This week's viewing party was attended by Natalie, Cait, Alex and -- obvs --
memememe. As you can see in the above photo, Natalie felt so inspired by
Jodi's Moroccon Feast Outfit that she made her own, using only bedsheets and
a decorative pillow. P.S.,
Vote Riese for Lesbian Blog of the Year -- it might come down to just a
few votes, so every vote counts --whomever it's for. Takes like two seconds.
You won't regret it.
Firstly, I'd like to make a little statement about corrections in general. I
heart corrections! (I also heart the novel The Corrections, FYI,
read it, reading is good for you.) Since graduating college in '03, I've
been an eager student of "The School of Life": reading books, making out,
developing serious relationships with stuffed animals, perusing photo
spreads in Teen Vogue, watching paint dry and writing about myself.
But -- I've still got lots to learn. I knew how to read before I started
kindergarten (I realised early that I liked books better than humans) and
this had a domino effect by which my inherent writing/reading abilities
repeatedly placed me out of most basic skills courses. So somehow I managed
to graduate with English/Writing degrees from boarding school and University
w/o a lot of apparently important knowledge. E.g., I don't know how to spell
or how to properly use "its/it's" and "that"/"which." I recently was told
about a message board post that cited my inability to spell Katherine
Moennig's name correctly (true -- and fair) -- I think I wing it every time
-- but you can totally yell at me about it. For most of Season Four, I used
"Jodi" or "Jody" interchangeably. I still haven't picked a spelling for "Pisecki."
I have no idea why I haven't just learned this accessible information and
applied it. But I'm actively trying to improve.
[Ed. note: Slicey has changed all further spellings of "Pisecki"
in this recap to "Pieszecki".]
So -- this I ask of you, dear reader: if I do something that makes your eyes
bleed, please do let me know. I created this section for three reasons: 1.
To talk about Papi and churros, 2. To spin comedy stylings, 3. To ensure
that y'all know I'm interested in being corrected. I'm pretty humble, and
the first one to step up and admit I don't always do a good job.
Constructively criticize me, and the whole world sings.
That being said, it's RIESE not REISE. "I" before "e" except after "c" or
when pronounced "eh" as in "neighbour" or "their." Or whatever.
1. Mt. Sianai, not Mt.Ararat ... I didn't glare closely enough at Vicky's
(joking) correction of my joke, or I would've seen that. That being said,
Vicky, clearly not paying attention in Jesus Cult Class, tsk tsk.
2. Some of the advance screener DVDs don't have subtitles 'cause they aren't
finished yet. I think.
3. Lena's Riese Awards were brill. That's not a correction, I just wanted to
The Nikki Stevens Chronicles: Behold! My thought process: Is that
Adele? Is she Robocop? Hot boots! Nice ass! It's a bird, it's a plane, it's
... super-Grover! Is she in the Flashdance welding factory? Oh, she's
in a movie. Maybe Adele's actually a Jedi Spy? Oh, it's Nikki, this must be
her new movie. Is she about to ride Star Tours? Is this The Matrix? I don't
like action movies, that's why I'm watching "The L Word" instead of JAG,
which may or may not be an actual show. Nikki's doing her own stunts, like
Kermit the Frog!
Cait: Is it Adele? Is it Adele? It's Adele! Riese, tell me if it's
Riese: Maybe I haven't already seen this scene, I'm not telling.
Alex: It reminds me of Goldeneye. For Nintendo 64.
She's The Next Tara Reid!: Nikki's watching a screener of her new
action-adventure flick (it looks generic/boring) with her agent and her
manager. They're freaking out: It's a winner! Nikki's got star power! 12 mil
a picture from now on! Clearly Nikki's multi-talented. She can remove
clothing, kick dudes in the face and make out with other actors --
approximately the same set of skills required for a Bud Light commercial.
The manager adds that Nikki's gonna be on the cover of Stuff
Magazine. Stuff, FYI, is a classy rag for men who enjoy touching fake
breasts, eating chili dogs, scratching their gonads and watching Monday
Night Football. In other words, Lez Girls target audience. Whaaaa?!
Here's an example of a Stuff covergirl:
Also just quickly, gotta
get this off my chest: girls in tight dresses who drag in moustaches? I
don't get that. Girls with moustaches and girls in tight dresses are
practically mutually exclusive categories, you know? I've got nothing
against either category. I loved Ivan. Also, can I get a witness for Kit's
fro in the opening credits? I'm glad some things never change.
Ob-li-di-Ob-la-DA! Life Goes on, SportsBra!: In lieu of women, Shane
and Jodi have mounted bicycles and are taking a serious ride. Exhausted from
the three foot journey 'round the bend of this set, they take a break on a
park bench. Shane's wearing a Free City shirt and suddenly knows sign
language. I guess she's always been good with her hands. Bedum- BUM! They're
doing a bike ride for breast cancer. OOOO I wonder if that's what happened
to Papi , that would be a good way to bring it back around.
I'm More of a Mac 'n Cheese Girl Myself: Shane likes Molly, also,
Shane's been with tons of straight girls and knows their game. Jodi suggests
that Molly could be a "spaghetti girl": "straight until wet." That's "cute."
I thought it meant "girl who likes spaghetti." Shane says she likes that
Molly's got a boyfriend. I think this is the first time Shane's admitted
that she likes the challenge of a straight girl. She's probably bored since
Wax burned down and Shay got sucked into the vortex. Shane thinks she should
take Molly to the theater, though she hates it. How can she just universally
hate the theater? That's like how I universally hate television, except
stupider. Jodi says she could have a dinner party, Shane could invite Molly!
Dinner parties on The L Word are always loads of fun for everyone, good
The Lavender Marriage: Nikki's agent, Kevin, is pissed that everyone
thinks Nikki is a lez girl, 'cause that means she's risking losing her
teenage male fans who exist in delusional universes where they believe that
famous girls might sleep with their penises. Tina & Kevin come up with a
solution -- Nikki must be photographed at her movie premiere with a hunky
fuckable man. This is a revolutionary idea, stop the presses, Kevin &
Tina'll probs win a Nobel Prize for Excellence in Public Relations. WTF?
I Vote Zach Efron: Tim enters the trailer and is immediately selected
by Team Het as Nikki's date. "I'd fuck him," Kevin offers, which is awesome,
the assfucking image is even better than the image of clothed & clandestine
Tim and Kevin. We're in Season Five and still the producers of this show
have almost no clue whatsoever what women find attractive. I liked Eric
Mabius though, and Mark. I mean, sorry. Where's Papi? Where's Papi's bike
The Army: Still Cheaper Than
Crunch: We take a brief moment to tour the Army's gym, where the
leaders of tomorrow are training to tackle the problems of today. Here,
Tasha the Gay is disturbed that her desired punching bag is being used by a
mysterious figure in a hooded sweatshirt. I don't know how they filmed this
without cracking up, it's quite fundamentally ridiculous. Tasha asks the
unabomber if she's done and she turns around and ... ZOMG!
JK. It's Sgt. Bilko/Davis.
Surprised? Me neither!
L'Elements of Style: All About Adele, Jenny, and a mystery woman in
an outer space explorer outfit are touring the outdoor wardrobe closet.
Jenny questions Jesse's high-fashion duds, but Captain Planet says Nikki
insisted on it after she saw Karina's outfits. Adele, still pursuing her
embodiment of Jenny's personality, is enacting her own version of The
Schecter Fashion Evolution. Right now she's at "Stage 1: Doilies." Jenny,
btw, found her dress on The Golden Girls set.
Riese: The costume designer looks like she's from Star Tours.
Cait: I know, she's like -- "fast pass?" This way --
Jenny's cooing over a
Karina costume when Tina interrupts with breaking news. But Jenny can't be
bothered, she's having a moment:
Jenny Moment #1:
Jenny: "There she is!
[looks at dress] HELLO! I love it! I love it love it love it! I think that
this purple -- [to Adele] Isn't this purple fabulous? It's amazing, it is.
You know what I think? I think that this should be Karina's color. And I
sort of -- I see her with this gold choker that's sort of up the neck like
that and it's like, the snake is intertwined--" [makes snake-like neckhole
Tina: "NOW, Jenny. I need to talk to you right now."
Jenny: "YOU need to hang on, I'm not done with my meeting. [to
Captain Planet] I also see her with a fresh gardenia in her hair so she just
walks into the room and she's just like WAFTING femininity--"
Tina: "This is important."
Jenny: [to Tina] "Okay. Okay." [Whispers as she leaves:] "Mom's
Review the Press And Tell It Like It is: Tina's talking REALLY WEIRD
again -- that chin-dimple thing, like she just got her tonsils out or had
some work done. Tina tells Jenny that Nikki's managers are upset about the
oil wrestling debacle and subsequent Tabloid Outing. Jenny says, all blase:
"It's terrible," but Tina corrects her: "No, it's fucking awful." This scene
feels improvised. A writer who writes words would know that "awful" and
"terrible" are synonyms, not contradictory terms. Tina says they're
threatening to pull Nikki from the movie unless she takes a
"girls-creaming-in-their-jeans-American-hunk-actor-boy" to the Liquid
Heat premiere. Jenny doesn't believe her. Me neither, did Tina just say
that? I feel itchy?
Riese: Is Tina pregnant? She's got that shirt-skirt thing going on.
Cait: No it's the style. The mirrors on the collar--
Riese: That's good, you know, if you think you've got something stuck
on your teeth--
Cait: You can just like, check it out.
Curled on the Floor Hiding Away From it All: Jenny busts into Nikki's
trailer, where Nikki's crying like Angela Chase. This scene is important
because Nikki's crossing the line from human girl to Critter. Look at her
little shiny tan thighs and her sweater! She's so huggable/fuckable!
Jenny's upset that
Nikki's taking the "midget" to the premiere, then Jenny's feelings are
interrupted by the agent busting out of the trailer's toilet. Seriously,
Nikki should've given her a heads-up on that. Awkward.
Jenny Moment #2: "Well you know what, Kevin? I don't really care what
you and your fucking purple tie think about my whereabouts, okay? What the
fuck do you think this is, 1952, where you can give her a beard so you can
pretend she's straight? You should be ashamed of yourself."
[Kevin is the new "Dana Fairbanks' agent."]
The Blow: Jenny refuses to continue speaking 'til he removes the snot
from his nose, which's "distracting from the seriousness of their
conversation." (This feels kind of improvised. You guys, Mia is carrying
this show ... we're fo'real LOL'ing.) Then, Jenny sits next to her damsel in
distress, and busts out with additional Jennyness--
Jenny Moment #3: "You don't have to listen to what he says. He's not
even a human being. He's an agent."
Kevin asks Jenny to cover her hickey, you dirty whore. I was wondering what
that was, it looked like the mark of the beast. Jenny, Fashion Expert,
requests that Kevin change his fucking tie! (Which's not that bad, she
should see the Macaroni Grill during holiday season.) Still, Jenny's
performance in this scene is ace. Nikki is hot and also a child, but I think
Jenny might kinda love her. Maybe she just wants to hug/hold her like the
little critter that she is. I know we do!
Porky's 3: Lesbian Army Style: Let's break stereotypes. Like the one
about lesbians being dangerous to the military (or any same-sex environment)
'cause they can't stop oogling each other in the proverbial locker rooms.
Okey dokey, here we are in the army locker room, where hot girls walk around
naked. I can just imagine the directing on this scene: "Yes, now look at
her, look at her like you WANT her but don't know what to do with your
sapphic desires, yes, yes, show me why is the measure of love loss!
Show it to me!" The point of this scene is that Bilko is a capital-D DYKE.
Riese: Also -- is this the army?
Cait: 'Cause I'm signing up --
Natalie: This is like a scene from Sixteen Candles.
Lesbian Sexy Moment #23: Gay for Play
The Players: Shane and Cammie
The Pick Up: Cammie, looking to improve her acting skills, saunters
into the hairstyling area and annonces to Shane: "I wanna get really drunk
and then I want you to have sex with me." Those words are magic to my ears.
Hot or Not?: This scene's melting with unrealized hotness potential.
Shane's doing that thing she does where she resists superficially --
"Remember, you're just gay for pay" -- and consoles the emo straight girl
who, in this case, cries that Jenny hates her and she sucks at the part --
and ultimately staves off her paramour for approximately 3.5 seconds before
giving in. I'm ready for the music to start and the clothes to come off,
but! Begonia interrupts. That cunt! Shane's cute & embarassed and says she's
gotta talk to Begonia before she gets accused of being unprofessional (silly
Shane, TLW never FOLLOWS UP on things like this), I hope Shane catches her
before she goes to that toga party she's apparently dressed for:
"Hi! That's a great color on you -- could you give us a second. Okay, I'm
gonna talk to her and it's not gonna leave the three of us. [to Cammie] Just
get dressed and go home."
-Shane ends a potentially fantastic sex scene, just like that.
BAM!: This scene takes place in "Africa," one of many countries we
recently visited in Epcot Center's International Showcase. Jodi's preparing
a Moroccan feast 24 hours ahead of time. Better get those vegetables chopped
before nightfall, Pa and Littlefoot are out slaughtering the wildabeast
and'll be home tomorrow after many moons. Bette's gotten ahold of Jodi's
crimper and gone wild, she's sporting serious Angelica hair. Jodi gives
Bette the guestlist: Amy & girlfriend, Shane & Molly, Tina & Sam. Bette's
heart drops into her stomach and then explodes: "Tina and Sam aren't a
couple." Then she starts a little fight about nothing ...
Lesbian Squabble #22: It's a Silly Time To Learn To Swim When You
Start to Drown
In the Ring: Bette vs. Jodi
Content: Bette asks Jodi if it occurred to her to ask her first
before inviting Tina. Jodi's like, "No." OK: Did you die when Bette did that
little "and SO!" lip purse at the end of her monologue about the way that we
live? ("I think it's -- um -- just this whole ex girlfriends becoming best
friends thing, it's me and my ex and you and your ex, it's really my idea of
some kind of nightmare lesbian dinner party. SO.") 'Cause we did. And when
Jodi responds with, "then don't come," well. Auto-win! That's also the
moment when Bette realizes, once and for all, that she's met her match --
Jodi won't put up with Bette's B.S. or even ask why, exactly, Bette's acting
so weird about Tina.
Who Wins: Jodi, 'cause when Bette retreats and asks if she wants
help, Jodi gives her an onion and a knife. "You're bad," Bette teases. Not
bad enough. If she was b-b-b-b-bad to the bone, she'd cheat on you too.
[Tasha is getting dressed for The Big Day, "What's Goin' On" plays.]
Cait: Is that Tasha?
Riese: No, it's Marvin Gaye.
One Angry Woman: We're going to the courthouse and we're gonna get
called to testify! Hot damn, the weather in L.A. is always AMAZING in this
show. Has it ever rained? It's always like, perfect and sunny. I feel like
we're on the set of Barney & Friends.
Is that a bayonette in
your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love The Beech: I vote Beech for
Nikki's premeire date. Also: Liquid Heat? That sounds like a kind of
flavored condom. Beech says that Tasha's a great solidier and there's no way
anyone can question her dedication to military service. Davis counters that
the army has rules and that Tasha's a homo. Smoky the Bear says only you can
fight forest fires. I just took a second shower of the day for no reason.
This episode felt short and like nothing happened, but also long and like
big stuff happened.
The Planet, apparently, is OPEN FOR BUSINESS! And Kit is ON!
Kit: "Oh well check out this shit. UH-HUH. Yeah! What the fuck am I
gonna do with those she-bitches?! Man ..."
Shane: "You got them closed down, what else do you want?"
Kit: "Yeah but they're gonna open back up and when they do guess
what, everyone's gonna wanna go over there and get a look at Nikki Stevens
and her greasy ass."
Like Steel in my Palm: Shane suggests that Kit "pull a Tony Soprano
and get 'em waxed." See, this's how that gun storyline is gonna tie in to
the rest of it ... final episode: Adele-Kit-Shebitches SHOOTOUT. When the
smoke clears, the set'll go dark and then, just when we think it's over,
we'll hear the hummin' of a womyn singer-songwriter like Joan Armatrading or
Michelle Faithful -- and then, from an unseen dark corner -- BANG! -- it's
Papi 'a blazin', popping Dawn Denbo in the head and riding Lover Cindi all
the way home. THE END. Oh! Right. Then Paris Hilton and Helena will emerge
from dark corner #2, naked as the day they were born, like Adam and Eve in
the garden if Adam was a lesbian girl.
Lesbian Squabble #23: They Seem So Very Tough, They Seem So Very
Scared Of Us
In the Ring: Phyllis vs. Molly the Spaghetti Girl
Content: Molly doesn't think the world needs more lawyers and she
doesn't want to have 2.5 kids and a dog, which I fully support but Phyllis
does NOT. Phyllis's sweet on Molly's boyfriend Richard who worships the
ground she walks on. "Which is BORING!" Molly exclaims, before revealing
that she's dumped his sorry ass. She continues: "He's learning to golf Mom.
Golf. He's got medication for early onset baldness. Don't you see how
depressing that is?" I do. Also: Richard doesn't already know how to golf?
(Richard: You. Me. Putt-Putt. IT'S ON!) Phyllis says Molly can't drop out of
school, she'll become a gross person like Shane, who's in a (whisper)
*service profession.* Molly's like "wtf?" and Phyllis is like: "She's a
OK, well, I don't know, it seems to me like Shane works about three hours a
week, hooks up with a lot of hot chicks, lives in a nice West Hollywood
apartment, goes out with her friends every night and wears $150 dollar
t-shirts. I'd say whatever it is she's got going on, I'll take it. She could
probs read more, perhaps open her mind to the theater, but um ... at least
she's not thousands of dollars in debt from a Ph.D and still unemployable
like most of my friends. Molly says Phyllis is elitist: true. Also, Phyllis
has now made a serious error by telling Molly she doesn't like Shane, that's
Mom-speak for "Go fuck Shane 'til you forget who I am." Her mother even
seals the coffin with: "thank G-d you're not a lesbian." Molly knows what
she must do. Girls! Ob-li-di-ob-la-da! Take off your bra!
Who Wins? Molly, cause she's gonna do it with Shane bow chicka bowwww.
QUOTE OF THE WEEK
Phyllis: "Where are you going?"
Molly: "To go gay for Shane. We're going to adopt Chinese babies and
live in a trailer park."
And I Won't Take Any Other Call: Molly approaches Shane, who
apparently hasn't noticed Molly in The Planet this entire time, which
actually isn't hard to believe, she's in the service industry after all. I'd
be happy to serve under her ... "Oh, you're alive!" Shane says
sarcastically, referencing Molly's inabillity to make a phone call. Molly
says she believes Shane called her and Shane -- after doing her 400th
coke-nose sniff of the season, says: "Look, I might've called you, but it
was a long time ago, so you know, Alzheimer's kicked in at some point." If
Molly wants to see her tonight, she's gotta call, call, call. I love how
Shane's always on her way somewhere but never says where, she just exits.
She's going to Shane-ville. Her pick-up truck.
We Were Soldiers: An almost-foxy little army chick is testifying that
Tasha was a good commander: "a fair and honest leader." Tasha looks happy
for a second, honestly warmed by this positive evaluation, and subsequently
by Martinez's assertion that she doesn't think Tasha's a homo. Martinez
likes Tasha so much that she'd be willing to "serve under her at any time."
Objection your honor, she obviously wants to go down on Tasha, let's get
Just Look at the State of You: Bette's doing this thing now where she
acts super immature for about two lines -- pissed that Tina's bringing Sam
to this dinner party, though it makes total sense that Tina assumed the
invite came from JoBette, not just Bette, still pissed when Tina points out
that Bette's the one with a girlfriend -- -- and then changes her tune to
"mature Bette." Mature Bette thinks they need "clarity." Bette, teary, asks:
"What were we, some fling?" Of course not, you're in love, go find Angelica!
Anyhow, Tina doesn't want to break up JoBette. Bette asks "What if I want
that?" and Tina asks "Do you?"
Make No Sudden Movements And No-One Will Get Hurt: Bette dodges the
question: she just doesn't like who she's becoming, her behavior's not a
good example for Angelica. Good thing Angelica is never around, then. I bet
they've hidden her in a manger somewhere while Bette gets her shit together,
so Angelica's not witnessing any behavior besides the inside of her eyelids
and possibly the soft music of a contemporary-art-mobile over her shoebox.
That's it, convo over. Why? I don't know, ask Ilene.
needs a haircut.
Cait: No, she likes it.
Riese: It's like -- WHOOSH!
Cait: It's aerodynamic.
Have You Ever Thought
About Any Real Freedoms? Freedom from the Opinion Of Others, Even From
the Opinion of Yourself? It's becoming abudnantly clear that Davis's in
the closet and hasn't gotten any pussy since 1992 and wants to punish
everyone else who she suspsects is getting some -- she's prepared to unleash
a can of asshole, Ted Haggard style. Davis asks if Martinez felt
uncomfortable when Tasha put her arm around her. Beech objects to this, and
it's overruled -- that would never happen on Law & Order. Tasha seems very
Zen, seriously. Martinez cracks under pressure and admits everyone thought
Tasha was a big 'ol Lez and she felt poisioned by the arm-reach-around.
Really Papi? Have you SEEN Tasha? I don't think she needs to waste her time
with randomized straight girls like you.
I Can't Untangle What I Feel And What Would Matter Most: Look at how
cute Alice got her hair did for the big day. Tasha -- resigned to losing,
it'd seem -- apologizes that Alice got roped into this. Martinez folded, and
it seems like it's kinda all hitting Tasha at once -- that she could lose,
that it might not even be worth it after all. Sgt. Douchebag, so
self-righteous she may as well get her own OurChart Blog -- says they're out
of time, so Alice will have to come back tomorrow. What if she has shit to
do tomorrow? Seriously, podcasts don't just make themselves, and Max and
Papi are playing with Angelica and the Manny with Julio down by the
Relief Next to Me: OMG it's the big premiere of Liquid Heat!
Nikki's arrived with the midget. Jenny's arrived with the twin. It's like
the freaks tent at the circus, where's the bearded lady? Oh right: mystery
podcast. I hope the finale is a musical with Max's podcast and Papi will do
a Harlem Globetrotters thing and Jodi will dance dance dance. Jenny thinks
Nikki looks "amazing," and Adele agrees. Kevin informs security not to let
Jenny into the premiere. He's probs doing her a favor, that movie looks
Hope There's Spaghetti for Molly: The awkward crowd gathers for the
Big Feast Where Nothing Good Can Happen. E.g., Jodi's um ... robe? Dress?
What can I say? Are there words? Are there "signs"? Is there anything anyone
can say in any language that could possibly do justice to this um -- caftan?
Seriously, if Bette
wants to make out later, she's gonna have to start at the feet, and work her
way up, fully heaving that motherfucker OFF and throwing it AWAY. It will be
Natalie in her own Jodi-Robe.
Do NOT Go In There:
This is when they need Ace Ventura or someone to come in and make crazy
things happen. Instead, they talk about female DPs, there's a lot of
reflective surfaces at this party, break out the cocaine/ecstasy/pot
No Heart to Burn: Security blocks Jenny and Jenny has a LOT of
feelings about that. Adele says: "Just text her." She's basically an
advertisement for T-Mobile, hope Adele's in her Top Five. Jenny sends Adele
in to take care of everything, adding: "I feel like an asshole, but, it's
fine." I feel bad for Jenny all sad outside in the cold, she's like a little
FESTEN!: Back at the dinner party, the ladies take turns digging each
other's graves. Gravedigging party! Molly is telling Shane about how Richard
just isn't enough 'cause they don't have that "thing." Shane's heard this
one before. She can go in for the kill any minute now.
Shane: "Do you want a cigarette?"
Molly: "Trying to quit."
Shane: "Yeah, me too."
Molly: "But I could quit tomorrow."
Shane: "Yeah, me too."
A Million Hours Left To Think Of You and Think of That: Bette -- who
prefers judging others rather than confronting her own demons -- talks to
Jodi in secret code sign language about the sitch w/Shane & Molly. Then Tina
screams from across the table: "THIS IS DELICIOUS WHAT IS THIS?" Hold up!
Jodi's not speaking Swahili just 'cause she's in that robe, Tina doesn't
need to enunciate like a Chinese tourist at the Olive Garden. Bette
apologizes for excluding Tina & Sam, they didn't mean to. "But you did,"
Tina shoots back. "No, we didn't," Bette insists. Tina adds: "But you did."
And, she's my hero for life. Sam escapes to the bathroom, good move. Amy
asks Bette if Jodi's ever made her Indian food -- I'd love to see THAT
outfit -- but Tina says that Bette hates Indian food. Apparently she got
sick once when they were traveling in Asjdkajsdkjii or wherevs. How sick
was she? She was SO SICK Tina had to CARRY HER through the airport!
She's practically Mother Theresa. This is really romantic, defo if I was
sick in India being carried through the airport, top ten best relationship
moments. Actually, Heather just got sick in India, it must be a lesbian
Slow To Make My Move, I'm Almost There: Molly's telling Shane that
she knows her game and isn't falling for it. Also Shane's fully drinking
white wine out of the bottle, which I do um, ALL THE TIME, Carly and I tend
to kill bottles that way. (Carly, btw, is in the vortex with Papi, she
better show up to the finaleee!) Shane says that's not true, she's not
trying to sleep with her, but she did think about it and decide:
Quote of the Week #2: "If it was to happen, you would probably freak
out afterwards and then you'd most likely go back to your boyfriend in
Vermont and then I'd be stuck in the cold with nothing but the distinct
memory of mediocre sex."
Obvs Molly's like, how
do you know I'd be mediocre? And Shane's like, I don't, I don't know
anything, and Molly's like, well, "this weird psychology you're using isn't
gonna work either." Ha.
Lesbian Sexy Moment #24: If You Show You Show. If You Show You Show.
The Players: Shane and Molly
The Pick-Up: "I've got no tricks up my sleeve, I just like talking to
you. It is what it is." Molly follows this with a sort of eyebrow raise and
then clearly goes in for it. Finally!
Hot or Not? One of my favorite things about Shane is how when she
kisses someone back -- someone who, without fail, has sworn they aren't
about to kiss her -- she half-smiles as she kisses, like "of course this is
happening." Molly stops, says, "is this bad?" and Shane says "yes, it's a
bad idea," and they kiss for about another five smokin' hot seconds --
Surprise! Molly stops it, "Can you take me home please and I'm sorry and I
shouldn't've done that and it was a bad idea if you could just take me back
to my Mother's." Don't talk about your mother, that's not hot, weren't you
at the pool party? For Chrissake. Shane: "I told you!"
Riese: Molly is proccessing already!
Cait: She's such a lesbian, she has so many feelings already.
Alex: My number one feeling is intoxication. I cannot proccess this
We're All Busy Little Bees, Full of Sting, Making Honey Day and Night:
Adele's acting insider, trying to rub elbows with other valuable famous
elbows ... like telling Nikki's manager about how no one's gonna get onto
the set. Jenny texts -- "where are you?" and Adele lies that she can't get
to Nikki, "photographers everywhere." She tells Jenny not to leave. Did they
see the movie already? How long has Jenny been out there??!
What's Adele doing, exactly? I feel like it's devious, but the scene is over
before it's begun. She's a good liar 'cause she lies blatantly in the face
of what others might consider a sure get-caught situation -- like in front
of people Jenny will talk to later, about someone Jenny will talk to later.
Also there's SERIOUS full-screen texting going on, it's like Lindsay076.
When I Feel Like This When I Get So Sick of Myself: Jodi took
everyone up to the rooftop to watch her robe glimmer in the moonlight while
she pays tribute to the Goddess. I mean, to see her sculpture, it's called
"Ronald McDonald's Playland." This leaves Bette & Tina alone together in the
kitchen, where they stand tensely in arrested sexual development. Then Bette
turns to Tina and goes: "This is really one of the most excruciating things
I've been through." And y'know ... the thing is ... I believe her. I believe
that it is possible that this is one of the most excruciating things Bette's
been through. The only problem is that Jodi and Bette's relationship never
really worked -- we never saw them truly making each other happy, you know?
Why'd Bette insist on the monogomy if she couldn't handle it -- Jodi didn't
want that. JoBette could be good for each other, but they wanted different
things and fought all the time. It was just dumb. C'mon, L Word, you're
normally so AMAZING, what's happening? Sigh.
Sometimes, in the heat of the moment, when I'm about to kiss my ex-wife, I
think "You know what, we should go see Dan Foxworthy." OMG, such lesbians!
Dan's their therapist, P.S., who Bette definitely didn't want to see in
Season One. Now she's come ... full circle .. I am taken I am yours, I'm
up and doing circles , I'm taken I am yours, I'm up and doing circles I
Anyhow, their kiss gets busted before it begins, but the tension is
Also ... this could really easily be a screenshot of a costume party:
still wearing that! And Amy?! What is that?
Alex: The costume of the day is space mountain.
This was Adele's idea, surprise:
Continuity Check!: Also, then they walk into the car, we cut to Jenny
and Adele -- Jenny's upset, Adele consoles: "They probably made her do that"
-- and then we cut BACK to Nikki and Greg still walking the red carpet, even
though we JUST saw them get into the car. Is it a flashback? wtf? Also, poor
Jenny. You guys! Poor Jenny, she's sad, where's Sounder II?
Back to court! Davis has pulled up her number one Bookmark: OurChart.com.
Srsly she's gonna be like "Before we proceed Major, real quick just log onto
'ArmyGal69' password 'Ilovepussy' and tell me if Kate Moennig has accepted
my friend request yet?"
OK this IS NOT OurChart! [Is it? I don't go there, I just talk about it.]
This is Our OurChart:
No further questions, your honor.
Really Papi Really Award:
Modern Major General: "It's owned by Alice Pieszecki, she has a podcast
on it talking about being a lesbian. She interviews other lesbians about
their sex lives and talks about her own sex life."
Sgt. Bilko: "So Alice Pieszecki, the woman named in two of the
complaints against Ms. Williams, is a self-professed lesbian?"
MMG: "Yes, ma'am, that's correct."
Sgt. Bilko: "And, this chart?"
MMG: "It's a chart of all the lesbians she knows who've had sex with
Sgt. Bilko: "Who've had sex with one another?"
MMG: "Yes ma'am, it's not my chart colonol, if you know what I mean."
Sgt. Bilko: "Yes thank you Major Durough, I think we all know what
Okay: 1. As soon as Alice Pieszecki starts writing about her sex life and the
sex lives of other lesbians on OurChart, I might actually sacrifice the
health of my computer's motherboard to read it. 2. I can't make peace with
the concept of OurChart in court. 3. No one uses OurChart to make an actual
chart. Do they? My "friends plus" requests are all from people I don't even
know (I deny them, 'cause I don't want ppl to get confused). Seriously, I'm
gonna log onto OurChart right now, find everyone I've hooked up with, and
friends plus request them all. It's too bad straight girls aren't on
OurChart. 4. I'd say something about Alice suddenly being lesbian instead of
bisexual, but I think I'd be sort of um, hi pot, it's kettle.
Top Gun: Sgt. Beech, the love of my life, has only one question:
"Does Captain Williams' name appear anywhere on the 'chart' or on the
website?" Modern Major General's like "No but--" and Sgt. Beech is like, "No
further questions." Joyce Wyshnia couldn't've done better.
You're SOOOOO On It!: First off, Alice's hair looks adorable, even on
day two. Bilko claims she watched The Look and found it very
entertaining, she never knew there were so many spring style options
appropriate for pear-shaped figures. Then she gets right down to it: "You're
a lesbian?" Alice testifies that she's known Tasha for about a year, they're
friends -- "and that doesn't make Tasha a lesbian." Bilko jumps in: "I
didn't ask if Captain Williams is a lesbian, Alice. You might wanna stick
with the questions I ask." Okay, seriously, even Major Hooha over there sees
through that one, and it's not even his kind of chart. So, does Alice know a
lot of military people? ... but really? Is this relevant? Does she know many
hairdressers? Many limo drivers? People meet people, that's what lesbians --
Was This Gathering Anything like "MAGIC THE GATHERING"?: "How is it
someone like yourself can meet someone like Captain Williams?" Bilko asks.
Um, OURCHART! It would've been cool if she'd been like, "myspace, a place
for FRIENDS, bitch." But also ... actually, she did meet Williams through
OurChart, 'cause that's how she met Papi, and she met Williams through Papi,
and then Papi got breast cancer and died, there's a bike ride for it, hi-ho
let's go. Alice says they met at "a gathering." Then Bilko asks "Have you
had sexual relations with Captain Williams?" Okay, this is quickly becoming
Lesbian Squabble #24: Don't Tell! DON'T TELL!!!!!
In the Ring: Alice the Witness and Col.Davis/Sgt.Bilko
Alice: "You know what? This whole thing? This whole thing is a crock.
It's a freakin' witch hunt. You're trying to say that Tasha's a lesbian
because of her assciation with me? With lame trumped up evidence? I'm sorry,
but I could just as easily say that I think you're a lesbian Colonel Davis,
with a propensity to engage in homosexual conduct, becaseof the way you
looked at me in the hallway yesterday--"
Bilko: "That is enough, Ms. Pieszecki."
Alice: "If all I have to do is establish that you know one lesbian --
one lesbian -- and maybe you had lunch with her once? I bet there aren't a
lot of women who wear that uniform who haven't eaten out with a lesbian in
their time --"
(Oh-Kay! See that? What you did there? That's when you took an amazing line
and took it just one step over the edge into "really papi" territory. But
I'll forgive you, 'cause you're Alice.)
"Eaten out." Right. We know what that means. And so does Davis. OMG Alice's
own gay witch hunt has just struck gold! SURRENDER DAVIS! Davis totally
thinks that Alice knows some dirt on her 'cause Alice has dirt on everyone
and no scruples about sharing it. Davis requests a reccess, "to allow Ms.
Pieszecki to collect herself." "I'm okay --" Alice says, cute as a button.
"Did I say something?" Only everything, Alice, only everything.
War Games: Davis doesn't want Alice to "play games" with her, but she
isn't! Davis needs assurance from Alice that she doesn't have to watch her
back ... omg ... this'd be one of the first times in L Word history
that a plotline has actually tied itself back together convincingly, as they
generally prefer to leave things dangling in the annals of ex-writers/the
vortex. Davis: "[Tasha] just has to tell the story matter-of-fact ... Brown
twisted an innocent day out with friends into a sordid escapade so he could
make his trumped up charges." Kapeesh? Kapeesh. Davis also asks for
assurance that she'll never see Alice again. Um, Bilko? This is The L
Word. Just about the only thing it can promise ANY of its guest stars is
that they'll never have to see anyone again. Just ask Carmen, Angus, Lara,
James, Papi, Marina, Mark, Paige, Tonya, Dylan, Helena, Robyn, Candance,
Ivan, Hazel, Catherine Rothberg, Brooke, Cherie & family, Henry, Nadia,
Gomey, Charlotte Birch, Veronica Bloom, Stacey Merkin, Lindsay, Gabby
Deveaux, Billy Blakey, Kate Arden, Peggy Peabody, Lisa, Lacey, Alice's Mom,
Kit's son, Helena's children, Shane's brother & father, Jenny's mother, The
Fairbanks, and, obviously, Slim Daddy. Unfortunately, I cannot add BETTY to
that list, I'm sure they'll be back.
Is It Better Than Keeping My Mouth Shut? That Goes Without Saying:
Tasha's outside, thinking about Alice's boobies. Alice, cute bag 'n all,
eagerly tells Tasha that she could walk away from all this 'cause unlike
Jodi & Phyllis, Davis isn't interested in being the next star of "Alice in
Lesboland." Tasha's stunned, but before she can think twice/get naked, she's
called back into the courtroom ...
There's a Chance I'll Start to Wonder if It Was the Thing To Do: In
court, Tasha testifies that she's in the force 'cause she's from a military
family, it's her lifelong dream, etc. Davis questions her on why she
recommended Martinez over Brown and Tasha answers that it's 'cause
Martinez's got a superior service record, not 'cause she wanted to
serve on top of her wink wink. Davis asks if the military represents the
ideals by which she lives her life, and then adds a little liberal flair--
"You're aware that our service is strained for dedicated officers" -- um,
Hello, this is Alice's ex-girlfriend, I think she knows.
Davis: "Do you agree that the military codes of conduct be adhered to
at all times?"
Tasha: "I always have ... until now."
Davis: "I'm sorry?"
Tasha: "One of the things that is asked of us when we go to the front
lines is that we be prepared to be seperated from the people that we love.
And we ask that of them, too. We ask them to let us go and fight for their
freedom, maybe to never come home. And when we do come home, we feel
blessed. It seems so wrong, now, to have my personal freedom denied to me
within my own country. It seems wrong to watch the person that I love be
interrogated like a criminal when she did nothing wrong."
Davis: "The person you love? To whom are you referring, Captain
Tasha: "Alice Pieszecki, Colonel."
Not gonna lie, I totally teared up a little. This situation would NEVER
happen in real life -- perhaps on the day pigs fly out of EZ Girl's butthole
-- but OMG, I'm a sucker for declarations of love against all odds on stupid
television shows. If you're wondering -- and I know that you are -- I cry
every time I watch Cherie tell Shane that she can't leave her house in East
Hampton. Which is either more often or exactly as often as you might think.
I don't have feelings in real life, so I have to cry sometimes.
Alice: Did you win? You look happy?
Tasha: I did, I won.
Alice: So what happened in there?
Tasha: I told them I love you.
[Alice looks stunned, Beech approaches--]
Beech: Tasha, you're gonna be missed around here. Goodbye.
Davis's goodbye is slightly more ominous:
"Personal freedom is an enviable thing, but personal sacrifice to ensure
that many more Americans can enjoy their freedom, that's the nobler cause."
(Col. "Closeted and Proud" Davis)
(Let's make this #25)
If this was "Arrested
Development," there'd be imaginary scenes from next week. They'd go like
this: "Next week -- Tasha tries to get a civilian job -- will she be a
better applicant than Helena?"
The Round Up:
Lesbian Sexy Moments: 3 this episode, 25 total
Lesbian Squabbles: 3 this episode, 24 total
Really Papi Really Award: Colonel Davis and Major Hooha
Quote of the Week: Molly and Shane
On a Scale of 1 to 10: I Don't Even Know Anymore. Where's Paris
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