many The View co-hosts does it take to embarrass the crap out of themselves
before Cybill Shepherd, Jennifer Beals and millions of hapless housewives?
Can the L Word's Daniella Sea identify the STD's now that she's canoodling
with Paris Hilton? Did Michelle Rodriguez drop the soap serving 10-percent
of her jail sentence, and if they announce the Golden Globes winners
including gay gal faves, Glenn Close, Tina Fey and Queen Latifah and there's
nobody there to accept, do they even count?
Once a pioneering woman in journalism, it's time for Barbara Walters to hang
up her old lady pumps. That's right, the Lady of the Lisp has assembled a
quorum of idiots for her anti-feminist gab-fest The View, that make WWF roid
heads look like Mensa members. If blinded by Jesus, doesn't know if the
world is round or flat but believes the Christians were on the planet before
the Jews, Sherri Shepherd wasn't solely contributing to the even more
dumbing down of dumbass Americans, little Lezzie—Elisabeth—Hasselbeck is
back from her maternity leave churning out another rightwing spawn and
adding a heavy dose of ignorant ideology to the show. And it was never more
apparent than when the Empress of the Heartbreaking Half Smile / Half Cry,
Jennifer Beals, and the coolest cougar on the planet, Cybill Shepherd showed
up to promote The L Word.
The seven-minute debacle was like an extended 1950's horror movie trailer,
replete with McCarthy era paranoia and ignorance. "Watch as dual horses'
asses Sherri and Elisabeth cuddle on the couch together in a sordid attempt
to simulate same-sex attraction!" "Cringe as Little Lissy asks the
hackeneyed question, 'What's the difference kissing a man or a
woman?'—Which, by the way, you know little Lissy likely did at soccer camp,
or at least she engaged in a little locker room heavy petting. "Cover your
eyes as Whoopi Goldberg attempts to squirm away mortified as if her co-stars
are pod people!" "Try to keep your lunch down when Sherri assumes all gay
gals are predatory sluts who bed everyone they know and she asks Jennifer
and Cybill if their characters will hook up!" The horror, the horror....
To their credit, but it's no surprise that seasoned pros and big-brained
hotties, Jennifer and Cybill managed to answer the co-hosts' inane
questions. But leave it to carmudgeonly Joy Behar to break it all down
pointing out the blatantly obvious when said that all lesbians aren't as
beautiful as Cybill or Jennifer. "Aren't there any ugly lesbians?" Joy
queried. Yale grad Jennifer deflected by answering, that she and the cast
are privvy to two hours of hair and makeup a day, and anyone can look
beautiful. To which I must respond, The View cohosts get two hours of hair
and makeup and they don't look like the cast of The L Word. Does that mean
they're a wild pack of lesbos? Small wonder Big Rosie O'Donnell couldn't run
away fast enough.
Really though, Joy brought up a point that's haunted The L Word since it
premiered. Sapphic sisters nationwide bemoaned the fact that the L Word
ladies don't represent real lesbians, yet somehow, when straight women point
that out—like Sherri saying that her gay lady friends look like the UPS
driver and not like Jennifer Beals—it's a little tough to swallow. Still, it
was worth it for a few minutes of Jennifer in the morning. Next time
Jennifer, where something sleeveless. The power of your deltoids will render
those halfwits speechless.
Speaking of the L Word, for the second week in a row, Princess Paris
Hilton—sporting a tres Gwen Stefani coiffure—has been spotted out getting
mighty cozy with Daniella Sea, to which there are a few responses. First WTF
Aren't you still with your hot Bitch and by Bitch, I mean your girlfriend
Bitch, the kick-ass singer songwriter? Have you been playing Max for so long
that the glue from your soul patch has gone straight to your head and you're
starting to act like a thick-headed straight guy with a woody?
At West Hollywood's Sunday night L Word hotspot, Falcon, Paris, Daniella and
a bunch of no-talent hangers on were crowded into a booth eating, drinking
and making general asses of themselves. Of all the L Word ladies to get
caught up in the Hollywood machine, young Daniella seemed least likely.
Maybe it's a publicity stunt. Last week, Kate Moennig was spotted in close
contact with prison matron Paris. Let's hope Kate didn't have to skip Falcon
this week just to fill her Valtrex prescription.
Also spotted at Falcon drawing crowds and watching their creation being born
before 500 screaming lezzies were Ilene Chaiken, Angela Robinson, the
stunning Malaya Rivera Drew—who plays Jenny's assistant—and Cybill's
real-life and small screen daughter, Clementine Ford.