Dana - Mr Piddles? There's something important I have to tell you.
Mr Piddles - [purr]
Dana - Remember Lara? How she used to come over all the time, and stay over
sometimes and we'd move around a lot... together?
Mr Piddles - [purr]
Dana - Mr Piddles, Lara's gay.
Mr Piddles - [purr]
Dana - So am I. You still love me?
Mr Piddles - [purr]
Dana - Oh you're the best cat in the world Mr P!
Dana - What are you doing here?
Alice - I have come to get you out of bed. Come on. Let's go. I've had
enough of this.
Mr Piddles - [rrrroww!]
Alice - Oh shit, sorry Mr Piddles... well OK. Come on!
Dana - I don't wanna go..
Alice - Some of us have it worse Dana, you know? Some of us are dating
lesbian men. So Come on.
Delivery guy - Is that supposed to be art?
Bette - It's not supposed to be. It is.
Delivery guy - Then I guess Hustler and Penthouse, they print out some
pretty good art too.
Bette - Can you make sure he leaves the building?
Alice - Hello. I was wondering if your refrigerator was running? Oh it is?
Dana - Well then you better catch it! [horrified look] Mom?
Dana - It's like I came out to a piece of wood. I mean, she didn't even
Alice - That's good. She's accepting it through denial.
Dana - She's setting me up on a blind date with her friend Mildred's son!
Alice - At least it's not shock therapy.
Slim - Are you a fan? Or you just watching?
Bette - I'm waiting for my sister, Kit Porter.
Slim - Sister?
Bette - Half sister.
Slim - The beautiful half, I'm supposing.
Bette - More like the gay half.
Kit - He's a PLAYA, and let me tell you, he plays for everyone.
Jenny - Ethical isn't the first word that comes to mind when I think about
Francesca - You sound angry.
Jenny - No
Francesca - Well she's beautiful. And that compensates for a multitude of
sins, doesn't it? [off Marina's stare] Come on, it's a compliment to be the
topic of conversation.
Marina - I want you to know how difficult it's been to get you out of my
Jenny - Why are you saying that?
marina - Because you're acting like you're the only one with feelings.
Jenny - That's because you're acting so cold it's hard to know you really
Marina - If you're so angry, why did you accept this invitation?
Jenny - Because I wanted to know why someone would work so hard to make
someone fall in love with them when they really don't give a fuck.
Marina - Work so hard? That's great. That's a great assessment on who I am.
Jenny - Well, you tell me who you are.
Marina - You keep asking me that. Obviously you're not paying attention. You
know what's so sad? It's that you don't know how much you mean to me.
Francesca - I thought it was a little quiet down here.
Jenny - Sorry.
Marina - It's OK.
Francesca - Is it? The thing about Marina is when she focuses on you, you
feel like you're the only one who exists. It's her gift. I don't blame you
for falling in love with her. [To Marina] But maybe you use your gifts a
little too freely.
Jenny - So this is what the two of you do. You go and you make these little
conquests, and then you go home and compare notes?
Francesca - I'm sorry the evening turned out like this, but there's
something you have to understand. When I go away, Marina can do whatever she
wants. As can I. But when I come back, I want my home the way I've left it.
I hope that isn't too much to ask.
Tina - I get this feeling from you that you're really proud to be with me,
and it makes me feel really safe and loved. It's great. But lately I haven't
been feeling it, so I've just been trying to concentrate on myself and try
not to get scared about it.
Tim - That's you! That's who you've become. It's like you've done this thing
and you can't wash it off. It's in you. I don't want it in me.
Jenny - Fuck you Tim. I am not apologising any more.
Tina - [To Lisa on the phone] No, she's stepped away from the phone for just
a minute. [pause] OK wow, hold on a second. [To Alice] OK here. He says he
can hear you breathing.
Alice - I don't know. Let me ask the car. [loudly] Do you guys think we
possibly forgot to invite Lisa maybe because he's a little bit different?
Dana - Yes.
Everyone - Dana!
Shane - Gimme the phone. [into the phone] Hey Lise... it completely slipped
our minds. Look you have to stop being such a lesbian man.
Alice - [mouths] Thank you.
Shane - No, it's not cute, and you are going to chase the girls away I
Bette - Oh shit, I feel like I did this.
Tina - No look, she's having fun.
Bette - She's being mounted.
Alice - I want to do that dance.
Shane - You do not want to do that dance.
Alice - Oh look, this is hard Shane. [she dances] See this?
Dana - It's because it requires a sense of rhythm Alice that you don't seem
Shane - At ALL.
Dana - It's like some carnival mirror or something.
Andrew - I don't understand why you need to be set up. When your mum showed
me your picture...
Dana - Was it a Subaru ad by any chance?
Andrew - You did a Subaru ad?
Dana - Yeah. The slogan was "Get out. And Stay Out".
Andrew - Is that like an outdoorsy...
Dana - ...gay thing? Yeah look, umm. That's me, OK. I'm a lesbian. Don't
look at me like that OK. I don't wanna have sex with you and another woman.
I would just want to have sex with the woman, all right? I'm that gay. I'm
sorry you had to come all the way out here and do this.
Andrew - It's OK.
Dana - Great. That's great! Well gosh all right then. Well it was great
Andrew - Good to meet you.
Dana - Take care
Alice - Way to go. [They high five]
Dana - Score!
Alice [to Andrew] - Hi! Alice. Nice to meet you.
Andrew - Hi. I'm Andrew.
Alice - You handled that really well.
Lisa - How'd it go?
Dana - I feel GREAT!
Alice - So Andrew. You're straight?
Andrew - Ah yes.
Alice - Completely? No shades of grey or anything?
Andrew - Ahh none.
Alice - Fascinating. So you have no sexual ambiguity? No variation on your
orientation? You're not hiding a vagina in there? One testicle?
Lisa - Is she flirting with him?
Dana - Yeah. [pause] I just told my first straight guy that I was gay and to
not even bother trying.
Lisa - Good for you. Congratulations.
Bette - Ten bucks says Tina laughs at "Monkeys Go On Strike"!
Andrew - Looks like you've got your work cut out for you.
Alice - Yeah. Dyke drama. You know how it is.
Andrew - No.
Alice - You know what Lisa, when I started seeing you I wanted something
simple, and easy. And instead I end up with the most complicated
interpretation of sexual identity I've ever encountered. You know you do
lesbian better than any lesbian I know, OK, and I don't want a lesbian
boyfriend. I'm sorry. I want a boyfriend who's straight, or I want a lesbian
who's a girl.
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