with her. Jenny doesn't think so.
Alice meets Bette to ask her to be gone from her own house so T can get some
digs. Bette understandably feels Al is taking sides. They argue about how
Bette tried to control or not control, her urges but to her the simple fact
is, Tina, disappeared on her as much as she did on her. For like 2-3 Months
out of Seven YEARS?! Al agrees but only one of them was having the big O.
Bette retorts "Fuck you Alice."
Ivan's Fag Pad.
Kit arrives early and uses her key. She makes her way around the
bachelor/bachelorette pad, shouting for Ivan over loud music. Wait... I
smell poo... its hitting the fan. She winds up in Ivan's room. Where she
discovers his drag king wig on the dresser, along with, an enormous dildo,
including strap on. Just as Kit's about to... ew... touch it, Kelly Lynch
appears behind her, applying a large ace bandage to her boobies. She's
pissed and throws Foxy out. Kit pleads but it's pointless, Ivan's
contractual obligation is up and she's outta there. I have to admit Kelly
Lynch has a kickin' body, hairy pits and all.
Al and 40 Love talk about their attraction. They think admitting it will
make it lose its power. They also agree that they should avoid, wearing sexy
clothes, the Eroti-Potty, beds, couches, back seats, and floors. And pretty
much anywhere else.
Tim's Hollow shell.
Jenny offers Tim his rings back, but wants to keep the stop watch. She
doesn't want the memory of them, to, evanesce. Use that stopwatch to time
how long it takes Tim, to get drunk and try to have sex with you.
Casa de Drama.
T is picking up her stuff. She wanders around her lonely house into the
bedroom where Bette is waiting in the dark. She needed to see her. Bette
wants to fix things and Tina's all NO way... not yet. Bette carries on about
not being able to handle the responsibility, financially and emotionally,
for them both. Tina hopes the steam she blew off with the Carpenter was fun.
Bette is like, what just happened? Tina leaves and Bette screams TINA! >:(
Shane enters leaving an undisputable amount of hormones in her wake. Eva
Longoria 2.0 spots her from the bar. Shane's like... Oh God.
Tim's Empty Shell.
He reminisces and gets drunk.
Shane just want to have a good time tonight. Carmen believes this to be
shitty behaviour, couldn't she have changed her plans? Shane is like, sorry
I don't have a plan. I believe the chick at the bar can wait, 'cuzz bitch is
Tim Strips. Stop the watch Jenny. He is re-enacting a drunk dial, without
the phone. He charms her, right out of her Slutty tights. So he moves in for
the kill, and Jenny kind of doesn't want to but methinks she does for old
times sake. He stops mid-hump. He puts his pants back on and says " I'm
leaving now, I don't want to wait for morning." Jenny just looks,
dumbfounded, but mostly doesn't want Tim to go.
Case de Drama.
Bette made some tea. Its hot, so naturally, she grabs the pot barehanded.
Screeching "fuck" for her troubles. We end this week with Bette and her hot
tea, staring across the grassy knoll of heartache, at Jenny standing in
Tim's Brokedown Palace.
Please return your trays to their upright and locked position, and fasten
your seatbelts, we're in for a bumpy ride.
The Jig she is up, for someone's secret, but who? I'll give you one guess.
Gaymom. wants her autonomy. Bette says Alice shouldn't cross some line. Dana
and Al seem to be experiencing difficulties with their attractiveness. And
AnneRam thinks Jenny's transparent.