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:: L O Y A L  A N D  T R U E ::

#5.12 Recap Blog by Riese

This is what I do: I keep score. I count the number of Lesbian Sex Moments, Lesbian Foreplay Moments, Non-Lesbian Sex Moments and Lesbian Squabbles. I monitor and record the fluctuation of my bisexuality on a Kinsey Scale. I give you your weekly Kittism and your weekly Jenny Moment and your Quote of the Week. I give you Screencaps.



[Greetings from Slicey: Just in case you're not familiar with Tegan and Sara (and really, how could you not be) you should really check them out. Your ears will thank you-plus, you'll understand Riese's recaps better.]

This week we held a massive fiesta [approximately ten attendees, not including stuffed animals] to celebrate the end of L Word recap season. In fact, we were rockin' so hard/requirin' so many beverages to cope with the Shenny fallout ... that we forgot to take photos ... sooo, Cait, Alex and I did a quick A.M. shoot. As for the others: luckily many of the finale "party" attendants were not recap virgins, so I was able to dig up some photos from the archive. I made a collage, look!

As pictured: Alex, Memememe, Cait, Heather, Vicky, Zoey, Chase/Tara. And luckily, I talked first-timers Stef and Ms. Jackson into taking photos on their own time, which I'll include here, which'll be exciting for everyone. [UPDATE: And Heather did a photo shoot for us too, holla!] Diana's face will forever be a mystery to you. Anyhow, yes, the season's over, I'm so excited to get my weekends back. It's been many months since I've innocently enjoyed former Saturday night activities like: staying home in my room on the internet, eating real dinner rather than a series of snacks, writing a Sunday Top Ten , coloring pictures with crayons with Chase in the semi-smoky-darkness while discussing queer theory. This is the way. Is the way ...

This is SO Not the Way That Anybody Lives:
Come on everybody, you know the words!
Alex: Do we really have to go through this [opening song] every time?
Yeah, we have to see whose little graphic has been eliminated and sucked into the vortex and be sure Helena's still on the show. Which I'd much rather do to "Closer to Fine."


1. I used "all right" when I should've used "alright" in the recap of the last scene. I think I'd stopped proofing by that point. That will probs also happen tonight.
2. Since it's the last episode, your corrections will go undocumented in this format. You can correct me anyhow, I like it when you talk dirty to me.
4. Thanks for reading and commenting and living loving and so forth! Don't forget to fight forest fires, and wet your pants at work even without me.
xoxo gossip girl.


"Jesse, Perhaps You Do Love Men, You Just Need a Little Vagisil."
All About Adele, Aaron & Tina are meeting with the grown-up versions of some assholes I dated in college who think the now major-distributor-backed film needs a feminine hygiene product tie-in. I'd like to suggest pregnancy test sticks or perhaps (w/regards to last episode's favorite topic:) menstrual products. I'm imagining a post-production dub: Jesse crawls around in the backyard, runs into Tish, and confesses she's just looking for some TAMPAX.

Just Mean Dressed Up: The suits say the movie'll never work in the fly-over states in its current state -- you know the heartland? It's like the line Jenny used to end one of her famous carnival stories: "That'll never fly in Peioria." Jenny's from Peioria, I believe. Am I wrong? Who cares! It's the last episode no more corrections, I can just be wrong wrong wrong. Nikki Jody Cindy Pisecki McCutchen Kinard Shecter affect effect that which its it's whose who's reeked wreaked penis vagina hot dog turkey dog hallway airway tunnel tofu dog cat mr.piddles is dead mr.piddles dana is gay.

About Men: The L Word's got no faith in men to ever understand Lesbian artistic visions. I'm generally a fan of "fuck the patriarchy" messages, but it's getting tired, Ilene needs something new in her bag o'tricks. Or perhaps something old redeeming himself, e.g., Mark. Who? What's that? The suits demand a more "releatable" ending -- Jesse needs to go back to the guy. Relatable to who? Angelina Jolie? Also, that opens up a whole new range of feminine product tie-ins, like douchebags, dental dams, ovulation meters and Diflucan. Also, when I think "how to make this movie appeal to everyone, not just the ladies," I think "feminine hygiene product tie-in, STAT."


Make a Map of What You See: Tina and Bette discuss future housing plans w/r/t Angie's preschool. But what really matters is how super-cute Angelica is! She knows so many words! She just goes: "Can I honk the horn?!!"
QUOTE OF THE WEEK: "Can I honk the horn?"

Angelica's so bored.
Heather: That makes 12 of us.

T wants to hear Mama B's speech about Jodi: "Jodi makes art with found industrial materials in ways that no one, man or woman, ever even thought of doing." Probably because it's bad idea. I never thought to open a penal colony on a desert island with no milk or juice, infest everyone with SARS, and then write a novel about it called "Truth in Memoir." 'Cause who wants SARS? Nobody. Tina strokes Bette's ego: "You're a great writer, you'll know how to say it, it'll be good."
That makes one of us.
Riese: Oh, Ilene.

Bette hasn't spoken to Jodi but the curator told Bette the piece was fabulous! Oh, I can't wait! Angelica says the word "Jodi" and Tina says they need to find a way to keep Jodi in Angie's life, but Bette's not into that idea. Then they see Alice on a bus promotional banner, then Sarah Jessica Parker steps in a puddle and the music goes dodododododododo.

What is this ... it's like Short Cuts.
One of my favorite movies which no one but me has ever seen.
I think its Grey's Anatomy.
Saved by the Bell hair, Sex in the City bus banner, this show is summarizing so many other shows.
Oh wait, just kidding, that was totally ALF.

London Calling: Peggy, my favorite character on The L Word, thinks she's dying and therefore needs to talk to all her VIPs ASAP, including her daughter Helena. And then, like a bright burst of light through the shadows, Helena exclaims: "Right here, Mummy!" Peggy doesn't like what Helena's wearing. It's very Tom Sawyer, very desert island. Heather, who's missed the entire season, is asking me a lot of questions about why they have different accents.


Yay! Helena's back!

Stef: Since when is Shane a photographer?
They pick up hobbies very quickly on this show.
Riese: Fast learners, the whole cast.


Lesbian Sexy Moment #32: Woke Up With Beauty in my Bed
The Players: Shane and Molly
The Pick-Up:
"Did you sleep well?"

Hot or Not? Oh, the etheral lighting, the glowy sheets. The bizarre music box melody. Despite the beauty of this situation (*cough* High Art), they musn't linger, it's time for brunch with Phyllis. They seem quite comfortable already, and Shane seems ... hm. Happy?

Cait: Oh my God, Riese you totally called it!
Called what?
I said I knew she'd get a job in security, like in Six Feet Under after Keith had to leave the police.
Oh right, 'cause she's black and gay, like Keith.
Riese: Yeah it's the armed-profession - uniformed - black - gay network, they hook each other up. Stef: She's probably working for Keith Charles Security, which is also in L.A.
Riese: I hope she doesn't get shot.

Peggy's thinks she's about to kick the bucket 'cause she got stung by a jellyfish. I hope not, it's high time they kill someone I dislike.

Due to her allegedly impending death, Peggy needs to be sure Helena inherits Peggy's legacy properly and is no longer wearing that outfit, living in a shack in Tahiti, and not "taking an interest in the day-to-day." Helena's gonna go talk to the doctors about what's really goin' on, 'cause she is NOT paying that $75 fee to change her plane ticket back to her love nest. Yeah: Helena's still feeling like being poor is quaint and "real," which's valid ... we'll see how this goes. I think her jeans are from Old Navy.

You Look Very Nature Today:
So Shane wants to become a photographer now -- portraiture or fashion, probs. Photography's a growth industry, not much competition, excellent choice. What happened to hairstyling? Anyhow, first she wants to go to school and learn things, like about how to read, how babies are made, and the multiples-of-9 trick. Molly says Shane don't need no school, she gots to go to WORK! She's got mouths to feed! OMG ... look who's at brunchity brunch brunch!!


Lesbian Squabble #40: Come On Come On Come On Don't Be So Cruel
In the Ring:
Molly vs. Momma
Joyce introduces herself but Molly refuses to shake her hand 'cause Joyce "tried to ruin [her] father." I'd assumed it was because she thought Joyce's hand had just been deep inside her mother's vagina. Shane pulls Molly aside and gives her a talking-to: that's what happens in all divorces, if Joyce was "ruthless" that's because she's a LAWYER for Chrissake, and her mother deserves happiness just like everybody else. Also, Shane wants Phyllis to like her. You guys really you haven't lived 'til you've had a lesbian date with your lesbain Mom, it's quite something. Shane adds: "Well, if I recall, your mother wasn't too thrilled about you seeing me, and now we're all here to eat together." Shane's a pro with the high-maitenence brats, and digs Molly enough to take her Mom's side. She digs Molly like ... a lot a lot.
Who Wins?
Shane, what a diplomat! Actually, they could all win, but this isn't Ring Around the Rosies. This is Ilene Chaiken's show! NO ONE wins in the Season Finale, obviously, why else would I care? Also, Joyce looks great today, doesn't she? Seriously.


Heather: Oh wow her hair --
Just gets worse and worse.
Heather: She looks just like John Travolta in Hairspray.
She does. She totally does.
They should be like, OMG you looked sooooooo good in Hairspray, girl!


T is for Turnblad: Kit's at The Planet, rolling her eyes alllll up in her face over Dawn's decorator, who thinks the space has nice "bones," but they gotta nix that "planet" motif out front. It's like Queer Eye for the Straight Girl . Anyhow, Kit's got her own ideas w/r/t bones:

KITTISM: "Yeah I hope you choke on 'dem bones."
Then the whole gang goes to Popeye's to find out for real. At least Kit's moved away from gun violence. Then Helena appears, suddenly Kit's her secret BFF. They hug like lady and the tramp, like Zach and Kelly, like Snuffy and Big Bird. Kit explains that Denbo & Cindy bought out the Planet, but that's no big deal 'cause OMG!: "We so missed you, we so missed you!


Coffee Talk:
Helena tells Kit that Mum's in hospital and Kit asks if she'd like to have some coffee ... y'know -- catch up, since they've actually never spoken before. Helena agrees and adds: "and cookies?" and Kit chuckles, like they've been doing this since they were little rabbits on the prarie OH GIRL Kit remembers how she liked it [the coffee]. I don't know what's more confusing -- Helena's Personality Shift #3 or the fact that this time around, we're meant to believe Kit's been secretly chilling in her Top 8.

Expression: "I Don't Know About That."

Shane's at breakfast with Kermit the Frog. They're singing about rainbows. Then! Hark! Shane finds out that Molly was in the LSAT's top 2% and has therefore snagged an internship that even The Most Ruthless Lawyer in the World couldn't get. Now Shane's pissed because she is in the dark HE-UR. At least she took off her sunglasses, unlike Phyllis. My lesbo Mom does that all the time, we'll get inside and she'll be like, "Marie! Why didn't you tell me I'd forgotten to change my sunglasses!" and I'm like, jeez, what am I, your sherpa.

Lesbian Squabble #41: From Phyllis to Molly
In the Ring : Shane vs. Molly vs. Phyllis
Molly thinks her scores are a BFD and is spending the summer surfing in Honolulu with Shane. She's departing from Dock Summer Sports with Joey Potter , who's headed for a summer sailing adventure with Pacey Witter. Run Dawson run!
Riese : Since when has Shane surfed?
Kate Moennig surfs.
Heather : Hey, it's not a hobby.
: It's a lifestyle.
Also Shane is not real, and Kate is real.
They pick up hobbies quickly. She's got ADD real real bad.

Shane wasn't informed that her Big Surfing Trip took place during the same semester as Molly's Supreme Court internship. Phyllis is mad that Molly's giving up the Supreme Court for Gidget. Molly suggests: "I'm accepting your love choices, and if you and Joyce decide to get married I hope you invite Shane and I to the wedding. All I ask is that you do the same for me."
Who Wins? You know I'm tempted to say Molly's being a brat -- but she makes a good point. They're both adults now -- maybe if Phyllis didn't see herself as so entitled to tell Molly what to do, Molly would feel less permitted to do the same in return. So ... Molly wins. And so do the lifeguards who're gonna think Molly's really smokin' hot when she falls on her ass. Shane is a surfer, like Dylan McKay, 'cause they're both rebel spirits.


Keith Charles Security Will Never Hire Her Now: Tasha is the worst security guard of all time. Just 'cause it ain't Iraq doesn't mean it's lie-in-the-grass time, this isn't the 70's, flowerchild. She's staring into the horizon, listening to the jungle music of her ancient peoples, when Alice appears overhead. A lot of my daydreams end this way too, we have a lot in common. Let's do a chart of how hot I think they all are, ready?

1. Tasha
2. Shane
3. Alice
4. Carmen
5. Molly
6. Mia (not scary-skinny Mia from Season One, but new Mia)
7. Bette
8. Helena
9. Papi
10. Tina
11. Daniela Sea
12. Jodi
13. Franklin

How Many Fingers Am I Holding ... Inside of You?: That was fun. Alice asks Tasha what she's doing there on the grass, and Tasha just smiles like she's completely 100% batshit out of her mind. This girl clearly has a lot of " nothing " to do 'cause she's been working for so long. [Natalie: That's a line from Office Space , for real, see link, joke starts about 1:16 in, specifically around 1:39]

I Want a House on the Beach And You in my Dreams:
Kit's still going on & on: Helna, they missed you so much! SO MUCH! You have no idea! Actually, she doesn't, 'cause no one's mentioned attempting to contact her or even breathed a word of her former existence since her departure. It's not the same without her! Actually everything is exactly the same without her -- which, in Chaikenville, means that absolutely nothing is the same, everything changes in just a moment. Kit jokes that she might join Helena in Tahookawawa 'cause shit's so bad here in L.A. but Helena says it's remote, and she's not certain she can stay much longer, she misses the Kentucky Fried Chicken, running water and lemon polenta tarts. "It has been ca-RAZY!" around here, Kit tells her. Then she demonstrates:

Helena doesn't understand where Dawn & Cindi came from, but Kit explains right away: "From hell, by way of Miami." I'd give her another Kittism, but I'm trying to do as little graphical work as possible. Plus, Jesus rose today or something. I'm Jewish I dunno. Then something even crazier happens -- Maidservant Cindy approaches the duo, makes lusty eyes with Helena, and ... apologizes! She's mesmorized by Helena's tan, just like we are.

Lover Cindi: "I'm sorry for what she's doing. I would've tried to stop her but she's -- she's crazy."
Dawn: "Cindi, babe, I need you to do a few things. Can you get over here please?"

Seroquel for Everyone!:
Okay, if Dawn's legit crazy, this just stopped being funny. Ilene cops out to crazy too often, it's easier to write off Dawn as simply "insane" than to really flesh out a character -- and, if that character is truly mentally ill, we'd like to understand how that's working, when that started, and so forth ... like Adele, what's her damage? This is a basic rule of creative writing -- simply "crazy" isn't interesting enough on its own, you must do the expository work. Sigh. Ilene.

The Pressure of this Life Is So You Can't Be Held Accountable: I take it back about Tasha being a bad employee -- in fact, she quit. That's okay, she looks great in that wifebeater. Alice is dressed like she's ready for her first shift at the Holiday Inn. Tasha's meeting up with some friends from "BASIC," like JJ who used to be a cop, like Keith Charles. Tasha secretly has a lot of friends and also seems a little drunk, doesn't she?

"I know you, you're 'Hi, I'm Alice Pisecki and you're watching The Look. '"
-Tasha's friend, Karen

Uh Huh ... Her: Okay that is crazy! Like someone'd go up to Rosie and say "I know you, you're 'Hi, I'm Rosie and you're watching The View," that's a very bizarre way to claim to remember someone, like no one's ever said "Hi, I'm ____ and you're watching ____" before, like Star Jones or Papi never said it. Alice can't join them for lunch 'cause she's got some place to be. They're so impressed, they ask for Alice's autograph and when she leaves, they congratulate Tasha on bagging such a big star. If only that cunt with the clipboard could see Alice now, she'd be like "Come on this float!" Tasha smiles, looks beautiful, she can date whomever she wants with those cheekbones.

The Art of Losing Isn't Hard to Master: Tina & Jenny are having a lunch date, Jenny's asking about the movie as if she truly cares, which's noble. Tina tells her about the distributor, Jenny says that's great, and Tina adds that every day Niki comes over to Tina's trailer for fried chicken and then asks, "Do you think that's how Jenny would've wanted it? Do you think that's what Jenny meant when she wrote that scene?" Tina thinks this means Niki misses Jenny; I think this means Niki's confused all-around, never read the book, barely remembers the script, possibly needs Hooked on Phonics. Tina always talks about Niki as if Niki was a puppy. Anyhow, Jenny doesn't care, she doesn't wanna be with someone who's afraid to be who they are: "It's pathetic." I agree.

Tina: "She has a lot to lose."
"So do I. I don't have a career anymore. My agents just dropped me."
"They did? That's terrible."

Riese: Not as terrible as your SHIRT!
Zoey: Definitely Forever 21.
Not even -- sale rack Forever 21. Back-of-the-store, covered in soot, et cetera.
Knife Going In:
Why's Tina sympathetic to Niki's cause? I don't like Tina anymore. I'm taking the goldfish. She spoons Jenny some crap about how talented she is, which's code for "I miss you, come back." Jenny wonders if she should call Niki. I vote "no," she's allegedly dead to her, that's not how you treat dead people. You just pretend they never existed.

And I Was SOOOOO About to Give you my ENTRAILS, Woman: It's the "vipers don't love" scene, another classic. Niki's garbage bag is not true to life, it was a bajillion times bigger than that, and the largeness of the trash bag is essential to the dramatic/comedic impact of this scene. Furthermore -- they've combined two scenes, and I believe there's a wine bottle just begging to be thrown. And it isn't. The accent, howevs: authentically stupid.

Expression: This scene needs a wine bottle!

I Wish That We Didn't Have to Go About Things This Way:
Speaking of thrown -- Adele's kicking Tina off the set 'cause Tina's loyal to Jenny. I'd be like "Holla! Afternoon off!" Adele's become a fembot, and intones in a creepy old-movie voice, while smoking cloves suddenly: "I can't have you on set doing her bidding." Adele knows Jenny & Tina had lunch and knows they speak regularly. Now I feel bad for Tina and like her again. I'm like a fish flip-flopping in the lobster tank, whee! Doesn't Tina wonder where Adele gets this information? DOES ANYONE WONDER ABOUT ADELE?

Encircle Them They Need to be Taken Down: Helena tells Mummy about The Planet Con, and Mummy suggests: "Why don't you buy it back? Every lowlife has a price, Helena, and most likely a peccadillo or two that can be discovered, if you know what I mean."
Riese:What's a Picadilo? Like the instrument?
Stef: It's like an armadillo.
Heather: It's both.
Half armadillo, half instrument.

The Peabodys' Foundation: Actually, it means "a small sin," I looked it up. Peggy says Helena buying out D&C wouldn't be buying the friendship -- 'cause Kit and her are already best friends, obvs. I'm glad Helena's getting her money back, now Carmen and Shane can get remarried. Helena's curious what makes her "dignified" enough now to get the money back and Peggy says she's not sure, but she's gotta leave her money to someone and can't leave it to her lasso-apsos. I spelled that wrong, it's half instrument.

Heavenly Creatures:
Now that I know Alice was wearing this Irish schoolgirl getup to go on a joyride with Clea -- a fashion designer -- I'm even more skeptical about her overall intelligence. The LAPD won't stand for these crazy kittens and issue a ticket to poor cute Clea. They pause on a bridge. We pause to appreciate their matching outfits. They almost kiss, but don't, and when Alice says her relationship w/Tasha is in trouble ... well ... that troubles me. Clea's been in her situation before and she had a "love affair" and caused "chaos and destruction." But it's difficult to keep convictions when someone's so sexy and smart, like Alice. The tension is palpable. Gimme a D! Gimme an O! Gimme another O! Where's Carly with my M-E-D?!

They're gonna go whack someone in the back of the head with a bag o' bricks , I can just feel it.

Cut. Print.: Tina & Bette have a pleasant afternoon convo about first loves, the film, Jodi's party, etc. Bette keeps looking like she's tempted to bust into sign language. They should do it just for fun. Tina's describing how "Jesse" was crushed by her first love, as it was written by Jenny Shecter and brought to life on the big screen in Tina's favorite scene. (foreshadowing, the scene will clearly get cut).

Tina: "You were my first, and I thought I would die."
"I never left you."
Tina: "Yes you did. But then you came back."

Lesbian Sexy Moment #34: Be My Baby Tonight
The Players:
Bette & Tina, together again like Bon Jovi.
The Pick-Up:

"What is important?"
"You. Us."
Hot or Not?: Tina's doing something I can't figure out on Bette's lap, and Bette asks if Angie needs a baby sister. I just hope they get a surrogate this time, or adopt a foster child, besides ... they can barely take care of the one they've got.

Stuffed animals -- much more manageable.

Cop Rock:
Tasha's signed up for the Police Academy! They're pro-gay! Alice is shocked -- I'm sure she's thinking "Will I ever smoke pot in this house again?" I dated someone who later became a cop and I found we had many serious fundamental differences -- I didn't believe in the inherent justice of the law, he wanted to enforce it professionally. This is trouble for Tashalice.

Make Her an Offer She Can't Refuse: Helena, still in the same outfit, has a proposition for Cindi -- and Dawn is NOT invited to this private conversation. Cindi's face is adorable, like no-one's ever trusted her to discuss a proposition before, not even the door-to-door people with the Opinions about Politics.

It's Jodi's opening ... silly shmoozing and bad outfits all around. Jenny wants Shane to attend the wrap party and REPRESENT though Shane doth protest, Alice is wearing lingerie, no-one'll talk to Bette -- including Max. You know you're in a bad way when MAX won't talk to you. Also, when you're wearing a bean-bag chair cover from 1965:


Lesbian Squabble #42: Which of Us is Deserving, Just Look at the Human Race
In the Ring:
Phyllis vs. Shane
Content: Shane's inspecting the walls, as she so often does when in a new room. Phyllis doesn't think Shane's worthy of Molly, who, P.S., is the smartest person ever. Then she starts mouthing off about Bette & Alice's opinion of Shane -- that she's never had a relationship over six months, will leave Molly the first hot booty that comes her way, and that she left a girl at the altar. Shane doesn't buy it but then ... she does. You can't go there -- Carmen. Carmen is special territory. "Even your friends think you're no good, Shane," Phyllis says. She said it'd suck if Shane did that to her daughter -- y'know, threw her away "like a piece of garbage." This family and their throwing-things-into-other-things relationship metaphors. Shane says it's not fair to say that she'll throw Molly away like everyone else cause "no one knows that until it happens." Phyllis says that most of us possess a certain amount of self-knowledge. "If you even think you love her, spare her, don't let her turn into another one of your heartbroken victims." Then Phyllis makes a dramatic exit.
Sidenote: The camerawork here is trying too hard. If that birdcage isn't Jodi's sculpture, let's move it aside. I know why the caged bird sings, it's got something to do with Ilene Chaiken. Also: Shane should stay away from art openings and rich women, these things never go her way. It's like a parallel to Mr. Jaffee telling her he was gonna kill her.
Who Wins?: Phyllis, I guess. I think Shane might actually agree with her ... I mean, chances are ... you know? But it's not like they're engaged, Phyllis should chill.


But I'm Feeling it Now and I'm Feeling Anxious: Bette stands eagerly in her insipid outfit watching Jodi shmooze her friends and give her the cold shoulder. Jodi acknowledges her briefly before moving on to Shane, who's now 100% on Team Jodi ("I miss you!" "Don't be a stranger!" "I didn't know anything!") ... clearly she believes that Bette's been talking shit about her. 

Bette's speech is the standard hoo-ha: Jodi rocked the art world in the 90's (and Bette's body in the 2000's wink wink) with her massive "sculptures" of female body parts and domestic objects. Look, it's not the 90's anymore, no one's wearing M.C. Hammer pants, Jodi's art sucks. Tom's interpreting the speech. He should make stuff up to make Jodi laugh, she looks like someone just stuck a hot dog up her out-hole:

THIS Would Never Fly in Peoiria:
Bette's trying really hard to kiss Jodi's ass, even adding what a gift it's been to have Bette in her life as well as as a revolutionary woman in the world of turning industrial objects into massive wastes of space. Also I'm not a modern art hater -- I srsly do appreciate and often go to museums full of the stuff. I dislike Jodi's work specifically, not on principle.

She says her piece is called "CORE" 'cause it's about core values -- referencing, of course, Bette's affirmation about Tina. It'd be better if it was about the core body parts -- like your abdominals and back -- 'cause at least that'd be useful for me. I'm working on my abs, not on my ridiculousness tolerance.

Lesbians Gone Wild For Real: It'd seem Jodi's teamed up with Mark -- and whomever Adele's got stalking Tina's ass -- to create this work of "art," which consists of remarkably AUDIBLE video clips of Bette saying things like, "I love you," and "fuck me." No-one knows how to break up on this show. You're supposed to be totally sane afterwards, so that they'll always harbor regret and wonder what could have been if they hadn't been such an asshole. Shit like this just makes them happy they left your crazy ass.





This scene is one of the Top Ten Most Ridiculous Moments of "The L Word" ever. I'd make a Closer reference, but I don't think Ilene deserves the compliment. Here's our review:


Was there a sale on surveillence cameras? The afterparty -- which I can't believe anyone's actually attending -- features prominent visuals of all atendees, including Helena, who catches Dawn & Lover Cindi's eye. I love that Helena's still in that outfit, and that Dawn's reprising her earlier bra/shirt failure.

Look at Jenny's little smirk, I love her.

Lesbian Squabble #44: It's OFF Now, Bitch
In the Ring: Team Planet vs. Team Denbo
Content: Dawn's talking crazy about how they shouldn't've let a skank like Shane into the bar, even though she's got a stunner of a girlfriend, a.k.a. Helena. (She means that like "friend who's a girl") Even after realizing who Helena is, Dawn can't contain her crazy, which means she's lost it fo'real and should be injected with Ativan stat. Helena says Denbo can't kick her gang out now ... 'cause now they own this place -- Denbo's two primary investors were happy to sell out when they saw that Dawn had wrangled them in a few inches short of a felony. But that's confidential, says Dawn! What has Little Cindi Loohoo DONE?!!

Lover Cindi: How could I do anything when I don't have a thought in my head? I mean, that's what you tell people ... right? That I don't have a thought in my head?
Dawn: This is the thought in your head?!!

I Am Taken I Am Hers: Helena isn't gonna take this shit! She tells Dawn to get her dirty hands off Cindi, 'cause Cindi's ... WITH HER. I don't buy it, but I like it anyway. Go Lover Henali! Team British Pop Superstar!

Heather is surprised!


Cindi: "By the way? The name is Tucker. It's not Her Lover Cindi, it's Cindi Anabelle Tucker."

Carpe Diem, Dude:
Then Helena & Cindi go off to dance, like Marlee Matlin who CAN'T HEAR THE MUSIC. (promo's words, not mine). Denbo continues: "I was done with you anyway ... Bye. Bye now. Have a happy time," and then asks why Kit's still in front of her, the whole thing is somehow hillarious, I ROFL'ed. Kit says well Denbo can leave now. Bye now. Have a happy time.

"Or you can stay. You can do the dishes, you can clean the floor, you've got a lot of glasses to pick up around here!"

.. and then Kit does this really strange booty dance that makes me wish I could make little movie clips for y'all. It looks like something Tyra would do to announce a trip to Tahiti.


And So Keep the Light on Before Ya' Hop Into Bed: Shane & Molly are slow-dancing to a fast song, Shane's giving her the death grip like she's about to leave her or something crazy. Shane, always remarkably immature in times of crisis, goes to hit on a random girl to turn Molly off, and it works. At least they're creating reasonable pathways to get rid of the secondary cast instead of suddenly re-starting Season Six pretending they never existed.

Lesbian Squabble #45: Then I'm Delusional, 'Cause I Could Swear You Felt the Same Way
In the Ring:
Shane vs. Molly/Shane's own personal inner demons
Content: Molly, understandably, is curious about why Shane's giving "that girl" her phone number. Shane starts in on a reluctant schpeel about how they had a good time but they're different and Molly's going to school, but Molly calls her out: she knows what Shane's doing -- freaking out, being scared -- and she won't let her, she's gotta give it a chance. Shane says she never made any promises. Molly said Shane made a promise in bed that morning when she kissed Molly and held her: "those were promises." Yes she's a lesbian for sure. If that's how she feels ... chances are actually kinda high that this truly wouldn't work out. There's nothing to turn Shane off faster than projecting feelings onto her, even if they're feelings she has. She's careful with her words, but ultimately that excuses very little. Shane says "Well, then I guess you misunderstood me."
Who Wins? Phyllis, again, that woman is cleaning up tonight.

Lying's the Most Fun a Girl Can Have Without Taking Her Clothes Off ...:
I think Kate's getting bored of doing this scene over and over. Shane's got a Cherie Jaffe 'in this fucking ugly world, that kind of love does not exist' face on as she walks away, ready to eat hearts and penetrate some serious vag. No really, it's sad. But Molly's being a champ -- I almost wanna say she wins for the graceful exit.

Molly: " What do girls do now? Throw their drink in your face?"
Shane the Pimpalicious: "Yeah, sometimes they do."
Molly: "I'm not gonna do that. You don't deserve that, you deserve compassion. But I'm not gonna try to save you, that's something you have to do for yourself. So good luck figuring your shit out, um, take your time. Hopefully I'll still be around."
(Although Ilene's record with re-casting characters who've been broken up with: not impressive.)

Not Cool.

There's Beauty in the Breakdown: Bette's at home, sharing her humiliation with her lady love Tina. Tina tells her to let go of her anger with Jodi for humiliating her in front of the whole world, and Bette says the only reason she can let go is cause she's with Tina. Probs also 'cause of her relationship to the earth mother, Buddha, Oprah After the Show and the occasional Phil Donahue re-run. I like that she's letting Tina be the caretaker here. Hood of boring content and so forth.


It's No Liquid Heat Premiere But It'll Do: It's the big wrap party and everyone's there! William gives Tina the shaft. Maybe 'cause Bette & Kit are dressed straight off the Contempo Casual sale rack from 1994, or maybe it's 'cause he's with Adele, Master Manipulator. I think even William's got an All About Eve parallel. Leave no symbolic stone unturned, Ilene.

You Know We Don't Talk About that Place ... the Vortex: They ask where Molly is and Shane acts totally nonchalant. Everyone nods, acknowledging that we're all wearing ugly outfits, Shane's a playa for life, all is well in the world, and wow -- isn't Jenny a piece of work, look at her over there dancing with Begonia! JK, it's Adele. If she can't be Jenny in life, she'll also settle for analogy.

The ladies are gazing at the PDA-heavy couple. Adele keeps glancing over.

"I can't even talk about it, you guys." (Tina)

That's Right, And So It Goes:
Tasha and Cammie are chattin' it up and Shane didn't realize Tasha even drank so much, but Alice is givin' her some latitude ... almost as if she doesn't care ... then she realizes she's talking to infidelity expert Shane and requests Yoda-time ... her wishes are granted.

Alice: "I met someone."
Shane: "I knew it, I knew it! Is that why she's drinkin?"

Yoda Better Shut the Fuck Up: Alice hasn't acted on her desire ... but she wants to. But she knows she shouldn't -- why not, says Fuck-it-All Shane? Alice thinks should work on her relationship, 'cause "we all just let our relationships blow up at the first little temptation. Nobody works on their relationships anymore, we're just after instant gratification and I don't wanna be like that." Good point; look how many've blown up since this show started: Jenny & Marina, Alice & Lisa, Shane & Cherie, Dana & Lara, Dana & Tanya, Shane & Carmen, Alice & Dana, Jenny & Carmen, Bette & Tina, Alice & Uta, Bette & Candace, Tina & Helena, Helena & Dylan, Jenny & Moira/Max, Jenny & Robyn, Moira/Max & Grace, Phyllis & Alice, Helena & Catherine, Phyllis & Joyce, Shane & Paige, Bette & Tina again, Bette & Jodi, Shane & Molly, ... and so on.

Fuck 'Em and Forget 'Em: Shane says they've both given it a chance -- and maybe now they've come to a point where they realize they want something different, "and that's okay." I take that back, Shane's a good Yoda. Then she tells Alice the whole trial thing and Tasha "giving up her beliefs" has nothing to do with her, she shouldn't let that stress her out. Okay, JK, Shane's advice isn't stunning this evening. I'd say: inconsistent, generally. Although totally "Art of Happiness" oriented.

"You have the right to be happy, it's your human right to be happy ... who is she?"

And if Six Turned Out to Be Nine, I Don't Mind: The music kicks into a beautiful litle riff of "Walk on By" with "If 6 was 9" and Bette and Tina walk romantically to the dance floor, so happy to finally be alone and out together -- a night off without Angelica. JK! Who knows/cares where she is, can I honk the horn?

The ladies discuss how Bette & Tina belong together. Look Ilene, you can't win me over with another round of "Bette and Tina are made for each other." I need more! That's good, yaysers, gimme gimme gimme gimme more.

We're a Tough Crowd.

It's Like Second Life:
Bev & Nina notice the hot lovin' going on between Bette & Tina. They're like: "look, those are the women who's lives we've co-opted for our own sordid Adele-soaked purposes."

Lesbian Sexy Moment #35: This is Your Last Love
The Players:
Tina and Bette
The Pick-Up:
Um, "I'm ovulating?" They need no pick up, their love runs deep like many oceans.
Hot or Not?:
Yeah, ok.


Five Cents:
Shane's now a freelance advice-giver, looking to pick up extra clients outside. She probes her first subject: Niki. Well, Niki' sick of all those people looking at her all the time, expecting her to perform like some trained monkey. That's how I feel too, that's why I'm not an actress. She's tired of "everybody wanting me to be who they want me to be." Otherwise known as: acting. Maybe she should become a photographer.

This Old Broken Record Song: Shane says she got ahead of herself with Molly and fucked it up. You've got a vision of the future, Shane says. Then it doesn't happen. Niki says it's best not to care, move on. Or you get stuck in their bullshit and are screwed. Does Shane know what she means? "Yeah, I do," Shane says, and they toast to not giving a shit. We all know where this is going.


You Killed my Movie, Now You Will Die: William blows his last chance to exclaim "Inconceivable!" before introducing a woman he "loves and admires" ... a rising star who just signed a three-picture deal: Adele Channing!!! First off, Adele homos out by saying her first picture will star her beautiful leading lady Begonia Garcia -- who she's certain they were really after. Oh, gross, shut up.

Alllll 'Bout Adele: Adele's become a different person: she's confident and creepy. Just this morning, she says, they've been picked up by a distributor. She's got the lingo, the soul-free drive, she's manipulation personified. She thanks her inspirations, but doesn't mean it. We know this 'cause she even thanks Tina, and then thanks Jenny for the "opportunity." Oh? Who's that? Monet? No it's Jenny, stepping from the wings like a dark angel from dark angel heaven...

JENNY MOMENT: "I didn't give you anything. You stole it."

The girls start cheering for Jenny. Kit yells : "We love you Jenny!" which probs won't help her sanity plea, but fine. What does help is "Gretchen" chiming in -- surrounded by her cast members, who seem to feel the same way. We love you too Jenny! Even though you've combined a doilie with your garbage bag dress for an all - around disaster. It's fine, at least your tights don't have holes, you've grown up so much.

Adele faux-respectfully hands her the microphone.

JENNY MOMENT CTD: "I realize that the movie's out of my hands now, and I hope that those people entrusted with this responsibility will honor it. I wanna thank this amazing amazing crew, who have helped me see through my vision. I wanna thank my incredible friends who I ... I really love you guys. You guys ... you guys have shown me loyalty ... "

But enough of that. On the balcony; Shane's demonstrating the opposite of loyalty.

Lesbian Sexy Moment #36: But It's Better If You Do
The Players:
Niki and Shane
The Pick - Up: The silent manatee noises of their yearning, lustful, alternately hard and bony bodies.
Hot or Not? It would be, if I wasn't so sad about it.
Jenny continues ...

"You guys have shown me loyalty ... and so much compassion."

"And friendship. And I think that's what Lez Girls is all about."

"It means the world to me, more than any other movie, or lover ..."

"Um, is Niki here?"

Some woman shouts that she saw Niki outside by the little ... something. Bodega? Podega? Cocamo? Potato?

"I realized something really important this afternoon but ... I am madly in love with someone. And it's changed the way I feel about ... all of us. Thank you for putting up ... with me."
You're welcome!

Juno sings: "I love them 'til they love me." (Not really Juno, but could be.)

Jenny: "Niki Niki?"

"Oh my God, Jenny."

"Oh my God Shenny! OMG WTF?!"

Jenny ... to Shane: "What are you doing?"
(The answer is Niki, everyone gets a thigh, a breast, and an extra crispy drumstick to go. Thanks for playing.)

Lesbian Squabble #46: I Bet It Stung
In the Ring:
Tina vs. Adele and the Assholes
Content: Tina's furious to learn they've changed the last scene. It was her favorite, she says. They should've heard her going on about it earlier, jeez. Aaron says Jesse never felt gay to him anyhow, of course not, he wants to stick his hot dog down her narrow passageway. "That is so fucked up!" Tina yells. "The guy gets the girl, the end?" She says this was the movie that was supposed to change all that. I figured it out, Adele works for the Fundamentalist Christians. Aaron thinks if the movie's too gay it's gonna alienate audiences but Tina argues it's a movie about lesbians. William says the film's full of lesbians -- chock full, actually. It's also chock full of nuts, it should be a candybar. I like Payday bars. I'd eat one right now if I didn't live in Dangerous Minds territory and there wasn't a man outside screaming at strangers.
Who Wins?: Adele.


I Saved Up all My Sunshine Just to See You More Clear:
Outside, Jenny confronts the "We Don't Give a Fuck" duo -- except they do give a fuck, I think, about Jenny. Jenny asks Shane why she'd do it, even if she thought she'd broken up with Niki. Shane: "I swear, I'm your friend." She has a funny way of showing it, actually: not so funny, funny guy. This'd be a good example of not "Fun Gay."

Jenny: "I thought that we -- "
Shane: "Jenny --"

No Conscience and a Cold, Cold Heart: Tina asks: "Just tell me one thing ... how do you do it, how do you live with yourself?" and the crowd gathers, shares opinions about "the man" bringing everyone down. But they're distracted by Shane, Best Friend Ever, chasing Jenny. Niki's chasing too, talking crazy about how they can all be friends. I think she doesn't understand the difference between "friends" and "friends plus."

"You know what, it's the ultimate betrayl," Jenny tells Shane.
Jenny continues: "You've broken my heart."

I'd say this show sometimes makes me feel betrayed, but that'd imply I ever expected anything more.

The Round-Up:
Lesbian Squabbles:
6 this episode, 46 total
Lesbian Sexy Moments: 4 this episode, 36 total
Quote of the Week: Angelica
On a Scale of 1 to 10: Done! Where did the good go?!!
After I recover from this season, I'll be back with a season round-up special. You can leave RuPaul all your worldly possessions here:

Heather is sleepy.


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