Shane: "I don't know, I'd be happy to taste the fruit, peel the section, and
squeeze the juice with her."
Tina: "Get in line, sister."
Tina: We think she has an aptitude for languages.
Bette: Yeah, she knows Frera Jacques by heart.
Alice: "So I finally reach some secretary who was like 'Mrs. Peabody is
abroad and doesn't want to be reached unless it's a total emergency.'"
Shane: "Didn't you say her daughter's in jail?"
Alice: "I said 'I know Mrs. Peabody's a broad. And not a very classy one.'"
Phyllis: "How does my makeup look? I don't want to wear too much lipstick
and look like one of those lipstick lesbians."
Alice: "No, you're a total stone butch."
Phyllis: "Stone Butch! I'm studying the lingo."
Kit: "When I see her and Aunt Paige together, I don't see Shane on fire."
Phyllis: "You were sweet! A little Vanilla...."
Alice: "Vanilla? Really? Vanilla?"
Phyllis: "Vanilla sex. Conventional sex. What the culture regards as
standard or regular sex."
Alice: "I know Vanilla. I know what that means."
Phyllis: "I'm actually a little embarrassed because I don't know what the
'T' stands for. Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual....Tentative?"
Kit: "Did anybody get a postcard from Jenny?"
Bette & Tina: "No."
Kit: "I did."
Tina "Where?! China, I hope."
(Bette grabs postcard from Kit's hands) "Playa del Carmen. That's not nearly
far enough away."
Jenny: "What's this on his head. This is Mauve. This is not orange."
Marissa: "Well, the groomer ran out of orange, so we thought we would..."
Jenny: "No. No, no. I don't pay you to think. (To the dog) Do I Sounder? Do
I pay her to think? (To Marissa) He hates you. So take him back to the
groomers now and get orange ribbons so that he can like you again. That's
Tina: "Who's that?"
Film Exec: "Oh, that's Marissa, Jenny's assistant."
Tina: "Since when does Jenny have an assistant?"
Shane: (to Jenny) "Get off the phone, bitch!"
Helena: "Oh, God - You could kill someone with that! Not that I
would...ever...kill someone. I am totally, totally against killing."
Cellmate: "Shit happens."
Bette: (to Tina) "So, what are you doing for sex?"
Tina: (to Bette) "You know, it's not like I didn't go for months at a time
without having sex when we were together."
Shane (to Tina): Please, do not go back to men whatever you do!"
Shane: "T, you've gotta stop saying there's no beautiful women. I see them
everywhere I go." (walks past female prisoner) Hi!."
Tina: "Shane, beautiful women - they see you. They don't see me."
Alice: "Forget about Bette. Really. It is easy. I did it."
Tina: "It was just that she set the bar."
Shane: (distracted saying Hi to the female inmates) You don't need to go to
bars! We can go wherever you want - we can expand it."
Shane: (to inmate) "Will you still be here later...?"
Alice: Yeah, we'll be your little wingmen. Like your little, gay wingmen."
Helena: Have you heard from Mother?
Alice: I put in a few calls. Like 350."
Shane: "Listen, we're trying to come up with the bail. It's just a lot of
Tina: "I don't know understand why your bail is set so high. It's not like
you murdered Catherine."
Helena: "My cellmate is this massive homicidal maniac who's probably going
to kill me in my sleep!"
Alice: "And you stole an awful lot of money."
Helena: "I didn't steal it! I was entitled to it!"
Alice: "Okay. Totally. Nobody's disputing that."
Shane: "Well, except for the D.A."
Shane: "You lay low."
Tina: "No she doesn't. She needs to stand up for herself. She needs to let
everybody in here know she's not afraid."
Shane: "Oh really. I'm not so sure. No, she should stick to herself and stay
out of all the drama."
Alice: "You guys, she gets a family and she gets herself a daddy."
Shane: "No she shouldn't! Are you joking? No, she should stay out of all
that shit. Stick to herself. That's it."
Tina: "She's an alpha female."
Alice: "She's British!"
Alice (to Helena): "Just don't drop the soap. You know what I'm saying?"
Alice & Tina (together) "Don't drop the soap."
Shane: "I wouldn't...no"
Alice: "They shipped out at Oh Nine Hundred O'clock this morning."
Alice: "What about her?"
Alice: Are you looking where I'm looking?
Shane: I've got two eyes, Alice. I'm looking. And I say no.
Alice: "What about her? Not Bette! Not Bette!"
Tina: "I'm not looking at Bette!"
Shane: "She's cute. She's a bit...."
Shane: "Yeah. Flat lining, but she's cute."
Tina: "We don't have anything in common."
Alice: "Have you talked to her? Do you know her?"
Tina: "I can just tell."
Alice: "I don't think so, Tina."
Jenny: "So, I'll see you at 8 a.m. tomorrow."
Marissa: "I won't be there."
Marissa: "Because I fucking quit." (walks off)
Jenny: (to herself) "Well you...You have missed the opportunity of a
Alice (sees Paige approaching; gives Shane the heads up.) "Ohhh, to the
Paige (to Shane): "Is that what you told him?"
Paige (to Alice): Is that what she told you?
Alice: "Uhhh...me? We...don't...talk...a lot. (Shane is furiously giving the
'cut it out' sign behind Paige's back.) We're gonna go." (runs off with
Alice: "Mr. Wischnia."
Joyce: "If it isn't the pillow princess."
Alice: "You are sloppy seconds, right?"