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:: L I E S,  L I E S,  L I E S ::

By NancyAmazon

Alice - How do you not pee on your hand?
Tina - You just aim below the clit.
Alice - Oh, really?
Tina - Yeah, where did you think the pee came out of?
Alice - I don't know, there's a lot going on down there.

Tina - In high school, I used to think you could get pregnant by giving a guy a blow job.
Alice - I used to think you could get pregnant through your pants.
Tina - Or touching the handle of the boys bathroom! [beat] Are you sure you want to go back to men?
Alice - Absolutely. I've had enough drama and mind fucks and women are fucking crazy.
Tina - Yeah well men are boring.
Alice - Yeah well bring it on, cos I could use a little nice, uncomplicated, boring boy-girl sex masquerading as love. That's fine with me.

Alice - [To Tina] No more smack, no more crack and no more blow.

Bette - I'm off to my Bernard Riddle meeting. He's got half a million dollars he's willing to lay on any museum doing anything remotely progressive.
Franklin - Bernard Riddle is way out of your league dear.
Bette - He may be out of the CAC's league, Franklin, but he's certainly not out of mine.

Alice - Did something happen between you and Lara?
Dana - No, I'm just never having sex again.
Shane - Easy Dana, come on.
Dana - I've never been more humiliated, or embarrassed or ashamed of anything more in my entire life.
Alice - What, did she tie you up and leave you?
Dana - No, nothing that bad...
Alice - Ok, I have a friend and she went down on a girl, and she sneezed. Better?
Dana - Gross.
Alice - It wasn't me. It was a friend. [pause] So what what what what? God you're killing me.
Shane - Did you queef?
Dana - Did I what? See I don't even know what that is. Is that...? [leans over and whispers to Alice]
Alice - OK, is that what happened? [to Shane] She female ejaculated.
Shane - Wow, Miss Dana! This Lara must be a killer in bed, huh?
Dana - Yeah! I mean, yeah... yeah. She... That's a GOOD thing?
Alice - Dana! Women strive for this. They read books about the G Spot. They go to workshops. Oh my god you should be totally and utterly ecstatic.

Lisa - Who was that?
Shane - Forget it man.
Lisa - Are you sure?
Shane - Yeah, well, she doesn't want to be a lesbian any more.
Lisa - Since when?
Shane - She was dating one of those hot and cold chicks, and she got her heart completely busted.
Lisa - It's a shame
Shane - Yeah
Lisa - It's no reason to swear off being a lesbian
Shane - I agree
Lisa - Maybe I can change her mind?
Dana - Wait, I don't know if you've noticed, but you're a guy!
Shane - Lisa's a lesbian
Lisa - I'm a lesbian identified man. [off Dana's look] I know.

Woman - Excuse me, I loved you as Alexis in "Dynasty"!
Lenore - Well actually I was Blair in "Empire Falls" [the woman leaves] Moron!

Alice - What's with mopey pants? What is it Dana, are you having embarrassing multiple orgasms now?
Dana - No! It's just Lara hasn't called me, it's been [she checks Alice's watch] it's been like 21 hours.
Alice - Well how did you leave it?
Dana - I left without saying anything.
Alice - From your own apartment?
Dana - I was really embarrassed Alice!

Randy - You're letting your fiancÚ go out alone with a guy whose dick has been in her mouth?


The L Word Online has been designed by Oz and Slicey.  Unique images designed by Oz.  Site maintained by Oz & Slicey.  This website is intended to be fun and informative, and was created with respect to show appreciation for the women and men involved in the creation of TV's first real lesbian drama.  This site is not endorsed, sponsored, or affiliated with Showtime Networks Inc., the television series "The L Word," or any person involved in the making of the show.  No copyright infringement is intended.  Images and other borrowed content are copyright their respective owners.  Credit is given where due.  All original content is the sole property of  the creators of The L Word Online copyright October 2003.