Welcome to your very first installment of the Season
Four Wrap-Up. Why end Season Four when Season Four ends? Why not continue to
suck every possible ounce of material from this malnourished program? Don't
you want a few more weeks to laugh-cry in your cubicles, drool over
Haviland, curse 500 storylines at once, gape at Bette's regal fabulousness,
start the linguistic revolution and, once we're done with all that, feel a
little dirty for doing it in the first place? Yeah you do.
Oh also, I have a
blog! Because I like giving myself writing assignments, I'd decided to
do a series on how the internet affects our personal relationships, etc.
This week I muse over my BFF Haviland and the Way We Live Online.
TOP TEN: BEST MOMENTS OF SEASON FOUR
Commentary cut-and-pasted-from-old-blogs is in italics. The rest isn't.
This is in no particular order, really. Maybe subconsciously.
10. Episode 402: The Awesome Train: Stops 1 & 3:
Gothic Lolita is horrified to read Stacey Merkin's bad review and
double-horrified when Shay spills on her brand new bag -- The scathing
review prompts Jenny to totally freak out. She screams so loud that Shay
spills his milk. Fortunately, Shay has already been fed like, 10,000 meals,
so he should be okay even without this one -- and Shane is all like, No
Swearing! But Jenny won't have none of that. She encourages Shay to repeat
after her: "Stacey Merkin is a fucking cunt." Then Jenny goes to the Curve
offices, leaps over the table, and demands that the petulant receptionist
Jolene please don't take him just because you can) verify her
established good-writer-dom by typing "Jennifer Schecter! Publishersweekly
dot com" and adds that Stacey used "duplicitous" methods to: "get me to to
open up. She used sexual orientation and her gayness to get me to open up.
And do you know what Merkin means? JOLENE! Vagina wig. That's what her name
means. Shame on you for not correcting her sloppy syntax and grammar."
9. Episode 407: The Paige-Shane Doing the Crime Scene
In retrospect--when one is not already concerned that there will be no
actual sex between these two all season-this scene is even BETTER than it
was the first time.
Lesbian Sexy Moment #17: Saving The Best For Last
I just love the way she leans. Jordan Catalano leans on things, but Shane
leans into girls. And I care, of course, that the scene is cut short. But
I'd also like to argue that it is that moment---the moment when the build-up
reaches capacity and those proverbial sparks explode into something
tangible--that one beautiful perfect moment that we are all chasing when we
are chasing something we aren't certain we can have, or when we are chasing
something that we think we can have but we don't know what we'll do with it
when we do--that moment that matters most. That moment when everything slows
down and that mini-moment when the air between you and her is becoming so
spare and small and you are nearing her and she is nearing you and the
future is inevitable but yet still undetermined, which is when Shane leans,
which is when they start to kiss, that is possibly more electric than any
on-screen representation of sex could ever be, and is, therefore, Enough.
8. Episode 403: Bette Kicks Ass/Takes Names, Henry Doesn't Like
Ass-on-Ass Boy-Sex, Angus Loves Him Some Body Butter For His Ass, and
Everyone Enjoys a Grrrl-Free game of Celebrity
Lesbian (and Strai) Squabble #5: "I'm not homophobic, but..."
In the Ring: Bettina vs. Douche bag
Content/Result: One of Henry's brilliant friends overhears a conversation
between Bette and Mrs.Talbots 2007 in which Talbots suggests that Angelica
might want to live with her father someday. Which I wouldn't recommend if
the Sperm Donor is still dating his crazy Whacko bitch girlfriend. One of
Henry's frat buddies chimes in by pointing out that kids have minds of their
own, which he learned in 9th grade Bio, and to make his point, he says "I'm
sure your parents would rather you're not a lesbian, you know?" and Bette
responds with "They're dead," which is perfect, and also one of many reasons
why she wins this fight. Other reasons include: when Animal House says he's
not a homophobe, he's just "being honest," Bette busts out: "An honest
homophobe. How nice."
Tina tells Bette not to get into it. Ew! And I was almost liking her again.
Then Douche bag chimes in with those words that we LOATHE to hear: "You
know, I'm all for it between women, it's just that, the idea of two guys--I
mean, you understand, right?"
Angus RULES: "It's not that bad, actually. That whole dick in ass
thing, I used to think it was a little creepy--and painful, too--but I found
this great lube, it's called Boy Butter? And once I discovered that...it was
like...(Angus does amazing dance to the beat of a Casio electronic keyboard
which he impersonates perfectly) lets get this party started."
7. Episode 408: Make Love Not War
The L Word has perfected the fine art of preaching to the choir. I'm talking
about most viewers being anti-war, but also about most viewers wanting to
believe that really deep differences in opinions and ideologies are not a
deterrent to a blossoming relationship. Particularly in relation to SEX.
Just to be sure, I tested this theory last night, and it's true. But don't
listen to me. Listen to Alisha.
Tasha: Some of the people are in the military because they want to
serve their country, okay? We believe in what we stand for. I'm sorry if we
don't live our lives wearing trendy fake-ass raggedy t-shirts that scream
out bullshit about why do we kill people?
Alice: You think it's trendy to not kill people?
Tasha: The soldiers I worked with didn't want to kill people! Like,
what the fuck? You think we wanna kill people?
Alice: Well why are you there?
Tasha: The question is, why the fuck am I here?
Alice: Because we wanna fuck each other!!
Alice [during sex]: "You know what? It's not that I don't understand
what you were saying about recruitment, like I really get that, but just
Tasha: "Just shut up and let me fuck you."
6. Episode 404: West Hollywood Globetrotters
I thought this was the funniest thing I had ever seen. Like if I had been in
that basketball game, I woulda been like "hold up, I gotta pee," and
crouched over and grabbed my stomach in pain because the urge to laugh that
hard would have been overwhelming. Haviland thought it was less funny.
Coincidentally, she was also sober while viewing the episode. Karen, my
partner in non-sobriety, also found it amusing though not
pee-in-your-pants-funny. I wish this was a spin-off. It could be like Hangin'
With Mr. Cooper, which was actually a really bad show I think. I didn't ever
see it, but it looked kinda dumb.
Why is this scene so amazing?
1. Shane is fully wearing cargo pants.
2. Bette is fully ON HER CELL PHONE.
3. Jenny is fully wearing SHADES.
4. MAX is fully THERE -- and he is the only one NOT PLAYING. He's
babysitting. Ha! Gender Roles, Shmender Roles.
5. Helena is so cute and clueless, and wearing a little hat.
6. Alice is BADASS in her gangsta b-ball shorts.
7. Jenny misses her pass because she is DRINKING A LATTE, and then takes a
break to smoke a cigarette. When she gets the ball, she acts all violated
5.Episode 406: Hey Shane-ie! Hey Alice! What's the Story, Morning Glory?
What's the Word, Humming-Bird?
Once, they let Angela Robinson direct an episode. She was like "I'm gonna
write a good episode, and make it funny, and open with this big long phone
chain where Bette is going to be awesome, Alice is going to be dressed like
a PTA Mom from 1992, and Helena's gonna be eating cereal out of the box.
It's Bye Bye Birdie meets Gossip Girl meets The L Word: When It Was Good.