the Dairy-O! Welcome to the recap of Episode 605: "Litmus Test."
Yeah, we saw it. Yeah it was mad long, yeah I got one leg, yeah I
just went to Hit club and Nikki Stevens hit on me, I was like back
off bitch 'cause I can't go nowhere, 'cause I only got one leg, and
I'm pregnant, and my house has two stories bitches, well not yet but
it's gonna, yeah I killed Jenny, how you like me now, yeah? Have you
This Girl Called Automatic Win for
Best Personal Blog for
The Lezzies yet? Voting ends Wednesday night, and if I don't win
then I am pulling a J.D. Salinger on everyone.
Today's viewing party included Robin, mememe, A;ex and Carlytron,
otherwise known as LITMUS TEST, the hot new girl band straight
out of SAN DIMAS CALIFORNIA!
Caitlin and Natalie also participated but are not pictured.
Robinson wrote & directed this week's episode, so we knew that
although many things would happen, none of these things would be
terrible. I wonder if AR requests not to write any of the Max
episodes. Maybe Ilene just wants them all to herself.
start this episode out at The Planet for a change, where Tibette --
unable to function at home w/all the construction noise [yes, the
same noise that Jenny so ridiculously complained about -- not so
ridiculous now, huh?] and unable to ply the house-bangers with
free hugs & breakfast -- have moved their office & plentiful
stock of office supplies to a centrally located table. Alice and
Helena, confused about why they chose to sit at the Staples
Clearance Table to read silently, look on; annoyed.
My Table Looks Into Your Living Room, Apparently
Carly: "Someone's about to hate Jenny and want to kill her
... oh wow, they brought the entire office there."
Riese: "There was a sale at Office Max on highlighters
Carly: "Every color is represented."
Riese: "They have staplers there you guys in case anyone
wants to print out a longer document --"
Carly: "If anyone wants to collate anything just uh, take
the stapler ..."
Oh! Here he is!!
I told Bill that if they move my desk one more time ...
"Yes, 411? I'd like some information about what happened to this
Yeah, yeah, the last time it was good was maybe ... oh jeez, two
learns that Jenny has just sold her screenplay, which apparently
no-one knew she was writing, for half a million dollars. Never fear,
there's a lesson to be learned here:
"Goes to show ya -- she was depressed, someone stole her
movie right out from under her, and she just sat back down
and banged out another script, just cranked it out."
right about that. Everyone get that? It just goes to show ya' --
next time you move to LA to be with your swim coach boyfriend,
uncover lifelong lesbian longings via a literary-minded French
seductress, get caught by boyfriend, get married to boyfriend in
Vegas, road-trip back home on 'shrooms, discover your French lover's
Sugar Mama's back in town, break up with the boyf and the girlf,
move into your ex-husband's vacated home, get lady-lover Shane to
move in and consequently date her cast-off DJ Carmen though you've
got nothing in common, find out Carmen still wants Shane via an
accidental viewing of your other roommate's hidden camera videos,
have childhood sexual abuse flashbacks, take up stripping, take up
cutting, go to a mental institution for six months, go home to
Illinois, fight with parents, meet pre-transition FTM Moira and take
her back to LA, get yelled at a lot while Moira -- now Max -- freaks
out on testosterone, break up because you don't want to date a man,
write two novels, get one bad review, get revenge on bad reviewer by
psychologically manipulating her veterinarian girlfriend by killing
a dying dog, get caught, get a movie deal and consequently get
embroiled in conflicts about said movie deal, disappear on a raft
with your dog, come back rich with an assistant, hook up with your
film's Rising-Starlet and consequently get kicked off the film when
your duplicitous assistant leaks a sex tape to the production team
and your girlfriend doesn't go with you so you break up with her
only to find her fucking your best friend (who you're now in love
with) at the film's wrap party --
-- if that ever happens to you, ladies -- just sit back down and
bang out another script. Just CRANK THAT SHIT OUT. Let me graphic
that out for ya:
Hey That's My Life -- I Mean --
explains the plot -- surprise! -- it's Alice's plot. Look -- I gotta
hand it to Jenny -- stealing that concept and transforming it into
bidding-war-worthy screenplay within a week? Pretty awesome. Maybe
Alice could've done a little more writing and a little less Jamie-ing.
HOWEVS, if this were a real person and not Turbo-Psycho-Jenny, the
kind thing to do would've been to ask Alice, given her story credit
and granted her a slice of the payout for having the idea. She's not
legally required to, but ethically -- and as a friend -- that's what
she should o.
But um, I actually have a play on my computer that I wrote in 2005
called "You're So Good," and it's a crime story/comedy about a cop
who's dating an actress who gets embroiled in a crime plot relating
to her other job ... etc etc ... well, you know. Weird, right? Well,
I like to take my morning swim in the Idea Well.
Tina, apparently completely unaware that this idea is not simply
Alice's idea, but also Alice's LIFE, describes the movie as: "sort
of like Mr. and Mrs. Smith --- except that this is gonna be
huge!" Unlike Mr. and Mrs. Smith, that little indie film
no-one saw. Alice takes this pretty well. She could've threatened to
kill Jenny, but instead she just calmly finishes reading the paper,
drinks some tea, and paints everyone's toenails blue. Oh wait NM.
She says Jenny is "so fucking dead." Interesting.
Scream Bloody Murder
Riese: "Oh my G-d you guys! There's blood coming out of
Jenny's mouth in the opening credits! I just realized!"
Carly: "We should have seen this coming. All the signs
[Editor's Note: I now realize upon closer inspection that it's not
blood coming out of her mouth but a beaded red necklace which I can
only conclude is supposed to look a lot like blood.]
Lesbian Squabble #18: Repeat, Repeat The Words I Know You Totally
In the Ring: Jenny vs. Alice.
reminds Jenny that she described Alice's treatment as "boring" and "unsellable"
but has now apparently "sold" it. At the 4:42 mark, the word
"contrived" doesn't match up with Alice's lip movements -- probs
"contrived" was dubbed over "a lot like something Ilene Fucking
Chaiken would do." Jenny doesn't think Alice's "mish-mash of ideas"
counts as an idea, and if the screenplay Jenny's toiled over for
many months bears a "resemblance" to Alice's idea, it's a
Alice's reaction to
Ilene's latest "Let's make people hate Jenny" idea bears a
"resemblance" to ours, but that's probs just a coincidence. We all
drink from the same well of loathing and loneliness:
Bob is always all up in my screenshots at pivotal moments.
I guess as the director of photography he can do that.
OR MAYBE BOB ASCHMANN KILLED JENNY?
[I'm gonna take that
as the QUOTE OF THE WEEK, because it's so ironic!]
worse things you could get from drinking at the same fountain, like
scurvy or dysentery. Just saying.
Robin: "I just can't get over Jenny's hair, it's
Carly: "It's like three different lengths at once."
Alex: "I love it."
Apparently Shane -- who is no longer a friend of Alice's if Shane
continues to 'shack up' with this "conniving snake" -- purchased
this unflattering tank top in every color:
Shane is torn between Alice and
Jenny an I am torn between Shane being ubiquitously hot and
Shane wearing this strange shirt.
Who Wins? No-one! If I were Judge Judy, and sometimes I
think I am, I'd say Jenny should be taking Alice out to dinner.
They could talk about their similar interests in cops, talk
shows, and screenplays.
all done with her little field trip and has returned to The Planet,
where Tina & Bette have still not started eating those little cups
of fresh fruit sitting RIGHT ON THE TABLE that look delicious to me
'cause I'm poor and can't afford fresh fruit.
it's time to open up the "Big Book of Lesbian Lingo Ilene Wants to
Invent." Surprisingly enough "third wheel crush" ranks with "nipple
confidence" as something I'll probably never say again. [Sidenote:
we decided -- after hearing it said -- that we'd make "Really
Papi? Really?" into a popular element of the lesbian lexicon? In
fact, it's now so ubiquitous that I bet most of y'all are getting
all Alicey on me, thinking "no way, you egotistical maniac, you are
NOT the one who spun that IFC straw into gold, it is NOT because of
you. You did not do that it was NOT your idea." Also. Kittisms?
Holler. But it was me I totes promise, research it. For fun.
What am I TALKING ABOUT? I'm just saying that the terms that stick
are never the ones she WANTS to stick.]
Alex: "I would like to point out Bette's nice shirt. Do more
like that one."
Carly: "I would like to point out Alice's disturbing --
Riese: "That thing looks like a potholder I made at the
Alice oh-so-adorably denies that she and Tasha are feeling anything
deeper than 'friend love" for Jamie (who's "AWESOME"), Bette & Tina
press on, probs speaking from experience after
Tina fell for
Candace Bette fell for Henry Tina
fell for Jodi okay I don't know where they got this idea
from. OH! The Idea Well.
So THAT'S why Dan Foxworthy Kept Making That Hand Gesture!
Bette & Tina have experienced this themselves with Sallie [Mae probs]
and "Go-Go Lisa," who they met at the Little Bratz Convention.
Apparently this syndrome strikes bored & fighting couples in need of
[vaginal] rejuvenation and is ruined when one person falls in love.
On second thought I've been in these situations before in my
twilight youthful days, always boy-girl-girl though, not
Bette advises: "You better check yourself before you wreck yourself"
just in time for Kit to plop down. I think Bette just did the
Girl, You BEST BE Checkin' YOURSELF.
Robin: "Kit just sat down so she's trying to adapt to her
Carly: "Kit was all upset -- "'That was my line, you just
spoke my line.'"
the Judging Party is done critiquing Alice, they move onto Helena
and her impending dinner with Dylan. Much like us, they're probs
concerned that Helena & Dylan will have nothing to talk about 'cause
Dylan has no personality and Helena's personality has changed
completely since the affair.
Helena says that ever since she's learned that Dylan thinks Helena
is the love of her life, Dylan has colonized her brain. It's not
what you're like, it's what you like, a wise person once wrote,
and when "what you like" is "memememememe!!!!" -- well, that's the
best interest of all, isn't it? There's nothing more attractive than
the look on someone's face when they think you're the best thing
this is what we're dealing with:
Option A: 100% Certainty of Broken-Heart Forever Pain
Option B: 50% chance of heart transplant, 50% chance
of additional broken-heart-forever pain, 100% chance of hot
"You guys, what if we thought of a test that would prove
once and for all that Dylan was a sleazy, gold digging
opportunist, or is she this misunderstood reformed filmmaker
who just happened to get wrapped up with the wrong guy who
made her steal all that money?"
Carly: "... And now we are setting up for the montage."
Riese: "I want like, a girl with a notebook like Harriet
the Spy --"
Carly: " ..and then all their heads pop up out of the
Riese: "What's going on the camera is being weird."
Natalie: "I'm dizzy."
GIRLS, LISTEN UP! They're gonna find out if Dylan is just a
money-grubbing asshole [C'mon, give Helena a little credit, girls!]
by putting Nikki on her, promising great opportunities for career
success. Anyhow if some smokin' hot girl got all up into my grill
offering me a head-writer position for The L Word and all I
had to do was flirt back and I was really into Helena but we weren't
back together yet -- you'd basically have to be a Zen Master to turn
that shit down. But you know. The Recession.
Someone told me this headband would keep my personality
you just really wanna know who you're dealing with?" Tina says.
"Once and for all?" Eh, given the choice between mastering the art
of French Cooking and finding out more about Stonehenge Moreland ...
yah! Let's do this thing! It has to be tonight!! Cue Team Plotting
Go Team Montage!
voiceovers the plan from here on out, obvs practicing for the
cartoon voiceover career Jenny suggested.
Gonna Be a Formal Dress Down Hey-Day
pays Nikki a visit
at her new job in Colonial Williamsburg
on the set of Felicity: An American Girl Story to rope her
into the plan. Nikki wants to know what's in it for her. Will she
get her old personality back? A magical mystery tour of Shane's
tonsils? Unlimited Tanning at Beach Bum for the rest of the summer?
Nah. Just the knowledge she's "helping a friend." Have Helena &
Nikki ever spoken? Nikki can think of more fun ways to help Shane.
That's the old Shane, Nikki. She already threw out the t-shirt she
was wearing that night, you guys are so Over you need a new word for
Over. She's with the Princess of Darkness now. Over Jenny's Dead
Body you'll get Shane -- OMG!
Jenny at her bestest -- imitating Nikki's manager with
trademark psychotic charm: "Nikki Stevens is hot hot hot she is
turbo hot she is so hot I'm getting hot flashes!" while Tina
oh-so-cutely coaches Jenny to tell Dylan about meeting at Hit, all
the money involved, and that Nikki "fuckin' loves" Dylan's
documentaries. I have a feeling Tina's little "Nikki is a
whippersnapper" dance is gonna make it onto a few Tibette.com
avatars this week.
But .. I mean ... I can barely even act, you know?
passes Stage One with flying colors. When money's brought up, she
deflects and after making the date with Nikki, she calls Helena to
make sure it's okay and verify that they're still on for dinner.
"Unless you get a better offer," Helena says, and then hangs up. Is
there a better offer than Helena's arms, torso, face, legs, feet,
hands and from time to time her brain? Not really. So I think dinner
is a Go.
lying in bed with her ... planner? Probs counting down all the shit
she's gotta do before she dies next week.
Napping with the Enemy
interrupts Jenny's Too Much To Do List party and Jenny's glad to see
her. Shane slides right on top of Jenny and between her legs. They
kiss, they're cute, Jenny's legs go up, Shane's hips press in ...
and a few minutes of small talk reveal that Shane has SEEN NIKKI!
Shane then dashes immediately to the bathroom to brush her teeth, an
act she apparently prefers to do post-, rather than pre-, coitus/makeout.
Jenny follows her into the bathroom to um ... brush her bangs ...
you know, whatever she needs to do to make sense in that scene. Next
she'll just wash her hands ... floss ... cut her cuticles ...
Lesbian Squabble #19: I Think You're Mistaking Me For Problems
In the Ring: Shane vs. Jenny
Content: Jenny forbids Shane to see Nikki. "I'm with you,"
Shane insists, and furthermore she's not 12 (that's the default age
for immaturity) and will do what she wants. You can kinda hear
Jenny's voice break when she says that obviously Shane can do
whatever she wants [what she means like that is: "But I want you to
want to do what I want you to do"] "Oh Can I?" Shane asks, doubting.
YEAH! You CAN! Jenny says, hitting the notes over-the-top to stop
herself from doing what she clearly wants to do, which is curl up
into a tiny ball and cry.
Jenny: "That girl betrayed us in the most fundamental of
ways. She threatened to destroy the foundation of our
relationship that we have created over so many hears and I
hate her. I hate her so much for that. And ... out of
loyalty to me, you should hate her too."
Urm, I have a feeling that much like the writers and 75% of The L
Word's fan base ... Shane had no idea that she and Jenny had
been building a foundation for a relationship over the years.
[Personally I think there were many moments & plenty of promise &
suggestion, but that it didn't fully tip in Jenny's mind from
friends to lovers 'til last season.]
"But Shane, I'm trying to convince you to kill me."
points out that Nikki was "profoundly in love" with Jenny, and if
anyone is wrong here, it's Shane. Shane loves taking the blame,
she's got a Blame Fetish. Man, Dan Foxworthy could go to town on
this relationship. In his wet dreams.
Finally, Shane asks us the half-a-million dollar question: "What is
WRONG with you?" (Unfortunately only one person can answer that
question, I.F.C.). Well, it makes Jenny "uncomfortable" and she
doesn't think she's being unreasonable to think Nikki's trying to
seduce Shane. I guess it's always easier to blame the one you're not
still hoping to sleep with. Jenny does the RedRum voice to say Shane
needs to make changes so this relationship will be different. Shane
thinks Jenny needs to back off.
when even the most devoted Jenny Fan is about to fucking throw in
the towel, Jenny does something magical. She emerges, cups her hands
around her mouth and shouts: "OKAY! I WAS WRONG! I'm wrong! I'm
wrong and I need to learn how to trust you!"
... followed by,
when Shane returns, a behind-the-door peek: "Shane? Hi." See guys,
she's just insecure. Shane also says that "I have to trust you" is
all she wanted to hear. Shane's often kinda casual about being in a
relationship she's not totally into. Like she's willing to stay in
it and be unhappy. I guess 'cause if she wants to cheat, she's gonna.
Unfortunately, although two young women stand here before you
tonight, one will be eliminated. She will have to pack her bags
immediately and leave Vancouver. Episode 609: Leaving Vancouver.
They should make a movie about Van Couver vs. Van Wilder vs. Mini
Van. That would be a good show.
"'Kelly's Having a One Wa-ay Cru-ushhhh!"
scene is anything besides a 20/20 Investigative Report with Diane
Sawyer about the dangers of Botox injections, then I will feel
Oh. It's still The L Word. Sometimes it's hard to keep track.
Zomg, I cannot stand to hear Kelly speak!! This is one of the
hardest things I've ever had to do for The L Word. Close
second to the oft-mentioned Hike on Dana Mountain and Angus fucking
"Bette, you never told me your partner was such a firecracker!" the
male artist says. Kelly says something about Bette being the one
that got away. Okay I have to watch this on mute. Oh good, it looks
like Kelly annoys Bette too, Bette's telling her new partner to take
it down a notch. If only Bette had been in the room for the forehead
procedure, then she could've given that same advice and saved us all
the treachery. Seriously I'd rather be deaf than be this Un-Blind.
Everything they are saying is making me itchy. It's so forced. I
mean this whole scene, this woman, it's just stupid. You know, it's
possible to write a show that contains less than 64 plot lines per
episode. Sometimes people can just be quiet, or .... naked!!! La la
I'm taking screenshots of Kelly's eyes! They're freaking me out! I
think she's the Poltergeist:
I eat babies for breakfast.
I don't care whose baby it is, I told you I will eat that baby
for. fucking. breakfast.
she's saying omg, Bette's so hot, she can do anything, anything you
can do she can do better, she can do anything better than you. I can
pick this up on mute, I have superpowers. Hm. Spano is being an
idiot, obvs. The theme of the evening is NO BORES.
Riese: "That is NOT a theme. That is NOT cowboy night."
Carly: "That does not count, we need a theme like
Pirates, or Gay Pride."
missed her big opportunity with Bette and now Bette's with the
"lovely Tina Kennard." Everything about this conversation is hurting
the very threads that hold my soul together. Bette is Kelly's "one
that got away." Kelly actually asks Tina if it bothers her that she
flirts shamelessly with her girlfriend. Tina totally trashes her. If
I wasn't morally opposed to this storyline, Tina's lines would be a
strong contender for Quote of the Week -- the thing about "if it
makes you fee sexy to flirt with your Co-Ed crush" or whatevs.
Tina's annoyed, just like us:
This might be the
part where she says that Bette knows if she ever cheated on her, it
would be THE END. Because if she did that, everyone on Tibette.com
would die, and all the crying emoticons would flood the world, and
it'd be like Noah's Ark, but with lesbians.
Spano looks like
she's going to marinate Tina in barbeque sauce and feed her to her
fried chicken babies before she eats them:
Just Wait 'Til the Dance Contest, Beeotch. Me & AC WILL SMOKE YOU ON
THE DANCE FLOOR.
Did someone say AC
guys! I can read lips like Jodi! Spano says she's wet for Bette,
Tina says Spano leave us alone go to the backroom at Hit, Spano says
"I suckle pickled goldfish in my car!" and then, lighting flashes!
The room sets on fire! From the back wings, Carmen emerges with her
bodyguard, played by Marcus Allenwood, Sperm Donator Extraordinaire.
Who's that? It's Jodi! She can hear! She hears the music and starts
dancing, even though she CAN'T HEAR THE MUSIC. Max's baby is born
and it is a real unicorn, and Dana comes back, marries Alice, and
they have babies who play with Angelica, they become really good
singers, form a girl-band and make millions, and then the sky
explodes! TA DAAAAA!!!!!!!!
That's it. See you next week!
Women on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown
kidding. I jest. Blergh. Aaron & William are at dinner and Tina
freaks out 'cause she wasn't invited. This used to happen to me all
the time in elementary school with birthday parties. It's just
'cause you're so smart everyone is intimidated by you, Tina, that's
what my Mom always told me. That's how people in Hollywood know that
they're fired, Tina says. OOO that's sneaky. She shouldn't have gone
to the restaurant, if she hadn't gone she wouldn't have gotten
Inconceivable, Party of Five.
point, often these people annoy me the same way that Scrubs
annoys me. Sometimes I just feel like ... there's no more art in it.
Rarely. It used to be ... honest. Now, it lies to itself sometimes,
and it doesn't care that we're there looking and we know it's lying.
However -- visually, this episode is dead-on.
Lesbian Squabble #20: News Broke Today So We're Not
In the Ring: Jenny vs. Alice, with Shane apparently
implicated by association.
Content: Alice is still mad at Jenny about the
screenplay, Shane is in trouble for not revolting against Emily
Jenny Moment: "Alice please, please just stop acting like a
child. I did not steal your idea, Alice was it your idea when
the terrorist has a nuclear weapon and blew up the building, was
it your idea when the hero of the romantic comedy has to rush to
the wedding to have to stop his beloved from getting married, oh
was Beverly Hills Cop your idea too?"
Alice should be like; "No it
wasn't, but Troop Beverly Hills TOTALLY WAS. Cuntface."
Alice says that even though Shane is buying into her act, she
isn't. She says to stay away before she fucking kills her.
And there ... ladies and gentemen ... we have EXHIBIT A.
Audiotape from the Big Brother Studio, Alice is decaring intent
But now it's time for the spy mission. Dylan has arrived. This
won't be like the last time Helena watched a secret Dylan video.
We've gone from Where's my Willy ...
... to Where's Waldo?
[I'd like to turn this into a graphic like "The Mentalist," but
I only have so much time.]
reports for duty, exchanges a cute smile with Shane because she
psychically knows where the cameras are, thus is the depth of their
connection, Jenny is peeved that Nikki has Shane's number and Shane
is like whatevs. Oh, relationships! The lovely dynamic between the
Controlling Girl Who Will Never Leave You and the I'm Gonna Do What
I Want Anyway Girl Who Will Leave in a Minute = eternal fighting.
Shane's pretty good at handling Jenny. It'd be even sweeter if Shane
was handling this Undercover Mission like she did with Lara in
Season One. That moment changed my life. Seriously. It did. When she
talked about the berries? zomg.
Anyhow, no more Shane. Now we have lovely li-lo lipstick lesbian
with her goldilocks. She's off to discover The Truth About Dylan. I
hope it's more exciting than what we know already.
"You're gonna have to come here and FIGHT me!"
I love the way this shot is set up. Visually.
franky so surprised that Nicky's here to talk to her and resists her
icebreaker topic of a beautiful woman she once made out with on this
very couch. She's probs talking about Aiden from South of Nowhere.
Sam Shady's Jazz Lounge, Bette & Tina are wearing stunning outfits
and yelling at Aaron, who's now evolved from being your
standard-issue douche bag into being your standard-issue
Chaikenbaked Homophobe. Bette is gonna do what needs to be done.
That's right! She's going to show us her boobs! I mean, her balls!
"Bette! "It's Bette, right?"
Bette: "It's Aaron, right? The bald impotent worm
we've all been talking about? It is fucking stupifying
to me how you can sit here with Martine, Susan -- Tina's
Tina: [appropriately employing the jaw clench for
the first time ever] "What are you doing?"
"I do not need you to defend me. I'm perfectly capable of
speaking for myself."
Bette: "I know. I'm sorry."
Aaron: [from his little perch on hell hill] "I
am so happy to be done with dykes."
Tina: "What did you say?"
Aaron: "I said I am so happy. To be done. With
Oh not so fast, Aaron
"You stupid fucking cocksucker. How dare you sit there with
that smug little smile on your face and wine and dine with
my writers on a project that it took me three years to put
together. As if you had anything -- anything! to do with it.
He said you
[looks at writers] were talentless hacks and I begged
him -- I begged him! -- to hire you. I have put everything
into this film, I put my heart and my soul and my talent
into making you both look good time and time again and how
do you repay me? By stealing my contacts, and icing me."
keep your voice down."
"Shut your PIEHOLE Aaron, I have never in all my life worked
for such a idiotic mindless cruel pathetic loser of a human
being such as you.
You are soulless. and
you are everything about fucking Hollywood that I hate."
You've never worked with any other idiotic mindless cruel pathetic
losers of human beings without souls? Like, who are you working for
right now? Yes. Goddess Chaiken.]
Carly: "Who is that? Why Tina she talking like that?"
Riese: "That's Bette. Everyone's scripts got mixed up
this episode and Tina started reading Bette's lines."
Tina accuses William of stealing the negative -- Tina loses a point
for using a Jenny theory against a powerful man. Before their grand
exit, Bette gives them the send-off glance of success:
recap -- just to show him how low-drama dykes are, Bette has yelled
at him during dinner, was interrupted by Tina who had feelings about
expressing her own feelings and wanted to do it herself and then she
did, and then Bette knocked back a head toss of glory and well,
dykes, they sure can yell and they sure look pretty in those
Do Bette's conflict management methods work for anyone besides us? I
mean, we love a good Bette-on-fire, but um ... she keeps getting
fired. For someone so brill and on top of her shit, she sure does
butt heads with upper-management quite frequently.
The Stakeout, Dylan's still holding up, even when Nikki starts
talking nonsense about Atonement and how bad this girl looked
in a Cold Dry Place or something, I don't remember, probs it's what
Dylan has nicknamed her vadge.
Dylan: "She let herself look awful because that's what
the character required. I mean she was real and compelling
Nikki: "Oh my God you are so right, I mean that's
brilliant. If you think about it, if you wanna win an Oscar,
you have to either play ugly, retarded or a lesbian -- and
I've already played a lesbian. SO!"
Alice: "I've totally said that before."
Shane: "It's true."
[so cute! Alice & Shane's interactions here are all very
admiring Nikki's moves like Michael Jordan observing a young Allen
Iverson. Shane says Nikki's about to go in for it. How does she
know? "Rope-a-Dope"! You know, like how Nikki just hung back and let
Dylan punch her until she got exhausted, and now she's gonna
retaliate and fly like a butterfly sting like a bee! I'm actually
not sure how Rope-a-Dope applies to this situation, Nikki's primary
technique appears to be "being sexy."
You Know Ellen Once Made Me a Similar Offer ...
to always be attracted to older women," says Nikki. Me too! We have
so much in common. Jenny exclaims: "Awwh -- fuck you, fuck you, fuck
you!" Alas, Dylan rebuffs her -- it's "unethical" for an actor and a
director to get involved. Alice to Jenny: "bet you didn't get that
memo, huh?" Jenny to Alice: "Fuck off!
Dylan is IN THE CLEAR! The girls clap, and Helena is absolutely
petrified. This means she has to creak open the little latch to her
heart, and let someone in. And that "someone" has very, very strange
We have mixed feelings about this.
When I Say You Sucked my Brain Out, The English Translation
I Am In Love With You And It Is No Fun.
damsel heads to the dancefloor to ask Dylan if they'd like to go
somewhere quiet to talk. Like between Dylan's thighs, if she presses
them together, Helena's ears will get smushed and it'll be so so
quieter. Dylan says she came back to LA 'cause she's madly in love
with Helena. That's crazy talk. I don't even know what to do with
wearing that Free City tank top she wore yesterday. Well, hell, if I
spent $130 dollars on a tank top, I guess I'd wear it every day too.
I like it when Leisha dances. Tasha's really cute about not being a
great dancer. Yay! Let's dance! I love pretty girls! Go Go Gadget
The laughter! The smiling! The smooth radiant sexiness!
She won't be left dancing alone to songs from the past. Or will
That's $.10 a
TEXT JENNY. I Don't HAVE THAT KIND OF MONEY. I Never Go to WORK!
looking very Emily the Strange watching all the happy girls dance
and is also totally open about her complete psychosis when Shane
snatches her phone back. What were you doing, reading my texts? she
asks. Yes, Jenny responds. Nikki has your digits now, woman, so who
knows what she could be saying. She could be updating you about
Tiffy like every five seconds.
I'm pretty sure Shane's number is printed under LOOKNG FOR A GOOD
TIME? CALL --- in a few stalls of a few girl bars in a few areas of
West Hollywood, it's not exactly private property.
Shane tells Alice that Jenny is driving her crazy and she wants
Alice to keep Jenny busy so she can go outside and smoke. Jenny has
a little panic attack that there won't be anyone nearby who she can
bestow the crazy upon without getting scolded/called out. "Five
minutes Jen. Five," Shane says, looking like if a bus offered to
take her to Tarrytown in five minutes, she'd probs get on it and
never come back, just like my first wife.
Helena Attempts to Summon the Spirits of Her Pre-Retconned Self
Dylan & Helena have such a passionate affair again? If there was any
doubt about Dylan's lesbionic tendencies they have now been
confirmed because as soon as Dylena descend upon Dylan's freshly-IKEA'D
palace, she suggests they just talk about their feelings.
And When I Get Out for Good Behavior ...
Helena's gonna do
that thing that she so often does where instead of developing a
personality, she simmers in pensive silence, dismisses the
superficial content of your backstory-related conversation and
consequently lays one on the smacker. How mean when Dyan's trying to
tell you all about her feeeelings! About rubber monkeys! Don't you
want to KNOW HER or do you just want her for HER BODY? I think I
like them both better when they're power-hungry, conflicted and
Helena: "I don't really know
what I'm doing here."
Riese: "Me nether, because we didn't see the car ride
Caitlin: "--or how you got there!"
Carly: "We do not know the logisitics."
This is the part that happens right before they start nibbling
at each other like goldfish.
"Helena's like ABORT ABORT!"
Carly: "They're gonna do it!"
Riese: "I hope so. 'Cause this is boring."
Carly: "We tried following the plot --"
Riese: "-- but there wasn't one!"
Alex: "Where'd that light come from? What happened?"
Carly: "Are we shooting through a gauzy curtain again?
Natalie: "It's like search lights from a helicopter."
Robin: "There's the bus soundtrack
Cait: "Oh! There's the motorcycle noise."
Carly: "Oh my God OHMYGOD I just figured out what's
happening! There's gonna be an arrest 'cause the cops were
looking for Helena and they finally figured out where she is and
they're gonna come get her!"
Riese: "The search for the stolen booty is OVER!"
& Helena make out, we are treated to a full soundtrack of urban and
jungle noises. Helicopters, motorcycles, traffic, police sirens.
Children dying, waterfalls, monkeys chirping in the sage brush,
buildings exploding, Jenny falling in the pool ...
Riese: "Maybe it's just our copy and in the final airing
it'll have the new song by EZ Girl, "Dylan and Helena fucking."
Carly: "The Dyaln and Helena having sex after not seeing
each other for a long time --"
Caitlin: "-- on the couch Re-Mix."
You've Come A Long Way, Baby.
in the alley, Shane runs into rising star Nikki Stevens, looking
lovely in the moonlight. They share a cig, and Shane thanks her for
her work with Dylan. Nikki says it was "fun" and Shane responds
wistfully, "I can imagine." It reminds me of her reaction to the
Papi Showdown of '07 -- Oh My Pimptaculous Youth/I'm a Big Girl
Now/Damn I Wish I Was Everyone's Lover. It would've been funny to
see Shane try and seduce Dylan. Hopefully she'd start out by
offering her a haircut.
When Nikki says she thought Shane's AM set-visit meant she was
interested in finishing what she started at Yamishiro, Shane
apologizes for accidentally leading her on and adds that, "if Jenny
wasn't in the picture, maybe things would be different." How did
Nikki not already know Shane & Jenny were together? She's on
Facebook. Just saying.
"Hey if it uh doesn't work out between the two of you -- you
know where to find me."
Nikki's just gonna
stay right there and wait, with her glowy perfect skin and
Little Girl-on-Girl Lost
Robin: "Are girls really this hung up on Shane?"
Riese: "It's the nipple confidence."
when is she legitimately interested in Shane for more than a fuck?
Since when is Shane interested in Nikki? Hasn't she slept with
enough pretty girls already? I imagine Nikki's heart is breaking in
all kinds of directions. I think she wanted to be a better person --
a smarter person, a deeper person -- but instead her affair with
Jenny became quite Sisyphean. Nikki always wanted more, I think.
Like from life or whatever.
think Jenny is so socially undeveloped that she honestly thinks it's
okay for friends to treat each other like assholes in business and
still be friends. Um, except for when it's time to storm off the set
of Lez Girls, then you must be with her!
Lesbian Squabble #21: You Were So Hard on Me, You're so
Tragedy, and You Were Hard on Me, You Might Be Dead
In the Ring: Jenny vs. "The Three Musketeers" (Tasha, Jamie,
Content: Jamie & Tasha yell at Jenny 'cause Jenny stole their
chickens & pigs and sold them on the black market for gold. Jenny
says it's a chicken-eat-cow business and what can you do? How dare
she steal Alice's idea! Well, it's not an original idea says Jenny!
Oh! There's Shane! Let's get Shane embroiled in this little mess,
shall we? Pick a side Shane!
Who Wins: Jamie, for infusing the Battling Duo with the
energy and enthusiasm they need to dance all night long regardless
of who stole the cookie from the cookie jar.
Lesbian Squabble #22: You Plead With Me, Shout Scream, Tell Me
In the Ring: Jenny vs. Shane
Content: Let me tell you, NOTHING compares to a public fight
at a girl-bar!
How could you leave me there with them! Jenny exclaims. Were you
fucking Nikki Stevens? Shane says stop being paranoid! You're
putting me in a box! Fuck you! No, fuck you! Waaa! Blerrgggh!
Phooey! Asshole! RAAAAHHH! Shane doesn't want Jenny to do that thing
she does when she gets controlling and judgy! Christ! Fuck you! I
hate you! I love you! Fine! Don't put me in a box! Look at me in my
box! It makes me wanna act out! I'm like cereal or a present from
Santa! Jenny turns to go! Shane apologizes!
[Shane! You can't let Jenny be the victim! That's where she thrives!
See, if only she'd had therapy to deal with the situations in her
life where she truly was a victim and her pain was not acknowledged,
she wouldn't be seeking validation in inappropriate situations like
Shane: "We've been friends way before any of this shit
Jenny: "You're my best [only!] friend."
Shane: "And I gotta say if I had to choose today between this
relationship and our friendship, I'd have to choose the friendship."
[This is a HUGE surprise, seeing how much fun their relationship
has been so far.]
Jenny: "The only thing that's gonna get in the way of our
friendship is if something gets in the way of our romantic
Lesbian Sexy Moment #7: I Let Myself Finally Feel Taken, Like
I Was Yours
The Players: Dylan and Helena. Also I think there are dead
people nearby 'cause Helena looks like she sees them.
Hot or Not?: I ... don't ... know.
Dylan: "What's wrong?"
Helena: "I'm scared."
Dylan: "I know. Me too."
Riese: "This looks like it was directed by a man who was
like "just touch her lot right there, yeah, like a claw!, and
just rub her vadge real hard, yeah like your fingers are a
penis, uh-huh -- "
Alex: "Can we talk about how she's crying right now?"
Robin: "That is a dealbreaker."
God. Helena is a human being! Helena has a real personality! She's
crying and fucking and everything is too much. Oh she is so lovely
and so sad. She says she's scared. Dylan says she's scared too.
Well, um, not as scared as Helena probably is, but maybe she's
scared 'cause of Al Qeada.
Back at Hit, there
are slow silent glances and movements of the eyes and lips between
everyone ... the music is beautiful, and the girls and the lights ..
"It looks like a Garnier Fructis commercial."
Shane walks out,
looking numb/bored, like either she needs to run away all "fuck this
shit," or she is, indeed, a masochist.
Shane sees Nikki ...
But Nikki sees Jenny.
Jenny sees Nikki and sees that Nikki still loves Jenny
Shane sees ... I don't know. I don't know what Shane sees.
A Churro Cart?
The Ghost of Wax?
A Lost Kitten?
Dave Thomas from
Stay tuned for next
week's episode, in which all of these questions and more will not be
Lesbian Squabbles: 4 this episode, 22 total
Lesbian Sexy Moments: one this episode, 7 total
Quote of the Week: Jenny
On a Scale of One to Ten: 6
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