[Greetings from Slicey: Just in case you're not familiar with Tegan and Sara
(and really, how could you not be) you should really
check them out. Your ears will thank you-plus, you'll understand Riese's
recaps better.]
Of all foods: french fries. Of all
underthings: boybriefs. Of all girls: Shane. Of all cheekbones: Tasha's.
Of all L Word writers: Angela Robinson. Of all cities: New York City.
Of all songs: "Just Like Heaven," by the Cure. It's just ... such a perfect
song, and the last song I ever expected to hear during an L Word sex
scene! I was ready for some woman with a lot of feelings to start moaning
about topics such as: be-be-being your love, the weakness in her, lonely
loneliness, going quietly, wanting to return in spite of all the damage
she's done or everything being perfect now. Why wasn't this episode titled
"Love Song"? Was "Lifecycle" bike-brand product placement, or a reference to
Chaiken's ovulation cycle? I don't know. But you guys: this was the longest
episode of all time! 10,000 things happened. This recap took so long to
write that I'm secretly hoping there'll be no Season Six. Or that I'll have
a replicant by then? Like in Bladerunner?
[Sidenote: There will be a Season Six. I'll start accepting intern
applications in December. Required skills include: screencapping, spelling,
patience, tent-building abilities.] From a Showtime press release:
-----------------------------------------------
LOS ANGELES, CA – (March 10, 2008) – SHOWTIME has
renewed the critically-acclaimed, groundbreaking lesbian drama THE L WORD®
for a sixth and final season, it was announced today by Robert Greenblatt,
SHOWTIME’s President of Entertainment. One of the network’s longest running
series, THE L WORD® will culminate early next year in eight final
episodes, marking the end of an era chronicling the lives of these iconic
characters who have played a pivotal role in changing cultural perceptions
of lesbians and the transgender community on and off screen.
Production will resume in early summer.
-----------------------------------------------
This week was a
big week for the vortex: not only did Carly emerge to view with us, but Dana
Fairbanks came back to life for the Pink Ride.JK, Dana's still dead. Ride
on. Speaking of the land before time, this week's viewing party, which was
also a pre-birthday party for Alex Vega (We're gonna be in Austin during her
actual birthday next week), was attended by Alex (obvs), Carly, Cait,
Crystal from Australia (not pictured), Littlefoot, Tinkerbell, Riese ... and
... RUPAUL! What young lesbian doesn't want a
RuPaul doll autographed by RuPaul herself for her birthday?
*
**
"This Week
In Corrections" is sorta becoming "This Week In my Opinions."
--
1. I hang out with a lot of pretentious people who think they're smarter
than everyone else. They've mostly read Proust.
2. Clearly I haven't read Proust, how can I when there's a brand new issue
of Teen Vogue on the
newsstands every month?
3. JK, I read actual books when not recapping this godforsaken show. Which
is ALL THE TIME. But I'm too dumb for Proust.
4. Everyone's got a lot of feelings about Kit -- harmless stereotype OR
nanny-fucking motherfucking parody of her-sel-ELF ruining the lives of black
people everywhere? Firstly -- and I clarified this on the TLWO comments --
when I speak of Kit and say "amazing" I mean "ridiculous." Her character is
over-the-top and, I imagine, quite offensive. I celebrate her various
degrees of stereotypical faux-"ghetto"-speak with Kittisms -- my celebration
is tongue-in-cheek, y'know? And I think the problem -- much like it was with
Papi -- is not so much that nobody actually talks like Kit, but rather that
they spend so little time on each character that they all end up as
caricatures, empty shells riding stereotype all the way into one confusing
relationship after another.
5. That being said, I think this show's got other representation issues
(Asians? Actual Latina actresses? Totally fucking up Max's storyline?) more
pressing than Kit's linguistics, and I think
television in general has issues far graver than Kit's
linguistics w/r/t racial representation.
Kit's got a successful musical career, she's recovered from serious
alcoholism and she owns her own business. Have you seen
Being Bobby Brown?
I'm not saying "it could be worse!" but ... well ... it could be. (Sidenote:
I've never seen that show, actually, 'cause this is the only show I watch. I
just read a lot about the teevee.) Everyone on this show is ridiculous.
Anyhow, do something about it if you're offended: write Ilene. Here's a
good link for resources on ethnicity-focused media
studies.
6. But I do think that proper media representation is important for
marginalized/minority populations -- the perpetuation of ethnic stereotypes
on teevee is highly relevant and does very much affect our societal
perception of said groups.
But hello, no one cares about Kit anyhow, she's not having sex with girls!
7. Briefly, re: my opinion about transsexualism and transgendered persons. I
believe our culture could benefit from a more flexible continuum of gender
expression, which includes men who believe they were (incorrectly) born in
women's bodies keeping those biological bodies. We need these super-"manly"
women. The (self-described) contradiction between one's sexual
organs/appearance and their psyche is not a
problem requiring
surgery-- it's beautiful, interesting, and necessary. Go paradox! There's a
long spiritual tradition associated with "middlesexed" persons, p.s. It's
awesome for "Moira" to change her name and live as a "man" -- I fully
support that, and subsequently feel that the corresponding sex reassignment
surgery cheats us all. I know plenty of women who feel their souls are
skinnier than their bodies, but they're not all getting lipo. Surgery's a
first-world option that actually re-enforces our culture's highly
limiting/damaging existing strict gender dichotomy rather than challenging
it. Let's make progress! Let's break away from "man" and "woman" and
recognize a spectrum that doesn't require either-or biology to be valid.
That being said, I don't judge -- to each his own. I'd date a person who'd
had reassignment surgery, I just think it's dumb. Maybe I'm just jealous
'cause I want a new chin, I feel like a person with a better jawline on the
inside, no one understands me! Also I realize that for MTFs it's often
related to avoiding
hate crime , so
that's different.
Read:
mutilating gender .
8. They had rolling blackouts, thus no air conditioning. I had this
revelation during the show, just forgot to say so.
*
You Went Away, 'Cause You Said That You Can't Stand Me: Within
the first two minutes of Episode 510, the following major vortex-crashing
events occur: the entire gang, by participating in the Pink Ride as TEAM
DANA, acknowledges Dana's prior existence in this cruel cruel world ... and
... Tasha mentions Papi. Really, Papi? Really. There's no
specific details explaining her disappearance (perhaps chronic yeast
infections resulting from promiscuity or a quick escape to La Isla Latina
with her first love Carmen), but the name-drop alone is enough to trigger
head explosion. Then again, maybe Tasha was just talking about her Dad.
Maybe She Started Makin' Trouble in her Neighborhood: So, this is how
Papi comes up: Alice & Tasha, lookin' FINE in biker pants, run into Tasha's
old friends, the Coco Girls, who Tasha & Papi used to shoot the b-ball
outside of the school with before Tasha joined "the service."
Henrietta's, Ginger's, Cattyshack, Cubbyhole, Nation, Chueca, Nowhere,
Club Social Vida, Club Remix, Rubyfruit, Metropolitan ... what am I
missing?: Alice asks, "Who's Coco?" What if Tasha had responded, "Um,
chocolate?" But no -- it's a gay club downtown, Alice's surprised she's
never heard of it. After all, who needs Coco when you've got (cue plugging
music) She-bar! She-bar! So many flavors and co-lors! And the Pla-net!
The PLANET! The Planet is the funnest bar in town! Tasha explains it's a
"different scene." Look, I dare you to tell me about any "lezzie clubs" in
NYC, regardless of ethnic attendance, that I haven't heard of or been to.
All the girl-nights are listed in go-nyc, right? Am I just sounding whiter
and whiter? I can't dance, but that might just be 'cause I'm Jewish. Moving
on. The girls ask Tasha to come chill later, she says "no doubt," and they
bust.
UPDATE:
-Anonymous Commenter has informed me of "Bum Bum" in Queens.
-Also I just remembered when my [not-white, obvs] then-girlfriend invited me
to this ethnic lesbian drum circle thing she was playing in that was in
SomewhereFarAway, Brooklyn, but I'm not sure if that was a lezzie club or if
it was just lesbian for that event. It was not a drum circle either, it was
like a dance party. Also it took about two years to get there.
-I forgot to mention "Snapshot."
-Chris just pointed out that I forgot to mention "Lovergirl NYC" which's
funny, too, 'cause I've actually been to it. But that's not the name of the
bar, it's the name of the event, right? It says it's at "Cache" on GoNYC,
which I didn't include, so I'm retarded. It's true.
Y'know: I really like Tasha. Not just for her cheekbones, but for her spinal
cord too. I was cringing -- worried that Tasha would reject Alice around her
friends to avoid being shunned for being with Whitey McWhitersecki but
Tasha's not ashamed of who she is or of her choices. She's uncompromising
and strong, which should be good for Alice who prefers selling out. What are
they doing together? Oh right, they wanna fuck each other. Works for me.
*
Niki (sportin' a Girltrash t) and Jenny (sporting Heidi-hair, prepared to
bicycle into the mountaintops singing milkmaid songs w/her little goat
Sounder III), are ampin' up the PDA, and Tina's unimpressed. [Note: In the
interest of consistency, I've continued to spell her name with two "K"s all
season, but I now accept that it's only one "k," and will adopt this policy
eternally.]
*
Lesbian Squabble #29 : You & Your Breasts, You RAISE That
Awareness.
In the Ring: Jenny vs. Nikki, Out 'n Proud
Content:
Tina: Nikki, what are you doing here?
Niki: I'm raising awareness for breast cancer. Did you know that 1 in 10
women are diagnosed --
Tina: YOU are supposed to be in L.A. doing the cover for
Rolling Stone magazine!
[I guess if Jenny gets a story in The New Yorker , Nikki can
have all the RS covers she wants]
-----------------------------------------------
Alex: "She's wearing pigtails you guys. Um, who brought
that back originally?"
Riese: "You did, Alex ... before Heidi, before Lara Ingalls
Wilder ... before anything ..."
Carly: "Since the dawn of time ..."
-----------------------------------------------
Adele's rescheduled, no
worries! Niki says the RS man is hot for Adele: "Jenny made Adele hot and
now Mario's totally hot for her." Adele defers, Jenny asks if Adele's gay
(um, hello, yes, that's why she's psychotic about you), Tina's gonna get
fired if Jenny & Niki are seen together, but Niki says it's not like they're
gonna be having sex on the side of the road (I think she'd be surprised what
Jenny can do on the side of the road, have you forgotten Honeymoon Roadtrip
Season One or Boira/Jenny Stun-Gun Road Trip Season Three?) and anyway,
she's got a solution relative to her overall genius: she'll put on her
sunglasses, then no-one'll recognize her. See:
This plan works for
about half a second. Before you can say "girltrash!," she's already snapping
photos with fans. This entire scene is cute and well done, I love the little
Adele-Jenny-Niki dynamic here, it works. I love Angela Robinson.
Who Wins? Well, Tina says she quits, which's funny. But I think she's
just being dramatic, you know how lesbians are.
*
I Love to
Watch You, Honey: My head's gonna explode like the Uh Huh Her song
"Explode." We've acknowledged Dana & Papi, Alice's wearing cute bicycle
pants, Tasha just earned two minutes of actual backstory (most characters
were birthed the moment the show began, except Tina, she doesn't even have
parents, she just appeared. Who knows where L Word
characters come from?
They just
appear! ) (And Tina's enforcing a similar parenting spirit upon
Angelica, who she's seen approximately once in the last six months), and now
Kit is saying something so good and so not retarded that it might even be a
nominee for quote of the week ...ok. So.
What Do You Care if You Want To: Shane's not happy to see Molly, but
Molly says she can "support boobs" if she wants to. OK now she's
ready to support boobs! Last week, she paused Shane-Sex to acknowledge their
oddity. Molly's an IPEX bra now, rousing the whole crowd with "Yay! Boobs!"
Which's cute -- just like her unstyled hair. Already not doing your hair?
Defo a lesbian. Fuck Richard, he doesn't even have hair. RuPaul does, she's
got beautiful hair!
*
Don't Walk Awayyyyyy: Look at this, about 100 things happen in this
episode and I've already taken 500 tangents. Anyone enjoy eating squirrels?
Who do you think would carry the baby, KC or Elka? Discuss.
*
Too legitimately
funny to even be a Kittism, QUOTE OF THE WEEK:
"You flew all the way up here? Shane, Shane, she flew all the way up here to
keep fightin' wit' you, girl! That's true love! That's true love!"
(bikes off) "
-KIT
*
Don't Walk Away!: Molly says she knows it's slightly stalkerish (hey,
look at Adele, you could be following Shane with a crimper and some Biosilk)
but if Shane could just listen to her ... yeah, that's not gonna happen.
*
"I'm the uneducated one, remember? ... I don't wanna be your fucking loser
fuck buddy I really don't. I don't want you to pity me, I don't want you to
save me, I don't wanna be your fucking teacher into the gay world, I don't
want any of it. So just ... just go home."
-Shane
*
-----------------------------------------------
Carly: "Get ready for Shane's wrath!"
Riese: "... and then she just put on her Atom-Ant helmet and negated
everything she just said."
Carly: "Yeah now it's over."
-----------------------------------------------
Don't Walk Awayyyyyy: Shane just stood up for herself against a
pretty girl, as if she cared! If I didn't know any better, I'd call that
"character development." Oh, right, Angela Robinson wrote this episode, I
think it might be actual character development.
I Cried So Hard You Pushed Me Further Away: And they're off! Shane's
in the lead, followed by Team Coco. That'll last for about a minute, Shane's
legs are about as wide as two hot dogs walking through a hallway. Ha ha. I
just made myself LOL.
*
I Get So Sad That Sad Gets
To Be: Bette & Tina -- already having feelings. Look, I'm inventing a
new acronym, it's "FOF" for "full of feelings." I think Bette may already be
tearing up. Then Bette rides up next to Tina, and the cutest thing of all
time happens:
Bette: Hey, I need to tell you something.
Tina: (FOF) What?
Bette: You look ... really great in those pants.
Tina: (laughing ) "Fuck you ... fuck you."
*
And I've Been Juggling Two Women Like a Stupid Circus Clown: Tina
doesn't want Jodi to know they've been screwing around behind her back, she
doesn't want anyone to know. It's okay for Jodi to know they talked about
it, but that's it. Probs 'cause she doesn't wanna be judged like her Father
in heaven is already judging her. I wonder if these are the kinds of
thoughts Lance Armstrong has when he's riding. Bette agrees, besides she
doesn't know ASL for "Itotallyfuckedup," which's what "hearing" people say
instead of enunciating all those words, therefore increasing their potential
impact.
*
But Races Are Seriously Way More Fun Than Rides: The Coco Girls ride
up to Tasha, calling at her to ride with them. Alice is jealous: "it's a
ride, not a race!" I can't tell if she's scared she's gonna lose Tasha to
people who understand her ethnic background (a legitimate fear) or if she's
scared she's gonna lose Tasha the lady that was flirting with her at the
start.
-----------------------------------------------
Carly: "Is that thunder I heard?"
Riese: "Yeah it's gonna rain on their parade."
Carly: "Don't rain on the bike parade."
-----------------------------------------------
*
If You Wanna Be My Lover: Fans wave at Niki on the side
of the road and Shane asks if it ever bothers her: no, it's funny. Niki
wants the deets on Shane & Jenny's friendship -- where'd they meet (Bettina
Sperm Party), have they ever hooked up? ("Fuck no") and, if not, why not?
After all, Niki points out, "friends are always hooking up." For example,
her and herBFF The Midge. "Not in this case," Shane says. Niki adds that
Jenny's beautiful, Shane's "not so bad herself," sooo ... basically Niki's
reading my mind. Why haven't they hooked up? WHY NOT?
But really, what's going on here? Is Niki executing pre-jealousy, or is she
trying to get into Shane's hot little pants? Seriously, I'm reconsidering
her eligibility for the MacArthur Genius Grant:
"Just because you can, doesn't mean you should."
-Shaneism, re: hooking up with your friends.
*
It took me a long time
to learn that too, and I actually did go to college, so that's that.
College fucks you up.
Somebody's Gotta Say It:
"Fuck, my pussy is soooooo numb!"
-Jenny
Single White Heterosexual Bicyclist: Jenny asks Shane to do
something about her stalker. Hi Pot, it's me, Kettle. Shane says she don't
gotta do nothin' bout her stalker, but Jenny says she do, 'cause that
bitch's been following her around for 30 miles. Jenny & Niki are so cute,
they've missed each other during these ten minutes apart!
*
Hey! It's a Ride, not a Race! Molly challenges Shane to
a race -- if she wins, Shane has to listen to her. She better be careful,
Shane's not messin' around, that girl's been like Surprise Flash Gordon so
far in her Free City pants. Shane consents, but Molly can't seem to wait
'til she wins, she's ready to talk NOW (*cough* lebsbian), and so she begins
as they ride. I think this counts as a lesbian squabble, carried over from
earlier.
*
Lesbian
Squabble #30: A Twisted Elbow Crush Song
In the Ring: Shane vs. Molly
Content: Look at how cute Molly's little face is. Shane's so serious,
she's a little beast when she's riding something. Also, she's got serious LL
Cool J pants going on.
Who Wins? Molly! She can tell she's losing, so she yells "I love you,"
which makes Shane stop (this wouldn't be the first time she's heard a
premature proclamation of love), and Molly passes her. Shane's pissed 'cause
she cheated. Who cares, says Mollly, she still won. See Shane, that's what
you
could've learned from an Ivy league education -- it's not how you play
the game, it's if you win or not, e.g., George W. Also, Shane's ass hurts,
which's odd, 'cause she doesn't have an ass.
*
Lesbian Sexy-Sweet Moment #31: Silly Banging Knee Song
The Players: Shane and Molly
The Pick-Up: See below.
Molly: "I know I'm a disaster, but you have to listen to me
because that was the bet."
Shane: "Make it fast."
Molly: "I don't know if I'm gay, I don't know if I'm straight, but I
know that I wanna be with you."
Shane: "We had terrible sex."
Molly: "No! It was great ... for me! You don't just get on a bike and
know how to ride it -- same with riding a girl! So I freaked out, big deal!
You've just been with so many girls you don't remember your first time. Well
guess what? It was my first time! And it was great! It was better than with
Richard, and with guys, and with anybody, and I'm really really really into
you and I swear to you next time I will so go down on you!
Shane: (semi-horrified) "Molly, Molly,
you're making a scene -- please -- seriously why do you wanna be with me?
Think about it because you've been using me to get back at your mother the
whole time --"
Molly: "I haven't! I haven't been using you. I've never flown to the
Pacific Northwest to chase a girl I barely know, and i'm here, and I'm
really crazy about you and i need you to give me another chance even if I'm
still awful in bed. I know that I'm still Gay 101 but I'm a
really fast learner and before you know it I'm going to be graduate level
gay and fuck law school I'm gonna get my doctorate in fucking gay!"
The Look ... The Kiss.
*
I'm A Car Crash, But I Have To Get Up: Tearing up a little.
It's that love-despite-all-odds thing, if I could get on top of feelings
like this in real life, I'd be golden. I don't even care that suddenly the
entire Team Dana is there from god-knows-where -- cheering, and that's
inherently corny, and has never, seriously, never happened
in real life except that one time in the Macaroni Grill when someone
proposed with a ring on top of a cannoli, and we were getting paid for that.
Yay! Shane, yeah, kiss her, love
her! I mean if this DID happen in real life, everyone would be sittin'
over there just judging the fuck out of everything. "This isn't gonna work
... " "You know how straight girls are ..." "I give this three weeks ..."
"Molly's such a snob, she's just trying to piss off her Mom ... " "Hey,
speaking of her Mom, I'm familiar ... " "Shut up, Alice, this isn't
The Look ..."
*
You Are my Sunshine: OMG, I'm tearing up like a lesbian nun getting
kicked out of church. I've got so many feelings I need Kit's headscarf to
keep them all in.
-----------------------------------------------
Riese: "What is that scarf on Kit's head?"
Cait: "I'm sure her hair would get really upset under that helmet."
-----------------------------------------------
*
Is There More to Life Than Love And Being Together? I wonder if Bette
feels especially connected to Tina right now 'cause of Dana -- when someone
you love dies, it's often hard to connect to new people who didn't know the
dead girl. Unfortunately, this is a teevee show that's virtually ignored the
grieving process, and where the F is Tina? Maybe she's with Angelica. haha.
JK. Baby girl can take care of HERSELF.
Trail of Tears: Alice puts the Team Dana pin on the Wailing Wall.
They light a candle, sad music plays. These are the days of our lives, like
sand through an hourglass. They're all riding for Dana. Except Molly(where's
Molly?), she's riding to get her doctorate in Gay 101, 'cause riding a bike
is hard like riding a girl. Or something.
I find it hard to
believe this is the best photo they could find of Dana. Who was in charge of
this? Max? Did he internet search that photo?
*
O, Pioneers!: In order to ensure I feel maximum feelings, the sad
music continues across serene wilderness landscape shots. Then Jodi and
Bette stand serenely in said wilderness ...
All We Need is Some Hot Wheels and/or a Basket: Jodi wishes Angie was
with them today. Ambitious! You don't just get on a bike and know how to
ride it. She's like, two? Right? Ange can barely even walk, she thinks rats
are puppies, let's not rush her. Maybe that's Angela Robinson telling Ilene
she wishes Angie was acknowledged.
Guess What? IT'S MUSICAL MONTAGE TIME!!!!
*
*
you better work.
*
*
-----------------------------------------------
Riese: "What's with Max? He's totally wearing a
rollerblading helmet."
Carly: "He's like, 'I'm a dude now. I need a dude helmet.'"
-----------------------------------------------
*
*
*
*
*
Adele, stop touching
everyone, it's not getting you any closer to Jenny's poonany.
*
*
Alice loves peeing on
camera.
*
*
*
*
*
You Say Dana, I Say Camping! The gang's setting up their
tents at a nice stretch of grass I believe is "the campsite."
Kit is a woman after my own heart:
Alice: "Isn't there a hotel or something we can check
into?"
Kit: "And rent a car so we can drive the rest of the way?"
Replace 'Alice' with 'Riese' and 'Kit' with 'Cait,' and you've got "what
would happen if we ever did this crazy thing." Haviland's not in that
dialogue, she'd never wear a helmet for 170 miles, and Alex would seriously
be having a grand ol time, probs hopping around the grass with Littlefoot
and RuPaul.
*
-----------------------------------------------
Cait: "What is this place?"
Riese: "Camp Onawana."
Cait: "It's kinda serious."
Carly: "Listen, it's VIP."
Cait: "Oh, they called ahead?"
Carly: "It's velvet rope."
-----------------------------------------------
The Way You Were: Alice asks Tasha where she's been, obvs she's been
on the other side of the tracks w/the Coco Girls, catching up on old times.
Tasha says they should all hang out later, but Alice doesn't feel right
about leaving her friends to hang out with Tasha's friends. Errr, it's not
really fair to expect your girlfriend to love your friends but not be
interested in returning the favor. It's not like anyone's gonna suddenly
start actually talking about Dana or anything, "Team Dana" is just a figure
of speech. I think Alice is afraid of black people, which I think is Kit's
fault.
[KIDDING!]
*
Add North Face to the 'Gay-Friendly' List: "What is this, the Taj
Mahal?" Tina asks when she sees the chateau that Adele's put together. North
Face must also be hot for Adele, 'cause they gave Niki & Jenny a fancy tent
in exchange for a photo of Niki in front of the tent, which seems like an
unimpressive ad campaign.
Sold. Get me a backpack.
*
I Learned Sign
Language in Two Days, You Think I Can't Put Together a Tent?:
Bette's not gonna let Jodi set up that tent for her, c'mon,
"I'm not an idiot, I can follow some simple instructions. I'd appreciate it
if you wouldn't second guess me." Then obviously the tent collapses. This is
like Bette and the No Good Very
Bad Day. Also, I'm surprised that Bette wears Uggs, though they are
quite comfy. Jodi's nearing the end of her proverbial rope with Bette's
moods. She can't possibly have PMS every day.
-----------------------------------------------
Carly: "Jennifer Beals is wearing Uggs. Write that down."
-----------------------------------------------
*
Shane did not expect company when she chose that tent.
*
Well I'd Spend the Night and I'd Lose my Mind: Shane's tent
is too bullshit for Molly, she can't possibly have "advanced placement
lesbian sex" in a pup tent Shane picked up at Costco (on sale). This girl is
used to lecture halls and seminars.
-----------------------------------------------
Riese: "Maybe she could've saved some money on that $800
bike and $200 Free City t-shirt and $300 pants --"
Cait:
[clearly actually knows]
"Those pants cost $385 dollars."
Riese: "However,
getting into those pants? Priceless."
-----------------------------------------------
Animal Farm: It's Class
Wars. I don't understand how these girls can be friends w/Shane and not feel
bad that they're in North Face Temples while Shane squeezes into a
clearance-rack pup tent. Help a sister out! This is reason #400 why I could
never live in West Hollywood, where I guess it's fully acceptable to set up
a mansion for yourself while your BFF sleeps in a pup tent. [Yell at me
about that stereotype, I dare ya.]
*
Taj My-Ass: Sholly exercises their jealousy by making Jenny's tent
collapse, which's actually more of a punishment for Adele than anything. As
the tent comes falling down, Jenny yells: "Adele! Someone's trying to kill
us!" which is reason #456 that I love Jenny. Who's she gonna call when Adele
tries to kill HER?
*
I Hope I Never Figure Out Who Broke Your Heart and If I Do:
Jodi's helping Tina put up her tent, 'cause she just wants to put up
anyone's tent! She just wants to participate like a hearing person! G-d, I'd
hate to be Tina -- she's like the eleventh wheel on this couples voyage --
and Bette's there with her girlfriend, Jodi, and now Jodi's asking Tina for
advice about Bette's moodiness and OCD. Tina knows exactly what's wrong with
Bette, which makes this scene uncomfortable for everyone.
And If I Do, And If I Do: Jodi asks if Angelica is okay,
which's funny, we were just wondering the same thing. Tina says she's fine.
By "fine" she means "probably dead in a box of Wheat Thins." Jodi's like
"Oh-kay." Then Jodi hugs her, which's really awkward. Tina decides to hide
in her tent. Good call, I'd totally do the same exact thing, I hope she has
a book or two, I suggest "The Loner's Manifesto."
-----------------------------------------------
Cait: "Where were the tents when they were riding the bikes?
Riese: "They were with Papi."
Carly: "Angus and Angelica and Papi are carrying the tent."
Riese: "There's ten Mexicans behind them with sherpas."
Cait : "Riese! You can't
say things like that on the recap."
-----------------------------------------------
Try and stop me! 99% plastic, 1% woman!
*
ARSON! ARSON!
*
I Also Love my Blackberry, FYI: The gang's sitting around
the campfire, and Alice is getting the scoop on Adele -- does she ever stop
working? (No) When is The L Word over (never), G-d, doing
those recaps takes so long Riese you're always
busy, why do you do it (good karma), why don't you stop (chapstick for
brains)? Oh wait, sorry, sometimes I accidentally transcribe my friends'
dialogue instead of the show. Okey dokey, questions for Adele: Gay or
straight (depends)? Seeing anyone (no)? Planning on becoming famous and
therefore being an a candidate for next week's outing on The
Look ? Adele confirms she's single (if she had someone, they'd feel
super neglected, like boyfriend-from-the- Devil Wears Prada
style) and mostly gay. I've got a lot of questions for Adele too, none of
them are addressed here. Alice wants to set her up with someone. She'sprobs
hoping to pawn her off onto the flirtatious Coco Girls.
Alice: "That's what these rides are for, curing cancer and
one night stands."
Adele: "I prefer to just focus on my work."
Alice: "Come on, that's boring."
Adele: "Okay, alright, there's somebody that I have my eye on."
Alice: "Who?"
Adele: "It's a secret."
I give up on everybody. Adele literally hasn't spoken to anyone
since she arrived on this show besides Jenny & Jenny's people. She has a
Potential Crush Pool of "1."
*
I Spy Bette! I Spy Tina! Bette and Tina are givin' each other googly
eyes. Bette's probably wondering where Tina's hiding under all that puffy
coat. Kit says she hopes Bette knows what she's doing. Obviously she
doesn't, hello, it's Bette, the most Emo Type A of all time.
-----------------------------------------------
Riese: "Kit, stop eating."
Carly: "At least she's not drinking."
Riese: "That's true ... I guess that could be Angus in her
mouth."
Carly: "Kit's gonna punch a bear in the face and be like
whatchu doin' here?"
-----------------------------------------------
I Just Want to Be Bad: Niki "cuts in" in line at the
showers, which's mega annoying, I'd hwap that bitch in the face, I don't
care how pretty her face is. Shane says she's glad Niki & Jenny worked it
all out and Niki says she "totally loves her." She also totally loves the
mall, surfing with her friends, and that coconut smell you get after going
tanning. Oh, and she loves love and unicorns. Niki asks about Molly and
Shane says she's a sucker for a pretty face."I thought you were hard to
get," Niki teases, and Shane's like noooo ... obviously, she'll sleep with
anyone, I thought we had consensus on that. "Not hard to get, just hard to
keep," Niki comments.
Either Niki wants to fuck Shane (but then again, who doesn't), wants a
threesome with Shane (again -- who doesn't?) or wants to be Shane (and don't
we all). Also, she'd like to get a good look at Shane's goods and/or count
her ribs:
Subtle, Subtle, Subtle ...
*
"What Are You Thinking About?" Is
the Most Annoying Question of All Time : Tasha's thinkin' about how
she had these friends, and then she had the military, and now she doesn't
know what she's doing. Alice, in super-cute Alice voice, says Tasha just
needs time to adjust and figure things out. They should hire her at OurChart.
Tasha: "What do you want to happen?"
Alice: "With what? When?"
Tasha: "Like in the future ... I mean, do you want kids,
you wanna stay in L.A., what would be your ultimate career? Just questions
..."
Alice: (teasing) "Just little questions
... I guess I want kids eventually, but not now."
*
-----------------------------------------------
Riese: "Well, we've actually got a baby up for grabs --
Carly: "And she's half black!"
-----------------------------------------------
I Want to Draw You a Floorplan of
My Head and Heart: Alice asks Tasha what
she wants. Tasha wants to
be with her. In fact, she wants to move in together. Don't they already live
together? Pop Quiz: where does Tasha live? I dunno, never seen it, she's
always in Alice's Hallway. Tasha says, "This is serious stuff, dontcha
think?" and Alice jokes, "I'm not leavin' you alone in the tent anymore,
we're supposed to be making s'mores!" That's cutie-pie. I'm still not
entirely sure what these two have in common, but they're both pretty and I
think this is the longest episode of all time, my eyes hurt.
*
It's Like Oregon Trail! Shane and Molly ditch the campfire
'cause Molly's hungry and don't want no pup tent marshmallow. I guess
they're gonna go eat some spam or kill a deer or something. Or they're gonna
eat each other out.
Lesbian Sexy Moment #32: Is It Alright For Me to Feel This Way,
Put Your Head in my Lap, the World Will Go Away
The Players: Shane and Molly
The Pick-up: Shane, re: the tent/privacy, says "Hey, I
tried," and Molly says, "Not hard enough, obviously." Molly got the sherpas
to let them into some shack, I'm not altogether sure what's going on, but I
also don't really care, let's get naked.
Hot or Not? Shane looks nice in red, doesn't she? There's
no music -- just breathing, and crickets. Molly asks for tips. Shane says
"breathe through your mouth." While we're on the topic of "basics for
living," I'd like to suggest three meals a day. Molly's given beejers
before, why's she acting so revolutionized by this suggestion? Shane's gonna
have to be like "Okay, good with the breathing, now here's my clit."
I like it when Shane surrenders. Everyone's being cute & lovey in
this episode. Absolutely won't last. But for now: hot.
-----------------------------------------------
Carly : Hey new girl,
nobody hit your buzzer.
Cait : Oh,
Carly.
-----------------------------------------------
Vega makes Littlefoot and Rupaul fall in love too.
*
Toys in Babeland:
Jenny's pulled out the handycam to record Niki's First Time Receiving a
Strap-On. Clearly this is a set-up for a sex tape scandal, doesn't Jenny
read Gawker or spot tabloid headlines at Kroger's? Did Jenny fall and hit
her head on a rock? Wear helmets, kids. Niki doesn't know what to do with "a
purple penis" 'cause she's "not a dude." Well, she's also not a Ninja
Warrior, but man Liquid Heat
kicked ASS best movie EVER 12 mil from now on! And also, I believe
her memory of sex with a dude should be pretty effin fresh right now. Strap-ons
are really expensive, I hope Nikki's appreciative.
Hellooooo TMZ!
*
Lesbian Sexy Moment #33: One Night in Niki
The Players: Jenny and Niki, future You Tube stars
The Pick-Up: That'd be Jenny -- "Do you like fucking me?
Well, you're just gonna fuck me with that." You can always count on Jenny to
bring out the (relative) kink.
The most important part of this scene is that they're playing "Just Like
Heaven" by the Cure,
best song ever.
*
In the Evidence of It's Brilliance: Niki wants to direct,
and Jenny's "scared" that Niki'll be a bad director. Safe bet, Niki's not
exactly a genius, but she seems to know a thing or two about sex scenes: she
tells Jenny to take off her clothes, Jenny drops some sexy French words that
probs mean "fuck me with a strap-on," Jenny does a convincing petulant
schoolgirl ("What do you want me to do?") and even pauses to say: "You're
beautiful," which I think is maybe a Paris Hilton throwback, I couldn't
watch that Paris Hilton video 'cause I felt like I was violating Paris's
privacy as we are very close friends in my imagination. Jenny returns the
"you're beautiful," and it's a nice sweet moment for everyone, eventually
the whole world will enjoy this exchange.
The Magic Push-Off Bra: Niki asks Jenny to take off her bra, but then
suddenly her bra's back on again and she's whipped out the stilletos.
Apparently the Adult Emporium, as well as North Face, is sponsoring this
vaycay, I hope Adele's gonna snap some photos later. I hope she got a free
Pocket Rocket out of the deal. Or something.
Hot or Not? It's playful and
pretty and gorgeous --
Jenny advises: "Take off your pants, that's the only way you're gonna get
your actors to listen to you!"
(Is this gonna be another Helena-Dylan type situation w/the video?
'Cause I will just. Die.)
Jenny teases, "How are
you gonna fuck me," and Niki says "Like a man."
You know what that means: "quickly and without eye contact, get on all fours
now."
(JK, I love dudes, many of them are very skilled in bed. See, I'll make fun
of everyone -- all genders, races, sexualities -- I'm an equal opportunity
asshole.)
*
Niki's not sure if she's "in," 'cause that's true, it's a strange sensation
not to know exactly what's going on when you've got a plastic dick instead
of a nerve-ending-packed love muscle.
*
She gets the hang of it pretty fast.
Those significant quadriceps, and so on.
*
Like riding a bike. Like riding a girl. Like riding on a dream of starshine.
*
Hot or Not? Niki's all
squirmy and cute and wearing a white button-up men's t-shirt and cute
glasses (throw on some boyshorts and you've got hottest girl-outfit ever),
Jenny's in a glittery black bra, there's a strap on, fucking, and exposed
thighs, there's confessions of loving one another ("so much" even) ... hot.
Almost all the sex scenes have been hot this season, although it's possible
I'm just losing my mind.
*
Speaking of losing one's mind ...
All About Adele: Adele's standing outside smoking a joint and/or
cigarette. She's approximately one sexy moment away from going batshit crazy
on everyone. Fuck riding FOR breast cancer, y'all better get on your bikes
and ride AWAY from Adele STAT.
*
I'd Like to Read That Thesis: Shane gives Molly an "A+," which's
Shane's way of saying she knows how grades work. Molly asks Shane if she'll
visit her when Molly returns to law school but Shane says she doesn't like
the cold 'cause she's got no body fat whatsoever. Shane's interested in
Molly's life/dreams now, asking about what kind of law she wants to go into
and subsequently expressing surprise when Molly says she wants to be a
public defender.OO! OOO! Shane knows what that is. "Defending the little
guy!" (subtext: "Like me, when I was a skinny male prostitute.") Shane says
she'd never expect that from Molly, but Molly says she's full of surprises.
I hope one of them is being a vampire or a mafiosa, that'd be a fun little
twist.
*
Lesbian Sexy Moment #33 ctd.
These girls have great manicures, very long-lasting. Do people w/o
body-image issues (e.g., Jenny) really do it with bras on? Why? There's
multiple ominous camera-shots of the video camera, I'm scared it's gonna
grow legs and turn into a Gremlin. I used this technique in my 11th grade
opus "Easy," about a young man struggling with his sexuality and therefore
contemplating suicide -- indicated, of course, by a series of cuts between a
shot of the distressed protagonist staring forlornly at his sad future and a
shot of the razor on the sink. In retrospect, that razor barely shaved my
legs and couldn't've killed a cockroach, let alone a homo. La-di-da.
*
Goosebumps: Alice is telling a ghost story, but I can't tell it to
you because it's too scary. JK, because it was stupid enough the first time
around. The ghost story's protagonist goes to stay in a cabin in the woods
...
Kittism: "Why do white people always do that shit?
Especially when they know some crazy spooky shit's gonna happen to 'em!"
*
How'd she know the guy was white? 'Cause Alice said he was an investment
banker? OMG Kit is ruining the lives of every black person everywhere.
*
-----------------------------------------------
Carly : "Kit looks like
Janice the Muppet. Write that down."
-----------------------------------------------
*
Bette: "You're not telling a homicidal maniac escapes from an insane
asylum story ... you're not."
Alice: "Just wait for it ... wait."
*
FYI: the wait is over, the story was stupid. Moving on ... what is that
rustling in the woods?!!
Two scary people in friar capes and Jason masks! Whatever adult store Jenny
visited pre-trip is probs stocking up on gas masks, balloons and adult
diapers for next time: "that bitch'll try ANYTHING!"
*
*
I Don't Want Trouble: Tasha's totally not scared, obvs she used to
see shit like this all the time as a Coco Girl. The gang badgers Niki &
Jenny for making sexy noise in the tent. Jenny: "How old are we, 12?" Niki
probs remembers 12, it was only yesterday for her ("Hmm, that's the year my
breasts started looking REALLY good!"). Anyhow, why's it always 12? When I
was 12, I still thought sex might make you pee, but anyway, why's 12 the
default age for immaturity? This is a real question, we actually had a long
conversation about it since "What are you, 12?" is a common phrase in our
lexicon. I thought we got it from
"Closer" but I guess that's not true, it's always been this way.
*
How About Spin the Bottle?!
: "Truth or Dare" is nixed 'cause Bette doesn't want everyone walking around
naked, 'cause she's got that no-nudity clause. They pick "I've Never." I
have a lot of feelings about the way that they play "I've Never." Playing
"I've Never" wrong is one of my top ten pet peeves about other humans, right
up there with reclining on airplanes and making me go out. There's one FUN
way to play I've Never -- when it's your turn, you've gotta say something
you've truly never done.
E.g., Carmen De La Pica Morales could say "I've never slept with a man" and
everyone'd have to drink. Kit could say "I've never had an orgasm with a
woman" -- drinks all around. Shane: "I've never gone to college!" and
everyone'd drink except for Niki and possibly Kit? Jenny could do, "I've
never dated Bette," and that'd be three drinkers down. This'll be super-fun
for Kit, she's gonna get HIGH off that Diet Coke! Also, she'd win if they
played it right, she could use her heterosexuality like WHOA. Good thing
Papi never got her off.
*
Though they're not exciting, my "I've Never" fallbacks include never having
long hair and never eating various meat products. I always lose this game,
'cause of all things sexual and drug-related. Anyhow, they play it where you
can say anything, even if it's not true. My eyeballs/ears are bleeding, but
whatever, I will proceed valiantly.
Also, the point of this game is not to get drunk. It's for Bette and Tina to
exchange loaded glances:
*
The following "I've Never" statements are given. It doesn't matter who said
them, since they're not playing the game right.
1. "I've Never Slept with a Girl": Adele has! Tom doesn't take a drink and I
think you can feel Max's little heart swelling with testosterone and glee.
Mine too, a little. Aw.
2. "I've Never Lied About Who I'm Sleeping With": Alice is surprised when
Tina drinks, and Tina points out "that one time" and Alice remembers O'Henry!
... Tina doesn't wanna be reminded. Even though I think she's still wearing
his coat.
3. "I've Never Had Sex
in a Public Place.": Tom says he needs a "bucket" for this, which makes my
asshole hurt really bad. Shane's chug-a-lugging for this one. They try to
define a public place as "anywhere without a door." Mm, like that
Ani DiFranco song.
4. "I've Never Been in Love": Everyone has except Shane who doesn't "think"
she's ever been in love. Niki & Jenny love love so much they kiss over it. I
love Shane 'cause she's so convinced about in the moment and so over it
about two minutes later. I've been in love, I'm drinking, I'm drinking for
Shane. I'm riding for Dana, drinking for Shane. Also, surprise, Bette & Tina
give each other googly eyes about being in love.
5. "I've Never Cheated on a Girlfriend.": Everyone drinks. Tasha admits
she's cheated on Michelle, one of the Coco Girls, which surprises Alice. Who
did Alice cheat on? OH! Her boyfriend in high school, right? With another
girl?
Tasha: "I kissed another girl while I was going out with my
first girlfriend."
Alice: "That'll do it."
Bette: "Kissing isn't like -- 'cheating-cheating' -- it's not -- you
know --"
Tasha: "Yes, it is."
Alice: "Kissing is cheating!"
Bette: "Well ..."
Alice: "Totally cheating, totally."
(Jenny and Niki nod "No," Molly
agrees)
Jodi: "I think it depends on the agreement of the people in the
relationship. I don't want the world making you know, judgments on what I
should do in my relationship."
Alice: "But nobody likes to be fucked around on, like,
behind their back --"
Anyone wanna know what I think is cheating? OK! Well. I think if it feels
like cheating ... then it is cheating. I'm a big believer in emotional
betrayal. I'd be more upset if my girlfriend had dinner with a girl she felt
really into than I would be if my girlfriend fucked some stranger she met in
a bar. But also, I really think it's the agreement in the relationship. For
example, Jodi and Bette have agreed to be monogamous!
Shane: "I don't know, I don't think kissing counts, it's
not cheating, nor I don't think sleeping with someone counts."
Alice: "Fucking?!"
Shane: "Well, unless you sleep with 'em more than once--"
[a lot of feelings/discussion about this]
Shane: "Not in my book."
Niki: "No no no, I agree with Shane. Messing around is just
messing around, right? i mean you can still be loyal to someone in your
heart and I mean -- what's the big deal?"
[By this,
Niki means "Shane, we can sleep together, everything will be fine, Jenny
knows where my heart is." Also, I kinda agree with Niki, but again --
depends on how your partner feels about it. Also it's tricky w/famous
people, 'cause it's embarrassing for everyone to know what's going on behind
your back.]
Alice: "Wowwww ... you guys have GREAT morals."
[laughing everywhere]
Jenny: "No, I agree with Jodi. I think that it depends on
your agreement as a couple ... so, if you guys say that you're in a
monogamous relationship then you're in a monogamous relationship and I think
that if you're in an open relationship then you're in an open relationship."
Jodi smiles at Bette, like "aren't you glad we're in such a great monogamous
relationship?" which makes Tina, lumberjack over there in the puffy coat ...
a little upset.
Max: "Like when you cheated on me with Claude?"
[Damn, Gina!]
[Also ... no? Not really like that at all. Why are you trying to bring that
up now? It's kinda random.]
Tom: "Who's Claude?"
Niki: "Jenny!"
Max: "The French girl."
Jenny: "We were broken up."
Max: "What?!"
[Sidenote: max fucked Billy Blakey?!!]
Jenny: "I don't wanna talk about that."
I feel like Angela Robinson just brought Jenny and Max's relationship out of
the vortex, as we never speak of it.
Shane: "I dunno. I think sexual jealousy always weighs down
a relationship."
[Agreed]
Tina: "That's because you're a ho!"
Shane: "I ain't a ho, bitch! Don't you go projecting --"
*
[Yeah, she just said that, I feel uncomfortable, let's move on." ]
Molly: "So does that mean that I could sleep with any one
of your friends and you wouldn't care?"
Shane : "Not if you came home to me afterwards."
Molly: "Really?!!"
Shane: "Smile."
Molly: "No."
Shane : "Let me see."
Molly : "No, ew."
Alice: "Oh my god, you guys are on crack! Like, fucking is
cheating, kissing is cheating, whether you do it once or 40 times, it's
cheating! Come ON!"
Kit: "I agree."
Alice: "Crazy people!"
--
Tasha's ready to take it to another level altogether. She's in the army. She
can do whatever she wants to, that's right, she can do MIND CONTROL.
--
Tasha: "And thinking is cheating."
[Lots of feelings all around]
Tasha: "If you're thinking about having sex with somebody else and
flirting with them, that's intimacy that you're giving to somebody else
besides your partner, it's cheating! What?"
What are we, 12? Let's settle this with a vote. Jenny thinks people oughta
raise their hand if they think kissing's cheating.
Seriously Tina needs to stop giving Bette the eye, Bette's hair does not
even look good today.
--
Tina raises her hand for kissing being cheating like she's voting for Norma
Rae:
Bette won't raise her hand, 'cause she thinks it's a trap to judge, which is
determined to be a cop-out, though she's also right. Obviously it's a trap,
hello, welcome to your life. OK, this is sorta becoming a lesbian squabble.
Lesbian Squabble #31: Love Will Tear Us Apart Again
In the Ring: Bette vs. Alice ... but then sorta, everybody
vs. everybody, and then Bette vs. Jodi
Content:
Alice: "Oh my God, that's such a non-answer! Because --
well -- Bette is a big 'ol cheater."
Bette: "Alice -- "
Shane: "Oh, give her a break, come on!"
Alice: [judging] "I'm not judging! I'm not
judging!"
But You Know Baby That's Just Me
: Tina tries to move us right along by asking who's got the next
"I've Never," which's cheating. Alice, who's totally out of line, continues
to dig Bette's grave, sharing with the group what a "giant cheater" Bette
is. Alice explains that Bette: "Cheated on Tina, you cheated on me, you
cheated. There's -- there's a lot of cheating. Right? Come on, you guys, you
were there! She was crackin' through 'em -- ba-boom. Ginormous cheater!
Okay, fine, leave me alone." -- is Alice practicing for The
Look? 'Cause this is like, capital I inappropriate. She better get used
to those stares of disbelief and awkward silences.
*
*
Need Love in a Good Way: Tina remembers she's got something really
important to do in her tent far far away and she busts that pop-stand,
therefore clarifying the situation for everyone. I don't blame her though,
I'm sure she's dying inside. Jodi follows her lead and ditches the bonfire.
Tom calls after her.
-----------------------------------------------
Cait: "This is my favorite
part, when he's calling after the deaf girl. He's calling after the deaf
girl!"
Riese: "She can feel the
vibrations, it's like dancing."
-----------------------------------------------
RuPaul sure can.
*
Okay You Found Me Out Beyond Without a Doubt: Alice wants to know
what the fuck just happened. OMG LOL LMAO WTF what the fuck just happened,
as we always say. Jodi goes into her tent to cry alone, Bette chases her.
Tom follows up with his radio text from Jodi: "She doesn't want to see you
Bette. She wants you to go away." Bette feels like a douchebag, so she does
as told. She might also be thinking that it'll be nice to not have to relay
her feelings through Tom anymore. I'm just saying, no offense, but that'd
get sort of weird. Also, Tom needs a new phone, those text noises are crazy
loud.
*
But I Promise This I Won't Go My Whole Life Telling You I Don't Need:
Yay! It's girlfriends time! Alice and Shane ask Tina if she's having an
affair with Bette, she admits she has been for about a month. Alice wants to
know why Tina didn't tell her. "Cause you have a big mouth," Tina points
out. Good point, let's all stick our tongues inside it.
Shane : "I never saw this
coming -- ever."
[They all take a drink.]
[That, ladies, is how you play the game. Sorta. Closer.]
*
I'm Capsized Erring on the Edge of Safe: Kit also wants to know how
the fuck this happened, 'cause shit like this don't just happen! You don't
just wake up next to somebody by accident! (Unless your name is "Kit," and
you wake up in bed with "Papi," RIP.) Kit asks: Did Bette forget how much
her and Tina hated each other, how miserable they were? Did the sex totally
make Bette lose her mind? Why'd she fuck it up with Jodi when they had a
real shot at something healthy? No, Bette says, they never had a shot.
That's true. I think Bette and Tina are basically just stuck with each other
whether they like it or not. Sometimes someone crawls into your heart and
latches on with their little manicured nails and you just can't pry them
away, even though there's elemental dysfunctions. Bette says she knows she's
going about it all wrong but she's doing it for the right reasons and that
she was trying to do the right thing. Kit kinda gets her dead on:
Kit: "You know, well it sounds like you're doing what's right for
Bette. You know, it's always what's right for Bette. "
--
Guess what though?
**
Encircle Me I Need to Be Taken Down: Shane thinks Jodi's gonna be
devastated -- she's not trying to guilt-trip "T," but Jodi moved her whole
life out here for Bette. She did? See, if you're a big big cheater, you
shouldn't really ever ask anyone to move their life for you. Alice wants to
know if Tina's in love with Bette ... again.
"I've always been in love with her. I just want her back."
(Tina)
Tina feels like an asshole for doing this to Jodi. She didn't even wanna
come on this goddamn bike ride. They're probs like "Us neither, but y'know,
breast cancer usually wins out over personal drama. Remember DANA?" Tina
really breaks down now, it's serious, like she's raw as hell right now.
She's scared that they're gonna fuck it up again, but she has to do it. When
she's crying and going, "I wanna be with her," I may or may not be also
crying.
Alice: "Okay. You guys -- you know, you belong together."
Shane: "Yup, you do."
Alice: "You always have."
Shane: "It's true."
Tina: "I fucking hate women."
Shane: "Yeah, well ..."
(drinks beer)
Alice: "That is some fucked up shit, Tina."
--
[Tina's still wearing her Dana button. That's true love!]
Who Wins? : Again, I'm
going to have to go with the lucky advertisers on
TiBette.com.
*
Nobody Likes To But I Really Like
to Cry: This is my "favorite part" of the episode, when we go back to
the campfire and Niki and Jenny are just sitting there like ho-hum, here we
are, still at the fire, so much drama, and then,
Muppets Movie style, Jenny observes:
"It's so difficult. Bette and Tina should've stayed together. They should've
had the courage to work it out instead of just running away from each other
like that. Fuck, instead of reeking all this fucking havoc."
Niki mentions that she & Jenny came back to each other and that's all that
matters. Right, after that long afternoon apart. I think Niki's
uncomfortable when the attention is anywhere besides directly upon her.
Also, Niki, a five-hour breakup does not a MacArthur Relationship Prize
make.
*
Jenny Moment: "Well, I'm in no position to judge. Love
makes people so insane. Do you know that my friends think I'm out of my mind
for falling in love with you?"
--
[Sweetie, they thought you were out of your mind way before Niki came into
the picture.]
Niki says their friends just don't understand, they're different! Not
Max-different, but just like, different-different. Jenny asks if this is
gonna be one of those "movie things" or if they're actually gonna make it.
There's only one right answer to that question which Niki provides and then
adds, "And I'm going to love you forever ... I promise."
-----------------------------------------------
Carly : "Kiss of death!
Riese : "I give them three
weeks."
-----------------------------------------------
*
I Listen In Yes I'm Guilty of This: Obviously, Adele takes the
videotape, so she can put it on YouTube. We also have this idea that maybe
somehow it'll look like Alice did it, or somehow she'll set Alice up to do
it herself. Maybe it'll be Max's secret podcast!
**
Nobody Likes Me Maybe If I Cry: Bette's dressed like Paul Bunyan,
crying by the waterside, 'cause it hurts to hurt people. You can't ask your
friends for sympathy (and you don't deserve it) 'cause it's your fault, it's
your choice -- but still, it's real, you know, that sorrow. That angry
frustrated miserable sorrow. Howevs, Bette's got a serious case of the
memememes. She better get her shit together, she's got like 130 miles left
to bike or Dana's gonna die! Oh wait, JK. Already did. Where's Papi?
The Kind of Song I Know Cause Mother Sister Lover Worry: Back at the
campsite, Max tells Bette that Tom & Jodi left already. What Max means by
this is: "Bitch, why'd you have to make all that drama? Now I'm gonna have
to do myself up my own butt. Vibrators aren't free." This music is seriously
tearing out my heartstrings*
*
"I'm on the other side of where our lives used to be
And I can feel alright about whatever's good for me
Baby I wanna go back
You were supposed to come with me
All I ever wanted was to be with you
You were supposed to come with me."
-"The Other Side," Rachel Yamagata
I feel like they had way more fun on the way there. Everyone's pussy must be
really sore now, especially Jenny's 'cause she's probs a bit irritated from
having that strap-on harness rubbed up against her pelvis for thirty minutes
last night.
**
*
The Round-Up
Lesbian Squabbles: 2 this episode, 31 total
Lesbian Sexy Moments: 3 this episode, 33 total
Quote of the Week: Kit
On a Scale of 1 to 10: Actually, quite good.
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