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:: L I T E R A R Y  L I C E N S E  T O  K I L L ::
#4.11 Recap Blog by Riese

This is what I do: I keep score. I count the number of Lesbian Sex Moments, Lesbian Foreplay Moments, Non-Lesbian Sex Moments and Lesbian Squabbles. I monitor and record the fluctuation of my bisexuality on a Kinsey Scale. I give you your weekly Kittism and your weekly Jenny Moment and your Quote of the Week. I give you Screencaps.



[Disclaimer: I'm sleepy and this is probably totally filled with errors. Which I'll fix. Like, within the next 24 hours? But I have to get some sleep and be on THE VIEW tomorrow morning at 11am for Ro's b-day plus Haviland will be performing and Heather and I will be just like, chillin' and winning stuff.]

Okay. I'd like a literary license to kill the writer of this show. Arguably, that's sort of what I do here anyway, right? To make it through this week, I must imagine that I'm not, in fact, re-capping a tv show episode. Rather, I'm using the characters and "storylines" of a teevee show as a starting point for my hot comedy. If you look at the photo below, you may ask yourself: "Are these girls watching World's Wildest Police Chases or something equally intolerable?" No. They're watching The L Word. The only reason the dog isn't freaking out is because he's a dog. And speaking of dogs--that's what men are. Dogs. All of 'em. Where'd I learn that? On The L Word tonight. Toenail-clipping, lesbo-hating, ZZ Top-facial-hair-sporting DOGS. And none are near as cute as that dog there, whose name is Awesome.


This episode I'll also be tracking:
1. Statements directly addressing one's sexual orientation, or "SOS"es.
2. Clichéd or Ignorant "Lesbian" Bullshit or "CILB"s (which applies to homophobic statements as well as boring pro-homo statements).

I forced my GF, Tara (who I'll dub TB (so you don't confuse her with my friend Tara who's attended other viewings [but not this one] and, unlike TB, consents to photos and doesn't ruin them all by blocking the i-cam with her hand, even when I point out that everyone's going to think I'm lying about having an actual girlfriend)) to watch this show tonight. She's never seen it before. It's her birthday. Therefore:

1. It's arguably somewhat cruel to subject her to this.
2. She is drunk enough not to know that.

Right now TB's reading the SmartWater bottle out loud to me and it's making me laugh harder than this episode:

TB: (Reading bottle) "Is it just us, or do clouds get a bad rap?
(to me) It's totally just them, dude.
(reading bottle) "While we admit that they're not as good to have around on a beach day, like say, the sun, clouds are unsung heroes."
(to me) Right on.

TB every five seconds during the show: "I can't believe I'm watching The L Word. In other news: you're a great typist, Auto-win. I mean that. You can work at my firm. Auto-win, you're a fucking fantastic typist. AMAZING at the keyboard! I really mean that."

1. M, who set aside 4 hours of time to read this blog when she was supposed to be manning the fryer at In-and-Out, cross-referenced it with a closed-captioned viewing of The L Word, the Collected Works of Charles Dickens and the Illustrated Reader's Digest edition of Colette's lesser-known Sapphic poetry, and discovered an error that struck her deep in the hollows of her complicated soul. I was touched by her attention and LOLed. That means the LOL-count for this week's episode of The L Word is lower than my LOL-count for last week's comment board on TLW Online. I encourage you to check it out. In conclusion I think she speaks for all of you when she says: "What more can I say? It’s hard to explain the emotions I felt when I first read this disgraceful statement. To begin with, it took me a few moments to determine that the sentence was even in English. And well, after that I just felt cheated and used. I trust that you will do everything in your power to make appropriate reparations since the fault was clearly a result of your carelessness, rather than my obsessive compulsive disorder."

2. Deaf people have phones--special text phones. I actually know this, but I thought it'd be funny to pretend like I didn't know. That's one of many things I have in common with my hero Paris Hilton. FYI, my other hero is Angus's new scruffy-ass beard.

3. Jenny McCarthy's ad campaign was actually for Candie's, not Sketchers. That's right. Not THOSE tacky shoes for girls who like to watch boys skate, the OTHER tacky shoes for girls who like to watch boys skate (in the mid-90s). Holla Karen!

4. Today at brunch TB ordered churros ("ironically" --TB) but then cancelled the order before it came ("cause it involved a chocolate dipping sauce") and got something else that involved rice and chicken and rice ("a Spanish classic"). So we still don't know what churros are. Re-Cap of the Churro-Ordering Incident: "I just like, ordered them. Because of the show or whatever. But then I was like 'wtf is a churro?' You know, from your churro factory?"

Also, P.S.: just completely changing the personalities of previously unlikeable characters like Max or Helena does not "character development" make. Just a little aside. Alright, lets get on with it...shall we?

Lesbian Sexy Moment #22: After This? Um, Yeah, Me Neither.
We open with Kit masturbating. Just kidding. We open with Papi eating Kit's vagina. Papi looks really beautiful. Kit's tits are like MOTHERFUCKING watermelons.

This episode has two kinds of scenes:
1. Discussions and arguments over one's level of homosexuality.
2. Thought you wanted to watch L Word characters have sex? Think again.

Papi says this has never happened to her before. And Kit tells her she's the "sexiest hottest baddest motherfucking hot sexy bitch" EVER. I assume she meant this as a compliment. Every time Kit arbitrarily inserts "motherfucker" into an otherwise only mildly curse-laden sentence, I love her just a little bit more.

Kit: "I guess I'm not a lesbian." (DING! SOS #1!)

TB: "Liar."

And Thus We Begin Our 3-Minutes of PSA Time for Post-Traumatic-Stress Syndrome
Tasha hasn't seen any abject poverty, sectarian violence or political turmoil since she left Iraq, so Alice thinks it'd be fun to trek down to Mexico for some churros and mani-pedis. That'll be good for this show, they can find a bunch of Arab and Indian actresses to play Mexicans. Alice says they can rent motorcycles. Once I went to Geneva and we rented motorcycles and then I almost drove mine through a plate glass store window. I almost died. If I'd died, I wouldn't be here today, writing this. Let that be a lesson to you. Alice makes a really appropriate joke about not killing Tasha on the motorcycle, and then someone almost runs them over. He yells "Fuck you, Dykes!" because all people in the world hate lesbians except for Ilene Chaiken and the cast of the L Word. Even people with amazing gaydar, like the drive-by hater. That's not really important though. What is important:

1. OurChart is making enough money for Alice to take Tasha to Mexico?
2. Tasha and Alice look hot in leather on a motorcycle.
3. Tasha has an Iraq flashback.

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The L Word Online has been designed by Oz and Slicey.  Unique images designed by Oz.  Site maintained by Oz & Slicey.  This website is intended to be fun and informative, and was created with respect to show appreciation for the women and men involved in the creation of TV's first real lesbian drama.  This site is not endorsed, sponsored, or affiliated with Showtime Networks Inc., the television series "The L Word," or any person involved in the making of the show.  No copyright infringement is intended.  Images and other borrowed content are copyright their respective owners.  Credit is given where due.  All original content is the sole property of  the creators of The L Word Online copyright October 2003.