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:: L E Z  G I R L S ::
#4.5 Recap Blog by Riese

This is what I do: I keep score. I count the number of Lesbian Sex Moments, Lesbian Foreplay Moments, Non-Lesbian Sex Moments and Lesbian Squabbles. I monitor and record the fluctuation of my bisexuality on a Kinsey Scale. I give you your weekly Kittism and your weekly Jenny Moment and your Quote of the Week. I give you Screencaps.



This week's episode is called "Lez Girls." I have no idea why. I sure hope they dissect it for me.

Wanna see something really freaky? This is Phyllis's family at the Carnival. If you are wondering, yes, her children are aliens. Just like, look at this picture really hard and tell me if you don't think that's the talking baby from the Quiznos commercial, but decapitated and pasted on the body of a 3-year-old?

This week I am going to add "Lesbian Sexy Moments" to the list of things I'm keeping track of, because no one has actual sex on "The L Word" anymore. I mean, your Mom gets laid more than "The L Word," unless your name is Angelica Portard, as in "Hey Poor-TARD, how's your two Moms, you big GAY-MO?" Therefore I am transferring all accumulated lesbian foreplay moments into the "Lesbian Sexy Moments" and adding a few in retrospect, namely Shane's photo shoot. Um, that's all for now.

I want you to know that all I've done so far is upload a bunch of screencaps and I've already gone back to the refrigerator three times for more Neapolitan Ice Cream, which I think is important.

OK sorry, real quick: there's this "Secret Lives of Swingers" documentary on "WE" right now where this woman just said that swinging is great for her husband and her because "It allows us to sample many different flavors of deserts." Coincidence?

I'm not watching it. I'm just flipping through.

This week I watched "The L Word" with Heather and Lainy. Haviland couldn't come because of the Super Bowl. Just kidding. Her family is in town. But she was, in fact, being subjected to the Super Bowl with her family as we were watching "The L Word," so she asked Heather for a "play-by-play." We decided instead that in order to have her spirit here with us, we'd make up things that we think she might say if she had been here.

Lesbian Sexy Moment #7 : Mirror Mirror

Who's Getting Off With It?: Max removes his fake limp dick, which is my least favorite part of the male anatomy (limp dicks, not hard ones, hard ones are fine, I mean, for a long time I didn't ever see a limp one because you know, I was there, so obviously, anyway), ew.... know what Max needs is a pair of Hugo boss briefs!


OK so anyhow, the thing is--OK--I guess I can't advocate or request any grooming activities that require pain, suffering, razor burn or pulsing lasers. Actually, I don't really know what I can say about this part that won't make me sound like an asshole, so instead, let's play a game--

(I bet Brooke is as bare as a baby's bottom, and I bet she does it herself because she's afraid of germs at the waxing place.)

(Obvs this has led me to speculate on the grooming habits of other characters, and this is what I think:

Bette: Tasteful bikini wax, sides only, schedules waxes at three-week intervals so as to never have to shave.

Tina: Landing strip now. While with Bette, I imagine she shaved semi-regularly.

Alice: Has tried all methods for some magazine or show. Gets a wax a few times a year for special occasions, shaves in between.

Helena: Brazilian. Before it was even called "Brazilian."

Shane: We all know the answer to this already, because Shane did the full frontal in Season One, Episode One, which was hot.

Jenny: Sometimes takes it all off, sometimes lets it all hang out, depending on her politics that month.)

happy v-day everyone!

This Week in The Way That We Live: The Song
If it wasn't for that annoying ringing in my ear and some unresolved feelings about the Ghost of Ms. Fairbanks, this might count as a sexy moment (but I can't make it count like, every week. Though who knows, maybe there will be something else here next week. Why don't stories happen between the core cast itself, instead of all these extraneous stories with 2-episode actors and random new cast members? I wanna see some Helena-Alice tension, some Jenny-Shane late-night girlfriend/room-mate/sexy-time tension, some Tina being involved remotely with anyone we care about, etc.) Anyhow, hot:

OK just one more thing: they shot NEW footage for this scene, and got the very best Sims layout to be the background, which means that the Sho-people were sitting at a table saying "Let's shoot some new footage to put with that OLD SONG that EVERYONE HATES for next season!" Like, I just think if they are messing around with their shit, they should maybe mess around with the song. Seriously, I'd even be down with like, "Come to my Window" or "Closer to Fine"--hm. I wish Amy Ray dated someone on "The L Word." OMG. You know who would do a killer opening song?


Someone start a petition NOW. C'mon, I'm serious.

For those of you who don't listen to the Planet Podcast: WHY NOT?!! Unless you are deaf like Jody, I recommend you download it now. Actually, Jody could download it and have her interpreter tell her what it says, so no excuses. Because Kelka have their fingers on the pulse of the lesbian nation, I would like to share this convo from their last podcast with you:

Elka: It's not only lesbians who watch "The L Word."
K.C: Durr.
Elka: Dave Chapelle isn't watching "The L Word" for the relationship drama. A lot of people watch "The L Word" to see some nip. What's going on?
K.C.: I don't know but I think maybe you're predicting next week's heterosexual sex scene.
Elka: What are you talking about?
K.C: Right now, you're like "there isn't enough sex," and whenever we complain about something it happens the next week. So right now you're like "I wish there was more sex" -- let's be more specific here. "There needs to be more lesbian sex. "
Elka: Not just gay sex--"
K.C: Nipples...
Elka: Well, actually, gay sex would be alright. Any kind of gay sex. Girl or boys.
K.C: Or Max. I don't know what kind of sex that is, but it's kinda gay.
Elka: Or just naked ladies.

It seems there is nothing we can do to stop the force, no matter how careful we are.

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The L Word Online has been designed by Oz and Slicey.  Unique images designed by Oz.  Site maintained by Oz & Slicey.  This website is intended to be fun and informative, and was created with respect to show appreciation for the women and men involved in the creation of TV's first real lesbian drama.  This site is not endorsed, sponsored, or affiliated with Showtime Networks Inc., the television series "The L Word," or any person involved in the making of the show.  No copyright infringement is intended.  Images and other borrowed content are copyright their respective owners.  Credit is given where due.  All original content is the sole property of  the creators of The L Word Online copyright October 2003.