Bette: (rubs her neck)
Nadia: Do you have a knot? Do you need me to unlock it?
Bette: It's - it's okay, no really, it's fine.
Nadia: Oh, wow. You are really tight. God, do you feel that. It's right
there. Do you want me to find you a bodyworker? Oh, gosh, I have the most
amazing auyrvedic healer - he went so deep...
Bette (interrupting): I - I - I prefer a woman.
Nadia: Well, that can be arranged, Dean Porter.
Nadia: I mean, in a cloistered environment like a university it would be
absurd to think that there weren't relationships between faculty and
Bette: I haven't given it much thought, to be honest, Nadia.
Nadia: Well, I know the students in your college have. I know at least 20
that would love to be with you.
Bette: That's very flattering.
Nadia: I hate that I'm just one of the pack.
Principal: Does he have any allergies, any learning disabilities,
Shane (looks at Shay questioningly): Do you? (Shay shrugs shoulders) Shane:
No, doubt it.
(Alice & Jenny in Alice's apt)
Alice: That is so fucking gross...
Jenny: ...so I found an S. Merkin..
Jenny: "Ew." ..in Van Nuys, which of course is where that vagina wig is
Alice: Vagina wig?
Jenny: Merkin. Stacey Merkin.
Alice: Oh, Merkin.
Jenny: So, um, I go to the house. And I'm standing out front and I'm like
"Yo, Stacey! Come here and say it to my fucking face you fucking vagina."
And so, guess who comes down? It's like this little like 90 yr old Korean
lady that's like, [in a Korean accent] "Look what time it is. It is four
o'clock in the morning - I'm going to call the police on you."
Alice: You were yelling under her balcony at four in the morning?
Jenny: I was, but did you read the review?
Jenny: It was fundamentally dishonest so...
Alice: Oh yeah, I mean, yeah...
Alice: Lesbians, love to eat their own, it's true.
Jenny: And the thing is the vagina's girlfriend was molested and now she's
like this perfect saint, which is awesome - and I was abused and now I'm
like this fucked up nitwit, but that's my experience.
Alice: I get it, I totally get it, I'm just saying I think you should let it
go. It's a tiny magazine, who reads it? And didn't Elle say something
great about, what "refreshingly literate?" That's huge - that's Elle,
concentrate on that.
Alice [discussing Papi]: I wasn't sure if I should tell you, but she was
with Helena the same day, well the morning of the night after...
Jenny: She fucked Helena right after she fucked you? your roommate?
(whispers) "THAT'S SO RUDE!"
Helena: "I will pretty much do any job right now that doesn't involve sex or
Alice: We never had that roommate rule talk. I'll give you mine. I'll start
Um, okay, I feel like this would be the boundary of your space, so anything
in your space you're responsible for. And this would be my space, and
anything in my space ... is Mine!
Um, which includes my office space, which I'll just kinda show you where
that starts (rolls Helena out of the way in her office chair)
Alice: This is my office space, my work space. And I'm tidy. I'm a tidy
person, and I like to keep this tidy.
But then we have, you know, the kitchen would be our space...kind of spaces.
And I feel like the untidy person should abide by the tidy person's rule.
So, did you, um, did you have any?
Helena: Just that my Pratesi sheets, don't put them in the dryer because...
Alice: Mm-hmm, we'll talk about that. Sheets.
Alice: [into phone] Hello.... (walks off)
Bette: [laughing on the phone] Oh my God, that sounds awful. She did NOT say
"a mixer for our gay and our straight friends."
Phyllis: Bette, did you just say something about a crazy hot women's party?
Brad: So even the beautiful one over there.
Alison: Yes, Brad give it up, they're all lesbians.
[Bette remarks on Henry's house]
Tina: Yeah, it's fine. I'd remodel it, but I don't live here.
Alice: Thank god you're here we're totally outnumbered.
Bette: What do you mean?
Alice: Straight people.
Bette: Oh, Jesus.
[Shane introduced to Kelly & Alison - Tina goes to get her a drink]
Alison: That's such a great name. Shane.
Shane: Oh, thank you. Thanks.
Alison: It's perfect for you.
Shane: Oh well, thank you, I guess. Good - glad to know that..
But I'm gonna go find Tina for that drink, so see ya...
Alice: alright guys, grace period's up.. I'm going in.
Bette: Good luck.
Blonde Woman: Your daughter is adorable.
Bette: Thank you.
Blonde Woman: What would you do if one day she decided she wants to live
with her father?
Tina: We don't call him "the father" we call him the donor.
Bette: I really don't think that's going to happen.
Brad: Sorry, excuse me, I know you don't want it to happen, but kids have
minds of their own. I'm sure your parents would rather you weren't a
lesbian, you know.
Bette: My parents are dead.
Brad: I'm sorry, I'm just trying to be honest here.
Bette: An honest homophobe....that's nice.
Bette: No, I understand, Brad. I mean, you find gay sex repulsive and you
don't care about your son's personal happiness as much as you do your own
comfort level, right?
Guy on couch: You know, personally, I'm all for it. Between women. It's just
that the idea of two guys, well you understand, right? [chuckles]
Angus: It's not that bad, actually.
[Guy on couch]: come again, dude?
Angus [eating]: Mmm. That whole dick and ass thing. I used to think it was a
little creepy...and painful too...
but i found this great lube, it's called "boy butter." Once I discovered
that it was like...[imitating dance music] lets get this party started...
Bette: I love him.
Kit: And he loves you too. I've got to get back to the planet - c'mon
butter boy, let's...sliiiiiide on out of here.
Alice: Oh, we won already, this is so easy. Okay
Alice: Actress, she was in I Heart Huckabees
Brad: Naomi Watts,
Alice: No, but funnier. Um, she was in 9 to 5.
Brad: Oh I know, I know what's her name.
Alice: Major dyke, major dyke, she came out big time in 2000. I mean, we
already knew, but....um, come on, Big Business...Big Business!
Brad: [thinking] Um, dyke...
Tina: Sorry, guys, times up.
Brad: Okay, who was it?
Alice: Lily Tomlin!
Brad: Lily Tomlin's not gay, is she?
Kelly: He was on the verge of getting it. The gay clue threw him off.
Jenny: Oh, I don't know who Terrell Owens is
Henry: Football plater.
Kelly: Oh, and he appeared with a Desperate Housewife in a commercial. She
dropped her towel.
Helena: The desperate, what?
Ladies, ladies. Ladies, ladies, ladies. Oh, god. Thank god for my little
Helena: Oh my god, there's Papi.
Papi: Hey, chicas. What's up?
Alice: Ahh, this ought to be interesting.
Shane: Hey, hey.
Papi: You're Shane?
Shane: [shoots tequila, exhales] Whew! [addresses Papi] Yeah.
Papi: You're just a skinny little white girl.
Shane: [looks down at herself] Oh. Yeah, I guess I am.
Shane [distractedly]: What?
Alice: This is Papi.
Shane: So, what.
Papi: So, I'm your competition.
Shane: Oh. Well, I don't know exactly what we're competing for, but uh, you
win. It was nice to meet you. [walks away]
[Jenny meets girl in restroom]
Girl [looking at ad for Jenny's booksigning]: I missed that reading.
Jenny: Uh, yeah. It was last week.
Girl: Anyway, the book is really awful.
Jenny: Have you read it?
Girl: No, but the review in Curve magazine, "Sum of Her Parts makes
me ashamed to even call myself a lesbian."
Bette: Shit, shit shit! I cannot believe she actually came!
Alice: What, what what, what, what? Did you sleep with someone?
Bette: No, Not in this lifetime.
Jenny: She's the one who ought to be shamed to call herself a lesbian.
Phyllis: The fact that she compared the two of you is proof enough of her
Jenny: I know, thank you.
[music playing/girls dancing]
Bette: I'm sorry, Phyllis, this is just...
Alice: Wow, go get 'em, Phyllis.
Phyllis: I especially loved Alice. She's so vibrant.
Bette: Yeah, she's a great girl.
Phyllis: So, do you think she liked me?
Helena: Good morning, The Wax, how can I help you.
Shane: Say "Wax." Just "Wax." Okay?
Bette: We have a situation, Alice.
Alice: What are you going to stick me in the corner with a dunce cap on,
Bette: My boss is attracted to you.
Bette: Yeah, she thinks the two of you made a real connection. She said that
you "made meaningful eye contact with her." Is that true?
Alice: [gasps] She thinks I flirted with her?
Bette: Alice, this isn't funny.
Alice: No. no.
Bette: It's not. She wept in my arms because she's been unhappy for 25 years
and now she's dying to find out what she's been missing and she thinks you
sent her signals.
Alice: She really thinks I sent her signals. Really?
Bette: Yes. And we have to do something about it, we have to let her down
Alice: Okay, okay, um-hmm. [cracks a smile]
Bette: Alice it's not funny.
Bette & Phyllis in unison: Alice!
Bette: Hello, Professor Porter.
Phyllis: Dean Porter, you're demoting her.
Alice: I'm taking Phyllis to Murakami.
Bette: Lesbian Sushi.
Phyllis: Really? Lesbians have their own special kind of sushi?
Bette [sarcastically]: Have a good date.
Alice: Okay, thanks. Phyllis!
[under her breath] Fuck, Alice.
Nadia: would it be wrong if I told you that I can't keep my eyes off of you?
Nadia: would it be wrong if I told you that you were the most intriguing
person that I have ever met.
Nadia: would it be wrong if I told you that I have never wanted to kiss
anyone more than I want to kiss you right now?
[unbuckles seatbelt and begin making out]
["Complicated" begins playing with the words "Fuck your pain away..."]
Products/Services/People pimped in this episode:
9 To 5,