Shane - So Tina, how do you feel?
[Alice and Dana glare]
Tina - Oh my acid indigestion is so much better since Doctor Wilson
prescribed the antacid. But last night I woke up at 3am with the most
unbelievable heartburn. My HCDT levels are high which can be good for the
pregnancy but it makes nausea so much worse.
Tina - And then I'm pulling on my socks when I notice this varicose vein...
Bette - She keeps doing the pre-natal yoga and the pelvic floor exercises...
Bette - It's because of the increase in hormone production that the muscular
walls of the veins relax... It's unbelievable what the female body goes
Group - Ohmmmmmmmmm.
Alice - Ohmmmmmmmmmy God.
Marina - What happened to you?
Jenny - I know that you don't want to talk to me after what I said to you.
Marina - What do you need, Jenny?
jenny - I need a bath. Can I go to your house? I will wait for your break...
Marina - I thought you never wanted to see me again?
Tina - I'm nesting you guys. I wish I could describe what it feels like...
Dana - It's OK, we can use our imaginations, really.
Tina - It's primal. Females in the animal kingdom, they do this when they're
gestating. they become a homebody. You just, retreat, like a brooding hen.
Alice - So you guys are going to pass up a private girl party on the most
famous gin-palace in the Pacific so you can go home and sit on an egg? Is
that what I'm hearing?
Bette - Yes, that is what you're hearing Alice.
Dana - It's so desperate you guys, we're have to go ahead and do this.
Shane - yeah, 6 o'clock.
Dana - Slander against cats. Write that down.
Alice - The reason we've gathered here, your friends and family, because we
really do consider you guys our family, that's why we were at that ritual
thing, is to perform an intervention.
Shane - Look guys, my cousins did this for my uncle Bill and he hasn't had a
drop to drink since they put him in a straight jacket and hauled him off to
rehab. I swear.
Alice - Thank you for that Shane.
Shane - Sure
Alice - Now, I know what you're thinking...
Bette - Well, that is a relief because I think I can safely say that we're
both just totally mystified.
Alice - An intervention is about helping people you love change destructive
patterns of behaviour. Now over the past approximately... twelve?
Dana - Yeah. Twelve.
Alice - ...Twelve weeks we've noticed a very alarming pattern. Umm, you two
are having a baby and we are very happy for you.
Bette - Why wouldn't you be?
Alice - We are. [to Dana] Jump in any time.
Dana - Ah guys. We've seen this happen to other couples that we've known.
Janet and Sue for instance. Claudia and Tammy. Oh God, especially Mimi and
Ivy. Wow. It would kill us, you guys, if you wound up like Mimi and Ivy. And
we wouldn't be your friends if we just stood back and let you get so...so..
Tina - What?
Shane - Boring.
Alice - Boring
Dana - Boring. Guys.
Tina/Bette - Boring?
Alice - I know this is painful. Denial is very common, it's OK. That's why
we've actually made this list of incidents and this multiple choice self
assessment test, which we'll go through with you, and then the two of you
can fill it out together and tally the results.
Bette- It has results?
Tina - Results you can.. tally?
Bette - Jesus.
Tina - Sure I did that, but I needed you to help me with...
Alice - Acceptance is the first step, Tina.
Shane - Look guys, we love you so much.
Alice - We love you guys. We do.
Dana - Ditto. [elbow from Alice] Love you.
Alice - That's why it pains us so much to see you in this downward spiral. I
mean, Tina, look at your feet
Bette - Oh look see, it says right here... it says True/False right now I am
wearing fuzzy wuzzy slippers.
[Tina sits on her feet to hide the slippers]
Lara - So you still haven't told me. What do you think counts as sex?
Dana - I don't know, having an orgasm?
Lara - Well, if that was the case that would mean thousands of women who are
married and have children have never had sex. [She moves closer] But either
way, you and I definitely have had sex. You're so sexy Dana. You make me
come so hard. [Dana moves away, embarrassed] What did I offend you or
Dana - No it's fine.
Lara - [Moves in to kiss Dana but is rebuffed] Dana, what's up?
Dana - It's just I need you to stop.
Lara - Stop what?
Dana - Touching me. Kissing me. I can't do this OK? I'm not ready for all
Lara - I don't believe you. I don't think I've ever met anyone more ready in
my entire life.
Dana - I know, I'm gay. And when I hide that I hide the best part of me. But
you don't understand what it means to be me. My clock is ticking Lara, and
you want to have sex in the street! And I don't want to parade around making
sure everyone knows our business. I'm not like you. I care what they think.
Lara - Is this about the ad campaign or something? Did your agent scare the
shit out of you?
Dana - I can't stand to be judged by you all the time. You're a bigger,
better person than me and every time I look at you I'm reminded of that.
Lara - I'm sorry - I've been putting too much pressure on you and moving too
fast, maybe we should just...
Dana - No.
Lara - No?
Dana - It's just I can't OK? Just forget it. I can't, it's too hard. I don't
want to be with you.
Lisa - What were you doing at 9.15 last night?
Alice - I don't know. I think brushing my teeth.
Lisa - Did you feel anything? Because I was sending you reiki.
Alice - Oh my God, did you say 9.15?
Tina - Reiki? Isn't that boring?
Bette - Really boring. Write it down.
Alice - Listen. You're a man. You're a man named Lisa, but you're definitely
Tina - Dana's getting down with her bad self.
Bette - Yeah and I bet her bad self is going to feel real bad in the
Bette - Here...slip under my cloak of boringness and no one will even notice
Alice - Hey guys, where are Bette and Tina? Boring.
Dana - Yeah so boring.
Shane - I don't know. When you think about what's more boring right? You
make endless lists, you blow your head off and puke over the side of the
boat, or you get to go home and fall asleep with the same person you've been
in love with for seven years. I don't know.
Conrad - Tell whatshername to do you sober the night before a photo shoot.
Jenny - Who are you?
Marina - Someone who cares about you. You'll find that your life is richer,
full of possibilities and choices. I've opened up your life.
Jenny - Fuck you.
Subaru guy - You see our concept is that we want to position you as the gay
Conrad - What?
Subaru guy - The gay Anna Kournikova...
Conrad - Hold on a second here guys, this is not the road we discussed. I
don't think that...
Dana - I love it. I love it. I wanna be the gay Anna Kournikova. I do.