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:: L E S S O N  N U M B E R  O N E ::
#4.7 Recap Blog by Riese

This is what I do: I keep score. I count the number of Lesbian Sex Moments, Lesbian Foreplay Moments, Non-Lesbian Sex Moments and Lesbian Squabbles. I monitor and record the fluctuation of my bisexuality on a Kinsey Scale. I give you your weekly Kittism and your weekly Jenny Moment and your Quote of the Week. I give you Screencaps.



Ep 407 - Life Lesson

FYI the Life Lesson is: gay people are people too.

You might be wondering "What is the quote of the week from last week, Riese?" Well, I had a small problem, which is that I received so many votes I had to upgrade my membership to the place where I host my surveys in order to access them. I'll need to upgrade again in order to see the most recent 414 or so votes -- or pay for each individual vote, which I might do, but I can't do now because it's too late at night and the Survey Gizmo people are sleeping.

So I will tell you what the current winner is, and also I will mention that if you ever feel like giving me money because I do this out of the goodness of my soul, for free, but mostly for That Hypothetical Lonely Midwestern Lesbian, then please note a new addition to the "automatic straddle template": the Donations Button. This is where you can give me your money. From any currency, any form of payment, etc. So easy. Do it. Just do it. Seriously, DO IT.

And I had Ramen for dinner. But actually I like Ramen. Really.

Of the first 1122 votes (again, there are 414 more that could tip the balance!)
Alice: " Fuck My Mother!" 28%
Bette: "Some Lesbians, you know, you need..." 25%
Bette: "I can't go, because I'll be dead..." 22%
Shane: "I need a new haircut..." 14%

This week was the first week (aside from that 40-minute twat-tease they offered up as an "episode" called "Lassoed") that I didn't have the press-kit DVD in advance. I'm kind of glad for that though. Why? Because I forgot that watching Shane want to have sex is my second-favorite sexual activity, (My top-pick is, of course, actual sex), and if I had seen it earlier in the week, I would have been really riled up over it and probably not been able to function properly. Which would have been actually not so different from how last week actually went. Hm. This evening's ceremonies were attended by Haviland, myself, Heather, Lainy, and Layla Love. Layla is not in these photos because she was a little bit late. But you can see her amazing photos online at

LET'S ADD ARIEL SCHRAG TO THE A-TEAM, Y'ALL! And how hot was it that Moises Kaufman directed this episode?

L to R: Lainy, Myself, Haviland, Heather

All enjoying our family time together, watching The L Word and clearly all wearing semi-ridic outfits. Actually Hav and I forgot to do a photo shoot in our Jane Fonda/Get Physical gear today. Let me just say there were leggings, tights, legwarmers and those stunning argyles you see above involved.

Haviland: I hope Helena has sex in this episode. Remember when Helena used to have sex?

Tasha is gettin' her boots on, she's got her hand clap, c'mon! So in Season One, the opening segment was "things that tie into the story, eventually, be patient, kiddos." Season Two: "totally F'in random scenes involving regular cast members." Season Three: "Sexy Moments/The Chart." Season Four: "Moment of Reckoning/Our Bodies/Ourselves."

Haviland: Good, she's getting to politics. Go Ilene!
Me: Yeah, that's good. I have no idea what her politics are. Like she never even gets into the issues. I wonder if she's even a Democrat?


After this intense getting dressed/flashback experience, she's sitting there panting. I think that's because she's worn out from being in the desert and almost dying every day (as pictured above) while Alice is at the beauty salon, or whatever. It's pretty sexy. But serious. I realize that. This is serious. War, etc.

Lainy: Was that an orgasm--oh--oh. No.
Me: You're going to be like the 'Do they sell walls at Wal-Mart' girl for this blog.


Then we go straight to the Isle of Cliche, where Jody is drawing a nekkid picture of Bette. It looks sort of like her, if Bette were in "Where the Wild Things Are." It's okay. I draw sketches of people all the time, and they usually look like characters in "Family Circus." Bette wakes up and talks in a cute morning voice. The alarm goes off and Heather wonders why Jody would have an alarm clock. This turns out to be Bette's house, I guess, but it actually looks nothing like Bette's house. I'd go back and see if I could figure this out, but I slept through my alarm today too.

Lesbian Sex Moment #4: Morning Glory
The Players: Bette and Jody

The Pick-Up: Jody signs 'I want to be inside you.' I know this because Bette responds "You want to be inside me?" I know this because I have closed captioning on my television, which is funny because closed captioning was created for people who are deaf, and instead I am using it to see what they are saying in sign language. See that? See how that comes around?
Hot or Not? Eh, it's okay.

Bette starts grabbing her own boob, and I start wondering if this is some kind of ploy to make sure we don't see any actual nip. But Bette never does full frontal. So hope thrives, like a small flower yearning for sunlight in the garden.

Lainy: Are we getting a mammogram or are we having sex?
(everyone cracks up in that 'Did you seriously just say that, Lainy, because if you did, you need your own reality show' way)
Hav: That's amazing. "Honey, I'd just like to give you a self exam."


The funny thing is, that totally happened between Dana and Lara, remember? Oh, right. We must not speak of them. They are in a better place now. With Mark and Carmen and Marina and Ivan.

Bette accidentally says "I think I'm falling in love with you." I groan and say "Oh my God! On the second date?! Bette, don't!" and everyone looks at me like I'm totally heartless.

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The L Word Online has been designed by Oz and Slicey.  Unique images designed by Oz.  Site maintained by Oz & Slicey.  This website is intended to be fun and informative, and was created with respect to show appreciation for the women and men involved in the creation of TV's first real lesbian drama.  This site is not endorsed, sponsored, or affiliated with Showtime Networks Inc., the television series "The L Word," or any person involved in the making of the show.  No copyright infringement is intended.  Images and other borrowed content are copyright their respective owners.  Credit is given where due.  All original content is the sole property of  the creators of The L Word Online copyright October 2003.