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:: L G B  T E A S E ::
#5.01 Recap Blog by Riese

This is what I do: I keep score. I count the number of Lesbian Sex Moments, Lesbian Foreplay Moments, Non-Lesbian Sex Moments and Lesbian Squabbles. I monitor and record the fluctuation of my bisexuality on a Kinsey Scale. I give you your weekly Kittism and your weekly Jenny Moment and your Quote of the Week. I give you Screencaps.



OMG you guys my name is Riese have you heard about this show The L Word?  It's soooo awesome!  It's like all these lesbians, it's like the way that we live.  Wow.  I wish I could open this recap with a little musical number w/dancers, like The Nutcracker. Unfortunately, this is the internet, not the local playhouse.  Soooo, tonight's viewing was attended by me, my BFF Haviland, and our friends Alex and Carly. We've been busy mama bumblebees this year and we've had a lot of feelings.  One of them has been yearning and aching for y'all. AND if you're still bored after you're done reading this, you should watch our L Word parody videos:
Teaser & Trailer & Phone-Chain & Phone-Chain Bloopers & Dramatic Readings. Seriously you guys. Also, um: I'm sorta like, getting back into the swing of things ... so ... omgnotasfunnyasiwannabe outofjokes.

Oh, so, I'm going to write some Love Poems to Ilene Chaiken.  It's a Dave-Oprah thing, except I'm not famous, and Ilene is less famous than Oprah.  You follow?  Excellent. 
Haikus for Ilene Chaiken #1: LGB Tease
Hi, I'm not Ilene
not the creator of the show
but I care. So much.
Romancing L'Stone:  The episode opens with Jenny Schecter penning her screenplay adaptation of the allegedly bestselling novelmoir, Lez Girls.  Yeah -- that's right. Let me say this again: the episode opens with JENNY WRITING. Why not just open with Mangus dry-humping the nanny?  Anyhow, Jenny's really reaching past her navel now and getting creative. Instead of just writing down everything that's ever happened to her ever, she's writing down everything that's happened to her ever but SEXIER. See you guys, she just wants to be loved.  She just wants nipple confidence like Shane.
In Jenny's new improved version of the Sperm-Finder Party, "Bev, Nina and Shaun" are sex-starved sirens lusting after Jesse's "lithe, elegant body," offering "Strawberry Dykeries" (clever!! I ALWAYS fall for that one) and speculating about Jesse's sexuality.  Because lesbians speak only in stereotype, they dismiss her as "too feminine" but lady-killer Shaun still desires to "taste her fruits," and "Nina" growls: "Get in line."

I like this version of Lez Girls, although I'm wondering what happened to the musical, a.k.a. THE BEST IDEA EVER.  I mean, wouldn't it've been hot if Bev/Bette and Nina/Tina often had threesomes with bi-curious straight girls? Or sang & danced? Also, so glad that Bette's hair looks better in this re-filming than it did in the original.  Some things get better with time. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that this show is one of those things. Right-o.
This is The Way It's the Way That We Scream at The Teevee: Hey!  This song sure is hot!  I love it!  OMG, they're totally right -- this IS the way that we live!  AND LOVE!!!  OMG!!! I wanna get the Jason Nevins remix of this crazysexycool track and listen to it on repeat all day and all night.  Cris-pay.  Go Betty, best band ever.  I hope they do a guest appearance.  Redrum.
This Business of Art: Bette and Tina, sitting suspiciously close together, are trying to get Angelica into a posh pre-school by namedropping famous artists and talking about their apartment's "rotating gallery of art."  "If she gets tired of watching the Jesus-fucking-the-girl-doggie-style video, we've got a beautiful mobile."  They need that picture Shay drew of himself & Shane. Seriously you give that kid some crayons and a milkshake and just watch him go!  Anyhow, Uptight notices that Angelica's using sign language and asks if they've got a deaf family member, which segues neatly into the necessary Bette & Jodi exposition -- Jodi's still in the picture, y'all. Get it?  In the picture?  Ha haha. Ha. She'd be a great candidate for making art a part of Angelica's everyday experience too, as her "work" often resembles a jungle gym.

Did anyone else think Uptight said "dead" when she actually said "deaf"?  'Cause that woulda been funnier.  Bette could be like: "Oh yes, Angelica can, in fact, talk to dead people.  She sees dead people, she told me so. And funny you should mention it, all my family members are dead, because life is not eternal and we are all mortal, except my alcoholic sister Kit, she's alive and, speaking of language, bringing back offensive ebonics for all of us."
Did You Know Bees and Dogs Can Smell Fear?: Tina and Bette, swinging Angelica Lipnicki, stroll out, reviewing their circumstances. Tina thinks the lesbian-couple thing is an advantage, but that the school wouldn't be ready for a "divorced lesbian couple" ... coincidentally, the U.S. government also isn't ready for a lesbian divorce as they have yet to legally recognise lesbian marriages.  Tina and Bette did quite a formidable imitation of a "still-together" couple, howevs.  This bodes well for the future, in which I imagine them naked and making out. 

This douchebag gay couple shows up and says their kid'll get in fo'sho 'cause he's half-Asian, half-Puerto Rican, half-Muslim, half-Polynesian, one quarter Pacific Islander, Chinese, half bisexual, two-thirds man, seven-eights deaf, one-fifth blind, a quarter bipolar, one fourth Jewish, ten tenths Kelkian with a droplet of Vulcan and two tablespoons of ADHD.  Give that kid a
mild form of autism like Asperger's and he's IN IN IN.  He can also travel at the speed of light and make rabbits disappear. When that kid grows up, he can have a lead part on The L Word as an African-American person. They like to mix it up like that.
Jailhouse ROCKS: Helena's in central booking, looking horrified, and -- momentarily -- half-naked. She's like: "it was bad enough living with Alice and doing my own laundry and now I can't even pick out my own outfit! WTF?"  Howevs, she does look great in orange!  Also--cupping her breast while Angela Robinson's name pops up on bottom, also very sassy!


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