Well! Wow! So! Yeah!! That
was SO AWESOME, right? I mean, I feel like … man, I just
wanna dance/laugh/love forevs! I wrote
y’all a goodbye letter where I get sentimental
already so let’s dig in to this recap, yeah? I’m gonna
try to be as positive as possible. Deep breath.
Talk about NOT ending with
a bang. Really IFC, it’s one thing to weigh down your
show’s sixth season with an endless parade of
unnecessary melodramatic plot devices — a murder, a
pregnant man, a stolen film, a botched adoption from
homophobic out-of-towners, two out-of-the-blue love
triangles — and quite another thing to, when the season
ends, not even “use” these devices to infuse the series
finale with aforementioned melodrama. Which brings me to
my thesis, which is not only a thesis but is true (trust
Ilene Chaiken, when she
“wrote” this “episode,” did not know who killed
Jenny. Does not know. DUM DUM DUMMMM!!! Kazaam! Let’s
get loud! Boom boom jenny jenny bette bette loving
loving killing sucking.
[these photos are all
from the archives with original captions intact, not
I’m glad none of these
ladies are killers, of course, that’s why I’ve disliked
this storyline all along. I like[d] Jenny, and
regardless she doesn’t deserve to be killed — murder is
pretty serious. It seems less drastic to — I dunno — all
decide to stop inviting her to things or refusing to
hang out with her and if that made them lose Shane, then
that’s that. I’d vote suicide but IFC insists that’s not
it, so this show irks me like as a person who’s been in
too many writing workshops. A story must be possible.
If someone is killed, there is a killer. If you choose
to conceal the killer’s identity from the reader, you
should still know it yourself, otherwise the concealment
is arbitrary and is no longer a proper story. “Anyone
could’ve done it” is not the story, it’s a
method of framing the story.
“Open-ended” means we
don’t know how it’ll END, like how we don’t know how
Alice will be prosecuted for this crime (good job with
that!). Writers aren’t required to give you a Six
Feet Under style END to the season, but they are
required to know what already happened. She’s
often written characters without backstory — but many
television writers do that, though it’s usually better
when they don’t. But one cannot write a mystery story
without presenting at least one plausible solution.
Law & Order manages to do it like a bajilion
times a week, IFC can’t do it ONCE? It was your idea,
I’m down with
“open-ended” and I honestly don’t need to know who
killed Jenny — I don’t want to know. Vonnegut
says: “Every sentence must do one of two things—reveal
character or advance the action.” I need to feel things
are happening for a reason — that clues exist and things
aren’t happening just to “create confusion.” After
watching this episode 10 or 11 times, I should be
noticing new clues, but instead I’m noticing new
laid this out in the comments for "46
 Reasons Recapping The L Word is driving me crazy.”].
1. The reader must
have equal opportunity with the detective for solving
the mystery. All clues must be plainly stated and
2. No willful tricks
or deceptions may be placed on the reader other than
those played legitimately by the criminal on the
Van Dine, “20 Rules for Writing Detective
What happens when you
write an entire season without you yourself knowing
what’s going on? Well, it’s a parade of inconsistencies,
technical errors, blatant disregards for continuity and
a melodic slap in the face to everyone who’s tried
against all odds to give two shits about this show.
I’ve made a list of these issues, which I will
reference footnote-style in the recap to avoid dwelling
on nitpicks and details/going crazy as I write this.
That’s what the numbers mean (100) like that. Reference
In other news, I still
can’t spell or write a sentence. Yay!!!! Let’s go!!!!
would’ve blown my brains out were it not for
Dear Intern Lex , who came over this weekend and did
the screencaps in exchange for free beer and snacks.
Luckily I’m here at new
Autostraddle [if you're reading this from The L Word
this is what I'm talking about], the coolest new
website on the planet. Tell us what you want out of the
here — and — I beggggg of you — if you’ve enjoyed
these recaps [which I've written 100% unpaid] for the
past three years, please consider
making a donation to the new autostraddle fund.
We’re currently just
hoping to cover expenses without getting evicted, and we
need your help to do that. Trust me it’s totally worth
Read all about it!
Go to Jail With Only Bois
We begin in
the police station, where Shane [I think it's Shane,
mostly we can just see her eyeballs] is sharing all her
number one feelings (2), which include: feeling “caged,”
a fear of commitment, a strange burning sensation while
urinating and a distaste for the royal “we” (1). Maybe
she’s trying to get framed by sounding as guilty as
possible (3). I mean there have been some hot JailSex
scenes, yeah? E-i-E-i-O, let’s go to the farm!
Why Is There So
Much Light Eminating from this Table? Where AM I?
Shane, aka Proust,
believes “feeling is a solitary emotion.” When alone,
it’d seem Shane herself cannot feel sadness and now
she’s talking shit about the murder victim, her dead
ex-girlfriend/ex-best-friend?  It’s surprising
because Shane has always been patient with Jenny and is
aware of her struggle with mental illness — of all the
people on this show, Shane seems most likely to suggest
the best way to get rid of Jenny would be where she went
after Season Two. Shane’s very forgiving, in general,
Molly Letter or no.
Jenny’s World, Party On, Excellent!
We flash back to the
video where Jenny’s saying Shenny’s gonna “make it” and
then take TiBette’s place as the “supreme, beautific
couple.” That’s right! Jenny’s gonna get some sperm,
Shane’s gonna have (another) affair, they’ll break up,
tables will be thrown, Jenny will start wondering about
men again, Tim will come back, Tim will cut his toenails
in front of the camera, Shane will date a famous blind
photographer/hairdresser, Jenny and Tim will break up,
Shane & Jenny will get back together, Jenny will be
offered a job at the Gotham Writer’s Workshop and
they’ll hippity-hop into the sunset together AND SCENE.
“Where’d she find that camera? Is it Mark’s?”
Riese: “She just found it still
hanging from the wall. It’s in the set auction now I
Alice has brought Tasha
& Jamie to The Planet for a chit-chat about how they
feel about each other (4). They haven’t admitted it to
themselves yet, says Alice, but she can see beyond these
little lies. She knows. She knows how these storylines
tend to go for her. Then the waitress of doom delivers
Tasha & Jamie’s last supper.
I’m Depressed All I Can Eat is French Fries Too!
Alice knows that the dual-POTATO-order is a secret sign
that they both are confused about nutrition w/r/t
starchy carbohydrates and that unlike Alice who does not
need food AT ALL because she is a WARRIOR, they are
aliens. Yikes! That’s worse than dating a Leo. Aliens
never feel that people understand them, like Max.
Squabble #27: Apparently Also Not a Threesome
In the Ring: Alice vs. all the exes who
have ever left her for someone else. Unfortunately Bette
is busy in the Retcon room, Dana’s dead (RIP) and Gaby
is being Papi’ed. Tasha and Jamie will accept the award
on their behalf.
Content: Tasha’s like, wtf is going
on/steely and silent. Alice is like, what the fuck.
Jamie confesses she’s fallen in love with Tasha. Tasha
doesn’t flinch. At this point, if I were Jamie, I’d feel
really embarrassed AND like an asshole and probs try to
make a quick escape. “OMG what’s going on outside, I
think I see a gay kid on the street, gonna go rescue him
with Jenny’s 25K stimulus plan, you can have my
Time Between Meeting and Finally Leaving is Sometimes
Called Falling in Love
Alice: “Just be fucking truthful about
your feelings, it’s obviously out of your control!”
Tasha: “I’m not gonna accept that.”
Alice: “Well you have to accept it, you
can’t — all the military training in the world doesn’t
help you control feelings — I’m giving you a chance here
to be honest with me — just tell me.”
“OH MY GOD, they ordered the same drink. This is so
Riese: “They’re soul mates, remember
when Bette and Tina ordered the same Cobb salad? If I
fell in love with everyone who ordered the same meal
as me I’d have a lot of girlfriends.”
Alex: “Is that Thai Iced tea? That’s
good, good choice.”
Carly: “I LOVE Thai Iced tea.”
Riese: “Oh my G-d me too.”
[We all go get married.]
Better than the
Alice tells Tashie that
they should give it a shot, go have a little romp in the
hay, and if she don’t hear from Tasha by this time
tomorrow, she is going to
the building know Tasha prefers Jamie, since one
day is all anyone needs to change who they are 100%.
We’ll be right here waiting for that to happen.
Tasha: “Alice you know that I live a
life of honor and duty.”
Alice: “Well I don’t want you to stay
with me out of a sense of duty. Don’t stay with me
because it’s the right thing to do.”
Who Wins? Fanfic authors who now have a
blank slate from which to address their fantasies? I
think I could ask “who wins” all day and still never
know who killed
Get Out and
We’re back in therapy! I
mean … the police station. The only person Alice really
loved as much as Tasha was Dana (2). Dana Fairbanks, you
know, the famous tennis player who died of breast cancer
in like two hours. Sgt. Xena’s follow-up questions are
related to the breaking of Alice’s heart. Maybe they
think Jenny died from a rare STD carried within groups
of tight friends who all have too many feelings and not
enough character arc.
Dylan’s sublet fell
through but Helena feels Dylan expected Helena to invite
Dylan to live in her beachside palace and she doesn’t
like that (20). I mean look at that place, there’s
barely enough room for a fold-out chair and a can of
soup in that palacial beachside mansion. This episode
might function better as an advertisement for
Dylan’s fine. She’s just
gonna walk around in her hobo pants and her flip flops
and chew on her corn-pipe, and Oh! Never Mind! Hello,
Jenny. Hello Jenny’s skirt. Let’s make a video! Don’t
let Adele see it, that bitch is bad news bears.
Put “Goodbye Bette & Tina” On Your Chest! DO IT! Then
You’ll Know What It F*cking Feels Like …
“See how cute Jenny is?!”
Riese: “She’s really trying and
Carly: “She’s wearing a hoop skirt.”
Jenny’s got hoes in all
different area codes who’ve sent in videos for the big
farewell compilation (5) — this gift might make less
sense than anything Jenny’s ever done besides kill that
dog. Maybe it’s not really Bette & Tina’s farewell
video, but Jenny’s farewell video to herself before she
jumps in the pool. She rounded up all her exes
for it, after all.
“What? How did she get in touch with all those
Riese: “Our Chart.”
Carly: “‘It’s a place for friends.’”
Riese: “No, ‘You’re on it.’“
Ready For Our Close Up.
All Dylan & Helena have
to do is just stand there in their earthen tones and
make a toast — but Helena’s not into being on camera
(15), surprise. Helena sounds like she’s making a toast
to death. That’s good. This video, much like the
episode, will help its viewers not get too sad about
Helena offers Jenny a
drink and she’s like, “I think it’s a little early for a
drink,” and Helena says it’s never too early for a
drink. Just like me Jenny doesn’t drink before sunset.
Really Want Me to Have Facial Hair, What Can I Say.
Max is having trouble
talking with that mustache over his mouth (7), so Xena
starts yelling: “Admit it, they’re assholes!” Clearly
judging by the fetus in his stomach, Max is not an
Anyhow, Max’s generous:
“It’s not that they were total snobs, it’s just that
they were insular — tight,” he says. “As we’ve gotten to
know each other, I realize that they’re pretty amazing
people. Pretty special.” Special! Magic! Tonight is a
very special episode.
Max calls them
“Framily.” That’s more than friends, but less than
family (40), according to Max, who we may recall is
about as close with his family as he is with all those
assholes. See, no one would ever kill their framily. Max
is nice, I like this Max. More of this. Why ask why? Try
Homes & Gardens
Ah, as the days of our
lives roll on like sand through the hourglass, so the
seasons roll on against the gigantic green screen behind
TiBette’s new addition. Kit’s nervous about the upstairs
railing not being finished. She advises Bette not to let
Angie go up there. Bette’s like, “Shit, there goes the
Duck-Duck-Goose on the porch playdate we had set up for
later.” Tina & Bette have signed up with some adoption
agencies in NYC — probs shortly you’ll see a facebook ad
offering nice Jewish girls $10,000 dollars to harvest
eggs for The Gays. Kit suggests that Bette takes Max’s
baby, and Bette …
I Love You But I Cannot Stay
Kit: “He has something that you want!”
Bette: “We’re not talking about fucking
used cars, Kit, and anyway [glances at Max in his
sweatpants flipping burgers] I think he’s come to
terms with his situation, I think he’s ready to be a
Agreed. Max is flippin’
burgers like he’s about to get a job at The Max or be
Mr. Mom at the local BBQ. He’ll raise Mini-Max in the
toolshed, it’ll be like the Christ Child in the manger,
but on Logo.
“I am so ready to get
out of here,”
Pam Kit. Then Bette reveals to Kit that she can’t
tell Tina about the Jenny/Kelly situation ’cause she
still hasn’t told Tina that Kelly even came over. She
thinks Jenny has delusionally made something up for no
Bette: “I want to go to New York
because I think it would be a good move for us.
However I am happy to be getting out of this little
incestuous hot bed of lesbian interfucking
There’s a secret message
in that statement wanna know what it is?
InterFuckingConcetedness = IFC = Ilene Fucking Chaiken.
Killed Jenny. Crime solved! NEXT.
Brown is No Longer in Town
Kit tells the po-pos
you’ll never find another group of people who love one
another more. “I would put my posse up against them
because they are so tight and fiercely loyal,” Kit says.
Except for when they fuck each other’s girlfriends and
kill each other and refer to one another as used cars.
You’re dead meat, Denbo. La-la.
Draw You a Floorplan of Our Heads & Hearts & Queen-Sized
Alice doesn’t understand
when Shane became so “honor-bound.” (9) Shane explains:
know, like the book Little Girl Lost by Drew
Shane: “I…I just I feel responsible for her.
It’s like I’ve been entrusted with this lost child in a
And that I’ve been given this opportunity to
be…responsible for somebody else’s feelings.”
“Shane was once entrusted with a lost child actually.”
Riese: “…and he hasn’t been mentioned
in years …”
Well, Shane’s an unfit
caretaker — she fucked Jenny’s ex! Sidenote: didn’t
Jenny purchase Nikki for you, Shane? WHERE THE HELL IS
SHE? I’d be like “Holler Concubine Nikki firstly, I need
Pinkberry. Secondly, my neck hurts. Thirdly, Tinkerbell
wants a vodka tonic.”
Wouldn’t it be funny if
I tried to write this recap as if I thought this show
was really good? Actually I don’t think I can. I don’t
think Hashem approves of me going against my soul’s
desire so seriously, I might never make it into JewLand
which’s the amusement park good Jews go to when we die.
It’s filled with pork buns and naked elbows. I believe
Jenny will be there … OR WILL SHE?
There’s a Chance I’ll Start To Wonder if This Was the
Thing to Do
Alice: “Well, it’s sick number one –”
Shane: “You don’t get it. you’re not
listening. you don’t listen to me –”
Alice: “Out of all the people that
you’ve been with why are you picking Jenny for this,
like the girl’s not even talented, she’s not even a
nice person, she’s like a fraud — you know she stole
my idea –”
Shane thinks it’s
Alice’s word against Jenny’s and turns down Alice’s
offer to read her inspirational treatment (10 & 11). She
then notes Jenny would kill herself if Shane dumped her,
which is #1 on Riese’s Rules not to stay with somebody.
Also I fall for it every time and have been conned into
staying with people about 50 times due to suicide
“If I were to walk away from this … she’ll go off
the deep end.”
“The deep end … of the pool?”
Memory Moment !
Dylan’s on the
phone being suspicious. Every moment she spends in that
cape is one more dead species of rainforest bird. When
Dylan sees Helena, she gets off the phone immediately. I
think Dylan is in the mafia. Dawn Denbo = Don Denbo.
They’re all in cahoots.
How ya gonna
act how you gonna handle that
Helena wants to know who
Dylan was just talking to. Dylan says “nobody,” like
she’s 12 and thinks that shit’s gonna fly. Maybe both of
these ladies were hotter when they were power-hungry
animal lesbians having a secret affair. Now one of them
is whiny, and the other one is wearing my mother’s
“Of all the relationships that we’ve witnessed Ilene
is picking this one for the finale?”
Alex: “Ilene just wants to make drama
for no reason.”
Squabble #28: Lifestyles of the Rich & Famous
In the Ring: Helena vs. Dylan
Dylan wants to know if
this is gonna end any time soon — Helena second-guessing
her and not trusting her. Ah, so Dylan’s just gonna be
another one of those girls who claims to understand the
depth of the damage she’s done in the past but isn’t
actually interested in doing the time for her crime
[unlike Helena, who as we recall was in jail, did drop
the soap and almost died when that woman held a knife to
Example, Sometimes You End Up Paying For a Wedding the
Bride Doesn’t Bother Showing Up For.
In therapy/the police
station, Helena’s saying how “being rich, it’s a curse,
you don’t know what it’s like never knowing if anyone
really cares for you or if they’re just with you for the
money.” (2) Also she just so happens to be drop dead
gorgeous. Eeek, I just said dead!
Luckily Helena chooses
good partners, like a pregnant woman working for a
non-profit funded by Helena’s foundation, a filmmaker
making a film funded by Helena’s film company, a
money-crazed gambling addict and then — again! — the
filmmaker who extorted her company for millions of
dollars. She likes to take risks, write that down. I
want her eyeshadow, write that down.
Trust is hard for
Helena, she confesses. “Even when I was with Winnie I
used to just buy and sell people, expect them to serve
me,” Helena says. Bow-chicka-bow! The music begins,
Helena removes Xena’s jacket, straddles her and whispers
in her ear, “So how much are you going for, lucky lady?”
JK! Back to the Most
Interesting Relationship of All Time. No, not George and
Martha Washington, NO! Not the Obamas, not LiRo, but
Back at the beach palace,
there is really terrible music playing. What’s going on?
“What is this, like, Silverchair?!”
Riese: “Oh, I saw them with Blink
Alex: “Completely wrong music genre.”
Riese: “I mean — the Red Hot Chili
[true, I did]
Myself You Let Me Go
Dylan’s gone renegade
Outward Bound on Helena and is now lifting her sort of
tenderly off the floor. As Helena dangles in Dylan’s
arms at these death-defying heights, so many thoughts
run through Helena’s mind — will she kill me? Will we
survive? Is there more to life than love and being
together? But then! Dylan takes this little trust
exercise to the next level and
on stage with Regina George lays her down on the
counter and holds a knife to her neck (12).
“Sexy” Moment #11: I Feel the Knife [Not] Going In
The Players: Helena and Dylan.
The Pick Up: Right off the floor!
Hot or Not: I don’t know.
“At least she’s taking that thing off, that’s the only
good part of this sex scene.”
Carly: “That backless cape
She doesn’t understand this is just an innocent
“This is like some crazy 90s Angelina Jolie movie
Alex: “As if Helena wasn’t terrified
Yes, I got This Dum-Dum From the Dentist Thanks for
“The reason why I was
such a bitch when we first met, it was because my mother
had spoken of you with such admiration, you know, that
you were the daughter I could never be, the woman I’d
always have to measure up against” - Helena’s
confession on the tape. (15) [interesting
character development nonetheless -- interesting ...]
“I miss you so much.
I’ll never forget the first time I saw you at CU. It was
a lecture and you were one of the panelists. You looked
so hot in your power suit.” -Phyllis
“I’m gonna miss
double-billing you ladies. My business is really gonna
take a hit.” - Joyce
Lesbian Sexy Moment #12: To Let This Love
Survive Would Be the Greatest Gift That We Could Give
The Players: Bette and Tina
The Pick Up: Hm. “Once more for the
It’d appear that Tina
has dropped a glass bottle on the bed and now, while
Tina remains naked with her legs open around the glass
to ensure she doesn’t accidentally step on some, Bette
is sweeping up the broken glass. But WAIT A MINUTE. No I
think they’re doing it.
After Tina comes, her first thought is “we really need
to fix that railing.” Aw.
AND IN THAT MOMENT
everything could’ve CHANGED for Jenny! We could’ve saved
her life, if only Bette hadn’t been so distracted by the
taste of a woman’s labia and had heard Tina’s warning
cries regarding the railing. And then — when asked to
repeat herself, Tina changes the topic and says instead
— “Oh my G-d, that was the most intense orgasm I’ve ever
had and I think you deserve more of the same.” DUM DUM
Then Sadè begins playing
which is lovely. It’s a sweet montage. It made me think
of Queer as Folk.
Bette just wants Tina to
kiss her and cuddle naked like real lesbians. Bette
wants to get married when they move to New York. Uh-oh
danger Will Rogers, that shit isn’t allowed here and
it’s sooo expensive to get a space. Anyway we will be
there, we will recap Bette & Tina’s wedding, it’ll be
The L Word movie, Angie would make a lovely
Finale of Queer as Folk? Anyone? About to move? Yeah?
“Are they just hugging now?”
Carly: “They’re embracing, that’s
what you’re supposed to do, you’re supposed to EMBRACE
in different positions. Didn’t you get the lesbian
The next morning
Shane’s strolling by Casa TiBette, where the two ladies
are sitting on the porch looking radiant and lovely. I
could point out that this is supposed to go full circle
to the pilot, but I’d be the 500th person to point this
out — obvs we L Word writers are straw-grabbing
experts at this point. There aren’t many straws left by
this time of the week. But let me just say that these
two women are very beautiful. I’m glad for them ending
up together, still, that warms my heartstrings.
Multiply Life By the Power of Two
Aw. They look like
straight out of JCrew. Lesbians are weirdos. It took me
so long as a person (yes, I’m talking about myself) - to
not be afraid of women — to not be afraid to need them,
to be close to them, to associate too strongly with
them. Men somehow seemed safer, I guess, despite all
evidence to the contrary, like boyfriends unlike women
were things to be counted upon, things you could get on
lockdown, a guaranteed ride when your car gets towed.
And … I didn’t really
see any other models of ways to live. Most stories
include love stories. And all the stories I saw on
teevee and in the movies — even the stories I read,
as an adult — suggested heterosexual romantic
relationships were the only ones worth fighting for and
about. Girlfriends were a prelude to men, not a
compliment to or substitute for men or something else
altogether — something that did not exist strictly via
its relationship to men. Where were our stories of women
alone? Sex and the City and then The L
Word did something really sweet when they showed us
another way to live, and for that I’ll always be
grateful. [SATC the movie is another story, I realize
this.] This show said women’s stories are enough, they
are everything, and that’s revolutionary.
Bette wants to know why Jenny is doing shit in Shane’s
studio and suggests Jenny just gave Shane the studio so
she could take it away, like a little puppy who gives
you his toy and then’s like, JK, gimme back my toy.
Remember When We Were So Strange and Likeable
“I understand where
you’re coming from, I really do, but I’d like to think
she’s not that calculating,” Shane says. Shane says “I
really do” a lot. Bette responds: “I think her heart’s
in the right place, I think she’s just misplaced her
meds.” EUREKA!!!! Okay, someone call the doctor, let’s
get on this shit. I have been waiting seven years for
this moment — oh — sorry. Back to Foxworthy’s Police
Station o’ Feelings.
Actually You Know Who Else Had Killer Qualities?
Candace Jewell. Want Me to Spell That For You?
Tina describes Kelly as
Bette’s business partner “a vacant bombshell.” (2)
“Bombshell” must be the new lesbian slang word for
“scary plastic lady with grasshopper eyes.” She goes on
to say that Kelly is a real “predator type.” (2) That
detective, who looks straight out of the Community
Theater’s local production of Grease, writes
that shit down. Or maybe he’s writing down what we’re
about to say …
… when we
return to Helena’s man-in-the-mirror suite, where she is
gazing down upon the kingdom — namely upon Dylan. Then
music begins to play. You know what kind of music I’m
talking about. Get your polka shoes on and prepare to
drop-kick BETTY in the face. I mean she’s a very nice
lady, that’s what the Showtime producer told me today
when we were filming Lezberado and I said
something mean about Betty. That particular statement,
along with 75% of what I said during filming, will not
be in the final cut I am guessing.
Everything in my Body Says Not Tonight
“Oh my god … you know what this sounds like …”
Carly: “BETTY! I would recognize
those harmonies anywhere.”
Alex: “I’m glad you said
Helena sees Dylan get in
her car. Where is she going? Truck Stop? Pinkberry?
Twizzler Gets More Action From Alice Than Anyone Else
Alice & Shane are
discussing Alice and how Alice thinks that Jamie and
Tasha are making sweet sweet love, which is hilarious,
but it’s also not a threesome. Nevertheless, Alice is
theorizing what could be happening in this little sexual
session. It’s funny!
“Oh my god, I can’t believe my nipples get hard when
you lick them mine get hard when you lick mine! You
know eventually they should just stop having sex
because they are so the same, they could just
masturbate and it would be the same thing.”
Silly Rabbit, Trix Are For Kids
Shane says — Alice,
let’s go to lunch. I’ll purge this cereal, I’ll pick you
up, and everything’ll be fine. Her reactions to Alice’s
paranoia are delightful.
Unfortunately Jenny is
not fine, she’s done lost her mind and is talking crazy
about needing Final Cut when obvs she already had it,
she was using it earlier to edit the Joyce & Phyllis
footage (13). Shane says she’s got it, she’s gonna go to
FedEx and the Apple Store and Nikki’s breasts and pick
up some crystal meth and then she’ll BRB. This pleases
Jenny who kisses Sounder on the head and says “See
Sounder, she understands me.” Aw. Jenny and Sounder! Are
Not only did Kit and
Sunset apparently make up from their fight and then fall
in love (16), but they then proceeded to go to the zoo
with Angelica and have an allegedly good time. A VERY
good time in fact. Fishy? I thought so. Baby lions? What
the hell is a baby lion. Kit says her man has gotta go
to work. Seriously this woman has had the most random
boyfriends of any woman ever on television. Obvs Papi
was my fave boyfriend.
the Up-Side: What a Beautiful Family
Bette does not want a
man in her bathroom, she wants him to go to the powder
room. Look I’m not like a raised-on-AIM generation
person or anything, but powder room? C’mon Mrs. Potts
let’s get real. Bette follows this up with, “there are
facets of man-ness that just make me queasy, that’s
all.” (17) What the hell has happened to Bette’s
“WHAT THE FUCK? Bette has never said bullshit like
Riese: “They’ve done the impossible.”
Kit asks James how he can stand Bette and he says he
always urinates in the powder room. I bet he does with
that purple shirt. Oh James, you never lost your
dignity, you always remained honest. And surprising that
after all this time, they never wrote you a love story
with Kit Porter, the most lusted-after straight woman in
the whole world. Though as I’ve said, Kit is totally
queer even if she is technically straight.
Shane to save the day! She has Chinese food and love and
Final Cut, which P.S. costs like $1,200 dollars. I am
still v.confused about what happened to the concubine
Nikki and why she isn’t running these errands.
“Wow, I don’t know what I’d do without you. ”
Shane: “Oh you’d manage, I’m sure.”
Jenny: “No I wouldn’t, I’d probably
kill myself … I’m gonna leave everything to you.
You’re my family.”
That Looks Like that Finnnne Piece of Ass I Remember
Jenny asks if she wants
to see a video of Carmen dancing. (18) Shane, clearly
not looking to kill herself today — what with that great
inheritance coming her way and everything — says no.
Surely like the Joss Stone song so bravely sang forth:
“You had me, you lost me,” etc etc etc. I want to see a
video of Carmen dancing, does anyone care about what I
want? Hahaha. JK! Look at this stupid graphic I made for
a Season Three recap ten eons ago:
We Were Young
Shane doesn’t want the
video to be from “us,” she wants it to be just from
Jenny. She’s gonna go to Sharper Image and get me a
massage chair, and then go to Carlton Cards and pick up
a scented candle for the happy couple.
think that’s the point of using a “we” — so you can
get out of buying a gift.”
Carly: “Yeah, that and when you want
to leave, like ’she has a thing, so WE need to
Back to the
Happy Family …
To Your Mothers, Take the Hinges Off the Door
Is James coming to New
York? No, he’s not because Bette isn’t sure what kind of
job she’s gonna have out there. (19) Kelly is not gonna
be excited about that, I thought Bette was sticking with
the gallery but just doing it from NYC. You know what
they always say, shake it don’t fake it. There’s a dance
that goes with it, uh-huh. Wiggle it. Just a little bit.
“I sort of like the idea
of Tina supporting me and me looking after the
children,” Bette says. Everyone thinks it’s hilarious.
And then Angelica calls Sunset “Daddy,” which is funny.
Sunset actually does look like the sperm dude, Marcus
Allenwood, in some weird way. I’m not just saying that
because they’re both black, hello I know not all black
people look alike, I’ve seen basketball on television
and The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, produced by
Ilene Chaiken. That show was funny.
transformation — wanting to stay home now — kinda makes
sense to me. After a while, a person gets tired. After a
while, everything becomes too much and sweet things like
children and love take priority. It shows some new
growth & depth for Bette, and I like that.
Alice is on
the phone with Helena, picking her toenails and being
funny about all the things that Jamie and Tasha have in
common: “Ohhh I like orgasms toooo.” This is cute
conversation, let’s get dressed and go out and get
married and have a happy happy ending! Or let’s lie on
the bed and pick our feet. Let’s play head shoulders
knees and toes!
!!!!! Head Shoulders Knees and Toes Knees and
Alice happens to mention
that Helena’s at Jenny’s studio and she assumes Dylan is
helping Jenny edit. Hm, unless there’s some animation
and scrolling text and transitions and color correction
happening in the clips we don’t see — or even a musical
track or some kind of specific cinematic technique —
Jenny could’ve made this tribute video with two VCRs and
some A/V in-out cords. Well, she is special, I hear. Can
see inner desires and etc.
The Planet doesn’t run itself, sister, and Kit’s at
Helena thinks this is
suspicious as well, just like we do, so she’s gonna go
get to the bottom of this. She’s gonna strap on her
strappings and bloody ‘ell rawr!
Dylan is at
the studio (14) — begging Jenny to lie for her. ”You
lied to me,” Jenny says. “You promised you’d come clean
and you haven’t.” Dylan’s excuse is that Helena has
trust issues and she had no choice (Dylan’s fault) so
Squabble #29 - I Hold My Cards Up Close to My Chest I
Say What I Have to and I Hold Back the Rest
In the Ring: Dylan vs. Helena vs. Jenny
Dylan’s being a jerk. She clearly ain’t too proud to beg
and this time she’s gonna beg Jenny to not tell Helena
that Dylan already knew it was a set-up. Dylan already
knew it was a set up? This whole situation has turned
my headskull into pudding. (20)
fault Jenny, says Dylan, you’re a shitty actress and if
you’d done better I wouldn’t have had to call you and
ask you about it. (?!!!?)
Obvs Dylan was just using the “you tested me?” thing as
an excuse to ditch that lame baby shower. C’mon, there
was a theme, and a breast pump, and people singing
Anyhow Helena (tipped off by Alice) is on her way …
Jenny: “Just tell her the truth! It’s
better that way — and then you’re all even.”
Dylan: “She’s not going to think that
we’re even when she finds out that before I went into
Hit that Nikki Stevens was a set up! She’s going to
Helena: “You’re a liar, a con-artist!
None of this bodes well for a relationship that should
be based on trust!”
[as opposed to relationships based on dishonesty
Jenny: “Helena wait, before you get
really upset now that everything’s out in the open you
Helena: “You knew all along that Nikki
Stevens wasn’t interested in you directing her movie?”
Jenny: “It was a bad idea, it was so
unethical and i never should have been involved in any
of this –”
Helena: “… and when you stood firm and
rejected the pass that she made at you, that was just an
Dylan: “No that was not just an act –”
Helena: “And when she spilled the beans
at Max’s baby shower she wasn’t really spilling anything
— Jesus, Dylan, that was such a good performance you’ve
been on the wrong side of the camera.”
Jenny: “WAIT HELENA! That is not her
fault, that is my fault…”
Helena: “Fuck you Schecter, you have
interfered in my life enough now!”
Dylan says she had no
choice, because she wanted Helena to be with her.
Right-o. Helena says that no, now, thanks to Jenny
Fucking Schecter, she can’t trust Dylan. (21) Hello
scapegoat! Dylan chose to run out the door and pretend
shocked & appalled, which is firstly really strange, and
secondly weirdly manipulative, and thirdly this whole
situation ranks about 5,436th on the list of “things I
would like to see resolved/played out before this show
Shane’s at the
expensive modern art store, looking for something
portable and easy to pack — but also functional and
necessary — for Bette & Tina. Ah ha! A large ceramic
bowl! Perfect! (22) Hey-o! Speaking of perfect … look
who’s here! It’s Molly! Ob-li-di-ob-la DA! Hellooooo
Nurse. Molly and Shane explain some sweet little small
talk and Shane looks happy to see her. Molly’s being
cute and nervous.
It’s Shane! My Graduate Instructor in Gay! If it
Wasn’t For Her, I’d've Never Known How to Munch Your
“That girl looks like Molly… but punched in the face.
And with homeless hair.”
Molly says she heard
about Shane and Jenny, and she was surprised.
Molly: “She seemed so upset that night
that she told me about you and Nikki — To think of you
guys together is kind of — where’d that come from. you
Shane: “Wait, what night?” What night?”
Molly: “The night that I dropped off
your jacket? Anyway, yeah, I just — I had this stupid
idea after I heard about what my Mom did that maybe you
were just being selfless and you just thought maybe
because of the challenge my Mom put to you — which was
completely ridiculous and um, I thought that you know
you were just trying to protect me because you knew you
would screw around on me but I guess you already were
screwing around on me and I wrote the letter because I
wanted to say um,”
Shane: “I’m sorry, uh wait — uh — what
letter are you talking about?”
Molly: “The letter it’s in the pocket
of the jacket that I gave to Jenny to give to you, but
it doesn’t matter,I mean, I’m really okay, and you
don’t owe me — you don’t owe me anything at all, really
so um – I fell for you — like a million other girls,
and I fell apart like a million other girls but really,
you know, I didn’t die, and I’m here, and I’m okay. I
wish you and Jenny the best. Really.”
G-d, it’s so hard to run
into sane, kind, patient exes when you’re in a
relationship with a crazy person that you think you may
never get out of. It’s like stepping into a different
So … Tall
Shane stands with her
bowl, dumbfounded. She’s probs wishing she had another
kind of bowl handy. You know, the kind you can smoke out
of when shit makes no sense. Like this is weird, but
just think about how weird it would be on weed.
“It’s my fourth of the
day, I started at 11,” Alice says sipping her cocktail.
“You go girl,” says Helena. “Here’s to you Alice.” Alice
says Tasha hasn’t called and asks where Dylan is. Come
on, Queen Elizabeth, no-one on this show is allowed to
end happy. Except Bette & Tina, kinda, but I think
that’s just ’cause if Ilene made TiBetters unhappy, she
might seriously need Obama-style bodyguards every time
she dared to leave the house.
“What did Jenny do?”
Helena: “Whatever. It doesn’t really
Truer words, Helena,
were never spoken. QUOTE OF THE WEEK. “Whatever, it
doesn’t really matter.” It doesn’t, does it? It’s all
water under the bridge and in Jenny’s lungs by now,
yeah? “Maybe Shane threw a bucket of water on her and
she melted,” Max says. Alice laughs and compliments Max
for saying something mean for once ’cause he never says
You know — this “getting
trashed ’cause our heart hurts” thing that Alice, Shane,
Helena and Dana have been known to do is a joke they’ve
used a hundred times … and it’s sold me each and every
time. I love it!
Much like tripping over
something and falling, being drunk when you’re
depressed/angry is always funny. I learned that thing
about the falling from Carlytron. Anyhow now the alcohol
has gone to Alice’s head and she’s gonna make up with
Jenny … for Shane’s sake. Bette toasts to that. Let’s
all be Jenny’s friend! She’s the new Casper the Friendly
“They’re playing like bossa nova polka music.”
Riese: “I bet this loop is on garage
Eye Closeup is Useless To Me if There is no Eyeshadow
Now we have Max giving
us a memorable moment! “She really saw me for who I am,
and she helped me accept it … it was the most important
thing that ever happened to me. I never knew someone who
could see someone’s inner desires and thoughts quite
like Jenny …” Aw. See, that’s true. Who is Jenny? Who is
Max? Who is Little Tink? Who is your Mom? Where is your
child right now? Doing drugs.
Ah yes … these inner desires and thoughts …
Touched This Dress, It is Very Tiny.
Jenny’s looking around
the mansion — “this is very fancy!” — when Foxy Brown
says she’s got some beef with Jenny, that she needs to
drop this thing about Bette and Kelly. But she can’t,
Jenny says! Then who will kill her?
Jenny tells Kit: “I
don’t wanna be involved in this, I can see that I’m
making everybody uncomfortable, I can see that my
friends don’t wanna be around me anymroe, that they want
me to shut the fuck up and go away. I just wanna do the
right thing.” And as Jenny sits there in her sparkly
dress with her watery eyes and little tights and big-ass
bag of who-knows-what … it gets really sad in my heart
that Jenny’s gonna die or get killed. I’m totally,
totally against killing.
Kit: “Do you have proof?”
Jenny: “I’m not a liar!”
Kit: “You don’t have proof.”
Jenny: “I don’t want to show you.”
Kit: “If you have proof, I want you to
So Jenny shows Kit the
“video” (23) of Kelly & Bette. Kit — who, let’s recall,
couldn’t discern Sunset’s true identity sans makeup and
pearls — sees said video, apparently believes this is
proof, looks disturbed. (24a)
“You guys can’t take video on an iphone.” (24b)
Jenny. Nice Tits. Wore strange outfits. Once was
looking for toast.<
Bette says that Jenny is
“complex, talented, self-destructive, sometimes very
generous, but complicated, complex.” If you missed it,
never fear, she’ll be saying it again in about two
minutes. Doesn’t Bette look fabulous?
Whenever I Do This, I Always Hope I’ll Find Something
Special & Fun In Addition to What I’m Searching For,
Like Money or Drugs
Oh now Shane is
ready to clutter cleanse or whatnot. Out with the IKEA
boxes! Let’s sell this shit! Out with old memories and
old relationships! Hell, out with current relationships!
“This music leads me to believe that she’s close to
In addition to a vintage
Some of her Parts movie poster and Ilene
Chaiken’s career, there are some suspect old items of
clothing collecting dust in the attic possibly belonging
to a prior owner — TIM I AM LOOKING AT YOU!
“Where’d that Cosby sweater come from?”
Carly: “Why has no one worn that yet
— or the Snuggie that’s behind it?”
Flowers [OF LOVE] in the Attic
Shane finds the jacket
and the letter quickly and sits down to read it. It’s
hard to tell what’s going on in Shane’s head. Probably
“this letter is better written than this scene.” And
after completing the reading of this letter, she
discovers the negative! Strike up the band! I wanna see
the girl-gets-the-boy in the end movie! Obviously Adele
put it there, or Weezieswhatzit. Or your Mom, or a duck,
or a squirrel, or a puppet, or a muppet, or Rose Troche,
you never know! It’s OPEN ENDED!! wheeeeeeeeeee!!!!
Although if Jenny is based on Ilene’s younger days,
maybe someone was doing her a favor by hiding this thing
in the attic.
We’re Going to Sundance!
“Maybe there’ll be a big notebook up there titled
Riese: “Helena’s relationship.”
Carly: “Videos of Kelly and Bette.”
Why did Jenny steal the
negative? DID SHE? (25) Maybe we’ll get the answers in
the police station, where Tina is explaining that
everyone pronounced Lez Girls differently. Ah
HA! case closed. What.
show everyone the master bedroom. They did spend a lot
of money on a renovation just to end the show. The
spin-off should be in this house, it can be a Sober
Living Facility like they talk about on Intervention.
If it’s defo gonna be about criminals. “Be careful you
guys because the contractor bailed out on us and she
didn’t fix the railing,” Tina says. Did you get that?
About the railing. Watch out. I hear it’s UNFINISHED.
Open your mouth for the airplane!
“I could spend my life in here,” says Alice in the
brand new fancy shower like the goofball that she is.
Well, Al. Don’t drop the soap …
The Risk I’m Taking By Saying This in the Police
“Alice has one of the
biggest hearts of anybody I know,” Tasha tells the po-pos.
“She takes risks.” Like how she let Tasha sleep with
Jamie. Did Tasha sleep with Jamie? I’m gonna make up
that story in my own head — no. Happy ending! Not THAT
kind of happy ending, weirdos. Obviously Tasha would
never betray Alice like that.
“Risks?” They ask. LIKE
DOES SHE TAKE THE RISK OF KILLING PEOPLE? DOES SHE?
The girls comment that
it’s too bad they can’t enjoy this place while they have
it. Bette says they’ve already enjoyed this place … wink
wink. The most awesome part of this scene is that Alice
is still standing in the shower, drinkin’ her drink.
THE FUCK OUT OF THIS SHOWWWWWWWW!!!!
Okay you guys don’t go
to the railing. Warning 5,000. Kit confronts Bette about
Kelly and says Jenny has proof and she saw it, and it’s
sad that Kit doesn’t trust Bette either, and that Jenny
has caused this mayhem by telling everyone about Bette &
Kelly and I don’t know, my head spins.
Bette says “that’s not
possible.” Well Jenny did learn Final Cut in one day and
write a screenplay in three days so perhaps much like
Bette’s rapid sign-language-learning skills, Jenny has
not only created a stunning video, but almost in her own
special way, made it real.
I wish suddenly this
show would go sci-fi. I want everyone to turn into a
Klingon and then there’d be a big laser-battle for the
Gauntlet. Obvs Shane would win, look at the biceps on
that hunk of burning love. No, JK, Adele would win,
’cause she’s a liar. Anyhow clearly it was
Marine Jahan in that video with Kelly. Ilene don’t
play me for a fool. I wasn’t born yesterday. If I had
been, I wouldn’t have watched this show, ’cause this
show sucked yesterday, just like it be sucking today, I
was born in 1981, so I saw this show at the start and it
was okay. Where was I? Ah yes. Dancing like I’d never
Can’t Hide Those Lying Eyes
Nikki wants to know if
she gets a lawyer. Of course you COULD have a lawyer,
Xena says, but the other girls don’t need one ’cause
they’re all so fiercely loyal and would never say
anything to hurt the other. “They’re very very close and
boy, they are looking out for one another.” (44 and 51)
Okay so let’s review:
1. The railing is not finished.
2. All of the characters on the show are fierecely loyal
to one another.
3. It’s sweater weather.
Together Forever and Never to Part
Jenny wants everyone to
go to the media room to watch the video and Helena &
Alice turn around in their swirly chair like two drunk
monkeys in a palace of fun. I wish Kit was wearing a
bra. Jenny says the video’s three hours long (26) so
they should probs get started watching it. Three hours?
Well, I bet Angus had a lot of memories to share.
Wherever he is. That nanny fucking motherfucker.
“I want everyone to go batshit crazy! I want Bette to
be like ‘Arrrhhhhh! You’re dead Schecter!’ and push
her off the ledge!”
Carly: “I’m so freaked out by
everything that’s happening right now.”
Tina to the attic to show her the negative. Tina is so
outraged that she — um — acts outraged? (29) She even
goes back to the house and says she’s gonna put Jenny
Schecter out of her fucking misery. But somehow this
desire rises up inside her before the desire to tell
Bette what happened.
Sugar Spell it Out.
walking around looking for Bette and can’t find her and
then Bette emerges … dum dummmmm …
Squabble #30: Redrum
In the Ring: Jenny vs. Bette
Content: Somewhere between this scene
and the Glamour Shots runway ending, those of us who’d
seen early spoiler videos assumed a key moment was
missing — it was not.
“My family, and the life I’ve worked so hard to
rebuild, means everything to me. And there’s nothing
that I wouldn’t do to preserve and protect them.”
Jenny: ” I would never do anything to
hurt your family, Bette. I love you, I love Tina.”
I’m glad to hear that. Because you know what I don’t
really care –”
Bette: “– if you think that I fucked
Kelly. All that I really care about is that you know
that I will not abide anyone who threatens my family.”
Midway through Season
Four I had to stop counting “Lesbian Foreplay Moments”
and “Lesbian Sex Moments” separately and instead combine
the two for “Lesbian Sexy Moments” ’cause it became
clear that no one was ever gonna fuck. This season, in
it’s final episode, I think I have to do away with
who wins, because the answer is
abundantly unclear. And that, my friends, is the end of
Jenny. Bette didn’t kill her, ’cause um no-one did, who
knows wtf whatevs — let’s leave that open ended. But we
never see her again. Well, until we get to heaven
anyone? Or we could just say the blessing over the wine
and bread, I think that’s what Jenny improv’ed in season
They show the
same clip of Bette in the po-po room again, then we
return to the porch, where Shane & Alice are sitting on
the dock of the bay, watching their show roll away.
Everyone I Love, I Need You Now
Alice is gonna make
peace with Jenny — otherwise she’ll be all alone without
any friends, and Shane’s gonna be with Jenny, so. Shane
lets Alice know it’s no longer an issue — Jenny has
committed suicide and is currently collecting seaweed at
the bottom of the pool for her underwater palace in
heaven. There’ll be synchronized swimmers in glittery
swimcaps and lots of splashie water. I mean they are not
Alice:“I thought you said you couldn’t break up
Shane: “That was then.”
Shane’s still protecting
Jenny, in a way. She’s not trash-talking or even
spilling what Jenny did. She’s just saying — we’re not
together. That’s sweet. Not as sweet as DEATH or
lollipops, but sweet.
Back at HQ,
Alice wants to know what these questions have to do with
who killed Jenny. I can’t even get into this scene. “So
you’re saying someone killed Jenny?” Xena asks. Then
Alice looks around and is like “Oh, I thought we were in
a police station ’cause there was a crime committed,
right? Where are we? Old Country Buffet? Let’s dance
pump up the Lady GaGa!”
I was in a band called The Murmurs. No, We Broke Up.
“They should interrogate US, we have LOTS OF QUESTIONS
Love You, You Love Me, We’re a Happy Family
Tina has a sweater.
Bette wants to tell Tina something. Tina wants to tell
Bette something. Max wants to tell them something.
Everyone wants a sweater. Everyone has things to tell.
Max felt a kick.
“That wasn’t the kick.”
Riese: “That wasn’t a kick, it was
the cone of the conehead baby.”
[sidenote: I'm not
intending to make fun of Max here, I'm intending to make
fun of Ilene's choice of impregnating someone who was on
testosterone which is bad for a baby and also prevents
pregnancy while it's still being taken.]
Bette touches the baby,
she’s trying to feel if it’s cute enough to be in family
photos with Angelica. Honestly though a Tom-Max baby
would probs be pretty fucking hot. I hope it gets
Daniela’s eyes. When they aren’t bloodshot. From
smoking. Crack. BWAH! Big reveal! JK. I wanna interview
her for Autostraddle.
To Be Such a Good Good Swimmer
Sounder did it, Sounder
did it. La la la. Where’s the blood? Where’s the body?
this screencap from
Dorothy Surrenders because The L Word
finale was so bad, it sucked out my soul and zapped me
of the energy to re-create its glory myself:
Hey Random Parts of the Gang are All Here!
Jenny has assembled a
plethora of characters to say goodbye to Bette & Tina– I
guess ’cause they didn’t have time to do it when they
left the show? (27-28) Tim jokes that they got him away
from that nutcase Jenny. Carmen says they deserve
wonderful things in the world, and I say it was brave of
Jenny to include Carmen knowing Shane still holds a
torch (who wouldn’t, you know?). I hope Tina deletes
Jodi’s cameo later, and I hope they have that party at
Peggy’s mansion, and I hope we’re all invited.
“It’s a parade of ALL my
exes,” Kit notes. I know she’s said sillier things this
episode, but something about this one particularly just
seems … Kittish. That parade would be kickass, I hope
Ivan would be the grand marshall and TOE could be the
You Would’ve Been Something I’d Be Good At
Max thinks we should
pause this three-hour masterpiece [it's like HAMLET!]
(35) and snag Jenny, ’cause he’s sure she wants to see
everyone’s reactions, but she’s probs upstairs watching
PuppyCam. Alice volunteers to go get her, ’cause they’re
gonna be friends now. That’s exactly what Alice needs,
another dead friend.
Kit’s on the teevee
screen saying how they’ll always be in our hearts, and
they’ll never forget us [sic], and maybe for one moment
your heart swells and you think, me too, I’ll never
forget you either, you silly cardboard people who
changed my life, and then Alice comes in and if for one
moment you can imagine she’s just sad that the show’s
over, maybe your eyes might water a little. And then the
Trail of Tears [Season Three] comes full circle … and
dries right up.
Now We’ll Never Know
Alice returns, upset:
“You guys, the pool is filled with water lilies, it
totally WAS Jenny’s idea!” And everyone’s like “I shot
the sheriff,” and Max is like “But I didn’t shoot the
deputy,” and then they’re all like UH HUH … HER? I mean
Alice says — it’s Jenny, you guys, and Alice looks
really upset, and it’s sad for like a second, I feel
sad. But then everyone else stops feeling sad or even
weird, so I just feel confused.
POOL NOISE! You hear a
splash — I think that’s Shane going in. I THINK. I mean
… I’ll never know. (36) And you hear Jenny’s voice on
the video: “Bye Bette and Tina. I love you guys.” At
this point, there’s only one theory besides “no-one”
that I’m prepared to buy –
She killed herself. This
video wasn’t for Bette & Tina, it was for Jenny. Dmm
Cried So Loud They Called the Police On Me
Here we are, back where
we started from. What’s changed? Nothing. Well, Nikki’s
in the bushes, Sounder found her (30). They’re gonna
bring her into the room after they wheel the dead body
back in and outta there for good measure. Everyone pay
your final respects, weirdos! Here’s another memory of
how things have changed:
None of Us Ever Said We Were Gonna Kill Her, Nothing
The girls are now in the
living room, where we last left them at the start of
Season Six. (40-44) All the questions we had then — did
Shane try to save Jenny? Did Bette? Did Jenny drown or
jump or what? Injuries? Why is no-one upset? All these
questions that albeit we never wanted to ask in the
first place (as “Who Killed Jenny?” was an unnecessary
subplot, we would’ve been perfectly happy to see eight
episodes of girls dancing, loving, laughing, fucking,
thinking and dreaming sans murder mystery) but asked
nonetheless because we were made to — not answered. I
was even prepared to cry a little bit when Shane jumped
in the pool to save Jenny!
they don’t know what went on out there (33-36), and
Helena volunteers that they all go down to the station
(33-36). You know who else I suspect doesn’t know what
went on out there? Ilene Chaiken. When the cops bring
Nikki in, Shane asks what she’s doing there — she said
she came to rescue Shane from Jenny’s box!
Telepathically, from the bushes, Rapunzel, let down your
See She Bought Me for $25,000 And Tonight Was Our
“Date” You Know?
If Nikki’s such a big
star that she can’t go on the Pink Ride without
attracting attention, I’m not entirely sure how she made
it into the bushes and consequently into the police
station without so much as a DListed blind item (31)
“Nikki SHUT UP!” Shane
yells. That’s how their relationship is. Nikki says
stuff, Shane tells her to shut up. Nikki’ll have plenty
of time later to incriminate herself during Coptalk
Therapy. Hm. I can see Shane’s nipple.
This part made my heart
feel happy, and also made my eyes water, when Tasha
comes in and tells Alice she’s still here. Yay!
Kit says they’ll
“co-operate” with the police, which is kind, considering
they don’t have a choice. There’s a Dead Horse in the
middle of the room, it’s “we’re all bffs who will stick
together no matter what.” Huh. I wonder if we’re
supposed to hate Jenny enough to think it’s sweet that
now they can all have this togetherness without her
interference, but I guess I just can’t wrap my head
around the idea that murder is ever a good thing, unless
it’s like, Hitler. Especially when the character is a
woman who’s survived rape and sexual abuse, has been
instituionalized for six months and clearly is more ill
than evil, but I’ve been told I mention that shit too
much and should stop.
“You guys changed my life. Wow, you really did. So
thank you. For everything. That’s it.”
-Jenny gets the last word
The girls all
pull into the parking lot of the police station (49 and
50), serene music begins to play ..
And then the walkway begins … which I actually sort of
admit that I liked. Because at least everyone got to
be back together one more time; and smiling ..
I Cannot Wait to Remove this Preggo Suit.
Think Malibu Barbie.
“I hope Kate doesn’t make me give this dress back to
her cousin, it’s so neat and flowy.”
“I feel like I’m on drugs.”
Carly: “This is like glamour
Riese: “I think they’re all in
heaven, I think this is supposed to be heaven.”
Carly: “Uh-uh … that ain’t my
You cleaned up well after that dip in the pool.
Good-bye to clocks ticking …
“Hey remember me? I’m the girl you loved before
“Yeah I remember you … I love you!”
show’s almost done, baby. You can go save the world
Oh! Look Who’s Here!
Sooo many feelings!
model through it. Model through it.
right up to the final minute … J-Beals is still doing
her darndest to sell it. Bless her heart. For real.
Lesbian Squabbles: 3 this ep, 30
Lesbian Sexy Moments: 2 this ep, 12
Quote of the Week: Helena
On a Scale of 1 to 10:
that coulda been better. Let’s move on to bigger and
better things … ’cause this isn’t the end. After all,
no one’s really told our stories yet.
“Two or three things
I know, two or three things I know for sure,
and one of them is
that to go on living I have to tell stories,
that stories are the
one sure way I know to touch the heart, and change