When in doubt,
dance. Dance, I say! Dance! Dance all over
the stage, change your clothes, tear up the
floor, waltz and tango and skip and mambo
your smokin’ hot bod down to the village
square, hook up with the Pied Piper of WeHo
and dance your way out of regularly
scheduled programming into the idea well of
death. Welcome to the recap of Episode 607
of “The L Word,” entitled “Last Couple
is lacking and characters are whacking,
the best bet for L Word
1. Get naked, have sex.
2. Put on costumes, start dancing.
3. Push it … push it good.
4. Push it real good.
warning — this recap is … mediocre, and … I
don’t know why. But it took forever! Like
four days nonstop!
would not even be possible were it not for
the amazing assistance of
Intern Vashti, who did all the
screencaps for me (I didn’t get the disc in
time), and I think you’ll agree that these
are probably the best screencaps I’ve ever
had. She did well with my detailed list of
what shots I wanted, for example:
shots of Kit’s amazing outfit that show
the full amazingness of it
- As many shots you can get of Push It as
long as there’s a good one of Tasha’s butt
and of their butts in the air, solid gold
- Dylena with that tramp in the background
w/belly hanging out talking bla bla
- Shot of the bus ’cause apparently we’re
supposed to look at the bus for 10 minutes
I also must
re-thank the ladies at
who hooked me up with a first cut of the ep,
enabling me to get a head start on the recap
before it aired ’cause I didn’t get the 607
DVD from Showtime ’til today. And I also
must thank Jeeeesus and
who per my request made me the most amazing
animated gif of all time [above]. Shoop.
If any of
you reading this are seeking temporary
“internship” opportunities this week/weekend
and you live in the NYC metro area, I’m
panicking slightly that next week’s recap
will also take forever and therefore I need
someone to come over and make screencaps
with my DVD on their computer while I do
work on my computer. I will pay you in: blow
buttons baby, and the golden opportunity
to see 608 before all the other kids do.
Comment. This is limited only to people who
can physically be here. If you turn out to
be psycho, I will give you rabies and throw
you in the Hudson River.
party: Robin, Carly, Riese, A;ex, Esmerelda
Fitzmonster (with occasional appearances by
the intro is so long. On Sunday
we’ll be live-blogging/tweeting/chatting
[TBA] the Finale Event from New Autostraddle
1.0 — a venture which you’ll hear more about
next week. The URL is www.autostraddle.com
and although right now that just redirects
here, pretty soon it won’t, and … um … it’s
kinda awesome, like … yeah. Just be excited,
add it to your bookmarks toolbar RIGHTNOW,
and be prepared for change. You
know, change? That thing Ilene doesn’t want
Shane to ever do?
Jenny was gonna die in Episode 607. When I
first saw her hair & makeup I thought:
“A-HA! That is Ghost Jenny if I ever saw
her…” (wtf hair&makeup?)
Ghost Dana is
clearly on her way, and everyone will dance!
Unfortunately that’s not the case. That’s
fine, now I’ve got seven more days to exist
within my personal fantasy world where Jenny
doesn’t actually die but rather wakes up and
declares “it was all just a dream!” Jenny is
immortal, as I’ve said.
You Wanna See My Spirit Stick or
welcome to the
L.A. Gay & Lesbian Center Children,
Youth & Family Services 2009 “Dancing
Through the Decades” Dance Marathon,
sponsored by OurChart. Aw. I bet that was a
fun do-over in the editing room. Alice warns
Bette that she’s going down like Charlie
Brown tonight ’cause The Three Dykeateers
are gonna three-peat this whole enchilada —
best dance, last couple standing, money
raised. Bette won’t say a word about what
she and Tina have up their designer sleeves.
As this scene happened I started remembering
how Bette left Alice for Tina. And then Dana
left Alice for Lara and now. Sigh.
cutely overly competitive. I think it’s
awesome that TLW is giving some extra
visibility to the
L.A. GLC, hopefully this’ll encourage a
lot of lesbos to give those people all their
money. Any way you roll the dice or feel
about this episode or this show, that’s
really cool, eternal A+ for social
kill Jenny this episode? Talice & Jamie’s
Alice: “Our Dance Routine
I Know There’s Like a Billion
Flowers on My Shirt! It’s Like the Garden of
returns to her playpalace, Bette calls out —
“Alice, look at what you’ve done” and
gestures elegantly around the room. It’s a
sweet supportive moment between friends
which is quickly ruined by the angel of
death, who’s ready to tattle.
Hey-o! What happened to THIS Jenny?
Episode 203 - Loneliest Number
Bette: “How were you when
your life fell apart?”
Jenny: “A mess.”
Bette:“That’s it. That’s
Jenny: “You know what? It
does get better.”
Bette: “You know, I
keep…replaying it, over and over again in
my head. Just trying to figure out…the
exact moment when I could’ve stopped
Jenny: “No, no, no you
can’t do that. Because we all make
Bette:“But not like me.
Not like this.”
[Bette looks at Jenny, Jenny smiles.]
Bette: “I don’t even know
why you’re talking to me about this. I
mean, it wasn’t like I was very nice to
you when you went through all of this with
Jenny: “I don’t know. I
guess….I know how that feels.”
et’s go see Ret-Conned Jenny. Shall we
Lesbian Squabble #25: I Listen In & I Draw
My Own Conclusions & Take Photos of Them &
I’m Guilty Of This, You Should Know This
Ring: Jenny vs. Bette
Content: Jenny wants to
know if Bette told Tina about what happened
while Tina was in the big apple. You know,
how Bette really liked Kelly’s peaches,
therefore wanted to shake her tree. Bette
rogers that and reports no, she did not tell
Tina about having sex with Kelly because she
did not have sex with Kelly.
Jenny: “It’s not funny, I
saw you through the window! You weren’t even
trying to hide it, Bette!”
that things one does in the privacy of one's
home count as "hidden."]
“I don’t know what you think you saw, but I
can tell you however it appeared, nothing
Jenny: “Then what did I see
Bette: “I don’t know, you
tell me. What did you see, Jenny?”
“I know this is hard, and I know that
you’re trying to be better –”
Bette: “Look. NOTHING
HAPPENED. Kelly came over, she was drunk,
she spilled her drink, I cleaned it up.
That’s the end of the story let it go.”
Jenny: “Tina’s my friend.
You know how it works, people find out about
Who Wins? Jenny.
C’mon, for an innocent woman Bette couldn’t
possibly have sounded guiltier. Wouldn’t one
naturally assume Jenny had somehow seen
Kelly trying to lay a smooch on Bette,
rather than that she’d seen the drink spill?
AND w/o knowing about the iphone photo, why
would Bette give this argument the time of
day? Clearly Dick Wolf wasn’t consulted on
this scene. Ilene why hast thou forsaken us.
Tina’s Jenny’s only friend now, so maybe she
is just lookin’ out.
really bad for Bette, and being punished for
something you didn’t do — especially when
it’s something people might expect you to do
but you don’t do anymore — blows harder than
Ted Haggard in a truck stop bathroom.
Sidenote ; if I’d been freeze-dried since
1985 without sexual activity and Kelly tried
to stick her hand down my pants — Hell to
the N-O. I’d rather make out with a
Because Republicans can be sexy.
Actually. Kelly’s probs a Republican, she
seems like that kind of asshole. Anyhow is
anyone still reading? I used to be funny,
now I’m not. I’m like
Full House .
Anyhoo, no matter, here comes Tina
to save the day!
doesn’t say that she’s gonna kill
Jenny? That’s right. Bette. Why not? I have
One Big Idea why. Anyhow as aforementioned,
it’s Jamie & Alice’s dance routine that does
the killing today, allegedly.
Tina’s been offered a job at Focus Features!
Bette says Tina you are a ROCKSTAR! See,
they’re so happy together, like two turtles
on a peapod in an ocean of lovely-love.
There’s only one catch — this new job is in
New York, New York!
Same Sex, Different City.
Bette — her
entire body seized by fear that Jenny’s
gonna rat out her innocent & lovely ass —
eagerly suggests they skip town. It’s such a
for her to get away from Jennifer for
Tina! But Tina says they can’t leave their
life & friends! There’s so much friend love
here! OR IS THERE?
We got plenty of love for y’all right
My Face Is Just a Trace of Where I’m Coming
exposition! Alice disapproves of Marcie
moving in, Tina shares their travel
itinerary: 1. They’re not attending the
entire marathon because 2. They’re picking
up Marcie from the bus station at 7 A.M.
because 3. Classy! I’ve done that route on
the Greyhound, I almost got raped and
pillaged by a one-toothed man who smelled
like Sausage McMuffins & dead people. Just
saying, don’t be surprised if Marcie arrives
with placenta running down her bare thighs
and knee-socked calves.
Shortalls, Alice. She was wearing
they should see Baby Mama (I
haven’t, never will, I got one leg
whatever), ’cause apparently this situation
is a one-way road to trouble and … probs a
Alice: “And she’s a teenager, so
she’s gonna hate you guys out of principle.”
Bette: “You know what she’s 22
Alice: “Okay so she’s gonna wanna
down like 50 beers after dinner.”
know who else likes 50 beers after dinner? I
mean — before dinner, after lunch, etc.?
With afternoon tea? That’s right, Helena!
HELENA!! Let’s get it ONNNN! Marcie and
Helena, sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G!!
Alice: “You could get all
lost in those mushy mama feelings and sock
it to ‘er one night.”
Big Bettism: “Okay, that’s enough.
I am not some fucking lose cannon that just
fucks everything that walks okay I can be
I Learn Every Room Long Enough to Make it to
the Door and Hear it Click Shut Behind Me
Alice: “Is Marcie hot?”
Alice: “You guys, you’re bringing
me down okay?”
Carly: “I wish she’d said ‘you
guys are harshing my mellow, okay?”
Don’t Think I’ll Deny Why Would I
apologizes to Helena for “pushing” her into
the Dylan Test, but Helena says it’s okay —
she was “complicit,” she wanted to know. [Sidenote:
and Dylan obvs overreacted, as she totes
deserved to be tested.] Remember when Tina
and Helena had S-E-X in a P-O-O-L? They love
PoolSex on The L Word. And in less
than a week, there’ll be no more lesbian
pool sex EVER. I hear there’ll be a dead
body in the pool, maybe a few floaties, some
of those rings at the bottom. Shamu. Shamwow.
love with you,” Tina tells Helena. Helena
asks “then where is she?” Excellent point.
Where the fuck is she. One does not
sacrifice one’s chance to make love to
Helena Peabody. Enough of this character
ent, let’s get on with the dance!
You Better Work.
If you haven’t already seen the episode,
I’d suggest a drinking game that requires
one drink for every time they cut away to
the audience applauding. You will be
wasted within fifteen minutes tops.
Carly: “Is this the only drag
queen in the world?”
Riese: “This is a one-avenue
town. One lawyer, one therapist, one drag
queen. And he’s actually a really bad drag
Carly: “Uh yeah! Like he hits on
Riese: “I don’t even know
if he could get a job at
Lucky Cheng’s .”
Alex: “Um absolutely
The Colors of My Wind
Jamie/Pocahontas [BTW, I'm related to
Pocahontas, as I've mentioned 500 times,
therefore Jamie is my sister] takes the
stage to discuss the cause — the LA Gay &
Jeff Griffith Youth Center (In NYC we
Ali Forney Center) for homeless gay
youth, and then calls Alice up. Alice is
jazzed & adorable & pumped, she’s a whole
the crowd how her life has turned around
after getting fired from The Look
Rosie Cruise '07 opening night
performance post-Hassleback showdown
flashbacks!], she’s made a good friend &
loves her girlfriend more than ever and she
owes this to someone very special. MARIE!
Marie taught Alice something very important:
“It’s not a one way street, we can really
influence these kids and if you give them
one second of your time they can really turn
your life around.” APPLAUSE!
Coincidentally, my name is also
Marie I am just saying.
Carly: “She looks kindaaaa like
Riese: “She’s like a poor man’s
Carly: “Oh my god, she totally
IS, we can’t write that down.”
thrilled to be ahead of the three-peat game
already. See, look how good Jenny is for
charity. $1,500! Tina’s facial expression is
priceless, it says: “There goes Angelica’s
clarinet lessons, big spender.” The trio
exits and Sunset calls Kit Porter to the
stage. Kit’s wearing one of the costumes
Showtime asked me to identify for their
auction and I said I was certain I’d never
seen it on the show. ‘Cause if I had, I
would’ve remembered, because this little
jumpsuit thing is probs the best moment of
all six seasons, I want one in every color.
I’m bidding on it. Sidenote; it’s much
smaller than you’d expect, we guessed it was
My Thrumpin’ Piano Comes Through
Kit: “I have a little
question for you … will you be my dance
partner for this evening?”
Sunset [makes weird
noises]: “Oohhhh yeeeessss!”
news, Kit’s talking like she just took a
bubble bath in liquid codeine.
Robin: “Did they just go to
Claire’s and pick random accessories for
Carly: “Totally, that’s where
they met Sunset Boulevard.”
Riese: “He’s like the guy
that will pierce your ears even if you’re
Does Each Apology Sound More Like a Shrug
apologizes to Helena. Helena blows her off
and walks away. Alice wants Helena to dance
but Helena can’t stay up for 12 hours and
dance, and Kit hasn’t blown any horn players
lately so there’s no coke to go around, but
Tasha & Alice tell her she must dance — she
can dance with Jamie, who’s a weirdly
awesome dancer. If Helena doesn’t dance,
none of us will dance, it’ll be anarchy!
Sidenote; what’s the point if Helena has no
I’m Not an Addict, It’s COOL, I feel
Alice&Tasha have been awake all week
building endurance. All work and no play
makes Alice apparently a very perceptive
girl. She takes Helena to get a number,
leaving Tasha & Jamie alone to check each
“What?” Tasha asks.
“If you don’t know, I’m not gonna tell you,”
Jamie responds. My heart hurts.
Robin: “Wasn’t Tasha the one that
says thinking was cheating?”
Riese: “That was like a few
Carly: “They’re completely
different characters now.”
So Then I Wake Up, and it’s the
Morning, and My Legs Are Wrapped Around
Her … Wha?
dance marathon begin! If anyone stops
dancing they’ll be eliminated and then one
gay child will die. The first dance will be
a line dance. Kit, who’s upped the Studio 54
ante by snorting lines of horse tranquilizer
in the backroom, does an intro dance with
Sunset that closely resembles my imitation
Janet from Intervention dancing
with her imagination.
Kit’s butt look kinda cute in this?:
inspires the crowd of cheap hookers to DANCE
The Tango Kit Porter is a
Dark Dizzy Merry-Go-Round …
“If there is no spring in your step–”
“and no funk in your trunk –
“You will be eliminated –”
“The question is … do you have the staying
[Kit makes 4-5
strange/amazing facial expressions]
Confessions on the Dance Floor
Bette & Tina are such cute dancers. Then,
because this is in fact The Way That We Live
— Bette spots her ex. Jodi’s taken a break
from constructing a giant shrine honoring
the wire hanger she used to abort Bette’s
dignity to shake her little ass for charity.
Tina tells Bette to not let Jodi ruin her
night. “She’s probably just here to do some
good,” Tina suggests. Tina’s one of those
naturally happy people, I suspect. Jodi is
one of those naturally Shake What Your Mama
Gave You people.
Jodi’s gonna give that girl her O
to tell Tina about her earlier conversation
with Jenny but is busted in on by Alice, who
disregards the “private convo” vibe to ask
if they sense any weird Jamie-Tasha-vibes.
Tina & Bette draw on their long history as
Jamie’s BFF and the very illustrative
example of her dancing on the other side of
the room to declare that there is no vibe.
None at all.
This is the Dawning of the Age of
hand dances are reminiscent of 90’s girl
movies featuring hippies who summon dead
people around fires. After interrupting
Bette’s confession twice, Alice goes back to
her hidie -hole and Bette returns to
attempting to tell Tina … but it’s hard,
isn’t it? You’ve got the weight of what
you’ve done on your back, the explanation
that’s sure to sound sketchy. What does she
think Jenny saw? Does she think Jenny’s just
making shit up to be “manipulative and
evil”? What the Eff is going on? “Never
mind,” Bette says. “We’ll talk about it
later.” And they dance on.
Bette and Jodi are washing their dirty hands
of each other in the bathroom at the same
time. IMHO, Bette could’ve escaped this
catastrophe w/Jodi by just moving very
quietly and refusing eye contact. Instead,
Bette does the mature thing and asks Jodi if
“they’re really gonna do this — not say Hi
to each other.” Why is Bette always so
perfect? Apparently Jodi and Jenny have
spoken and Jodi now knows about Bette &
Kelly — or maybe Jenny just said “I THOUGHT
YOU COULDN’T HEAR THE MUSIC” and Jodi heard
“BETTE AND KELLY DID THE DIRTY DIRTY.” You
know? These things happen. Rumors flying on
the dance floor, etc. I can’t hear shit in
Lesbian Squabble #26: You Can Fuck Whoever
In the Ring: Jodi vs. Bette
Content: Jodi’s glad she
dodged a bullet with Bette. Bette had a gun?
This story keeps getting shadier and
shadier. I can barely keep up with these
“Jenny told me about you and Kelly.”
“And you believed her? She thinks that she
saw something, nothing happened.”
“Then why did Kelly tell me it did?”
really good question. Did Kelly tell Jodi
before Jenny told Jodi? She must’ve, ’cause
Jodi can’t talk on the phone, I doubt her &
Kelly are at text-friends level, and Jodi
just talked to Jenny. That means: 1. I bet
Jodi brought it up, not the other way
around, which I imagine cemented Jenny’s
suspicion, if she had any doubt before. 2.
This is now 50% Jenny’s fault, 50% Kelly’s
fault, and 0% Bette’s fault. Bette needs to
call Kelly STAT! This shit’s BANANAS!
my heart here. “It’s Tina I feel sorry for,”
Jodi says like a patronizing fuck.
Personally I feel sorry for Jodi because she
has a totem pole up her ass, Jamie brought
it over from her wigwam. Where’sTashsa to
beat a bitch down when you need her.
Back on the
dance floor, the gay youths are fabulous!
And the ladies are line-dancing/gossiping.
What’s the story, morning glory? What’s the
word, mockingbird. There’s something about
this line dance that makes everyone look
ridiculously sexy. Shane looks sexy, Jenny
looks sexy, Alice looks sexy even though
she’s wearing Bette’s S3 maternity
meditation outfit …
Jenny to Bette: “Did you
[Bette rolls her eyes, keeps dancing.]
Riese: “Don’t you feel like Jenny
looks cute right now?”
Alex: “Oh totally.”
Carly: “Oh I don’t know I’m too
annoyed with her to have an opinion.”
I’m So … SCARED!
dressed like there’s no time, only
Shane-time. It’s like Miller Time. Dance
through what decades, dance in your pants.
Shane tells TiBette not to move to NYC, they
can’t leave her here all alone with Jenny —
though I suspect they’ll be all too happy to
leave this kind of silly drama and bizarre
personality transplants behind.
continues to conduct the “is something up
with Jamie and Tasha?” survey … and Helena
gives Alice her first positive response —
“Yeah, you should be worried.” Cheers to
Honest Helena. Boo to … Alice’s heart
hurting. Good news though!
I See Red
Hurts. Can we just give Alice a pretty girl,
a rock band, a hot job and a baby? Or just
send her to jail? Oh. Okay.
Do I Push it Down Or Let it Run Me
Right to the Ground
Yeah I’ll Volunteer in Your Pants
like, ooo Tasha are you gonna volunteer at
the center, and Tasha’s all like yeah I
will, and Jamie’s all like yah you will,
’cause this is probs her game, she woos
people into charity with her hot bod.
Tasha’s restrained though, not overstepping.
She’s hard to read — as a lady who thinks
thinking is cheating, perhaps she’s just
doing her best to control her own thoughts.
Meanwhile,Esmerelda has feelings for Tasha’s
Even the Muppet has his 80’s glasses on.
Hard Core Superstar By Far You’re
the Ultimate Star
that girl?! Who is it? Is it Nikki Stevens,
the star of direct-to-video limited release
Criterion edition super special The
Girls: Because Men and Women Belong Together,
starring Nikki Stevens as Jessie? Nikki
beelines straight for Sexy Shane, who’s
all-too-happy to see her and conveniently
located right in front of Nikki’s face.
Clever In What She Does Competing
for the Attention
for Jenny,” Shane says, shifting her pelvis
into Nikki’s grill. “She’s my partner.” They
throw the word “partner” around like Silly
Putty on this show. Nikki acutely notes that
Jenny didn’t seem like Jenny’s partner last
week, when Shane took her to the photo
studio Jenny bought her to secretly have sex
and then barfed. When Nikki apologizes for
skipping out on the barf-party, Shane says,
“it’s okay, some people just aren’t very
good at taking care of others.” Clearly,
these two are shining examples, they’re both
doing quite well with Jenny’s heart. Again
we have another scene where it’s clear even
Kate doesn’t know why the hell these lines
See Shane, This is Why You Got
doesn’t actually like Nikki, does she? Does
she just want Jenny to dump her? Seriously
THIS IS THE MOST ASSHOLE THING EVER. I don’t
care if Jenny is in fact the devil herself,
you break up with her before you fuck her
ex-girlfriend. This is so inappropriate it’s
gone all the way past inappropriate into
unacceptable and all the way back to WTF TFS.
Salt, busts in on Shane with her ghetto-girl
voice and Shane laughs which is nice ’cause
Shane rarely laughs these days. Shane says
they’re competing because Jenny wants to,
it’s “not her thing” [mmm, I don't hear
Tasha whining like this, suck it up and be a
woMAN!] and Alice is like “What is
your thing these days?” and rather than
delve into the deep secrets of Nikki’s inner
thighs, Shane just says “not now, Alice.”
it’s how Shane wants it to be. This is an
interesting conversation — oh! Nevermind.
Back to the dancing. If it kept going,
there’d be a lot of awkward silences where
Shane’s personality is supposed to be.
The fabric from Alice’s Season
Four gold lame dress called and said it
looked so much better the first time
costumes are devolving as the night goes on.
He’s moved from outfits to common household
materials, such as sofa slipcovers and
for Jenny & Shane to dance. I think they
thought it was the 1870’s. Jenny’s selling
it, Shane’s melling it. That’s a new word,
just made it up — it means “mellow.” Shane
smiles, almost, from time to time, but the
weight of the piece is on Jenny’s shoulders
and in the ruffles at the bottom of her
dress. There’s something sad & itchy about
thought we left possession behind ,
but truth is i was yours and you weren’t
“and now i’ve replayed a thousand times
exactly what was said.”
“’cause nothing is as it appears in the
funhouse mirrors of your fears.”
“on the rollercoaster of all these years”
“with your hands above your head …”
They earn moderate ratings. They will not
win. In more ways than one. But they look
kinda gorgeous together. In the VIP
lounge, Nikki cheers. Nikki don’t mind.
It’s her two favorite sexual partners, all
up in one another’s junk.
Back in the dressing room, Alice is ready to
go, there she goes, there she goes again
Girls what’s her weakness? (Women!) Alice’s
just chillin’, chillin’ minding her business
(word) when yo Tash, she looked around and
she couldn’t believe this. I swear, she
stared, with Tina her witness. Bette had it
goin’ on with somethin’ kinda … uhhhh …
Shoop Shoop Ba -doop
Alice: “I didn’t know
Dance Fever was back in the air.”
Bette: “Oh I’m sorry I
didn’t realize Kriss Kross was looking for a
away, all like "Whatevs bitch, my pants are
“Hey Al, nice cameltoe.”
nice raunchy comeback. Love it!]
Wicked, wicked. Alice had to kick
Alice: “Fuck, they’re not
fucking around! They’re serious they have
Tasha: “I see that. Wasn’t
this supposed to be fun?”
Alice: “FUN?! NO!”
Don’t know how
she makes you do the voodoo that you do.
So well, it’s a
spell, hell, makes me wanna shoop shoop …
Bette: “Do you think you need to
go over it again?”
Tina: “Go over it again?
No I think I’m good.“
Bette: “Are you sure because
they have wigs and spandex it’s not a
fucking joke. We have no idea what they’re
[QUOTE OF THE WEEK #1 RIGHT THERE]
Tina: “I’ll do my best.”
I love it
when I don’t really even have to say
anything, ’cause it’s already good.
Alice, worried that TiBette are packed and
stacked ’specially in the back, starts
having second thoughts. Maybe this wasn’t
such a good idea after all, the dance
routine. I mean the three of these ladies
weren’t put in the same storyline to dance
together, clearly they are here to have A
FUCKING THREESOME. Shotgun-bang! What’s up
with that thang?
Carly: “You know which one is
Carly: Alice is the me of
Chocolate Chip, Honey Dip, Can I Get a
“Alice, what’s wrong?”
Alice: “No, no I can’t … I
don’t have rhythym.”
Alice: “No, I don’t, it’s a
— it’s a joke. I don’t know what I was
Tasha: “What are you
talking about? You were the lead in West
Jamie: “You said we’re
number one, we can’t be number two?”
gonna beat the whoopie outta you!]
“Uh uh you guys everyone went traditional,
we look like freaks.”
No you look AWESOME.
uh-uh, I wore this outfit in my senior
yearbook picture, fool. [I wore chapstick on
a rope around my neck, I'm not judging.]
“We don’t we look good — alright,
alright, we look a little crazy but come on.
[LOLZ!] That is not the point. Listen
alright we can do this, you know the
routine, you choreographed everything,
Alice: “Another problem,
why did you let me do that. I don’t know how
to choreograph shit.”
Tasha: “Put your wig on,
Alice, put your wig on, okay? You’re gonna
Alice: “I was a terrible
Maria, by the way.”
went to a white girl school, how the F did
she get cast as Maria? She is a kickass
singer, though. Say so, you want to …
And If You Wants to Dance and If
She Wants To Lead …
been in this situation before and I think
Alice needs two girlfriends. Not ’cause she
needs to have sex with both of them at once
(though I’m sensing that’s never gonna
happen, therefore if I were Jenny I would
want to die too) but ’cause she just has a
lot of feelings and needs.
“You’re gonna do this. Just think of one
thing, okay? Think — think — everybody out
there, they’re here for you, okay?
Jamie and I are
gonna do this crazy ass dance for you.
I’m in a turquoise onesie for you,
okay, so pull it together.“
OF THE WEEK #2 HANDS-DOWN.
Dignified in What She Does when
Alex: “It’s gonna be like -
[sings] - All the single ladies, all
the single ladies ...”
Carly: “That’s what we woulda
done, obvs — for the Dance whatever this
thing is they made up.”
Riese: “No, those are real,
they’re a big deal. They had a huge Dance
Marathon at U of M [University of
Michigan, my alma matter] with breaks and
guest speakers and stuff, it’s like a big
[Everyone is stunned speechless by the
truthiness. But enough about us. ZOMG!]
And then we
begin — Salt-n-Peppa’s PUSH IT.
You gotta push it …
Push it good …
Push it …
I don’t know about you, but clearly we
have declared a hands-down-totes winner. I
always wished the L Word could be
more like Roundhouse.
Esmerelda can’t hold a sign without
assistance but if she could it would be a
ten. Also Robin’s ten is slightly higher
than our tens because she looks super
crazy in this photo.
I could watch this dance scene ten more
times. One hundred more times. And still
love every minute.
Want One Thing I Wanted To Come True
still feeling sad & weird that her
girlfriend did not even attempt to push it
real good, seems well aware that Shane’s
looking the other way. If Haviland was here
she’d be like, “Shane! You need to
communicate! Don’t cheat on her, promise me
you’re not gonna do that. Just break up with
her first before you have an affair, that is
so lame not to. Be honest with her, tell her
how you feel, don’t just run off to the
bathroom, that is so lame, Shane, for REAL.
To Destroy The Things I’ve Got For
the Things I Need
To Destroy The Things I
Love For the Things I See [Nikki]
“If this is that same fucking girl
that’s been fucking random girls in the
bathroom since 2004, I am going to be
fucking livid don’t you try me.“
And then we
go to the bathroom, where Shane is
apparently surpassing the “five minutes to
pee” limit. Really? Five minutes? It takes
five minutes to pee? I feel like I could
pee, do a line of coke, switch up a tampon,
text Haviland and be outta that stall in
three or less.
Lesbian Sexy Moment #10: We Never Change,
Do We? We Never Learn, Do We?
The Players: Shane and
The Pick-Up: Probs “Hey,
are you an asshole? I’m also an asshole.
Let’s go be assholes together. Maybe at
some point, I can touch your asshole. Do
you like that? Probs not. That’s why you
don’t have sex with boys anymore, isn’t
it. Boys always think you’ve got a secret
up there and anyway aren’t you saving your
ass virginity for
Brian Kinney , yes you are.”
Hot or Not?: Tina & Bette’s dance
sequence is much sexier than Shane’s
delayed emotional gr
and wish they didn’t keep cutting away.
Out of context = hot. In context= not hot.
I can’t believe I’m saying this about
Shane, the former love of my life, the
reason I watched this show to begin with.
Oh, the tangled web we’ve woven.
Riese: “Fuckin’ A.”
Carly: “Ugh, Shane, you
Big Boo for Shane.
back to the good stuff. What we
wouldn’t give to see this shit uncut. What
we wouldn’t give to see the rehearsal for
this. Angie was sitting on her special chair
clapping and squealing “Mommy is shiny!”
Tina & Bette dance to
Soul II Soul’s “Back To Life”. I hope
all ye Tibetters are sitting on a towel
’cause you’re probs about to cream through
I look at you and I can’t disguise
I’ve got hungry eyes
I feel the magic between you and I …
And look who shows up mid-dance …
It’s Dylan. She tells Helena that she’s
sorry. Not about her haircut, but about her
personality. Yay! Let’s dance, lovebirds!
give TiBette 10, 9.0, and 8.5. Maybe the 8.5
had a crush on Bette in college and got
rejected, I think that dance was one of the
hottest moments of the season (besides Push
It)– these women who’ve been through ups &
downs for years & years are stronger,
sexier, and more in sync than ever,
andthat’s fucking beautiful. I’d rather by a
DVD of just that dance [uncut] than the
I Like What You Do When You Do What You Do
Riese: “They just did the Obama
Carly: “According to Fox
News, they just fisted.”
We’re 75% sure that Team TiBette has this
shit in the bag when that bitch from
Dancing with the Stars takes the stage
in her Dancing with the Stars prom
dress, pulling an unexpected underdog effort
a là Screech & Lisa on crutches. Sidenote;
love shows where the only people in the
dance contest are main cast members — [sidenote
#2, after Jodi's big moment on DWTS last
year, A;ex and I made our own video of A;ex
dancing to "I Want You Back" with earplugs
in to see if it was possible for her to
dance without hearing the music,inter-spliced
with Jodi's best DWTS moments. Watch that
Tina: “Any regrets?”
Bette: “Not - a -one.”
are stunned. Obviously Jodi is not deaf
after all. The first clue was the video
installation. Just kidding, I’m running out
of jokes. The judges cream all over it.
Jodi’s an amazing dancer for sure, but I
think this show is maxed out (ha! “maxed”!)
on presenting members of various
marginalized social groups as assholes, and
there’s nothing about Jodi’s behavior this
episode that makes anyone like her more. The
dance is smoking hot — but again, in
context? Not so much. Out of context? Like
on the reality show where it belongs? Ah,
well, an interesting twist.
On the upside, your girlfriends =
way hotter than Jodi’s girlfriend.
Time for the monkeys to go to the picnic and
have their foods! What’s for lunch? Corn on
the cob? Alice says Jodi & her bitch must’ve
been practicing for months. “You had us
practicing for months,” says Tasha. Teeny
exaggeration there — apparently 606 happened
last week, so … [how fun would a rehearsal
montage have been? That's J-Beals specialty,
MANIAC!] … Alice shoots back “your sense of
fair play is annoying.” Agreed.
just one of those girls that won’t get
excited about anything unless it’s
officially, genuinely, seriously important.
And maybe still even now she doesn’t see
what Alice sees as mattering … but can we
bear to see Alice’s little heart be sad with
only one episode to go? Can’t they break up
in the off-season?
And I Hate To Say It, But You’re
Perfect Together …
down next to Bette & Tina. They don’t even
have to say anything. Bette puts her hand on
Alice’s shoulder, and Tina gives her a
little smile, and little muppet hearts all
over the world break right open.
in the world-famous VIP lounge, Nikki’s
dishing to her No.1 Groupie about how hot
her BathroomSex was with Shane. “Nikki,”
Lily Allen says, “Twelve o’clock — no the
other 12. Behind you.” Oh! Hello there.
Jenny a guilty/I’m still in love with you/I
eat doorknobs for dinner look. But instead
of calling Nikki out for fucking Shane again
… and again … she gives Nikki a little bit
of “advice.” In Season Six advice from Jenny
is not always a fantastic thing to take.
Well, Alice hasn’t looked into the cartoon
voiceover thing yet, so.
I’m Sure You Don’t Mean To Be Mean When You
Creep Up and Tell Me
Carly: “I cleared out my special
lounge for you Jenny. Nikki’s sitting like
she’s the fucking Queen of Sheeba.”
Riese: “And Jenny is the
Princess of Darkness.”
is very harsh with you,” Jenny says. “You
have a reputation for being shallow and
vain.” Nikki’s like, “No I don’t.” Come on,
Nikki can’t read, how would she know she has
a bad reputation. She has a bad reputation
in my living room, but that’s another story.
Jenny suggests Nikki fixes her public image
by auctioning herself off for charity. You
know. Selling her body for money. Nikki’s so
nervous around Jenny, she’s like a whole
different person. Jenny should maybe date
someone who’s super intelligent, more on her
level — maybe that would help with the
e problem. Anyhow speaking of selling
oneself, let’s go out into the alley …
Baby this is the last honest love I’ll ever
Dylan are outside kissing like schoolgirls.
Helena has a memory! Backstory! Back in the
day, little miss Peabody, who I deduce
looked smashing in knickers, liked to dash
outside from boarding school to kiss Bridget
Somethingsomething who eventually left dear
Helena for a “Maths superstar.” You know
those Maths guys.
Veiny cocks like salamanders. The ladies
in the background are mildly distracting.
Natalie: “Oh my G-d I thought
that was –”
Riese: “A prostitute?”
Natalie: “Oh no, i thought it was
Jenny and Shane, but it’s Dylan and
Riese: “Is that the set
Carly: “That’s Ilene
Chaiken in the hat.”
I’m Gonna Hold You Anyway and I’m
Gonna Do It Without Shaking
“Not much has changed, has it? I’m still
just gambling with my heart … Dylan, I’m
“Listen, no more apologies. I think we just
need to start new, okay? Can we do that?”
they can. Brian Kinney says never explain,
never apologize. Let’s get this show on the
road! Bada-bing bada-ching, ring a ding a
ling shoop shoop da doop!
killed a bird. Bird-killer = Jenny killer?
You know how Ilene feels about dudes.
Sunset, in all honesty, has never looked
better. He should wear Zebra ever day. Nikki
gets up to say she’d like to make a donation
and auction off a date with herself.
Roxanne You Don’t Have to Sell
Your Body To Make Right
start low and Nikki angles high: “Let’s make
it 2,000, I make really good pancakes.” No
honey, Rosa makes the pancakes, you just
pour on the Aunt Jemima, that doesn’t count
as making pancakes. Someone wants breakfast
— Jenny bids $25,000. She shields her eyes
when the spotlight turns to her. She looks
dark and sad. Shane looks dead in the eyes.
Alice is livid to lose the donation game.
Again we see how Jenny is good for charity.
Jenny Moment: “Shane, you don’t
have to fuck her in a bathroom anymore, you
don’t have to sneak around,
I don’t want
you to do that, so I bought her for you. So
you can have her whenever you want.”
Alex: “AND that’s why we
Carly: “–and that is
If it wasn’t
sort of degrading to the cause (bringing
personal drama into a charity event is a
little tacky), I’d give this particular
Jenny Moment a 10 out of 10. But because of
that I give it an 8.5. Well, Lacey made a
banner. Shane, where have you gone.
approaches Shane, who looks like she’s
thinking about chapstick and cucumbers and
suicide, and tells her: “Listen, I don’t
care. You can fuck whoever you want,
whenever you want. Fuck Nikki, fuck whoever.
I know that you need it, it doesn’t scare
me, because I know you. Okay?” But … that’s
not okay. It’s never okay to fuck your best
friend’s ex-girlfriend, or your girlfriend’s
ex-girlfriend. Is Jenny just trying to keep
her? Is she a flip-flopper from hell? Or is
she just being manipulative? Well, let’s
move on and never find out.
Dammit my plan to get dumped was foiled.
Nikki’s probs in back whipping up the
tentatively approaches Jodi; “I don’t know
why I care about what you think of me but I
do, and I promise you I haven’t cheated on
doesn’t believe her but says it doesn’t
matter. Yes it does, it just does, if it
didn’t matter, Jodi wouldn’t have brought it
up or said she’s glad to have dodged a
bullet. Nevertheless Bette’s fed a hearty
portion of Jodi’s Maxims for Life. “Every
day we wake up and promise ourselves we’re
going to be better. The problem is in the
execution.” She wishes Bette & Tina
happiness. I bet after Bette left Jodi
signed to herself “just kidding I hope you
‘Cause I’m Good Enough, and Smart
Enough, and G-ddammit People Like Me
Fuck you Jodi.
she was silly to think a 15-minute power nap
would be okay. Well, there’s item number one
Tasha and Jamie do NOT have in common
because Tasha would be just fine because she
was in the army and took power naps all the
time so there, they’re too much alike, it
would never work.
Be Careful What You Ask
Alice:“Do you have feelings for
Jamie: “Alice, I would never do
Alice: “I know.”
Be Cautious How You Act
Don’t mind it’s a common reaction
Bette look like they’ve just slept for 10
hours, it is the buttcrack of dawn and they
are fully accessorized. I’m lucky to be
wearing pants with pockets after an
all-nighter, let alone a watch with matching
earrings & scarf. These women are on top of
their shit, should probs take custody of the
octuplets. Or move to New York City.
Bette: “At a certain
point I have to trust that they’re like
our family, and just because we leave
L.A., it doesn’t mean that we’re leaving
Tina: “It’ll be a fresh
start. It’ll be a new city. It’s gonna be
Riese: [as Bette] “You call those
teenagers our friends? Who needs enemies.”
Carly: [as Bette]“Our
friends are lame. We need new ones.”
Riese: [as Bette] “Our friends
are our family, like my Dad. He
was mean to me and now he’s dead.”
A;ex: “Riese! I swear to
I Don’t Really Care For Your City
remember that they have to apply for schools
starting now. Good luck ladies, the NYC
school situation for upwardly mobile
beautiful power lesbians like yourself is
brutal, you are gonna be really happy you
went for a mixed-race baby. Although there’s
a spin-off I’d like to see. Welcome Back
Porter, like Welcome Back Kotter,
which I’ve never seen, but it rhymes with
Porter sort of. In the pilot I want Bette to
unleash a can of whoopass upon a Duane Reade
There’s a man on the stage and Kit is on the
alert. What the hell, it’s Soy Bomb, he’s
gonna hijack the show. Guess who it is okay
I’ll tell you it’s that drag queen but not
No, that’s Kit, she’s a woman, she just
dresses like that.
it’s THIS GUY:
Sunset: “You know me as
Sunset Boulevard. But my real name is
Carly: “… and I’m here to recruit
Riese: “Oh my god they
have no idea what straight people do, do
Carly: “Oh my god, no
“But my real name is Sonny Benson, and I’m a
straight man who loves his gay and lesbian
family. And I hope you can still accept me.”
Tonight You Can’t Put Him Up on Any
are no people visible who are actually
applauding, the sound editor has added
massive rousing applause. HURRAH! Drink! You
know the Little Red Riding Hood stripper
back there is gonna have a little Citron.
that she told him things she’d never tell a
man who was wearing men’s clothing. I think
Kit needs glasses. Sonny tells Kit that
she’s the most beautiful woman he’s ever
seen and he’d like nothing more than to take
her to dinner and get to know her better.
Kit don’t need no dinner. She already ATE,
bitch. This is the fourth person who’s
doggedly pursued Kit and actively ached to
explore her nether regions; declaring love
in public places, writing songs and sending
50 bouquets of flowers. Yet this has never —
not once — happened to Alice. That makes me
sad. This also happens to Tinkerbell all the
probs to take a nap and then come back and
face this situation head on, directly to the
pulls up and Tina and Bette wait anxiously
and cutely, like something good is about to
happen. Maybe Marcie missed the bus.
Speaking of Kriss-Kross.
Carly: “They’re like America,
wearing blue and red.”
Riese: “Maybe she had her
baby on the bus.”
Carly: “Bette looks like she
works for the bus.”
I can’t even
show you a screenshot of their faces waiting
for Marci because the hope in their eyes is
so full that it makes me want to cry, and
one must save one’s tears for the last
couple standing. Tina should pretend the
flowers are for Bette, then they can go home
and make love. We’re a bit relieved Marci’s
not coming — that was another unnecessary
loose end for next week.
Back at the dance, Tasha and Alice are
hugging each other and swaying. Alice looks
sad. You know who else looks sad? Us. Why.
Alice. Come on. Her best friend already died
of Chaiken Cancer. OurChart died. She’s been
left by four women that we know of. She
won’t even be able to bury herself in
volunteer work, ’cause Jamie runs the
center, or write her treatment, ’cause Jenny
already did, or go to work, ’cause she got
fired, or hang out with her friends, ’cause
they’re moving to New York and Shane is
being a weirdo.
Alice: “I want you to know I’ve
never loved you more … and I want you to
be happy. Do you wanna be with Jamie?
Tasha: “I don’t — I don’t know
her … “
[The right answer is: "We enjoy playing
Alice: [interrupts] “It’s okay.”
Tasha: “… very well.”
“I’m not ready to let you go.”
[Good, 'cause Alice needs to auto-win
SOMETHING tonight. Hold on, baby, hold
Sunny Hoo-ha announces “we have our last
My heart hurts.
I hope The Farm doesn’t get
picked up. Alice in jail = major
Lesbian Sexy Moments: 1
this ep, 10 total
Lesbian Squabbles: 2 this ep, 27
of the Week: Tasha & Bette
scale of 1 to 10: Shoop shoop a-doobie
like Scoobie Doobie Doo - 7.5.
Muppet Face #2.
And once more for good measure?
LOVE IT. love
it, can’t get enough of it.