[Greetings from Slicey: Just in case you're not familiar with Tegan and Sara
(and really, how could you not be) you should really
check them out. Your ears will thank you-plus, you'll understand Riese's
Cait caught the episode before I did -- Monday morning (I was sleeping). The
night before we'd been maniacally hunting the internet for uploaded
episodes, searching YouTube like 5x11 was an easter egg (or an afikkomen)
while Crystal and Tara were partying in Austin. No dice. So ... I woke up on
Monday still unawares and Cait told me right away: "You can't recap
The L Word this week, your head
will explode, possibly it's time to quit. " [She was kidding, don't panic.]
I muttered something about how I can't quit now, 'cause people will yell at
me. So Monday night, upon our return, I gathered with Natalie, Alex, Cait
and Crystal from Australia to do this bitch.
Surprisingly enough, when the credits of our DVR-ed copy started rolling, I
lay on the carpet (my favorite position from which to pontificate misery)
and moaned: "OH MY GODDDD I am not recapping that episode!" It wasn't that
it was so terrible or wonderful, but parts of it felt ... well ...
true . To me. I won't tell you
which parts, 'cause I'm a spy, like Niki in
Liquid Heat, watch me watch me
zip around on my motorcycle, drop-kick feelings like doors, rip off my mask
to find another mask underneath.
Also, no one had sex, there was a lot of fighting, Bette and Jodi wore
matching outfits FOR THE ENTIRE EPISODE and as for the smoking gun ... omg.
What can anyone really say about that? I'm not using the word "retarded"
anymore, so I'm at a loss for words.
1. I said I wasn't
going to spell "Niki" wrong anymore (One K, not two!), and then, two lines
later, busted out with not one but TWO Nikkis-with-two-Ks. That's 'cause I
believe in the Power of Two, like the Indigo Girls.
2. "Wreaking" not "reeking"! Thanks Jasmine!
3. Everyone who writes lists/round-ups of the best parts of the recap is my
hero. That's not a correction, it's an affirmation.
4. When Bette told Tina she liked her pants, I think it was not a blooper. I
think it was in the script.
5. Someone called me out via email for my liberal application of the word
"retarded" as an insult. Generally my response to being called out for
offensive material is "you're wrong, retard," but in this case, she does
have a point -- it's like using "gay" as a derogatory term -- it's
reinforcing the concept that mentally disabled or homosexual is inherently
"bad" or "dumb." I do cringe a little inside every time I use that word, I
just like the way it sounds so much. Anyhow: no more. (Sidenote: This'll
probs work as well as the Niki thing.)
6. Someone on The L Word Online was asking about where to find my recaps
from prior seasons. All my Season Four Recaps are on The L Word Online
here (or see sidebar
on Autostraddle) I did recap Season Three on my blog -- mainly just to flex
my recapping abilities
and establish a system before starting Season Four with spell-check and a
more consistent format. They're um ... embarrassing, but
7. Marcel Proust is a French writer, his most famous book is "Remembrance of
Things Past," he coined the term "involuntary memory" or "Proustian Memory."
Among most important novelists ever.
Episode 1000: Littlefoot.
Where's Tanya/Tonya/LaToya? "Shtupping the Plumber" Anyone? Jenny's
watching a rough cut of the table-throwing scene. The Pluto Cafe has the
same wallpaper as Bev & Nina's bathroom, which's cute, never can get too
much of a good thing (sarcasm). Y'know, this could be a good movie but ... I
don't think that's what lesbians really look like, they're all so white and
skinny and rich and feminine, look at their long hair and fancy clothing!
Where's the real lesbians with big butts who listen to womyn's music and fix
their own cabinets? This is not the way that we live.
When You're Done Whining and Taking Things Back: Bev says she knows
they're all sitting there judging her. She deserves it: she fucked up. But
she was just at the plumber's inspecting her pipes wink wink, and told her
Nina's the love of her life. It'd seem Jenny's taken some liberties with
this happy ending to fit what Jenny told Niki she wants for Nina & Bev --
"they never should've broken up. " Either Jenny believes in love fo'real or
a NinaBever chased Jenny across the parking lot and threatened to run her
over with a tractor-trailer if she didn't reunite Nina & Bev.
They decide to make up and set aside time for their relationship, like for
poetry, butterflies, and vaginal penetration. Perfect, 'cause Nina's
preggers! Really though I think Elise is the one itching to be a Mom, she's
wearing a smock from Gymboree. This film'll have about as much mainstream
appeal as Go Fish , fo'serious.
Lesbian Squabble #32: I Suggest a)Midol, b)Alcohol, c)Xanax
In the Ring: Everyone! Ring Around the Rosie!
Content: At The Planet, everyone's PMS'ing. Max says Jodi's been in
touch with Tom. I'd hope so, considering he's her interpreter, I'm not
certain how she's gone on this long without him. Jenny can't stand it when
sisters fight, but Alice snaps back that Jenny doesn't have to direct today,
this isn't a scene in her movie. Which's unfortunate, this
scene could use a purple dildo or ten. Alice and Tasha accuse each other of
having PMS and Tina thinks Shane should pay attention to her own call time,
she can't depend on Tina to tell her everything all the time!
Who Wins? Apparently Max and Kit do, as they share a trannie/post-menapausal
moment about not having to go through PMS anymore. In fact, Kit says "I
second that emotion," which's um, AMAZING!
Lesbian Squabble #33: The Ballad of Dawn and Lover Cindi
In the Ring: Denbo & Lover Cindi vs. The Planet
Content: Denbo & Lover Cindi, super-stealth spies, tracked down Ivan,
who owns 51% of The Planet, and bought it. Wouldn't Ivan ask Kit before
doing that? Jeez, Kit's life on this show has been one unpleasantry after
another. That's fine, Cindi & Dawn will have to answer to Jesus one day, and
we'll see what happens then. Tasha tells them to get the fuck out of there,
'cause she's Captain Williams from the army. Kit reacts by upturning the
table, which's fantastic, there goes another 2% of The Planet down the tubes
(table, chairs, food, dishes, glasses, etc.). Cindi & Dawn say they'll be
back with a decorator 'cause the place needs a "serious makeover." When Kit
storms off, she looks like she's got a gimp leg or a hot dog stuck up her
poonany, just sayin'.
Who Wins? Evil evil people with no souls all over the world.
And Ivan, she was apparently delighted to sell out her share of The Planet.
Not Cool, Double D.
Is it Better Than Keeping My Mouth Shut? Jodi strides in, ominous
double bass begins. You know in high school choir, they'd tell everyone to
wear a certain color scheme, like red & black, and everyone does their own
thing? Bette & Jodi appear to be rockin' that concept today. The matching
outfit situation will continue to grate at me for the remainder of the
My Sick Guilt is So Unwelcome:
Tina: Jodi, I am so sorry.
QUOTE OF THE WEEK #1:
Jodi: Why is she talking to me? Doesn't she know I'm deaf?
Dentist Appointment, Anyone? Ilene copy-pasted Bev & Nina's
opening into this scene -- Jodi wants to spend time together, so Bette
reschedules her morning meetings to talk it out, which indicates she's
feeling guilty, or possibly also concerned about professional repercussions.
Specifically she asks James to reschedule her meeting with Phyllis -- big
relief to Cybill probs who, along with Clementine, wasn't under contract for
this episode. Bette tells James to tell Phyllis she's got "wicked PMS."
Surfing the crimson wave, where's William?
Jodi understands if Bette needs to go to work. Silly Jodi, no one on this
show actually needs to go to work!! Bette says it's okay,
her "relationship" with Jodi is the most important thing in the world to
her. I don't think that's true. Then she gets into her Lexus RX350, which I
suspect is slightly more important to her than Jodi.
Your House or Mine I Don't Really
Care About it Anymore: Max asks if Bette and Tina are moving in
together, Tina says they aren't making any plans 'til Bette talks to Jodi --
they're trying to do it right, carefully, responsibly this time. Learned
from their mistakes, perhaps, or concerned about Ange? Shane commends Tina
for her maturity and holding back so long. A text informs Tina of a mix-up
with a morning meeting and everyone's concerned about Adele's behavior for
different reasons. Now Tina's actually gotta go to work! She's like a doctor
with a pager. Max is now keeping his thoughts to himself, re: Adele. Like
Lesbian Squabble #34: But I Didn't Mean To Break Your Heart
In the Ring: Bette vs. Jodi
Content: I'll just um, tell you.
Jodi: You don't get to do this. You have no right to be the
one who does this.
Bette: I'm sorry.
Jodi: Sorry is bullshit. Sorry is when you step on
someone's toe, not when you crush them and chew them up and spit them out.
Bette: I never meant to.. I never meant for this to happen.
Jodi: What happened? I don't even know what's happening.
Everyone else seems to know, but I am in the dark here.
Did you and that woman fuck?
Bette: I don't know who you're talking about.
Jodi: Did you fuck her? Are you fucking? How long has this been going
Bette: It's not about fucking. (Bette looks sad, holds her
head, wants to cry)
Bette: I don't know how it happened. I think that, Tina and I we just,
we just never really finished and we have Angelica.
Jodi: I know you have Angelica.
Bette: It's not just about Angelica. We have so much
history, and there's ... I don't think that we realized how strong the
connection ... and there's just still so much that hasn't been resolved.
Jodi: And fucking her resolved it?
Bette: I told you --
Jodi: I know. It's not about fucking -- I know
Jodi: Are you
in love with her?
Bette: It's very complicated.
Jodi: Of course it's complicated. I asked you if you love
Bette: Yes. I love her.
Jodi: Do you love me?
Bette: [closes her eyes to deliver this potential lie]
: Yes. I love you. I do.
Jodi: Do you think it's possible to be in love with more
than one person? Can you love two people at once? ... [suddenly
changes relationship philosophy] No, no, no ... I don't think it's
possible ... [goes and sits down next to Bette] I know that
I love you to the exclusion of everyone else. I'm going to fight for you. --
Jodi, That is
What We Call A Bad Idea.
Get Me Out the Door, Out of Bed or Onto Track, I'm Not Sure: Alice &
Tasha are house hunting. Tasha's not into living somewhere with rent eight
times her Long Beach place, but Alice says they don't have to split it down
the middle. If she gets the gig on The Look, they'll be rich! Alice:
don't count her chickens before they hatch, 'cause what if they're podcast
chickens and not television chickens, that's a lot of chicken, let's go to
Boston Market, hi-ho-the-dairy-o! Alice hopes Tasha bleeds soon. She will be
when you go to KFC and get some sporks and have a poking party. I mean, when
she gets her period. America Voted, and the results are in:
QUOTE OF THE WEEK #2: "I hope you bleed soon. I really do." (Alice)
I Used to Be a Superhero, No One could Touch Me, Not Even Myself:
Jodi never wanted to love somebody this much. This isn't her style, and it's
one thing to be disarmed -- when you're normally the one with armour around
your heart, thick as thieves -- and another thing to be disarmed and then
fucked over for it. It confirms that style you clung to beforehand; all the
protecting, the walls.
I Make Myself Unhappy So You'll Go: Jodi tries to make out w/Bette, and
Bette sticks in it long enough to be polite but can't do it for long -- she
Time You've Got me Running: Tina's about to text Bette that she misses
her and hopes it's not too awful with Jodi when she's interrupted by a
stunning woman in a bandana! Sam's conversational & friendly, and asks how
the bike ride was. "Hard," Tina says, and she's not just talkin' about Tom's
boner for Max.
Sam: Well, you're in good shape.
Tina: Not really. Not how I thought I was.
They agree that Jenny's talented and they're making a great movie, which's
just in time for Aaron to call them into the conference room to fire Jenny.
Fasten Your Seatbelts, It's Gonna Be a Bumpy Board Meeting:
Tina's like "What now?" Surprise! Adele has the sex tape. Aaron's number
one feeling seems to be, "This is the best video I've seen all day, so much
better than the Nina-Bev feelings-fest."
Purple Tie's #1 feeling: "So that's how girls fuck!"
Manager's #1 feeling: "That reminds me of this one time in band camp ..."
Jenny's #1 feeling: "That was a private tape."
Adele's Number One Feeling: Rat.
I Can't Believe I Let You In:
Purple Tie snags the tape from the VCR. Adele says that there's 25 more
copies, all logged, addressed and ready for shipping to Leno, Letterman,
Fox, Ellen, Perez Hilton, and all these other people who may or may not have
actual interest in screening a sex tape. I mean, really, Ellen?
She's gonna be like "OMG, this nice woman from Wisconsin called me and
has a cute dog, let's interview Ashton Kutcher, who wants to dance, let's
watch Jenny and Niki fuck with a strap on! I don't think you're ready for
Give Me the Video!
[after Adele shares her superior logging/editing/shipping skills]
Riese : She learned Final Cut way faster than I did.
Cait: I know, I'm just saying can she do our movie?
[about Uh Huh Her]
Adele says it's not about what she wants, it's about this "incredibly
important and powerful and significant" film that has the power to change
hearts and minds and change the lives of millions. It's like Lez Girls
is the new LSD. Adele says it ought not be tainted by the inexcusably
reckless and "entitled" behavior of the very few people entrusted with this
opportunity. Never fear, Jenny's gonna call William and tell him how
disgusting Adele is. That'll be a big news flash. Unfortunately, Adele's
been working all season to establish William's trust and she's already got
him in her lair: "He agrees with me that the situation's become untenable."
Suddenly Adele's busting out with all these three-syllable words, that bitch
is out of control.
I Think It's Best We Do A Little Bit of Stopping: Jodi's on top of Bette
trying to get it on. It's kinda hard to watch. The phone rings, Jodi
develops super-hearing-powers and hangs it up, lest it distract her world of
deafness. Bette pushes Jodi away.
Lesbian Squabble #35: I Want Your Lungs to Stop Working Without
In the Ring: Jodi vs. Bette
Bette: Where are you going?
Jodi: To go kill myself.
Bette: Please, please don't do this.
Jodi: Let me go, please let me go.
Bette: I can't let you go.
Jodi: Why, can't you make up your mind? I thought you wanted to get rid
Bette: I can't let you go when you're threatening to kill yourself.
Jodi: I'm not going to kill myself over you. Don't flatter yourself.
Bette: Jodi. I really care for you so deeply, and I am not going to walk
away and just turn my back on you and let you hate me. I'm going to fight
for this relationship.
You Won't Get Better Til You Get Worse: See, um, Jodi, as soon as you
start threatening suicide, you auto-lose, that's a low blow, it's unfair,
it's unkind, it's mean. Also, Bette, your usage of the word "relationship"
is troubling. Clearly Jodi's got a lot of feelings and you shouldn't fuck
with the fire, this is going someplace terrible fast, I hope Kit's hidden
the gun. I think Bette just doesn't want Jodi to not like her and say mean
things about her to other people, is what it is. Also ...
Ach! Her shirt's still unbuttoned!
Alex: Oh my GOD it's driving me crazy!
Cait: I know, I know!
Riese: Get your shit together, Jodi!
I Went So Crazy I Didn't Know What
To Do: Bette says she's gotta go to school and she has meetings and
Jodi says Bette needs to have respect for her. She's talking crazy. "I'll
come with you to school and we'll talk when you finish your meeting." Bette
says okay. You guys, I have this weird feeling that this isn't going to work
Who Wins? Um. Tom, he got the day off for sure!
If Love Is Surrender, Then Who's War Is it Anyway?: Back on the
happy-go-lucky set of the most important movie ever made That Will Change
the Life Of Lesbians Forever, Shane's fluffing Niki's hair while ominous
music plays. Jenny storms in dressed like the trenchcoat mafia. Not the best
way to rally a crowd of Hollywood sheep, but she probs didn't have enough
time to cross-stitch a petticoat for herself today. Jenny tells Niki that
"someone" is trying to extort the production using the Pink Ride tape. Kevin
tells Niki to get away from Jenny and Jenny points out that Kevin don't care
about Niki, he just wants his paycheck. That's true. Apparently he's not
alone in this emotion.
Jenny Moment: I want you guys to know what's going on here. That
these people, they're treacherous, and they're soulless, and they're trying
to ruin this movie! ... So if anyone has any integrity -- come with me! You
can come with me -- you can stand up to these people! So who wants to come
with me? Who's with me?
Alex: I'm taking the goldfish! Does anyone get it? I'm
taking the goldfish!
Riese: Yes, Jerry Maguire, it's time for Dorothy to stand up and go--
Alex: I'm with you!
Lesbian Squabble #36: What The Snowman Learned About Love
In the Ring Basically it's Jenny vs. Adele, but its' really Jenny vs.
Content: After Jenny's speech, the only person who's with her is Shane,
because Shane's the only person in the room with a soul, which is why I love
Shane and hate the entire world.
I mean, seriously, all these people work in Hollywood and you expect them to
have souls suddenly? It's just like Jerry Maguire . Also!
Jenny's not allowed to suddenly have morals and expect everyone to change.
But maybe this is her big revelation: that she thought the system was on her
side, but it's not. It never is. Tina wants to walk out with Jenny to show
her support. Jenny asks Niki to come with her but Niki won't. She's under
contract. Jenny's heartbroken. Sidenote; her hair looks bad today, it's like
my Samantha doll.
Who Wins? Satan.
Sam: "How are we supposed to film without a director?"
Aaron: "The director is here."
Everyone's totally chill, like "let's roll." Which goes to show you that
they don't have souls, like I said.
Lesbian Squabble #37: I'll Come Get You, And I'll Say Welcome
In the Ring: Alice vs. Tasha
Tasha: Our relationship will be out of balance if you pay more than half
of the rent.
Alice: I will be out of balance if you make me live in a shithole.
Tasha: A shithole? This is nicer than anyplace I've ever lived in.
I LOL'ed. And I get it -- and I think Alice's right. If she's making more $$
than Tasha, then the percentage of her income spent on rent will be
identical to Tasha's. And it's not 'cause Alice works more or harder (then
it'd be out of balance), but 'cause she works for The Man and therefore
makes more money. Also, I think Tasha's unemployed, but I imagine she'll get
a good job sooner or later, or possibly never, 'cause that'd be easier for
the writers than having to explain why yet another character is always at
The Planet. I wonder how much Alice's paying for the hallway and sitting
area she currently lives in. Why doesn't Tasha just move there?
Speaking of Not-Shitholes, Let's Talk About my TIVO!: Alice says
they'll talk about it after her taping but Tasha didn't know that Alice
wanted her to go to the taping, she was looking forward to going out to Long
Beach to see her friends. You know, her real friends who live in shitholes.
Alice should hire her at OurChart, that seemed to solve all the class
tension between Max and the gang.
Who Wins? That remains to be seen.
Lesbian Squabble #38: I Scream So Loud You Call the Police On
In the Ring: Tina vs. Jenny
Content: Jenny's gotta get outta this place! To the trailer! Get away
Tina! Tina makes her calm down and listen up: don't do anything to
retaliate, talk to your agents, then later talk to Niki if you wanna. She's
like a Kindergarten teacher all of a sudden. Unfortunately, Niki is dead to
Jenny, so unless Niki has an intimate relationship with the special effects
guys and waterfalls, they won't be having a conversation any time soon. Tina
needs time to figure out how to fix this. The way she's enunciating, it'd
seem she needs time to remember her lines, let's get on with it.
Who Wins? They make up! See, sometimes fights end in hugs
and declarations to change the future of lesbian moviemaking for everyone.
They're like, "it's our movie!" OMG, it's like OurChart! Our Movie, Our
Chart, let's all be friends plus right now!!! It is their movie though
'cause it's about them. Like, for real. About them. Not about Bette though,
she's made that crystal-clear.
If My Life Were a Movie There
Would be a Sunset and the Camera Would Fade Away: Adele is directing
the Begonia/Niki love scene, she's being really creepy. Niki keeps fucking
up, but Adele walks her through it step by step, like a creepster who's
watched too much lesbian porn or possibly read
Lez Girls and
Some of her Parts a million times. She tells Niki to close her eyes
like she's not in control of her own body. Maybe that's how Adele sleeps at
night, I dunno. "Not my fault, not in control of my own body!" Adele goes:
"That's nice," like a TOTAL WEIRDO.
Tina calls Bette and leaves a message, "Where are you? I really need to talk
to you, you won't believe what's happening here!" I'll tell you what's
happening: Adele's been watching carefully. Watching ... and waiting ... to
Also Though About
The Look is doing a
fashion week show about a "super hot super androgynous" new designer. The
important part of this scene is how cute Alice is, even though she happily
employs the label "femme," which irks me. Alice adds that she's "totally
girly girl, dresses, girlish pumps," and then kicks her leg in the air,
which's the closest thing we get to a sexy moment all episode. Then she amps
up the camp and exclaims: "Thank you, but bring on those boyish babes and
their hot fall fashion! Whew!" Really, she's a natural, it's kinda
unnerving. I guess this is "fun gay."
Alice: "Oh come on Mary, you know you wanna try it, all you
straight girls do."
Hassleback: "Well, I don't."
Alice: "Tsk tsk doth protest too much."
Hassleback: "Well I don't know what you're insinuating but I'll have you
know not everyone is gay!" Alice: "And thank GOD for that!"
You told her to out someone every week, what did you expect. Also I'd like
to remind everyone where Mary's haircut comes from:
It's true, though, that line from Shakespeare or wherevs about doth
protesting too much. 'Cause like, if you do -- then you probs are, hello,
look at all the Evangelical Christian dudes who end up sucking cock in gas
stations all along the Bible Belt.
Mr. Redacted: Kit's going crazy. She gets the gun
from the safe and stares at it like she did with that vodka bottle last
season to debate drinking it. I won't say anything about other things she
could do with that long, cold metal object, because I'm not like that. She
loads the gun. Kit has a lot of private struggles.
Natalie: What's going on? I don't get it.
Riese: this doesn't make sense, don't worry.
Alex: 'Cause it's Kit, that's why.
Cait: Are those bullets on layaway?
Man! I Feel Like a Woman: Androgynous butch fashions, apparently, are a
dab of Pink Ladies (interesting) with a slash of Annie Lennox (appropriate).
The Ladies ask Clea what inspires her to dress women ... she's a fashion
designer, and almost all fashion designers design clothing for women,
because women are half the population. Except the Men's Warehouse Guy. He's
a Man's Man. For the purposes of setting up sexual tension between Alice and
Clea, Alice randomly asks Clea about underwear. Kinda rude, actually, if I
were Clea, I'd be like "Really, my clothes were that bad that now you just
wanna talk about sex?" But I guess that's Alice in Lesboland for ya. Maybe
Clea's her outing of the week. I could go skiing on Mary's hair. I think
Alice and Clea should take the Cosmo romance compatibility quiz.
Alice : So
let's talk underwear. What do you like women to wear under your clothes?
Clea: Well, I like boxers or briefs because it sort of makes you feel
like a 14-year-old boy.
Alice: Which is liberating for women ... and totally hot!
[YEAH! 14 year old boys! Bring on the acne, voice cracking and random
erections! I am Cornholio!]
Clea: I think it's also hot to wear lingerie under men's clothes.
Alice: I think it's also hot to wear
Clea: Oh definitely! Those are the hottest fashions, all
the cool androgynous girls are wearing them. In fact, that's how I won the
GenArt Fashion show and got this cute accent!
Alice: OOO! You look very Shane today!
Clea: Wait a second, I didn't say this in the show. Is Riese making
Alice: Look here, you Smokin' Hot Piece of Automatic Australian Ass,
Riese can say whatever she wants, she's been typing for 24 straight hours
and is eating her fourth string cheese of the day.
Clea: OOO! I love string cheese!
Alice: I love time travel!
Clea: Wanna see Riese -- and Alex's ass -- in Autostraddle Briefs?
Alice: Oh do I EVER!
Let's make out!
Alice: I can't, I love Tasha!
Alice: OK, I just hope she
doesn't bleed all over us. You know how women, once a month, get a special
visit from their "Auntie"--
Clea: I'm from New Zealand,
not the moon, weirdo.
Alice: Let's get out of
this fake dialogue that Riese is making up and onto the next scene, then
Riese can have another string cheese.
The Moral Is Listen to the Two-Spirit: Tina's on the DL about why Jenny
got fired, which doesn't make sense, clearly Jenny's gonna tell Shane later,
they're besties. It's probs her new Facebook status: "Jenny is PISSED about
getting fired for expressing her sexuality!" Shane apologizes for leaving
Tina w/o a hair-fluffer and girl-flirter but Tina says it'll be fine. She's
just worried about Niki and I suppose consequently her golden tresses.
Shane's like, "Fuck Niki!" YEAH! That's right! Tina defends Niki; it
would've been a breech of contract, she had no choice, but Shane's like, um,
bullshit. I agree. What about the contract between humans and their SOULS?
What about LOVE CONTRACTS? Oh well, better she knows now that Niki is a
twat. Should've listened to Max is all I can say. He's an oracle, just like
the trannies of
yore. Seriously I'm not kidding. I feel like I talk a lot of crazy in
If Things Go Well I Might Be Showing Her My "Oh" Face: Jodi and Bette
are in Bette's car, stuck in traffic. Natalie thinks this is like
Office Space , but I think that's just 'cause she watches
Office Space every night and thinks everything that happens
in real life is sort of like Office Space. Seriously, every
night. If they go to a restaurant, Nat'll probs be like "OMG, just like in
Office Space when they eat in a restaurant!" Bette should turn on NPR just
to piss her off, and then laugh when Ira Glass makes jokes. JK, i love deaf
people. P.S., I think Angie escaped from her carseat.
Hmm ... like Office Space ...
Kit's driving to SheBar to pull a Pulp Fiction, this scene makes my eyes
bleed. She calls Bette and tells her ...
Kittism: "Bette ... I'm in trouble. I'm gonna do something BAD."
If I got that message, I'd be a little bit confused. What happened when
Bette DID get that message? That was never addressed, how strange,
The L Word is usually so on top of everything. Speaking of
Night of the Living Vortex: OMG JAMES IS BACK!
Obviously he rescheduled all Bette's meetings, because he is James and he is
perfect. W magazine wants Jodi and Bette to do a cover as
the art-power-lesbian couple. Bette says it's her favorite magazine, which
obviously James already knew. Jodi's a hot mess -- Bette
says no to the mag, Jodi says yes. Who cares, did anyone else notice James'
super-cute Canadian accent all of a sudden? Maybe it's Minnesota. I don't
know. Rewind, replay, you'll see what I'm talking about.
Alex does a headstand for James!
1995 Called, It Can't Find Its
Hair Gel: The Look is over, thank G-d, I'm sure
Mary's hair was begging for sweet mercy. Alice asks, so cute I could die:
"Do your cheeks hurt from all the smiling you have to do?" but they're
robots who've just powered off and cannot speak. They exit. She continues:
"Can I get a water? ... no? No? Okay."
Is That An OB In Your Pocket Or
Are You Just Happy to See Me?: Alice leaves some crazy housewives of
Orange County fans to talk to Fashion Girl, who nervously invites Alice to
her Venice boardwalk fashion show. Sparks fly, then Clea says: "I think you
have a fan." Alice turns around -- it's Tasha! Tasha doesn't wanna meet Clea
Mason, she don't care about that shit, which I love about Tasha ... but
still, I'm not sure this'll work in the long run, sigh.
Alice is surprised to see her. Tasha got there late -- phew, she missed the
flirtdown. Alice sometimes does things without realizing it -- like flirt
with a girl and then be totally overjoyed to see her actual girlfriend as
though she's not flirting.
Password on Sleep!: Jodi is using Bette's
computer!!! OMG that is so not okay, I'd be having a total
panic attack, I've got this hot strap on sex tape on there. JK. That one was
for All About Adele.
Cait: Why is Jodi still in Bette's office?
Riese: 'Cause she's going cray-zeee and is afraid if
she leaves Bette alone, she'll go snog Tina.
Talk about micro-managing.
Lesbian Squabble #39: We Are No Scarlett and Natalie, Woman.
In the Ring: Daffy Duck and Bugs Bunny, Elmer Fudd and Miss Piggie, Your
Mom and My Mom, OMG, this episode is not bad-- like it's pretty well-written
-- but it also just like hurts .
Content: Bette says they can't be in the piece, 'cause it's
dishonest. It's about couples and they aren't a couple. This isn't
complicated, it's like how I can't be on the cover of Ranger Rick 'cause I'm
not a raccoon, but Jodi doesn't get it 'cause Bette used the word
"relationship," not friendship, when citing what she wanted to fight for. I
think Bette did that to be manipulative. Jodi suggests therapy but Bette's
had enough therapy. She's been like twice but I get it, sometimes being a
lesbian feels like constant therapy. Jodi could perhaps use some solo
therapy though, just an idea.
Bette: "Jodi, I wanted so much for this relationship to
work. I love who you are. I love how you stand in the world. I love your
talent, I love your passion, I love your anger. But you and I are just
fundamentally different. We have different core values."
Jodi: "What are my values?"
Bette: "It doesn't matter. It's not a judgment. What matters is that
there's been something missing for me, something that is hard to define. And
I have been desperately trying to create this thing and just looking for it
but I ... I've been just flailing. And I realize now that you and I ...
we're never gonna find it."
Jodi: "How do you know?"
Bette: "Because I have it with someone else."
Who Wins?: Tina,
"Tibetters" everywhere. Not actual Tibet the country, they're not winning
right now. But Tibette, the movement. If you like Tibette, perhaps you'd
also be interested in helping
of Tibet the country, things are really bad right now. Genocide against
peace-loving people. Just throwin' it out there.
If You Go, You Go: I have nothing to say about this speech besides that
the familiarity was unnerving ... let's move right along -- apparently they
DO have a nanny! James said Melissa's got 'food poisoning" (that's
nanny-code for vicious hangover) and can't pick Angie up from playgroup.
Bette calls Tina.
Why Do They Always Look Like
Rabbits?: The cast of Lez Girls did NOT sign on to do an
Adele Channing movie. They signed on to do a Jenny Schecter movie, the most
prestigious director in town. I'm guessing they're also annoyed that they
never got the lesbian sex coach. Um, also, Adele's last name isn't Channing,
it's Harrington -- maybe this is -- OMG! -- a Margo Channing reference! Get
it? Get it? The puzzle pieces clicking into space? Fishy. OMG it's like that
movie Office Space . Wait, no it's not. It's like
Eve, as I've said all along. Tina says it happens all the time,
directors get replaced. Then Bette calls re: Angie @ playgroup. Tina can't
get her either but they don't talk about how to actually get Angelica, I'm
sure she likes playgroup and will be happy as a clam there. I hear Jenny's
schedule just opened right up. So did Shane's. Jacks-of-all-trades, those
Really Papi? This whole scene is one big kittism. Seriously. Kit
stealthily creeps into Shebar, witnesses Dawn telling Lover Cindi she wants
some Lovin' before showtime (Showtime: No Limits!) and then, just in time!
Bette calls about needing someone to pick up Angie from playgroup. Jodi's
probs super bored since she can't hear anything. Kit says she'll do it, and
then she makes eye contact with Lover Cindi, and in that moment, everyone's
life changes dramatically.
Probs Auto-Straddle Boy Briefs: Jodi has a lot of problems. She wants
to go to Bette's and get her jewelry and her favorite underwear. I don't
know why you'd leave your favorite underwear at someone else's house, but
I Was Gonna Go to Work, But Then I Get High: Shane and Jenny are toking
up, the background music is "Changes," a soul song that features the lyric
"only women bleed." Get it? LUNAR CYCLE? They're so cute when they're
stoned, these girls. They just need a little relaxation clearly.
Jenny: "Never again am I going to avail myself to somebody
with such generosity and an open heart and teach her everything I know."
Shane: "You can't let Adele to do that to you."
Jenny: "No, I'm talking about Niki."
Oh Life! Was Supposed to be a Film! Was Supposed to be a Thriller! Was
Supposed to End in Fire! But Life Turns Out It's Nothing But a Dream, And I
Don't Miss it When It's Gone: Shane says that Niki is a whore who
should be on the cover of Maxim. Luckily she already is on
the cover. Jenny says it's okay, she's over Niki, fuck that bitch, Niki is
dead to her. Unlike Shane, who's very much alive and they're giving each
other flirty eyes. Or stoner eyes, depending on how you'd like to interpret
this scene/life. Shane points out that Niki's an actress and therefore a
liar, another good point from Yoda. Jenny keeps switching who she's talking
about (Adele/Niki) but really the bottom line is they both fucked her over
... although I think that's karma for being such a twat at the season's
start, ... even though as you know I love Jenny. Shane says Adele is a
snake, I think she stole that from Survivor .
Cait: That is the most comfortable hoodie ever.
Riese: You can just feel the soft fabric on your skin ... omg ...
Jenny: "You do?"
Shane: "I think you're a real survivor. Ever since you've
got here -- seriously -- you got knocked down a few times but look at you
you got back up and you wrote your story and you put it out there -- that's
big. I haven't done it."
The Butter Melts Out of Habit, The Toast Isn't Even Warm: You guys! It's
just like me except I haven't finished my book yet! I think everyone forgot
that Jenny's been through some shit ... yeah, she's been unbearable, but she
didn't come from paradise. Though Ilene destroyed the impact of Jenny's
psychological reaction to her rape via carnival flashbacks, it's still quite
something -- to live through, to speak of later, and publicly. Shane sees
that. Which's why Jenny and Shane are secretly in love. Hey ... where's
Molly? I do like Sholly, but it feels a little doomed 'cause Phyllis has a
lot of bad feelings about it.
Honey You Are Safe Here, This is a Girl-Girl Thing: Jenny says Shane
didn't have to go with her today in solidarity -- Jenny's been humbled today
but okay let's be real here, clearly Shane never wants to go to work. But
honestly, that's true -- she didn't have to -- and Shane's response is also
true: "You gave me my job. You're my best friend. You know that. It's the
truth." They have a moment. A Shenny Moment. I'm ready for them to get
together, they'll be the new Alice and Dana ... and just like that, it'd all
make sense in retrospect.
I'm So Unwelcome, So Unwelcome : Finally the Breakup Talk
from Hell is over, and Jodi says Tom's coming to pick her up. Bette wants
Jodi to read her speech -- she's clearly scared to lose the intellectual and
professional relationship that works so well with Jodi -- but Jodi doesn't
seem enthused about favors. Jodi gives Bette a box -- "This was gonna be
your birthday present." I wish it was a music box with a ballerina in it.
The L Word never acknowledges holidays, besides Angie's
half-birthday. Oh wait, I think Alice gave Tasha a watch once -- popular
gift (Remember Tim's stopwatch?) in WeeHo. Bette picks up Jodi's gift (also
a watch), strokes it like it's super meaningful, like it's a poetry book or
a mix CD. It's a watch. Is this product placement? I'm confused. I hope they
celebrate Administrative Assistants Day, 'cause Tom and James could use an
overpriced timepiece to sell on ebay.
Tiresias: Jenny & Shane are in a little cuddle-puddle of cuteness
when Max walks in all, "Hey guys!" in his flannel. Jenny goes: "Max, the
oracle." Shane "Max, you're the shit. I gotta listen to uh -- you." Max says
that they're so stoned. Jenny says that Adele has fucked her over and offers
her cannibis. Max is totally nice about it. He's the Oracle, he doesn't need
them, he's the seer, he's gonna go hang out with Zeus or Oedipus or whomevs.
Fuck y'all mortals.
I think I Officially Have Max's Haircut.
Happiness is NOT a Warm Gun: Kit's got some interesting coping
strategies. Now she's talking to herself and preparing food, yelling to
Angie "hang on, baby girl," as if Angie's in the other room banging on a
pot, threatening to run away if she doesn't get her pudding. But when Kit
enters her office: oh! the horror! Angie's found the GUN and she's aiming it
at Kit! I think Angie's got a future in self-defense and archery. This scene
is stupid. I was just glad when it was over. Except that Kit dropped the gun
in the trash bin outside, and like a commenter pointed out, she's gonna be
in TROUBLE if someone takes that gun and kills someone with it, as it's
registered in her name.
I Love You, You Love Me, We're a Happy Gay Family: Kit ushers Angie
back to safety in her swaddling arms. Angie babbles incomprehendably. She's
the cutest baby in the world, I want to eat her cheeks. Back inside, we all
enjoy the warm fuzziness of the part where they talk about what "A DAY"
they've all had! Mommie needs a drink! The "all in one day" technique is one
of Ilene's favorites.
Bette: "I promise you that Dawn Denbo and her lover Cindi are not
gonna get their hands on The Planet."
Kit: "You know that's not what's important, what's important is this
beautiful baby girl and her wonderful mommies!"
Tina and Bette are going home ... TOGETHER. Let the bed death begin! JK, I
think they'll be alright, those two, they're in it for life. Been around and
come back to each other. Okay let's all hold hands and sing now. My head
exploded about forty minutes into the episode, I've got no idea where it is
There was, strangely
enough, no moment in this episode appropriate for the "LOL!" photograph.
Lesbian Sexy Moments: ZERO this episode, 31 total
Lesbian Squabbles: EIGHT this episode, 39 total
Quote of the Week: Alice & Jodi
On a Scale of One to Ten: Zero sexy moments, eight squabbles. You do
the math, I clearly cannot.
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