Max: I just don't know why we can't work it out.
Jenny: Because you identify as a straight man. So there's the mismatch because you want me to be your straight girlfriend to your straight guy. And I identify as a lesbian who likes to fuck girls. And you're not a girl.

Waiter: Refill?
Helena: (Wistfully) No, I don't think I can afford it.
Alice: Helena, it's free.

Helena: (Tearing up) I had no idea it could feel this warm and fuzzy being poor.

Jenny: There's Gabby Deveaux
Helena: Whoa, that's a lot of hookups.
Alice: Yeah, she's a whore.

Joyce: Okay, Okay, Well I'm glad to see that you've made your decision.
Bette: What decision have we made?
Joyce: Mommie Dearest 1 and Mommie Dearest 2 will be fighting this out in a court of law. Which in the end is not a terrible thing.
Tina: How is that not a terrible thing?
Bette: Yeah, In what universe is that not a terrible thing.
Joyce: Well, in the universe of my bank account for one. And luckily for me, my client is employed again.

Joyce: Oh, it's a shame Johnny Cochran's dead. Mmm. Flamboyant, African-American lawyer, arguing on behalf of your picture perfect white, hetero family. That would have been perfect for you. Because as you know, we're going be playing the race card.
Bette: It's not a card. It's something I know to be firmly and intrinsically true. Tina's not qualified to parent a biracial child.
Tina: Oh yeah, and I was qualified to live and sleep with one for eight years?
Bette: Obviously you weren't qualified for that, either.

Joyce: (to Angelica) And you, my little sweet will be known in the press as Baby A, the artificially conceived daughter of a bisexual, white movie exec and a biracial, lesbian, art world titan. Oh my gosh. The fundamentalists will picket. Liberals and feminists will argue among themselves. Good Christian folks will write into the Op-Eds offering to adopt her away from her sick and perverted warring parents.

Alice: Let us know where you hang out, I will find you. Let us know when you sleep, if you do. I just wanna know, Papi, how you do that thing you do.

Bette: We should just burn down the clinic
Kit: I just wanna firebomb them. They don't know who they're messing with.
Alice: You guys need to calm down a little bit
Well, what do you do in a situation like that?
Kit: I'll give them a situation. I want to burn that clinic down.
Bette: Arson! Arson!
Alice: Why don't you just do like benefit for Planned Parenthood. Something positive, it doesn't carry a sentence of 30 to life.

Henry: Who's Aaron Cornbluth?
Tina: He's our new boss.
Helena: A fellow Irishman, no doubt.
Henry: Was that an anti-Semitic remark?
Tina: God, I hope not.

Products/Services pimped in this episode: MySpace, OurChart, iCAL, Planned Parenthood