Jodi and Bette walk in like they're zombies in a trance. Grace is dancing
around in her bra. I have no clue what the deal is with Max, Grace and/or
Tom, and I'm not really caring enough to find out.
In Here, Everyone is Beautiful! Even the Orchestra Is Beautiful!:
Bette, Kit, Jodi and Tom meet Dawn and her "lover" Cindy. "Lover" is the
kind of lingo I'd think best suited to, say, hypothetically, a party for
closeted Hollywood peoples, how strange for it to be employed here. Dawn and
Cindy want Kit to know they're not looking to take away business from The
Planet, they just genuinely love pear polenta tarts and besides! They're in
another league! A league of their own, if you will. Let me just hand the
mike over to Dawn, who puts it like so: "It's all about hot nights and hot
girls. We're creating a whole new scene, L.A hasn't seen anything like it."
I have a few things to say about that statement:
1. Really Papi?
2. Yeah um, actually I think it has.
3. Dawn, what are you talking about? Are you related to Dawn from "The
4. Does The Planet have cold nights and ugly girls? I don't think so. In
fact yesterday at The Planet, most of the girls were nekked, that's how hawt
it was in there.
5. Dawn, your "love-ah" is a little slow. Dawn's like, "Remember honey, this
is Kit? From The Planet?" and Cindy's like (crickets chirping, thinking
about Lance Bass going into outer space) "Oh yeaahhh."
6. Also then Dawn says, "Damn Girl, we're not even gonna serve coffee."
That's like, a Kittism, and Kit didn't even say it.
Hey! Hey! You! You! I Don't Like Your Girlfriend!: Bette & Jodi meet
Tina & Brenda and Bette's so jealous she can't even work. Dawn continues
talking a lot of random nonsense. Her newest boast is that they've got the
most exclusive VIP lounge in the city. How can you have the most exclusive
VIP lounge in the city when you just opened? "It's soooo exclusive, it's
been totally CLOSED to ANYONE until tonight! Not A SINGLE PERSON has been
IMPORTANT enough for our VERY IMPORTANT lounge." And then the legendary
Shane arrives (obvs Dawn & Her Lover are hip to OurChart, therefore probs
also wondering: Where is Papi?) and, having surveyed the scene, Shane
mutters to her friends ....
Quote of the Week: "Jesus Christ, it's like South Beach threw up in
here. I don't know what happened." (Shane)
Once again, Dawn introduces Cindy as her "lover," and Shane replies,
brilliantly: "Lover Cindy, what's up." Also, this is the quote of the week
'cause we're basically in South Beach right now. (UPDATE: now it is Sunday,
which means for some depressing reason we're totes NOT in South Beach right
now, but back in New York and New Jersey, where it's cold.)
Also one last thing before moving on: if I told Kit we weren't serving
coffee and she started talking crazy about how we're all just here to have a
good time and followed it up with this facial expression, I wouldn't
necessarily leave my apartment without bearing arms:
I Drive Around the Block And I'm Not Looking to My Right : Alice and
Tasha walk into another decade, it's like Quantum Leap! The party's
populated mainly by African-American men and it's hosted by a hulking blob
of a man who looks like Old Marlon Brando or that filmmaker Dawson became
friends with on Dawson's Creek. Also, their DJ sucks, he's playing only
Smooth Jazz and no Madonna at all. He's got nothing on DJ Carlytron. Alice
repeats that everyone here's "on the DL," which's sort of a
problematic term, but whatevs. You can see Alice trying hard to make the
party feel exciting when it's kinda clearly lame -- oooing over the celebs,
amping up the secretive fun. It's cute, I totally forgive her for stealing
my grandmother's couch and turning it into a dress. Did anyone else think it
was weird that she mentioned Beyonce as a girl she hopes is gay? Like, out
of left field kinda? Right? Anyone know what I mean?
Tasha spots a basketball player who's got a wife and kids, and then the pair
chats with Marlon. Marlon says Tasha's got fabulous cheekbones. We agree.
Marlon knows Alice's podcast, which's 100% unlikely, and hopes she won't be
doing any podcasting from here. Hm. Obviously not, she can't make a podcast
without her trusty sidekick Maxwell. Remember when he wrote that letter to
everyone about how he was changing his name from Moira to Max? That was
The Devil's Assistant Wears 1987 Glasses: Adele, the most adorable
personal assistant since Anne Hathaway, tells a petulant Jenny (happily
sitting in her
metronap pod , which also reminds me of
this movie ) that
-- surprise! -- Nikki Stevens is IN THE HOUSE and currently chatting Jenny
up, dropping references about her gayhood whenever possible. Nikki's probs
doing research for a Girl-on-Girl FHM feature. Where's Papi? Oh, sorry. It
turns out that Nikki is beautiful, gay, and an actress! Like Haviland! Tina
realizes that Adele set up the Nikki-Jenni meeting and she tells Adele she
loves her. Good job, A! I'm interested to see how Adele evolves in this show
-- ideally it'll involve her naked with Shane somewhere.