Remember last week when I said that I
wanted 603 to be the finale because it was so lovely and ended with
dancing? I bet you do, 'cause this was one of the worst L Word
episodes ever!! Possibly one of the worst episodes of any
television show ever, ranked somewhere between the
Homeboys in Outer Space pilot and
Taradise. About 15 minutes in, I literally started slamming
my head against the wall. Chelsey left to do work, Natalie left for
the gym. Carly & A;ex had their iPhones out, occasionally looking up
to moan. It went a lot like this:
Riese: "Oh my God they
This recap will ideally be funnier than
the show, but be prepared for a serious waterfall of Haterade. Look,
I wanna be positive whenever possible, but sometimes I have no
choice. I must speak the truth!!
Carly: "Oh my God L Word I'm going to kill the fucking L
A;ex: "What the F*CK?"
Firstly -- I'm not recapping any of Max's scenes because I find his
portrayal offensive and counterproductive to anyone seeking
increased media visibility for peoples of all genders and
sexualities. I go into this in depth here:
A Letter to Mama Chaiken from FTM Computer Search Champion Max
Sweeney. Also, his scenes made us all really upset and I can't
go through that again, I just can't.
start off with a list of actual activities performed in this
1. Sitting around and eating,
unknown time of day (seemingly endless series of meals/beverages
over the course of several hours, both Bette and Tina were
actively taking meetings, the lighting changed, guests in and
In conclusion, any of this week's
"scenes" (conversations) could've taken place at any of this week's
locations/activities. That's a BIG teleplay-writing no-no -- don't
miss the opportunity to enhance your story by making both dialogue
and setting pertinent to the plot. Up the stakes whenever you can.
2. One side of a boring telephone conversation making dinner
3. Cleaning out a closet of unwanted clothing. (twice)
4. Waiting in line for a taxi at the airport.
5. Chopping vegetables.
6. Choosing between Scrabble or Monopoly.
7. Washing dishes.
9. Standing around at work and talking.
10. Lying in bed, holding hands.
To anyone who's ever condemned lesbians to hell: tonight you have
won. Tonight we have been condemned to hell for nearly an entire
hour and it was all we could bear. We didn't even change our clothes
to pretend like we saw it on a different day than 603. 'Cause we
were too depressed to take pictures, except for the intro pic and
the one below, I've just recycled some old ones here and there.
was the night before Monday and all through the land
Lesbians gathered 'round teevees wearing trendy wristbands
They wanted to see Bette & Tina naked but instead got this
They would've seen more action during a bubble bath scene with Ernie
and Bert ...
Bette, Bette, Bette. Can't you just
wear a Free City t-shirt or something? Why must you constantly turn
cake-decorating concepts into shirts? I already read The Secret
Garden, I don't need a visual aid. You make your OWN scene,
girlfriend! Bette & Tina are going to Nevada to meet a potential
birth mother. They should adopt a foster child instead, there are
many in need of homes. I'm serious.
Angelica Made This Shirt For Me. She Also Made me a
Jenny just had an epiphany! This
happens to me a lot too, I'm like "You guys! I know who killed
Jenny!" But Jenny doesn't seem to know who killed Jenny, she knows
who stole the negative. She overheard William talking about burning
down his building for insurance reasons. That's really special/used.
That sounds like a lie, yet I still don't know if Jenny took it.
Hey, look how pretty Alice and Tasha are!
Well What Else Could We Be Forgetting? KEVIN!
Alice tells Tasha she's "doing so well"
at being social. That's condescending. If I were Tasha, I'd smack
Alice in the face. Nothing halts your effortless flow of friendly
conversation like a little bit of public congratulation. Alice
should just stick a medal on her or give her a certificate for the
Most Improved Socializer. Then Tasha would be like, I don't get
medals for socializing, I get medals for killing people. OBVS.
Good Job, Grasshopper.
Bette's meeting up with Kelly the
Bug-Eyed Monster from Showgirls, and when Kit sees Bette over
there shooting the shit with Kelly Wentworth, she's like what the
fuck that Wentworth-fucking motherfucker, she needs to back the fuck
off from my sister. Apparently Bette almost killed herself over
Kelly, which means Jenny and Bette have something in common,
attempted suicide. They should hook up. Why not, you know? I mean,
let's just tempt Bette 'till she caves.
Ohhhh I thought that was Kelly KAPOWSKI!
In Episode 606, Bette will come home to a house completely filled
with naked women. Like her top Celebrity Crush and all time favorite
sculptor will be there and everything. There'll be a moat and on the
other side Tina will be standing with Angelica, mis-reading a
thermometer and crying.
KITTISM: "My sister almost killed herself over that
"Hey! I Thought SHE WAS IN THE VORTEX!"
Then Dylan shows up! She's hoodwinked Tina into a meeting at The
Planet by claiming to be a filmmaker
with a different name. It's
like Office Hours in college, this is the clearing house/waiting
room for meetings.
"What is going on in here today?" Kit exclaims as Tina dashes to her
meeting. Oh, it's an Ilene Chaiken episode. That means everyone sits
around waiting for their turn to share exposition.
Personally, I'm waiting for Godot. Aren't we all.
Bette and Kelly are having a
Firstly, this convo isn't fair, 'cause
"Kelly" always looks so excited and enchanted by everything anyone
ever says 'cause she can't close her eyes or wrinkle her forehead
anymore. Luckily Bette's evening out the playing field by turning
Rite Aid's Easter-themed clearance rack candles into inspiration for
a collarbone sheath.
But they're not focused on what they're eating ...
No, not vagina, this show isn't like that
I'd rather be reading LOL Cats
and I don't even like cats, or rats.
If you take Kelly's statements out of context, they're really weird,
like this one: "It's amazing to me that you've had this passion, and
you just stay true to it. It's something that I've always dreamed of
being a part of." (That's what she said) Isn't that the point of
life? Bette must really be into this chick 'cause typically she'd
call a sister out for talking so much stupid.
Kelly's been in love with contemporary
art ever since Bette TA'ed her class, that's why she wants to start
a gallery. That's how I feel about reading but you don't see me
getting Mrs. Doman from Eberwhite Elementary School on speed-dial
and asking her to start a used Bookstore. Also I learned how to read
before I started school, so really I'd be calling myself, not Mrs.
Doman, also I suspect Mrs. Doman is dead, like Dana, Mr. Piddles and
Kelly's got a lot of money, Bette's got no job, Kelly owns a
gallery, OMG! I just had an epiphany! Bette should work for Kelly!
But Bette is too superfly for that nonsense, she'll be Kelly's
PARTNER or nothing. They just throw the word "partner" around here
like it's nothing. Remember "Buddy Checks"? Like in the pool at
summer camp? We should have those for life. You never know when
someone could fall in the pool and drown.
Here's my idea of how this writer's
Ilene: So what do we have on board for Bette & Tina this
season? What stories are they gonna tell?
Writer #1: Well, I feel like they've been through a lot
together, maybe this season should focus on the problems within
a long-term relationship, rather than the problems threatening a
relationship. Like Mad About You, but gay.
Ilene: So I want you to think about the
one person in
the world that could still force Bette to cheat after all
W #1: Well I think at this point Bette & Tina will be
faithful, you know, that's what we're saying. Let's get into
Ilene: A-ha! I know! The straight girl from college you
could never have comes back! With money, a job and an art
gallery! That'd do it.
W #1: But why?
[Ilene presses the red button, writer disappears into an
underground holding cell]
Dylan says "I'm not gonna lie to
you Tina," and Tina says, "too late you already did." I love
Look at this point, okey-doke. I mean
obvs we'll swallow anything. Who's the love of who's life? We're on
board. No one has conversations these days anyhow. Too busy with
murder mysteries and the Bedazzler. Dylan asks Tina for help getting
Helena back in her head but Tina won't. Holler.
'"Helena is the love of my life, and I'd give anything for
another chance to be with her."
The girls gathered 'round a table to share in food and drink
This scene's so long, we can watch them think ...
I am so confused about this day. Like
the light has changed, time is moving, no one seems to have anywhere
to go, there've been several meals served in different locations.
Helena wants the deets on Dylan and Tina is forced to divulge that
now Dylan's successfully running "Do Ask, Do Tell Productions." I
can't say it any better than Alice did: "Oh that's RICH, so she's a
gay filmmaker now?" Tasha rips up the business card.
The Planet-a-Thon Continues!
Let's hook Helena up with someone,
Alice says. Jenny suggests Jodi. Well, Jenny means well -- she wants
to incorporate another cast member, as we've only got four more
episodes left, surely it's too late to get a newbie involved. But
everyone knows that Bette's the only one evolved enough to handle
Jodi's specialness. Now everyone has to start thinking. Sometimes it
seems like Kate and Leisha are making fun of the script while acting
in it. They do a Scooby Doo-ish "hmm, let's think," followed by a
"GUESS WHO" chin stroke of thinking.
Carly: "That business card was made at the kiosk in the
Riese: "The graphics include a small flower and a cross."
I can hear the paint drying on
Bettina's new second floor addition that's ruining Jenny's hearing.
Before long Jenny will be just like Jodi and then they can date.
Unless Jenny dies or something. Well, I hope she didn't die 'cause
she couldn't scream for help. Jeez. Someone needs Free Hugs and
Breakfast I'm guessing.
Alice and Tasha have AN IDEA! - Jamie! She's rad! They went bowling.
She's the director of Youth & Family Services at the Gay And Lesbian
Center. They fight over who gets to call -- and at this moment, I'm
expecting them to cut away to the next scene. But instead we're
actually gonna watch both Tasha and Alice have phone convos that
involve repeating "we have a good feeling about this" over & over
until the thesaurus kills itself.
Carly: "It's one in the afternoon, they're drinking vodka?"
Natalie: "They've been there all day, as Chelsey so
acutely pointed out."
horses died to make this next scene? They're having a horse buffet!!
Horse cocktail, horse kebabs ...
Jenny just saw Oprah or some
other mid-afternoon teevee program and she learned a special fancy
word called "clutter cleaning" (as opposed to other kinds of
cleaning, which rarely address the clutter issue) -- "it's a good
thing when you're starting a new project or a new relationship!" So
then we watch Shane & Jenny try to clean out the closet as a way of
discussing all their past relationships. Jenny won't let go of
Marina (her "first love") or her art supplies, which she might use
some day. I hope not, remember her last art project? It involved her
naked torso and a black Sharpie.
This One Reminds me of Jail
Shane says, "I don't believe in changing people!" Write that down,
Jenny. WRITE THAT DOWN. Why are they fuddling around with all these
clothes when they could be removing each other's clothes and making
out? I dunno.
Watching people pack is intriguing. I
wonder if anyone's interested in mowing the lawn or grocery
shopping. I really would like to see some bricks get laid. I'd like
to see SOMEONE get laid.
Lesbian Squabble #17: I'm Not Unfaithful But I'll Stray
In the Ring: Bette vs. Tina
Content: Tina's not okay with Bette working with Kelly,
as a partner, and with not talking to Tina about it first. Good
call Tina. Bette has done a total personality retcon since last
episode, won't be "on probation her whole life" and now is being
haughty: "This is a business decision and if you don't believe
that than I suggest you come up with a better solution." I think
Bette has a good point because in reality,
a woman in Bette's situation would never cheat! She just
But Bette on this show -- who knows?
Who Wins? Bette, 'cause Tina apologized and took it back.
So that means Bette won, even though I think Tina has a point
and they should communicate better.
Also she's pretty:
I clean, you clean, we
all clean to lick ice cream
off each other's bodies, but not today, Ilene is mean ...
Take it! Take Whatever You Want! Take My Soul! Take the
Now it's onto Shane's closet!
This has potential to be cute, but is wrapped in terrible, like an
Oreo where the sandwich cookies are actually cardboard. It's like
episode 311 where the lovely flashbacks from Dana's past were
sandwiched by outtakes from the Hike on Witch Mountain. I'm glad
that Shane's standing up to Jenny, though she mostly seems impartial
-- I think that's why Shane gets along so well with domineering
women, she really is pretty chill to just go with the flow, whatever
the flow may be.
Shane won't get rid of the shirts that remind her of Carmen. Good,
that red shirt was hot, I remember it.
Back in the Days of Glory and Light ...
"That's the old Shane," Jenny says. "The one that couldn't honor
But Shane says, "I'm not throwing [Carmen] away."
Then they look at each other really cutely.
Did they take that gigantic motorcade
of luggage on the plane? I could live in that thing, it's bigger
than my apartment. Also Bette -- that shirt you're wearing? LOVE IT!
Do more like that! Also, Angie is sooooooo cute I could die. She has
to alert them to the Taxi, 'cause they're too busy talking about
Kelly. I wonder what they talked about on the plane. Sometimes I
feel like they only speak when we're watching.
This is the most action anyone gets this episode
Who wants a burrito? Come on
you're not full, it's still afternoon
Now Shane's gonna meet Alice for
another meal and along with the audience, Shane will witness Alice's
phone conversation. That's a total social no-no, ALICE! Put your
phone away! "Jamie's like weirdly perfect," Alice says. Really
Alice? I haven't heard you say that a million times.
If Shay could choke down those milkshakes, Shane can handle a
Let's eat, let's clean, let's talk on the phone,
let's stand around, do the dishes, and moan moan moan
Yeah It's Me, I'm Wearing a Bib, So What? I Got One Leg.
In order to demonstrate Jamie's honesty
and self-sacrifice, Alice divulges that they're gonna eat at home
instead of eating out, 'cause they're all broke and Jamie's not a
gold digger like Dylan. That's a leap! Really? Do we get medals for
not eating out now? Speaking of eating someone out! Let's get naked!
But before anyone can eat anyone or anything, the angel of darkness
descends ... Jenny's done writing and has decided to join the crew
for some rice and beans. Jenny's Personality Ret-Con is in FULL
EFFECT. Bring on the Clingy! Bring on the Manipulative!
Note to Max's Costume Designer: this is the only situation
in which plaid works.
Shane doesn't seem too upset, and even takes Jenny's "have you been
smoking" inquisition pretty lightly, this is interesting, and
confusing. Maybe this is supposed to be "ga ga in love" instead of
'being clingy.' Like how EZ Girl came with Ilene to this show. But
if any of my girlfriends did this to me, I feel like Haviland would
be raising an eyebrow of concern.
I Am Going to Make You an Offer You Cannot Refuse Because You
Have No Choice KAZAAM!
Here we are in a suburban cul-de-sac.
An attack dog barks outside to indicate that White Trash lies beyond
ye doors. "I'm really sorry if he scared you," Winnie says. She's so
Canada! I'm still waiting for her to apologize for this outfit. I'm
calling her Winnie 'cause she reminds me of Winnie from
The Wonder Years, but
slutty. I secretly love slutty girls, btw, bring it on.
Cutest. Family. EVER.
Now that I know her name is Marci, not
Winnie, I'll respect that. Marci's already got two kids and her
parents don't want her to keep the other, she can't afford it. They
don't even know she's still fucking the dude who got her preggo this
time. SKETCHY! Hello, I'd like to suggest Ortho Tri-Cyclen or Trojan
The Dog's Not the Father Guys Don't Worry!
Winnie's impressed that Tina just did a
movie with Nikki Stevens, Nikki Stevens is SO RAD! Did Bette just
say Beverly Hills Chihuahua? Marci's parents come in, they
are white trash from Central Casting, probs also they are Max's
parents. They are a little confused as to why such beautiful ladies
are sitting in their living room.
Tina's trying to give Bette the
"ixnay on the agy-ights-ray" look but it's not working.
Mom: "Are you guys still
together with the father?"
Bette: "No, he was just a donor, I adopted Angelica from
Mom: "But you're married?"
Bette: "You know it's funny, we'd always said we wouldn't
even consider getting married until there were full & complete
equal rights under the law, it should be a federal law, but in
some ways having said that we're getting closer to it you know
if and when this latest ballot measure is overturned, we would
probably think about it --"
Tina: "I think she's asking if you're married to a man?"
Bette & Tina are kicked to
the curb once Marci's Fam confirms that they are Lebanese. Poor
Winnie. I mean Marci. Luckily Angelica is still cute.
Now we're going to watch Alice and
Jamie cut vegetables and talk about work. Jamie was almost a police
officer, it's in her family, but she could only last a few weeks.
Alice gushes about how what Jamie does is really important, and
she's serving in her own way. That's sweet. Just wait 'til she tells
Tasha about the cop thing! Now Jamie is going to teach Alice a trick
for cutting vegetables, excellent. If you watch this on mute and
listen to Tegan & Sara's "Underwater" over it, it's much better.
Silly Elbow Crush Songs! La La La!
Jamie thinks Alice should work at the Center, but Alice doubts
herself -- she should! Alice could do much more with her life.
Anyhow if she won't take the job, I will. I need a job.
They make eyes at each other a lot.
Let's set up our new girlfriend
with Helena, she's so hot
Helena shows up just as Jamie's talking
about how much she loves Runyan Canyon. Coincidentally, Helena's
telling Alice how she hates it. This'll be like that scene in
When Harry Met Sally when they try to set up their friends with
each other and end up chatting just the two of 'em, except with
three instead of two. Alice made a nut-loaf, like meatloaf but with
nuts. Neat. Fascinating. It becomes increasingly clear that Tasha &
Alice love Jamie and Helena is the fourth wheel. Some may say that
four wheels make a car, I say everyone just have sex with everyone.
she changes her personality so much you'll never be sure what
a pregnant-woman fetish, a killer poker game, queen of the
she'll be whomever you want her to be, and she's totally got the
Chock Full O'Nuts!
Rarely does Tasha light up like this ... Jamie brings out the best
in both of them. Tasha is so pretty. Alice is so pretty. Jamie is so
pretty. So so pretty. Everyone is so pretty.
Now they're gonna look at baby
pictures. Leisha was a little tomboy and now she's a girly girl,
adorable then = adorable now. The girls chat about how they'd like
kids (really? Talice haven't already discussed this?) Bringing up
Helena's kids is a tricky subject -- Helena doesn't have custody,
her ex took the children to the South of France. Jamie's clearly
uninterested in Helena and her hot mess of a storyline.
Helena knows she looks bad as a
potential date (though she looks good as a work of human being) and
is thinking about jetting to find the woman who accepts her for all
her flaws 'cause it's Dylan's fault this all happened in the first
place. (Also - Helena used to LOVE her kids! What happened?! She
seems totally over it now. RETCON alert.) She decides to split when
they start bringing out the board games, and Jamie & Tasha have a
cute moment about how it's not gonna work between Jamie & Helena, so
everyone stop thinking about if it'd be Jelena or Helenie.
Oh Just Wait 'Til I Tell You About PRISON!
Helena runs to Dylan's and asks her to
have dinner. Then she runs away like she's just warned her about
The Ring. Helena's so cute when she's nervous. And haven't we
all been there? Your friends are trying to do the right thing and
get you involved with someone good, but instead you're running over
to the enemy's territory late at night and demanding a dinner date.
Old habits die hard. Just like Jenny. Who I love.
NOW I Know You Still Care FOR SURE!
I'm Having an Old Friend For Dinner ...
Back to the land of Shenny where
good things should be afloat
Jenny turned Shane's bedroom into an
office and thinks Shane is going to love it. Does she really think
that? If I were Shane, I would kill Jenny right then and there, that
is SO not okay. Now the pressure's really on for them to be 2gether
4ever, there's only one bed now!
but they aren't, because Ilene stole all of Jenny's Depakote.
Obvs Shane doesn't think this is cool,
and she -- thank G-d -- calls Jenny out and asks if she's just
"putting on the Crazy Jenny Show" to see how far she can push Shane.
Jenny gets all sullen and passive-aggressively says she can put it
back, obviously they are at different places in their lives.
I Can't Believe I've Let You In
Clearly. Shane is at that place where she wants to have a room with
a bed to sleep in and etc., and Jenny is in a place where she turns
Shane's bedroom into an office.
Also Jenny's been doing a lot of bizarre housecleaning projects.
Perhaps she is preparing her Tomb for her suicide. She's gonna have
a big one like King Tut.
Shane quite maturely asks Jenny to do
her a favor and not get melodramatic, says next time just ask before
redecorating. Jenny says okay, and then she keeps being
And Now Here I Am Telling You That I'm Suffocating in
Jenny: "Do you hate me?"
Jenny: "Do you love me?"
Shane: "I do. I love you."
Cue EZ Girl's Jenny Murder Remix.
This isn't who Jenny is anymore. This makes me sad. I wanted
this thing to have a chance.
Jamie are talking about how much they hate organising fundraising
things and Alice slyly mentions that she was on Dance Marathon for
Act UP in college. Of course she was. Tasha seems somewhat impressed
by this, and Jamie is downright inspired! She's like the little
sprite of energy who brings happiness into the room! Threesome time!
Jamie spreads the flirt around. It's an
interesting story that could maybe have taken place last season when
there was more time left. Also obvs a successful three-way
relationship is pretty much impossible, but I'd like to see them
try. Why? No reason. It might look nice on my teevee. La-la-la.
The good news is that they're gonna
have a dance party fundraiser! YAY!
With a dance party in the future, I can finally relax
something to look forward to -- but still, no talking about Max.
Angie travels with a lot of technology. She's got a cute little
afro. She's so cute.
Bette: "I'm just stunned by the ignorance."
Tina: "Well, welcome to the rest of America."
Do You Think I'll Make it to the Morning If It's Written?
Bette's having second thoughts about it, they don't know what to
do. Maybe it's not a good time ... etc. Then someone knocks at
the door. I've seen this before, it happens in horror movies and
in hypothetical situations my parents warned me about and they
actually get it.
OKAY THEY ARE STAYING AT A
ROADSIDE MOTEL AND MARCI COMES TO THE DOOR AND THEY ANSWER
IT? WTF?!!! NO WAY!! HAVEN'T THEY EVER SEEN A SCARY MOVIE?
YOU DO NOT JUST ANSWER THE DOOR TO SOME BATSHIT CRAZY
PREGNANT IDIOT GIRL WHO THINKS NIKKI STEVENS is Rad, knee
socks and platform shoes and denim coveralls are an
acceptable outfit to wear in public, and whose parents just
got all homophobic on you. You do NOT answer the door
without at least having a slight hesitation or conversation
about the nearest blunt weapon.
Then they fully INVITE
HER IN. They know she's poor, they know she's not bright,
they know shes accidentally pregnant for the third time,
they know what she's wearing, they know how her family feels
about gay people, and they fully invite her into the motel
room they are sharing with their dubiously 4.5 year old
child who is using a LOT of technology right now that's
probs worth more money than my sanity, which is being
severely altered by this exercise in lesbian torture!
Winnie: "My parents don't approve of lots of
Tina: "We understand."
Bette: "These things happen."
Winnie: "Yeah, but I really don't care. this
is my body, and my baby, and my decision, and you're
the family that I want my baby to go to."
These Earrings Were Also My Decision, And I Don't Know
How to Defend Myself On That Point
Winnie wants her baby to have an interesting life. Well Ilene
will certanly make it interesting. "This world needs boys who
are gonna do things different, and I really want my baby to have
a chance at that. Making this world you know, just a little
better." They get all teary-eyed. It's somewhat moving, like as
moving as this episode can get.
Is she gonna hook up with Shane or something? This girl is bad
news bears, I can tell.
we experience like 30 seconds of time lapse photography outside
the hotel and crazy music, it's almost like she's just trying to
kill time. Now ... we are going to ... watch ... people ...
I'd Spend All Night Losing Sleep
I'd Spend the Night And I Lose My Mind
We are going to watch people sleep. Oh, now they're talking
about the baby again, basically re-hashing previous convos but
more slowly. This is perfect, this is just what society wants of
us. They want us lesbos to lie in bed, stare into each other's
eyes, and talk about our feelings. Our boring, boring feelings.
OH! And hold hands. They'd like us
to hold hands too.
am I gonna say about this?"
A;ex: "No one's gonna say 'I can't believe you
skipped that part where Max took all his clothes off'!"
Carly: "We all know this was the worst episode
Lesbian Sexy Moments: No
Lesbain Squabbles: One I think
Quote of the Week: Your Mom
Close your eyes and think about Angelica's headphones.
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