:: L A C T O
S E I N T O L E R A N T ::
#6.06 Recap Blog by
This is what I do: I recap. I keep score. I count the number of Lesbian Sex
Moments, Lesbian Foreplay Moments, Non-Lesbian Sex Moments and Lesbian
Squabbles. I give you your weekly Kittism and your weekly Jenny Moment
and your Quote of the Week. I give you Screencaps.
Episode 606 of The L Word, titled
"Lactose Intolerant," is the worst thing I've seen on television since
Episode 604 of The L Word. Howevs;
whereas 604 was calmly terrible -- bumbling softly along its
housework-heavy path of mediocrity -- 606 was outrageously, actively,
Watching this episode was like watching an elephant bleed from the eyes.
It was like watching a Pregnant Woolly Wally waddle awkwardly amongst
green-eyed villains and homosexuals at a candy-fetish themed baby
shower; making uncomfortable gynecological-themed conversation and
licking melted chocolate bars from the crotches of baby diapers. Oh
wait! That HAPPENED!
It's nuts, isn't it? This show's passionate following. Can you imagine
how intense our online show-related communities would be if this show
was actually GOOD? Though IFC is convinced we love to hate it, that's
not true -- we wouldn't still be watching if Seasons One and Six swapped
air dates. But 'cause Season One was good, we got sucked in, and now
we're stuck in this queer quicksand, waiting for something like Season
One to happen again.
If you missed it, I made you a five-minute podcast covering the The L
Word Episode 606 - all the story in 1/10th the time! I made it using
an L Word DVD, a tin can, a
MacBook Pro, a ball of rope, and a rubber band, and though I don't know
how to use Garage Band yet, I'm um, trying to learn.
I'm considering checking out this film
Barb Wire I just read about. Produced in 1996, this Pamela
Anderson vehicle was nominated for 6 "Razzie" Awards, including Worst
Screenplay. Guess who wrote it? C'mon. Just guess. Look it up. Anyhoooo
This week's viewing party was attended by
mememe, A;ex, Carlytron,
, Caitlin (not pictured) and Esmerelda Fitzmonster, Carly's new muppet.
Esmerelda is a lezzie muppet, even though Carly often accidentally calls
Esmerelda "him," like Jenny does to Max.
The first time I saw this show -- devouring all of Season One in about
three days -- was with the (not pictured) Krista, who also joined our
fine 606 viewing party. Back then, watching Season One in the winter of
our discontent, we had a lot of feelings about Shane. We sat very close
to the television. Now we sit far away and shield our eyes.
We open at Willy Wonka's world-famous
chocolate factory, where all the Oompa Loompas are making special
balloons and singing their special death march. Then! It's a bird! It's
a plane! It's Han Solo! It's DYLENA!
"Look! Dylan's wearing black and Helena's wearing white, that's
symbolic of good and evil. Everyone got it? Up to speed on the
symbolic associations? Black -- white --" Riese: "Omg, like the white is angelic and the black is
devilish!" Robin [not listening]: "Yeah, Ellen really
Lesbian Squabble #23:My Lollipop Scares All
The Girls From the Yard
In the Ring: Jenny vs. Helena vs. Dylan
Content: For some ungodly reason, Jenny spills the beans about
Dylan's "test," exclaiming that Dylan passed with "flying colors,"
which is exactly what I said, and
also it's the theme of this baby shower. For some ungodly other
reason [and you'd think Ilene, with her connections to G-d, could do
better], Dylan -- who oh-so-recently declared she'd returned to LA
specifically to woo Helena -- flips out. UM!! When you fuck up
someone's life that royally, you better believe you're gonna be
tested before you're let back in. That Jenny! What a RASCAL! Someone
should KILL HER!
Jenny tells Helena that she will fix this,
and then informs Dylan that "you must start a relationship with a clean
slate." For example: Helena. She began this season, and every season,
with a clean slate, upon which Ilene drew a brand new personality. Dylan
doesn't buy Jenny's little maxims for success, she's going to the bus
station. Or she's using the Jenny fight as an excuse to ditch this
party. Maybe it's Helena's secret cue to meet her in the car for sex.
As Dylan leaves, please note her limited range of muted facial
expressions. "Shock" looks a lot like "I'm gonna stick my claw up your
Hey Dylan, remember when you made a sexy video to extort your beloved
for bajillions of dollars and break her little heart? Isn't this the
pot calling the kettle sneaky?I want to Oompa Loompa Ilene Chaiken
in the eyeball.
Helena, before she runs
out the door, has one thing to say to Jenny --
You Say "Kill" I Say "Love."
Kill 'Em With Kindness. Kill 'Em With
Kittens. At this point, Jenny's about as over the death threats as we
are. "Oh! Helena wants to kill me! Another day in the life of Jennifer
Schecter, The Lollipop Guild Co-Founder and President." Henceforth Jenny
will require a more nuanced intimidation tactic
Who Wins? Jenny, because now
everyone loves her even more.
"But they all just like take it from Jenny. They just hold a grudge.
They never do
anything about it." Carly: "It's not like anyone actually KILLS her ... or do
All our pictures look a lot like this one.
FIRST! A postcard from Max.
Carly: "We're going to call
Max the Quicker Picker Upper from now on." Caitlin: "They made her be Willy Wonka?" Riese: "Him!"
I feel like you didn't get
my letter. Things keep getting worse, you know? That's not cool. But
I wanna clarify something though to address some questions I've gotten
on my new rogue OurChart 3.0 website:
I wasn't upset about this storyline 'til I learned it'd be an unwanted
and medically impossible pregnancy. Though crazy-ass unlikely things
happen on this show -- murder, for example -- they are possible
things. Our anger at the Dana-death comes from a similar, though not
identical, place; because her demise was almost impossible as well. If
my storyline was like Thomas Beatie's, that'd be a super-sweet story
that could explore our inter-community prejudices and beliefs. But my
pregnancy unplanned & unwanted & impossible, and an unwanted pregnancy
storyline is one that even the best teevee characters rarely emerge from
Usually, unwanted-pregnancy storylines have heavy-handed morals, e.g.,
use a condom! "No sex before marriage!" But 'cause my sitch is
impossible, that's not the case, leading me to believe that (much like
Dana) it's not the process you care about so much as it is The Result
(in my case, that means my boyfriend leaves me, my surgery is delayed,
my friends refuse to adopt my baby and I'm forced to attend humiliating
baby showers). In fact, you're ignoring the unwanted pregnancy issue --
A BIG ONE -- in favor of congratulating yourself for
Also Willy Wonka is not my favorite movie. My favorite movie is Barb
No Love, No Love At All,
The baby shower scene is the kind of scene
you don't want to be watching when an L Word virgin enters the room. How
do you explain this nonsense?
I'd rather watch
Hiro slay the great warrior in ancient Tunesiakawisawa or whatever
that nonsense was. Why's Max keeping the baby? He'd give it up for
adoption, obvs. Is there a secret Pro-Life agenda happening here, and
motherhood will transform his soul? In a good way?
The soundtrack here comes to us directly from what Satan plays in Hell.
Hell is not other people, Hell is other people singing "Three Blind
Mice" with backup vocals by Alvin & The Chipmunks.
Bette! The Pirates of Penzance called, they said never mind, KEEP IT.
"Are there words written on Bette's sleeves?" Riese: "It's the scripture." Carly: "It's like a scroll." Robin: "It's her trademark now." Riese: "It looks like Talbots threw up in there in 1993 and
let it ferment."
Alice says Jenny is manipulative and
evil, Bette agrees, Tina eventually comes around and also agrees.
When Helena leaves, Shane says: "That was so inappropriate." I think
she's talking about Tina's dress. Come on this isn't Andrea Zuckerman's
After about five minutes of searching
within a two-block radius of Casa Shenny, Helena has returned to declare
Dylan GONE! But wasn't Dylan's exit apathetic, and isn't this situation
complicated enough to warrant at least a conversation? Well, I guess
it's not about Dylan & Helena. It's about how all the characters can put
themselves in a situation to be abused by Jenny so that she can get
killed without too much crying.
The Writing is On the Wall, SO TO SPEAK.
If Jenny was my friend and she didn't even
apologize for the allegedly unintended results of her actions, I'd bust
that baby shower stat, even if said shower was celebrating the first
unicorn-to-human (UTH) pregnancy ever. Anyhow, Jenny does have the
chance to call Helena "Miss Crankypants," which is precious and makes me
But Have You Ever Seen a Baby Shower ... On WEED?
Shane & Jamie are gonna go do what any sane
person would do in this situation (this is foreshadowing) -- they're
sneaking off to the kitchen to get high. See, this is the sexy thing
about Shane -- it's how she moves her body. She curls & contracts &
expands & retracts elegantly into any given space, like the world moves
to fit her into it. Jamie's telling Shane that she's glad to hang out
with her cause Alice says Shane's weirdly awesome. I mean just
"awesome," I added that "weirdly" to see if you were paying attention.
Shane seems happy to hear that Alice still likes her.
Yeah if I Took Her Upstairs I could Get Her Off in Six Minutes
Before Jamie & Shane an undress and eat
peanut butter off each other's butts, Jenny sneaks in to tell Jamie that
it's her turn. If Jamie misses her big chance to identify a Snickers
bar, all hell will break loose.
Jenny: "No come on you were
flirting with her."
Shane: "Okay, well, maybe I was."
Yeah, well, so what if you were, I don't care."
Shane: "Really? I thought you were giving me a weird look over
Jenny: "Because I was just coming to tell you that it was your
Although Shane's slightly annoyed that
Jenny broke up her smokey party, she's also high now and therefore
better able to handle this convo. Shane quickly turns that frown upside
down when Jenny says she got Shane a present 'cause Jenny loves Shane.
I'm not really sure if even Kate knows what's going on anymore. All we
know about the present is that it's not a lobotomy. The calm before the
storm. The eagle plans her attack. I AM CAPTAIN PLANET!
I Can't Believe These Bitches Just Bought Max an $800 Stroller
But Won't Even Pay For Him to Get One Tit Chopped Off
The ladies begin to discuss, for no
apparent reason, various birthing methods. This engaging discussion
follows a brief infomercial for Bugaboos, starring Bette & Tina, who
just stole their costumes from the Scooby Doo ride at Universal Studios.
The episiotomy discussion prompts me to exclaim: "Raise your hand
if you want to talk about episiotomies!"
I'll give you a hint whose hand shot up -- she's a Muppet and she's got
a hole large enough to squeeze out a loaf of bread and a gallon of milk,
no C-section necessary. Esmerelda stops me from changing the channel to
something a little lighter, like my favorite show Intervention.
I Have No Words For This Particular Aspect of the Gift Exchange.
The enthusiasm radiating from these party-goers is contagious.
"What is going on, are we on drugs?" Caitlin: "What's HAPPENING?" Riese: "This ... is so ... terrible." Robin: "I can't believe this is happening." Esmerelda Fitzmonster: "WHY DO YOU GUYS HATE THIS SHOW?! IT'S
SO GOOD! THERE'S NO OTHER LESBIANS ON TEEVEE TO TELL MY STORIES!
THAT SHANE LOOKS LIKE A TOTAL PUPPET -- I MEAN!!! - MUPPET! I LOVE
THE L WORD!!" Cait: "Carly, is everything okay?" Carly: "What's the point of having a muppet if it can't speak
"Are there pig's feet in that jar?" Riese: "That is not my kind of party." Cait: "I feel so uncomfortable for everyone." Krista: "I feel like we're on acid!"
[Seriously if you close your eyes and pretend Alice is at someone
else's baby shower, the scene's way more fun]
Some golden moments I should mention: When
Max opens the onesie with a devil decal and Alice says: "it looks like
Jenny." When Max starts hyperventilating and Tina commands "Xanax. Get
him a Xanax, it's in our room." That one is prefect for many reasons,
most notably the fact that the lesbian power couple has Xanax on hand
(and that Alice offers some Lexapro she's got lying around).
After three days in Michigan my brother and I have been offered so much
Xanax by our Two Moms that we're plumb out of betas to block. Xanax is
the secret fuel of the lesbian lifestyle. This is the way that we
Or there's the drink.
Alice Getting Baby-Showered
"You being ALONE is better because you don't have to go through
all that bullshit you know. Of like figuring it all out with
someone else like, 'Let's circumcise or
no we can't circumcise!'
or you know; 'Let 'em stay up late!
I want 'em to go to bed,'
and it's like much better just you, you and the kid, huh?" Jamie [aside to Tasha]" "What is she doing?" Tasha: "Doin' what she always does. Just watch her, she's
on a roll."
Alice, Not Interrupted: "I can
only hope that this child will turn out to be a child who has values.
Who knows the real meaning of honesty, the real meaning of trust, and
real friendship, someone who will stand up to her girlfriend when they
know she's wrong --"
Alice, Not Interrupted, Continued:
"We can all only hope that this child will not grow up to be a thief,
someone who would steal people's ideas, and lives, and things like that,
so I pray Max for your child that they won't grow up to be malicious and
manipulative and fucked up."
That's an Oscar Worthy
Performance if I ever saw one, yeah?
Dos Dos Equis = Quatro Dos Equis
Helena "hear hears!" to Alice's little
monologue like a drunken Irish seaman, what the hell is happening.
Actually ... this scene seems better now that I'm writing about it than
it did while I was watching it.
If you know the history of TFS (This Fucking Show) it's almost
embarrassing to be witnessing this particular episode, like it's 1941
and we're being blithely amused by Jim Crow & his cronies jive-talkin'
about Dumbo the Flyin' Elephant. I love elephants. Where's Kit Porter?
Can I get a manipulative psychotic bisexual in the house? Oh --
By the 17:19
mark, we cannot take it any longer. Despite what the
buttons say, we do not in fact totes heart rock bottom. We pause. We
consider our options. Esmerelda is getting suicidal.
At this point we decide we cannot go on
without first getting high -- all of us, even those of us who never
smoke. You hear that Ilene? You've driven us to drugs. No pictures, we
can't afford to lose our sponsorship deal with Frosted Flakes.
Caitlin: "17 minutes and 19 seconds. Write that down." Riese: "We're still in the same scene! This scene is almost
the length of an entire sitcom!" Krista: "If this was a sitcom, we would've already had a
set-up, conflict and rising action and we'd be two minutes away from
the resolution." Carly [to Riese]: "We need to write a teevee
show." Riese: "I wanna write the aforementioned Crazy Jenny Show."
Chaiken Gives Out Barf Bags on Arrival Just In Case Your
Coincidentally, when we choose to pause the
DVD to get high, the frame we froze on features Max huffing glue out of
a paper bag. I saw a documentary about kids sniffing glue in the
Dominican Republic so basically I'm an expert.
Now that we're all oblivious to the pain, we turn the show back on. Max
begs TiBette to adopt his baby, and they say they can't, they've already
got this easy-peasy situation set up with a random trashy girl from the
other side of the homophobic tracks, Nevada, where gay adoption is
illegal. This makes me feel icky, like obvs they'd say yes if it was
Alice or something, don't you think? I dunno, I just -- this scene makes
Then some other stuff happens, including a full frontal of the Worst
Pregnancy Suit EVER. I think pregnancies work best when the actress or
actor is actually pregnant.
Anyhow, this is us on Splash Mountain:
"OH MY GOD" Alex: "AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!" Carly: "Make it Stop! Make it STOP!" Robin: "That one moment just canceled out all of the good
moments of hot girls ever on this show." Carly: "Oh my god LOOK LOOK LOOK LOOK!" Riese: "He's shaving his beard! Hallelujah, the light at the
end of the motherfuckin' tunnel! YAY!"
I've Got More For the World Than This Beard
We-Ho may seem glamorous, but it's a
One-Lawyer One-Therapist Town. Thusly, TiBette are at Joyce's, talking
about really interesting things. Joyce is obvs texting Ilene to let
Ilene know she needs to edit this episode a little more. JK, she's
texting Phyllis so that Phyllis can masturbate thinking about Joyce and
Bette in the room together. JK Joyce is telling Bettina how she bagged
the babe and how now they're gonna tie the knot.
Joyce: "Gavin Newsom the mayor of San Francisco, he's officiating
doing an amazing Jane Lynch Voice: "I was naked when I offered
and -- Bette, you were there --" [Alex & Caitlin, momentarily
unaware that it's Carly talking and not The Lynch, almost die
laughing. ALMOST] Riese: "It's a good thing that we're here to make this show
better." Carly: "Dialogue supplemented and enhanced by Carly."
Well then what do the Bunny Ranch girls do with THEIR babies?
When Bette & Tina mention Nevada, Joyce
rains all over their adopted baby parade by telling them homos can't
adopt there. But you can get a damn good buffet for $8.99 or less. Joyce
suggests they adopt as a single mother in Nevada and then add the other
mother once they get back to California. Bette presents a stunningly
hollow argument about how they cannot begin their baby's life with
untruthiness and Tina defers to Bette's better judgment, just like TOE
told Bette to do back in Season Two.
This'd be a good point for them to agree to adopt Max's baby instead.
But it'd be sillier for Marcie to come to California and give birth
right there on the Golden Gate Bridge, and Silly is the Name of the
Game. Gavin Newsom will be the midwife. You know. Gavin Newsom. The
mayor. Of San Francisco.
Jamie, You've Got Me Running, JAMMMIEEEE, You've Got Me Tired.
The sweaty threesome returns to the Alice
Palace after a hot Tasha training session to cutely joke with one
another about Alice's relative physical un-endurance and how hot Jamie
is. Jamie says she's gonna go home and take a shower and meet them at
"Why don't you just shower here?"
Alice: "Why don't you just
Esmerelda Fitzmonster: "SHOWER HERE!"
The 'shower here' deal is sealed when Tasha
offers clothes 'cause they're about the same size -- and then Tasha adds
the obligatory Next Line for Girls Sharing Clothes : "you're a little
bit smaller but --" Jamie's all "Nah!" Aw. The point is you can see
Jamie's boobs, and everyone is in a good mood.
Lesbian Sexy Moment #8: If You're
Gonna Get Off, You Might As Well Get Off With Me
The Players: Tasha
and Alice ... and, in spirit, the showering Jamie. The Pick-Up:Alice: "What
are you doing?"
Tasha: "Shh." Hot or Not? Very! Tasha, all charged up from their communal lust
for Jamie, basically sticks her hand down Alice's pants ... and she
likes it. I hope their third-wheel-crush don't mind it. Then, Alice &
Tasha's whispers climb over the couch, through the wall and across two
rooms all the way to the bathroom, where even with the shower water on,
Jamie can hear them having sexy time.
If These Walls Could Orgasm
Jamie cutely tip-toes down the hallway as
Tasha & Alice wrap up the sexy-time/whisper sweet nothings. Jamie
totally knows that she's a part of this sex scene somehow, but I have no
clue what (or who) Jamie wants, exactly.
Alice: "That was
Jamie: "Oh that was a really nice shower!"
Alice & Tasha dash to shower together,
leaving Jamie alone on the couch. We're worried she's about to
masturbate which would make us feel weird. But she doesn't. And so the
beat goes on.
Unfortunately, WoozieWhatzit, the Men Actually ARE Gay
Tina & Bette have apparently decided to
move Marcie in to their house [worst idea EVER - srsly, adopt foster
child! There are so many that need
homes!] and so they go home to check on the construction. Maybe
Marcie will hook up with Helena, Helena needs a girlfriend again and she
likes pregnant chicks. I'm sure Marcie is stoked, 'cause she loved the
photos of Bettina's home.
This woman, possibly named Weezy something but who I will henceforth
refer to as "The Beaver" because she looks beaverish, says annoying
things that all reference boning dudes. After the Beave leaves the
scene, Bette does a fabulous imitation of The Beave's laugh and the
girls share a hearty chuckle, I wish they could share a sex scene
"Look, it's a real dyke! She's got a chainsaw!" Carly: "Hey look at that lesbian! Is that the key grip
playing a cameo?" Riese: "They overwork that girl, she's always being tossed in
to represent." Carly: "Did she win one of those fan walk on contests? MY
NAME'S GWEN AND I'M HERE TO WASH YOUR VAGINA!" Robin: "She's like this happens to me allllll the time ..."
I think The Beave was in my middle school
class making crass jokes about churning butter and blowing glass at
Greenfield Village while the rest of us were trying to learn more about
the pioneers so we could kick ass on Oregon Trail and avoid cholera.
I Was Kinda ... Hoping ... for a Puppy?
Apparently after Cherie Jaffe's husband
ixnaye'd the Shane Salon, the space went unsold. Until this moment, this
very moment when Jenny leads Shane into her new photo studio -- Shane's
very own place to work. Hint hint -- Jenny's revving up to convert that
bedroom back into her Psycho HQ Office. Hey Jenny I know a great
carpenter -- she looks gay but apparently enjoys the hot beef injection,
so you don't have to worry about her stealin' your special lady.
Shane seems overwhelmed but more so she seems muted. Maybe she figures
"my life is already a living hell, it may as well be a living hell with
a photo studio." What's wrong with Shane being a hairdresser, Jenny?
Maybe Jenny's a snob who prefers M.F.A.s to Trade Certificates, but um,
that's silly, 'cause at least Shane is always employed, kinda.
"I don't deserve this," Shane says. Also, the only photos she ever took
were of Molly, and now Molly is gone. Just like Lassie! And the farm!
When Sal's burned down! Jenny thinks Shane does deserve it, 'cause she's
"talented." Or 'cause Molly's pretty. Anyone can take a good photo of a
sunset. Shane is no
Robin Roemer, that's for sure.
Natalie[has just walked in to the room]: "This is
intense." Carly: "If by "intense" you mean "terrible."
I Lay Awake And Miss You When You Go
Tina's leavin' on a jet-plane for New York
City for a movie thing and therefore won't be around for the Gallery
Opening. Tina feels bad about this, but Bette insists that she go to NYC
because it's important for her career. This means they've evolved from
Season One, when Bette blithely encouraged Tina to drop her career in
favor of motherhood/wifehood.
Howevs we know Tina's gonna be in trouble -- she's leaving Bette all
alone with closeted straight girl THE BEAVE, and we know what happens to
closeted straights on this show. They're only straight until they're
not. Also we know Bette has a construction tool fetish.
ZOMG RAT TAIL!
For reasons that defy everything I've ever
known about human beings, The Beave has mistaken Tina for Bette's
sister. The Beave is open minded w/r/t race, but very confused about
homosexuality? Can't wait for the Gallery Opening, which The Beave will
attend, 'cause she hears it's a great place to pick up dudes. Then she
leaves us in a storm cloud of UmEw, never to return again.
Robin: "Bette's going to fuck the carpenter!" Carly: "You know how she's into those building types."
"I'm sorry but I am really trying my best to read these terrible lines
and believe in my character,
and this little charade is not helping one bit. Please leave. You ARE
the weakest link."
This Would Be a Better Moment for the
"Leaving Los Angeles" Concept
I know what you're thinking. Only 20
minutes have passed since Helena chugged two Dos Equis in a row, like a
frat-boy on his underage girlfriend's prom night. Well, alcoholism is
like that. One minute you're a responsible drinker, and before you know
it, you're on a one-way road to a Ken Seely Intervention. Luckily, Kit
is here to express her concern, but when she leaves Helena to talk to
Sunset, Helena goes and starts a fight on the other side of the bar. How
could anyone hit a face like that.
Kit is generally willing to endorse anyone
as "belonging together." In this case, it's Dylan & Helena. As Kit
bemoans the Dylena breakup, Sunset finally realizes that Helena is not
Kit's girlfriend and furthermore she is informed by Kit that her "body,
it don't respond to its own kind." She feels his muscles, makes some
noises, and tells him, "this is what I'm talkin' about right here."
You know, I think Kit is a little queer. She's not necessarily gay or
bisexual, but she's just kinda queer. You know? She's flexible about
what gender means. Which is interesting/cool. Srsly.
Time to set up the big gallery show! James
is here! Bette & Kelly are gabbing about all the cool people that are
coming, and Kelly's ex texts to say he wants to buy something-something.
YES! Now we can afford THREE BABIES and a new POOL. Maybe even an "idea
well" out back with some tropical birds.
Bette borrowed her shoes from Nomi Malone.
Even JAMES! cannot outshine the glare of
terrible radiating from Jessie Spano. Every word she says is like
another hamster bite to the nipple. I understand that not every
character on every show needs to be cool -- we need antagonists, obvs --
but there are a LOT of irritating people on this show. If Kelly sat next
to me on the subway, I'd switch cars at the next stop. If Kelly was in
front of me in line at Pinkberry, I'd get Red Mango.
Tina calls Bette -- Tina loves NYC 'cause "no-one here cares about the
mystery of the stolen Lez Girls negative." Unlike in LA, where
it's all anyone can talk about. Kelly, clearly concerned that Bette is
speaking to another woman, demands Bette get off the phone for an
The "emergency"? With all these last minute RSVPS, they aren't gonna
have enough oysters! I'm worried that there won't be enough arsenic for
everyone who wants to die after seeing Kelly's face.
Lesbian Squabble #24: I'm One Third Passion and I'm Two Thirds Pride
In the Ring:
Bette vs. Kelly Content:
Bette: "Are you kidding me?" Kelly: "No, no, it's just we're expecting 250 people --" Bette: "You got me off the phone with Tina to talk to me
about oysters?" Kelly: "I don't know it's just -- the call -- it seemed like
it wasn't that important. It seemed like you she was -- checking up
on you --" Bette: "We don't do that to one another. We support each
other." Kelly: "Well, then what's up with tonight, I mean, I don't
think that's very supportive." Bette: "She would be here if she could, she has business in
This is our special message to Kelly.
Someone needs to print this Bettism onto a
bumper sticker for Haviland to put on her journal: "My partner's work is
just as important to me as mine is to her, and that's a good thing."
Kelly's surprised, 'cause Tina seemed like more of a "wife." Bette says
Tina's "not a wife." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean, and
think at this point, I may as well look for meaning in a bowl of
pudding. But the girls -- they're prettttty!
Who Wins? Bette, though you
wouldn't know it by the look in Kelly's eyes:
Those are eyes that cannot ever shed a tear, no matter how sad the
left side of her face is.
love Jamie & I love her apartment & cute little doggie, I wish she'd
been on this show from the start! In this scene, she changes her outfit
while Tasha and Alice survey the premises.
Tasha & Alice admire the decor and the
family photos -- many of their closest friends don't have families, let
alone family photos, so this is a Big Deal. Alice helps Jamie zip
up her dress. I can't figure out who digs who. Is Tasha getting testy at
the end? I feel more chemistry between Tasha & Jamie, but I'd be
surprised if TFS took that turn.
Bette & Kelly are talking nonsensically
like, "watermelon watermelon art art watermelon donor watermelon
showgirls watermelon" when Kit & Helena arrive. Kit's on crack, she'll
be taking Kit to a whole new level of Kitaliciousness tonight. You gotta
listen to her Kittism, its power is in the vocal inflections [it's in
that 606-in-5 minutes show up top.]
Kittism: [In response to "How are you?"] "I'm just greeeattt oh my
gooohd! This looks faaaaaabulous. Wentworth, Porter!!!"
This Business of Art Kelly is like the
Michael Scott of this team, except not funny and with less
forehead-moving possibilities. Bette's like,"Let's get down to
business," and Kelly's like, "Let's talk about bras and eyeballs and
fish food!" Kelly loves taking pictures with everyone, I think she
should be wearing sunglasses at night like Andy Warhol.
Obvs Kelly wants full-lengths so she can
turn 'em into somethin' a little like this:
Better Get the Shoes!
Kit's worried when Helena dashes for a
drink, but settles to shift her attention to digging a truly quite rad
painting. "Grrrl what are you DOING," Kit says silently to the painting,
as Sunset Boulevard -- out of drag -- comes to stand next to her. Kit
doesn't recognize him 'cause she is blinded by the light, revved up like
a deuce, another runner in the night. Also she's holding a glass of
This Bizness of Art
"Wow," Sunset says. "Those are two
beautiful art dealers." If I didn't already know that he's got the hots
for Kit Porter, I'd say his admiration is protegè-related and not about
fucking. Regardless Kit Bitter Party Of One says he's here to look at
art, not at women, and storms off in a huff. Someone needs to give Ilene
Chaiken the memo on that one. STAT. Let's get a winged messenger, I vote
for Hermes. Who's with me! Yay!
Who Wants to Be in My Will? Anyone? Anyone?
Jenny gives a fabulous hello to a passerby,
behavior which apparently Shane identifies as flirting and says it's not
fair for Jenny to give her shit but then flirt with every dirty old man
who walks by with his wife. Jenny flicks Shane, which is perfect and
exactly what I would do. "They do make a very beautiful couple," Jenny
says, admiring Kelly and Bette, "I mean they're not a couple but they
look like a couple. They're just both ... tall." That's pretty much the
most rational argument anyone's gonna get for any particular coupling on
this show ever. You know who else is "both tall"? Shane & Molly.
Want some SEAFOOD? See! FOOD!
don't know how you can eat those things." Shane: "You don't like them?" Jenny: "I don't like them because it reminds me of a guy
coming in your mouth. I'm just saying."
why would you try to do that to me?" Jenny: "I just wanted to say that that's why I don't like
them, you asked me why I don't like them so I said -- " Shane: "Well if that's the case then you can kiss me 'cause
you know what that tastes like."
Jamie, Alice and Tasha arrive and look blithely around the room. They
quickly realize they find one another way more attractive than the
pictures and the sculptures. Then Alice blesses us with a perfect line
that also describes this show sometimes. Alice is cute & I Love Her.
QUOTE OF THE WEEK -
Alice: "Wow, looks like a giant cat threw up,
huh? Whew. So, what do you think?"
Tasha: "I don't
get it." Alice: "Well, it's art.
Tasha gives Alice the look of death in
response to that zinger. It's probs about a "15" on an Amazing Scale
OH MY GOD LOOK WHO'S HERE IT'S NIKKI
STEVENS THE STAR OF THE STOLEN NEGATIVE MOVIE! It's Nikki Stevens, the
fabulous star of "One Night on the Pink Ride," a special DVD starring
Nikki & Jennifer Schecter.
This One's For You, The Smoking Cocktail
Nikki Stevens has arrived! Where's SamRo?
Never mind all that. Shane's giving Nikki the look-over. They've got
googly eyes for each other. Shane looks hot when she wants someone.
Nikki looks hot because she is hot. Kelly gets photos with Nikki and
Bette and generally Kelly acts like a publicity whore. Nikki approaches
Shane and says "Hey, Sexy Shane," and Shane says, "What's up Nick," in
her "Let's bone" voice. Shane, Shane, Shane. Shane. Ilene. Shane!
Ah. My Escape Route Has Arrived.
The coast is ... eh, never gonna be clear, let's go out the
front, no one'll see us or photograph us that way
Here we are in broad daylight and rather
than talk it out like a lady, Shane's just gonna ditch Jenny to go have
a meaningless fuck for no reason at all. I mean, she's not even drunk.
The sun's still out. Shane! SHANEEE!
This won't look good for the art gallery people. "Nikki Stevens came,
said she'd had enough of the art, jetted out with that girl from the
underwear ads. Yeah, the one that looks like a boy. Paltrow's cousin.
But did you see those two beautiful women? They're so ... tall."
This show used to have a great respect for contemporary visual art. It
even introduced us to many new artists. That respect has diminished
considerably from prior seasons, which sucks, 'cause I liked that too.
A Thirst for Love: The
Helena Peabody Story
Helena's double-fisting it at the bar and
Kit strides over for another shot at The Folksy Black Wisdom. Rather
than get sloshed in public, Helena's gonna go home and pop an ambien. I
hope they're trying to give Helena a one-ep drinking problem. Then it'd
be like Saved by the Bell and it
would make sense that Elizabeth Berkley is all up in our grill.
"It's like a lifetime movie." Krista: "It totally is a lifetime movie." Robin: "It's like 10 lifetime movies at once."
You Want a Lifetime Movie? We Got Your After-School Special Right Here.
You Better Wash Your Feet First Boy
Kit says love sucks. Sunset disagrees, and
furthermore has some dark whispers about wanting Kit's legs around his
neck in the morning. Kit throws water in his face -- awesome fight move.
In case you're blind like Kit, Sunset clarifies his identity by telling
a stranger he works with Kit but that she only sees him as "a
girlfriend." You know what I have an idea for how to fix that. Stop
wearing women's clothing. Just a thought. I feel like that gives you a
"just a girlfriendy" look.
Kit better be careful, if she tells him that she likes donkeys he's
gonna come back in a donkey outfit, and then Sancho will need a new
I Prefer Splash Mountain But Thanks
Three Pretty Girls Are Sitting on a Bench. Neat.
Jenny is lost and can't find Shane. Poor
puppy. Meanwhile, the Three Musketeers are crowd-watching, and Jamie
says Jenny seems damaged and she feels sorry for her. She adds that
Bette & Kelly look like the ultimate power couple "finishing each
other's sentences." I think Kelly just interrupts Bette a lot.
Why the FUCK Didn't We Have This Conversation Two Years Ago?
Then they get into a really compelling
discussion about their childhoods. I would've loved to have seen
this convo a few years ago. Now it feels more like Elizabeth Rohm's last
Law & Order episode when she gets fired and she's like, "Is it
'cause I'm a lesbian?" and you're like, oh, excellent, walk out the door
now, perfect, anyone want an abortion, if so we can arrange for a car to
hit you on the way out.
"Alice looks really bored." Carly: "Alice is as bored as we are." Robin: "This is so bad. Oh my God." Krista: "Seriously." Carly: "Alice is like -- oh poor Alice. what a horrible
Tasha's Dad was an asshole. He pulled macho
military shit. So did Jamie's Dad. Tasha's Dad didn't knock her around
but he did to her brothers. The only time he paid attention to Tasha was
when she got discharged and then he told her that she was a disgrace to
her country. Blergh, this is really interesting back-story, I wish we
had the time for it. Jamie tells Tasha that she's amazing. Alice looks
like she just saw a Klingon.
Alice says she's gotta thank Jamie, 'cause
Tasha's never opened up like that before. I guess it's 'cause your a
counselor, Alice says. Anything I can do to help, Jamie says. I think we
all know how we'd like Jamie to help.
Brian Kinneys Does it Take To Screw in a Lightbulb?
Apparently Nikki asked for a demonstration
of photo development, 'cause Shane's taking her to the darkroom for a
step-by-step. This type of scene only works when one person walks in on
another person working, not if you go to the workplace together and then
the artist pretends to be working on something for your educational
Like if someone came in here with me and was like,
hey turn on your computer and put on
the l word, i wanna see you recap. like do you LOL as you write, or do
you just laugh on the inside? To which I would answer: "Bring me
some ice cream." Actually it's quite the opposite. In the past, whenever
I've been involved with someone during recap season, they have done
nothing but complain while I recap.
Krista: "Of course. The darkroom sex scene." Riese: "You know in real life it's generally a little bit
darker than that." Robin: "Oh my G-d. This is killing me!!" Carly: "It's like High Art, Robin's favorite movie." Robin: "I HATE that movie." Carly: "Shane's the only person on earth who doesn't use
digital in real life." Riese: "It's just such a bad place to make out. There's
chemicals everywhere, usually there's no-place to sit or lean--"
I've Been Looking So Long at These Pictures of You
Nikki's so impressed by all these
complicated photo-making procedures. She doesn't even care that Shane's
printing a photo of Molly. Shane cracks that Nikki was born in 2001,
which is hot. Nikki calls Shane "grandpa," which is less hot, and also
foreshadowing for when Shane gets dementia from PTSD from Vietnam. Nikki
asks Shane when she took that photo of Molly. Shane doesn't even
remember. That was like last season. Everyone had a totally different
The music is softly sweetly singing something nicely as Nikki starts to
kiss Shane. It's kinda sexy ...
Lesbian Sexy Moment
#9: Crazy/Beautiful The Players: Shane and Nikki The Pick Up:
Shane: "What are you doing?"
Nikki: "You know what I'm doing."
Hot or Not? Really
But before it gets too hot, Shane gets sick. She starts hurling.
Shane's Cheating Intolerant now. Jenny
put a spell on Shane, that little witch. Shane's barfing on Molly's
photo, and Nikki's horrified & asking if Shane's contagious. Shane tells
Nikki to shut up. Wow. It's sort of an ugly moment, the moment when two
people who were just about to fuck admit that they don't actually care
about one another as people, or respect each other, at all. Nikki
dashes. Shane keeps vomiting. Shane should turn her vomit into a work of
Look I Babysat Her So Well She Barely Even Exists
Bette's paying the babysitter. They got a
black girl now. They're going to breed her with the other babysitter so
Angelica can see herself reflected in not only her two mommies, but also
in her babysitter. Babysitting sure is expensive these days. Then guess
who shows up, Kelly, who appears to have walked there in a mumu, 'cause
she's just so excited about the big night that she needs to continue to
celebrate. She sort of doesn't listen to Bette ever, and Bette is
clearly not happy about this surprise houseguest.
"This is horrifying." Krista: "She's so 90s! She embodies the 90s!" Robin: "Get her out of this show!"
I'll see you in rehab, Peabody.
That night you leaned over and threw up into your hair and I held
thinking I would offer you my pulse if I thought it would be useful
Jenny's been looking everywhere for Shane -
Truck Stop, Santa Monica -- she's ready to call the police. Jenny saw
five little boy hookers, got blow jobs from all of 'em and then realized
they were not Shane ... but then Shane calls back to tell Jenny she's
sick and Jenny rushes to her aid, and then, we see maybe what Shane
needs from Jenny -- Shane needs someone who will never leave, no matter
what. She thought Jenny was that kind of friend, and maybe she's hoping
Jenny will be that kind of girlfriend. She doesn't know that Jenny has
It's a lot like a box. But you'll never have to go at it alone again.
Jenny will love Shane 4evs and evs.
Then things take a turn
for the even worse, as we return to Casa Bettina and Spano's surprise
This scene made my eyes and ears bleed.
Kelly talks crazy. For a moment she engages Bette in an awkward dance, I
think it's called the Stomach Turn. Kelly spills her drink. Kelly cannot
speak normally for more than one second without breaking into a bizarre
animalistic high-pitched wail.
I Learned this Dance From AC Slater, Hot Mama
Kelly wants to cash in a rain check for
their special love-makin' from college. Kelly canceled her Bette
Loveathon 'cause of the rain? That's so lame. Blame it on the rain.
Kelly tries to kiss Bette, and Bette says no. "That expired 15 years
ago," Bette says brilliantly, and when Kelly keeps pushing, Bette adds:
"Read it closely." Kelly keeps going, she can't help herself, and I
can't help myself, I have to say it, I just have to, I'm sorry, but it's
just so fucking perfect, I can't stop it ...
just so excited, and she just can't hide it and Bette is SO SO
"Fuck me right in the ear. Just fuck me in the ear."
When Kelly keeps pushing
and then goes in for the make out, Bette goes for the takeout.
Wentworth knocks over the champagne. "Nice
work, Wentworth," Bette says. She doesn't mean it, she means "bad work.
"See you guys I told you that Bette would never cheat again. Also, she's
pretty smooth with Kelly. Shane & Bette win awards for acting stoically
in the faces of insanity this season, I guess.
On the Night I Die I Swear I'll Sleep Outside Your Window
Then, just across the barricades, Jenny
says goodnight to Shane. Shane thanks her and Jenny says she'll always
take care of Shane. Unless she dies or whatever. Jenny begins to tiptoe
back to somewhere (the kitchen for a Pop Tart probs) and what does she
Jenny sees something across the way and by
the look on her face I'm pretty sure she doesn't see what we see ... I
mean ... all I see is Bette cleaning up a broken glass from the floor
while Kelly sits on the table.
This scene is very "cheap sitcom noir," it reminds me of something
Screech and Zach might pull. TFS would never do that. I'm gonna give
Ilene the benefit of the doubt and assume that Jenny must see something
we don't see, e.g., dead people. Or um ...
Is it her imaginary friend Teen Angel played by Jason Priestly? You
know, that mini-show within The Mickey Mouse Club?
My imaginary friend Drop Dead Fred?
BeetleJuice! THAT DUDE IS FREAKY!!
Perhaps a Friendlier Ghost?
Oh! I know!
DANA! OBVS! I'd take a picture of that, wouldn't you?
guessing that this'll be what Jenny holds against Bette so somehow
from Jenny's angle apparently this looks like a very bizarre game of
muff diving, but only barely, and jeez how long does it take Bette to
clean up that glass. Maybe she IS eating Kelly out.
this is how we feel about that. Esmerelda Fitzmonster is in
agreement on this one:
"That's 57 minutes of my life I'm not getting back." Riese: "-- and when this thing goes up on YouTube I'm gonna
go on there and comment YOU JUST WASTED 57 MINS OF MY LIFE. WHERE'S
The Round-Up Lesbian Squabbles: 2 this ep, 24 total
Lesbian Sexy Moments: 2 this ep, 8 total Quote of the Week: Alice On a Scale of One to Ten: I have weird moments now where I
actually think it wasn't that bad. I'm losing my head skull. It was
really well directed, I think. Some good one-liners. Straws. That's what
I'm grasping for. Straws. Little lesbian straws.
Close your eyes and think about puppets -- I mean -- Muppets!
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