Alice (reading OurChart IM): "Tonight 10pm I'll be there, will you?" Sure
you will, Papi.
Tina: You call your computer "Papi?"
Alice: Oh No, it's this girl on OurChart. Papi. You know, she has more hits
than Shane. How do you not know this? Where have you been?
Ohhh, right. Stuck in the far reaches of "heteroville." That's right.
Tina (sarcastically): Yes, it's so scary
Alice (teasing): Oooh, scary
Tina: I think I remember you lurking around there a couple years ago.
Alice: Yes, but I did come to my senses. That's the difference between you
Alice (as Shane walks in):
Well, holy fuck. As I live and breathe.
Alice (looking at Shane's battered face):
Looks like Carmen found you.
Shane: Helena hates me, doesn't she?
Alice: No, she doesn't hate you. But you know, apart from Carmen she is the
one who got hurt the most. You know she's my roommate now?
Shane: Really? Well then, what do you think I could do to make it up to her?
Alice: You got forty million dollars stashed away in a sock?
Nadia: Wow, are you an athlete?
Bette: No, why?
Nadia: Because you have very beautiful arms.
Kit: Hey Shay, how'd you like your cake?
Bette: Hey, did you finish your milkshake?
Shay: I think I'm gonna throw up.
Shane: Oh um, look, the bathroom's right over there.
Helena (scolding): Shane.
Helena: You should go with him.
Shane: What the hell am I supposed to do?
Bette: Hold his hair.
Shane: He doesn't have any hair.
Alice: Would you just go? (Shane walks off) Man, is that a fucking disaster.
Bette: She's so not ready for this.
Jenny: I wish Carmen was here.
Kit: She wasn't ready for Carmen, either.
Alice (in limo): Okay, what's the plan? You
taking me to Papi?
Papi (chuckling): I ain't got no plan, baby. It's you who wanted to see me.
Alice: Wow. Pap-py, huh? A lot of people
know you here. What are you like the Pope of East L.A.?
Actually, it's pronounced Papi.
Papi: That's okay, chica. It's just a little more Latina than your tongue is
Papi: Let me help you say my name right. You might need it later.
Papi: It's not something I do, girl. I don't
wake up in the morning and say "Okay, I'm gonna eat some pussy today."
Alice: Okay, me too.
Papi? You like, that?
Alice: Oh, wow. What are you doing?
Papi: Circles. Magic circles.
Papi: Circles are good, right?
Alice: Oh, yeah. Circles are good. Yeah, circles. Oh, wow. Circles.
Papi: You like that?
Alice: Oh, yeah. I think I really like circles.
Alice: Do you wanna come in?
Papi: Oh, no no. Thanks, though. But it's against the rules. Rule #1: Papi
doesn't do breakfast.
(Jenny reads a bad review)
Jenny: Okay. Se la vie.
Jenny (begins to walk off): Fuck you, Stacey Merkin! FUCK YOU!
(Shay, startled, spills some milk onto Jenny's purse)
Max: Jenny, come on. The kid's here.
Jenny: Oh my God! My bag! I was waitlisted for this bag.
Shane: What are you screaming about?
Oh, uh, okay.
No, that's not what happened.
Jenny: What happened is that Stacey Merkin's revealed herself to be a true
Shane: Hey! Please.
Jenny: And she used her gayness to get me to open up. And the thing is,
Shay, I didn't even want to do the fucking...
Shane (puts her hand over Jenny's mouth): the second time.
Jenny: ...interview in the first place.
(Shane prepares to leave Shay with Jenny for
Jenny: Shay, say "Stacey Merkin's a fucking cunt"
Shane: Okay, you know what...
Jenny: Say "Stacey Merkin's a fucking cunt"
Shane: No, you know what, he's not gonna say it.
Jenny: Say it. Say it, say it, say it, say it.
Shane (taking Shay away): Have a great day, Jen
Jenny (still talking to Shay as they walk away): Stacey Merkin's a fucking
Jenny: And do you know what "Merkin" means,
Jolene? Vagina wig. That's what her name means.
Shane: Hey, Marta. Marta. Can you ask my
brother to come back in?
Marta: He left?
Shane: What are you talking about, "he left?"
Marta: He just walked out the door.
Shane: He's nine! Jesus Christ. What, is life so fucking hard for
you?! You're fired.
Shane (on the phone with the police while
driving): What do you mean I need a picture of him? No, no, no. I don't have
a picture of him. I haven't known him for that long! (hangs up) Fucking
moron. (Car horn honks) And what are you, fucking blind!
Helena (emerging from the bushes with Papi):
So, would you like to come back for a nightcap?
Papi: Rule #2 - Never go home with a girl whose roommate you just fucked
that same morning.
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