This is what I do: I recap. I keep score. I count the number of Lesbian Sex
Moments, Lesbian Foreplay Moments, Non-Lesbian Sex Moments and Lesbian
Squabbles. I give you your weekly Kittism and your weekly Jenny Moment
and your Quote of the Week. I give you Screencaps.
Welcome to the Autostraddle Recap of Episode
603 "LMFAO," the Series Finale of Showtime's hit series The L Word!
What's that you say? This isn't the last episode? Fair enough, arguably
true. Howevs, I suspect this might be the last episode that I actually
enjoy. Furthermore, I imagine that at season's end I'll choose to block
out 604-608 and remember the whole she-bang ending like ... well ... this:
See the joy and the
laughter! At "LMFAO"'s end, Tasha's proud of Alice, Bette & Tina are in love
4evs, Kit & Helena have successfully turned Hit Club into "Casablanca meets
Studio Fifty-Fouh" (that's my best transliteration of Kit's pronunciation of
"4"), Shane & Jenny are in the giggly charged-up first moments of what they
still believe is Real Love and everyone is dancing and/or laughing! AND
I did actually enjoy at least 50% of this episode. You know what that means.
I'm not as funny when I mostly like the episode. You've been warned.
Speaking of warnings -- PLEASE if you re-post images obtained from
Autostraddle on your own blog or website, PLEASE credit the source (me).
This week our viewing party
A;ex and Natalie [not pictured]. Natalie hasn't seen the first two
episodes and therefore had a lot of questions. Oh also
nominations for The
Lezzies start February 2nd, you should check it out and nominate your
favorite blogs. Like
this one and
Natalie: "So what's Shane my love doing?" Carly: "She fucked Nikki, who was Jenny's ex-girlfriend, so now
she's like Jenny's slave trying to win Jenny back but then Jenny said
she's in love with Shane and then they kissed and now they're gonna be
together, which I have A LOT of feelings about."
Natalie: "Jenny!? Really?! Okay ... what about ...what's happening
with Bette & Tina?"
Riese: "Together, getting another kid for some reason."
Carly: "Until Jessie Spano-slash-Nomi Malone comes in ..." Natalie: "NOOOO! REALLY?! Okay, what happened with ..." Carly: "Please say Max. Please say Max."
Because Max isn't in this
episode, I'll withhold my commentary 'til next week ... or perhaps later
this week, when Max will possibly be writing a letter on Autostraddle
regarding his feelings w/r/t the Dubious and Impossible Pregnancy of '09 ...
the straw that broke the transgendered camel's back. I think his portrayal
on this show -- and it'll get worse -- is downright offensive. I was excited
for a FTM character, and I feel that Ilene has not fought to eliminate
transgender-targeted discrimination and marginalization but instead has
actually gone out of her way to re-enforce, fetishize and capitalize upon
the incredibly negative "freak" image.
But let's not think about that right now! Let's be happy and celebrate the
finale! Why was this episode called LMFAO? 'Cause we LOL'ed a lot. I'll keep
track for ya.
Maybe you need better LOCKS on the DOORS, Aaron!
This week it's Tina's turn
to declare a desire to kill Jenny 'cause
The Lez Girls "negative" has been stolen from the lab, they suspect
Jenny. Tina exclaims "Fucking Jenny! I will fucking kill you!," a clip which
we've already seen approximately 5 billion times.
I think before Aaron's scenes, the director shoots him up with Rabies,
shoves a pipe-bomb up his ass, and then just sets 'er off. I'm worried his
veins might literally pop out of his Mr.Clean headskull the next time he
spits/yells at Tina.
Natalie: "Jenny stole the negative from the lab?"
Carly: "Allegedly -- and it was the only copy of the movie in the
Natalie: "What about Adele? Is Adele still the director?"
Riese: "Adele is no longer with us."
Carly is ready to carve the turkey!
The good news starts early this episode,
Angela Robinson is in the house!
Our glory days have come!
BUT for you who'd prefer to avoid it,
click here to skip over the naked Shenny scenes and go straight to
Alice's arrival. See how good I am to you? See how much I care? Even though
I'd like to add that this isn't the Bette & Tina show, it's The L Word
Show, which means every episode must contain at least fifteen major
characters and 20 absurd plot-lines.
I think Jenny & Bette are supposed to be the main characters of the show,
right? Anyone? I'm curious how you feel about it. J&B is who we were told
would be the main characters in Season One. I guess we were told a lot of
things in Season One.
Sounder = Not on Team Shenny
Bedow bowwww it's the
morning after at Shenny's Magic Loveshack, where the happy new couple is
sex-tosseled and stunning in bed. Zomg! Jenny's got her paws on Shane's
nips, there's sighing and unbelievably loud sheet-shifting and Sounder Jr.
is on all fours, ready for some more doggy style. I think he feels ignored
'cause he doesn't have Shane's nipple confidence so he dashes out just as
Shane & Jenny wake up. Shane looks surprised for about half a second, and
then ... really happy.
Lesbian Sexy Moment #5: This Love
Isn't Good Unless It's Me and You The Players: Shane & Jenny The Pick Up: I think that happened last night? I beleive it was
"Jenny?" Hot or Not?: ZOMG! I mean LFMAZOMG!
Shane: "I don't know what to say." Jenny: "I'm happy we fucked." Shane: "Are you sure?" Jenny: "Mmm hmm."
And when I Lay Beside You For The First Time I Told You
Even though it's the
ass-crack of morning and clearly neither one of these ladies has brushed
their teeth, the makeout continues, obvs 'cause they cannot resist one
another. Shane does the L Word signature move which is to cover your
lover's boobs during any kind of sexual activities (especially during oral).
Then the doorbell rings. "Fuck," Jenny remembers, Alice is coming over for
her parent-teacher conference notes on her "treatment."
Shane moans "tell Alice to go home," which is interesting ...
LMFAO MOMENT #1:
"Alice is so ... annoying!"(Jenny)
But before Shane goes downstairs to get the door, Jenny has feelings to
Jenny: "Shane? C'Mere. Do you think we made a mistake?"
[Shane makes a
really weird facial expression, I'm hoping it's indicative of super-love, rather than super-theatrics] Shane: "No." Jenny: "Really?" Shane:[obvs implying incredible sexiness was had] "You know
as much as I do ... [cute smile face]" ++
Jenny: C'mhere. [they kiss] ++
I could stay with this scene
forever, but Alice has better ideas.
Meanwhile Jenny will sit in bed and wait, nibbling on her blue fingernails.
All the L-Girlz had a mani-pedi party before shooting this ep, they all
chose sparkly blue.
Also if Jenny made me
wait that long, I'd take that opportunity to text Tina that "I tried!" and
then dash to the car. But our dear Alice waits, and our scruffy Shane
Shane denies it even when Alice insists Shane
wears her sex nights "on her sleeve." (Or, rather, on her bare arms, 'cause
she's always sportin' the wifebeater after aforementioned "sex nights."
LMFAO #3: Jenny calls to Shane, "Monkey, have you seen my shirt?"
Alice scowls in confusion/fear and says, incredulously: "Monkey? Wow, you
guys SUPER made up!"
LMFAO #4 (possibly
top 10 best L Word moments of all time): We zoom in as Alice's cute
baby mind tries to computer this crazy-ass shit. She's a Stepford Lesbian
about to have a breakdown, there'll be sparkplugs exploding everywhere and
even Max the Computer F-T-Man won't know how to fix it. Besides he's busy
doing Kegels and throwing nerf balls at his stomach to kill the baby.
Shane's doing Eric Mabius's
hair today ... how meta! [Also, so relieved Shane's still employed,
someone's gotta bring home the bacon for these little rascals] Then Alice
spies on them.
Her reaction: "Um. Ew."
Alice's faces this episode are out of this world.
monkey what? monkey see, monkey do her all night long?
'LMFAO #5: Alice
dashes to the bathroom to do what she must do -- text everybody and tell
them all right away xoxo gossip girl.
She's jogging probs imagining long gallops on the English countryside with
Black Stallions when she gets the news -- "SHANE AND JENNY HAD SEX LAST
NIGHT!!" -- and promptly falls off the treadmill. Sidenote; I could watch
Helena work out for the rest of my life.
Tina's in a meeting with Angela Robinson and someone else -- how
meta! -- who are obviously pitching a lesbian vampire story. Aren't we all.
Tina's reaction: "WHAT THE FUCK?"
Tasha's walking out
of a Police Academy Whatevers, probs Eddie Murphy was there, when she gets
the news and we see the second part of Alice's text:
WITH EACH OTHER!! (LMFAO #6)
Tasha's Reaction =
Laughter, "Oh Alice." Aw. I think Tasha thinks Alice is super cute when she
does silly things that Tasha would never do.
Bette's reaction, however, is THE BEST.(LMFAO
She's in a meeting with stodgy academic people talking about important
things but she cracks up schoolgirl-style over the Shenny Texts Part 1&2.
She tries to suppress the laughter but she cannot contain herself!
Bette laughing her ass off = beautiful.
Then we flash back to 1972,
Kit's golden days on the R&B scene -- Kit doesn't understand why her phone
is buzzing 'cause that ain't how things are donnneee over on her side of
town. No really there's no reason for her not to know this, but it's funny
so I'll let it fly. Probs the last time she heard buzzing, it turned out to
be Ivan's vibrating strap-on rubbing against her plush buttocks. Hey-o!
Thank you Babeland!
"What in the Bloody Hell is Going On?"
Helena calls and I'm hoping
she's calling to say "Hey, if the other potential friends-become-lovers
couple is going for the gold this season, whaddya say you and I take a romp
in the ol' schoolyard and you charm my little knickers right off my body!"
but instead she wants to talk about Shenny. Alice wants to listen to Shenny
talk about boundaries and relay it all to Helena. This scene is AWESOME.
++ Alice: "They're kissing! EW!" (LMFAO #8)
Helena: "Alice, you're being childish.
They're both adults and if they want to get involved with each other, that's
totally their prerogative."
Alice: "Shane just said Jenny's a good kisser!" Helena: "Oooo ick! Oh my God!" (LMFAO #9)
The L Word is Oh you Lucky, Lucky Girl, Jenny ...
Riese PSA: I mean ...
even if you hate Shenny, this scene is super-hilarious. I feel like I root
for the things everyone is rooting for, whether it be Alice wearing glasses,
Helena undressing or Bette & Tina getting back together ... mrrrrr
Iloveshenny! I don't think a Bettina fan would feel shafted by me in the
same way a Shane and/or Jenny and/or Shenny fan might feel shafted reading
other recaps. If I had a point here, I lost it. Oh, it's "come on!"
I really liked this observation by reader
last week, and I think I agree (also perhaps it adds to the "this is all
Jenny's script" theory) - "Jenny I think represents just about all of us
(I was just questioning my shit when I started watching) so to me she's
living the dream. Move to LA, make super hot lesbo friends, and finally end
up with Shane. I feel as Jenny wins, we all win just a little."
Jenny's like the weird outsider who just snagged the captain of the football
team when no one even predicted that they'd get along in the first place.
She's like Emily Valentine.
Bette's gabbing with Tina
about how Shenny's gonna be a trainwreck. I mean, someone could even get
killed(!!!!), just like in an actual trainwreck. So that's what
happened to Tina's train to Lezzie Town! Ca-CHING! Not that Bette has any
need for public transportation with those FUCKING SLEEVES!
Pirates of Penzance have been on hold since last week. You better get
that call or they will loot your booty all over WeHo.
"Bette ! Again with THE SLEEVES! They're like WINGS!" Riese: "She just wants to fly and everyone keeps holding her
back!" Carly: "She's like [sings] "I'm Like a Bird" you guys ..." Riese: "And they're like, No you aren't!"
Lesbian Squabble #14: Time To Get a Real Job Time To Stop Having Fun at
Bette's Expense In the Ring Bette vs. Jodi Content: Bette's like "why's Tom here?" 'cause 2 on 1 is totally not
fair, Bette's getting played like a deck of cards. Jodi says Bette was never
a good signer, although she could apparently do many other magical things
with her fingers. Bette thinks Jodi should resign, just like she said she
would a few weeks ago. Jodi wants to redact that offer 'cause she made it to
save the ass of the woman she loves, now she is on to new asses and new
loves, and therefore loves her job and wants to stay.
We all know the real reason is that she doesn't know where she's gonna put
the giant play structure she built in Season Four, that thing is a behemoth.
To this Bette says, "If you don't resign, then I'm gonna have to fire you."
Jodi says "Go right ahead." Who Wins? Tom! He just got an extra day of work! He can put that
towards the diaper fund.
Put That On Your Fucking Clipboard!
Jenny's been up all night
giving notes to Shane's vadge (much like Twat: The Night, but more intimate)
and clearly didn't actually read Alice's treatment. Instead of admitting
this, Jenny's going to catapult brilliantly into my favorite kind of scene
-- Jenny Momentus!
Howevs, in prior seasons we've seen Jenny get all Jenny Momenty towards
Stacey Merkin, the secretary at Curve, various smarmy movie execs,
Moira/Max, the cast & crew of Lez Girls, Adele, the pre-Adele
BUT now ...
She's doing it to Alice. Very clever, Show. Very clever. Because when
you hurt Alice, you hurt everyone, because everyone loves Alice, and then
the globe warms and then all the penguins die.
Next Time I Will Just Take Robert McKee's Story Seminar
Jenny: "You people just come into
Hollywood and you just think that you're gonna make it and you're
just gonna write everything and it's gonna be great in one night. You
know what? My work -- to write a screenplay -- is a craft. [HA! -
LMFAO #10] And if you're gonna sit here across from me, you're gonna
start taking it seriously."
Jenny asks Alice to pitch it
to her so she can prove she's worthy of this craft -- 'cause screenwriting
isn't like other crafts where you can just get out a loom and weave a scarf,
one must work hard to mine the lint of their navel and weave it into
storytelling goodness, like this wonderful show. Soooo ... it'd seem Alice
stole her idea from Ilene Chaiken and/or her own life. A talk show host is
dating a cop, it's got "mystery, car chases, action and excitement, foul
play meets Mr. and Mrs. Smith, so it's kinda romantic and action-y ... it's
kinda got everything!" Jenny says it has everything "except a great idea."
Jenny: "I mean, I don't think that's
gonna sell -- pretty boring--" (amazing shrug) "-- but you know the
heart of this? Is that it's just not realistic. These two people would never
be in a relationship together."
JENNY MOMENT: "Well Alice, you know what I think? The future is now.
Right now -- and this (points at the treatment) is not the way
forward. Because when I'm with you (does big hand gesture indicating the
size and scope of the world/the chart) in a group of people and I close
my eyes and I'm like ooooooo (squinches up her face) ughhhh that girl
oooo the VOICE! (opens her eyes, points at Alice) She should be doing
cartoon voiceovers." (LMFAO #11)
Alice is suitably stunned
and before she can say that Mel Blanc called to say don't fucking compare
Alice to him, Tina's at the door. OH! I've got this theory -- Jenny'll
continue to be accused of things we believe she could've done, but
she actually didn't do! Yeah? That'd be a twist.
Alice adorably tells Tina not to say anything about Shenny as she dashes out
and Tina asks Alice if she's "sure." She is. This is how Tina feels about
++ Tina's Face = (LMFAO #12)
Anyhow, Tina can't talk
'cause she's gotta "fuckin' kill Jenny." Alice deadpans: "Why, what did she
do to you?" Oh my God! Jenny is DOING things to EVERYBODY! ALL TOGETHER NOW!
The best Jenny Moments
always happen in Jenny's kitchen. That's because she's from the midwest,
where our kitchens are like hearths of love and soul, apple pies and warm
Jenny doesn't like what
Tina's got to say abut the missing negative, she'd rather talk about
cappuccino and soybeans. (LMFAO #13) Who cares about the negative,
the editor has it on her computer, Jenny adds. Funny, I was just thinking
that exact same thing! Apparently, explained by some bizarre movie-making
lingo that I don't understand, "it doesn't matter what the editor has on her
computer because it cannot be projected on our screen." They should just
release this thing on youtube and call it a day. I can only imagine the
comments, probs: "you wasted 140.23 min/sec of my life AND I WANT IT BACK
Lesbian Squabble #15: Dude, Where's my Negative?
In the Ring: Tina vs. Jenny Content: Tina's being kind and tactful when she asks Jenny if she's
got it. Jenny suggests Adele's got it and Tina's gotta think fast to cover
up the fact that Malaya Rivera
Drew or whatever her name was is no longer on the show -- Adele wouldn't
do it, "her whole career would be on the line."
Jenny refuses to follow the
rules of Vortexed cast members and says that Adele's got a three-picture
deal -- in other words, she's fine, and Jenny has: "nothing. I don't even
have an agent anymore. Because my agents don't think I'm professional. And
if this film doesn't come out (HELLLOOOO TORONTO CANADA!) then I'm totally
fucked, okay, so I need this film to come out (GO BLUE JAYS!) so I have this
[holds up fingers to gesture the tiny bit of a chance she's got] kind
of chance of getting a job again. So you have to find that movie!"
Also I'm a Bad Writer, but That is NOT THE POINT!
Tina believes Jenny. I think
I believe Jenny just 'cause I know where she was last night (Shane's Nipple
Confidence: The Night) and furthermore I know what she did last summer
(Nikki) and I also know where she lives (Here) and because I don't want her
to die (whatevs).
Hey! Hey! YOU! You! I Don't Like Your Not-Girlfriend! Alice: "It's Jenny, I just wanna be sure we know who we're talking
about here." Shane: "I'm truly aware of who it is, thank you, but listen -- we get
each other. We do and I have to believe she's not gonna get weird."
I Know She Takes All the Good and the Bad That Comes With Me
Shane seems pragmatic &
happy & confident she can hold her own. If anyone can, she can -- she's been
holding her own with Jenny thus far, after all. Shane says she's gotta trust
Jenny to set boundaries, and besides, she's got no other choice. Err. Urm,
yeah she does, there's another choice hidden in the attic that you may find
in a few weeks while hunting for your lost dignity as Chaikenbake steers
this tanker into a deserted island of lesbos.
You know, this girl, Molly?
Really if Shane was actually in love with
Molly, she wouldn't have moved on so quickly. But you know, it's Shane.
She genuinely believes she's in love with someone in the moment, but
give her two days and she's Go-Go-Gadget-Girlfriend, calling "NEXT!" She
should be on that MTV show NeXT, I love the lezzie episodes.
Though Alice insists "any
level-headed calm person" would "freak out if they'd slept with a roommate,"
Shane ain't level-headed, she's a quick-heart'ed goddess of sexy
Californication. "We're not gonna add water and make an instant
relationship," Shane says, marking her first accurate employment of an
analogy. At least I think it's an analogy. Analogy, metaphor, potato,
po-tah-to. I am no smarter than Shane.
++ Shane: "And listen -- between you and me -- if it was to happen again
--" Alice: "What? What is that face?" Shane:"I wouldn't -- I wouldn't mind --"
And Alice picks up the
yogurt dish, takes out a spoon, and gets down to business ...
++ (LMFAO #14)
Carly: "It's first date good. Burn the wedding dress good." Riese: "I'd like to thank the ACADEMY good."
Alice is convinced they're
gonna sleep together again tonight, but Shane isn't "planning" on it (why
wait 'til tonight? how's this afternoon?) ... howevs Tao of Shane, Book One
states that she does not have a plan and in fact that is the point. Shane's
just glad to have Jenny back in her life. This talk concerns me, that's
number one on the list of "bad reasons to sleep with someone."
Lesbian Squabble #16: This Would Be A Good Time to Just Give Jodi the
In the Ring: Phyllis & Jodi vs. Bette Content: Phyllis doesn't think Jodi needs to be fired no more and
ignores Bette's valid claims that Jodi is a bad employee. Speaking of,
Phyllis is really bad at her job you guys! I swear, I haven't witnessed her
make one efficient or professional decision, she's entirely motivated by
emotional whims and seems to spend more time dealing with her feelings than
actually running a University. I'd like to hijack this meeting and fire
Phylllis. She's about to get married to a big lawyer, she can just become a
Phyllis: "I never thought that
you of all people would let this dyke drama get in the way of you
doing your job!" Bette: "This is not dyke drama, Phylllis!" Phyllis: "When you entered into a sexual relationship with a
subordinate -- as you refer to her -- you relinquished your right to
fire her, because that's what's called sexual harassment." Bette: "Are you threatening to sue me for sexual harassment?" Jodi: "Hmmm, that thought never ocurred to me. I'm not really
interested in lawsuits." [Point for Jodi.]
I love how Tom adds a little
spice to Jodi's statements when he translates. Anyhow Bette is 100% right.
this isn't Dyke drama. Dyke Drama is = CORE, Phyllis begging for Bette's
romantic advice, Joyce naked at Phyllis's office, Jodi refusing to meet with
Bette, But hey! Who cares! This is teevee and Phyllis says: "The last thing
this University needs is a sexual harassment lawsuit between two lesbians
... I cannot allow you to expose this university to this kind of threat."
This is ... stupid!
Who Wins: Sarah Palin and all her gay friends.
Also, in addition to noting
how lovely Phyllis & Tom are matching today, I'd like to point out that here
we have A CLUE!
Jenny gets super inspired
when she's having a dramatic love affair, and then when she's done writing
her masterwork of stage and screen, she gets a little horny. She interrupts
Shane's nap and Shane don't mind one bit ...
Lesbian Sexy Moment #6: If You're Gonna Wake Up, You Might as well
Wake Up With Me The Players: Jenny the Artist and Shane the Sexual Artist The Pick - Up: "I was thinking about what we did last night ... and
how I liked it..." Hot or Not: If Carly would stop yelling about how Shane needs to
brush her teeth before they start making out, it cold be quite steamy ... it
is. Love the half-asleep cute yearning arm, Jenny mounting her ... if only
this love affair could stay this good for the rest of the season ...
Once Again We Are Captivated.
Cue the Split-Screen!
The saucy ladies at The
Look have od'ed on hair gel and botox & are ready for Alice to share
some more dirty secrets. Probs this episode has been sponsored by Secret,
which is strong enough for a big butch daddy but PH-balanced just for girls
in tight dresses and/or pink shirts with poofy sleeves.
It's a Killer Season After All
Alice got a letter in the
mail. Elizabeth & Sherri Saundra & Mary are hoping it's a
love letter from Clementine Ford and/or Tila Tequilla, but instead it's from
a girl who's gay brother got shot in the face for being gay. The
letter-writer wants Alice to tell her viewers that "it's not okay to hurt
gay people." That's right Alice, let's not forget that in Episode 607 or
someone's gonna end up in The Farm. Also, what if you're a dude and your
queer boyfriend defies science, gets somehow impregnated, calls you a faggot
and kicks you in the nuts? Then what? THEN WHAT ALICE?
I mean, totally serious now, very moving/out of the blue. Alice I think is
taking a cue from her Moralist Girlfriend and Doing the Right Thing. Saundra
& Mary are horrified that Alice hasn't learned from
The Great Battle of '07 -- the people do not want to hear about 650,000
dead in Iraq, they want to hear about how being a vegan can improve your
spiritual health. Where's Joy Behar when you need her?
I've Got Something I Can Raise my Voice For Alice's Big Moment: "I know I've justified outing in the past saying
it's a political act, and I certainly do believe that the world would be
better if people felt free and safe enough to be who they are. But what I
forgot is that some people choose to stay in the closet for other reasons.
One of those reasons is that homophobia is alive and well, and often times
in this country -- can get you killed."
"... and in other countries, in fact -- many many
other countries" Riese: "... unlike in other countries where it's much
much worse--" Carly: "... in other countries the government will kill you for being gay!"
Hurrah! Alice has been saved
from last season's ridiculous personality shift! Howevs, clearly this --
like many other things Alice likes -- is not Fun Gay. This is
Shot-in-the-Face or Hung-on-a-Fencepost-in-Laramie Gay, this is Boys Don't
Cry Gay, this is all the kinds of gays that ignorant fluffheads like Saundra
& Mary avoid at the cineplex so they can sit in their nice beds and watch
the new episode of Dancing with the Stars.
We'll be Right Back with Someone Way Stupider!
After the break they'll be
discussing how to dress for Spring, and Alice will be debating an early
start on her cartoon voiceover career. Shane is my Homegirl t-shirts aren't
gonna fly as spring wardrobe staples.
If these L-girls keep progressing career-wise at this pace, Angelica's gonna
have a tough time finding anyone for Take Your Daughter to Work Day. She can
go cut hair with Shane or bartend at Hit, I guess.
This scene is stupid. If you
didn't see the show, I'll just summarize quickly -- [UPDATE: My summary of
this scene is totally wrong. That's what you get for watching it drunk once
and on mute three more times! Thank you Michael for clearing that up!]
someone faxed a ransom note to the movie studio about stealing the negative
and they signed it Tina Kennard and Aaron actually thinks Tina did it, which
doesn't even make sense, why would she fax a ransom note with her own name
on it, and why the F would Aaron believe it was from her? He kinda knows
where she lives and etc.? It's a plot device I may've used when I was 8
(yes, I already wrote plays then, I was a big loser) and named it "The
Portardstien Bears and the Case of the Ransom Note."
I Do Wanna Express Myself. And I Don't Need 37 Wall-Sized Video Screens
To Do It.
sharing a mid-afternoon drink with Bette at the local
Chotchkie's, says that because Bette is "the only lesbian who's had a
nasty public breakup with a faculty member," she [Phyllis] will have to do
the unthinkable and fire the beautiful/unshakable Bette Porter. Um? Fire
Jodi! She's the one who made it public on a giant screen! Unfortunately,
good ol' Vortexed Nadia reported her "encounter" with Bette too. I recall
Jodi having a few liaisons under her less-poofy sleeves, but um, this show
is just kinda silly sometimes.
Phyllis: "You were a beautiful role model for me when I was
coming out -- in a special way I will always be grateful." Bette: "That's nice." (LMFAO #15)
Not a Good Day for the Parents Who Wanna Adopt
Phyllis wants to tell Bette
about her own struggles with "attraction" to a co-worker, and asks Bette if
she'd like to know who it is and Bette so smartly says she'd rather not. As
Phyllis rambles on about her special crush, Bette's chomping on peanuts like
they're the fingers on Jodi's little signing hands.
Phyllis: "Bette -- I've always found you wildly -- exquisitely
Bette: "Phyllis ... no ..." Phyllis: "Yeees ... yesss ..."
(LMFAO Moment #16)
++ Phyllis: "From the moment I saw you, tall, strong, brilliant
--" Bette: "Don't--"
Phyllis: "So erudite--" Bette: "Don't." Phyllis: "It was so difficult for me not to act on it. You
can't imagine --"
Bette: "Joyce." Phyllis: "Joyce is wonderful -- oh yeah she's TCB, good in
bed, makes a good living -- but f you gave me the smallest amount of
encouragement, I'd lose her in a second." Bette: "You just fired me."
++ Phyllis: "I know, but it may be the best thing that ever
happened to both of us ... Bette, you are and will always be, the
woman of my dreams." [Yes, you and the rest of the world, baby]
She looks like a cocker spaniel! Riese: That's Cybill Shepard! You can't say that about her! Natalie: I know but right now look at her face! She DOES!
Then Phyllis goes for the makeout and Bette gives her the fakeout ...
Bette: "You will have my letter of resignation in the morning."
Here We Re-enact the Scene For You.
The Rose of My Heart's Desire ...
I think IC must be doing the
dirty with a florist, there's been a lot of flower-sending happening over
the past few years. Next up will be EZ Girl with a singing telegram. Anyhow,
Helena doesn't want no skanky flowers from Dylan. What is she gonna make a
documentary with those flowers. Wtf. What's it gonna be called, I have
flowers and broke your heart. Pshaw.
Anyhow Helena's gonna take one of dem dere daffodils and go get herself some
Next Time I'm Outing Queen Latifah, Mark My Words!
Alice guesses "hate crimes
are not fun gay, they're depressing gay," and doesn't wanna get fired so
she's gonna go say she's sorrry. Also, she's already dressed for spring in a
little peasant shirt she stole from that box of clothes Papi has in her
house of shirts her Mom wants her to wear.
Tasha: "Alice you don't always get rewarded for doing the right
thing, look what happened to me." Alice: "Are you really gonna make this about you right now?
Are you really gonna do this and make this about the fucking army
But then! FATE intervenes!
It's a telephone call from the Gay & Lesbian Center! There is an emergency!
Alice must rescue everyone and put out forest fires and save the world!
This Girl! She Wants to Cut Ties with All The Lies That She's Been Living
This scene is way better if
you watch it to the tune of that "Step Off of the Ledge my Friend," which
you could've done if you'd been on my couch, 'cause Carly and I sang it
throughout, much to everyone's delight/chagrin. This smokin' hot chick (new
character Jamie played by
Mei Melancon) has something to show Alice on the roof of the GLC. What
could it be? Perhaps a lovely view of the city?
Carly: "Please be a puppy!" Riese: [I-found-a-puppy-voice] "She was just too cute to
leave on the streets!"
I think Ilene writes out what's supposed to
happen and then the actual teleplay writers insert their own commentary on
Ilene's plot choices via dialogue.
++ Alice: "This is weird. And crazy. I can't talk a teenager
off the ledge -- what if she jumps?" Tasha: "Alice isn't qualified for this. She's not a
psychologist." Jamie: "She knows you, you're her hero, she's so excited
every time you're on The Look and it gives her hope that
someone could be out like you and still be successful! please
will you just talk to her."
What the ... frickin' ... frack ...
Also, the Suicide Girl's
name is Marie, which's also my name (Riese is my nickname, from "Rie"). Okay
confession -- this character's based on me. My brother's not gay though, but
one time someone broke into his Mini-Van and stole his speakers. Then I
tried to kill myself but Leisha rescued me, and we've been together ever
Riese: "ALICE is a
SUPERHERO!" Carly: "She's Alice the suicide negotiator!" Alex & Carly: (singing) "PRICELINE NEGOTIATOR!" Carly: "William Shatner's gonna pop down and be like --
"Hey, get off that ledge and go to the Bahamas!"
I Want You to Know Everyone's Gotta Face Down the Demons
So, Alice who's about to get
fired goes and gives Marie a little bit of inspiration and Marie doesn't
jump. People don't just announce that they're gonna die like that on this
show. There's a super-breif season-long build-up following several seasons
of developed attachments and THEN they die. If "Marie" was serious, she'd
just jump and/or execute my favorite option - drug overdose! Why not get
high before you die? Yah! This is silly. But you know Ilene lovveeesss her
Also look, Alice & Tasha are in love -- and not WITH EACH OTHER!!
(that's Jamie they're looking at)
Speaking of Loooveeeee now
Alice has done something very good so now Tasha can be proud of her. Yeah,
I've been there, done that.
How About Your Boulevard and my Alley [Kat] get together ...
I predict that Sunset
Boulevard will turn out to be the baby daddy of Kit's son or someone else
from her past. I don't know what to say about the attire except that some
Jo-Ann Fabrics saleswoman got very lucky this week -- "Darlene, we finally
sold allll that extra stuuuff from the Moroccan Christmas line!"
Sunset asks if Kit's got a man, she says nah, she's off men for now. Sunset
asks about women and Kit's Kittism comes when she explans that women are
KITTISM: "Women? Oh pullleeeeeze they can mess each other up too.
I can't begin to tell you how much drama I SEEEN!"
Okay, obviously I need to
take a TO and test this little snippet of dialogue on Garage Band:
Natalie: "Is Kit gay?" Riese: "Yes." Carly: "No."
HIT Club is HOPPIN'!!!
CASTING CALL: Straight Women, Caucasian 21-26, wanted to be GAY for
SHOWTIME'S HIT SERIES THE L WORD
(No ACTUAL GAYS should apply) ++
Sunset 100% fo'sho thinks Kit & Helena are the
romantic kind of partners. Anyhow, now Kit's walking outside to find her
girls, you can tell by the blissful look on her face that something bad is
about to happen. Perhaps she'll get killed by an axe-murderer or assaulted
by the RedRum finger. But no, worse (for her, not for me, I
la-la-la-love it!) -- it's Shenny kissing!
All Eyes Are On Me Now
Kit returns to the gang,
horrified: "I just saw Jenny and Shane in the car, Shane's hand was all up
Jenny's skirt and Shane's tongue was alllllll down Jenny's throat." Everyone
shares a hearty laugh about how Kit doesn't know how to check her text
messages. (LMFAO #17)
I'm Proud To Be Proud To See Proud to be Me
The rest of this scene is so
cute and fills me with so much joy that I wish I could watch it with all my
friends again, I want everyone to magically make up and laugh our cares away
and live in the same city and always say what's on their mind and have
inside jokes and weather storms and toast each other and I want it done to
They all toast to Alice because she did something great today and Tasha's
proud of her. Hurrah!
Stupid Can Also Be Sexy
Shane joins the crowd and
knowing laughter abounds. Shane's so cute when she's confused. The
side-chatter between characters = priceless. Jenny arrives suspiciousy faux-seperately
with a triumphant "Hi BETTE!" that's so Mia -- and ultimately the duo both
obstensibly leave seperately to "go check out the VIP room." It's cute, and
also telling that per ush, Shane doesn't care what her friends think of who
she's with, she's not ashamed.
Alice does a terrible/AWESOME Shane imitation "OOO there's a second floor?"
and if I'd been sitting there I would've said "What's that again? Can you
say that again -- your Shane immitation? I'd just like to hear it one more
Even though one could openly
call out one's friends in these situations, it's way funnier to wait 'til
they leave and then make fun of them. And as the music lifts Alice directs
the group to look UP! -- "three o'clock" -- Shane & Jenny have magically
found one another! Tasha says oh Alice you gossip, they're just talking! But
she's quickly proven wrong ...
++ Jenny: "Are you okay with lying to all our friends?" Shane: "I don't care. I really don't. It's between you and me."
And now it's between you and me and everyone we know ...
(LFMAO Moment #19)
And the rest of this show --
cheesy as it may be (and possibly about ten seconds too long -- it's like
the "laugh! laugh! everyone laugh like you just got tickled!" thing) -- is
just lovely. The "L word" today is "lovely." You know I'm a sucker for a
musical ending. When I first watched this ep with Meryl, I thought this
scene was too long & cheesy. But I've come around and now I think it's
amazing, it makes my eyes water. That might be 'cause this is the last
episod of the show in my mind, or perhaps I've spent too long indoors
without human contact.
The song that plays at the end is called 'Don't Keep Me Waiting" and it's by
Sharleen Spiteri. Wanna listen? Just press play on that little "end song"
widget and you can sing right along!
This is a very simple dance, just think "Sun
flower reaching to the sun!
Think I love Jesus! Think Amber Waves of Grain!"
I'll be back next week to
begin recapping what Ilene has referred to as "a miniseries" in which she'll
have a chance to "tell the story" of what happens when one of your friends
is murdered and an FTM gets pregnant despite being on testosterone. Though
you may think the likelihood of either of these stories being relevant to
your life is slim to none, think again!
It's just none!
+ The Round-Up: Lesbian Sexy Moments - 2 this episode, 6 overall Lesbian Squabbles - 2 this episode, 16 total Quote of the Week? - [still
On a Scale of 1 to 10: Dancing!
zomg, when this shit is
over, I'm gonna statistically analyze this and find out who's been sexy the
most and who's fought the most. I predict Bette will top the fighting list,
and Shane will top the sexy list and be super-low on the fighting list.
Alice is a strong contender for either category.
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