A Prelude to a Re-Cap
Written on Friday,
February 23, 2007: This morning I cried on the phone to DHL because my
press DVD was supposed to arrive on February 16th, and clearly that didn't
happen. I told the operator I didn't trust her and I knew she was lying to
me. This clearly has been a high-stress day. In fact, DHL forced me to spend
the entire afternoon under house arrest waiting for their leisurely arrival.
I had to cancel things. I pulled my hair out, put on a Cher wig, and sang
dirges while decorating the grave of my dead Demon-Dog, Old Yeller. When the
delivery-person arrived, I said "I want your fingers inside of me." She
looked like the UPS girl that came to Shane's that one time.
SO because it's Friday, and because the Episode 8 DVD finally arrived: Tara
and I got good and baked and watched "The L Word Episode 8: L'Random Fucking
Reference to a Town I Once Lived in in Massachusetts" and though I'm not
certain that we are clear-headed enough to say for certain that we are not
hallucinating, we believe we just watched several sex scenes in a row, and
we feel a bit like two alcoholics who've been dry for two years and then in
one night we've somehow consumed 15 mojitos and a bottle of Smirnoff (each).
It's as if every last sexual moment that had been wrung so mercilessly from
the rest of the season has been re-deposited into this episode. I am feeling
somewhat damp. Tara's been in the bathroom for a long time.
In Episode 407, "Life Lesson Number One," I fucked up three times:
1. Kit did not say "hot. I'm a high hoe" or "high hoe the dairy-o," she said
"high. i was a high hoe."
2. Papi is not eating a corn dog. She is eating a churro. The thing is
though, wasn't my corn dog joke funny? But then my number one fan Kristen
sent me an e-mail explaining the importance of this mistake, and I saw that
she was right, and so here it is:
"Papi's choice of breakfast food was only something that FURTHER tries to
convince us viewers that she really is Mexican...... It was not a corn dog
(like herself/character)... it was in actuality a CHURRO. Do you remember
those from elementary school? We used to pay 50 cents at my school for a
dough stick with cinnamon sprinkled on it. Anyhow, a churro is a super
common Mexican food. Shit, I even think Taco Bell has them. The fact that
Papi got them from the Mexican food truck only emphasizes how hardcore Papi
is in the morning... bitch eats Mexican dessert!"
3. Heather's friend did not give a blow job for a hot dog, she gave a blow
job for a taco.
This week's episode of "The West Wing" is called "Lexington and
Concord." In this episode, President Bartlett gets word that Leo has fired
the shot heard round the world, and guest star Marlee Matlin seduces Josh
Lyman with her wily sign-languaged ways.
This week's episode of "The L Word" is called "Lexington and Concord." I
once lived in Concord, Massachusetts. That's the home of the Old North
Bridge, where the Revolutionary War started. You know, the shot heard round
the world? I know that because I enjoyed dressing up as Paul Revere and
galloping around the house announcing the arrival of the British. Lexington
and Concord played soccer together. I was the only girl on the boys team.
That's really all I can tell you about the title without having to open a
new search window. As for what it has to do with this TV show, I don't know.
The costume of the day was "Tupperware Party"/Classic Housewife:
You can't really see my dress, but it was pinstriped and poofy. If you think
that's depressing, how's this: This week's blog is not as funny as last
week's. Laugh a little just to be polite.
First, a tip for
those of you playing along at home:
The 'Quote of the Week' is intended to survive as a standalone entity. E.g.
"Are you black?"--though possibly one of the funniest and most unexpected
jokes of the season--requires context (and Leisha Hailey's genius delivery)
to truly shine with it's full potential--but I do often award Quote of the
Week to a conversation rather than a line. Beyond that all I can say is I
know it when I see it. Sometimes. I'm
slightly obsessed with quotes
and I've been keeping track of
my favorites from The L Word
since before you were born, so this is just like, how it is. Or whatever.
BACK, L to R: Jen, Riese, Sara, Jamie
FRONT, L to R: Megan, Heather, Haviland
In every photo we took, someone looks semi-awful, so I thought I'd pick the
photo where we were trying to look semi-awful. At least; I hope we were.
This week's viewing was attended by myself, Haviland, Heather, Sara, Jamie,
Jen, Yana and Megan. Yana didn't want to be in the group photograph, so I
was like "Um, Heather, she knows that I'm gonna go onto her myspace and find
a photo of her and put it on the blog if she refuses to be in the group
photo, right?" Heather was like "Yeah, obvs." Or not, maybe, but whatev:
Did anyone else feel like this week's episode was directed by Steven King?
Lindsay, Where Are You? I Can't Find You. I'm Afraid of the Light, Lindsay.
I'm Afraid of the Light.
This is Little Jenny Schecter, but her friends at the hospital call her
"Debbie." Debbie talks to herself and masturbates with sporks. Debbie likes
gardening. Every morning she brings flowers to her dead dog, Sounder. In her
sleep, she makes little cooing noises, like a baby bird. She goes
Jenny has gone completely apeshit. Whatever, this is a dream sequence, but
for Jenny, what's the difference? At least she's finally wearing a nightgown
to a nightgown-related event, instead of to like, a feminist store release
opening Betty concert. She asks Sounder "Am I gonna rot in hell?" Um, Jews
don't believe in hell, fucktard. But--if they did--you're really pushing it,
dear. Maybe you really should save a sick dog. Like, for real this time.
Haviland: Are we in The Labyrinth?
Heather: Because that would be awesome.
Haviland: I love David Bowie.
Then Sounder's arm juts out of the garden and snags Jenny, which reminds me
a little of Fraggle Rock.
Heather: Pet Cemetery was the scariest movie ever and it scarred
me for life.